


april 23rd

by izayas



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Angst, Developing Friendships, Hallucinations, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Survival, Zombie Apocalypse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-08
Updated: 2016-08-23
Packaged: 2018-03-17 01:14:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 23
Words: 183,619
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3509690
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/izayas/pseuds/izayas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>japan has been decimated by a zombie apocalypse, and orihara izaya is willing to go to great lengths to survive. even partner up with heiwajima shizuo.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. the last human on earth

**Author's Note:**

> characters and pairings listed are inconclusive, but the main characters and relationship will be shizuo and izaya and shizaya. rating is for violence.

**april 28, 10:42 p.m.**

Izaya remembered the last time he threw up.

Yagiri Namie had prepared dinner and decided to add an absurd amount of sugar to the dish. A _truly_ absurd amount, not an amount he'd be all right with, an amount that the recipe may have called for, but more than enough sugar to make him reel, unable to conceal his disgust. Namie seemed pleased when he stood immediately and rushed to the bathroom.

He remembered the day clearly. It was about mid-April and late at night, just about a year ago. He'd come home from a business meeting gone long, the fur of his coat holding droplets of rain from drizzle. He had called her name in his normal teasing manner, pleased that she was still there, knowing that it made her angry.

He loved it when she was annoyed at him.

Izaya barely managed to wait until the door slammed shut before vomiting into the toilet, holding himself and feeling like he was going to die. His insides felt like they were being turned out and he couldn't stop coughing. This was probably worse than straight up arsenic poisoning. But, of course, Namie wouldn't do that; she still needed to get paid.

That _damn_ woman.

Izaya remembered shuddering, his core muscles aching as the taste of sickly sweet curry rose back up his throat. Tears were in his eyes and he felt like he couldn't breathe. His knees hurt from pressing to the bathroom floor, separated from tiles only by a rather thin mat. Looking at the contents only made it worse; Izaya kept his eyes shut but kept gagging; it was absolutely _disgusting_ and he made a note to never, ever eat the woman's cooking until he saw her take a bite first. The overall sensation was extremely unpleasant and he had to take a few minutes to collect himself, rinse the taste out of his mouth before going back outside, glaring coldly at the smug woman.

_"You realize you're not getting paid this month, right?" he asked, tried to act as if he were fine, despite his eyes still slightly red. His gaze rested upon the dish and he scowled, walking over to his desk instead. All appetite had been lost._

_He heard a laugh from her._

_"You've already docked almost all of it. I have nothing to lose."_

That was the last time he'd thrown up and it was awful. It left him feeling unsettled for days (he didn't vomit often, but when he did, it was terrible) and coffee was just about the only thing he trusted to consume. He was weak and the smell of most foods made him gag. He remembered it clearly, how he'd made Namie's life his own version of a living hell. It was something he could never forget, something that he thought he'd never want to relive.

He would rather go through again than be in his current situation.

Swearing, Orihara Izaya straightened, an arm still across his stomach. His other arm was to the nearby wall as he tried to steady himself, head still feeling as if spinning a bit. He winced as he stared at the puddle of his regurgitation on the ground and turned away, deciding to leave it be. Swallowing thickly, Izaya took a breath; the sour aftertaste lingered and he was only reminded of that April night, actually finding himself _wishing_ for that vile woman's company. He heard moans outside and ignored them; as long as he was quiet and he didn't let those _things_ know he was in here, he'd be fine.

For now.

Just remembering them sent chills down the man's spine; those _things_ , those absolutely _atrocious, disgusting, awful things._ They'd ruined what he held most dear and seeing them had his blood curdling in ways that could only be compared to how he felt upon seeing Heiwajima Shizuo.

 _Abominable_.

Staggering from the entrance hall, Izaya looked around. He had snuck his way into a small apartment in a slightly run-down looking; Izaya had managed to stay hidden for a while in his own apartment, thinking that it would all blow over, but it had come to the point where if he wasn't moving, he was waiting to be killed. April 23rd. That was the day it all went to hell. He'd woken up and promptly had his day ruined because of those _things_ that were overtaking the city. He focused on survival and, knowing the city so well, he was able to navigate. But he was careful to not attract attention to himself. Stealthy and quick as he was, he'd be no match for a horde of those _things_ finding him and Orihara Izaya was not about to become one of them.

Those things were _abhorrent_.

He had gone from residence to residence, stopping by grocery markets to stock up on food. With most of the city dead and almost a week later, it was nearly empty; Izaya didn't even have to worry about finding food because he'd find what he needed. Most places still had water and some still had electricity. At one point, he actually cooked for himself, being that bored.

He had his phone on him, the one whose number the people who didn't want him dead had, but he hadn't received any texts. In his hurry to bring only what he absolutely needed from his apartment, it took him just a moment to grab this one and destroy all others by bringing his heel down on them. With most of the city infected or in hiding, Izaya didn't see any reason for his other phones. But, at the same time, he didn't need someone possibly snooping around and finding them.

And any number that was important he obviously had memorized.

The first person he thought of upon grabbing the phone was Shinra; the doctor was probably his best chance to find a cure. Maybe even Namie, with her medical background; despite their obvious distaste for each other, Izaya was sure that the prospect of being turned into a zombie was enough for her to try tolerating him and vice versa. But he hadn't heard from either of them and he never did have the habit of texting first.

The only person he did text first, he didn't really want to see.

The only person he did text first, he hoped was dead.

Grabbing a backpack, the man immediately headed into the kitchen after taking his phone charger out and putting it in. He'd run out of the food he'd brought along quickly; it was one of the reasons he found someone else's home to raid. It was pure luck that the kitchen was relatively well stocked, bottles of water plentiful. He rummaged the drawers and cabinets, found anything he could bring, both food and medical supplies. Izaya put them into his backpack and made sure it wasn't so heavy that he wouldn't be able to run if needed.

The taste of vomit was still fresh on his tongue and he turned on the faucet. Cupped hands filled with water and he brought them up to his mouth, rinsing until the taste was gone before drinking as much as he could. He straightened once his throat didn't ache anymore and the sour taste was gone. The back of his hand dragged across his lips as he looked around; it was night and he figured that dawn would be the best time to move, giving him a few hours to rest properly.

Izaya didn't know who lived here before him and he also didn't know if they were dead, undead, or alive and hiding. But he saw family portraits lining the walls: a mother, a father, and a daughter. They seemed like ordinary people and for that reason, Izaya had a feeling they were either dead or infected.

_How unfortunate._

He had heard screams yesterday. More screams, louder than he'd ever thought he would. It was hardly to believe that on April 28, Ikebukuro was as it always was, and then April 29, it all went to hell. Even Izaya had a hard time grasping how quickly it was, how a few zombies turned into a multitude, how _suddenly, without warning_ the world as they knew it was gone.

Making his way back to the living room, he set the backpack down and collapsed onto the couch. The moaning had stopped and he assumed that those wretched _monsters_ had moved on. They were stupid, really. Violent and animalistic, but ultimately _stupid_. As long as he could put a bullet through their brain, they'd die. It was a simple concept but Izaya had only one gun and six bullets; he wouldn't last that long in a mob. A single bite would infect him, a single scratch would too. He'd die. Worse yet, he'd die and come back as a _monster_.

A vibrating feeling against his thigh almost didn't register at first; he had dismissed it as his imagination. But it happened again and Izaya immediately reached into his pocket and retrieved his phone, more relieved than he'd care to admit at receiving a text. Sitting up a bit, his thumb swiped across the screen to unlock it, eyes scanning the message greedily.

_You're alive, right?_

_Shinra_

Heart racing, Izaya took a moment to collect himself. He refused to admit he was scared but in this situation, it would certainly help to have someone else by his side and Shinra and Celty probably felt the same way. Even Orihara Izaya's façade couldn't last permanently, not in the situation of a zombie apocalypse. He felt alone, he was alone, and isolation had never felt so terrifying.

Reading the message again as if confirming it was real, he felt a sudden lurch in his stomach to see that the message had been sent days ago ago. He glanced at the signal and frowned; maybe he'd been in an area with terrible reception. It wouldn't surprise him.

It had only been a five days, so he hoped that it wasn't too late.

He sent back a simple and concise text.

_Of course._

_Izaya_

Eyes closing, he leaned back against the couch again, holding the phone in his hand. There were more of those _things_ than he could count; at first it had been just a few, but those _things_ were vicious. They bit and scratched at people and although they were put down, no one realized that the virus was infectious until it was too late. It started at the hospital, he had heard. And then they overtook it and spread, attacking everyone. The lucky ones died and stayed dead. The unlucky ones didn't.

What separated them was that the lucky ones were dead because of a bullet or knife to the brain.

There was a fever that killed them before they came back as the undead, decaying and rotting, moaning and limping with glassy looks in their eyes and reeking of death. The smell itself was enough to make most people want to throw up, as if their appearances weren't terrifying enough. They dragged their feet through the streets, guts spilling from wounds and blood worn as lipstick.

Izaya had snuck out of his office early that afternoon before it was too late. Living in a high-rise apartment, he knew that if he'd waited until they had gotten to his building, Orihara Izaya would be nothing more than blood splatter on the concrete right now. He knew the underground like the back of his hand, trusted that the stench would conceal his scent of being alive and, essentially, fresh meat. He had a single loaded gun and took it with him; he wasn't particularly willing to use it, but would, if it came down to it.

He had never used a gun. Handled one, yes. All the time. He knew models and types, knew which was the most appropriate for who, for what. But pulling the trigger was something he'd never done before. He'd felt the weight, the cool metal in his hand. He'd even waved it around, playfully mimicked the sound it _would_ make if he were to shoot it, pointed it at something arbitrarily. Like a child with a toy.

But even fully loaded, Izaya had never actually used it or even thought about it. Because for one thing, Orihara Izaya _loved_ his humans—why would he kill them? And another: if he were to kill them, why in such a cold, impersonal, quick fashion?

_Ridiculous._

But this wasn't about others. This was about himself. Between trying to shoot his way out of a mob and just taking his own life to avoid being turned into one of them, he'd shoot his brains out immediately. The thought had Izaya's lips in a delicate frown; death wasn't his plan and death wasn't his intention. But those things, those zombies hung in a balance between death and life and certainly weren't immortal. He wanted to be a god, not a monster.

Izaya was afraid of death but even death would be better than this.

Feeling another buzz, Izaya looked down to his phone and straightened up.

_Celty and I are hiding in the old abandoned warehouse we went to during middle school. We'll wait for you._

_Shinra_

It was odd for Shinra to text without something stupid to say and in such concise sentences. But Izaya understood why; he texted back that he'd be there within twenty four hours and closed his phone. He should start saving battery, he thought dryly; though he had his charger, it would only be a matter of time until there was no more electricity. Maybe a walkie-talkie would be better. He'd talk to Shinra about that.

Shinra and Celty were alive. _Of course they were_ , Izaya thought dryly. He wasn't sure how effective Celty's shadows were, but they would definitely at least be enough to deter them. And being with them would help him; Celty could protect them and Shinra had medical training. As for what Izaya could do to benefit them was a mystery, but he didn't linger on that too much.

The city had looked nearly dead; bodies were scattered everywhere and there were only a few that staggered around. The air was heavy with death, air pungent. Walking along the streets was terrifying; it was either deathly silent or full of moans.

It was, he thought dryly, like a video game. Except, at the same time, it wasn't.

In a video game, if he died, he could restart.

In real life, if he died, he was nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

**april 29, 5:13 a.m.**

Hours passed and he'd even fallen asleep for a bit, knowing he needed his energy. Izaya was used to surviving on few hours of sleep; his body had been programmed to be able to do so. He woke up around five and immediately became alert, splashing his face with water and taking a few more gulps. Holding the gun in his hand, he made his way down the stairs of the front porch, surveying the street before leaving; it was clear, he was relieved to see, and stepped outside.

He was still cautious; his steps quickened after the first few, once he made sure there weren't zombies hiding (were they even smart enough for that?) and kept his footsteps as silent as possible. Years of training had him moving smoothly and silently; parkour, he was glad to know, didn't only save him from Shizuo.

The thought of Shizuo had Izaya frowning. Of all the people who were either dead or converted, Izaya sincerely hoped that Shizuo was the former.

He was a monster anyway; being an undead would be the only difference. Izaya did wonder if Shizuo was even capable of becoming infected, but he was sure that he was. Shizuo wasn't superhuman. His strength was entirely human, just without limitations. He didn't have a godly immune system or impenetrable skin. Even Shizuo could fall to them. The only problem was that he would be an absolute nuisance to deal with if he were a zombie. Izaya vaguely wondered if a bullet would even be able to go through that thick skull of his.

Izaya hoped he was dead.

The shuffling of something against the pavement besides his own feet had Izaya stiffening. He spun around immediately, gun held with both hands steadying it and aiming. It took him a moment to realize the sound was just the wind carrying some pieces of garbage along the pavement and he relaxed, wondering if perhaps he was a bit _too_ paranoid. He almost even gave a smirk. Turning back around, Izaya was greeted with a familiar face—save the decaying flesh and purplish-blue skin.

He swore.

"Shit-!"

The _thing_ lunged at him and his head hit the ground, leaving him disoriented for just a moment. Ghastly colored hands grasped at his arms and pinned him down, the backpack having fallen a bit away from him. Izaya immediately turned away, repulsed by the stench that emanated from him. He struggled just enough that the zombie couldn't simply take a bite of him and red eyes looked at him one more time to be able to place the face:

Yagiri Seiji.

_Of course the idiot was stupid enough to get bitten… Ah… speaking of him… never mind._

He had more pressing concerns than to wonder where the only woman to make him throw up was. His hand felt around the ground until he found the gun. Fingers coaxed it closer until he could grab it and Izaya didn't hesitate a single moment in his next few movements. He kicked at Seiji's stomach and sent him flying back from surprise; Sitting up and raising the gun, he pulled the trigger and watching as blood splattered from the wound. It was only after it had all happened that Izaya's nerves caught up to him and he was shaking, hand lowering to the ground as he stared, feeling his throat grow dry.

He had been protecting himself and adrenaline kept him from realizing what he was going to do. But now that he had done it and was no longer in that immediate danger, his mind was clearing up and he was very, _very_ aware of what he had just done.

He had never killed someone before. Never directly, never like this; he'd never been the one to pull the trigger. Izaya never thought that the feeling would leave him so shaken. Despite it being fast, quick, not human and not personal, Izaya still couldn't stop seeing the blood splatter and hearing the ringing in his ears. It replayed in his mind over and over again, the vision of Seiji-zombie being shot and falling, that louder-than-anticipated noise, that kickback of the weapon.

He leaned over and vomited for the second time in twelve hours.

Staggering to his feet afterwards, Izaya immediately grabbed the backpack and slung it on, coughing and clearing his throat. His first few steps were a bit uneven and he couldn't take his eyes off of the dead body. Stupid or not, zombie or not, Yagiri Seiji had been a human at one point and he was turned into _this_. His hair was matted with blood and a single red wound was in the middle of his forehead.

 _At least I have good aim_ , Izaya thought dryly. Staring too long made him feel nauseous again and he winced, looking away.

"Aah… can't go and throw up again…"

Giving a shaky sigh, Izaya turned, about to continue walking. But he heard moans and stiffened again, immediately regretting using the gun. The sound had obviously drawn attention and now he found himself staring at five of them, their eyes already feasting on his flesh. Izaya's blood felt cold and he took a step back, didn't even look down to know why the ground felt slippery. Swallowing thickly, Izaya made a quick calculation:

Five of them.

One of him.

Five bullets.

He'd only need one.

Raising the gun to the soft flesh under his chin, Izaya's eyes closed. He had already talked himself into it and his movements were robotic. He'd assessed the situation and knew that this was the right thing to do; it would be better to be dead than be something like them, something even worse than Shizuo.

He did it out of reflex and was entirely ready to accept his fate. Of all the ways for Izaya to die, of all the people to kill Izaya, he never imagined that it would be by his own hand, by his own gun. Swallowing thickly, Izaya tilted his head back a little for easier access and gave a breath, preparing to squeeze his finger.

_Goodbye._

" _The fuck are you doin', you damn louse?!"_

A sudden yell stilled Izaya. And if that wasn't enough, the hand grabbing his arm and yanking the gun away certainly was. Red eyes fluttered open to see blond hair, a bartender uniform, and blue sunglasses. The person hadn't stopped; he'd just grabbed Izaya and started sprinting and Izaya barely managed to keep up as his brain tried to process what was happening.

_…No way…_

"Just come with me! Your legs still work, right?! Jesus _fuck_ , you just keep doing stupid shit, don't you?!"

_…Shizu-chan._

Izaya found himself having to sprint almost faster than what his legs allowed; they were long, but Shizuo's were longer. And even if speed was Izaya's specialty, Shizuo had a longer stride and adrenaline. Izaya's legs moved so quickly and he dryly worried about them being dislocated from his hips, deciding after a moment to do everything to keep that from happening. Knowing the zombies were behind them was the only reason Izaya had pulled himself together quickly; he pushed away the fact that he was about to kill himself just moments prior and focused on running, keeping up with Shizuo as best he could.

Shizuo's hand on his arm was probably the main reason he didn't fall behind; Izaya was slightly (and twistedly) amused to see that Shizuo could kill those zombies just by grabbing their heads and smashing them to the nearest wall. He did it in a very Shizuo-ish fashion: angrily and full of swears.

They made several turns and Izaya was relieved when they began slowing down, the zombies lessening in number, lungs burning. Any 'where are we?' questions from Izaya were ignored and all he could do was obediently follow Shizuo. He looked around; they were in a more run-down area, the kind of area where drug deals would go down, where dead bodies would be found. Izaya almost wasn't paying attention when Shizuo stopped walking and opened a door. Wordlessly, Shizuo nearly threw him in, not even offering a gruff apology at Izaya's swear. He barricaded the door with long wooden boards by putting them through the handles, following with a padlock and chain.

It was dark and damp but Izaya saw signs of habitation: a thin blanket, a makeshift pillow, empty wrappers and bottles of water. He shifted slightly and turned the safety back on the gun, putting it in his backpack. His muscles were beginning to feel the strain he had put on them and his lungs were still aching as they tried to get the oxygen they had been deprived of. Trying to steady his breathing first, Izaya leaned against a wall and closed his eyes, hand massaging where Shizuo had grabbed him, fully expecting purple and blue bruises for when he'd pull his sleeve up.

Shizuo was panting, he could hear. He was swearing and mumbling under his breath, emptying out his pockets and putting his sunglasses down. Izaya's eyes opened to watch a bag of food be thrown onto the ground; he hadn't even noticed that earlier, he thought distantly. _That was why Shizu-chan was there at that moment…_

A thin eyebrow arched and once a few minutes had passed, they raised to look at him.

"…So Shizu-chan's alive," he prompted.

Shizuo turned and glared. "What the _fuck_ were you doin' back there?!"

Izaya gave a dry smirk. He shifted to sit more comfortably against the wall and gave a sigh, eyes focusing on a book Shizuo had been reading by the bed. He took his time in answering, giving a languid shrug and mind flickering back to Shinra for a moment. He heard the sound of plastic and saw Shizuo open a bag of crackers from the corner of his eye.

"Ending things," he said finally, gaze flicking to look back up at him. "Shizu-chan, it really just comes down to prolonging things or becoming a monster. I knew what would happen. Honestly, Shizu-chan should be thankful. I'd definitely make Shizu-chan's life miserable as a zombie…"

"So you were just _giving up_?!" Shizuo snapped, crumbs from dry crackers flying from his mouth as he barked at him, chewing angrily.

Izaya gave another dry smirk and an enigmatic shrug.

Just knowing that Heiwajima Shizuo was the only other "human" (Izaya had either dropped his standards or gone with the most basic technical definition) left in this city made his blood curdle. His heart sank; it felt like there was absolutely _nothing_ left living for, not with his precious humans gone, and this vile creature left.

He had no one left to love.

"…Then what do you suggest?" Izaya asked quietly, eyes hardening, watching as Shizuo finished his snack and tossed the wrapper aside. "Can Shizu-chan fly a helicopter? A plane? Does Shizu-chan plan on stealing a car, just driving over all those zombies? Or does Shizu-chan plan on strolling out of this city, hope to get to the next city before this spreads? Or maybe the train? Can Shizu-chan operate that? Where was Shizu-chan planning to go? Just wander around until he found some people? Oh, was Shizu-chan planning on swimming across the ocean?"

As he spoke, his voice grew more and more mocking and Shizuo growled. He stood still and glared at him, returned Izaya's smirk with his ice-cold, full of hatred stare. His gaze seemed venomous and if there was one thing that could have lifted Izaya's spirits, it was that though everything had changed, at least Shizuo was the same. The very thought had a twisted smirk growing on his features.

_The same monstrous Shizu-chan._

"I don't fucking know!" Shizuo finally barked and Izaya was still as he took a step closer. A hand reached out and grabbed him by his shirt, yanking him to his feet and pulling him close. "I've got no goddamn idea how I'm going to get out of this shit, but at least I'm not laying down like some fuckin' dog and just dying! You're a piece of shit, Izaya, you know that? And even worse, you're a _coward_! You're not even tryin'! You cause all this crap and now that shit's happenin' where you aren't in control, you just give up?! You're human! You're mean to fight and survive, god _damnit_!"

He broke off, panting and Izaya could feel his hot breath against his mouth, ears ringing from his yelling. His hand reached up and shoved at Shizuo's chest, mumbling 'Shizu-chan's breath stinks' and turned, brow furrowed. Despite his earlier confidence, something about Shizuo's words had struck something inside him. He thought of Shinra again, of the phone in his pocket; he told him he'd be there within a day, but he hadn't even thought of that when pressing the barrel to his chin. He wasn't alone; not really. He had people waiting for him. He had people who knew he was alive. He had people expecting him. He wasn't alone, and yet he decided he was.

He didn't even try to think of a way to get out of the mess. The moment he saw five of them, he decided he was outnumbered and hopeless.

If Shizuo hadn't appeared, he'd most certainly be dead.

_He'd be dead._

Izaya felt unsettled.

He felt something wash over him, something that he hated, something that he hated Shizuo for being able to cause:

Shame.

Because Shizuo was _right._ He was _right,_ that bastard; he was supposed to be a monster, supposed to be stupid, and yet he was _right._ He hated when Shizuo showed any signs of intelligence because Shizuo was Shizu-chan. Shizuo had been one of the few people who escaped and was surviving; he found a safe place, he found food, he was surviving and waiting. Whether or not he had a plan, Izaya didn't know, but Shizuo was surviving. He was fulfilling the most basic of human instincts:

Surviving.

Shizu-chan the Monster.

Shizu-chan the Protozoan.

Shizu-chan the Not Human.

Shizu-chan the—

—Only Other Human Left.

Izaya shuddered and bowed his head. His hand reached up to rest in his pockets and Shizuo was silent as he watched and waited. Waited in silence, waited for Izaya to say something, to do something, but Izaya wasn't doing anything. One shudder and nothing.

And when Shizuo was about to yell again, tired of waiting, Izaya's shoulders started shaking.

It was silent at first, but then it grew. And then it was unmistakable:

Izaya was laughing.

Orihara Izaya was laughing when they were the some of the only humans left, hiding in an old abandoned building, zombies possibly circling outside, just waiting for them. Orihara Izaya was laughing, his head thrown back and entire body shaking with peals of it. Orihara Izaya was laughing and it was truly terrifying, but Shizuo stood still and watched him, waited.

And waited.

And waited.

Kept waiting.

Waited until his laughter subsided, until Izaya had caught his breath. Waited until even the last traces of the smirk disappeared from his face. Waited until he looked up and for a moment, everything about Orihara Izaya washed away, only to return with the next blink of his eye.

"There's always a way."

"…What?"

Izaya smirked. He turned towards Shizuo and crossed the distance between them. A hand was held out and Shizuo's eyes dropped to stare at it momentarily, flicking back upwards, not trusting Izaya to take his eyes off his face for more than two seconds. He was confused; he'd seen Izaya go from smirking to frowning to contemplative to laughing to smirking again, a range of emotions, every single one of them annoying.

"Shizu-chan and I are going to be partners, right?" Izaya asked. "To find a way out of this?"

"…" Shizuo stared at him silently. He didn't remember saying that or even implying it, but rejecting it didn't seem like a smart thing to do. Partners with Izaya just sounded wrong in his head, but he ran over what had happened and many wrong things had happened. And the one thing Izaya had going for him was that he was _human_ and that he was _living._

"So let's shake on it."

Giving a defeated sigh, Shizuo nodded after a moment and took Izaya's hand. He frowned at the awkwardness of shaking with his arch nemesis, had to fight the urge to crush Izaya's fingers. He wasn't sure how serious Izaya's word was; for all he knew, Izaya could already be planning to screw him over.

But Shizuo really had little else to lose.

He looked up again, mumbling 'partners' and could see Izaya's smirk coil. He wasn't sure how Izaya had come to that conclusion, but he was the first _person_ Shizuo had seen. When he saw him with those zombies earlier, Shizuo almost actually turned and went back. But he knew he'd never forgive himself for just letting Izaya die like that.

Izaya or not, he was human and being human was the most precious thing in the world.

Shizuo had to save every single human left, because there weren't many. It was his duty as a human to help the others.

"Together, nothing can stop Shizu-chan and me, right?"

Izaya's insides shuddered with the thought, even though his voice dripped venom with the words. He pulled his hand back almost a bit too soon, like touching Shizuo was like touching fire. _A deal with the protozoan,_ he thought, _this is what it's coming down to…_

Because he knew it was the truth, that Orihara Izaya and Heiwajima Shizuo were invincible together. Nothing would be able to stop them; somehow, someway, they'd overcome every single obstacle.

They would be the ultimate duo. The perfect team.

It made Izaya want to vomit.

Again.

It was disgusting, but it was the truth.

_The world can be so cruel sometimes…_

They were quiet for a bit, separating. Izaya lingered around the sleeping area and Shizuo went back to sit by the wall, back to it and deciding what snack to have next.

"Shinra and Celty are alive," Izaya said quietly, sitting back down. "He texted me earlier. They're at an abandoned warehouse… we'll go there first. And then decide what to do."

"They're alive?" Shizuo asked, eyes widening. "How—"

Izaya took out his phone and held it up. "Shinra texted me earlier. However, I'm not sure how long I'll still be able to use my phone. Aah… I told Shinra I would be there within twenty four hours, but Shizu-chan's Olympic-like heavy footed running has made walking seem too tedious."

"Wait, they're _alive_?"

Izaya looked up.

"Shizu-chan, how many times do I have to repeat that? Yes, they are."

"Have you seen anyone else?" he asked immediately, walking over. "Kasuka? Tom-san? Vorona?"

"No," Izaya muttered, frowning at how close he was and waving his hand. "I haven't. Go away, Shizu-chan. I said we were partners, not lovers."

"Are they all right? Shinra and Celty?"

"Shizu-chan… stop talking so much."

"Answer me, fuckin-!"

"They're fine. Shizu-chan, I'm sure Celty's shadows can hold those zombies off more than well enough to protect Shinra and herself. That's why we should get to them as soon as we can."

Shizuo had started pacing at some point, Izaya was annoyed to realize, so he moved over to the bed and laid down, carefully stretching his legs out. Minutes passed before Shizuo stopped; he walked over and sat down on the ground next to him. Legs crossed and his elbows rested on propped up knees, frowning. "…What are we going to do?"

Izaya groaned.

"Why is Shizu-chan so _talkative_ …?"

_"Because you're the first fuckin' person I've found all goddamn week!"_

Izaya said nothing. Shizuo swore and bowed his head, clenching his fists so hard he wondered if he'd break the skin. Because it was true; even though it was just (and unfortunately) Izaya, he was still human. This was the first interaction Shizuo had in so long; even if it was Izaya, it was _hope_. He couldn't stop talking; he had so many questions and finally a person, even if it was just Izaya, to try to ask. Someone so he wasn't alone.

Even if it was just Izaya.

He even began to think that Izaya had fallen asleep when he heard a sigh. Izaya rolled over onto his side, back to Shizuo.

"…We'll go to Celty and Shinra first. And then we'll try to find a refugee camp or something… there are some set up. We just need to find the biggest and safest one."

Nodding, Shizuo mumbled 'okay' when he realized Izaya couldn't see him. It was silent again for a few moments until Shizuo cleared his throat, turning to look at him tiredly.

"…I want to try finding Kasuka."

Izaya gave a sigh.

"Shizu-chan…"

"I want to _try_ ," Shizuo argued, voice sounding tight. "…The least we can do is that, right? Kasuka's smart. And maybe he and Ruri figured somethin' out… if they're in the city—"

"If they're in the city, they're hiding. If they're hiding, we're not going to find them," Izaya answered in a drawl. "Shizu-chan, you found me by pure luck and coincidence. Were you planning on just walking around, yelling his name? Don't you think that could attract some extremely unwanted attention? I'm not risking my life for someone who could already be dead."

Izaya didn't need to turn around to know that his words hurt Shizuo, but he didn't particularly care. He needed Shizuo for his strength and just for the sake of not being alone in this situation. Whether or not Shizuo's feelings got hurt didn't matter to him.

"We leave tonight. After the sun sets," Izaya said shortly, hearing Shizuo's scuffled footsteps as he stood. "Rest up, Shizu-chan."

He walked away and Izaya counted how many steps he took. He reached ten before they fell silent.

"…Kasuka's my brother."

"It's not worth the risk."

Shizuo was silent but Izaya heard a frustrated growl.

"…Oi. Do you even care about your sisters?"

"Probably dead," Izaya drawled. "Or zombies together. Wouldn't be surprised if they tried to come after me first."

"…Do you care about _anyone_ except yourself?"

Eyes opening, finally annoyed, Izaya sat up and glared at Shizuo. The ex-bartender wore a look of disgust and Izaya wore one of fatigue and incredulity. What did Shizuo expect?, he thought. He was being realistic. Kasuka could be dead, his sisters could be dead. And fake hope wasn't worth jeopardizing their lives, their _healthy and living_ lives.

"If you don't prioritize yourself," Izaya said lowly, "then you might as well be _dead_. Remember that, Shizu-chan. I'm not going to coddle you. If you want to go find Kasuka, fine, go. But don't drag me down with you. What _I'm_ going to do is find Shinra and Celty because I _know_ they're alive and they're expecting me. Shizu-chan can think it over carefully; decide if you're coming with me or not. I'm not changing my mind, so Shizu-chan has to think about his choice."

His eyes narrowed.

"I'll be damned if I die because of you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is my first attempt ever at a zombie au fic, hahaha, so this will be interesting. thank you for reading, comments and kudos are appreciated!
> 
> a special thank you to jeanny (eliorah @ tumblr) for inspiring this entirely and essentially brainstorming the entire plot with me and explaining everything about zombies.


	2. isolation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> he had no idea what tomorrow held; he had no idea where anyone was; he had no idea about anything and he wasn’t used to feeling this helpless.

**april 29, 5:47 p.m.**

"I want to find Kasuka."

"No."

Both with one backpack, Izaya's was significantly lighter; most of the heavy items were in Shizuo's, as he didn't mind the weight, but the gun remained with the informant. Shizuo hadn't been pleased to see it but he didn't say anything; he understood that, unlike himself, Izaya wasn't simply able to crush their heads and would need a weapon.

Izaya didn't say anything, just played around with a little, tested the weight again in his hand. The safety was on but Shizuo still regarded him warily when Izaya began to wave it around, aiming and finger curled around the trigger, yet he didn't say anything.

It was odd, the way he could turn his back and trust Izaya wouldn't kill him. And it wasn't that it was because there was no one else, it was that Shizuo couldn't see Izaya killing a person, a real living person, with that thing.

Maybe he was being too kind.

Brown eyes narrowed and his grip tightened on the strap of his backpack. "I want to find Kasuka," he repeated.

Izaya remained steadfast, holding Shizuo's glare before turning and beginning to walk away. "No."

_**april 29, 4:52 p.m.** _

_"Are you sure you know where they are?" Shizuo asked gruffly, packing his backpack. His eyes skimmed the area to make sure he hadn't left anything; trash and wrappers littered the ground but anything he hadn't eaten, anything of sentimental value was brought, packed into his backpack._

_"Positive."_

_Looking around one last time to make sure that nothing of use had been left behind, Izaya straightened and gave a sigh. His legs were a bit sore but it wasn't anything he couldn't ignore (he'd built quite the pain tolerance from years of running from Shizuo.) After resting, he regained most of his energy; being with Shizuo seemed the tiniest bit more tolerable now._

_Maybe it was the desperation, but a small part of Izaya felt relieved. Shizuo wasn't ideal, but he wasn't a zombie, at least. The man was strong and could at least serve as a bodyguard for him. Shizuo was Shizuo; he was loud and annoyingly rational and irrational at the same time, had a rather simple and linear thought process, had a short temper. But he was loyal and faithful and although he hated Izaya, they'd shaken on a partnership. Shizuo wasn't the type to break his word._

_Checking his phone one last time, Izaya turned it off and pocketed it; he didn't even bother asking if Shizuo still had his phone. The device was the first thing the man threw when he got annoyed. If anything, he'd thrown it at a zombie and it probably actually cracked its skull open and killed it._

_Izaya's eyes rested on Shizuo's back for a moment. His brow furrowed; Shizuo hadn't brought up Kasuka for a while, but Izaya knew he wasn't going to let it go easily. Shizuo had said very little and Izaya was all right with it. He decided that if he tried hard enough, he could pretend that Shizuo wasn't Shizuo; he was just a person. Conversation would make that much more difficult. He might even be able to delude himself into thinking Shizuo was someone else._

_(Unlikely.)_

_If Izaya cared, he would've put more thought into wondering how Shizuo felt._

_Lonely. Miserable. Terrified. Frantic._

_He was doing well in terms of surviving, but that didn't mean he was calm. Izaya wondered when Shizuo killed first, if it was for himself or to protect someone else. Izaya wondered how many people Shizuo had witnessed die. Izaya wondered a lot, but he didn't put too much thought into it._

_He shifted and felt the cold metal of the gun against his skin, a cool reminder, a rare bit of security._

_Shizuo was simple._

_He could understand Shizuo._

_If he wanted to._

_"Ready?" he asked, standing with his backpack. Shizuo nodded and stood; the blankets he had been using were thin, rolled up tightly and stuffed into his backpack. Izaya was rather surprised at how well Shizuo packed everything up; he wouldn't have thought that Heiwajima Shizuo was an efficient packer, but the man had (irritatingly) surprised him a few times in the past too. In fact, the only thing that remained were his glasses; in his hurry, Shizuo had stepped on him, looked upset for a moment, before brushing it off, kicking them aside. Izaya didn't bother to wonder. They were probably a gift, maybe from Kasuka or Tom. Probably Tom. Shizuo wouldn't recover so quickly if he broke something his precious little brother gave him._

_When he looked up again, Shizuo was approaching him._

_"…Yeah."_

**april 29, 5:53 p.m.**

"I want to _find Kasuka_ ," Shizuo argued again and Izaya was annoyed to hear only one set of footsteps: his own.

Giving an annoyed sigh, he turned around and glared at him tiredly. A look of annoyance was clearly displayed on his features; Izaya wasn't one to show true emotion on his face in front of someone, but his current situation wasn't his standard everyday life. It was only Shizuo. It was just Shizuo. "I've explained this, Shizu-chan," he drawled. "We're not risking ourselves to look for someone who may not even be alive."

"He's my _brother_ ," Shizuo snarled. "I have to at least try. I know you don't seem to care about your sisters, but I'm not just possibly fuckin' leaving Kasuka here for dead."

Holding his gaze for a moment longer, Shizuo turned sharply on his heel and began walking off. Izaya stared after him for only a moment before calling out his name tiredly, a hand on his hip and other around the strap of his backpack. "Shizu-chan, think this through. What are you going to do if you get surrounded? What if you find Kasuka but he's—"

_"You don't know that, so shut the fuck up!"_

His yell was loud and Izaya immediately pulled a face, looked annoyed as he scanned the area to make sure none of the zombies had heard and were approaching them. The area remained as empty as it had been when they first came out and he was grateful; it was one fewer thing to worry about. He had a toddler to manage now, after all.

Shaking his head, he mumbled 'at least try to keep quiet, won't you?' and raised a hand to run through his hair. "Then what's your plan?" he asked with a sigh. "How are you sure he was even here? What if he's left already? Shizu-chan's just wasting time and risking his life for someone who may or may not be here, may or may not be alive…"

"I don't fuckin' know!" Shizuo barked and Izaya frowned at the loudness of his voice again. "And if I get surrounded, then I'll fucking kill all of those shits!"

Staring at him for a moment longer, Izaya shook his head. He'd tried, really, to convince Shizuo of the rational thing. He supposed he hadn't fully considered what working _with_ Shizuo would be like; the man was stubborn, even more so when Izaya was actually trying to talk to him. Izaya didn't have time to waste, like Shizuo did. Izaya had something to do. "Fine. _Fine_ , do what you want. Shizu-chan can catch up later."

Turning, Izaya began to take long strides, walking in the opposite direction. He heard Shizuo's begin just a moment after, pause only momentarily and knew without looking that Shizuo wasn't coming with him. It was ridiculous, he thought. Shizuo had no idea where Kasuka was or if he was alive; he didn't know if he was searching for a human, a corpse, a zombie, or a limb. He was too naive for his own good if he honestly believed he could just _find_ Kasuka by wandering around a city infested with zombies.

That loyalty would get him killed.

Izaya had known people to rush home to be with their families, like dying with loved ones would make the entire ordeal somehow less awful. But it was still the same; they turned to nothing, lost what made them beautiful and human. Izaya thought it was ludicrous. He was positive that if some of them had thought it through and put themselves first, there would be many more people left.

Caring for people was often someone's biggest weakness.

Attachment to people was bothersome.

Izaya didn't even realize he was scowling until he passed by an abandoned store with cracked windows, blood staining the pieces. He took a moment to look at his reflection, relaxed his features. Even without anyone around to see him, habit had it so Izaya wasn't going to show what he felt on his face. Giving his feigned and practiced smile. Earlier was a slip. Earlier was over. Izaya was entirely in control of himself, as he always was.

A sudden urge came over him to put his fist through the window, but he restrained, clicking his tongue.

That was a Shizuo-type of thing to do.

A moment later, he began walking again, adjusting his backpack a bit. Bodies were all over the ground and he stepped carefully to avoid them, hearing glass crack under his shoes. The warehouse was a bit far, far enough for it to be safe, but not far enough for walking to be absurd. He predicted he'd still be able to get there within the one day time frame he'd given Shinra, given he didn't run into any trouble. He could always text him; chances were that Shinra would check his phone at some point. But he restrained, knowing that if it were him, he would leave if Shinra couldn't make the time he had set.

In this situation, prioritizing himself was the most important thing.

Giving another sigh, Izaya's hands rested in his pockets. He'd probably need clothes, he thought dryly, he hadn't thought of that before. His current outfit wouldn't be able to last him forever, especially if he was going to be killing those zombies. _Although…_ his thin lips quirked into a smirk. _Ah… I'm sure Celty's shadows could suffice._

Food and water would be an issue eventually, he realized as he continued with his train of thought. Celty's shadows would be able to do anything about that, but they probably would be able to capture something. And then they could use fire to cook it. _That's right,_ he thought. _We'll get food that way… we won't have to resort to cannibalism right away._

_What a relief. Shinra would probably taste awful…_

_Ah, wait. It's Shinra and Celty against me… Celty would definitely be on Shinra's side. I'd be eaten…_

_Ah! I have Shizu-chan!_

_…_

_Ah. I don't have Shizu-chan._

_Stupid Shizu-chan._

Pulling another face, Izaya grimaced at the thought of Shizuo. His feet stopped carrying him and he found himself by the park in the fountain, still running, enough sound to not be entirely lost his thoughts but absence of _people_ leaving him to be lost in his thoughts. Feeling annoyingly _distraught_ , Izaya looked over his shoulder, in the general direction Shizuo had wandered off in. His brow was knit, his eyes were narrowed, his lips a bit pursed; Heiwajima Shizuo was annoying.

_Annoying._

He wondered what it was like to be that attached to someone. What would it be like to have a brain like Shizuo's, one where he was simple and loyal. He'd always put others before himself, he realized. He'd be faithful and loyal, he'd never deceit them. He'd have a strong sense of loyalty, recognizing when to defend his friends and when to know that they had done something wrong.

_Annoying._

Heiwajima Shizuo, as far as Izaya understood, made an excellent bodyguard because he was kind. Not to the people he beat up, clearly, but to people he cared about. Izaya didn't _understand_ it, not entirely, couldn't put himself in that sort of a mental state entirely, but _knew_ Shizuo. He was the type of person who would help. Who didn't remember names very well, but he'd help. He was the type of person who would listen to his gut feeling and his conscience and offer no reason except 'it felt right.' He was the type of person who followed no logic and, for that reason, Izaya wouldn't _stand_ him.

He hated to think that Shizuo was human, because he wasn't. But Izaya knew monsters; he knew those zombies were monsters, but Shizuo didn't fall into _that_ category either. That seemed to put him in the middle.

But anything not human was a monster.

Anything not a monster was human.

Shizuo wasn't human; not at all.

And at the same time, he was. He was _very_ human.

How could he be both?

Izaya really hated Shizuo.

Seeming frustrated, he began walking again, brisker pace. The warehouse Shinra was talking about was closer to the outskirts, away from the buzz of downtown. They'd go there after school sometimes in middle school and Izaya ended up using the space to conduct some of his more bordering-on-the-law activities, to Shinra's displeasure. There was a certain musky stench to it and Izaya vaguely wondered if that would help with masking their scent from the zombies.

An eyebrow arched.

_If I smeared some blood over me from the dead…_

_Ah. That's gross._

_I bet Shizu-chan would never do that. He'd just think that he could smash skulls all the way to—_

_…That's right._

_Stupid Shizu-chan._

Izaya was growing increasingly annoyed that Heiwajima Shizuo continued to interrupt his thoughts, thoughts that were his, thoughts that _should be free of Shizuo and yet were still contaminated_. Halting again, he stared at nothing in particular for about three seconds before he turned around, pace just as brisk as before, if not a bit more. Izaya had no idea where Kasuka might be, but he did have a good idea of where Shizuo would think Kasuka would be. He'd check the studio, the milk shop, the area around his apartment building. He'd go to where Kasuka frequented and, knowing Shizuo, Izaya would be able to find him by the sound of things breaking. Or grumbling.

He was guessing Shizuo had very little fear about getting bitten. The man spent his life being feared; a few new monsters weren't going to change that. Izaya had personally watched him crush the zombie's skull like it was nothing. That false sense of security could ultimately be his downfall. He wasn't even sure if Shizuo knew being bit would turn him into one of those things or if he wasn't immune.

_Because Shizu-chan's human._

_Aaah. Disgusting._

Apparently his initial pace had been slow; within ten minutes, Izaya was back to where he and Shizuo had split. Kasuka's apartment first, he decided, he began heading that way, keeping his ears alert for any sounds that would indicate it was Shizuo.

It wasn't guilt.

Nor was it concern.

Izaya didn't have a reason for doubling back to find Shizuo, and it certainly wasn't for _fun_. It was similar to how he didn't have a reason for deciding to partner up with him, how he couldn't stop thinking about him. Because whether or not he believed Shizuo was human, whether or not he'd admit what _he_ himself was, he knew that he had an innate desire to _not be alone_.

And, in this situation, who wouldn't?

There was a comfort in numbers, even just one more. One more person to not be entirely alone and fending for himself. Someone to talk to. Someone whose back he could press his own to. Someone to go through what he was as well. Someone to _be there_ to _experience_ it too. Someone who had a presence Izaya could dwell in.

Izaya felt beyond weak and it was disgusting.

The thought had his nails digging into his palm and he pushed it out of his mind immediately; survival, he thought, it was for survival purposes. It would be safer with Shizuo; that was it. He was doing what anyone would and he was surviving; he had already beat out a good majority of the people and was continuing to do so. He didn't go through all this to just _die_.

It had nothing to do with loneliness.

Izaya hadn't had a group of people around him who genuinely liked him, but he hadn't been this isolated. It was unsettling and unnerving to walk through a city that had brimmed with people just a bit ago. Windows were broken, blood stained everything, streets were empty, corpses were everywhere. Walking in an empty city left an unsettling feeling in the pit of his stomach, made him feel nauseous.

He never understood _why_ humans had such a difficult time being alone. At some point, evolution must have made it for more than just survival. Because if it was just survival, he wouldn't _feel_ like this. If it was just survival, he'd be much more logical about it. If it was just survival…

Clearly, it wasn't _just_ survival.

This entire situation made Izaya incredibly angry; it had taken a world he had created to suit his tastes and destroyed it, turned it inside out. It made it into something he wasn't familiar with anymore, something that he couldn't control.

It pissed him off.

But, he thought and straightened, this wasn't the time for that.

Turning a corner, Izaya glanced up to see the apartment complex that usually had reporters swarming around it, hoping to find a glimpse of the famous Hanejima Yuhei. Izaya stilled and looked around; it was silent and he gave a sigh, wondering if Shizuo had gone into the building, thinking that Kasuka was hiding under the desk in his apartment.

Izaya frowned in concern.

_…Shizu-chan might actually think that._

Taking a step forward, a sudden growl had him retreating and he pressed his body to the wall. His breathing grew heavy and instantly his hand curled around the blade in his pocket, swallowing and keeping incredibly silent and still. Staggered footsteps grew louder, and Izaya moved quietly to behind a dumpster in the alley, crouching behind it. There was a crack between the metal and the wall that he looked between and watched the zombies drag soles of flimsy shoes dragging across pavement.

There were three of them; it was a good thing he didn't try to kill the first one, Izaya thought dryly. Three was a bit excessive for just one person. Shizuo probably would've growled right back. But, then again, Shizuo was probably able to take on three of them.

Izaya didn't think very highly of him. He reacted to instinct, just like a dog.

A dog that could bark _and_ talk.

A slightly more advanced dog.

Waiting until they passed, Izaya waited another ten minutes before standing, just to make sure there weren't any stragglers behind them. He was cautious as he left the alley, crossing the street quickly and quietly. The glass doors leading to the complex showed signs of a bent handle and Izaya suddenly knew that if Shizuo wasn't still here, then he definitely had been here.

Entering, Izaya closed the door quietly. Elevators, he knew, would be out, and so he took the stairs, grateful that Kasuka didn't live too far up. He reacted to every single sound. He found a screwdriver laying around—they left tools while doing construction in a nice place like _this_?—and picked it up; it would reach further and deeper than his knife. It was more strategic. And if he aimed for the eye, he'd be fine.

Rounding the corner of the last flight of stairs, Izaya entered the hallway. He hadn't ever personally been to Kasuka's apartment, but the building was as luxurious as he had imagined. His eyes skimmed the nameplates until he found the familiar characters for Heiwajima, palm pressing to the door and pushing it open.

He held the screwdriver in his right hand; his one advantage was that those things didn't move very quickly and were too stupid for surprise attacks; he had the upper hand there. The only risk was a mob of them, but he doubted more than two in the apartment if most of the building was empty.

_Can they even navigate their way up stairs…?_

"…Shizu-chan?" he tried, stepping in.

Kasuka's apartment was a mess. There was no blood and no bodies, but everything was in a disarray. Izaya's eyes skimmed around quickly; anything that was of value had been taken and he wouldn't even bother checking the kitchen for more food. Photographs were taken, he also noticed, and sighed. Chances were, Kasuka had escaped; he'd taken a few possessions and gotten out quickly. If they were lucky, he'd still be alive.

Izaya was annoyed that Shizuo hoped and it possibly paid off.

Turning and about to leave, he was stopped only by a sudden crash. His screwdriver was grasped tightly in his hand and he moved quickly once he heard a human-sounding growl. Izaya crossed the distance of the living room and headed towards the hallway, following the sound. The door to Kasuka's bedroom was swung open and Izaya saw Shizuo on the ground, wincing and trying in vain to fight off a zombie pinning him down. A glance had him quickly realizing that Kasuka's desk had been turned over, pinning part of Shizuo to the ground. And maybe if there wasn't also a zombie, he could've sent it flying, but with both of those and teeth trying to bite at his flesh, even Shizuo would find himself stuck.

Dropping the backpack, Izaya immediately bolted towards them. One hand grasped hair matted with blood and yanked harshly, letting go so the monster was thrown against the closed doors of Kasuka's dresser. Izaya utilized the moment of immobility and raised the screwdriver, driving it cleanly through the zombie's eye, looking away and avoiding blood splatter. It had stopped moving almost immediately and Izaya was glad he'd made an excellent guess as to where to stab.

The sudden silence took a moment to break; his ears were ringing from adrenaline but Izaya was able to regain control of himself rather quickly. Panting, his hands were shaking as he pulled the screwdriver out, standing and footing unsteady. The metal was wiped on Kasuka's bedding and Izaya looked over and gave a dry smirk. "Is Shizu-chan all right…?"

Shizuo was staring at him, giving a hesitant sort of nod. As expected, he lifted the desk easily and stood, never taking his eyes off of him, like he was suspicious. Swallowing thickly, Shizuo gestured towards the zombie on the ground a bit awkwardly, shifting.

"Uh… thanks."

Izaya _almost_ laughed, but he turned around and vomited instead. One arm against the wall for support, he doubled over, feeling the assortment of snacks he had dined on last night coming back up. Shizuo mumbled something and Izaya heard footsteps, but was too preoccupied with his body's reaction to murder to really notice. A moment later, Izaya felt a wet towel graze against his cheek, hearing a mumbled 'here.'

Grasping it, Izaya coughed and used it to wipe at the vomit still on the corners of his mouths, using the other side to try to wipe as much of the blood off of his face as possible. Shizuo stood by silently, scratching the back of his head, waiting oddly patiently for Izaya to gather himself.

"…You came back?"

" _Obviously_ ," Izaya said, tone mocking but voice weak. He turned and avoided looking at the corpse as he left the room, hand running against the wall to steady himself, towel and screwdriver in the other. Shizuo followed him after a few moments and Izaya said nothing as he at the kitchen table, helping himself to a bottle of water, already beginning to feel slightly better. Red eyes followed Shizuo as he looked the apartment, eyebrow raising to watch him hesitate by the bookshelf.

He wasn't sure what it was, but he did watch Shizuo dismantle a picture frame. A single photograph was taken out and folded, slipped into his wallet. It had been quiet and Izaya took deep breaths until his stomach felt more or less settled (from now being entirely empty.) Izaya had an idea what it was, but he asked anyway, if only to hear the sound of his own voice and piss Shizuo off.

"What did Shizu-chan steal from his own little brother?"

He expected a glare or at least a snappy retort, but to his slight surprise, Shizuo took his wallet out and unfolded the picture, showing him. It was a family portrait, he recognized; it was clearly Shizuo, with his blond hair, and Kasuka, with his neutral expression. And then their parents; Izaya remembered seeing them only at events like graduation, but even then their faces remained a blur to him.

"I see," he said quietly. "…The only one left, right?"

Shizuo gave a nod and pocketed the picture. "…He's alive."

Izaya didn't bother saying that he _was_ alive. He might not still be.

"He's smart," Izaya murmured quietly. "He packed what he needed and left. He's probably with Ruri."

Shizuo gave a nod but still seemed unsettled. Sighing, Izaya leaned back in the chair and took another sip of water. "…Is Shizu-chan going to be angry if I check the pantry?"

"I already did," Shizuo mumbled and Izaya raised an eyebrow in quiet surprise. "He took anything nonperishable."

"Ah…"

Izaya surveyed Shizuo for a few more moments, finishing half the bottle of water before capping it and setting it down. Shizuo was quiet; it was a different kind of quiet from earlier, when Izaya had shut down the idea of looking for Kasuka together. That had been a frustrated, childish-like, tantrum sort of silence. This was a quieter silence. A more mature silence. Shizuo was still and, looking at his face, he didn't look annoyed.

He looked sad.

His expression had hope mingling in anxiety, and that single tiny glimmer was enough for Shizuo to either be elated or heartbroken.

Izaya really didn't have time for a sad Shizuo. Sad people, he knew, didn't operate as efficiently as content people. Sad people were slower, didn't think as quickly, were distracted. Sad people, Izaya thought, would be a nuisance. Sad _Shizuo_ would be twice the nuisance.

Izaya _really_ didn't have time for a sad Shizuo.

"I'm sure Kasuka is still alive," he said, giving a heavy sigh. "He knows how to handle a gun and I'm sure he knows how to fight, if needed. And Ruri, too. She can fight. Don't worry, Shizu-chan. We'll find him—"

"We're going to find Celty and Shinra."

"…Ah?"

Mouth still open, Izaya wasn't too annoyed at being interrupted. He'd accepted that he would need Shizuo to stay alive and so he'd amuse him, pretend to help him find Kasuka. Surely, he thought, the man would give up at some point and Izaya would be able to hurry that process along.

But Shizuo's words surprised him. He was surprised at Shizuo's resolve and watched him walk away from the bookshelf. Heading back to the bedroom and coming out a moment later with a jacket, Izaya's surprise fading when he realized that it would make sense for Shizuo to find some of his clothes at his little brother's place.

He stared at Shizuo until the blond got annoyed.

"Just… I know he's somewhere out there now. He didn't get attacked or anythin'. And like you said, we've got to find Celty and Shinra, right? We'd be safer with them? So… yeah. Let's just go find them. Kasuka'll be fine… I'll find him eventually. It's like that thing. The thing where you find what you're looking for when you stop lookin' for it. It's… fuck! Who cares?!"

Amused that Shizuo had gotten himself riled up, Izaya nodded and stood, giving a slow sigh. "…What made you change your mind?"

Shizuo frowned, tossing Izaya's backpack at him and slinging his own on.

"What made you change _your_ mind?"

"…Fair enough."

Pausing only to rinse off the screwdriver and wiping it down on a paper towel, Izaya led the way out of the building. The sun had long set and it was beginning to grow dark, but they hadn't plunged into absolute darkness. Not yet. There was still time to find Shinra. His day limit hadn't expired.

Izaya was retracing the steps he took to arrive, walking silently, hearing Shizuo follow. It was efficient, just the way he liked. Quiet Shizuo was good. Sad Shizuo wasn't. But Quiet Shizuo was. They had passed the park by the time Shizuo finally spoke, his voice gruff and soft.

"…You haven't killed a lot of them, have you?"

Izaya's brow knit at first, but his expression was neutral when he looked over his shoulder.

"What makes Shizu-chan say that? Is Shizu-chan some sort of a _killing expert_ now?" he murmured. "Aah, I always knew Shizu-chan was a monster, but at least he's killing _other_ monsters."

His blond brow knit and Izaya gave a smirk before facing forward again. "Don't look at me like that, Shizu-chan. You're the one using your own brute force to kill them. It's terrifying, how strong Shizu-chan is…"

Shizuo said nothing for the rest of the walk.

Despite how angry he'd get, Shizuo had never killed anyone and Izaya knew that. He hated to think that the man had some semblance of human restraint left to keep him from killing; Shizuo wasn't a bad person and he had a conscience. Those alone were enough to keep him from cold-blooded murder and he had enough self-control to keep from it being accidental.

Izaya always thought that having Shizuo kill someone would prove to his friends, to everyone, to the city that Shizuo was truly a monster. An abomination. But now that he had killed (it wasn't human but it _used_ to be human), there was no one around to witness it. And he'd killed zombies, ones that may or may not have eventually posed a threat to Izaya. Shizuo had done him a service. Shizuo had saved his life.

Izaya was really annoyed by this whole situation.

Turning the last corner, Izaya immediately took a step back. An arm flung out and he murmured 'hold on' upon feeling Shizuo just walk into his arm.

"What…"

Voice trailing off, Shizuo shifted to be behind Izaya, though he craned his neck around the corner to see what had Izaya stopping so suddenly. His eyes widened, seeing a swarm of zombies encircling what was left of the warehouse; the walls had been torn down and glass broken, shards all over the ground. Had it been any other people, Shizuo would have assumed guns or explosions. But it had been Celty and Shinra.

It was highly likely that Celty had been forced to undergo some drastic measures.

"Oi, Izaya, there's no way-?!"

"I don't know."

Narrowing his eyes and shifting to be hidden more in the shadows, Izaya raised a finger to his lips to silence Shizuo. His first thought had been the same; where Shinra and Celty all right? They definitely weren't in the building anymore, but he couldn't tell if they had escaped or if the reason all the zombies were still there was because there was a fresh body to feed off of.

His blood curdled at the thought.

Reaching into his backpack and taking out his cellphone, Izaya impatiently stared at it, waiting for it to boot up. Shizuo was silent but he was pacing and Izaya didn't do much to try to still him; he didn't want to run the risk of Shizuo yelling before he could think twice about it and at least fidgeting was silent.

Finally his screen lit up and Izaya scowled, mumbling 'signal… signal, hurry up…'

Once he saw the bars, he instantly pressed messages. There were no new ones and he tried texting Shinra, knowing before he even hit 'send' that an immediate response was highly unlikely.

_The warehouse is surrounded. Where are you two now?_

_Izaya_

Kishitani Shinra was, without a doubt, the only person who came close to being called a "friend" by Orihara Izaya. The idea of having lost him didn't destroy Izaya, but it certainly wasn't something he could brush off easily. He was with Celty, Izaya thought, surely that meant he was fine. He didn't know anything about the zombies concerning their biology, but Celty was a Dullahan; she _had_ to be able to defend them. She was out of this world, she was _actually_ not human, like Shizuo, she was on par _if not more so_ than zombies.

And she loved Shinra, so if she was safe, Shinra had be.

Swallowing, and looking at the horde again, Izaya closed his eyes, brow knit.

_But…_ _against all of those?_

"Hey, Izaya…"

"Shut up. Let… let me think."

Sinking to the ground with his back against the ground, a hand raised to his temple. He'd given up hope the moment he saw there was no new message; sending another one had been hopeless. This ordeal was a nightmare; he started out alone, was supposed to meet up with Shinra and Celty, picked up Shizuo, lost Shizuo, found Shizuo, was supposed to meet up with Shinra and Celty, could possibly be just a few hundred yards away from Shinra's rotting body.

If there was anything left in his stomach, he would surely be vomiting again.

His head fell back, a dull _thunk_ as it connected with the wall behind him. Fear was welling in his throat and he swallowed thickly; the most terrifying aspect of this was that this had been the _next step_. The next step of a plan, the next step was all he had. Step one, apparently, had been teaming up with Shizuo. Step two was finding Shinra and Celty. Step three was to figure out step three with Shinra and Celty. Step four was executing step three.

Step two had fallen apart and he had no idea how to advance.

Swearing quietly, a fist hit the ground. Shizuo was pacing, both hands in his hair and he looked just as distraught, probably at the thought of something happening to Celty. He was mumbling things but Izaya wasn't listening; he was trying to rack his brain for what to do.

He was good at improvisation but even then, there was _some degree of control._

Izaya had lost every single piece and bit of control he had. He had no idea what was coming next, he had no idea if they could even go back. He had no idea what tomorrow held; he had no idea where anyone was; he had no idea about anything and he wasn't used to feeling this helpless.

And to make it even worse, he couldn't _break down_ because he was with Shizuo.

He couldn't show weakness, especially not in front of Shizuo.

"Izaya," Shizuo tried again, his voice tight. "…What do we do now?"

Swallowing again, Izaya looked at Shizuo with a tired, empty half smile, eyes dull. He'd been denying it this entire time, never realizing it entirely, but it felt like everything was slipping away. It felt like he was slipping away and he had half a mind to press that barrel to his chin again.

Orihara Izaya was _scared_.

"…I really don't know."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i finished finals and so i bring you chapter two, yay! thank you for reading, reviews are much appreciated!


	3. the world is going to hell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the world is going to hell. and he knew what he had to do: not go to hell with it.

**april 29, 10:34 p.m.**

"All right. We'll find a refugee camp."

Shizuo seemed tired when he looked up. They had found a small, secluded motel in the area, somewhere they were certain that they could relax and be safe for the night. Shizuo had kicked open a door and Izaya boarded it back up, using both the original door and some spares piece of wood he'd found outside. Shizuo had helped but Izaya watched him pound a nail in with so much force that he vaguely wondered if they'd be able to get back out later, waving him off.

Instead, Shizuo went to the bathroom and Izaya assumed there was at least warm water when he heard the shower being turned on and no complaints. He'd long finished nailing the boards up and was relaxing in a chair when Shizuo came out after a fast shower. He had a towel around his waist and glared at Izaya when he raised an eyebrow.

_"Sorry, didn't bring a fuckin' change of clothes with me. Don't tell me you're bothered by another dick besides yours and you."_

Izaya followed with a dry sort of smirk; luckily there were two beds and he walked out in a towel, sitting in the unoccupied bed. They took the opportunity to wash their clothes; it had only been a day where they were together and already the fabrics seemed drenched in blood and guts. They used the complimentary soaps and what was left of the shampoo to wash them, wringing them out and hanging them afterwards. Izaya had qualms about his jacket drying, but had found a blow dryer; he could use that to hasten the process if needed. If zombies attacked, Izaya thought, they'd both have to start running stark naked.

_Things couldn't possibly get any worse._

"…What?" Shizuo asked, looking up.

"A refugee camp," Izaya repeated. He laid with the covers pooled around his hips and hands folded behind his head as he stared at the ceiling. The towel was at the end of the bed after he'd used it to dry his hair a bit more. "Tokyo was probably hit hardest. Osaka is the most densely populated city, so I doubt there'll be anything there. So let's try Kumamoto. There's got to be a camp there."

"That's…"

"Forty four kilometers," he murmured. "We can find a car. Shizu-chan's not against theft is he?"

Izaya could feel Shizuo staring, attention finally drawn from his book.

"Well, I'm sure Shizu-chan is. But the owner is probably dead, as is the next of kin. So it'll be all right. An RV, preferably… it'll be more gas but, ahh, I don't feel right about driving a sports car during a zombie apocalypse. I'm sure there are abandoned cars on the highway from attacks. We can get gas from them if needed. Mm… ah! This is a motel, I'm sure they have maps around here…"

"Wait," Shizuo said and Izaya heard rumpling of sheets, assuming he had decided to sit up. "…We're just leaving?"

Clearly the motel was cheap; against his soft skin, Izaya thought the sheets were a bit rough. It was doable for one night, especially in the given situation, but if Izaya were paying, he'd be very unsatisfied. He hadn't bothered with the television and the lights were off, not wanting to draw the attention of any zombies.

Izaya gave a slight frown and turned to look at him, back still on the bed. He saw Shizuo's book closed and by the bed, the man propping himself up on his elbows. "Of course we are," he said slowly. "…What did you think? That we were going to stay here and hide until this all passed over? How naïve of you, Shizu-chan…"

"We can't just… _leave_ ," Shizuo sputtered, making vague hand gestures. "We… this is our home! I thought we were going to figure somethin' out! Take back our city!"

"Take back our city?" Izaya echoed and he gave a hollow laugh, shaking his head and staring at the ceiling again. He'd expected a reaction like this from Shizuo, but to actually hear those words felt ludicrous. He'd partnered up with a twenty-five-year-old man, but he seemed to have the mind of a five-year-old. "Shizu-chan, this isn't some _game_ or protest. We can't just kill them all, like in a video game. Has Shizu-chan been playing too many of those?"

"…I only play Pokemon."

It had been a rhetorical question, but, of course, he answered it.

"Well," Izaya murmured, "Shizu-chan knows what a shooting game _is_ right?"

Shizuo looked insulted. "Of course I do."

Izaya gave another smirk. Heiwajima Shizuo, who didn't even play violent video games, was now smashing heads in and just shaking the blood and brains off of his hands, taking showers like they didn't matter.

(On the surface, at least.)

Izaya wondered how long it would be until Shizuo really did crack, until all this violence caught up with the man who hated violence but was the epitome of it himself. He knew that appearances hid many things and that Shizuo, like himself, would do what it took to survive. But he wondered what kind of an emotional toll it was taking on him, what Shizuo was suppressing, how much he was pushing away to be able to remain rational.

He was surprised that Shizuo had been able to keep at this for this long. But maybe it was different; maybe since Shizuo didn't classify those things as humans or animals, that they really were monsters, he was able to kill them. Shizuo didn't want to kill; he hated violence. But since it was for survival, Izaya wondered, there could be that he would indulge in violence as long as he could brush it off with self-defense. But as far as Izaya knew from high school, Shizuo didn't even kill insects.

Shizuo really was someone incomprehensible to him.

"Right," he sighed and closed his eyes. "We don't get rewards for clearing levels and there's no walk-through. And we get tired and we don't just find ammunition lying around on the ground. And these things are never ending. We don't have a quest. We just need to survive. Understand, Shizu-chan? Survive. Survival isn't sitting here and not dying. Survival means _fighting._ "

He supposed it wasn't surprising that Shizuo had such an idealistic view. Maybe that was why he was suddenly so lenient with finding Kasuka. He'd believed they'd still stay in the city (or at least the area) and that he could find him, even after meeting up with Shinra and Celty. He thought that there was something in this city left, that they could find something here to fix everything and restart society. And, knowing Shizuo, it would've been a utopian sort of society.

Shizuo was simple-minded.

_No,_ Izaya thought. _Simple isn't the right word. Shizu-chan is…_

_Idealistic._

_He has too much hope for this world. Especially now._

Shizuo was quiet for a long time and he laid back down, turning so that his back faced Izaya. When he had been walking around, towel around his waist to keep from indecency, Izaya had seen a very faint scar across his chest. A dry smirk tugged his lips; he didn't think the wound been that deep and with Shizuo's body, he thought it wouldn't have scarred.

It was rather pleasing to see.

"Kasuka's probably left, too."

Sitting up and grabbing the towel to wrap around him as he went to the bathroom to check on their clothes, Izaya heard nothing from Shizuo, but knew he was awake from not hearing any snoring. He hummed lightly and ran his fingers over his shirt and pants, pleased that they were drying relatively quickly. Nevertheless, he picked them up and tried to wring them out again. "I wouldn't be surprised if his car was gone. We need to find more people to be with, Shizu-chan. There's a safety in numbers, yeah?"

Still more silence.

Coming out of the bathroom, Izaya lingered for a moment before returning to bed. He went to peek through the closed curtains to make sure there were no zombies loitering outside. Upon seeing only the dark sky and the moon, he felt satisfied and went to lay back down.

"Or do you have a better plan?"

Izaya had very little patience right now. If it were up to him, he'd most likely already be making preparations to move. But he now had Shizuo to deal with and that meant waiting for him to make up his mind. Forcing the man to go with him would do little except cause unnecessary friction, like when he'd been hell-bent on finding Kasuka at first. They were both extremely stubborn men, with the one exception that Izaya was more of a born leader than Shizuo.

Thought it was more in terms of leading people who weren't aware of his personality and ulterior motives, Orihara Izaya had a certain charisma to him that made people flock to him, usually people lost and confused. He had that innate quality to be a leader, as long as people would listen to him. They were usually rather desperate people in desperate situations and these circumstances were especially desperate.

Shizuo wasn't normally a lost and confused person, but he'd lost his home, his friends, his brother, almost everything and this was probably the most lost and confused he'd ever been. Shizuo would come around, Izaya knew. Shizuo was strong and he did well surviving on his own, but he wouldn't be as quick to make decisive decisions as Izaya was able to.

Izaya just had to wait.

A few hours passed and Izaya was resting, not necessarily falling asleep. He moved to sit up a few times to massage his calf muscles, glad that they were feeling better. There was one good thing, he thought. By the time it was morning, he was sure that he'd be ready to move and be at his peak physical condition. The last thing he needed now was an issue with his body, yet another reminder of how he'd missed Shinra and Celty.

Red eyes narrowed but he dismissed the growing annoyance quickly.

_There's no point in wondering if I would've found them had it not been for Shizu-chan's delay._

Working with Heiwajima Shizuo would easily be the most difficult thing Izaya had to do. Working with Shizuo meant seeing him as an equal because treating him as a subordinate would piss him off. An angry Shizuo meant yelling and violence, rash decisions with hardly any thinking at all. An angry Shizuo meant endangerment to both of them.

He had to see him as an equal (or at least act like it.) He had to be patient, he probably even needed to hold his tongue. Izaya had spent the last ten years hating him, throwing cruel words at him and reveling in the way Shizuo would get angry. He had to change the entire way he dealt with Shizuo, do the exact opposite. Just being near Shizuo left a sour taste in his mouth and immediately awoke a part of Izaya that, he hated to admit, was irrational. But Izaya _had_ to stay composed; he had to retain his self-control and keep his cool. He'd agreed to be his partner. He had to deal with him.

Izaya really would've preferred to be with anyone _except_ Shizuo, but he was the only person left. He didn't exactly have a choice.

By the time Izaya was about to go to sleep, he heard a mumbled 'all right' from Shizuo. Izaya gave a ghost of a smirk and murmured that he was pleased. He got up again, this time rummaging through the mini-fridge in the room, glad to see some food still left. He gathered everything he could and divided it evenly, leaving half on Shizuo's bed and taking the other half for himself. Two water bottles, one for each, and he took a small sip of his. Shizuo wasn't looking at him, but Izaya didn't care about that.

"We'll leave tomorrow morning, then."

Izaya could lead a dog on a leash and pretend he was a dog as well, if needed.

**april 30, 8:20 a.m.**

_"Where are we going to find an RV?"_

_"Impound lot."_

Shizuo decided not to ask about the two following things:

1\. How Izaya so easily snuck into the impound lot when Shizuo was still heading towards the main gate to pry it open.

2\. How Izaya could get into a locked RV so easily, saying that they'd find the key once they found a vehicle.

Staring at him, he shook his head and followed him inside, nose wrinkling at the musty smell. He mumbled about it under his breath and watched Izaya open the windows, blinking. Half of him thought to thank him but the other half knew better; Izaya would just say something and piss him off.

It still felt surreal. The shock of the event left Shizuo feeling a bit dazed. He'd heard about the zombies on the news, but it had progressed so quickly from just a few people to what seemed like half the city. Shizuo had been buying groceries when a horde of them stumbled into the store; he had just finished work and had absolutely no idea where anyone he cared about was, but he did know he had to get out of there, remembering that he heard this virus was dangerous because it was infectious.

The first zombie he killed was a woman with brown hair and he slammed her head into one of the glass doors in the frozen foods aisle.

He'd never forget the feeling. She was cold to the touch but she was moving; it wouldn't be accurate to say she was _alive_ but she certainly wasn't dead. Shizuo had remembered hesitating at first; he wondered who she was. A wife? A sister? Definitely someone's daughter. He remembered backing up until he had nowhere else to go, watching her advance on him, hands outstretched, feet dragging, mouth open and the most bone chilling sort of groan emitting from her decaying lips.

He _really_ didn't want to kill her.

He didn't want to kill anyone. He didn't want to, even though he knew it would be easy for him and his strength.

But he didn't want to die and become one of them either.

On April 23rd, he had decided to go grocery shopping and the world went to hell.

While he had been watching the zombie stumble towards him, human instinct took over and Shizuo reached out his hand, grabbing her head and throwing her into one of the glass doors in the frozen aisle. It didn't kill her at first; he had to try again, do it until she really was dead, glass cracking and blood staining in the hollows. He ended up having to crush her skull with his own hands and he'd never forget his hands stained red, that decaying flesh smell lingering long after he rushed out and washed his hands.

Adrenaline kept him moving for a good while. He had started heading back home, but seeing a whole stampede immediately let him know that that wasn't a possibility. Shizuo stared for a moment, stunned before he turned and began running the other way, going down any alley that wasn't infested. Luckily for him, he had nothing of value in his run-down apartment, nothing he really needed. Everything that had sentimental value was already on him; he even kept the few photographs he had of his family in his wallet.

He ran through the city until his lungs were burning, avoiding having to kill, but doing so when necessary. He picked up anything he could and aimed for their heads, ignoring the squelching sounds; killing still made his stomach lurch, but at least it wasn't with his bare hands. Eyes searched desperately for anyone alive but he only saw them screaming or running or dying; there was no one he could've stopped to help without putting himself at danger.

The city was going to hell and he was running.

He ran until they were gone and it was only when he had stopped, when blood wasn't pumping as furiously through his body that Shizuo had realized the gravity of the situation.

It hadn't happened when he saw them coming in, heard the screams.

It hadn't happened when he saw them eating at people, attacking them and biting off chunks of their flesh.

It hadn't even happened when he killed that woman.

It happened when he was alone in an alley, staring at his blood stained hands, feeling his lungs try to gasp for air. He moved to wipe his hands on his pants but stopped short, remembering that they were from Kasuka. That they were probably the only ones he'd ever have left.

And he'd gotten blood on the sleeves.

Still a bit dazed, he immediately wondered if he could get the stains out. While he was staring, he felt panic welling up inside of him. His hands had started shaking and Shizuo's vision started blurring, skin prickling and breath short. Zombies had been moaning and grunting, but he'd been behind a dumpster, smell concealed by garbage. And the sound of everything else covered his heavy panting, so he was lucky. But he didn't _feel_ lucky; he couldn't stop staring at his hands and sleeves, remembered the blood, felt overwhelmed, lost, confused, terrified. It was like he was losing control and he was spiraling faster and faster, trying to find a rock bottom to hit.

But then it had passed. He didn't remember how long it lasted, how long he was on the ground in that alley, but it did pass. All of a sudden, his breathing was normal and his skin wasn't prickling anymore, and he felt _normal._ And when it did, Shizuo felt nothing.

He wasn't sure how long he sat in that alley, but at some point, the screams had died down and the grunts passed. Shizuo felt robotic as he stood and wandered through the city, hardly taking in the dead bodies and broken glass. He turned into the nearest pharmacy and first went to the bathroom, grateful to finally wash his hands. Then he went back into the store and found a bit of detergent, nodding.

_"Yeah_ ," he mumbled to himself. _"Yeah, this works. This stuff works. Used it to get that curry stain out. Yeah, this is going to work."_

_"Yeah, this is going to work."_

He remembered standing in that public restroom for a long, long time, scrubbing at the blood on his vest and sleeve, airing them out and using the hand dryer, redressing when they were nearly entirely dry. They felt clean and it made him feel a bit more relaxed. He always felt better in freshly cleaned clothes.

Before he left, though, he pulled out exact change and left it at the cashier's counter and walked out.

Funnily enough, he never used to count exact change. He never liked holding up the line and always got mad at the people who did, so he just pulled out the fewest bills he needed and handed them over.

Shizuo felt very disconnected from the entire situation. He'd heard it and seen it, felt it and smelled it, but it all felt distant and like he wasn't actually a part of it. Like he was an observer, a spectator, but not an actual participant. He knew what was happening:

The world is going to hell.

And he knew what he had to do:

Not go to hell with it.

Maybe the calmness was a good thing. It certainly helped that he wasn't nervous; he was able to move efficiently and think relatively clearly. He didn't even wonder why he felt strangely calm. Shizuo was _never_ this calm, especially not in a situation like this. He couldn't explain it, but he was so nonchalant as he walked through the city with his newly cleaned clothes. He stopped by the grocery store and picked up some food and a carton of milk, leaving exact change again. He couldn't go home and wasn't sure where to go, but he decided to get milk.

So he got milk.

_"Ah. Need more money. All right."_

He went to an ATM and withdrew a normal amount. But then he thought about it and withdrew more. He nodded upon this decision, thinking that he was preparing for the future. Who knew when he'd be at an ATM again? Better withdraw more. Actually, better withdraw all of it. Who knew what would happen to the banking system? It could probably collapse.

He did this while standing less than a foot away from a dead body.

Shizuo withdrew everything he had in savings (which really wasn't too much; definitely not so much that he couldn't fit it in his pockets.) He continued walking, turning down streets and alleys without thinking, until he found a place to stay; even in his dazed state, he knew it was dangerous, especially at nighttime. And he was tired. He was so exhausted; so confused and so exhausted.

Luckily for him, he found some thin blankets and a pillow from an apartment he passed by earlier, hole in the wall, home exposed to the entire city. He didn't take anything else besides those items and a book. He didn't want to take anything they'd _really_ miss. He didn't know where they were, but he left most of it untouched. He was being considerate. Shizuo carried them with him easily, bag of food in his other hand as he searched for somewhere to stay. It didn't feel right to stay in someone's home without asking, so he searched for an abandoned warehouse or something.

By nightfall, he found a place in one of the more desolate areas of Ikebukuro, one of the areas that the delinquents frequented. But the yakuza weren't here and Shizuo didn't feel bad about sleeping somewhere that people he'd usually beat up slept. So he settled in, tried to make himself as comfortable as he could with the few blankets and pillow. It had been a while since he had time to read, he thought. He had settled in, folded the clothes Kasuka gave him, and began to read with the moonlight when he remembered that he should've brought pajamas. It was cold.

He needed pajamas. He'd pick those up tomorrow.

Shizuo began reading, but remembered something else: he finished his milk.

He'd need more food. He had money now, so he'd buy more food tomorrow.

Shizuo began reading but remembered something else: he was tired.

He should rest. Definitely rest.

_The world is going to hell._

He'd go out tomorrow and get some food.

He still felt nothing.

The cycle repeated for a few days. Shizuo would go out and buy what he needed, look around. A small part of him hoped to find someone else but with every passing day, that hope began to diminish and he began to wonder that maybe the only reason he survived was because he was a _monster_.

That those things had killed everyone, but not him.

Because he wasn't human, because he was a _monster_.

He'd stopped by the grocery store daily to buy food and milk. The bills he had were large so he took the liberty of getting change for himself. They probably wouldn't mind; he didn't take more than he slipped in. It took a while the first time to figure out how to open the register without breaking it, but he managed, always closed it after himself.

He left exact change every time.

Shizuo wasn't going to steal.

He'd go out and then come back, spend no more than an hour or two at most. Sometimes he'd stop by the convenience store for some extra things he needed, like tissues or band aids. The sun felt nice on his skin and it was almost a chore to have to come back to his little hideout. But he didn't want to kill anymore; he wouldn't risk a few minutes of laying in the grass in exchange for having to kill a zombie that found him.

_I hate violence._

He kept forgetting pajamas.

He did his laundry in a makeshift washing machine consisting of water, a bar of soap, and a bucket.

He couldn't sleep.

He tried, but he couldn't sleep.

Shizuo couldn't sleep. He laid down in his makeshift bed most of the time, but he still couldn't sleep. He tried to read, but he couldn't focus. He couldn't do anything; he couldn't even feel anything. He didn't feel paranoia or fear. He felt nothing and wondered if he'd become a shell. Maybe it was shock. He could hear Shinra's annoying voice in his head, rambling about how he was so shocked and that's why he felt this way.

Shizuo's stomach lurched at the thought of Shinra.

_Celty… where is she?_

_Oh, god. Kasuka._

_Tom-san, Vorona… Akane. Everyone… where is everyone?_

He tried to ignore those thoughts whenever they'd come up, use all his willpower to think of something else. Sometimes he'd go out again, if it wasn't too late, with the excuse that he could always use more bread. Shizuo had made it a point to not look at the bodies scattered on the ground, keep his eyes level. If he just passed them, he wouldn't know and he preferred that. Ignorance was bliss, he thought. He could stand seeing dead bodies but not the faces, not anything that would tell him who it was.

He felt empty but he was worried that seeing someone he know as a dead body would be overwhelming.

Shizuo was beginning to think this would never end. There was a moment where he was standing at the checkout lane, wondering if he should even keep wasting his money and buying food if he was going to die eventually. He had no one left and he certainly couldn't imagine growing old like this. The bread would mold too, he thought. And then he wouldn't be able to eat it.

_Is there even any point?_

And yet he paid after a moment, intended on this being his last trip to the store. His fingers grasped the bag a bit tighter as he made his way back, giving a sigh.

_Yeah, this is my last trip._

_April 28_ _th_ _._

_This will be my end._

The world is going to hell.

But that day, something extraordinary happened:

Orihara Izaya.

Rather, Izaya appeared before him and he was about to kill himself. The extraordinary thing was that seeing that revitalized Shizuo.

Seeing Orihara Izaya, the one person he wanted dead, about to kill himself, made Shizuo think about himself. How he had decided to stop living this and just give up. He hadn't thought much about that, but seeing Izaya, who was scared of death, who was an asshole, who really didn't deserve to live, about to blow his brains out felt like a punch to his gut.

He realized it was because Izaya was _human_ and he was just giving up his life, his precious _human life._

The _human life_ that Shizuo also had. Every single feeling filled Shizuo's body, filling the chasm that he'd been feeling for the past six days, and the one that won out to be expressed was the one most frequently associated with Izaya:

Anger.

" _The fuck are you doin', you damn louse?!"_

He swore and yelled at him, grabbed Izaya's hand and yanked it away. He remembered that Izaya had seemed surprised but he didn't waste any time and began running, leading him back to where he had been staying for the past few days, an empty space that suddenly seemed like a safe haven.

It had been dark and miserable, almost seeming like a prison, but suddenly it was _safe_. He had been surviving here; this place kept him alive.

_He wasn't alone._

Even if it was just Izaya, Izaya was another human being. A proper human being. Not a zombie. A person. Someone who could talk, someone who could think. Izaya meant that Shizuo was by himself. Izaya meant that Shizuo wasn't lonely. Izaya wasn't the best company, but Izaya meant he wasn't _alone._

And just knowing that there was someone else was enough for him to want to keep surviving.

It was odd, realizing that Orihara Izaya had been the reason Heiwajima Shizuo decided to keep living.

In a way, Orihara Izaya saved him.

"…This one?" Shizuo asked, looking around the RV.

Izaya nodded and hopped back out, looking at the lot number. He murmured 'Shizu-chan, wait here' and headed back towards the office near the entrance. Shizuo frowned but nodded and took a seat at one of the booths, their backpacks left on the ground next to his feet. It was surprisingly not awful, Shizuo thought Certainly not high class, but livable in. There was a table with two booths, some cots, even a kitchen with countertops and a refrigerator. It was like a moving home; a bit small, but very portable. Very convenient, Shizuo thought.

_…Can't believe we're stealing this, though…_

He made a mental calculation and frowned, scratching his cheek.

_…Definitely don't have enough cash to pay for this._

The only problem, Shizuo thought, with Izaya being alive was that he'd have to listen to Izaya because of their newly formed partnership. The very idea of working together with him made Shizuo feel disgusted, but after days of feeling nothing, he was actually gratefully to feel that way. He never thought there'd be a day where he had to listen to Izaya, but in this situation, there was no other option.

Izaya could make quick decisions.

Izaya could think ahead.

Izaya was smart and Shizuo hated that. But if he was the strength, then Izaya would be the brains. Together, they would probably be all right. They'd just have to work together, which was both the whole point and the biggest problem.

"We should stop by the department store for food and stuff," Shizuo said when he heard Izaya come back. His eyes flicked towards the entrance when he heard a few containers being set down, sounding heavy. An eyebrow raised and he stared, unable to figure out what they were and he looked up at Izaya.

"Gas," Izaya explained with a nod. "Who knows when we'll find more, but this should be more than enough to get to Kumamoto. Does Shizu-chan drive?"

"…"

Shizuo _drove_ but just not very calmly.

"Ah. Road rage," Izaya murmured with another nod. "I'll drive."

Scowling, Shizuo stood and made his way to the passenger seat next to Izaya. The engine started smoothly and Shizuo pulled his seat belt on, relaxing only to be told to get out a few minutes later. He immediately felt irked, but swallowed the immediate _'I'm not fuckin' walking!'_ as a retort. Instead, he managed a question through grit teeth.

"…What?"

"Open the gate," Izaya said, chin gesturing towards the chained entrance they had stopped in front of. Frowning still, but glad that Izaya had an actual reason, Shizuo got out and ripped the chains apart, kicking the doors open. He saw Izaya's smirk and ignored the 'Shizu-chan's like my own muscleman' when he got back in, belt clicking.

"Put on your seat belt," Shizuo mumbled.

"Is Shizu-chan my mother?"

"You want to die from flying out the windshield and then get eaten by zombies?"

It was a tiny victory for Shizuo when Izaya pulled on the belt. The roads were clear and Shizuo even found himself relaxing again as they headed towards the biggest department store that wasn't in the center of the city. They'd realized outskirts were safer and decided to stick to them if possible; certainly they'd be able to take out a few zombies together, but they knew better than to charge into a huge crowd when a just-as-good department store was around.

Shizuo blinked, remembering.

"I need pajamas."

"…All right," Izaya murmured after a moment, clicking his tongue.

_Finally going to get those pajamas._

With the window rolled down, Shizuo could even feel the beginnings of a smile etching on his lips. The sun was warm on his skin and the wind was a nice breeze. It was quiet, no honking, and even Izaya wasn't talking. With this silence and this sunshine, Shizuo could almost feel like he was at peace.

He could almost forget that the world had went to hell.

It was only when he began smelling that particular stench that Shizuo was snapped out of his daze and he rolled the window up, nose wrinkling. Izaya mumbled 'and here we are, back at home' as he parked in front of the store. Outskirts or not, death was imminent. Shizuo had thought he'd gotten used to it, but it seemed his reprieve was short lived. Door opening, Shizuo immediately saw a splayed arm and he stared for a moment before stepping over it, keeping his eyes up.

He pretended all the crunching beneath his shoes were gravel and anything slippery was water ( _just water_.) Izaya walked briskly and Shizuo didn't even stop to wonder how he could act so calm. He'd been under that daze, so he understood what it was like, but he somehow felt that Izaya wasn't hollow.

Izaya was the king of delusion and he'd managed to trick even himself, probably.

"Get a cart," Izaya instructed, "and grab what you need. You get water and I'll get food. Anything else. But not too much, all right?"

Nodding, it didn't take Shizuo too long to go around the department store. He finally got the pajamas he'd been thinking about for more than a week now, along with some extra clothes. Blankets, pillows (he even tested them by resting his head against them), then cases of water. It was just him and Izaya, but he figured it was safer to get more.

He passed by the milk but didn't grab one. He didn't have to test it to know that the electricity had cut out a few days ago, meaning the milk was sitting in relatively warm weather.

Even Shizuo didn't like spoiled milk.

He went out and loaded everything into the RV and returned to the store, leaving the cart where it had been and stopping by the check-out, taking out a wad of bills. He had made the calculation of his total while he had been shopping and was counting out exact change when Izaya walked up and stared at him for a long time.

"…Shizu-chan, seriously?"

"I'm not a thief."

Izaya stared at the money Shizuo laid down on the counter silently but sighed, shaking his head and murmuring 'not like you're wasting it.' A quick glance over Izaya's cart made Shizuo frown; he had food and medicine, lots of medical supplies and other things like flashlights and tools, even a tent. A much wider variety of things than Shizuo had gotten. Shizuo hadn't thought about camping and when he asked Izaya, the man just waved his hand, said that it was just in case.

"…I got pillows and blankets and water," Shizuo explained.

"That's nice, Shizu-chan."

Izaya's smirk was irritating but Shizuo just scoffed; he'd see how long Izaya would be smirking when Shizuo had both pillows and Izaya not even one. He mumbled 'let me look around one more time before we leave' and Izaya gave a nod, pushing the cart out.

The store was better off than many others, at least. It was relatively neat, just without any electricity and fruits rotting, meat spoiling. Bodies of both humans and zombies were present, but they didn't pile up like on the streets closer to the busiest area of the city. He was getting used to the smell again, both of human flesh and spoiled meat. Shizuo wasn't sure if he was supposed to be grateful for that.

He had wandered over to the home repair section and picked up a hammer, frowning slightly as he tested the weight. It would help, he thought as he turned t over in his hands. He wouldn't have to do it with his bare hands.

Shizuo's heart sank, knowing he'd have to keep killing. He immediately pushed the feeling aside and decided to bring the hammer along— _just in case._ Everything was a matter of survival now.

He heard an odd ripping sound, like that of plastic, but ignored it when he looked up and saw black hair. He didn't need or want to concern himself with Izaya and what he was doing any more than he had to; it wasn't his business if he had decided to start stealing. He'd tolerate him, but only the bare minimum, Shizuo thought.

Hesitating, Shizuo frowned a bit.

_Is it stealing if the owner is probably dead?_

_Of course it is._

_It's still the owner's store and Izaya's not stealing. Just because he's dead doesn't mean it isn't stealin'._

_Damn flea… rich as hell and still stealing._

_Piece of shit…_

Shaking his head, mumbling that he didn't need to be thinking about stuff like that, Shizuo tested out a few more hammers before deciding that the first he picked up was his best bet. He was looking over the other items, wondering if they'd be of use, when he heard Izaya's voice call out to him again.

"Shizu-chan, are you ready?" Shizuo heard and sighed, beginning to walk back.

"Yeah, I'm coming—"

Shizuo's voice was cut off by a sudden high-pitched scream. He could just vaguely see Izaya at the entrance and they made eye contact, hesitating only a moment before Izaya gave a nod and Shizuo understood.

_Find the source of the voice._

They began sprinting towards where they thought the sound had come from; they had no idea who it was, but that scream was very distinctly _human_. He didn't know about Izaya, but Shizuo felt a need to help every single survivor he could. There were so few of them and life was even more precious than it had been. Maybe it was because he'd killed a zombie, who used to be human, so he thought saving one would atone for that.

It didn't, Shizuo knew, but he was desperate for any sort of redemption.

They had a duty to each other, as human beings.

Izaya arrived first; even with Shizuo's long legs, Izaya had the ability to seem to just fly his way to places. Shizuo was still rounding the corner and sprinting, seeing a woman on the ground, trying to kick at the zombie approaching her. Shizuo's eyes watched as a gun was taken from the Orihara's coat and he took just a moment to aim before firing, a single decisive gunshot.

It fell to the ground and the woman managed to move out of the way just in time, breathing heavy and leaning against the nearby wall, her long hair concealing her face at first. Shizuo reached her first while Izaya examined the body, making sure it was dead, nudging it with a foot.

"Are you all right?" he asked.

"Yeah."

After a shudder ran through her body, a pale hand reached up to tuck brown hair behind her ear. She looked towards him and Shizuo stared back at her for a good five seconds, hiding her surprise in an impassive way that only the way one person could do so well.

"Ah. Namie-san."

Her lips pursed in a frown as she turned to glare at Izaya, looking rather annoyed, despite having been saved by him. There was a click on the gun as he pocketed it again and approached the two, giving a smirk. Shizuo suddenly understood why Namie looked so annoyed, straightening and watching the two.

"You're welcome," Izaya prompted.

"Shut up."

She stood and straightened her skirt and began to leave, but Izaya gave a dry laugh. A hand reached out and grasped her arm lightly, stopping her. She didn't bother to try and free it; instead, she looked over her shoulder and glared at him, eyes narrowed. "Why are you still alive?" she snapped.

"I could ask you the same thing."

Shizuo felt like he wasn't even there.

"Why don't you join us?" Izaya continued with a smirk. "If Shizu-chan and I can work together, I'm sure you could too. I'm sure your medical background could be rather useful. In return… ah, well, you'd be _more than safe_ with us, no?"

"Like hell," she scoffed. "You and Shizuo working _together_? I'd rather not be there for when hell erupts."

"Namie-san," Izaya murmured, his eyes twinkling as he leaned in, "hell has _already_ erupted. Where are you going to go? Stay here, in a city this dead? Ah, wait… you must be looking for _Seiji-kun_."

His smirk widened at her scowl and she finally tugged her arm free. Izaya gave a shrug; she'd be useful, he thought, with her medical background and just because one more person would help them. She was annoying, the worst of women, but still a person. While her personality was revolting, Izaya decided that if he'd agreed to work with Shizuo, then Namie would be much easier to deal with. It seemed like a ludicrous idea, but everything about this had a tad bit of abnormality in it.

And the fact she hadn't walked off meant she was thinking the same thing.

"Why don't you come with us?" Izaya piped up. "We're heading towards a refugee camp in Kumamoto. Perhaps Seiji-kun will be there too… if he's smart, that is. Anyone smart and alive will have evacuated this city already, headed for another place."

Namie glared at him tiredly but sighed and nodded after a moment, seeming to respond to Kumamoto. Shizuo's eyes dropped to a bag on the ground and bent down, picking it up and offering it to her. She snatched it from him and he nearly jolted at how aggressive she was, realizing he'd never taken the time to know Izaya's secretary.

_Well… not like I had any reason to._

"Fine," she said curtly, turning to face them. "But I'm not sleeping with you."

Izaya smiled, an ice cold sort of curve of his lips.

"Namie-san, I assure you, I would rather be eaten alive than to even consider that."

"I meant sharing a _bed_."

"Of course, of course… why, your mind is quite in the gutter…"

At that point, Shizuo decided to step in, mumbling 'we should get going, that gun shot probably attracted attention' and put a hand on Namie's shoulder. She shrugged it off and he blinked again, watching as she began to walk curtly, heels clicking against the ground, not once looking back.

_Did I… do something…?_

_Ah, whatever…_

Izaya gave a loud sigh and Shizuo turned to him, seeing a hand rise to cover his eye.

"As if things couldn't get any worse…"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading, kudos and comments are much appreciated!


	4. from satan himself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ...and then a gunshot from satan himself.

_**april 30, 11:24 a.m.** _

_Sighing as he left the cart outside, Izaya stepped back in, intending on one last scan over the store. He'd picked up several things, but was hoping for the cities they'd stop by on the way to Kumamoto to have stores (and better yet, people.) Izaya hoped they wouldn't have to resort to cannibalism; it seemed far off to have to rely on that, but he wasn't sure how long it would take to find a cure to salvage all of this. He had to be prepared to survive the entire ordeal, even if, his nose wrinkled, it meant being with Shizuo._

_Going on a road trip with Heiwajima Shizuo sounded suicidal, but relative to everything else, Izaya supposed it wasn't too bad._

_Frowning, he noticed an aisle he hadn't gone down and immediately veered towards it. The first time, he had been goal oriented; it made sense that he only went to the aisles that would have supplies and food. Frivolities like curtains weren't needed nowadays. Eyes had spotted Shizuo when he stepped back into the store and was surprised to see him at the hardware section of the store. But the more he thought about it, he supposed it wasn't anything too surprising._

Killing with your bare hands must be scarring.

_From his peripheral vision, Izaya saw two dead bodies but ignored them. It wasn't anything too surprising and he was beginning to get used to having to step over corpses. But it was when he saw two braids on one and a gym uniform on the other that he stilled, eyes widening as he looked down properly. He'd admit that a slight ripple of uneasiness disturbed him, but he recovered quickly. He'd seen bodies of people he knew, but not people he actually had a more than superficial and shallow relationship with._

_"…So there you two are," he mumbled, sounding breathless and chest feeling a bit tight._

_Whether or not Orihara Izaya felt anything towards his family was a question only he would be able to answer. And on any normal day, perhaps he'd wave it off, say that his family was just included in the humans he loved; they weren't anything special. Just because they were immediately related didn't give them any sort of privilege._

_But this was an extraordinary situation, one where not only senses were heightened but even nostalgia and memories, all because of a desire for things to go to how they were, before the world went to hell._

_To say that Orihara Izaya loved his family more than his humans was an exaggeration._

_But at this moment to say he felt absolutely nothing when looking at them was also an exaggeration._

_Blinking and regaining his composure, he took a step back and stared for a few moments longer. He quickly retraced his steps and grabbed a plastic package, ripping it open. Taking out the curtain, Izaya bent down and held the fabric in his hands. At least they weren't zombies, Izaya thought; they had been killed by gunshot wounds and Izaya wouldn't be surprised if they were from civilians or the police force, having lost control and were just shooting at random._

_"You two always had the tendency to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, aa…?"_

_Sighing, he stood and shook out the fabric, blanketing it over their bodies. He watched it float down_

_"…You two even died together."_

**april 30, 3:13 p.m.**

"Then you get the thin blankets because you're cold-blooded."

"But Namie-san… surely your incestuous love keeps you ablazeduring cold nights alone?"

He smirked when Namie stiffened, her nails digging into her arms. She said very little when they began driving, but Izaya would drop Seiji's name now and then, just to reaffirm that was why she was still there, why she had almost gotten herself killed.

_"Stupid, really, Namie-san. How do you expect to save your precious brother if you're dead?"_

_"In heels? My, don't tell me… you were hoping to charm him away from Mika? Indeed, Namie-san_ , _heels are truly the way to do so. Never mind the head."_

_"I'm rather surprised we didn't find you hugging one of his shirts…"_

"Ah, that would explain why you need the blankets then. No one left for _you_ to love."

Izaya's eyes narrowed, glaring at Namie. The woman gave a shrug; she had kicked off her heels and changed them in favor of flats she had picked up at some point. Though there were still better shoes, they were much more suitable for running and Izaya could only imagine why she'd bothered to wait this long.

_"Quite the narcissist, hmm?"_

_"I've seen you check your appearance in your many phones multiple times. Don't even start."_

"Considering that I'm the one who saved you, I believe you should sacrifice comfort for my sake."

"Like I _asked_ to be saved by the likes of you."

"My my, that's no way to show any sort of gratitude!"

"I'm not showing gratitude, you moron."

Shizuo sighed, one hand on the steering wheel as he reached towards the radio out of reflex. But a few seconds of static later, he remembered that there'd no longer be any music for him to listen to. He didn't even drive often, but music was what kept him calm (or at least from getting too angry) during traffic jams. He'd found a classical and jazz station that he liked a few weeks ago, was excited to have the chance to listen to it again before remembering the situation. It was just him, an RV, the empty expanse, and Izaya and Namie arguing behind him.

Shizuo and Namie hadn't said much and it wasn't as though he minded. She was slightly unnerving and intimidating; she reminded him of Izaya in a way, except she was less infuriating and more a type of person he wouldn't want to piss off. Izaya had said that she had medical training and that would come in use for if they got hurt. But then he also added she was an awful woman and Shizuo frowned.

_"No wonder she doesn't like you."_

_Izaya smirked._

_"Well, you don't either, right? And look at us now. All chummy-chummy."_

_He scoffed._

_"Tch."_

Shizuo wouldn't disagree with Izaya, but it did take a lot of self-control to not try to hit him out of reflex. A part of him had thought that if they were forced to spend time together, then getting along would happen naturally. He thought that at some point, he'd forget everything that had happened and be able to focus on the present. It would entail Izaya being less Izaya, but maybe, Shizuo thought, it could be possible. After all, Shizuo did save him. And then Izaya did save him.

But Orihara Izaya didn't seem capable of change. He was still selfish and annoying. The only thing that did differ was that they had a single, shared goal and if survival wasn't enough of a reason for them to tolerate each other, then there really was nothing left for them in the world. He was slightly more tolerable, though that could also be attributed to Shizuo putting in more of an effort to restrain himself. But Izaya did talk less; that was probably the most restraint he'd ever tried.

But just seeing Izaya still made Shizuo _really_ want to hit him. That flea stench permeated and Shizuo even opened the window before Namie snapped at him that it was too loud.

"Why are we going straight to Kumamoto?" he heard Namie demand. "Why not stop by Nagoya or Osaka? They're closer and on the way and there could be people there."

"You mean Seiji," Izaya corrected, smirking at her. "Because I listened to the radio before it all happened. Those cities are just as bad, if not worse, than Tokyo. We have more than enough supplies to last us the trip and we're not wasting time to search for your possibly-dead-little-brother and put ourselves at risk. See, Namie-san, this is why _I'm_ the leader."

Namie scoffed.

"You? A leader? You should've left me in the department store."

Izaya gave a cold smile.

"I'm beginning to think the same thing."

Namie's eyes darkened, but she gave a sigh and crossed her arms, looking out the window. She was quiet but even Shizuo, who wasn't looking at her, knew that she wasn't going to let the subject drop that easily. "Does he even know where he's going?"

"I'll be making sure Shizu-chan's following the directions," Izaya murmured and Shizuo felt a vein throb. He was about to yell but kept himself from doing, began counting down from a hundred in his head. He was driving, he reminded himself, so he had to stay focused.

_Focused, focused, focused._

_Damn flea, damn flea, damn flea-!_

…

_Focused, focused, focused._

Izaya was silent for a while as he watched her. Shizuo glanced in the rearview mirror and frowned; as long as he was in the driver's seat, he'd stop by Osaka. Izaya wouldn't be able to stop him. He'd been listening in on the conversation and hearing him pissed him off, but he didn't say anything; it was two against one, after all.

Izaya gave a sigh after several moments and murmured something under his breath. Shizuo found himself getting angry again; Izaya even breathed loudly.

"…Fine. We'll stop by the cities. Because, aah, well, how do I put this… both you and Shizu-chan would be much more infuriating if we didn't attempt to look for your beloved ones, no? Nagoya then Osaka?"

Namie turned to him, frowning suspiciously before looking to Shizuo, secretly slightly confused at the sudden change of heart. _Since when did he care about anyone besides himself?_

"Is he looking for Kasuka?"

"Of course!" Izaya nearly sang. "Unless Shizu-chan has a secret girlfriend he hasn't told anyone about?"

"Fuck off."

"I suppose not…"

Lounging in one of the booths with Namie sitting in the other, Izaya took his phone out and waited for it to turn on. He frowned a bit at the loss of signal and sighed, eyes closing. Whether it was because of their location or because reception had finally given out, Izaya wasn't sure, but the former was much more preferable. _I'll check again in Nagoya… it should be a bit over four hours, mm…_

"Shizu-chan, drive faster."

"Hell no! I'm bein' safe!"

"...Shizu-chan's like an old lady…"

"WHAT DID-?!"

"No one texted you when they were alive," Namie murmured, her soft voice somehow managing to make Shizuo stop mid-yell. "The dead don't have an incentive either."

"Witty, Namie-san," Izaya muttered. "I'm hoping, ah, sorry, _expecting_ a text from Shinra. We're supposed to meet up."

"Oh? And why didn't you? Did he run from you?" she asked scathingly, tone mocking.

Izaya powered off his phone before answering coolly. "The place he was supposed to be was overrun."

She seemed surprised for a moment but nodded, saying nothing for a moment. Arms folded and she looked out the window, fingers drumming against her slender upper arm. "…He's with Celty, right?"

Izaya yawned.

"Probably."

"…I imagine Celty's probably immune to the virus," she started slowly, seeing Izaya turn to her from the corner of her eye. "Considering she isn't human. Shinra's lucky to be with her… her shadows are probably effective as well."

"Are humans immune?"

She raised an eyebrow and turned to look at him. His interest had been piqued and a part of her wanted to lie, but thought against it; she had nothing to gain from lying and his very fragile skewed sort of trust to lose if she did.

"A very select few, yes. I wouldn't count on it."

Izaya hummed and Namie sighed, rolling her eyes at his slight smirk. She regretted telling him; Izaya probably was already deciding he was one of the chosen to be immune to this virus. He was that sort of person, that sort of overbearing, arrogant asshole who would do the annoying thing of saving her life to make her indebted to him. Out of everyone in the city, _of course_ Izaya the parasite managed to survive.

It pissed her off.

"And how would you be able to know?"

Namie turned to him, eyes cold.

"Go get bitten an then we'll see if you're immune or not. If you aren't, you won't develop the fever and the wound will just recover. If you are, I'll shoot you through the head myself."

"See, because you say things like _that_ , Seiji-kun will never be interested in you. Besides from the fact you're his sister."

"At least he wouldn't throw me in front of a truck like _your_ sisters."

"You wouldn't want your brother to be like my sisters," Izaya murmured and stood, waving a hand as he headed over to take the passenger seat next to Shizuo. "They're dead."

" _What_?"

Shizuo nearly braked so hard the vehicle could have flipped over and he saw annoyance flash over Izaya's features. But he ignored any comment about his driving, cutting it off with 'they died? When?' and stared at him. The RV was stopped in the middle of the road; they'd been driving for around two hours and were halfway to Nagoya. Izaya was annoyed; he didn't have much patience for this right now, he thought, and didn't understand why Shizuo didn't feel the same time pressure.

_Probably because he's focused on finding Kasuka._

Izaya straightened, glaring at him tiredly. "Shizu-chan," he sighed. "Nowadays, you don't need to stop when there's a stop light. _Much less_ when there isn't one. Keep driving."

Shizuo's eyes were darting between him and road, the RV kept moving in a sort of squiggle line as he began driving again. It was only a matter of time before Namie walked up to the front and Shizuo heard her snap 'stop' and he immediately did so out of reflex, staring a bit as she pulled him out of the seat and sat down.

"I'm not dying because you can't prioritize driving over emotions."

_…Scary._

Giving a hesitant nod and mumbling an apology, Shizuo scratched his head. Izaya glanced up to see Shizuo glaring at him through the mirror, giving a sigh as he turned and stomped to one of the booths to take a seat. It was silent for several minutes; Namie's driving was calmer, going a little faster than Shizuo had. Izaya began humming but a sharp 'don't' from Namie silenced him; despite his habit of pissing her off, it would most unwise when she was the one driving.

"Go talk to Shizuo," she said plainly. "If he keeps stomping, he'll put a hole through the floor."

"Aah… look at you, playing peacemaker. I don't see you reacting because of what I said like he did."

"It's because I know you better than he does."

"Ah…"

"You didn't have anyone before this. You want to lose one of the two people you have left?"

Giving a small frown at Namie's words, Izaya lingered for a few moments longer before standing, making his way towards Shizuo. He was chewing on a straw and had his arms crossed tightly over his chest, glaring out the window. Taking a seat across from him, Izaya gave an easy smirk.

"What's eating you, Shizu-chan? Hopefully not a zombie… I wouldn't want to kill Shizu-chan _that_ easily."

"What the hell's your problem?"

Izaya already knew what Shizuo was angry about before he came over; Shizuo wasn't very difficult to read in terms of things like that and the vehicle nearly flipping over at his announcement was also a giveaway. He gave a shrug and looked out the slightly cracked open window, felt the wind caressing his bangs. "Ah… I'm not like you, Shizu-chan."

"Don't you care about your family _at all?!"_

The RV jerked to a stop suddenly and Izaya's eyes widened, hands flying out to steady himself against the table. He looked over his shoulder, ready to chastise the woman, but Shizuo was already up, stalking out of the vehicle. Namie watched with a monotonous expression before she crossed her legs and shifted to be more comfortable, taking out a nail file.

"It's like being a babysitter for two now."

Sighing, Izaya stood and his movements were much more graceful as he hopped out after Shizuo, making sure to give Namie a disapproving glare. Shizuo hadn't gotten far. The area wasn't anything particularly special, just looked like something in the middle of nowhere. Namie pulled over because of the yelling going on and he had to admit, it was probably a good spot for Shizuo to throw his tantrum. Izaya saw very little except fields and telephone polls, bent metal signs and a bridge a little further ahead. Hearing grunting, he turned back to Shizuo and watched him lift rock and rock and begin throwing them, vaguely amused but kept it to himself.

Any single one of those rocks, with Shizuo's strength, could probably destroy the RV.

"Does Shizu-chan want to throw any words too, or is that too advanced for his protozoan brain?"

"How the fuck can you _not care_?!" Shizuo yelled and Izaya maintained a fair distance, not wanting to be spit on.

"People are different," he answered.

"They're your _family_! Did you just step over them, like they were garbage?" Shizuo snarled, eyes flashing. "I always thought it was weird when they'd run around and talk about killin' you for Kasuka, but I never thought they were entirely serious! And then you-!"

"It isn't as though _I_ killed them," Izaya corrected coldly, eyes narrowing. He'd been trying _exceptionally_ hard to keep his patience with Shizuo, but he was nearing a limit. He'd never be able to entirely get along with him, he knew, but he figured it was at least worth a shot. But he was so narrow-minded; anything that he didn't agree with seemed to instantly fall into the category of being _bad_. Izaya didn't mind Shizuo thinking he was, but he minded Shizuo throwing a fit over it.

"They were shot to death," Izaya continued, shrugging and looking away. It was silent, like Shizuo expected more, but Izaya had nothing else to say.

"And?! Why didn't you say anything?! Where was this?! Why the fuck didn't you say anything?! We could've buried 'em or something! Or had a service or, fuck, I don't know!"

"I don't have to explain anything I choose to do to _you_ , Shizuo," Izaya murmured, his use of Shizuo's full name surprising the bodyguard enough to hesitate for just a moment. "What I do and why I do it is personal. And I know you don't support that, obviously, but—"

" _At least you have some fuckin' closure! Would it kill you to not take that for granted?!"_

Shizuo's words were loud; his voice had risen and it was silent for a long time afterwards. His voice echoed and Izaya looked up to him, only to be met with a gaze so cold and so full of hatred that it had him scowling, eyes narrowed as he looked away again. An all-new level of hate, it seemed to be, and he half expected Shizuo to hit him. But he didn't; he just turned and kept walking, not wanting to be near him.

The informant stood still and kicked at the ground beneath his feet with a small frown.

_…Ah._

_I hadn't thought of that._

_Shizu-chan's looking for Kasuka… Namie's looking for Seiji._

_I wasn't even looking for them, but I found Mairu and Kururi…_

_Murphy's Law, was it?_

Sighing again, he glanced towards where Shizuo was walking and saw him head further out into the field, eventually just sitting down. Izaya decided to go back and wait in the RV, decided that even Namie's company would be bearable. At least this way he'd be in the RV when she decided to drive off.

She probably wouldn't leave Shizuo behind, but she'd leave him behind without another thought.

"It's surprising for you to let him have the last word," she commented immediately when he came back in and Izaya scoffed.

"Shizu-chan's upset."

"Do you blame him?"

"Are you?"

"Of course."

Her simple confession surprised him; Yagiri Namie was blunt and direct, but she hardly ever gave in so easily to answering his questions in that manner. He turned to look at her, watching her focus intently on her nails, a certain degree of concentration knit between her brows. It could be that she wanted to make sure she didn't file too much but it could also be emotion showing in a more controlled way than Shizuo's method.

"Are you going to lecture me too?" Izaya asked, stretching, even smirking.

"No."

"Oh?"

He was surprised; he tilted his head and watched her blow on her nails, run them against the flesh of her thumb.

"The difference between Shizuo and me," she said quietly, "is that I'm used to how inconsiderate you are of other people."

Izaya stared at her for a moment but gave a small hum, standing and heading towards the back. He'd had enough of her today, he decided; these were two of his least favorite people and dealing with both of them significantly cut down on how long he was willing to tolerate either of them. He laid down on one of the cots and folded his hands behind his head, looking out the window. For him, loyalty to family had never been a top priority, the same way he held little loyalty for most people, the one exception being Shinra. He did things at his own pace, for himself. He considered others only if that factored into his overall master plan.

He had never thought about it, but all three people in this disjoint little group had family and he was on the exact opposite spectrum of the other two.

Namie's love was twisted and incestuous, obsessive and stemming from a childhood of neglect and abandonment. She had dealt with her loneliness by focusing all her feelings onto her little brother, the only one who was always with her, who she had to grow up quickly to take care of.

Shizuo's love was strong and loyal (Izaya thought of it like a dog's.) He, too, had a lonely childhood; he was isolated and feared because of his strength. Kasuka had been the only one (aside from Shinra) who wasn't scared of him. Kasuka had never been scared of him, not even when Shizuo was going to throw a refrigerator at him. Kasuka had been the one to mitigate Shizuo's loneliness.

And Izaya?

His loneliness was self-imposed.

He chose to isolate himself; his loneliness didn't bother him, not the way it did to Shizuo and Namie. He was fine as a kid; he had nothing that made him stand out, that made people fear him or ostracize him. He was fine. He was a model student with straight-A's. He was fine.

And then he met Shinra, who was so detached and fine with that. But then suddenly, Izaya was jealous.

Izaya was lonely, but that was by his own doing. His parents' absence in his childhood didn't affect him the way Namie's did. And his signature personality didn't develop itself until later, so his childhood wasn't like Shizuo's.

Izaya's loneliness was self-imposed. Maybe that was why he never cared much about his sisters, treated them more like experimental test subjects than actual family. He didn't care to form strong bonds, didn't want to, had decided not to. He was jealous of Shinra, who seemed like he didn't need those bonds. Izaya chose to not form those bonds but choosing and not needing were different.

Izaya didn't understand what it felt like, but he did understand it.

_At least you have some fuckin' closure!_

Closing his eyes, Izaya was frowning again. He hated when Shizuo made sense; it really made everything a lot more annoying.

It was irritating that he hadn't realized the effect of his announcement on the other two until Shizuo had to yell it at him. He didn't like not realizing, didn't like that he had to rely on _Shizuo_ to fill him in.

_I hate Shizu-chan._

Sitting up after a bit, he looked out the window again. Maybe two hours had passed and he figured that should be more than enough time for Shizuo to have calmed down. Eyes scanning the area, they found Shizuo walking towards them relatively easily. Blinking, he frowned.

"…Namie?"

"What?"

"You're not afraid of dogs, are you?"

"I deal with you, don't I?"

"Funny."

Standing from the bed, Izaya was out of the RV in just a few seconds, Namie standing on the steps and leaning against the wall, hand on the railing as Shizuo approached them. A relatively large dog was at his side and Izaya was annoyed that Shizuo was looking straight past him.

"I found a dog," Shizuo announced.

"We can see that," Izaya said.

Shizuo said nothing.

The dog stared expectantly, tail wagging.

Namie gave a sigh.

"We can see that," she echoed tiredly and Shizuo nodded.

Izaya nearly twitched. _He's just ignoring me? Shizu-chan is seriously such a child…_

"I want to keep him."

_Exactly like a child._

"No."

_There's Namie's one redeeming quality._

"It'll take care of the cat we have."

"All right."

If money were still of any importance, Izaya would have threatened to empty Namie's entire savings account.

Turning and glaring at Namie as she stepped out to let Shizuo lead the dog on board, she just smirked at him, arms still crossed over her chest. Whether or not she liked dogs, Izaya didn't know, but it was the fact that she had allowed it just to piss _him_ off that irked him.

He should've thought twice about being with two people that both hated him.

"You realize," he said as he started walking towards her, "that you'll have to deal with it too, right?"

"What makes you think I have a problem with dogs?"

Izaya gave a dry laugh, feeling Namie's eyes on him as fingers curled around the railing to help him up.

"I know for a fact that I'm not the only cat person."

**april 30** **, 4:37 p.m.**

"Uh… so what's your name?"

They were on the road again and Izaya was upfront with Namie. Shizuo was on one of the cots and brought the dog up with him, giving a tired half smile to see his tail still wagging, panting happily as he curled up against Shizuo. He had been sitting in the field and staring at nothing, still seething about Izaya when he felt a warm tongue lick his hand.

Shizuo jerked at first; he was prepared for it to be a zombie, but was more than relieved to see a dog sitting, tail wagging. He'd immediately taken a liking to him; Shizuo had always had a soft spot for dogs. A hand reached out but he hesitated and pulled back, eyes lingering on his hand, the same one that had crushed skulls. He didn't feel right about touching a dog with it. But when he stood, the dog's eyes followed. When he took a step to the left, the dog followed. When he took a step to the right, the dog walked closer to him until he was sitting on top of Shizuo's foot.

His tail was wagging the entire time and Shizuo even felt a coaxed smile on his lips.

Shizuo decided that he _really_ liked this dog.

He was probably the first thing to make the man smile. A dog gave him comfort; though he had qualms about being able to protect himself, he felt he could protect a dog and that thought in itself was enough to help him feel a little better. It had taken a few more side steps and the dog following for Shizuo to trust himself enough to pet him. The dog immediately gave a soft bark and leaned into Shizuo's touch. His touch had been gentle and fleeting at first but he soon relaxed; there had been a tension inside of him for the past few weeks, but seeing a dog seemed to make him feel better.

Maybe he was simple minded, but Shizuo didn't mind that as long as he could feel better.

Offering another slight smile, Shizuo watched as the dog gave a small yelp and nuzzled his head against Shizuo's chest. One arm folded under his pillow, sandwiching it between the limb and his head, and the other gently draped over the dog. He immediately gave a small yip and cuddled closer to Shizuo, earning a soft laugh.

The only problem was that Shizuo had never been very good at names. Frowning a bit, he absentmindedly scratched behind his ears. "Aah... wish Kasuka was here… he'd give you a good name."

It took a moment but Shizuo's fingers froze and his expression darkened, swearing quietly as he shifted to bury his face in the pillow. Mentioning Kasuka brought back a flood of negativity that felt stifling; the dog gave a soft whine, licking at Shizuo's jaw.

"How about Hachi?"

Tensing, Shizuo kept very focused on the dog.

"Shizu-chan, Namie's driving. I'm not calling her back here to suggest a _dog name_."

Shizuo frowned and shifted after a moment, one eye looking at Izaya. The raven wasn't holding a particular sort of expression but he did sigh and bend down. Reaching a hand out to pet him, he frowned to be growled at. "…Hachi," Izaya repeated and took his hand back, tongue clicking. "As a name."

This could be Izaya's arrogant way of apologizing; he'd never _lower_ himself to an actual apology and so tried to alleviate the situation by doing Shizuo a favor. It seemed like a very Izaya-like thing to do, Shizuo thought, and he hadn't been expecting an apology anyway.

Staring at the dog quietly, Shizuo nodded, closing his eyes. "…Yeah. Hachi'll do."

Izaya nodded, giving a sigh and standing, eying the dog warily. He returned to his seat by Namie and propped his feet up on the dashboard, eyes folding behind his head. "How far are we?"

"We should be there within two hours," she answered and glanced at him, frowning at his feet but choosing not to comment. "Does the dog not like you?"

"Of course not."

"Excellent."

Izaya ignored the comment. It was unfortunate that he had both Shizuo and Namie, but, on the other hand, there were very few people Izaya would rather have. On one hand, some of the girls from high school would be loyal to him, but they didn't possess the skills that Shizuo and Namie did. One was a bodyguard, the other (hopefully) a paramedic substitute.

"Are you good with first-aid?" he drawled.

"Yes, but I don't like you."

_Probably_ a good paramedic substitute.

Humming softly, volume only increasing when he heard 'shut up' from the woman, Izaya closed his eyes. "So… tell me."

Namie frowned. "Tell you what?"

"What were you doing before us?"

_**april 23** _ _**, 11:37 p.m.** _

Seiji…

Seiji…!

_Ripped pantyhose and dirtied coat, Namie paid no attention to her tarnished appearance. She didn't even think twice about the bag and checkbook she'd left behind at the apartment; the woman ran out as quickly as she could, first thought immediately her younger brother. She narrowly avoided the screaming people, even shoving some out of the way, expression darkening._

_Her slim build made it easy for her to slip between crowds and she picked up a gun from a fallen police officer, checking how many bullets were left, knowing better than to blindly shoot. Truthfully, she had no idea where the hell Seiji would be, but she wasn't going to sit around and let her brother be in harm's way._

_Swearing when she ran into someone and fell, Namie was back on her feet immediately; she didn't even feel the pain and would only later realize that her palms were bleeding, scraped from breaking her fall. She ran to all the places she thought Seiji would be; there could be the off chance that she'd find him, she thought desperately. Everyone was evacuating and she knew where he frequented; she should be able to find him._

_She ran for hours but couldn't find him._

_Eventually collapsing against a wall, Namie's hands were shaking as she grasped her hair, eyes wide and breathing labored; the gun pressed against her ribs, secured by the waistband of her skirt, but she hardly felt it digging against her. Every scenario flickered through her mind: Seiji hurt, Seiji lost, Seiji alone, Seiji injured, Seiji gasping for his last breath, Seiji dying, Seiji coming back, Seiji—_

_-not Seiji._

_She gave a sudden gasp and immediately clapped a hand over her mouth, looking around to make sure a zombie hadn't heard. Minutes passed in silence before Namie could relax again. Swallowing, she counted backwards from ten and her stoic expression had been raised again. She stood slowly and straightened her skirt, made herself look as presentable as possible. Every step still had a slight tremble—she was suddenly acutely aware that she was_ wearing heels _-but it wouldn't be long until even that was gone; she had to remain calm and rational. She had to survive; what use would she be if she were crumpled in a frenzied ball, unable to be there for Seiji when he needed her?_

Seiji…

_She spent the next few days looking for him, thinking he may be hiding somewhere. The woman checked apartments and stores, anywhere that wasn't entirely ravaged or had zombies crawling about. Ikebukuro, a city once so thriving and busy, became empty. The one thing she did for herself was change into more comfortable shoes, at least until her legs no longer ached. With April 23_ _rd_ _passing, she had all the time in the world to do nothing, as one of its lone survivors, but needed to find Seiji. And so she switched to tennis shoes for the time being, kept hold of her heels (they could even be used as weapons) and walked relatively slowly, making sure to also rest._

_Namie had thought there were too many people in the world, but she didn't mean for them to disappear all at once._

_On one of her walks, Namie had seen a body that seemed familiar. Upon further inspection, she realized it was none other than Ryuugamine Mikado. An eyebrow had raised and she stared at him for a few moments before continuing on her way, feeling pleasantly unfazed. As long as it wasn't Seiji, she thought, then it was all right._

_She saw Kida Masaomi and Mikajima Saki together. They had been alive but surrounded by zombies, the two of them on top of a truck. Namie was in no position to help them even if she wanted to; survival was her top priority. How was she supposed to find Seiji if she died?_

_They didn't see her so she just slipped away and avoided going back to that area. With just the two of them and easily fifteen or so zombies, Namie was rather sure of what happened to them. She didn't mind. They weren't her problem, they weren't Seiji._

_She kept herself fed, ended up finding her way back to her apartment and changing into proper clothes, ones that weren't ripped, and bandaged herself up. She took a large bag and brought along a change of clothes among other things before deciding to head to the department store. There had been one she hadn't checked yet and it was large; Seiji could be there. She had switched back to her heels, but knew she needed to find other shoes. The tennis shoes had been discarded because they were covered in blood and guts; she had had to kill a few zombies and it was more annoying than anything. Long hair, she thought, was clearly a nuisance; it took ages to wash everything out._

I need a hair tie.

_Stepping out, Namie kept the gun in her hand, despite the streets being entirely deserted. She'd found more bullets, but knew that she'd have to start using something else; shooting was not only loud but also a waste. She made sure to move briskly, not wanting to loiter; she chose the path with the most shadows, the path with the most garbage, hoping that odor would cover her scent._

_She had seen some of them, even up close. There had been a day, before this all went to hell, that she saw a dead open in the park. Namie had crouched down and observed it, used a stick to move its head. She remembered being slightly repulsed but, more than that, just exasperated. But she decided to read up on it, even contact some people she had known in her time as chief. She had to be educated. She had to also help in the effort to find a cure, just in case Seiji was bit._

_She couldn't let anything happen to Seiji._

_Apparently the leading research was done in Kumamoto. They had been in constant contact with her in the weeks leading up to the day the world went to hell. Namie didn't have a research laboratory, but she did have theories; she went into overdrive, neglected Izaya's work and read over the faxed documents, went to work only to read the medical textbooks Izaya had (for some reason.) She hardly slept; she worked hard to find a cure._

_The day that she received an email saying they seemed to be making progress was the day everything went to hell._

_Wondering how the progress was going, Namie stepped into the store and immediately veered towards the water. Hydration was most important, she thought, stopping only to shove a few granola bars into her bag. Her mind was still occupied thinking about the research when she heard a sudden snarl; Namie's entire body tensed and she turned around just in time to see the zombie lunge towards her, bag falling and being hit away before she could reach for the gun._

_Sheer panic overtook her. She honestly thought she was going to die; she was defenseless, much physically weaker than it, and hadn't seen a living human in days. Her last thoughts had been Seiji, praying that he was safe, screaming despite expecting no one to come…_

_…and then a gunshot._

_From Satan himself._

**april 30** **, 4:51 p.m.**

"None of your concern."

Izaya gave a dry laugh.

"Now now, is that any way to talk to the man who saved your life?"

Namie's eyes narrowed and her hands tightened on the steering wheel, but she said nothing.

If there was one thing she hated, it was being in debt.

_I may as well have made a deal with the devil himself._

_Ah._

_A job contract is a deal, no?_

_Looks like I've already done so._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading! comments and kudos are much appreciated!


	5. heiwajima kasuka

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "i'm going to protect you, kasuka!" he declared. "you're my little brother! so as your big brother, i'm always going to protect you!"

**april 23, 10:21 a.m.**

_"Ruri? Are you ready?"_

_Heiwajima Kasuka found himself in the midst of a zombie apocalypse but he remained relatively calm. It could have been years of training his personality to suppress his emotions, but he hadn't felt an overwhelming sense of urgency to cloud his judgment; he was able to think clearly, but also recognize the immediate danger of the situation and get Ruri out of the city with him. It was convenient but he wondered how long it would last; surely at some point the gravity of the situation would truly reach him and he'd probably start feeling panic._

_"Yeah, just one minute."_

_Straightening and looking around with his car keys in hand, Kasuka gave a slightly contemplative frown. His dark eyes skimmed his room quickly, trying to see if he'd left anything important behind. He heard screams and gunshots outside, shaking his head, giving a slow sigh as he recounted all the news broadcasts about this, how no one had taken it seriously._

Who would've thought this would happen…?

_After a moment, Kasuka strode over the length of the living room and grabbed the frames he saw immediately, taking out pictures and folding them into his wallet. There was one left but he stilled, looking at the one he held in his hand. It was a photograph of him and Shizuo when they were younger, before Shizuo had started dying his hair. They were eating ice cream and Shizuo looked upset that his had fallen, Kasuka staring at his older brother. This was just moments before Shizuo nearly started crying, had Kasuka not given him one of his scoops._

…Niisan.

_He felt panic seize his chest for a moment but exhaled it with his next breath; Shizuo was be fine, he thought. Maybe not as collected as Kasuka was right now, but Shizuo thought fast and he'd be able to figure something out. Shizuo was mature._

_Kasuka frowned._

_Shizuo was…_

…Niisan will be fine.

_Despite his short temper, Shizuo was instinctual and Kasuka knew that would help him survive. That and his strength; as long as Shizuo wasn't too busy being angry, he'd be fine, the younger brother reminded himself. He had half a mind to go find him but knew that it would only put Ruri and him at risk and Shizuo would be mad that. If anything, Shizuo would be searching for him and Kasuka hoped he didn't linger on that hope for too long._

_Pocketing the picture, he reached for a piece of notebook paper and scrawled a few words on it. He started to put it in his wallet but thought against it, closing his eyes._ If I were niisan…

Right. The most easily accessible spot.

_Folding it neatly, he slipped it into his jacket pocket, eyes half lidded. His hand lingered for a moment and he sighed. The note was meant for in case he couldn't say them; it didn't feel right for their last words to be and 'remember to do your laundry' and 'yeah' a week ago on the phone._

Hopefully I get to say those words to him, not have niisan just read them.

_"Ready!"_

_Nodding, Kasuka grabbed the bag he had already packed and forgot to grab the one last remaining photograph, leaving his apartment quickly with Ruri. She had come out of the bedroom holding a bag, movements more frantic than what her expression betrayed. They made their way to his car, hearing zombies moaning and grunting outside, trying to get into the building as he opened the garage door, wasting no time in slamming down on the breaks, running over the zombies. He felt and heard bodies against his car, either forcefully or them trying to claw their way through glass for him. He locked gazes with one, saw how dead its eyes were, how decayed the skin, how torn the clothes, how stringy the hair._

Disgusting…

_He frowned a bit, jerking the wheel to force the car to turn so they could start speeding off. Ruri was silent but he sensed her nerves. A vampire herself, he wondered if she was more or less scared of them; she certainly didn't seem as terrified as some of the people they drove by, but she also didn't seem as collected as he was._

_"Don't worry," he murmured, felt her look at him. He had said plainly that if they found Shizuo, he would travel with them. While he understood her reasons for being scared of him, he said that Shizuo was his big brother and in a time like this, he couldn't even think about not helping him when he could. He'd emphasized 'if'; he knew the chances of finding Shizuo as they were driving out of the city were slim to none, especially in this area because Shizuo didn't frequent it often._

_A hand reached out and rested over hers for a flicker of a moment and she nodded. Kasuka took his hand back and grasped the wheel tightly, keeping his eyes focused instead of wandering to all the chaos._

_"You trust him entirely? You're not scared of him at all?" she asked quietly. She was playing with the hem of her dress, frowning at the chaos everywhere outside of them; she heard the squelching of bodies under the wheels, wondered if they bothered Kasuka. She looked over and was greeted with the same monotonous expression she had, save the small smile at the mention of Shizuo._

_Kasuka nodded, eyes seeming gentle._

_"I'd trust niisan with my life. He's the best person I know."_

**april 30,** **6:34 p.m.**

"I sincerely hope at least one of your siblings is here. That way this stop wouldn't have been a waste."

Scoffing as she followed him out of the RV, Namie ignored Izaya offering her his hand in a mocking fashion to help her down. "It's two against one; you shouldn't be such an ass," she murmured and turned to glare at Shizuo, watching him hold the door open for Hachi. "Why are you bringing the dog?"

Shizuo looked offended.

"I can't just leave Hachi here. What if the zombies attack?"

Namie stared at him but sighed, murmuring 'children' under her breath and began walking. Izaya gave a smirk and his long strides had him catching up quickly, Shizuo and Hachi being entirely fine walking behind them.

"So?" Izaya prompted, hands in his pocket as he looked at her. "Tell me more about the virus."

"What does it matter to you?"

"Well, I'm certainly at risk for dying from it, so I'd say it matters quite a bit."

Namie gave a sigh. They had finally arrived in Nagoya and stopped, mostly to check the city, see if they could find Kasuka or Seiji. Izaya had said that it was a waste of time, but he did give in rather easily; she knew that he could have put up much more of a fight and was slightly suspicious as to why he didn't.

_Because he feels guilty about Shizuo?_

_Impossible._

_He's not capable of thinking of anyone for himself. But I don't see any ulterior motive…_

"They've been doing research. Experimenting with live tissue," she began, stride not slowing in the slightest. "Apparently, the bite will kill you and unless it's an injury to the brain, you'll come back alive as one of them. They've been trying to figure out why and how. Most of it hit a dead-end, but I did receive news they were making progress. However, all communications were cut before they were able to explain what sort of progress. But I have high hopes. If we're able to get to Kumamoto, even if they don't have a cure yet, the research laboratory is one of the best. We'll be safe there—are you even listening?"

It annoyed Namie that she gave in and explained the situation, but it annoyed her more that Izaya was no longer paying attention to her. He had strayed a bit from them and was staring at a telephone, his brow knit. Namie's arms crossed and she tapped her foot while waiting for him to come back, glancing down only when she felt something warm hitting rhythmically to her ankle.

Hachi looked up and gave a joyful bark.

"…"

"I think he likes you," Shizuo offered.

She ignored him and took a step to the left and both of them looked slightly disappointed. Shizuo bent down and scratched behind his ear, mumbling something that Namie could only imagine was reassurance. Izaya returned to them after a few more moments, crumpling a note and putting it in his pocket.

Namie stared at him.

"Well?"

Izaya stared back.

"Well what?"

"What was that?" she asked, gesturing towards the note in his pocket. Izaya hadn't even begun to mouth his denial of anything when she was trying to grab the paper, the man just barely avoiding having it stolen by stepping back gracefully. Hachi immediately barked again, running up to Izaya and head-butting him behind his knees. _What a cheap trick,_ Izaya thought, not able to catch himself from nearly falling backwards, had it not been for Shizuo's hand on his back, shoving him back forwards.

Izaya wasn't naïve and Shizuo wasn't a master pickpocket, so it was pretty obvious what he was doing with his hand in Izaya's pocket. The informant turned to the dog and glared. _Stupid mutt. Just like Shizu-chan._

Glancing over his shoulder and scowling, he watched as Shizuo uncrumpled the piece of notebook paper and frowned. Namie walked over and snatched it from him, leaving the bodyguard blinking in surprise. Her dark eyes scanned the message quickly and she looked at him tiredly, holding it up.

"Shinra," she said monotonously. "He left this for you, told you to meet him in Hiroshima. Were you going tell us too?"

Izaya gave a practiced smile.

"Of course! What could possibly make you think otherwise?"

"Don't fuck around, Izaya!" Shizuo snapped and Hachi barked. "Oi, you said we were partners. This means you share shit like this with us!"

Izaya glared tiredly at the dog and sighed, rubbing his temples. "Fine, fine. I was _going_ to tell you two when we got back to the RV—"

"Or were you going to sneak back yourself and drive it off?" Namie demanded.

Izaya laughed quietly under his breath. "Interesting… what makes you say that? Have you considered it?"

His smirk widened, ignoring Hachi's growling. Shizuo was glowering and Namie regarded him suspiciously; she, Shizuo knew, had every reason to, after spending so much time with him, being close to when he'd execute his plans. Izaya's hands rested in his pockets and he gave a shrug, turning and continuing to walk. "Aah, no need to look so serious! Of _course_ I wasn't! What good would it do me to be without you two? Really, you should have more faith in me!"

He heard them follow after a moment and his smirk lingered. Izaya hadn't been thinking about going off on his own, but he definitely wasn't planning on telling them immediately. He needed a few wildcards, in case things started going south. In a situation like this, Izaya needed as much of an upper hand as he could get. He was still unused to a situation where he had so little control; he'd gotten better at acting as if he were, but that underlying unnerving feeling still remained.

Being less alone helped a little, but it wasn't as though Shizuo and Namie were people Izaya had an easy time manipulating.

And then that dog that hated him.

Izaya vaguely wondered if Shizuo was a dog whisperer.

He'd been pleasantly surprised to find the note so easily; in a city as big as this with as many poles as it had, with so many ways to enter and so many places to park, Shinra chose _this_ spot where Izaya just _happened_ to pass by. _Maybe my luck is turning around… ahh, maybe only good things happen in Nagoya._

Giving a sigh, he rolled his neck, if just to release a few of the tense muscles and looked up at the sky. Clouds were gathering and he frowned slightly.

_Ah… looks like it may rain._

**april 26, 11:43 a.m.**

_"Ruri!"_

_Heiwajima Kasuka's voice was uncharacteristically loud. It was rare for him to yell and even compared to when he'd have to raise his voice in movies, this was nothing like it. There was a tremor, a fear, a panic in his voice right now that couldn't ever be acted, not even by the most talented. It was raw, genuine panic and everything about Kasuka was real; for the man who'd suppressed his emotions, he couldn't control all of them. His calm and collected façade had finally begun to crack and he was feeling panic; the last few days had been taxing, more than he thought they would be._

_Ruri's hand showed above the mob surrounding her for only a moment and he vaguely heard her voice screaming at him to run. Kasuka was by his car; they had almost made it, and that was what made everything so much worse. They were almost in his car, about to drive off, but a zombie had grabbed Kasuka's leg._

_Ruri immediately pulled it off, told him to get in first. Being part-vampire, she had explicitly told him that she was in a much better position to take on the zombies. And he had trusted her._

_He regretted it._

_If it was only one or two, then she was fine; he'd watched her fling them across the city, hardly looking bothered. But even she couldn't handle a huge mob surrounding her; it wasn't a matter of strength, it was a matter of too many at once and no matter how powerful she was, Ruri only had two hands._

_Kasuka wanted to help. He felt helpless just standing there, watching. But he knew that if he ran in, it would be a suicide mission and her sacrifice would've gone to waste. She kept screaming at him to leave, to get out of there, but words soon gave way to shrill screams and sounds of ripped flesh._

_They had stopped in a small town for some supplies, had wondered about spending the night there before they saw zombies. They agreed to just find food and leave and sleep in the car again. They were hoping to find people in Nagoya; it only made sense for a refugee camp of some sort to be set up in a big city, not so much a small village outside Tokyo. But then this happened and Kasuka had never felt panic quite like this in his entire life._

_Heiwajima Kasuka and Hijiribe Ruri, the emotionless man and the quiet woman, the couple who no one could imagine screaming were abusing their throats to the point of soreness and possible voice loss._

_The world is going to hell._

_It took everything he had, but Kasuka got in his car and slammed down on the gas pedal, driving through the few stragglers left, hearing the squelching of body parts and heads beneath his wheels, fingers white from clenching the steering wheel. He tried not to think about Ruri and how he had left her there; the guilt would eat him alive._

_He drove for at least three hours, wanting to get as far away from the village as possible. He was exhausted and it was by chance that he found saw a sign indicating he had reached Nagoya. Following the signs, Kasuka found a quiet, safe place to park._

_At first, he was quiet. Arms folded over the wheel and he leaned forward, forehead resting to them. He took a few deep breaths, hardly remembering the last few hours of driving. He'd been in a daze and gone on autopilot; he was glad there weren't any other cars because it made driving easier. Kasuka couldn't handle any extremely mentally taxing activities at the moment._

_He began to feel his heart rate subside, thought he was feeling better. He'd pushed the memories out of his mind for the duration of the trip, the engine's hum enough to occupy his mind. But now that he was stopped, it was silent. Eyes opened under the premise to find somewhere to go, but he instnatly heard Ruri's screams, the moans, the sound of flesh ripping. Throwing the car door open, he stumbled out and threw up until he felt his knees about to give up, a hand grasping his car to keep him steady._

At least…

_He coughed, retching again, one hand pressed to the car window to steady himself._

At least I still have niisan…

_Heaving, Kasuka swore and held his stomach, eyes squeezed shut. There was a lingering sour taste on his mouth and his throat ached as he coughed, body still shuddering._

Please be alive…

**april 30, 7:12 p.m.**

"You think Kasuka'd be in Nagoya?"

Izaya shrugged, keeping his left hand around the blade and right around the gun, just in case. His eyes were alert as he strolled through the streets. There really was nothing here for him to do after finding that note from Shinra (which was, annoyingly, still in Namie's possession.) But Izaya decided to play along and humor them; he supposed there was no _real_ rush to get to Kumamoto and they'd certainly at least leave before it was completely dark. And travel would be a lot easier with a slightly less annoyed Shizuo and Namie.

It was getting dark; the sun had set a bit ago and Izaya was pleasantly surprised that the streetlights flickered to life. It seemed electricity hadn't cut out and on the off chance they did have to spend the night here, he decided that they could probably find a decent place to stay.

Eyes fell to see bodies scattered about, giving a sigh and shaking his head. He didn't even bother to check if they were human or zombies; dead meant dead to him. He did slow to examine a few that seemed like they had been officers, people who seemed like they may have been carrying a gun.

He rolled one blonde woman over and stilled immediately, eyes widening for a fraction of a second. But before he could decide if he should share his findings, Shizuo was behind him and he heard a sharp gasp.

"Vorona," Izaya said quietly, smoothly. "And Slon."

"Vo… rona…"

As to why they were in Nagoya, Izaya didn't know. Most likely they'd been trying to get out of Ikebukuro like they had but ultimately met their demise here. Izaya didn't care; they didn't seem like they were going to reanimate as zombies, so it was fine. Someone had already put bullets through their heads for them.

Shizuo took a staggered few steps backwards and Hachi immediately ran to be behind him, nudging the back of his legs. Izaya was quiet as he bent down, fingers just barely dancing over their clothes. Their skin was slightly discolored but it was much better than looking like a zombie.

Izaya heard no protests as he went over their bodies, finding two guns but little else. He straightened and waved Namie over, smirking. "Don't look so annoyed, Namie-san. You were the one who came when I called."

"…"

Ignoring her glare, as he was used to them, he handed her one of the guns. She took it and was examining it when Izaya held the other one out to Shizuo.

"It's more efficient," he murmured. "But use it sparingly. The sound attracts them."

Shizuo didn't even seem to recognize that Izaya was speaking to him. Despite the informant being right in front of him, he was staring through him, eyes unable to be torn from the corpses splayed out on the concrete ground, still in the pool of blood from their final injuries. He had seen red elsewhere and nearly threw up upon realizing it was where the zombie had bitten them; _that_ was why they died.

"…Vorona… she's…"

"Shizuo," Izaya murmured, voice hardening. "Take the gun. We don't have time for this."

Shizuo's eyes were still on the two bodies before him. He instantly thought back to the last time he had seen her; they were at work and Vorona had mentioned a new bakery that she wanted to try and Shizuo had told her he'd text her with a date and time soon. He remembered that she had smiled and told him that she'd be waiting for that text.

He never texted her.

"I… I—"

" _Take the gun._ "

Sighing, Izaya stepped forward and grabbed Shizuo's hand. He'd realize only later that that was the first time he had initiated physical contact between them; up to now, their game of cat-and-mouse never culminated in a clear winner because Shizuo could never actually catch him. Shizuo had grabbed him a few days ago, keeping him from killing himself, and now Izaya was taking his hand, shoving a gun into his palm.

There was a time where they knew that if they were physically touching, it meant one of them was going to die.

How odd that their first touches were to save each other's lives.

Glancing over at Namie, she stared back before nodding. She snapped her fingers to get Hachi's attention and wrapped her other hand around Shizou's waist, tugging at him, Hachi following along quietly. "Shizuo, come this way. Hachi, come on."

She managed to lead him away and Izaya lingered behind, his gaze cold on the two. Another two people that he had known were dead and yet he still felt very little. The entire situation felt a bit surreal; he recognized what was happening and saw the death and decay, but he didn't feel the entire gravity of the situation.

Maybe it was denial.

Or maybe he was disconnecting at the right (or wrong?) moment.

Either way, Izaya had a certain impassivity towards everything that made coping much easier. Shizuo reacted to everything; he reacted more strongly to Mairu and Kururi than Izaya ever would have. He even reacted to finding a dog, would probably do the same if they found a living cow.

Shizuo was too emotional.

Izaya felt he was fine, but could be seen as not emotional enough. But, he'd argue, this allowed him to be rational and make the best choices. It was really a win-win situation: higher chances of staying alive and no emotional distress. For the humans he _loved_ , their individual deaths didn't impact him all too much, yet _humanity's_ did. But he'd explained that worry away by remembering that some people were still alive, that humanity wasn't entirely dead.

He still had something to love.

 _Well,_ he thought as he turned to follow where Namie and Shizuo had gone, _I'd rather be like this. It makes things much easier._

"Izaya!"

It was rare for Namie to call out his name without some sort of an insult, and so Izaya picked up his pace, though it was a brisk walk at most. He instinctively pulled out his gun and switched the safety off, swearing quietly under his breath to see a few zombies approaching them.

_Things have been a bit too peaceful lately…_

"You have weapons, right?" Izaya asked, opting instead for his knife. "Save the ammunition."

"Right."

He heard a confirmation from Namie but looked over his shoulder at Shizuo. He seemed to have snapped out of his daze; there was a reanimation in his eyes and his feet were no longer dragging. A ghost of a smirk crinkled his eyes before he was moving towards them, knife in hand.

As emotional as Shizuo was, Izaya would admit that it was rather impressive how quickly he went from being shocked to being ready to fight, considering what he'd seen. He looked focused and even calm, a tranquility that he hadn't seen appear until now. Despite him hating it, there was no denying that Shizuo found _some_ sort of peace in being violent. In particular, _this_ fighting; this wasn't to kill, necessarily, and it wasn't for himself.

Shizuo's hand reached out and in one single squeeze, Izaya watched a zombie's skull be crushed. Arguably, the decayed bones were weaker, but it was still an impressive feat. Blood and brains were on his hands, staining the hem of his shirt, and Izaya had already decided which extra shirt they had Shizuo would get to wear. He watched Ikebukuro's Automatic Fighting Doll move; he was fluid and confident, crushing skulls and throwing bodies over his shoulder. His brow was knit but there was that same focused look on his face; he was getting revenge, Izaya recognized immediately.

_Well, whatever works for Shizu-chan…_

"Izaya, you moron, don't just stand there!"

Izaya made a note to reprimand Namie later.

 _He wants to protect,_ Izaya thought, driving a knife into the skull of the zombie, watching blankly as it stopped moving as it fell to the ground. He wasted no time in attacking the second and third; his knife drove through the eye as he kicked away another one, pulling his blade out first before turning to it. From the corner of his eye, Namie was doing the same; it took her a bit longer to draw the knife back out but she was doing relatively well for herself.

Izaya stole another glance at Shizuo. He had already left several dead bodies in his wake and movements were slowing at all.

He smirked.

_He wants to protect what he still can._

**april 29, 4:51 a.m.**

_The streets were empty and Kasuka was cold._

_Shivering in his car, he sank down in his seat a bit more, arms crossed. He couldn't be bothered to find somewhere proper to stay; he didn't have the motivation or energy anymore. Reuniting with Shizuo was his only reason to not give up. He had tried to sleep and make the time pass a bit more quickly, but every time his eyes closed, he just saw Ruri being swallowed by those zombies, immediately jolting back awake._

Ruri…

 _He had run out of gas when he tried to leave the city and opted to stay here for a few days, cling onto the hope that_ somehow _Shizuo would find him. He spent a few hours trying to find another car but Kasuka didn't have the skills to steal one. The ones that he did have a key for had no gas. It was a rather terrible situation but Kasuka still felt too drained from Ruri's death, too weak from lack of hunger, too exhausted from lack of proper sleep to really care all that much._

Niisan, please be all right…

_Giving a shaky sigh, Kasuka could only wait for exhaustion to overtake him and hope that him passing out wouldn't be interrupted by anything. Looking outside the window, he straightened a bit, eyes widening. There was a department store around the block he hadn't noticed before and more clothes would be useful._

_Getting out of his car, the door slammed shut behind him. His steps were hurried as he made his way to the store, intending on going in and quickly grabbing what he needed and go back to his car. Food too, he thought, he should find something to eat. It would keep him warm. Definitely blankets, maybe matches if he could find any, to start a fire to keep him warm._

_A moan shocked him and he nearly fell over, pain hardly registering. Eyes were wide as he scrambled to get as far away as possible, hands patting his pockets for a knife. But the zombie had the upper hand; it used the few seconds where Kasuka was searching for his weapon to lunge, sinking its teeth into his shoulder without another moment of hesitation._

_Groaning in pain, Kasuka finally found what he was looking and stabbed its head in a single, swift motion, drawing the weapon back out. Blood squirted, droplets landing on his cheek. The zombie gave a grunt and Kasuka was able to shove the body off of him. It was dead but he'd been bit; staggering to the nearest wall and sinking down against it, Kasuka's heart was racing, suddenly feeling a warmth that panic brought._

Adrenaline…?

 _Fear ran rampant in his body; he could hardly keep his mind straight as he tried to process what happened. A hand was holding his shoulder, throbbing with pain, and when he looked at it, saw his blood. Teeth chattered and his fingers couldn't stop trembling,_ oh god, oh god, oh god _running through his mind. Heiwajima Kasuka, who was an actor under the name of Hanejima Yuhei, had absolutely no control over the panic he felt, a foreign feeling for him. He couldn't suppress it or stifle it; he didn't think there'd be a time where he'd be like this, but the world had gone to hell and he couldn't help from being terrified._

I've been bit…

I've been bit, I've…

…

I've… been bit…

_Kasuka had read up on a bit of the virus. There was a fever that killed him, and then he'd be brought back as nothing more than a creature driven purely by instinct. The length of time it took for the virus to kill him and bring him back varied, but, Kasuka realized, it was probably faster on a weaker body._

_He hadn't eaten properly in days and hadn't slept since Ruri died._

This is the end…

_Giving a weak smile, Kasuka shuddered and felt his body begin to heat up, feeling numb. He fell over and started shuddering, feeling more alone and more terrified than ever, but knowing there was absolutely nothing he could do about it. He gave a choked gasp and curled up; it was getting hard to breathe and a hand pressed to his pocket, made sure that he felt the crinkling of the note._

_One last shuddered breath and his eyes closed, body a strange mix of hot and cold before everything went dark, a single thought before that._

I hope I don't attack niisan…

**april 30, 8:13 p.m.**

"…That's Kasuka's car."

Izaya swore but was preoccupied killing the last zombie that they were running from. Pulling the knife out and frowning, he bent down and wiped his blade on the monster's clothes. A good number had shown up, but with the three of them (one being Shizuo,) it wasn't anything they couldn't handle. Namie looked annoyed at her clothes being dirty, but she wasn't all that bad at hand-to-hand combat, Izaya noted.

_As expected of my secretary._

"Aah, so he's here?" Izaya asked, turning to see Shizuo examining a car, running his hands over it. "Well, isn't that wonderful! Would you like to wait here or check the area? Shizu-chan gets to make the decision, congratulations—"

"Izaya."

Namie's voice cut him off and Izaya frowned, following where she was staring, wondering why she seemed shocked. He turned and watched Shizuo do the same and eyes grew wide to see one last zombie approaching them.

Its skin wasn't too decayed yet and it may have even passed for human. There was a single bloody wound on the shoulder, but appearance almost entirely fine, save for a few dirty spots. Izaya took a step back, but it wasn't approaching him. It was walking towards Shizuo, feet dragging and eyes hollow.

The bodyguard was just standing there, gaping, and Izaya had never seen that level of fear and confusion in anyone's eyes. Immediately, he pocketed his knife and took out the gun. The click seemed to jolt Shizuo out of his trance and he immediately called out 'Izaya, _don't_ ' voice shaking. He hesitated but lowered his hands, giving a slow nod and kept his fingers over the trigger.

"Shizu-chan," he called hesitantly. "You'll take care of it, right?"

Shizuo didn't answer.

He heard Hachi yelp and looked over to see Namie bending down, arms around the dog to keep him from running over. She had a strange expression; it wasn't the sort that Izaya could put a name on immediately, but she looked a degree more affected than he was.

What Izaya saw was a zombie that had to be taken care of.

What Namie saw was a zombie that had once been someone special.

What Shizuo saw was his little brother.

"Ka… suka…"

His face had paled the moment he set his eyes on him. At first, Shizuo didn't want to believe that it was Kasuka. He tried to brush off the appearance; the plenty of people had dark hair and a slender frame and all zombies sort of looked alike. It was probably just him overreacting, so desperate to see Kasuka that he even projected his image onto this zombie. But as it got closer, Shizuo couldn't deny it anymore; that was Kasuka.

Or what had become of him.

His throat dried up and he was shaking. The gun was still snug against the small of his back; he'd stuck it in his pants without a second thought to shut Izaya up, preferring not to use it and just a stray pipe or anything that was laying around. But he was frozen as he watched Kasuka advance on him, trembling and feeling breathless. He couldn't use anything on him, whether it be gun or pipe or even his hands.

"K-Kasuka…" he tried again, swallowing and voice rising. "O-oi… oi, Kasuka. It's me… it's me, Shizuo! K-Kasuka!"

It said nothing and kept advancing. Izaya's eyes narrowed and he took a step forward but Namie immediately snapped 'stay' and glared at him. He clicked his tongue at the way she was looking at him, eyes hard and cold and angry, full of disgust at him and he had half a mind to give her that same look right back to wipe it off her face.

"…Don't interfere."

A hand reached out once Kasuka was close enough and held him by his shoulder to keep him at arm's length. Shizuo _knew_ what the zombies were like. He _knew_ that they weren't human anymore, that this wasn't Kasuka. This was just his body and the virus was using it as a host. This wasn't Kasuka and he couldn't hear him, couldn't answer, couldn't do anything except mindlessly try to attack living humans and eat them.

Kasuka was gone.

Kasuka had died.

And yet, Shizuo couldn't bring himself to end his second life, if it could be called that. He couldn't be the one to kill his brother, not after he already failed to protect him a first time.

His skin prickled and he felt a tightness in his chest. He kept looking at Kasuka's face, hoping to find a semblance of his brother. But his eyes were glazed over, his skin even paler than usual, mouth incapable of forming words ever again. The dried blood caked his shirt and Shizuo had the sickening realization that Kasuka was wearing the coat Shizuo had bought him for a birthday one year.

_Kasuka…_

_Fuck…_

"I'm sorry…" he rasped, swallowing, looking desperate, ignoring that Kasuka's fingers were grasping at his shirt, jaw moving mechanically. "Kasuka, I'm… I'm so sorry. I couldn't protect you… damnit, I… I don't know, I… shit… Kasuka… Kasuka, please, I know you're in there, please just… _fuck_ …!"

Swallowing thickly, he stared at the zombie in front of him. It was freezing cold to the touch and Shizuo knew that Kasuka wasn't in there. But his eyes kept searching for a semblance. He didn't even flinch when the zombie's hands came up and grabbed at his face. For a moment, he had managed to disillusion himself and think that those hands were warm. His elbow bent and he relaxed for just one second, murmuring Kasuka's name in a quiet, despondent voice. His knees bent and almost entirely lose his grip on the zombie's body for a moment, nearly falling back.

And then there was blood.

Shizuo's eyes widened immediately; the sound of a gun going off was distant, but it was apparent. The zombie suddenly collapsed, right after Shizuo watched a bullet rip through its brain, splattering blood, feeling drops splashing onto his cheeks. He was frozen as the body fell to the ground, hands still in midair from having been holding its shoulders. His hands were shaking and brain incapable of processing anything, even as he slowly looked down at the crumpled heap.

Still.

Lifeless.

Dead.

Dropping to his knees, he began mumbling Kasuka's name, sounding frenzied. He heard footsteps approaching but didn't bother to look up to know that it was Izaya. Of course it was Izaya, because Namie had a heart. Namie knew to stay away right now. Izaya didn't, because Izaya couldn't empathize.

Hands were trembling as they touched along Kasuka's body, whispers of his name still breathed. Slowly, Shizuo turned him onto his back and his breath hitched, entirely ceasing to breathe for a moment until he forced an exhale. He managed to close Kasuka's eyes with his shaking hands; that way it was easier to pretend he was peaceful and asleep.

"K-Kasuka…"

A crinkling caught his attention and Shizuo became alert, hand slipping into the pocket. He retrieved a note and unfolded it, reading it quickly. And for a moment, it seemed as though his body collapsed. His shoulders rounded and slumped, back hunching. Shizuo's hands were in his lap as he held the note and his head was bowed.

It was like all life had left him. He looked like a hollow shell; his shoulders shook but it very well could have been the wind. He felt like he couldn't breathe properly and eyes were glassy as they stared down at the body, note held tightly in his hands. Death took away something that was more precious than life itself to Shizuo and he had never felt more vulnerable, more exposed, more…

… _alone._

It was entirely silent for a few moments.

Izaya was standing close, watching the scene impassively, mentally thinking that he was a pretty good shot.

Namie was still holding Hachi, brow knitting and face buried in the dog's fur. Izaya looked over and frowned. _I didn't think she'd ever show emotion for anyone besides Seiji…_

Heiwajima Shizuo's despondent cry of his brother's name cut through the heavy air of death-ridden Nagoya, his arms laden with the corpse. He cried and it was a heart-breaking, desperate sort of cry, like every escaped tear took a little bit of himself. Heiwajima Shizuo was the strongest man in Ikebukuro, but he had lost his main pillar.

He was heartbroken, the kind of heartbreak that only family could cause.

Even Orihara Izaya stepped away, understood to give him his privacy without Namie's beckoning. He didn't say anything, didn't even think as he walked back to be by Namie. His hand was still on his gun and if Namie didn't understand that it was for protection, she would have chastised him, asked sarcastically if shooting one bullet wasn't enough.

He was just being prepared to kill any more zombies that passed by. He was still prepared to fight; he rather would've left right away but knew that if he approached Shizuo again, this time he wouldn't have working legs to walk back on. The most he could do was be _prepared_ to leave; it was a nuisance, Izaya thought with a sigh.

 _Really, Shizu-chan's acting like his entire world ended._ Izaya kept his eyes alert; it was dark and the light of the streetlamps was hardly enough to properly see. A slight twinge of jealousy was felt for a moment but Izaya ignored it. After all, why would he be jealous of Shizuo _losing it_ over the death of his little brother?

_Clearly, I need some sleep._

Namie gave a quiet sigh and stood, arms crossing over her stomach and holding herself as she watched Shizuo's shaking body hunched over Kasuka's lifeless one. Hachi curled up by her feet and she bit her lip, taking a moment to breathe a choked gasp.

_Seiji… please… be all right…_

Izaya looked over his shoulder and eyes were half lidded and emotionless as he watched Namie for a moment. He winced for a moment and a hand came up, holding his arm and his expression darkened. But it passed soon enough and looked up at the sky, closing his eyes as he felt rain begin to blanket the city, cutting through the humidity.

_Sorry, Namie-san._

_But had I told you the truth, you wouldn't have come along. And you're proving to be useful._

**september 7, 3:24 p.m.**

_"Kasuka! Kasuka, did they bully you?! I-I'll beat them up!"_

_Five-year-old Kasuka shook his head, little hands grasping the straps of his backpack as he started heading home. Shizuo followed, looking angry. He had heard that a few kids were picking on Kasuka and calling him emotionless at recess, but Kasuka hadn't done anything. It had been one of the girls in the class who had a crush on him who told a teacher to stop him, but that resulted in only more ridicule ensuing for him._

_"It's okay, niisan," Kasuka said plainly. "I don't mind."_

_"How can you not mind?! They're mean! You have to stand up to bullies, Kasuka!"_

_Shizuo was nearly bouncing as he walked back home with his brother, arms flailing and almost tripping several times. Kasuka just walked calmly, keeping his eyes ahead and reaching a hand out to pull Shizuo to the side if he was going to walk into a light pole or person. He only calmed when a puppy passed by, eyes lighting up, but soon returned to being angry once it passed._

_"I'm all right. I'd rather not cause trouble."_

_"I'll cause it!"_

_"No, niisan. I don't want you causing it either."_

_Despite how calm Kasuka was, Shizuo didn't seem pleased with Kasuka's reaction. He hurried, running a little, to be in front of him. Standing with feet shoulder width apart and arms outstretched, Kasuka tilted his head, wondering why his big brother looked like a starfish._

_"I'm going to protect you, Kasuka!" he declared. "You're my little brother! So as your big brother, I'm always going to protect you!"_

_Blinking, Kasuka nodded._

_"Let's buy some milk."_

_Shizuo flushed, arms falling a bit slack._

_"…I-I used up all my lunch money…"_

_"Oh. Okay. I'll treat niisan then."_

_"R-really?!"_

_"Really."_

* * *

_Niisan,_

_If you're reading this, that means I'm dead. I'm sorry if I attacked you._

_You've always been really lonely and scared of your strength. Don't be. You're not scary and you're not alone. You have friends and family. I was never scared of you because there's nothing to be scared of._

_If you're reading this, live for both of us._

_I'm sorry._

_Kasuka_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aah, yes, this is probably my favorite chapter, for some odd reason. thank you for reading, comments and kudos are much appreciated!


	6. and the lottery winner is...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i had been meaning to buy a lottery ticket. i guess this is it, aah?

**may 1, 12:17 a.m.**

They had lost track of how much time they spent there.

Shizuo was just kneeling on the ground, holding Kasuka's limp body in his arms. For what seemed like hours, Shizuo's body was wracked with silent sobs. They'd long died off and he was just very still, holding the cold body close to him, a distant vacant expression on his face. Namie stood a bit away silently, holding herself with her head bowed. She regained control of herself much sooner than Shizuo did; her arms were still across her body, cupping her elbows, but she looked up, eyes focused away from the Heiwajima siblings. Hachi was even quiet; he sensed his owner's sadness and reacted to it. He laid down by the woman's feet, ears flat and tail still, for once.

Izaya was entirely fine. The gun was pocketed, safety on, and he strolled around the area. He had made some little remarks at first but with Namie not reacting to him, he soon grew bored of doing so. There was really very little to do; it was starting to grow cold and Shizuo was in no state of mind to move. Izaya decided to not push his luck by approaching him; on one hand, Shizuo could still be too torn to do anything. But on the other hand, Shizuo had yet another reason to absolutely want to _kill_ Izaya.

Coming back from yet another trip around the block, Izaya finally murmured to the woman that he was going to drive the RV over. He explained that at least the two of them and the dog could have shelter without rushing Shizuo, but she didn't seem to hear him, gave a robotic nod.

Probably after years of dealing with him, she learned how to recognize his voice but not have to listen to it and just nod.

Izaya was calm as he walked away. His shoes clicked against the pavement, heels occasionally scuffing from his fatigue. But once he was decently away, his pace quickened without reaching a running speed. His heart was pounding, the sound nearly deafening, but he kept his expression as neutral as he could. The rising nausea was ignored, pushed away and to be dealt with later. Orihara Izaya had, from a young age, learned to disguise emotion in public, even if there was no one else to see him. Any trace of _feeling_ on his face that was calculated left him feeling vulnerable and unsettled.

He was only all too relieved to see the vehicle. He jogged the last stretch of distance to it and shaking hands fumbled with the key for a bit, unlocking the door. He nearly bounded up the steps and slammed the door shut, finally allowing panic to flicker in his eyes. Izaya made sure to lock the door first and hissed swears under his breath as he searched for the first-aid kit, digging through bags and cupboards. He made a ruckus and left a mess, too anxious to care. The pain in his arm had dulled by now, after hours and the handkerchief he tied onto it, but it had never once slipped his mind. He finally found the small in Namie's bag and was shaking as he sat down in the booth, rolling his sleeve up carefully. The blood stained white piece of cloth was taken off and he was left staring at the exposed injury on his arm.

He'd been bit.

A zombie had crept up on him while he was dealing with two others; the bite wasn't very deep and Izaya had stabbed it before it could rip the flesh off, but it was still a bite, red and swollen. Years of training and running from Shizuo led to a high pain tolerance and in the midst of everything, it seemed Shizuo and Namie hadn't sensed anything. Obviously Hachi didn't; even if he did, it wasn't as if he could tell anyone. The dog had busied himself by biting at pant legs, growling and headbutting the back of zombie knees.

He had used a handkerchief to bandage and stop the bleeding while they were in the city. The reason for the first waltz around the city, as he called it, was for that specific reason. He strolled off because he knew it would be too suspicious to just insist they leave immediately. Even if he told them why, there was the chance that Namie would care but Shizuo surely wouldn't.

And he didn't _want_ them to know.

He found a convenience store and went inside, found a bottle of antiseptic. The entire thing was dumped on his wound and he cleaned it as best he could before wrapping the handkerchief on tightly. He took a total of about ten minutes for the entire ordeal, most of which was spent trying to calm himself. Izaya remembered leaning against the shelf and staring at the ceiling, mind racing. He wondered if the sensitivity was normal, if his heart racing was from infection or stress, or if everything he was focusing on was entirely normal, but he was blowing it out of proportion.

He couldn't go back so he decided to wait it out and once enough time had passed, he made up the excuse to head back.

Izaya's heart was pounding. He used a bottle of cheap vodka they had picked up to clean the wound again, wincing and swearing loudly. At least it was his left arm, he thought as he applied gauze and began bandaging it tightly. He stared at the white and used his other hand to run his fingers over it, swallowing thickly.

He'd been bit.

Taking a moment once he was finished to close his eyes, Izaya leaned forward. His elbows rested on his knees and his hands grasped at his hair; it took everything for him to keep calm, to not _scream_. He was rocking slightly in his seat, feeling his breathing grow labored. He wasn't used to not being able to control his emotions and was still rational enough to know a dent in the RV would be slightly difficult to explain to Namie later. But save the single thought, he could only think of four words set on a loop, replaying in his mind:

He'd been bit.

He'd been bit, he'd been bit, he'd been bit.

He'd been _bit_.

_I was fucking bit._

_I can't die._

_I can't die, I can't die, I can't die—_

_-I can't turn into one of them, I can't turn into one of them, I can't turn into one of them._

The thought of death decaying his porcelain features made Izaya almost keel over. He felt nauseous at the very thought of it, imagining one of them shooting him or just leaving him for dead in that infested city. He couldn't stop shaking; even his teeth were chattering. His heart was racing and his throat was growing dry, but he couldn't steady his breathing enough to take a sip of water. His body was growing warm and he hoped it wasn't infection; his mind was spinning, eyes finding it hard to focus on anything, even the pattern on the floor.

For the first time in a long while, Orihara Izaya was very scared and unable to suppress it all.

He'd held it together until he was alone, but he wasn't sure if he could put his mask up when he returned to them. Shizuo was in shock; he wouldn't even notice if Izaya was walking around with an axe in his head, but Namie was perceptive. She'd pick up on it immediately. _They can't know_ , he thought, finally taking a deep breath and _forced_ himself to calm down, if even only a little bit, enough to swallow and think more than four words.

_They can't know…_

_Shit… shit, what do I do? Shit, shit shit…_

The injured arm straightened, fingers letting go of his hair, and he stared at it again. The white bandages looked like the white flowers that were left on coffins. But he wouldn't even have a coffin, he thought, and he almost laughed at the thought, a hysterical, crazed, hollow laugh. He'd have nothing except zombies eating away at his flesh, turning him into one of them.

Izaya had been feeling like he'd lost control, but this was _more_ than control. This was his _life,_ this was him not being a _monster_.

Orihara Izaya wasn't a brave person. If anything, he was a coward; he was a coward for not facing his own humanity, his own emotions, admit that, above all, he was _incredibly human_ and just like the rest of them. He was terrified of being alone but used a twisted, convoluted way to connect with them and found himself even more isolated. He acted the way he did from a fear of death and loneliness, and those actions brought only more isolation and people wanting him dead.

Orihara Izaya's cowardice was possibly his most well-kept secret by being a very obvious trait.

_I can't die, I don't want to die._

_I got bit, I got bit, I got bit…_

_There has to be some way to fix this. Maybe if I cut my arm off…_

_No, then they'll know. They can't know._

_There's no time for weak links. They wouldn't carry my weight._

His breath stilled.

_Maybe I'm immune._

The sudden thought struck him and his eyes flickered open immediately. A sudden peace washed over him and he suddenly felt his lungs expand, taking a proper breath. He was calm all of a sudden. _Immune… that's right. Namie did say some people were immune._

_Of course. How could I have forgotten that?_

The small voice of reason that reminded him immunity was present in only a small minority was more or less ignored because Orihara Izaya's desperation had him accepting a delusion as a reality if it meant he'd stay alive. Izaya stood and cleaned up the area, put the kit back where it had been, sleeve rolled back down. He even took the time to tidy up what he had made messy. Whether or not he was immune, he wasn't going to let them know. They'd jump to conclusions. They'd kill him, say that it was "for the best."

Izaya wouldn't allow that.

He even found himself smiling a little; everything made sense. Hours had passed and now that he had calmed down, all his symptoms had disappeared: rapid breathing, nausea, lightheadedness, feeling feverish. It was true; he had been upset and attributed all that to something more severe than the simple human reaction of being worried and assuming the worst-case scenario.

_It makes sense._

He nodded and straightened (after all, slouching was bad for his posture) as he pulled his sleeve back down, headed to the front of the car. Considering both that he made up for the time of being anxious by running to the car and that neither Namie nor Shizuo had an accurate grasp on time at the moment, it was all right to take his time driving back.

_I don't have a fever yet,_ he thought. _It's possible. The virus works quickly and if I were infected, I should already be feeling it, even if times vary._

_I had been meaning to buy a lottery ticket. I guess this is it, aah?_

Orihara Izaya had a special skill of believing his own lies.

After all, if he didn't, who would?

Starting the car, he headed back to where Shizuo and Namie were. The bodyguard was still in the same position but Namie looked up at him. Her brow knit as she stepped in and took the passenger seat. Hachi followed her and immediately went to the back to lay down, whimpering softly before falling silently and curling up on a cot.

Namie regarded him warily; a bit more consciousness seemed to have seeped into her expression and she was becoming closer to the normal, chastising, vile woman he always knew instead of a blank shell. On one hand, it was nice. On the other, it meant that she was Namie again, which was never a pleasant thing for Izaya.

"Hey, Namie-san," he said suddenly, casually. "How long does it take for the fever to claim the life of the victim?"

"Sometimes all night," she said and Izaya kept his smile fixed. "Though usually symptoms begin occurring within the first few hours. Average is two."

"I see…"

"Why the questions?"

"Curious! Simply curious!"

From the passenger window, Izaya caught sight of Shizuo. He clicked his tongue and murmured 'Shizu-chan's still out there like that, hm?' His head tilted and felt strands of his hair tickling his chin, lips in a mocking frown. "Idiots don't catch cold, but Namie-san, if you'd like to appease his suffering, and thus indirectly your own, you're more than welcome to give him a blanket!"

Izaya gave a calm smile at the fact she was still looking at him. His heartbeat was back to normal, his arm was only slightly sore. He didn't have a fever and thought he couldn't be absolutely sure, he was rather certain he'd just won the lottery. The best kind of lottery: the genetic one.

Life was good again.

"What's the matter, Namie-san?"

She gave him a hard stare.

"…How can you look so all right?"

**may 2, 8:43 a.m.**

They gave Kasuka a funeral.

Hours had passed before Shizuo even moved a muscle. Namie had walked over; Yagiri Namie wasn't very motherly or soothing of a person, but between her and Orihara Izaya, there was no question about who should be the one to approach Heiwajima Shizuo over his dead brother. Especially when Orihara Izaya had put the bullet through his head.

She approached him quietly and slowly, not wanting to make any sudden movements and scare him. They had taken shifts watching over him; Namie slept first and then Izaya. By the time it was about six, both were up (neither slept very long, especially when the other was around and conscious.) Izaya had said that they would need to get moving and, if not that, Shizuo needed to come back in.

Namie had begrudgingly agreed and after a makeshift breakfast, she was the one sent out to tell him.

"Shizuo," Namie said quietly. "…Should we bury him?"

Shizuo's skin was deathly pale. Had it been anyone else, the cold would have induced hypothermia but this was Shizuo; his clothes had a bit of chill but his body seemed fine. It was several minutes before he responded with a slow nod. Standing stiffly, Namie helped him gently wrap Kasuka's body in a spare bed sheet she brought with her. Shizuo carried his body to the vehicle and Izaya was still facing forward, not even bothering to try to establish eye contact, knew better and even refrained from humming, if only to save his own skin.

If Shizuo didn't hate Izaya entirely before, he most certainly did now.

"Where?" Izaya asked plainly, key in the ignition again.

Silence.

"Where?" Namie repeated with a sigh, Shizuo taking the body towards the back of the vehicle. It was back to the silent treatment, but this time it was understandable and not just Shizuo being childish.

"Somewhere you can fish."

Izaya gave a slow sigh, hands tightening on the wheel as he began driving, having a general idea of where to go. Shizuo was angry, he knew, but he didn't regret his choice and definitely wasn't going to offer an apology when he did nothing wrong. He saved Shizuo's life, something he never thought he'd do. They had to keep moving; staying stationary was suicidal.

Izaya didn't have time for Shizuo's immaturity right now.

If he didn't talk to him, fine. Izaya wasn't bothered by it; if anything, it would be a relief. Namie would communicate for them. Izaya didn't need Shizuo to like him or tolerate him; as long as he moved, then it was fine. As long as he didn't do anything stupid _like basically let himself be turned,_ then it would be fine. As long as he continued to be able to save himself and Izaya (because of a partnership he probably regretted agreeing to,) then it would be fine.

Izaya parked by a riverbank after a while and didn't move, just stared out the dashboard. He heard clamoring and Namie was still as well; Shizuo said nothing as he carried the body outside, taking a shovel with him. Both of them just stared ahead while the heard the door opening, felt and smelled the fresh air that only the countryside could provide.

"Aren't you going to help?" Izaya asked mockingly.

"Why would I?" came the drawling answer.

Izaya smirked.

_That's the Namie I know._

Sighing, Izaya rested his chin in his palm and watched Shizuo dig a hole through the side mirror. With his strength, the digging was quick. Shizuo moved robotically and without hesitation as the pile of dirt grew. He hoisted himself out once it was deep enough and lowered the body in, stilling as he stared for a moment. Red eyes narrowed as he caught sight of Shizuo's fists clenching, but they relaxed soon and he was filling in the hole, patting the dirt down.

Shizuo could be relatively efficient sometimes, he noticed dryly. He'd expected more emotion, probably some tears, maybe yelling. But it seemed that he was exhausted; Shizuo hadn't slept last night at all, shown in his bloodshot eyes and bags under them.

Once the grave was filled, Shizuo left the shovel and walked a bit further up the riverbank. Izaya hummed, wondered about where he was going. But before he could find the urge to care enough to tell Namie, Shizuo returned with flowers and knelt, arranging them carefully on the grave. He even found a rock to hold them down and then sat next to them. The note was taken from his pocket and he stared at it, giving a sigh that wracked his whole body.

Izaya scoffed.

"What a waste of time."

"Not everyone is as heartless as you are," Namie murmured and Izaya looked over to see her reading a book.

"Wouldn't it be easier if they were?" he teased.

She looked up.

"I'd rather die before becoming like you."

"How cold…"

"Shizuo lost his brother," Namie continued in a murmur and turned the page, feeling Izaya still looking at her. "He lost a human, but he hasn't lost his humanity."

Blinking and staring, Izaya broke out in a peal of hollow laughter that she'd heard before, always making her frown tiredly. He laughed with his shoulders shaking, one arm across his stomach, holding himself, while the other rested on the wheel. His forehead touched to his arm, coincidentally the arm that had been _bit_. The injury pressed to the wheel but he hardly reacted to the soreness; if anything, it just made him laugh harder because here he was, healthy, wound healing, feeling nothing out of the ordinary.

Life was _excellent_.

"Namie-san, you say that like it's a _bad_ thing!"

She ignored him, she was used to it, and crossed her legs.

"Sometimes bravery is admitting you're still human. That, despite everything, despite what you believe and what you want, you're still only just human. Only cowards pretend otherwise."

**may 2, 11:48 a.m.**

Hours passed before Shizuo climbed back into the RV and slammed the door shut behind him. Neither of the two glanced up or said a word; he just went back to the cots and sat down, hardly reacting when Hachi tentatively licked his hand. His eyes were red from crying and sleep deprivation and he could hardly lift his feet properly as he walked. Shizuo managed to kick his shoes off before he laid down, letting a hand hang off the cot for Hachi to lick.

Kasuka had died and Shizuo wasn't there to be with him.

Kasuka had died and Shizuo was there to watch it happen.

Kasuka had died and Shizuo dug and buried his own little brother.

He stared at the ceiling of the RV, feeling the familiar hum and bumps in the road when Izaya began driving again. It was silent, save the occasional murmurs and sound of a page flipping, but it felt deafening to Shizuo. It was like the silence was closing in on him and suffocating him. It was humid. It was loud. The white noise was so loud that he let out a sudden yelp and hands held his head, like he was in pain-

-and then it passed.

He was breathing heavily and still staring at the ceiling, wondering if it had been his imagination. His heart was racing and he was still, very still, as he tried to process it, assess how likely it was that it had actually happened. No one reacted to it; maybe he'd imagined it? But he was with Izaya and Namie. It would be more odd if they _did_ react to it.

Kasuka had died and Shizuo held him in his arms.

Giving a shaky breath, Shizuo tried to swallow thickly but almost choked; his throat felt dry and he stood, making his way to the kitchen area with hands steadying himself against anything they could grasp. Hachi followed him withs oft whimpers but he hardly noticed; he grabbed a water bottle, shaking hands eventually twisting off the cap. But when he lifted it to his lips, he felt a sudden spasm in his hand and the bottle fell, Hachi narrowly ducking to avoid it. Shizuo didn't even flinch; he just stared at the water on the ground and went back to his bed, forgetting his thirst.

Namie and Izaya didn't even turn around to look at him, not even with the water bottle falling and Hachi's yelp.

Shizuo had never felt more alone.

Until Vorona, he hadn't seen someone he was close to die. Seeing her body made his blood run cold and it felt all very real, that people he cared about were dying, that he could die. He'd seen bodies but lacked the connection to them that made it feel real; seeing all of the corpses at once seemed to have _normalized_ what was happening. Shizuo knew they were dead but the magnitude of what had happened didn't quite reach him until he saw Vorona, someone he had been close to. He was still shaken from seeing her when he saw Kasuka, and that was when he felt everything shut down.

He felt like he had lost his mind for a little and had a vague memory of what he was doing. He remembered telling Izaya not to shoot. He remembered trying to talk to Kasuka. He remembered very clearly that he sincerely believed he could _talk to Kasuka_ and bring him back. He saw the blue and purple skin, the empty eyes, and he saw the way he walked, heard the way he groaned. He saw and he heard and he knew it was too late, but his first instinct was to talk to him.

He saw a zombie but he saw his little brother more.

He thought he was getting through to him; maybe it was desperation, but he genuinely thought it was working. The zombie getting closer suddenly wasn't because it was trying to eat him; it was his little brother trying to give him a hug. Shizuo had deluded himself into believing that, let his elbow bent, allowed the zombie to come closer because it had been Kasuka he was looking at.

But there was a sudden gunshot and blood splatter. The bullet tore through him and the body immediately crumpled into a heap.

It wasn't really Kasuka dying. It was a zombie dying.

But it was his little brother's body and face and Shizuo watched the blood spill.

Shizuo remembered yelling at Izaya about how he was lucky he had closure. It felt like it was ages ago, but he remembered yelling at him, legitimately feeling jealousy well up in his body because Izaya _knew_ about his sisters, he had _confirmed_ where they were. Shizuo had been so, so jealous of that, had believed Izaya achieved what he wanted without even batting an eyelash, without even really trying.

Shizuo had closure now, too, and it made him want to die.

There had been a small hope when he didn't know. When he didn't know, he could think that Kasuka was still alive and still searching for him. He had yelled at Izaya for closure and now had it himself; but now, he realized, he would give anything to go back to when he believed Kasuka was alive and human. Hope killed but the lack of hope could do the same.

Apparently, everything killed.

Knowing Kasuka was out there had always been a constant reassurance for Shizuo. It didn't matter if they didn't see each other very often; knowing that Kasuka was alive and existed meant there was someone who wasn't scared of him and who never would be. Kasuka had been the only constant in Shizuo's life; everyone else either grew to not be scared of him or grew to be terrified.

Kasuka had never been terrified and he never would be terrified.

Knowing someone like that existed reassured him.

But he was dead and that person was no longer there, dead because the _guy who he hated more than anyone in the world_ had shot him after Shizuo explicitly told him not to.

Orihara Izaya, the one who purposely provoked him for what seemed like his own amusement, had him ruining the city and hurting people.

Orihara Izaya, the one who had him fired and wouldn't just let him live a peaceful life.

Orihara Izaya, the one who had caused countless of unspeakable, awful things to happen to people Shizuo cared about.

_Orihara Izaya, the one who had put a bullet in Kasuka's brain._

He didn't even realize he was grasping his hair until a few strands came out. Swinging his legs over the side of the cot, Shizuo stood immediately, ignoring Hachi's questioning yip. Hands clenched, his nails biting into the flesh of his palm he began striding towards the front of the vehicle, his eyes focused intently on Izaya, only one word repeating in his mind:

_Kill kill kill._

_Kill kill kill kill._

_**Kill.** _

The vehicle suddenly jerked to a stop, right before Shizuo was about to bring his hand down and grab the man by the shoulder. Shizuo was the only one standing and he just barely managed to catch himself, keeping from breaking his nose on the dashboard. His fingers left dents in the plastic, heard a crack, felt Namie turn to look at him, kept safely in her seat because of the seatbelt. The other one clicked, but Shizuo didn't have time to turn to look at the driver. He swore loudly when he felt someone stepping on his back and was out of the RV, chasing Izaya in less than a second, yelling his name.

_Kill kill kill._

_Kill that bastard, kill that fuckin' bastard, kill that piece of shit asshole!_

_I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU!_

"I—ZA—YA-!"

Truth to be told, Heiwajima Shizuo had done an incredibly good job of _not_ killing Orihara Izaya yet. They had been in close quarters for days and he had every opportunity. He even saved him from ending his own life. Though, to be entirely fair, Izaya _did_ seem a tad bit less annoying. His presence still irritated Shizuo but there was definitely a conscious effort on his part to be more tolerable.

Despite that, Heiwajima Shizuo had stillshown incredible self-constraint. He'd reminded himself that he and Izaya were now _partners_ so he had to deal with him; they had made an agreement. That this was about survival and he could handle Izaya if it was for survival. He ignored the snide comments, the moments where Izaya's personality shone through. Izaya was still Izaya, a selfish human being whose presence itself was enough for Shizuo to uproot a building. Izaya was Izaya, even if he was a partner, _even if_ Shizuo had gone to great lengths to not kill him.

There had been times where Shizuo thought they could actually get along. They'd gone days without fighting, so the idea of continuing the peace seemed possible.

But Orihara Izaya killed his little brother and there was no way he'd forgive that.

He was furious. Izaya had pissed him off before, but it was never like this. He watched him take a life, take _Kasuka's_ life, right in front of him, without even hesitating. It seemed like Izaya constantly found a new low to reach and right now, Shizuo felt, he'd hit _absolute rock bottom._

" _I'm going to fucking kill you!"_

Shizuo didn't care anymore. He didn't care about their supposed agreement and surviving was the last thing on his mind. If it meant he had to survive with Izaya, then he didn't want to at all. It was all a huge mistake; he wished he could go back in time to when Izaya's gun was to his own head and just not bother stopping Izaya from blowing his brains out.

Better his than Kasuka's.

The chase led them to a bit up the highway and Shizuo was pissed that there were a bunch of empty cars, seemingly the result of a traffic jam that left people as sitting ducks for the zombies. Izaya was faster than Shizuo was and the blond quickly lost sight of him. He yelled his name and was flipping cars over as he tried to find him, still furious beyond hell. Anger was muddling his mind and he couldn't focus on anything except Izaya and wanting to kill him, squeeze his throat with his own hands, watch him die, crack his neck himself.

"Izaya!" he roared, kicking a car and hardly noticing the dent or that it moved up and crashed into the one in front of it. "Izaya, get your fuckin' ass out here so I can rip you apart!"

Silence.

Looking around, blond strands of hair whipped at his cheeks. He was acutely aware of his own breathing and heart beating, felt adrenaline pumping through his veins. His limbs, the ones that had felt sluggish, just a bit earlier were now moving almost more quickly than he could think. He felt alive with the will to kill. And it wasn't killing to save himself; it was killing another human being, not a zombie, because Izaya took the life of Kasuka and so Shizuo would take his.

He growled and moved to jump on top of a car, thinking the added height would make it easier to find Izaya. But he lost his footing, sole of his shoe slipping on something wet; eyes wide, he felt himself fall backwards, hands grabbing at anything, resulting only in causing a bunch of supply crates from a truck to fall on him. Shizuo swore and struggled as he tried to free himself, body twisting every which way. But with his arms immobilized, he could do very little.

"Aah… easier than expected."

Izaya sighed and came out from behind a car right behind the one Shizuo had slipped from, holding a bottle of water about half empty. Shizuo's eyes went to the roof and saw that there was glistening liquid and he felt fury well up in him again. Immediately, he began struggling against the crates, blood welling up in his fists from nails penetrating skin.

_Fucking bastard!_

_"IZAYA, I'M GOING TO-!"_

"Shizuo."

Shizuo had no explanation for why he actually fell silent when Izaya said his name. Maybe it was because he didn't use his nickname. Or maybe it was because Izaya was gazing at him so coldly. Or maybe it was because his voice was low and serious, missing the usual mocking tone.

Either way, Shizuo was silent and he just glared.

"I saved your life," Izaya said flatly. "And what I killed wasn't Kasuka. It was a zombie. Kasuka is _dead_ , Shizuo. And you were too emotional to realize that and take care of him, so I had to step in. You were about to let him bite you."

"You had _no fucking right_ -!" Shizuo began snarling, cut off by the other's voice.

"I did. Because you're my partner and the way you need to watch my back, I watched yours."

" _Partners_?!" he spat, echoing the word. "Fuckin' _partners_?! I told you not to kill him, he-!"

"It."

" _He_ -!"

"It."

" _HE-!"_

"It."

Izaya's voice was so quiet that Shizuo shouldn't even have been able to hear it cut him off, but he still did. It was infuriating him; Izaya looked so calm and he was looking down on him as he kept interrupting him, fixing his pronoun usage. His expression was cold and distant but, at the same time, piercing and unsettling. He hadn't moved at all from his crouching position, just stared at Shizuo. Finally falling entirely silent, Shizuo glowered for a moment longer before he turned away, not wanting to look at Izaya anymore.

"That wasn't Kasuka," he heard, ignoring Shizuo mumbling a 'shut up' under his breath. "It was his body, but our bodies aren't what make us who we are. Our minds do. And that was just Kasuka's body, but his mind wasn't there. That was a zombie."

Shizuo's hands clenched and he kept mumbling 'shut up' until he was yelling it, trying to give a firm kick. His foot managed to connect with the wheel of the car, but it hardly moved, the crates still mostly immobilizing him. Shizuo felt hot tears pressing to the back of his eyes and swallowed thickly. Breathing felt a little harder and Shizuo continued struggling, hoping to get free and grab Izaya's neck and crush his throat. He was mumbling and swearing as he tried to move the boxes off of him.

But he couldn't, and he was growing frustrated. The one time he needed his strength, it had failed him; he couldn't understand why he felt so weak and powerless, when these crates weighed far less than the car he had thrown. His answer came when all his muscles suddenly fell limp and he just lied there, knowing Izaya was still perching on the car and watching him.

The adrenaline that had made him feel like a superhero was dissipating quickly, leaving him just a normal twenty-five-year-old man, trapped under some crates, having just lost his brother. Just a normal twenty-five-year-old, traveling with two other twenty-five-year-olds. Nothing extraordinary and nothing special, just someone who needed to grieve for the loss of family.

Even though Izaya was still there, Shizuo suddenly felt too drained to kill him anymore. All he wanted to do was lay there and disappear.

_Disappear… that'd be nice._

_Ah…_

_I can't… not yet._

_Because Kasuka…_

And then he felt a hot tear sliding from the corner of his eye and over the bridge of his nose.

Izaya was right, he realized with a hollowing ache in the pit of his stomach.

That wasn't Kasuka. That thing he was talking to was a zombie; he'd been too emotional to properly assess the situation and do what he needed. Izaya was right. He did the right thing. He didn't kill Kasuka. He killed a zombie. He saved Shizuo's life.

Kasuka had died and Shizuo didn't get to say goodbye.

Kasuka did. Kasuka had left a note and that was his farewell, but Shizuo didn't have the chance.

"Kasuka…"

He heard a sigh and felt a few of the boxes begin moving. Izaya had hopped off and was beginning to free him, lifting one crate a time, tossing it to the side. He did so silently, until Shizuo was just lying there with nothing keeping him down. He hadn't moved a single limb, even when it was entirely free. He just laid there, felt asphalt digging into his scalp, tugging at his hair with the slightest movement.

"Get up, Shizuo."

He didn't move. Not at first.

"Would Kasuka want you to just give up?"

_If you're reading this, live for both of us._

Shizuo was still immobile for several seconds, but he eventually sighed, a deep exhale that he wished could rid his body of misery. He sat up slowly. First, elbows on the ground to support himself. Then palms when he was sitting up. Then legs, as if to make sure he was still working properly. He stood and dusted himself off, avoided looking at Izaya, keeping his eyes down.

"Survive for Kasuka," Izaya said quietly. "He'd want that for you. You can grieve, but you need to be alive to do that, Shizuo. The world's not going to stop because you're miserable. Be miserable but don't die."

"…Yeah," Shizuo mumbled and began to walk, his feet dragging against the ground and knowing Izaya was following him. "…I know."

When they reached the RV, Namie glanced at them; she had taken the driver's seat and waited until Shizuo was in the cot to rev up the engine and begin driving. The book she was reading was stowed away and she put the seatbelt on—Shizuo wondered if that was because of him—and waited for Izaya to do the same before turning to him.

"Is everything all right now?"

Izaya nodded.

"Yeah."

Shizuo was still and he stared out of the window. Hachi nudged his elbow and for the first time since Kasuka's death, Shizuo cracked a small smile upon turning to him. The dog immediately gave a happy bark and hopped onto the bed, resting his head in Shizuo's lap, tail wagging as he absentmindedly scratched behind his ears, the two watching the countryside pass by.

Kasuka was dead, but that didn't mean Shizuo had no reason to live.

Being alive was reason enough.

"Sorry about that," he murmured quietly, bowing to press a kiss to the top of Hachi's head.

"…I'll be all right."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> midterms are over yay yay yay. thank you for reading, kudos and comments are appreciated!


	7. not just anyone to you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> whether or not you like it, shizuo's definitely not just anyone to you.

**may 2, 7:36 a.m.**

Being as early as seven thirty in the morning, Izaya didn't expect Shizuo to be up. Though there was no immediate reason to, he had continued to keep track of the date and days of the week, so time was also a given. They couldn't be late anymore, nor early, but still knowing was comforting. Just because civilization had ended didn't mean it was gone.

Shizuo's voice was the first among the three to sound in hours. Namie and Izaya, though both awake, spoke little (when Izaya wasn't annoying then Namie wasn't annoyed) and Shizuo had been asleep, his quiet snoring heard all the way from the back, even over the engine. Namie had driven for a while before Izaya took over; she'd napped for maybe an hour or two at most before waking up.

_"Namie-san, I won't crash the vehicle…"_

_"I can't sleep when it's moving."_

_"You must be great fun on planes."_

"Stop."

Izaya was slightly surprised, but didn't let it show. Shizuo's voice was gruff, still laden with sleep and fatigue when he spoke, his fingers curled on the back of the driver's seat.

"No."

"I said _stop_."

"We already have one stray dog, Shizu-chan," Izaya drawled.

"I said fuckin' _stop_!"

Neither of them jolted, but the sound of Shizuo's fist coming down on the dashboard was loud enough for both Izaya and Namie to give a sigh. Izaya pulled over smoothly, giving a click of his tongue and mumbled a 'how rude' that Shizuo didn't seem to catch. He kept his foot on the brake pedal, making no other move, until Namie snapped at him to turn the engine off and save gas. Giving a mock pout, Izaya eventually turned the key and pulled it out; the silenced engine allowed for a new atmosphere of silence to pervade their surroundings, save the sound of Shizuo jiggling the door handle and swearing at it. Namie casually unlocked it from her seat after listening to him struggle for a bit, hearing the door slam against the side of the RV from the force of Shizuo throwing it open.

"What is it, Shizu-chan?" Izaya called dryly. "Or are you just hanging your head out like Hachi would? At least Shizu-chan has the sense for the vehicle to stop though…"

Silence, save the creaking of the hinge. It was odd for Shizuo to not react to Izaya's taunts, but it wasn't necessarily a _bad_ thing for a confrontation to be avoided. Another moment passed before the two in the vehicle heard gravel crunching under footsteps, assuming Shizuo had gotten out. Namie used the side mirror to watch Shizuo walk towards the reason they had stopped, one hand up in a wave. Hachi gave a little yip from the back of the RV and she sighed, looking away and shaking her head with a quiet murmur.

"What was that, Namie-san?"

"Shut up, Izaya."

Namie glanced in the mirror, watching two figures jogging to meet up with Shizuo. One was familiar when he came into view and the other wasn't, though she wasn't too worried. Kadota was a good person and if the other one wasn't, there was always Shizuo who could take care of them.

She had really only her gut instinct to rely on. Izaya couldn't be trusted and Shizuo, to some degree, could (although that didn't mean she _would_.) And her gut told her that these two wouldn't be what would screw them over.

More than likely, that would be Izaya.

But the idea of two more people annoyed her. Izaya seemed to have seen them too; he was smirking, murmuring things under his breath that Namie didn't care enough about to decipher. Her fingers drummed along the car door and she frowned, brows knit, giving a quiet huff.

"For a world where humanity is doomed, there sure are a lot of humans left."

**april 23, 12:19 p.m.**

_"Get down!"_

_Following the command, Kadota bowed quickly, knees bent to further lower his body and steady himself. He felt a brief, but heavy, force on his back and straightened once it was relieved. Pipe swinging just in time to smash another zombie's head in, he looked up to see Chikage in the air, having used Kadota's back as a stepping point. Several of the zombies were taken down at once with his kabutowari and Kadota raised an arm to keep blood from splattering directly on his face, even fixing his hat a bit._

_The other gave a smirk._

_"Sorry about that."_

_Kadota shook his head._

_"Don't sweat it."_

_Wiping a bit of blood that had gotten on his sleeve, he fell into a natural defensive stance as a second wave of zombies began approaching them. Taking a step back slowly, he felt Chikage's back touch to his briefly; it was the first comforting physical contact ever since he couldn't find Walker and the others (Chikage's foot on his back didn't really count.) He'd never realized how lonely it was to lack human contact until he was entirely alone; it made him think back to when the city was busy and when people kept bumping into him, how he'd been annoyed, but taken it for granted that he wasn't alone._

_The idea of isolation was almost more terrifying than of being eaten alive._

_Kadota had been trying to find his friends after they got separated during the initial wave of frenzy, checking a lot they used to hang out in, when he heard the familiar and haunting groans of the undead. He picked up a steel pipe that was lying around the barren lot and used it to attack the zombies stumbling toward him, wishing he had something much sharper as he continued to swing it, tried to minimize the time momentum took away from him._

_The squelching sounds mixed with the cracking of bone hardly phased him; because of decay, the zombies' skulls were softer than normal, which was good for him considering his current weapon. But there were still a lot of them and Kadota was only one person; he could tell things would go south soon, as he wasn't even originally at full stamina. With every swing and every pull, Kadota's arms were quickly feeling the fatigue, panting heavily and heart slamming against his ribs. His muscles ached and his fingers had to constantly be flexed as he looked around the never-ending mob, wondering if this was going to be his end. He took a step back, intending for the stance to give him momentum, but he instead stumbled and found himself falling, giving a grunt of pain._

_Instinctively, his eyes closed. He could hear the dragged feet of zombies approaching him, encircling him, trapping him. An arm was held up in defense although before he could even feel anything, he just heard a loud yell followed by weak groans and the unmistakable stench of spilled, rotten guts._

_Opening his eyes when even through closed eyes it seemed lighter, Kadota stared at the man in a red shirt and black coat standing amongst the spread out bodies. He gave a smirk, rested his kabuwatori on his shoulder. "Hey, Kadota. Taking a break?"_

_Kadota had stared at him, giving a smirk before taking Chikage's offered hand and hoisting himself up. "Of course not."_

_And that was the story of how Chikage had saved him._

_"How many more?"_

_Looking around, Kadota gave a low whistle. After Chikage appeared, it seemed a whole new wave of adrenaline rushed through Kadota's body. He felt livelier and more hopeful, finding new strength to keep fighting. The mob that had once seemed invincible was slowly disappearing one by one and, in a way, it was almost_ fun _._

_"Just those three…" Kadota said, nodding towards the few that were slowly walking towards them from the entrance of the lot. He turned to Chikage with a smirk. I'll take two, you take one?"_

_Humming, Chikage straightened, one hand on his hip. "Haa? I'm not weak, you know."_

_"Fine fine… we'll share the last one. Deal?"_

_"Sounds good."_

_Dust swirled in the air; their respective undead were taken down with little difficulty. Chikage's blade cut the skull horizontally as Kadota's pipe was brought down vertically, turning away to avoid blood and guts splatter. Hearing the body fall to the ground with a thud, Kadota's hands were on his knees to catch his breath before bending down to pick up his pipe and straighten again._

_Upon turning around, he watched the last and final zombie crumple to the ground, Chikage leaning down and wiping both slides of his blade on its shirt before it was sheathed again and he returned it to its hidden place in his shirt. Kadota gave a wry, tired half smile as he cleaned his pipe the same way, deciding to hold onto it for the time being. "Hey, thought we were splitting that one."_

_"Mm…"_

_Chikage looked up, gave a dry smile that Kadota had seen on another person, but couldn't place it for a time being._

_"Sorry. I've got a grudge against these guys. They took away important people to me."_

_Kadota blinked and nodded with a slight frown. He could only imagine that most people felt the same. "Ah. Sorry to hear that."_

_"It's all right. Can't do anything about it now."_

_Kadota gave another slow nod. He gave a sigh and looked up to the sky, surprised that it wasn't red, considering the world had gone to hell. Chikage had been the first person he'd seen in a while; maybe it was because he was in a lesser populated area of the city, but he hadn't seen anyone else, only their corpses, only the undead versions of them._

_He was beginning to think that the unthinkable had happened to Erika, Togusa, and Walker, but he didn't want to admit it._

_"What do you say we stick together for the time being?" he asked, turning back to Chikage. "Two's better than one. You have somewhere you need to be?"_

_An eyebrow raised but he nodded, turning with his hands in his pockets and beginning to walk._

_"Not really. Sounds good to me."_

_And then Kadota remembered where he'd seen the smile, what kind of a person would sport that type of smile:_

_Izaya._

**may 2, 7:43 a.m.**

"Dota-chin, welcome!"

Izaya leaned back in his seat, giving a lazy smirk as Kadota's hat came into view as he boarded, looking around before leaving his pipe on the ground behind Namie's seat. The man gave a nod, eyes scanning the vehicle. "Hey, Izaya. …Surprised you're with Shizuo. And…"

Namie glanced at him for a moment before looking away again and Kadota nodded, raising a hand and scratching the back of his head. "Nice to see you too."

"It's all right. She's quite unfriendly unless you're _Seiji-kun_."

"Rot in hell, Izaya."

Kadota lingered close to the front as Shizuo came into view next, squeezing behind him to head towards the back. Chikage still lingered on the lowest step, looking somewhat annoyed. Moving to lean the back of Namie's seat, Kadota straightened upon hearing a sharp 'no' and immediately moved over to Izaya's, hands in his pocket. For a vehicle that looked a bit worn from the outside, the inside was much nicer and roomier than he had anticipated. Realizing Izaya and Shizuo were together was still odd, but it seemed everything was still fully intact.

He'd been walking along the road for days now, at first having hitched a few rides with Chikage before finding a car of their own. But gas ran out and still not knowing where to go but deciding they couldn't just sit in one place, they decided to begin walking and hitchhike as soon as they found people that they decided were trustworthy.

Izaya wasn't trustworthy as in "could trust him", but he was trustworthy as in "probably wouldn't toss them as live food to zombies or eat them."

"So, where are you three headed?" he asked, looking behind him at Izaya, hearing the engine rev.

"Hiroshima. Is that all right with Dota-chin?"

About to say that it was fine, Kadota was interrupted by the sound of panting and something warm rubbing against his leg. Blinking in surprise, he looked down and gave a small smile to see a dog, tail wagging. He crouched and scratched behind his ears, looked up when he saw dark shoes approaching to see it was Shizuo. "This your dog?"

Shizuo nodded. "His name's Hachi. Looks like he likes you. He likes Namie too, I think. Probably everyone except the flea."

"How mean, Shizu-chan…"

Door slamming shut, Izaya glanced over Chikage finally coming into view. With a fedora and black jacket that was open to reveal a red collared shirt, brown hair framed his face and he looked exasperated and fatigued. Kadota gave a slight smirk. "About time you got in."

"Dota-chin," Izaya piped up, "who's that?"

There was no way that Orihara Izaya, information broker, didn't know the leader of the Toromaru, but Kadota humored him anyway.

"Ah. Rokujo Chikage," he answered, straightening and Hachi went back to Shizuo after bumping his head against Chikage's leg in a greeting. "He's been in a bit of a bad mood but—"

As he had been talking, Namie shifted; from Chikage's view, she'd been hidden by the seat but upon leaning over to pick up a book, long hair cascaded over her shoulder, bringing her face into view once she tucked the strands behind her head. Her slender fingers reached out, curling around the paperback cover and she glanced at the sudden silence, frowning before moving to sit back properly.

It was like the other three men watched coins being put into a carnival ride.

"And who is _this_?"

Kadota gave a sigh while Shizuo looked confused at the sudden change in Chikage's demeanor. Izaya smirked and began driving, though slowly so he couldn't miss this opportunity to watch someone else piss Namie off. Chikage gave a charming smile and fell to his knee gracefully by the woman, removing his hat and then taking her hand in his. She looked at him with disgust and pulled her hand back to pick up her book and sit back in the seat.

"What a beautiful woman!" he murmured, her reaction failing to affect him as he continued to smile. "And what would your name be, my lady?"

Namie scowled and ignored him, but he kept talking anyway, still on his knee. Shizuo frowned a bit and was torn between whether or not to remove him from bothering her, but she didn't seem annoyed or threatened; he watched as she opened her book and began reading. He wondered where she had developed those kinds of concentration skills but, upon remembering she was secretary to one of the most loudmouthed, rambling people to have ever existed, it made sense.

"So how've you been doing?"

It was Kadota's voice that jolted him from his daze. The vehicle was suddenly much louder and livelier; Namie was still quiet, Izaya only spoke when he wanted to annoy someone, and Kadota wasn't much of a talker. Chikage was really the only one who was jabbering away, but it seemed one person was all it took.

After seeing so many people he cared about die or dead in front of him, catching sight of Kadota was a relief for Shizuo. The other person he vaguely remembered (was he the one who withstood four punches?) but even that didn't matter; humans were humans and Shizuo was glad for them. Seeing humans reminded him of whole, before the day it all went to hell, back to when things were peaceful and good. He was well aware things could never go back to how they were, but he would desperately cling onto anything that gave him a brief reminder of how things used to be.

He didn't know how to answer Kadota's question. It was asked with good intentions, probably a conversation starter, but Shizuo's mouth opened with no words coming out. He cleared his throat and tried again, giving a halfhearted shrug and hearing Hachi whimper by his feet.

"…We've been all right."

**may 2, 8:03 a.m.**

"Come here, Hachi."

Patting the free space next to him, Shizuo gave a small smile when Hachi leapt onto the cot obediently, curling up and giving a quiet little yip. Namie sat across from him, having gotten annoyed by Izaya and Kadota's voices about ten minutes in and went to the back, thinking it would be quieter. And if it were only Shizuo, it probably would have been. But Chikage followed her and pulled up a chair to sit in between the two bunk beds, immediately begin to chatter away. Shizuo's arm was on his knee, one leg folded and the other propped up, while his other hand was scratching the dog. Hachi's face rested on his thigh, eyes blinking and watching the other two, his tail thumping happily.

"You look better."

Shizuo looked up at Namie's words and gave a nod, instantly knowing what she was referring to. Chikage raised an eyebrow at the silent exchange but didn't say anything about it. He sat backwards in the chair, legs straddling the back of the seat, and folded his arms over the top, resting his chin on top. A small frown was given to Shizuo, despite him not noticing, but it was curved into a smile when he faced Namie. "So," he began, "tell me about yourself, Yagiri-san. Any love interests?"

Ignoring him, Namie concentrated on filing her nails.

"Well," he continued, entirely undeterred by her response, "I'm sure that whoever you have your sights set on reciprocates those feelings unless they're entirely a fool! A beautiful maiden such as yourself must constantly be warding off despicable, disrespectful men. If ever you should require assistance, I would be more than happy to be there for you!"

"If you want to beat someone up," Namie murmured, fingers outstretched and palm facing outwards to look at how even her nails were, "beat up that vile Orihara Izaya."

"And if he weren't driving, it would be my pleasure!"

Still smiling, Chikage reached a hand out when Namie began to pull hers back. His rougher skinned fingers touched along the soft flesh of her palm, tracing to her fingers before his own curled around them. Her hand was brought close for his dry lips to press a kiss to the back of her knuckles, giving a crooked smirk when he looked up at her.

"But if you were _mine_ , Yagiri-san…"

"Well, I'm not," she said snappily, pulling her hand back irritably to begin filing her nails on her other hand.

The vehicle suddenly stopped and all three looked towards the front, watched Kadota come towards them. He gave a tired sigh and adjusted his hat. "We're stopping for gas."

"Do you need help?" Shizuo asked, looking up.

The other shook his head. "Izaya and I should be fine. You guys just stay here, all right? You should be able to tell if something goes wrong. Like if you see a bunch of zombies, come out."

"Some of us are smarter than you give us credit for."

"I'm sure you're very intelligent, Yagiri-san."

Kadota turned and disappeared down the steps while Shizuo returned to playing with Hachi's ears. Chikage's gaze lingered on watching the two through the window for a moment before turning to Namie with a smirk.

"I knew you were hot."

"…So it was you in that chat room."

Chikage remained cool with his smile. "Mm… dare I venture a guess to say there _is_ a man in your life?"

Based on the way she didn't answer and instead continued to focus intently on her nails, Chikage's smile widened. A crooked finger reached up, knuckle nudging his fedora a bit. "Is he onboard?"

More silence, though she did blow on her nails.

Humming, the man straightened and a hand tipped back his hat entirely to look over his shoulder, towards the front of the RV. She hadn't reacted to Kadota when she saw him, he thought, but the other guy…

He turned to her.

"My beautiful lady… surely it's not…?"

"Not even in hell."

He looked at Shizuo, blinking when the man bent down, Hachi's tongue lapping at his cheek.

"Not unless I want to also be in a relationship with the dog," Namie murmured dryly. At that, both Hachi and Shizuo looked up and stared at her.

She scowled at them. "What did you expect?"

Smirking as Hachi gave a sad little yelp and Shizuo glared at Namie before trying to cheer up the dog, Chikage gave a sigh. He almost would've preferred that whoever she was in love with was on the vehicle so he could know who he was, determine if someone like him was really worth it. _But he must be alive, based on her calm answers… or at least she thinks he is._

_That's good._

_Someone you love dying must be the worst thing to go through._

Looking over to Namie again, he gave another charming smile. "I hope whoever he is, he makes you very happy."

"Of course he does," she answered airily. "I love him more than anything. I'd do anything for him."

"Is that what love is to you? Doing anything for someone?"

A bit coldly Namie looked up from her nails, eyes narrowed at Chikage. Her hands stilled and Chikage remained smiling, though wondered why the change in attitude. "What is it to you then? Exactly what are you trying to say?"

"Nothing, nothing!"

Hands held up in defense, Chikage remained easygoing despite the glare that would've left many a bit shaken. "For me… ah… love is protection and respect. Making sure the one I love is never harmed if I can help it, doing anything in that regard."

"And what if they're with the wrong person?" Namie murmured. "You'd keep protecting them? Or back off?"

"Of course, I'd continue to do what I could! A man should never raise his hand to a woman, so even if she weren't _my_ girlfriend, I'd step in if she seemed to be in danger."

"Women can protect themselves. Not everyone is a helpless damsel in distress waiting for you to ride in on your white horse."

"Never implied they couldn't, my good lady! But if there is something I could do, then I'd be more than glad to do it."

"How selfless…"

Giving a sigh, Namie set the filer to the side and leaned back, fingers outstretched on the sheets to help her keep her balance. She was careful to avoid hitting her head on the bunk and looked towards it, lips curled downwards and entire body a bit tense. "Sometimes love has to be selfish though."

"Oh? Would you care to elaborate?"

"Sometimes the person you love doesn't realize you have their best interests at heart," Namie murmured. "Sometimes they need a bit of help in realizing it. That the person they're with isn't right for them. That it's all based on a lie. That you need to save them, even if it means taking that person away."

"And how do you know that you have their best interests at heart?"

"Love is deluding them."

"But what if your love is deluding you?"

A new voice interjected and both of them looked at Shizuo, having almost forgotten about him. He was still looking down at Hachi, Namie's slight glare and frown going entirely undetected. He didn't say anything at first but looked up after a few seconds, surprised that they were both watching him, waiting for him to continue.

"Sounds to me that while you say his love is deluding him, your love is too," Shizuo mumbled with a shrug.

"And you know anything about love?" Namie snapped, chin dropping to be able to glare at him properly.

Shizuo shrugged. "Not a lot, I guess. Only one person's really ever loved me. But love should be pretty selfless, I think at least. You could be selfish but… I don't know. Just you should always be thinkin' of them first. You could be selfish, but it's for them. You're not hurtin' them to make you happy, but you could hurt yourself to make them happy. It's like that. If you're lucky they love you back. If you're not… then, well, you're not. But you don't do shit to them because they don't love you back."

Namie stared at him before huffing, reaching for a book and mumbling 'men are stupid.' Chikage seemed amused, a hint of a smile on his lips. A hand reached out to pat his shoulder, giving a nod when Shizuo glanced at him.

"You're a pretty decent guy, you know."

**may 2, 8:17 a.m.**

Izaya was pleased that out of the four people (and dog) on board, Kadota was the one who remained up front with him. He was even more pleased that Namie left, knowing that talking would get her to leave.

Kadota had offered to drive but Izaya declined; he said that it was soothing and then assured him he wouldn't try anything funny, adding there wasn't even anyone to get into a car accident with and only an idiot would crash with no one else on the road. Despite that, Kadota pulled his seatbelt on anyway, to Izaya's amusement.

"So, Dota-chin," he started, "how's the weather?"

Kadota frowned and leaned forward to look out the windshield. "…Looks like a nice day."

"I see. Where are Erika-san and the others?"

Kadota gave a tired sigh. _Always to the point._ "I don't know."

"You don't know?" Izaya echoed, glancing over. "Or you do know but you don't want to say?"

"Blunt as ever, huh, Izaya?"

Giving a sigh, Kadota sunk a bit lower into the seat, reaching a hand up to adjust his hat. The silence was relaxing, yet also unnerving. But compared to when he had been walking with Chikage, it was much less so. Walking with him, just the two of them, the world felt both endless and empty and that had been terrifying. Chikage hadn't been much of a conversational partner, which Kadota normally didn't mind, but with only the sounds of their footsteps on the gravel of the road, it really seemed like they were the only two people left.

But it was livelier inside the RV, almost like a small world of its own. The world itself felt a little smaller and less empty and even if Kadota still couldn't see any form of life for miles in any direction outside the windows, at least there were people there with him. People who were alive, people who weren't the undead.

He supposed he never lingered on realizing how vast the world was until it went to hell.

"How about you?" Kadota asked instead. "How are you guys getting along?"

"Ah, well, you know. Namie-san and I have a strictly professional relationship. As professional and civil as a relationship with a vile woman like that could be."

"I'm sure," Kadota murmured and shook his head. "I meant you and Shizuo."

"Shizu-chan? Well, he's as childish and immature and unpredictable as ever, but that brute strength does come in handy. Did he ever pay Togusa back for his car door?"

"I think so. Well, Tom did. Don't know if Shizuo paid back Tom though."

"Considering the damages Shizu-chan causes every month, probably not."

"That's all your fault though, isn't it?"

"Depends on your point of view, Dota-chin!"

"Definitely is."

Shaking his head, Kadota gave a tired smile. Even though Izaya being Izaya remained a tragedy in itself, it was also a slight comfort that at least one thing, one person was still the same.

But, Kadota thought, it would take a lot more than the world ending for Orihara Izaya's personality to change.

"We should stop for gas, I think."

Kadota blinked and leaned over to check the dashboard. "Looks fine to me."

"Who knows next time we'll find such a nice supply of abandoned cars though, hm?"

Pulling to a stop, Kadota sighed and stood. He explained what was happening to the other three, assured them they could remain on the RV as he got off and followed Izaya, holding the gas canister. He poured its contents into the vehicle until the meter indicated that it was full before going to find Izaya, holding two tubes, one long and one short.

This part of the high way was full of cars, though there was still a path that he could tell the vehicle would just be able to squeeze through. Like the other build ups, he could only assume all these people had been trying to escape before something went terribly wrong. Kadota's steps slowed as he looked around, cautious in case zombies were hiding somewhere.

He found Izaya leaning against a car, arms crossed and giving a cool smile, waving him over.

"You're gong to make me do this, aren't you?"

"Dota-chin has stronger lungs," Izaya said with a firm nod.

Sighing and dropping to his knees at the car Izaya was by, trusting that he'd at least done his task of finding a car with gas, seeing that the tank cover door was already open, cap cover screwed off. Kadota murmured a dry 'thanks for that' and Izaya smiled. One hand was on his hip while the other to the car to support his weight as he leaned and watched him curiously.

The longer tube was fed into the tank slowly. Kadota lifted the other end and carefully blew into it, alternating between feeding and blowing until he heard bubbles. Turning to give a short cough and nodding at Izaya's quipped 'is Dota-chin all right?', he left the end he had blown into in the container, left close on the ground. He picked up the shorter tube next and repeated the process until bubbles were heard again. Giving a sigh, he looked up to Izaya.

"I always feel like you come up with the ideas and then do nothing."

Izaya smiled.

Reaching into his pocket for a towel, Kadota packed it firmly around the two tubes to make sure there was no air escaping before blowing into the shorter tube, careful to not inhale any fumes (in a world of flesh-eating zombies, Kadota didn't want to die from inhaling gas fumes.)

He pulled back once he saw gas begin to flow through the longer tube, giving a sigh and holding the tube up. Izaya gave a satisfied hum and Kadota saw him crouch down next to him. "Good job, Dota-chin! That looked like hard work!"

"Yeah, yeah… You watched how I did that, right? You can do it next time."

"Won't Dota-chin do it?"

"You plan on keeping me alive just so I'll keep siphoning gas for you?"

"Well, Shizu-chan's primary purpose is his brute strength…"

Giving a sigh and shaking his head, Kadota waited until the container seemed full. He raised the long tube, thumb over the end and released, watching the gas slowly disappear before pulling the two tubes out and wrapping them in the towel. He capped the container and picked it up, turning around in time to see Izaya rummaging through the drunk of another car. Eyebrow raising, he cleared his throat.

"…Izaya."

"Just seeing if there are any supplies we could use. It's good to be resourceful."

Watching as he went from one car to the next, Kadota frowned. The tubes and container were set on the hood of the car and he leaned against the driver's side, arms crossed and watching him. He supposed it wasn't stealing if these cars were abandoned, but it still wasn't something he'd do.

Clearly, Izaya didn't seem to be bothered.

He looked over his shoulder towards the RV, wondering what the three instead were talking about. He still wondered about Hachi; Shizuo had always seemed like a dog person but he also thought that he'd be too wary of his strength to allow an animal near him.

_Guess things have changed. Good for Shizuo._

"Ah… Dota-chin, do you have a weapon on hand?"

He thought back to the pipe he left in the RV. "No."

"Hmm… I think you should find one then."

Frowning at Izaya's words, Kadota turned around and gave a tired sigh, seeing two zombies approaching them. Izaya was perched on top of a car, switchblade out and unsheathed. Grumbling under his breath, Kadota began looking around. A propped open trunk a few cars away caught his attention and he began moving towards it, taking a glance at the two approaching Izaya.

He squeezed between the packed cars, leaning forward and teasing the hood up. A silver pipe glinted in the sun but just as his fingers curled around the metal, he felt something curl around his ankle, a new groan joining the other two.

Startled, he looked down. A zombie had grabbed him and was trying to crawl out from under the car, teeth showing decay and hair matted with dirt, gravel, and blood. Immediately, the weapon was teased out of the trunk and brought down firmly until it hit concrete, looking away as he heard the squeal of metal going through softened bone and brains. He kicked the limp hand off and looked up in time to see the second zombie fall after Izaya pulled his knife out from between its eyes.

"Oi, I thought you'd save one for me."

"What can I say?" Izaya smirked as he hopped off the car, careful to avoid the two corpses. He opened the door and wiped his blade off on the upholstery before heading back to join Kadota. He picked up the gas and tubes again, mimicking what Izaya had done and dragging the ends of his pipe over the zombie's clothes. "Dota-chin was too slow."

"You had two coming to you though. Maybe they like you."

"Well, that's rather unfortunate… I love humans but not these monsters."

Kadota followed Izaya into the RV, waving a hand when he heard Shizuo ask if everything was all right. The container was left where he had found it and pipe behind his seat to join the other. Izaya was already in the driver's seat when Kadota sat down; he wondered why he was so bent on driving but didn't question it, decided to just enjoy that he didn't need to do anything.

He sank into the cushions and gave a sigh, half lidded eyes watching the horizon continue to stay infinitely far away. It was still early, despite all that having happened, and Kadota could immediately tell it would be a long day.

"Hey," he murmured, "I've always wondered something."

"Hm?"

"If you say you love everyone, that's like loving no one, isn't it?"

Izaya hummed, expression neutral though he did flex his fingers over the leather of the wheel and was soon giving an easy smile. "What do you mean?"

Kadota looked over.

"Well, love is supposed to be feeling something different for someone. That person is someone you just hold more extreme feelings more and the reason that you say you love them is because, relative to everyone else, you care for them more. If you say you love everyone… if you hold that same intensity for everyone, then relatively speaking, it's like feeling nothing. In fact, Shizuo's the only one you…"

"My, Dota-chin," Izaya murmured, cutting him off with a smirk, a dry smile. "Getting ahead of yourself now, are you? Dota-chin has been with Shizu-chan and me since Raira. How could you even _bring up_ such a preposterous, disgusting idea?"

"I'm not saying you like him, Izaya," Kadota sighed, turning back to watching the road. "I'm just saying, in relative terms, you feel nothing for everyone else but something for Shizuo. Well, and Shinra. Where is he?"

"With Celty, I believe."

"And you definitely have stronger feelings for Shizuo…"

"I wouldn't say _that_ …"

"Izaya, when's the last time you let Shinra operate on you?"

"I never let Shizu-chan operate on me."

"You let him chase you around until you can't even walk for a week or you've broken a few ribs again."

"Tch… I thought I confided in _confidence_ to Dota-chin…"

Giving a quiet laugh, Kadota shook his head. Izaya's tone was light as it always was but after knowing him for years, Kadota could see traces of tenseness in his narrowed eyes, slightly purse lips, tight grip of his fingers. He rolled down the window and rested an elbow on the door, sighing.

"Just admit it, Izaya."

Izaya said nothing.

"Whether or not you like it, Shizuo's definitely not just _anyone_ to you."


	8. when to give up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “...it's over."  
> "you can't just..."  
> he gave a small smile.  
> "sometimes you have to."

**may 2, 10:31 a.m.**

"…This is breakfast?"

"Fuck you, Izaya."

"Not in front of everyone, Shizu-chan…"

Giving a smirk, Izaya watched as Shizuo angrily slammed down the instant cup ramen with a few added vegetables. He handed everybody else their portion before finally taking a seat on the cot, as Izaya occupied the booth, despite there still being an empty space next to Chikage across from him. Namie was currently driving and so she declined the ramen, said that she ate something before it was her shift. As a result, Kadota, next to her, held it in case she decided she was hungry later.

Though cooking was usually approached with an "everyone for themselves" attitude, Shizuo decided to take initiative. Namie took over driving from Izaya and Kadota remained up front, Chikage seeming disappointed but deciding to give her some space. He gave Izaya a glare and Izaya raised an eyebrow at him.

_"Trust me, I'm not the competition."_

_"Ah," Chikage murmured, leaning back and smirking, "then you know who he is?"_

_"I do."_

_"Does he treat her well?"_

_"He's not in love with her, if that's what you're asking."_

_"I care for her safety and happiness. But…" Chikage looked up at him. "What's this guy have that I don't?"_

_Izaya thought very seriously._

_"Her blood."_

_Chikage blinked, looking confused. "…Did she give him a transfusion?"_

_"Mm… not exactly."_

While Chikage continued to try to figure out just what Izaya meant, the informant looked out the window and ignored Shizuo's bustling around the kitchen. He'd just been thinking about what to do next; Hiroshima would be several more hours of endless boredom and Izaya wondered if Namie would let him borrow a book.

Maybe it would be better to just take it.

That was when Shizuo had slammed the ramen in front of him, hot water splattering a bit. Izaya would be annoyed but considering Shizuo even _gave_ him anything, that was a miracle in itself. It seemed that Shizuo was growing more tolerant.

That or he didn't want to be lectured by Kadota about the value of attempted acquaintanceship with one's mortal enemy in the middle of a zombie apocalypse.

"Shizu-chan," he piped up, craning his neck to be able to see the other sitting on the cot with Hachi by his feet, "do we have anymore vegetables?"

Shizuo grunted. "No."

"I'm not asking for more."

"Oh. Then yeah. Some."

Frowning a bit at Shizuo's reversal in his answer, Izaya blew on his bite of ramen for a bit before eating it. There was a soreness in his arm that was more comforting than annoying; he hid his victorious smirk with slurping. He hadn't felt anything except the normal side effects from an injury and since a few days had passed, he was more than certain that he was entirely, utterly fine.

_Who would've thought? I am immune._

_Aah, lucky, lucky me!_

_I must be the Chosen One…_

_Good for me!_

"Why're you smilin'?!"

"Why is Shizu-chan watching me?"

"It's fucking hard not to when you have that creepy ass grin on your face!"

"That's not nice to say, Shizu-chan…"

Smirk still lingering, Izaya finished the rest of his noodles and stood to throw out the empty cup and wooden chopsticks. He was on his way back to his seat when he felt a sudden sharp turn; reaching a hand out to grasp part of the bedframe, Izaya steadied himself just in time and immediately sent a glare at the back of Namie's head.

Through the windshield, he could see that they were leaving the freeway and Kadota was kind enough to voice 'wait, where are we going?' as Izaya made his way to the front. He caught sight of a sign right before they veered onto the exit, giving a sigh as he rested his elbow on the headrest of the passenger seat. "Indeed, Namie-san. Where awe going?"

"We're stopping by in Osaka," she informed them. Izaya frowned and leaned forward a bit, peering over Kadota's shoulder to stare at the woman. Hachi gave a confused whimper and Shizuo reached down to pat his head, mumbling 'yeah, I don't understand either' as he stood behind Namie's seat.

"Namie-san," Izaya murmured, breaking the silence with a smirk, "you aren't the leader of this group. Shouldn't you have at least proposed the idea to the rest of is and act as if you aren't a selfish bitch?"

"Oi, oi…"

"Shut up," she snapped, silencing Chikage before glancing at Izaya through the mirror, Shizuo afterwards. Izaya was pleasantly surprised that Chikage didn't try another rebuttal; Namie did have a very strong, blunt way with her words. "I used to go to Osaka often with Seiji to visit family. He could be here."

It was silent for a few moments. Opening his mouth but closing it quickly, Izaya gave a sigh and shook his head, murmuring 'do what you want' and returned to his seat. Shizuo hesitated and tapped Kadota's shoulder, bowing. "Can I talk to her for a minute?"

"Ha? Yeah, sure."

Kadota gave him an odd look and Shizuo waited until he was out of earshot before stepping over and taking the seat, Hachi having followed Kadota to the back. He took a moment to make himself comfortable, messing with the distance and height of the seat before giving up, staring out the windshield. "Look, I… know we're not friends. But I just wanted to tell you that… you should be prepared. Don't get your hopes up, I guess, is what I'm tryin' to say."

Namie gave a slow sigh and Shizuo saw her fingers tighten around the black leather of the steering wheel.

"…You and Izaya both have closure," she said quietly.

Shizuo frowned, his eyes narrowing. There was little he could say to that; if their positions were reversed, he knew that he'd get annoyed if she tried to say something. "It's not as liberating as you'd think," Shizuo said finally in an even softer tone, voice gruff as he looked down. "At least you have hope."

"And you have knowledge."

Pulling to an abrupt stop that sent everyone else lurching forward, Namie turned and glared sharply at Shizuo, whose hands had braced him from chest colliding with plastic. "I don't need you to lecture me or tell me how to proceed with finding my brother."

"I'm just tryin' to warn you…" he started, mumbling his words as she stood. But she shot him a look so cold that Shizuo almost flinched and his eyes narrowed, his patience wearing thin. He didn't know much about Namie. In fact, he was even slightly annoyed at the way Izaya talked to her. But his kindness had been rebutted with glares and her shutting him down and he decided that it wasn't just because it was Izaya; it was because this woman just wasn't very pleasant.

"Like I said," she said stiffly, "don't tell me what to do. Seiji is _my_ brother and I know what might happen. But hope is more painful than knowing. You'll recover eventually. I won't. If I never find out, I'll keep hoping until I die."

She held the gaze for a moment longer before turning sharply on her heel and pulling the key out, throwing the door open and stepping out first. Shizuo gave a sigh and shook his head, running a hand through his hair. He felt Kadota's hand on his shoulder with a mumbled 'sounds like that was rough', hearing him bend down and metal against metal, assuming he had picked up his weapon before getting off. Shizuo waited until the other two had also gotten out before opening the door himself. He was the last to get off with Hachi following, giving small whimpers as he looked up. Shizuo looked over and gave a crooked smile. He bent down and pressed a kiss to the top of his head, fingers scratching behind his ears. "Aah, don't worry. I'm not mad at you. I could never be mad at you."

Kadota glanced over his shoulder once he heard the door slam shut, raising an eyebrow at watching Shizuo coax Hachi along as he adjusted his grip on his pipe. He was strolling by Izaya, the two having naturally found their way to the front, leading the others. He heard Chikage's voices and utter silence on Namie's part, giving a dry laugh under his breath. All it took was seeing her had to bring Chikage back from his uncharacteristic silence. Kadota didn't question it too much; he had said his gang died and when he asked about the girls who usually followed him around, Chikage's face darkened and was quiet for a long time before changing the subject. A yip sounded and he was back to thinking about Shizuo and Hachi instead of Chikage's revitalized personality.

"When did Shizuo get a dog?" he asked.

Izaya gave a caustic laugh, shrugging nonchalantly with his hands in his pockets. "Shizu-chan has a habit of picking up strays… he must see part of himself in them."

Kadota sighed. "Izaya, you keep saying things like that, he'll snap and kill you."

"Wouldn't that be nice…"

Shaking his head, Kadota knew pressing the further issue would only serve to Izaya raising his voice, intent on pissing off Shizuo. Some things would never change, not even in a zombie apocalypse.

Even in the face of death, Izaya would still dance the line.

Rounding a corner to be on what was undoubtedly once a busy street, Kadota immediately felt his gut wrench with a bad feeling. Like most of the other cities and town he had stopped by, there was a certain desolation to the area. Cement was cracked, sidewalks uprooted, glass shattered, buildings leveled had become a norm for bustling metropolitan cities that once boasted life and business proudly. Dead bodies were still strewn about, the stench of death inescapable.

But the city was far quieter than he was used to. In the others, there had been some stirrings of life, whether a stray animal or some few people who had survived the initial attacks. However in the few minutes they'd been walking, Kadota hadn't heard anything. It was eerily silent and he pulled is sleeves up. "Hey, make sure we stick together, all right? This area seems pretty—"

Kadota was cut off by something shoving at his back. Immediately, he stepped forward and caught his balance, at first thinking it was Izaya, with an irritated scowl. But once eyes saw the man a few steps ahead of him, and realizing Izaya was never one to initiate direct physical contact in a confrontational way, Kadota spun around and raised his pipe. The metal smashed against the shoulder of the zombie as he narrowly avoided being bit. He lost his balance and stumbled for a moment but Izaya's lithe frame swept past him, a knife a bit longer than his usual one driven through the eye into the brain. Kadota watched as he pulled back, bending down to wipe the blade on a ragged shirt.

"Changed up your weapon?"

"Adapting and surviving is my hobby."

Waves of moans sounded and each person turned to a different direction and saw zombies approaching. Hachi gave a bark and everyone pulled out their respective weapon, save Shizuo who just rolled his sleeves up.

"Stay safe, buddy."

Another bark.

Kadota glanced over his shoulder and hesitated for a moment, surprised at the intense, unaltered fury in Shizuo's eyes. He faltered for a moment at the sight; it was rare to see him hold that level of anger for anyone, anything besides Izaya and he had to wonder just what he went through before they met up.

Shaking the thought from his mind, he decided to try to ask him about it again tonight. "Try not to use your guns if you have one," Kadota said, glancing at Izaya because he'd caught a glimpse of the metal glinting earlier. "It'll just draw more of them. A single quick blow to the head. Namie, if you can—"

"I'm not running. I'm just as capable of fighting them as you are," she snapped.

Kadota sighed tiredly. "…I meant to look for Seiji, but all right. Try not to kill each other."

Chikage gave a dry laugh, weapon in hand. He took a step back and Kadota felt the familiar comforting brush of their backs against each other. "That's a given. You don't need to underestimate us."

"All right. Let's just hope for the best."

"No need for that."

To everyone's surprise, it was Shizuo and Izaya's voices that sounded at the same time, saying the exact same words. Kadota was startled enough to lose concentration for a moment, watching at the two he'd gone to high school with, the two who used to try to kill each other but now were perfectly in sync. Izaya didn't have the same anger in his eyes, but he did lack a certain jolliness that his expression usually held; Izaya was very careful about what emotions he allowed others to see him show and anger usually wasn't one of them.

They were off first; Izaya's speed and Shizuo's brute strength stilled the other three for a second, watching in awe. Izaya seemed like he was dancing; the way he moved from zombie to zombie was graceful, making use of his lithe body and parkour skills. His knife was brought down easily and quickly and his feet used the crumpling bodies as new stepping points, flying through the air, similar to the way he'd run from Shizuo during their fights.

Shizuo, on the other hand, was far less graceful but effective. He was taking on two, even three at a time, killing them as if it were nothing. Kadota hated to use the phrase, knowing Shizuo wouldn't like it, but he seemed like a killing machine; he moved methodically and robotically, showing no mercy or hesitation as he slammed heads into nearby structures, stepped on them, kicked them or threw them against each other. There were moments where he'd hear Izaya's voice and immediately bow a bit, allow the informant's foot to step on his back. Even more impressive were the times when Izaya didn't say anything and Shizuo could just _tell_.

They really did make a fantastic team together, Kadota thought.

"Oi oi…" Chikage drawled, first to say anything, smirking. "Don't go hogging the credit and embarrassing me in front of this gorgeous lady…"

Namie scowled, clearly unimpressed as he began moving but she followed suit.

"Idiot..."

For a group that seemed so dysfunctional, Kadota was surprised at how well they seemed to work together. Chikage and Namie had found a natural rhythm; the man even managed to keep his fedora on the entire time, lips curved in an easy smirk as his blade moved gracefully. Namie had a knife of her own and though not as quick as the others, she was accurate and capable of defending herself. There were a few close calls for her but Chikage always got them in time, managing to watch both of their backs at the same time.

He even flashed her a dazzling smile that she just scowled at.

But Shizuo and Izaya surprised him the most. Despite their opposite fighting styles and relationship, they seemed to be feeding off of each other's energy and moving in tandem. Shizuo was rough and furious, Izaya more delicate and agile. They were so opposite with their fighting: Izaya used his blade while Shizuo was using his hands for the most part, apparently having decided that a weapon would only slow him down. There had been a moment where they were right next to each other, backs brushing for a few moments. Kadota swore he heard 'you take right and I'll take left?' and a grunt in agreement from Shizuo. There was even a moment where, without a word, Izaya had thrust his knife at what seemed like Shizuo but the bodyguard knew to duck, allow the blade to pierce into the skull of a zombie right behind him. While he was on the ground, a long leg stretched out, swept around them to knock a few zombies approaching Izaya onto their backs before Shizuo took care of them.

He had never thought he'd see the day where they would trust each other that much.

Narrowly avoiding being bit again, Kadota frowned as he brought his elbow down on the zombie's spine, tearing his eyes away from the dancing duo. _Man, I need to focus._

He drove his other elbow into the chest of a zombie that had gotten too close, pipe forced through its eye once it was far enough. Grunting, he reached a foot up and kicked at the zombie's stomach. It was sent flying back, taking down the few behind with it and Kadota's pipe was freed to swing and smash into other skulls. Blood was splattering all over him and it was certainly uncomfortable, left a stench that, at one point, had made him nauseous.

"Everyone still all right?" he called when he had a free moment, eyes scanning the area quickly before he was defending himself again. He strained his ears to pick up the other's voices; Izaya was easy to spot, as he was jumping around, and Shizuo's blond hair helped him to stand out. Chikage had his hat (somehow still _perfectly_ on) and Kadota's eyes kept looking around, trying to catch sight of Namie.

Hissing a swear, both hands were holding the pipe and he just used it as a bat, hit the side of a zombie's head. It crumpled to the ground and Kadota was just about to take care of the one approaching him when a sudden scream drew his attention.

Turning towards the source, Kadota's eyes widened to see Namie having slipped on the wet spilled blood canvassing the ground. The impact of her body on ground left her breathless for a moment, unable to move as a zombie crawled towards her, its hands grabbing at her body, her position unable to fend it off properly. Kadota was about to move towards her but before he lifted even a foot, Chikage was right there smirking beside her. He'd dropped onto his knees and held his weapon out, blade horizontal against Namie's body, just _barely_ about to touch her.

" _Oi!_ Can't you tell? The lady's not _interested_!"

Teeth meant to sink into Namie's flesh bit down on nothing but solid metal; Chikage gave a twisted grin and pulled it out, shoving it through the zombie's head and kicked it off. He then immediately picked Namie up despite her protests, favoring one arm more than the other, and took advantage of an opening in the horde to take them both to safety.

Kadota was relieved, but it was short lived; he heard Shizuo yell out his name suddenly, expression on his face frantic. He turned just in time to see a rotten face up close, its decayed teeth sinking into the flesh of his shoulder. The pain was searing; fear dulled it only a bit, but Kadota knew better than to lose himself in the anxiety. First things were first; he had to get it off, get to safety, and then think about what _could_ happen.

Trying to shove it off, Kadota's fatigue and the immobility of his dominant arm made it difficult. The zombies, though having decayed flesh and bones, still had strong jaws and teeth. Wincing in pain, Kadota stumbled backwards as he tried to push the body off without running the risk of more of his own flesh being torn off.

He heard a gunshot and immediately knew it was Izaya's, his presence confirmed when he yelled Kadota's name. Groaning in pain, Kadota's hand reached up to hold his shoulder, shirt soaked with his blood, and the other hand accepted Izaya's hand to help him up and they began running, the informant glancing over his shoulder.

"Shizu-chan, come _on!"_

Shizuo turned to follow, but he felt a weight on his ankle. He was surprised that when he gave a firm tug he wasn't freed; looking down, he saw a zombie's long fingers wrapped around him. Swearing quietly under his breath, he glanced up quickly to make sure the others weren't running back, putting themselves at risk. Shizuo reached for a pipe but as he looked away, a second hand latched onto his ankle. A strong pull had him falling and his yell attracted Izaya's attention; he turned around but Shizuo immediately yelled at him to keep going.

"I'll be fi-!"

A flash of gold blinded him for a minute; Shizuo realized only too late that it was Hachi, having run back and began attacking the zombie. It let go of Shizuo's feet and he was able to stand, scrambling to his feet. But when he turned to rescue Hachi, his stomach fell to see the dog being piled upon by zombies. They were crowding around him and soon Shizuo couldn't even see him, just heard high-pitched whines and whimpers.

"Hachi-!"

" _Shizuo!_ "

He felt lightheaded and frozen; every sound that had been deafening suddenly seemed distant and he couldn't move a muscle, unable to keep from staring at the scene before him, Hachi's whimpers gradually growing fainter. It was only when he felt a jerk so sharp that his arm was almost ripped from his shoulder that Shizuo was forced to move. His feet stumbled over each other and his gaze lingered for another moment before he turned and sprinted, seeing black hair and Izaya's other hand holding his blade in case they were ambushed again.

_Hachi…_

Shizuo hardly remembered the way back; all he could remember were the spots dancing before his eyes, Izaya's fingers latched to his wrist, his heartbeat in his ears, skin prickling, his own stumbling feet, and nearly falling several times. Izaya nearly threw him in the RV; he was forced up the steps and fell to his knees once he was on, hands breaking his fall and staring at the floor.

The door was slammed shut afterwards and everything was a whirlwind; the small, enclosed space echoed the voices that were everywhere but Shizuo was still frozen, able to really hear only his own breathing until a single voice cut through everything:

" _Drive_!"

Shizuo wasn't sure who yelled it, but Izaya was in the seat, revving up the engine and slamming his foot on the gas pedal. Shizuo fell to the ground again, this times elbows breaking his fall and hardly noticing anything going on around him. His head was pounding and his hands were shaking; he could already hear Izaya's words of _'Hachi was just a dog'_ ringing in his ears. His throat felt like it was closing up and he found it difficult to breathe, but couldn't control his limbs well enough to open a window. He was suffocating as he kept replaying those last few minutes in his mind, kept _hearing_ Hachi's whimpers, kept _seeing_ the dash of gold.

"Hachi…"

Bloody hands found their way into his hair and pulled, body trembling and feeling nauseous, unable to see anything except Hachi being surrounded by the zombies. He only realized that Izaya was yelling at him after he had done so a few times, his voice faint at first but eventually loud enough that Shizuo was jolted from his trance.

"Shizuo! Check on Dota-chin!"

He echoed 'Dota-chin' a few times before realizing what he meant (Izaya was the only one who called him that, after all.) His mind suddenly cleared the moment his eyes fell on Kadota and saw the blood pooling from between his fingers, man leaning against one of the walls, breathing shallow and eyes closed. Staring, Shizuo felt coldness wash over him again; from one thing to the next, it seemed as if everything just kept getting worse and worse.

"No… shit, no, no, no…"

Scrambling to grab a towel, Shizuo hurried over to him. He coaxed Kadota's hand away and pressed the towel to the injury, heart racing as he looked around for antiseptic or bandages. His own hands were still shaking terribly and eyes frantic as they darted around, voice unsteady and coming out in strangled breaths. "No… no, fuck… fuck, Kadota, hang on-!"

_I can't lose you too today._

"Where are the fuckin' bandages?!"

"It's too late, Shizuo," Kadota said softly, giving a weak laugh, his breathing already sounding labored. "…Sorry you had to see this. Being the guy who hates violence, and all…"

"What the hell are you talkin' about?!" Shizuo snapped, pressing harder on the wound to the point where Kadota winced. "Don't just give up!"

"Kadota…"

"Focus on yourself first."

Chikage was surprised that Namie had finally said something to him without it being scathing. He flinched when her hand touched over his injured shoulder; she had already used scissors to cut his sleeves off, to his immense displeasure, seeing bruising. Her brow knit and Chikage tried to keep his breathing steady through the discomfort.

Namie had remembered the way Chikage's face twisted in pain. It had been when she had fallen from her own stupidity; Chikage had turned at her scream and a couple zombies had grabbed onto his shoulder. His sudden turn and their grip resulted in an injured shoulder and she commended him on hardly reacting at the time. After picking her up (despite his slight frame, he was surprisingly strong), a single decisive swing of his sword killed both of them.

She still didn't like him, but it was impressive.

"You pulled a muscle," she said quietly, eyes glancing up for a moment to meet his. "It looks bad but ice it and it'll be fine. You'll want to rest it."

"I'll be fine."

Namie scowled.

"I'm telling you to _rest_ or you'll _worsen it._ Put aside your own arrogance and—"

"I'm going to protect you."

Namie didn't appreciate being cut off, but Chikage was looking at her so seriously that she didn't chastise him, opted for clicking her tongue in annoyance instead. It was probably the first times there were no signs of flirtation in his features; the intensity of his gaze bordered on unsettling and she narrowed her eyes at him.

"…Fine. Your body."

She stood and returned a few moments later to crouch in front of him again, coaxing his hand away. Namie pressed some frozen peas to his shoulder; they didn't have any icepacks, to her irritation, but they would do just fine. Her eyes were level in watching his expression for a bit before she sighed and looked away.

"You'll get yourself killed if you keep this up."

"That's fine," he said, offering a slight grin and looking at her. "It's a man's duty to protect women."

She scoffed and stood, reaching for his good hand to hold the peas in place. "I don't need to be protected."

"Is it that bad to accept help once in a while?"

"I don't need the help," Namie answered, glaring at him.

Chikage's expression remained relaxed, a bit fatigued but still easygoing. "You don't have to shoulder everything alone all the time. Needing and just accepting for the sake of convenience are two different things."

Frowning again, Namie was saved by Shizuo's voice resonating through the RV. She stood and walked around Chikage after telling him to lay down but be wary of his shoulder, but was hardly surprised that he followed. The first thing she noted was the blood that was now seeping through the cloth Shizuo had haphazardly tried to use as a bandage, watched it drip onto the ground. She shooed the bodyguard away and sat on her knees in front of him. Giving a sigh, she pulled out the first aid kit she had brought with her but Kadota's hand rested on top of it. Surprised, she looked up to see him give a tired smile. "You don't need to waste those supplies."

"What the hell are you talkin' about?!" Shizuo snapped. "You don't just give up! Ka-!"

"I'm done for," he murmured, looking at Shizuo with a tired smirk. "No amount of antiseptic and bandages are going to fix that. Unless you've got a cure in there…"

Shizuo looked perplexed, a hand raising to run through his hair as he sat back. His ankles crossed, allowing his knees to be propped up for his elbows to rest on. Looking away, he was quiet for several moments, giving a strangled breath. "I can't… we can't just…"

"Sometimes you just have to accept things," Kadota sighed. "…Sorry, Shizuo."

"We can't just-!"

"Yes we can, Shizu-chan."

The car slowly rolled to a stop and Izaya walked over once the engine died, crouching next to him. His dark eyes lingered on Kadota's shoulder, frowned to see the blood through his fingers. He was quiet for several moments, eyes narrowed in a way similar to when he was concocting or calculating. Eventually, he turned to Namie, giving an easy smile. "Namie-san, do you mind getting Chikage-san a sling of some sort?"

His gaze lingered and she gave a nod. Standing, she mumbled 'come with me and don't try anything funny' and led Chikage to the back. Izaya waited until they were gone to sigh, looking up at him. "Dota-chin knows it's bad, right?"

"You're never going to stop calling me that, are you…?"

Giving a smirk, Izaya's expression darkened again. He shifted to sit closer to Kadota and murmured 'we can always get more' to cut off his protest early. The roll of bandages was taken out of the box first and Izaya began to clean the wound first, being as gentle with his touch as possible. Kadota winced but kept quiet and held the gauze as Izaya began to wrap his shoulder. "We'll get Dota-chin another shirt," he said once he was done, sighing. "And…"

"Yeah. I know what has to be done."

Nodding, Izaya touched the back of his fingers to Kadota's forehead. "No fever yet, that's good. Though, I must say, Dota-chin looks awful."

Kadota laughed. "I've felt better… Help me to the bed, will you?"

Izaya nodded. He stood and offered Kadota his hand, using his food to nudge Shizuo's afterwards. "Shizu-chan, help out. Just like in high school, aa? That time Dota-chin sprained his ankle."

"Yeah, because you two were chasing each other around…"

"Shizu-chan probably started that."

"No, Izaya. You definitely did."

Silently, Shizuo stood and complied. Kadota gave a wince and heard his gruff apology, shaking his head at it. He limped over to the cot that Chikage wasn't on and grunted in pain as he sat, waiting for Namie to lay out a towel under his shoulder before Shizuo helped him to lay down. It was quiet for a few moments once Kadota had laid down and Izaya looked around with a small frown. He didn't quite care for the tense silence.

"So, Dota-chin," Izaya piped, "what do you want as your last dinner?"

While Kadota gave a smirk, the other three stared at him.

Izaya stared back.

"…It's like there are three Shizu-chans staring at me…"

**may 2, 7:13 p.m.**

Shizuo hadn't moved for hours.

"Is he all right?"

"I don't know him well enough to answer that."

"Ahh, we're having a conversation!"

Namie ignored him.

"…Spoke too soon, huh?"

For the past few hours, Chikage had opted to spend time with Namie. His choices were limited; Shizuo was incredibly quiet and sullen (for obvious reasons), Izaya didn't seem like the type of person Chikage would like, and Kadota…

_…I'm a terrible friend._

Lingering for another moment, he was facing Namie but staring past her. While Chikage had been attempting to strike up conversation, she remained focused on her book the entire time and even now, it was no exception. His eyes stared at the grass on the other side of her and, ignoring the rising sense of dread, he murmured 'well, damn.'

Standing with a sigh, Chikage headed back into the RV from where he and Namie had been sitting outside in the set up lawn chairs. Izaya had driven a bit further and they found a spot by the highway that seemed relatively safe and was right by a river. The night was warm, provided a gentle breeze that made sitting outside comfortable, had it not been for the reality of the current state of the world.

His steps were slow; Chikage had only been back in the vehicle once or twice for absolute essentials. The first time, Kadota had been awake and they'd nodded to each other, but the second time he'd been asleep. Chikage dreaded going back in; he didn't want to see another person succumb to the zombies, but, he knew, that was selfish.

"Hey," he said in a low voice, standing close to Shizuo. "…Mind if I talk to him?"

"…Guess not."

It was probably the first thing he'd said in hours.

Giving a sigh, Shizuo stood and only stilled when he heard Chikage murmured 'sorry about the dog' to which he grunted. Chikage waited until Shizuo's footsteps produced crunching sounds of gravel to sit in the chair, eyes still averted from having to look directly at Kadota. His good hand reached up to tip his hat back; his shoulder still ached but felt better than before. Namie had told him it could take up to seven days but he disregarded her warning; as long as he only used it when necessary, he thought, it would do just fine.

"You awake?"

"Could never really sleep with a fever…"

His eyes remained closed but Kadota answered him, voice faint and gruff. Chikage gave a frown; he stood to reach for a wet towel and wrung it as best he could with one hand. Coming back, he used it to help wipe Kadota's face of the sweat; only a few hours had passed but it was obvious that a fever had set in and his condition was deteriorating rapidly. Kadota's breathing was shallower, though he, as far as Chikage's knowledge, had refused any water or treatment, saying that it wasn't any use.

"Don't let Namie get to you…"

"Hm?"

"It's nothing personal," Kadota murmured, smirking tiredly. "…She's just like that. And as long as Izaya's around, she probably won't hate you. Aa… actually, as long as Izaya's around to be a measure for her to compare against, you could probably actually win her over."

Raising an eyebrow, Chikage managed a laugh. _Still looking out for others even when he's like this._ "You might be underestimating how much she loves her guy. She doesn't have to return my feelings. I just want to protect her."

"Always chivalrous. You always like that?"

"It's the right thing to do."

Chikage found himself staring at the window across from him, the one that Kadota had been looking out earlier. Just like the other side, he saw an endless expanse of green, a few trees and shrubbery littered about along with some areas that looked like swamps. The sky was blue, though slightly cloudy, and all in all it had been a nice day. He saw nothing and, for a moment, his expression darkened, but relaxed immediately when he heard Kadota mumble something.

"You don't have to save everyone, you know."

Chikage's eyes dropped to him, narrowed.

"Sorry?"

"It's not your responsibility to save everyone," Kadota mumbled. "That's too much pressure to put on anyone."

Chikage stared for a few seconds before he laughed. His eyes closed and his head bowed a bit, hand reaching up to pull his hat down to cover his eyes, bangs matted down. 'You're an interesting guy' was mumbled before they lapsed into what felt like an endless silence.

He couldn't bring himself to look directly at Kadota for too long. He hadn't seen anyone die from a bite, not in the excruciatingly slow way, but just knowing that it was _because_ of a zombie was enough to make Chikage angry enough to see red, to want to find a few to kill. The thought made his fist clench and teeth grit, though he tried to calm himself as soon as he could. The last thing the group needed right now, he thought, was another person controlled more by emotion than logic.

But no matter how many he killed, he couldn't help thinking, no one could be brought back.

"You're a good guy, you know that?"

Kadota laughed. "Thanks."

They were quiet again. They were quiet for a long time and Chikage didn't know what to say, but didn't feel a pressure to. He was even beginning to relax when Kadota mumbled something that made his stomach lurch, expression darken.

"Call Izaya over for me."

**may 2, 8:49 p.m.**

_"You're sure, Dota-chin?"_

_"…Yeah."_

Namie confirmed it: once the fever set in, there was really very little to do.

_"What would happen next is that the fever would eventually kill him, and you'd come back."_

_"No exceptions?"_

_"None that I know of."_

During the entire exchange, Shizuo was curled up in a corner, back towards the others and fingers tangled in his hair. Namie had attempted to talk to him but he shrugged away her hand, rejecting a very rare and kind gesture from her. Eyes narrowing at him, she returned to Izaya and murmured 'he's more of a child than you are sometimes' and he raised an eyebrow at her.

"He's known Dota-chin since high school, Namie-san."

Namie fell quiet, scowling.

"You're standing up for him?"

"Namie-san, you criticize me for not _being human_ enough but then get annoyed at Shizu-chan for _being human_. Exactly what are you looking for?"

She scowled but said nothing else and Izaya stared at her for a few moments before giving a tired sigh. "Sorry, Dota-chin. Excuse us for a minute. My secretary is silently throwing a tantrum right now."

He reached a hand out to touch to the small of her back, intending on guiding her out of RV, but she jerked away from his movement and stalked out herself. Izaya spared Shizuo a glance as he followed her and closed the door behind him, his pleasant smile dropping almost immediately. "We're not going back to Osaka. And, while we're talking about you and Osaka, please realize that had it not been for you, Dota-chin might not _be_ in this situation.""

She scowled at his second sentence but turned to him, her arms crossed and glaring. "He could _be_ there. And what happened was an accident; we undergo that risk anywhere we go."

"Namie-san, tell me…" he murmured, smirking but his eyes cold, an expression he adopted often during times when he was angry but wasn't going to show it, "do you _realize_ how selfish you are? You're lucky that Chikage is enamored with you and Shizu-chan is too upset to think but keep in mind that this is _your_ fault. And yet you dare to bring up wanting to go back there?"

"Do you-?"

"Dota-chin is going to die," Izaya said slowly, coldly and approached her, noticing that thought she stood still, she did flinch for a moment. "And in case you haven't noticed, you're the _only one_ who isn't close to Dota-chin. So before you run your mouth to convince us to turn back to where it all happened, I suggest you _not_ and _think_ about someone _else_ for once."

He stopped walking once they were almost toe-to-toe, used his height to look down on her. His gaze was kept steady and unwavering; even if it didn't matter how much blackmail he had on her now, Namie surely had to know that handling information wasn't the only reason Orihara Izaya was feared in the city.

" _Understand_?"

Namie's nails were digging into her arms through the shirt she wore and she eventually turned away, scowling. "…Well, at least you're finally showing that you _care_ about someone. You're, apparently, not entirely heartless."

"And you've confirmed that you're more of a selfish bitch than I ever thought."

Izaya didn't want to admit his temper had gotten the better of him, but he be lying if he said it hadn't. He'd been fine about his sisters and he'd been fine about people he'd known, but Kadota wasn't a person he knew on a shallow level and even if Izaya didn't hold close, personal relationships with anyone, in relative terms, his friendship (was it even that?) with Kadota would probably count as one.

_Am I scared?_

_Of course not._

_I must just be tired._

His cold gaze lingered on her for a moment before he turned and walked back into the RV, taking a moment to collect himself, pull on the same cool and collected expression he had taken to adopting most of the time. Even though Kadota would be able to see through it, Izaya still had appearances to keep up for the other two.

They weren't going to see him falter.

"Dota-chin," he murmured. "What do you want to do?"

Kadota was paler than before; his breathing was even more shallow, even more labored, and he could hardly swallow or speak. Licking his lips, Izaya had to bend down to be able to hear him, patient as he waited for Kadota to find the breath and energy.

"Do it."

He nodded and straightened.

"All right."

A sudden stir of blond hair had Chikage and Izaya looking over. Shizuo stood, his eyes desperate, bags under them and looking frantic. Izaya regarded him calmly although he reached a hand under his shirt, grasped the handle of a knife he kept pressed to the small of his back for situations like this. "Shizu-chan," he said lowly, "what is it?"

Shizuo's mouth opened and at first he didn't say anything. He'd been so quiet for so long that Izaya almost forgot about his existence, so his sudden movement had been startling and considering Shizuo was unpredictable when emotionally stable, Izaya knew to not assume too much now. His eyes darted between Izaya and Kadota before he started walking towards them. Stopping only when Izaya unsheathed his blade and held it out in front of him, Shizuo's hands came up to push his hair out of his face. "You can't… you can't just…!"

"We have to," Izaya murmured. "Dota-chin made his decision."

"But-!"

"It's his decision, Shizuo."

Shizuo's mouth opened but nothing came out; he swore and a fist reached out, connecting solidly with the wall and leaving sizable dent. Izaya remained impassive as he watched; he was willing to be patient (two in one day, he knew, would be hard on anyone, but especially Shizuo) but his patience had a limit. Orihara Izaya could only be so lenient when dealing with Heiwajima Shizuo.

After all, Izaya was also losing someone he'd known for years and _he_ wasn't acting out.

Because he could _control himself_.

_What a child._

"Shizuo," he repeated his name sternly. "Calm down. There's nothing—"

"You're just going to give up?!" Shizuo snapped, hands shaking. His eyes were desperate when he looked up again and Izaya just gave a tired sigh. "You can't just… you're not even… fuck, can't we at least… wait?! Or somethin'?! Why are you in such a goddamn rush to kill him off, Izaya?!"

"It's been hours."

" _So_?!"

"You can't just _give up_!"

"Shizuo."

Kadota's voice silenced him and he struggled to sit up, aided by Chikage and his one good arm. It took him a moment to catch his breath when he swung his legs over the bed, palms to the mattress and fingers curled over the edge. Eyes were closed as his breathing steadied and he took a deep breath, looking up at him.

"…It's over."

"You can't just…"

He gave a small smile.

"Sometimes you have to."

"No…"

Shaking his head, Shizuo took a stumbled step back. "No… no, you can't…"

Giving an apologetic smile, Kadota shook his head. "…Goodbye, Shizuo."

Without another word, Shizuo spun on his heel and stalked out of the RV. Izaya gave a sigh, raising a hand to press thumb and middle finger to either temple. _They're both being ridiculous._

He ignored the sudden rise of nausea when he opened his eyes and looked at Kadota.

"You ready, Dota-chin?"

Kadota sighed, gave a rueful smile.

"Am I ready to die? You're not one to ask pointless, easy to answer questions."

Izaya shrugged, reached under his shirt to touch his fingers along the metal.

"Aa… guess even I've changed."


	9. goodbye, goodbye, goodbye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> goodbye.

**may 2, 9:26 p.m.**

Shizuo hadn't realized how far he'd walked until he looked over his shoulder and the RV was barely a speck in the distance. At that point he stopped; he was still angry but had enough rationale left to know he shouldn't walk _so_ far as to not even be able to see the others. His heart continued to race, drumming against his ribs, and staying still had him jittering, so he started walking again, this time into the field. Eyes closed when he decided to stop, he leaned back a bit with his hands in his hair as he tried to breathe deeply, hope that it would calm his nerves. Alone in a wide expense, he had all the space he needed and yet it was like it still wasn't enough.

All breathing did was suffocate him. Every breath he took made him want to vomit until the feeling was so strong he actually had to lean forward, hands on his knees, a concave between his shoulders, and breath deeply until he wasn't shaking anymore. His stomach continued to turn and his fingers grasped the fabric of his pants, tried to will the nausea away. Panting shallowly, Shizuo straightened slowly and waited until his skin wasn't prickling to take a few more hesitant steps.

Stopping again after a bit, he unclenched his hands and stared at them. He could still see white spots dancing in front of his eyes but he could distinguish the outlines of his fingers. His hands were the reason he was alive; his strength was why he had survived up until now and why Izaya even approached him. His strength, though his bane, was also what he was good for, but it did him nothing now.

Shizuo gave a frustrated yell that silence ricocheted back at him. A nearby tree was victim to his thrown fist, though he ended up crumpling against it, palms vaguely registering pain from scraping along rough bark as he fell to his knees. Hot tears pressed to the back of his eyes before following the curve of his cheek to his chin, body wracked with silent sobs.

The day still felt surreal; he could still remember trying to teach Hachi to bring a thrown stick back and now he continued to find himself about to call out to him, miss the companionship. He couldn't rid himself of the memory, watching Hachi leap towards the zombie, getting swallowed up and his high pitched whimpers turning into silence, lost among the groans.

He wondered if that was how Kasuka's last moments as a human had been; if he'd been by himself, if he'd been outnumbered. If he had been absolutely terrified, wondering where Shizuo was, why he hadn't found him yet.

_I'm useless… I'm so useless, I-!_

_I'm…_

Shizuo didn't realize his hands were bleeding until he was wiping his eyes on his t-shirt sleeve, seeing red from nails dragging against the bark. He stared for a moment before wiping them on his shirt, hands shaking. He looked around dazedly, wondering if he could find a lake, but saw nothing within walking distance. Giving a ragged sigh, Shizuo ended up sitting down before deciding to lay, limbs outstretched, grass tickling revealed skin, staring upwards tiredly.

His heart was racing.

He was far but not far enough and he was just…

…waiting.

_Why?_

_Why… why do we go through much shit, just to go through more?_

_What's the point? See how much shit we can survive? The fuck kind of a life is that?_

Fingers flexing, he swallowed thickly. Part of him wanted to go back; Kadota had been one of the few people who stuck by him and talked to him when he was upset. He remembered one day in particular during their days at Raira together; Izaya had pissed him off and Shizuo's temper earned him three weeks of detention.

As usual, Izaya started it, disappeared, left Shizuo to take the punishment.

He had just been about to finish cleaning duty when a few classmates outside were playing with baseball. The next thing Shizuo knew, a baseball came flying through the closed window, shattering it. Shizuo had raised an arm to shield himself from the glass, as he had been cleaning the blackboard closest to the window. His uniform protected most of him but a few shards sliced at his hands. Shizuo didn't feel the pain and just stared at the glass on the ground, too tired and used to having to take the blame for someone else to even really feel angry.

_"Oi… Shizuo, what happened?"_

_"…Nothin'."_

_Kadota had been passing by, holding his books under his arm. But he frowned when he saw the broken window and Shizuo looking frustrated, stepping in and leaving his stuff on the teacher's desk. He gave a sigh as he stood by him; a hand rested on his shoulder and he stared at the shards with him. "…I'll help you clean this up and we can tell a teacher. It was those guys playing outside, right? They really suck…"_

_"It's fine," Shizuo mumbled gruffly and went to take the broom while Kadota followed to pick up the dustpan, crouched close by to hold it in place as Shizuo swept up the glass pieces. "I'll just get another week of detention."_

_"Shizuo, you're a good guy, you know that, right?" Kadota asked, eyebrow raised as he looked up at him. "Teacher'll believe you didn't break it."_

_"Yeah, well, I threw a desk out of the window the other day. Baseball through it is more normal."_

_"You're just going to take the punishment for some other kids?"_

_"Guess so. If not, I'll probably get another week for somethin' else. Damn flea…"_

_Giving a heavy sigh and shaking his head, Kadota stood once the shards were all swept up and dumped them out in the garbage can. He took the broom from Shizuo's hand and murmured 'oi' and waited until he looked up._

_"You're not going to help those guys get off scotch-free, Shizuo. You're not a bad guy. Having to go to detention more often than you get to go straight home doesn't mean you're not a good person. It's just… well, really, it's all Izaya's fault. And somehow he never gets in trouble."_

_Giving a weak, half-hearted shrug, Shizuo raised his hand to scratch the back of his head. He turned away, unsure of what to say; he wasn't used to people acknowledging that it wasn't entirely his fault. In fact, Kasuka and Kadota were probably two of the only people who did so._

_Kadota gave another smile and shook his head._

_"Look, I'll take care of it. Just don't tell the teacher you broke that window, okay?"_

_Shizuo fidgeted for another moment longer, stared at the glass on the ground. If it were him, he'd take the punishment and get it over with. But Kadota wouldn't let that happen and even though Shizuo dreaded the idea of this getting dragged out, it did make him happy to know someone cared enough about him to make an effort._

_"…Fine."_

_"And don't leave when you're done. We'll go get some cake or something. Sound good?"_

_Giving a curt nod, Shizuo looked up and gave a tired smile._

_"…Yeah. Thanks."_

As it turned out, the three boys ended up confessing to the window incident and Shizuo had only his three weeks of detention. How Kadota had done it, he wasn't sure; all he knew was that the next day school went by without any additional days being tacked onto his punishment. He did notice that the boys would flinch whenever they saw Kadota, but thought better not to ask.

In their little friend group of the four, less was more.

Shinra piped up about the window but Kadota glared at him until he was quiet and Shizuo even managed to ignore Izaya's comment. He'd thanked Kadota again after class was over but he just gave him a smirk. _"Don't worry about it. That's what friends are for."_

Shizuo gave a quiet laugh, eyes closing as he gave his first relaxed breath in what felt like all night. _Damn… almost forgot about that. Almost forgot what life was like before this…_

He didn't know how long he was there. Eventually, the prickly sensation of the grass faded away; Shizuo found himself reflecting on Raira days, how, despite Izaya's existence, there had been highlights. Shinra was usually annoying but had his days where Shizuo didn't mind him, but Kadota was really the one who Shizuo would say was the most normal. He always seemed to be there to look out for them and keep Shizuo from getting too down and self-destructive. He'd take him to bakeries if he was having a particularly bad day, tried to mitigate rising tensions between Shizuo and Izaya whenever he could. It was annoying to watch Izaya cling to Kadota (that not only meant that Shizuo couldn't talk to him but also that he was forced to be with Shinra) but, all in all, Kadota did a relatively good job of spending equal amounts of time with both of them.

A small smile tugged at his lips and for the first time in a long while, Shizuo felt relaxed.

_And now he's going to be gone…_

It took a second for the thought to sink in. Shizuo had known it all night but, until now, he hadn't actually felt it, realized that besides feeling misery at Kadota's death, he'd also feel regret.

Regret for not being there.

Regret for not saying goodbye.

Regret for laying in the grass.

Because even though this wasn't the first time he was losing someone, it _was_ the first time he had a chance for a proper goodbye.

Laying still for another moment, Shizuo got up without a word and began sprinting back; he wasn't sure exactly how long he'd been there, but knew it had been hours. He knew that what was going to happen was inevitable, but there was one thing different about Kadota than the others so far:

Shizuo had the chance to say goodbye.

" _Oi!"_

Throwing the door open, Shizuo bounded into the vehicle. The momentum had the RV swaying for a moment and he could see Namie's clear annoyance at him (for some reason, the threat of more than five tons of metal capsizing annoyed her instead of scared her) but Shizuo was relieved to see Kadota still in the bed. Still breathing heavily, he made his way over, feeling awkward suddenly. Shizuo cleared his throat and stopped a bit away, had one hand pushing his bangs back as he stared at him. "…I…"

He extended a hand a bit sheepishly.

"…Thanks for being my friend."

Kadota gave a weak smirk and raised his hand, clasping it firmly with Shizuo's.

"Glad you came back."

**may 2, 11:48 p.m.**

He sat and talked for a while, but when Izaya murmured 'the fever's getting worse' no one stopped Shizuo from leaving. At least fifteen minutes had passed before Izaya and Chikage helped Kadota outside, Namie following holding a large sheet. She laid it out and then quietly stepped back, hands holding her elbows as Kadota was helped over.

The fever had risen even higher; he was pale and sweat beaded at his forehead, hair matting to his skin. He was on his knees and Chikage lingered for a moment as Izaya stepped back, turned around to load the gun. Namie stepped up to him and frowned.

He looked up at her.

"Are you going to say anything?" he drawled, surprised at her silence and for managing to keep her expression at neutral instead of showing distaste or annoyance for the most part.

"…No."

He smirked, re-inserting the magazine and hearing the click. "That's something, isn't it?"

Izaya wasn't one to make jokes like that, but Namie wasn't one to have nothing to say.

Behind him, he heard mumbled words exchanged between Chikage and Kadota, followed with another handshake before he took a step back. His eyes rested on the gun in Izaya's hands for a brief, disgusted moment and Izaya raised an eyebrow, offering it. "You want to do it?"

He ignored him and went back to the RV, leaned against it with his arms crossed.

Giving a slow sigh, Izaya walked towards Kadota and crouched in front of him. He kept the gun out of sight but Kadota's eyes immediately flit towards the pocket where he hid it. "Dota-chin," he murmured, "any last words?"

Izaya kept his expression neutral; the only giveaway that he didn't feel that way was the fact his fingers occasionally flexed and rewrapped themselves around the gun. in his pocket. Kadota took note of this; he glanced down and offered a half smirk. "You better not intend on playing Russian Roulette with me."

"Aa, Dota-chin doesn't need to worry about that. I'm not _that_ cruel."

"Right…"

He gave a shudder that had Izaya frowning, reached a hand out instinctively to rest against his shoulder, though he pulled it back the moment Kadota seemed all right again. Izaya watched him carefully; how did he feel?, he thought. Was he scared? Had he accepted it?

Was he still scared even though having accepted it?

"Izaya."

"Hmm?"

"Be honest with yourself," Kadota murmured, looking at him tiredly. "…Stop being such an ass. Try to consider how other people feel. And… look after Shizuo."

Izaya feigned a pout.

"Dota-chin's asking a lot of me…"

"I'm really just asking you to be a decent human being."

Giving one last smirk before standing, Izaya reached a hand out. Kadota's palm was hot against his own, his fingers weak in grasping his, but Izaya shook his firmly. He took one step back and raised the gun; it pressed to his forehead between his eyes and Izaya took a deep breath.

_Compartmentalize._

_Pull the trigger._

_That's it._

"…Goodbye, Dota-chin."

Namie had been looking away, focusing on a spot on the ground. Though she didn't particularly have any sort of relationship towards Kadota, except gratitude for the times he'd keep Izaya occupied, watching someone die still wasn't something she was interested in. She'd started thinking about Seiji again, wondered where he was, if he was all right. The thought of him brought a certain happiness to her, though that was easily disrupted with the sound of a gunshot ringing through the silent night. Unable to help a slight hitch of breath, she gave a frown as she heard the thud of a body.

A moment later, she felt something warm around her and looked up to see Chikage draping his jacket over her shoulders. She hadn't noticed him pushing off of the wall of the RV, assumed she'd been too entranced by her own thoughts.

She blinked and opened her mouth to reject the gesture but closed it after a moment, watching his expression. Instead, she murmured 'thank you' as he walked past her. Chikage's back was hunched as he approached Izaya. From her angle, the two of them were able to hide the sight of the body crumpled on the white sheet, though she did see a red pool of blood growing, staining the fabric.

Low, indistinct murmurs were heard and then the clanging of metal as shovels were picked up. Namie gave another sigh; Shizuo would've helped the grave digging process move along, she thought as she climbed back into the vehicle and took one of the cots, staring at the moon high in the sky.

_I hope Seiji's all right…_

**may 3, 1:43 a.m.**

Shizuo came back more than an hour after the gunshot he unmistakably had to have heard. He stopped by the freshly filled grave to leave a few flowers he brought back with him and lingered for only a moment before getting back into the vehicle, immediately going back to the cot. He'd avoided eye contact with everyone and even Izaya didn't throw him a taunt. There was a tense silence that only two sets of footsteps filled: Shizuo's towards the back, Namie's towards the front. She climbed into the driver's seat and Izaya looked up as rumpled sheets were heard.

_"Where?"_

_"Somewhere away from here."_

He had looked over.

_"Well, well… who would've thought? Namie-san is actually thinking about others."_

She scoffed.

_"Your turn next."_

Namie drove for maybe an hour before pulling over, sharp eyes catching the moon's reflection in what she hoped would be a relatively clean source of water. The vehicle was parked on the shoulder of the road and there were stirring as the engine died. Izaya was the first to talk; he hummed and gave a nod. "We do need baths, I suppose."

Namie nodded and stood.

_"Don't be a pervert."_

_"Wouldn't dream of it…"_

Bathing in the middle of the night in freezing cold water was far from ideal, but it was clean water and a chance to wash off blood, sweat, and dirt. They had all the toiletries they needed and had to share amongst each other, though Namie took a whole set and went further down the river.

The water was cold to the touch; Izaya washed as quickly as he could and got out, dried off and started layering on clothes. Chikage was next to finish; Izaya turned to look at Shizuo afterwards, frowning at him just sitting there. "…Shizu-chan, now may not be the time to prove that idiots can't get colds."

Shizuo didn't say anything, didn't even look at him.

As far as his knowledge extended, Shizuo hardly ever got sick and even though the air and water combination was cold for him, Shizuo had a pain tolerance that was either extraordinarily high or didn't even exist. Shaking his head, he finished dressing and headed back closer to the RV to put the towels back, leaving everything where they had found it. By the time he went back outside, Chikage already had a fire started and Izaya had to wonder how he so quickly found the branches.

Taking a seat, he welcomed the warmth. Chikage sat on the ground against a rock with arms crossed and fedora low, hiding his eyes. Izaya had tried to start conversation (rather, he made comments) but the other, like Shizuo, didn't answer; he supposed it was because of what had happened.

But Izaya didn't like this tense silence because it forced him to have to think about what he did.

He didn't want to think about what he did.

It was silent and Izaya realized that none of them had eaten dinner. Despite not having an appetite, he still knew that they'd need to keep their strength up. Standing, he went back into the vehicle and came back out with some apples that he figured would go bad if they didn't eat them soon. One was handed to Chikage and the other left in a bag by his feet as he sat down again, giving a sigh.

Raising the fruit to his lips, he paused and noticed his hand was shaking. Clicking his tongue, he glared at it and took a bite, decided to ignore it. Deep breaths were taken as he tried to relax his muscles, find a routine in biting, chewing, and swallowing that trembling didn't have a place in.

He tried not to think about Kadota too much. He'd pulled the trigger and covered his body, helped Chikage dig a grave and lowered Kadota into it. They then covered it with dirt, waited for Shizuo, and left.

It was the right thing and it was what Kadota wanted.

Izaya did him a _favor_.

It was the _right_ thing.

"Apples for dinner?"

Namie came back next, her long hair still being dried with the towel. She gave Izaya a disapproving glare that he shrugged off before disappearing into the RV, coming back out with a loaf of bread and a few bottles of water, Chikage's jacket around her shoulders.

He looked up and she scowled.

"It's _cold_."

He gave a smile, albeit tired.

"Of course."

"Here's a piece of bread."

Izaya waited as she handed Chikage a piece and a bottle and then frowned when she stepped over him, sitting down nonchalantly.

He cleared his throat.

"…Namie-san."

"What."

He stared at her.

"… _Fine_."

She handed him some of the bread and a water bottle as well as well, though glared at him, an expression Izaya returned with his smile, finding comfort in this familiar exchange. It then fell silent against save the crunch of the apple and of caps being twisted off of plastic bottles.

Biting into the bread she gave him, Izaya gave a sigh. He crossed his arms to ensure that they wouldn't keep trembling, annoyed that it hadn't lessened to the point of entirely stopping yet. Red eyes focused on the flickering flames in front of him and when it got too quiet, he'd start talking, only to be shushed by Namie and a banter would start. Chikage would drawl something in her defense every now and then, prompting her to shut him down.

It was just the silences that were bad; it was the silences that made him think, made it impossible to close one drawer and keep the other open.

_Compartmentalize._

"Shizu-chan's back."

He had interrupted Namie with the announcement and all three looked up to see him coming back, towel around his neck. He sat next to Namie and accepted the offered apple and bread, looking confused for a minute. "…Sandwich?"

Namie stared at him.

"…If you _really_ want to."

Shizuo stared back before scowling, decided she was being sarcastic and began eating the apple first. The bread was next and then the water; Izaya watched him with slight amusement the entire time. He looked up only when he was almost finished, frowning at Izaya's smirk. "What're you lookin' at?!"

"Shizu-chan's surprisingly… ah, how do I put this? _Functional_."

He expected Shizuo to get angry, to stand up and lift the fallen tree that he was leaning against to throw at Izaya. But instead Shizuo just held his gaze evenly for a few moments before shrugging. "…Have to move on. Can't get stuck thinking about the past."

A thin brow arched at Shizuo's rather mature answer but Izaya murmured 'I see' in a quiet voice. He had picked up a stick and was poking at the crackling fire, watched sparks dance. Namie looked around, still nibbling at her apple. There was Shizuo, ranging between angry enough to kill Izaya and sad enough to not eat or drink for days. There was Chikage, who kept flirting with her in order to, what she felt, avoid something, think that she could replace someone or distract him from the entire situation. And then there was Izaya.

"We're like a traveling band of freaks."

She muttered it suddenly and with disdain laced in her tone. Izaya was the only one to really respond, raising an eyebrow and turning to her.

"Now, that's not nice to say, Namie-san…" Izaya drawled. "Look, you made Shizu-chan sad."

"He's always sad nowadays."

"You should really watch what you say."

"Coming from you, that's rich."

"Which should say something about you right now, no?"

Huffing quietly, Namie crossed her arms over her chest, pulling Chikage's jacket closer to her. Her eyes fell to watching the fire for a bit; expectedly, there was a certain sullen air. Even in Izaya, she thought, although he was keen on not letting it show.

She pulled her knees as close to her chest as she could and rested her chin on top of them, eyes almost closing for a moment. They reopened when she heard shifting and saw Shizuo stand and head a further bit more into the field before sitting down again. Her cheek rested on her knee as she watched him leave; it was commendable the way he carried himself after Kadota, considering how he had been after Kasuka and Hachi.

"Probably because he had closure."

She really hated when Izaya could tell what she was thinking. Frowning, Namie switched cheeks to glare at Izaya. "And what about you? Don't you need to sit alone somewhere?"

Izaya smiled. "Of course not. I'm fine."

"You fully intend on going through your entire life avoiding any situation that would cause some emotional reaction?"

"I have no idea what you could be possibly referring to."

"You-!"

"I'll take the first shift."

Blinking in surprise, Namie turned to see Chikage stand and head towards the RV. His silence had surprised her; she hadn't thought him to be close to Kadota, but his reaction seemed to suggest the opposite. Both Izaya and Shizuo knew him for years and one was reacting appropriately while the other wasn't, but as far as Namie knew, Chikage and Kadota hadn't been acquainted very long.

_Odd._

_Whatever, it doesn't concern me or Seiji. He can sulk for the rest of his life for all I care._

"I'm going to sleep."

Izaya nodded as Namie stood and followed Chikage back to the RV. He sat by the fire for a bit longer, eating another piece of bread before he decided to also get up. Dirt was used to put out the fire and as the column of smoke rose into the air, he took the loaf of bread with him and headed over to Shizuo, finding him sitting, back towards Izaya.

"Shizu-chan, I need to ask you something."

Shizuo stiffened for a moment but didn't say anything at first; it was better than anger, Izaya thought, and he was glad Shizuo was too tired to snap at him. Izaya could see him trying to figure out what he wanted and so he sighed and sat down next to him. "A genuine question."

"…Fine. I guess."

Izaya sighed tiredly.

"…It's about Kasuka."

He heard Shizuo's breath hitch and was patient in waiting for him to say something. He watched him stiffen and start pulling at the grass beneath them, eventually swallowing thickly and nodding. His fingers released the green blades and he was staring up ahead again.

"…All right."

Orihara Izaya was about to ask Heiwajima Shizuo a genuine, personal question with absolutely not malicious intent. It was to cover his ass, but as far as Shizuo knew, Izaya could just be attempting to be a civil human being. As he leaned back on his hands and looked up to the dark night sky littered with stars, he gave a sigh. Orihara Izaya never thought he would reach this _truce_ with Heiwajima Shizuo.

It felt odd to sit next to him and not be in imminent harm or want to cause it. Izaya never thought he'd be able to just _sit_ next to Shizuo and talk without any agenda behind it.

"Hypothetically speaking," he began, glancing at Shizuo who was still sitting up with his back hunched, "if you could've gone the rest of your life not finding Kasuka but having hope he was alive versus knowing, which would you prefer?"

While talking, Izaya had lowered himself onto his elbows, bringing his body closer to the ground. His hair was still damp from his bath and, under normal circumstances, he'd still feel dirty from having to use a stream. But under these conditions, he felt rather refreshed.

As if a river bath could get rid of more than just blood, dirt, and sweat.

Shizuo was quiet. He had stopped picking at the grass and was just staring at the ground, it seemed, elbows on knees, knees propped up, ankles crossed. His also damp hair stuck to the nape of his neck until Izaya watched a hand come up, ruffling the back of his head. A grunt sounded but then nothing and Izaya decided to lie down, fold his arms behind his head.

The sudden thought to tell Namie had occurred him. The _thought_ did but the desire to still didn't; Izaya understood that telling Namie would definitely disrupt what still felt like a delicate balance of their personalities. But Izaya was Izaya; the _what if?_ still intrigued him. He often was in the position of holding bits of information to ruin people's lives but this was the first he had something that would really actually ruin Namie's life.

Not that he wanted to.

She was being a bitch but she was still useful, he thought.

"I… don't know. It's hard."

Izaya shifted to be able to stare at Shizuo's back.

"I guess… not knowing would be nice, but I'd never know. I'd spend the rest of my life looking for him and definitely getting frustrated. But knowing…"

He gave a sigh, swallowing.

"…Knowing kills me."

Izaya hummed. It had been about what he had expected and Shizuo's answer didn't exactly help, but he was more interested in the fact they had managed to carry on a civil conversation for a few minutes. He nodded. "Mm… thank you for the insight, Shizu-chan."

Shizuo gave a grunt in response.

Giving another sigh, Izaya stood. He brushed the back of his pants and shirt to make sure there wasn't anything sticking to him before beginning to head off before a thought occurred to him and he looked over his shoulder, frowning a bit.

"Shizu-chan?"

"What."

"Don't die, all right?"

Shizuo turned to stare at him tiredly, mumbling 'what kind of a fuckin' request is that?' and looked away, but Izaya smirked, seeing the trace of embarrassment in his features. He turned away and made his way back to the RV where Chikage sat in a lawn chair. Izaya raised an eyebrow and stopped by him.

"You're not trying to charm Namie-san?"

"There's a time and place for everything."

Izaya blinked but gave a nod, murmured 'switch with one of us when you get tired.' He hoisted himself into the RV and saw Namie on one of the beds, facing the wall and sheets to her shoulders. Izaya was quiet as he took the bed across from her, taking his time in kicking off his shoes and lying down on his back, fingers folded behind his head.

"Are you asleep?"

"…Yes."

He smirked.

"…I know something about Seiji that you'd be interested in."

It was silent for a minute and then Izaya heard her shifting. When he looked over, she was sitting up but it was to fluff her pillows before lying down again, back still towards him. He waited for her response; Namie had always been someone rather predictable, he thought, especially concerning Seiji. What he _assumed_ was that she'd immediately ask him about what he knew, so this silence was intriguing.

She was one to know he didn't lie. Not outright, not entirely, lied in a way that he could twist into still being the partial truth.

"I'm not in any mood for your jokes right now, Izaya," she murmured, a bit tightly and sharply. Izaya was pleasantly surprised, one corner of his lips gathered higher than the other.

"No sense of humor, aa?"

Silence.

_Well_ , Izaya thought as he closed his eyes and made himself comfortable in the bed, giving a ghost of a smirk that would disappear once he fell asleep.

_Can't say I didn't try._

**may 3, 4:36 a.m.**

Chikage was asleep and so was Namie. Twenty-four more minutes until it would be Shizuo's turn to keep watch.

Izaya zipped up his pre-prepared backpack and closed the door quietly behind him, gaze lingering before he began walking. Twenty four minutes would be enough for him to get away enough and disappear into the woods. Twenty four minutes would be fine, especially considering Shizuo usually needed about an extra ten to fifteen to properly wake up.

When he did realize, though, undoubtedly he'd get suspicious. So Izaya left a note, saying that he went to get some water to buy him maybe up an hour, if Shizuo assumed that Izaya would just sit by the riverbank. But by the time the three _did_ figure it out, it would be far too late.

Izaya had spent his two-hour watch duty staring at his arm, skin pale and luminescent in the moonlight. The wound hadn't healed completely but it was harder to notice immediately, especially in darkness and considering Izaya wore long sleeves. He'd run his fingers over it and while feeling scar tissue, the fact that he felt entirely fine had a smile quirking his lips.

_What a cruel, unfair world this is._

He'd originally sought Shizuo out for protection and while the threat of death was still imminent, at least he was immune. That made things a lot easier; that meant that he could sustain an injury but still be fine. That meant that Izaya had an upper hand, an upper hand that could be exploited. The safety in numbers didn't outweigh the potential risks his immunity would earn him, in terms of how the other three would treat him.

But what it came down to was that Izaya didn't _need_ them anymore. And when Orihara Izaya didn't need someone, he disposed of them. While staying with them meant a strength, it also meant compromise. It meant things like having to slow down for them, risking arguments, having to share scarce resources.

It also meant having to _deal with Shizuo._

That one conversation earlier had been pleasant in terms of them not killing each other or attempting to, but there was still a knot in Izaya's stomach, disgust swelling at having to _tolerate_ Shizuo. Izaya could physically force himself to do many things but his hatred for Shizuo, that passion he felt, could never be mitigated or hidden for too long.

Mind over matter but matter still existed.

Izaya had been doing remarkably well but once he realized his immunity, he felt a swell of the past, familiar hatred towards the man, suppressed previously by the desire to survive. His immunity made him powerful in his own way. It made Shizuo's strength seem far less attractive and once that incentive was lost, Shizuo was just Shizuo, the monster, the brute. Shizuo was _Shizuo_ and Izaya couldn't stand him.

He still hated him so much he could _kill him_.

Namie had been useful, in terms of her medical knowledge, but he was still annoyed that she had been so easy to read. And she was a prime example of having to undergo sacrifices; he didn't know if she'd wake up the next day and start driving back to Osaka or try to convince them to turn back, put them all under risk, delay them from finding Shinra and Celty just because of her little brother (who was dead but Izaya still hadn't told her that.)

In fact, he felt that leaving and taking that information was probably the kindest thing he'd ever done for her.

As for Chikage, Izaya just found him annoying in that he spent so much time flirting with a woman to try to make up for the ones he probably lost. But he was a good fighter; Izaya would admit that. But so was he; he'd be fine by himself.

Regardless of all those traits that had made them attractive (strength, healing, fighting) was outweighed by the core of their personalities (monstrous, obsessive, dishonest.)

Once he was a good distance away from the vehicle, he glanced back and smirked, a very signature Orihara Izaya smirk gracing his lips, moonlight casting shadows that made him look even more sinister.

_Goodbye._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yay this fic is progressing along about as i had expected which is always a good thing. thank you for reading, comments and kudos are appreciated!


	10. their sacrifice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> and then he heard the gunshot.

**may 3, 4:36 a.m.**

It was eerily quiet.

Izaya even kept from humming or skipping; he walked quietly and tried to minimize the sound of gravel crunching beneath his shoes. There had been times where he'd come back to his office to Namie previously asleep on his couch, sitting up from the sound of the lock of the door clicking. She'd just be running her fingers through her hair as he'd walk in and judging by the blanket and dimmed lights, it was easy for him to figure out she'd been taking a quick cat nap. He'd tease her about being relaxed enough to fall asleep and she'd just glare at him over her shoulder.

_"Why do you think I wake up when you come back?"_

Adjusting his backpack, Izaya didn't even bother looking back. Every decision he'd made since middle school was one without regrets; regrets led to doubt, leading to weakness, and Izaya refused to show any signs of that. Confidence was crucial to the type of life he led; a moment spent doubting or reflecting would mean a moment someone would take advantage of. He knew that the safety that being with others was gone if he left, but Izaya had decided it was worth it to be able to concentrate on _himself_ , use every resource he had to sustain _himself_.

He loved humans and he loved them, but that love wasn't self destructive and he wasn't going to give himself up for it.

They had passed a town a few miles back; with his gun and knife, Izaya was confident he'd be able to make it safely. He'd brought food with him; if any of the three had woken up while he was packing, he was ready to say that he had gotten hungry during night watch, knowing they would be too tired to question a very believable reason for Izaya shuffling around. The road had very few zombies, if any; while they were driving earlier that day, Izaya had been careful to examine both sides of the road. That was partly why he decided tonight had to be the night; good areas like this were rare.

He'd left the RV unattended but wasn't too concerned if, by change, a horde found it. They'd wake up at the first sound—Namie would, at least—and they'd be able to defend themselves. The three of them were very capable, especially together. That was the only thing Izaya would admit was nice about being with them.

He had made up his mind in Osaka, watching Shizuo. Izaya had put himself in danger by going back for him because Shizuo couldn't move from watching his _dog_ being eaten, some stray he picked up. Shizuo was too kind, too soft to survive in a world like this, and while he had initiated the partnership because of his strength, Izaya had neglected to consider his personality. And when he had just run off to avoid watching Kadota being killed, it only reaffirmed Izaya's decision. Someone like Shizuo, though able to kill those monsters, was too guided by emotion to be able to act decisively and quickly.

Izaya wasn't going to put himself at any sort of risk because of someone else.

And he more than looked forward to _finally_ being away from Shizuo.

He'd been cooped up in that RV for him for far too long. Even when they stopped, he was always very, very aware of Shizuo's presence. It made his blood curl, it made his stomach flip; it made Izaya feel disgusted, nauseated and he was barely able to suppress it for the sake of _teamwork_ and _survival._

When he decided he didn't need them, didn't need Shizuo anymore, it was absolutely liberating.

"Oi! Flea!"

_…Well then._

Stopping immediately, Izaya gave a sigh, more annoyed than anything. It was easy to know that it was Shizuo who had stopped him, judging solely on the way he was addressed (Namie would use something far more insulting, Chikage would use his name) and voice. He looked over his shoulder and gave Shizuo a dry smirk, hands in his pockets still. "Isn't it a bit past Shizu-chan's bed time?" he called.

"Where the hell do you think you're going?!" Shizuo demanded. He was walking quickly, much faster than Izaya had been, in his effort to stay quiet. The blond caught up to him and Izaya narrowly avoided being grabbed by his coat, ducking and giving a slight frown as he straightened.

"Leaving."

Shizuo looked livid. " _Why_?!"

Izaya was quick to notice that Shizuo had changed, finding it amusing that despite his obvious depression and hopelessness about everything, he found it in himself to don a new outfit. Or maybe that was because of it; he felt everything was pointless, so he changed.

 _Or maybe his old clothes had Kasuka's blood on it,_ he realized suddenly and was rather annoyed that hadn't been his first thought. They'd been on the road and keeping their clothes clean quickly became low priority. Izaya was wearing the same thing he'd been wearing when they first met up, save the few washes. Between staying alive and making sure they had energy, their appearance didn't matter that much anymore. Not even to Namie.

Well, a bit to Namie. But not so much to the other three.

Shizuo donned sweat pants and a t-shirt, looking more like pajamas than an actual outfit. Izaya's eyes swept past him and saw a clothesline hastily constructed, giving a dry smirk. "Ah, Shizu-chan did laundry… even made a little drying rack. Impressive…"

"What the hell do you think you're doin'?" he snapped, keeping his eyes on Izaya suspiciously, like he expected him to dart off mid-conversation.

"Shizu-chan managed to go there, wash his clothes, come back, hang them up, and _then_ notice I was gone? Impressive…!"

"I walked past you, you fuckin' moron! You were gone when I came back so I came looking for you! Thought you were goin' for some early mornin' stroll or some shit!"

Izaya looked surprised for a moment, depending on Shizuo's annoyance to not call him out on it. How lost in his own thoughts _was_ he to not notice Shizuo leaving? That inattentiveness was worrisome and he wasn't sure if he could brush it off as a onetime thing; not noticing his surroundings would be lethal.

_What is happening to me…? Troubling…_

"…I see," he murmured, easily falling back into his normal façade and nodding. "Shizu-chan can go back now."

"I'm not goin' back until you tell me what's goin' on!"

Distantly, Izaya heard an owl hooting at how loud Shizuo was, eyes narrowed. "Keep your voice down or you'll attract zombies."

Shizuo looked annoyed but he ran a hand through his hair. When he spoke again, it was quieter, voice gruff. "What are you doing? You're just goin' to leave? Fuckin' selfish ass…"

"Traveling with people is weighing me down," Izaya answered calmly. "Besides, this way you'll have one fewer mouth to feed and one fewer person to watch out for. Everyone wins, aa?"

"No!" he snapped, turning to glare at Izaya. "Not everyone wins! It'll be dangerous if you're out there on your own! Didn't you approach me so you didn't have to be alone?! What the hell changed your mind?!"

"Shizu-chan did," Izaya answered coolly, watching surprise glimmer in his features. "Mm… how do I explain this? Shizu-chan has been… well, Shizu-chan has been feeling like a _hindrance_."

"…Hindrance?" he echoed quietly, sounding quiet and Izaya mentally gave a heavy sigh; he didn't like dealing with emotional, self-doubting and loathing Shizuo. "…What do you mean?"

"Well," Izaya sighed, turning to face him fully, "Shizu-chan's been _incredibly_ emotional… over Vorona, my sisters, Kadota, Hachi… especially Kasuka."

He blinked and then his voice was loud again. _"What the fuck did you expect_?!" he yelled and despite expecting that reaction, Izaya was still annoyed by how loud he was, frowning. "He was my fuckin' _brother_! Of course I'm not some heartless asshole like you are! Some of us actually get upset over our family dying!"

"I didn't say Shizu-chan couldn't be upset," he continued quietly and calmly. "I'm saying Shizu-chan has, at times, been rendered entirely _useless_ because of his emotions. Shizu-chan's like dead weight sometimes. You hardly respond and I wonder if you're going to freeze like today; you couldn't even _move_ and I had to _come back and drag you away_. Shizu-chan can mourn. But I won't be around and let it put me at risk. Shizu-chan can be awfully selfish, yeah?"

He smirked. Shizuo had frozen while he was talking, head bowing and hands clenched. Izaya's gaze lingered for another moment, watched him and decided that Shizuo was probably going to be lost in his own thoughts for a bit. Turning, he began walking again. But he hadn't gone ten steps before Shizuo's voice rang out again, stopping him in his tracks.

"I'm not the selfish one."

"Oh?" he breathed, looking over his shoulder again, slightly surprised. While it wasn't odd for Shizuo to not agree with him, Izaya had been expecting the growing resentment and guilt to cause Izaya's words to actually affect him. The fact that he recovered quickly was a nice twist.

Izaya liked twists.

His head was still bowed and bangs along with the darkness made it difficult for Izaya to see his expression. Shizuo's shoulders were slightly rounded, hunching even more as he exhaled, repeating himself. "I'm not the selfish one," he mumbled. "…You are."

Izaya's brow knit. He shook his head and turned, feet beginning to carry him again, decided he didn't care and didn't have time for this.

But Shizuo kept talking, not caring if he was staying still or not.

"You're the selfish one for just leaving," he said, voice growing louder to make sure Izaya would be able to hear him. "You… when you're in a team, you have to make up for other's weaknesses! So, yeah, I'm fuckin' sorry about fucking up! But that's what you do when you work with someone! That's the whole point of working together. You're stronger because you cover each other's weak points! No wonder you're always fuckin' alone, you don't know how to be in a team!"

Izaya ignored him and kept walking. Shizuo swore and looked away, grumbling. One hand was on his hips while the other rose to run through his hair. Izaya kept walking but he kept his ears sharp, wanted to know what Shizuo was going to do. It would be far too easy to just walk away; Izaya was prepared to find some way to knock Shizuo unconscious if he needed to. Shizuo didn't give up but neither did Izaya.

"If you keep walking, I'm going to start following!" he heard snapped out of frustration. That elicited a dry laugh and Izaya turned again.

"And why is Shizu-chan _so concerned_ about me?" he asked in a mocking manner. "I thought you hated me."

"I do," Shizuo growled, not missing a single beat. "But…"

"But?" Izaya prompted.

It was quiet. For a moment, Izaya thought Shizuo had nothing to say. But when he looked at Shizuo again, he knew that that wasn't the case; Shizuo was looking at him with an odd mix of hate and anger and annoyance but also something close to intrigue and disbelief. Shizuo's expression was strange, but nothing about Shizuo was even close to normal.

Finally, he spoke:

"…You're human. "

Izaya blinked.

"And," Shizuo continued, "it's our duty to help each other out and protect them. No matter what kind of a shitty ass personality you have and how selfish you are… you're still a human."

Shizuo fell silent again and Izaya just stared at him. His last words weighed in his mind and felt some sort of a veil left at Shizuo's blunt, honest words. Despite his immunity, he realized numbly, he was still human. He was still capable of dying. Just because he wouldn't rise as the undead didn't mean he couldn't die and he would still need someone to watch his back.

He suppose he may have underestimated what it would take to be alone in _this_ world. Before the world went to hell, he was good at being alone, could easily make the connections he needed to further himself. But in this world, it would be much harder. There were fewer people to take advantage of and those few people would be far, far harder to gain the trust of and manipulate. If they had survived to this point, they wouldn't be the type of people Izaya normally sought out.

Despite what he thought about staying with them weighing him down, it was easy for Izaya to figure out that the benefits of having a group quickly outweighed that one negative. Even Shizuo, emotional as he was, could channel that anger, the way he had in Osaka. They'd worked well together; when they had a mutual enemy, both of them could focus on them, momentarily not suffocated by the fact that they hated each other.

This had probably been one of their calmest conversations. And as Izaya stared at him, he wondered if Shizuo had always been able to be this calm around him, or if the gravity of the world tired him out too much to try to kill him at every moment.

Whatever the reason, Shizuo was right.

It disgusted Izaya to admit that, to think that, but Shizuo was _right_.

"Fine."

Giving a sigh, Izaya began walking towards him rather slowly. Shizuo looked up, almost as if surprised that this was all it took. Izaya walked past him, hesitated for only a moment and a ghost of a curve hinted at his lips.

"I'll stay."

He looked over his shoulder and smirked, adding two words that had Shizuo looking disgusted and annoyed.

"For Shizu-chan."

**may 3, 9:37 a.m.**

"Are we there yet?"

"I don't fuckin' know."

"…But… you're driving…"

" _You want me to punch you?!_ "

Remembering the last time Shizuo had punched him, Chikage took a step back, returning to the booths, steps shuffling a bit. Izaya was in the seat opposite of the one he chose, glancing at his shoulder when he winced a bit, having pressed that hand to the table as he sat down slowly. "Will you be able to defend yourself?"

"Haa…? Yeah, of course," he mumbled with a frown. "Something like this won't keep me down."

It was amazing, the difference in the way he addressed Shizuo and Izaya and then Namie.

After returning to the vehicle last night, Shizuo had checked his clothes before heading back to bed. Izaya climbed on and quickly put his backpack down, returning to the seat after assuring Shizuo he wouldn't leave again. Shizuo had regarded him warily and Izaya knew that until Namie woke up an hour later, Shizuo probably hadn't fully allowed himself to sleep.

Izaya had climbed into the cot above the one Shizuo slept in after a few hours, deciding he could at least use a little bit of rest. He slept for less than two hours before he was up again, climbing down the railing and catching sight of Shizuo with a piece of paper in his hand. He hadn't brought it up since, but Izaya did see him staring at the crumpled note Kasuka left him often. Shizuo noticed him once he was on the ground and he glared, muttering 'what're you lookin' at?' as he stood and slipped the note back into his wallet.

Izaya smirked.

"Is that your reason to keep living?"

Izaya's expression was malicious but his tone wasn't and Shizuo picked up on it. His clothes were dry, having been brought in by Namie, and Shizuo gave a nod as he began stripping, changing into them. "…Yeah."

His smirk remained, murmured 'whatever works for Shizu-chan' as he headed over to the table, where Namie was setting out breakfast, Chikage already sitting there helping out and continuing to try to flirt, despite her immediate shut-downs. Izaya gave a smirk at him and took a seat, waiting to be served. Shizuo came over once he was changed and the seat next to Izaya was empty and much more accessible. He stared but decided to wait until Namie had moved and sat next to Chikage instead, scowling at Izaya.

Namie glared at him. "It's too early for that."

Breakfast was quick and they were on the road again, Shizuo driving this time, making up for not having been on watch very long last night (he realized only after waking that he was supposed to keep watch after coming back; Namie wasn't too pleased with having an extra hour of watch, but she decided she didn't want to argue with him.) Namie had commented on Shizuo's "odd" behavior when she went to offer him part of an apple, saying that she'd expected him to sleep the entire day away, the way he had with Kasuka.

Kadota had died and Hachi had died, but Shizuo was eating and functioning better than anyone had anticipated. He'd shrugged at her words, taken the apple. _"Can't let them have died in vain, I guess."_

Izaya was pleased that Shizuo had actually _listened_ to him. He didn't talk much and was almost expressionless, save the glares towards Izaya. It was a nice change from how he usually was and what made Izaya even more satisfied was knowing that his words had affected Shizuo. As long as Shizuo could be productive while grieving, Izaya didn't mind if Shizuo had a permanent glare. It was what he wanted.

If Shizuo was too emotional, then Izaya supposed he would be not emotional enough. Shizuo let every event affect him on a personal level and Izaya brushed it off, continued to move forward. He was focused and Shizuo got distracted by the tragedy surrounding them. It was just one more thing that they were on opposite ends of the spectrum on.

He saw Namie's eyes flit up when Chikage walked by her. They were back on her magazine as she asked 'how's your shoulder feeling?' in her plain, monotonous murmur.

He seemed surprised to be addressed and gave a charming smile, dropping to his knee in front of her and took off his hat. "Much better than yesterday, thanks to your efficient medical attention, Namie-san!"

"You could've just said 'better.'"

"But that wouldn't have conveyed my gratitude!"

Rokujou Chikage, Izaya knew, was the leader of the Toromaru and a ladies man, explaining the constant flirting with Namie and exaggerated chivalry act. Kadota had told him that the gang was wiped out before they'd arrived in Osaka and he had nodded.

_"What about his entourage of girls?"_

_Kadota frowned, shrugging. "I'm not sure. I didn't ask him."_

Izaya had smirked but ultimately let the subject drop. It wasn't that hard to piece it together.

He'd gone back to reading his book (rather, it was Shizuo's book) and tuned out Chikage's voice and Namie's mumbles. They pulled up to Hiroshima rather quickly; without the stops they found themselves making, it actually didn't take too long to go between cities. Izaya still had Shinra's note in his pocket and had already decided to chastise him about it, ask what he would've done if they didn't find the note.

Shinra really needed to think things through sometimes, through meaning including more people than just Celty and himself. That would be the first lecture Izaya would deliver.

Izaya looked out the window as the vehicle rolled to a stop and saw that Shizuo had chosen the memorial park. Izaya raised an eyebrow. "How cliché and expected. Is this all Shizu-chan knows about Hiroshima?"

"Shut up," Shizuo mumbled, pulling the key out once the engine had died down. He tossed it to Izaya without looking at him and was the first out of the RV. Thin lips drew into a frown at his attitude (this change was _bit_ drastic from last night), but glancing out the front window, he saw a small grave, cross in the ground. Moments later, Shizuo appeared in the view again, holding a few flowers he probably picked from nearby, setting them down and bowing his head for a moment.

_How like Shizu-chan. Pay respect for people he didn't even know._

_"Well, someone's got to remember 'em."_

Izaya was disgusted he could actually _hear_ Shizuo's retort to his own comments in his head.

_How rude, Shizu-chan. Don't appear in other people's thoughts._

He followed him out and heard the door slamming shut once the other two were as well. He'd admit it did feel different; it had only been for a few hours, but having Kadota did make things livelier. And Hachi's panting and the sounds of his feet padding along to catch up with Shizuo did fill the silence between human footsteps. They'd lost a third of their group in one go (did it count as one third if Hachi was a dog?) and Izaya supposed it did make quite a difference.

_Never mind._

_No time to focus on that._

Izaya watched Shizuo's back as he walked, trailing a bit behind him. Sadness emanated; Izaya felt like it was a cloak over his being, one that he couldn't shed easily, one that maybe he didn't even want to shed. The past few days had worn on Shizuo more than anyone else.

That was the downside to forming relationships the way Shizuo did, Izaya thought dryly.

It hurt when they ended.

"So," the informant heard from behind him, "what convinced you to travel with those two?"

Namie gave Chikage a tired look. He really was relentless. "I'm looking for someone."

"Seiji, is it?" he asked with dramatic sigh, feigning hurt as he held a hand over his heart. "The fair maiden's heart has already been stolen…"

"He's my brother," she said shortly.

Chikage brightened.

"Ah, so are you looking for a love interest?"

Izaya gave a smirk, decided to eavesdrop on their conversation.

"Don't even try. He's both her brother _and_ love interest. How efficient of you, Namie-san."

"Die."

Izaya had to commend Chikage for taking the news gracefully. It wasn't as though Izaya went around telling people about Namie's feelings, but he certainly expected reactions that had to take a moment to be quelled. Without missing a beat, though, Chikage turned to Namie and offered another smile, never once letting anything other than pleasantry show on his expression. "Then I'll have to fight for your love."

Namie gave a short huff and her strides became longer, trying to walk faster than he could. But Chikage's long legs matched her pace with little difficulty, seeming even more amused by her reaction, offering another grin. "You're pretty hot."

She glared at him.

"You're almost as bad as Izaya."

He didn't seem deterred by her words. If anything, he was more drawn to her; he remembered her name from a brief chat room conversation, wasn't sure if she recognized him as well. He began to talk about how it was a nice day, not minding that Namie said nothing; his good hand reached out to tug at hers and, out of reflex, moved to walk on the side of her exposed to the street, despite there being no cars. She had resorted to entirely ignoring him, but he was fine with it.

The memorial park was oddly empty of zombies. It was a good thing, but Chikage had learned to not let his guard down; the last time he did, it had cost several lives and it still haunted him, led to restless nights of sleep. His face darkened for a moment but he shook it off when Shizuo asked what was wrong, having glanced over his shoulder just to make sure he wasn't walking off on his own.

"How are we finding Shinra?" Shizuo grumbled, kicking at the wall of the museum building they finally reached. "This place is fuckin' huge."

"He might not be in the park, Shizu-chan," Izaya chirped. "Shizu-chan might be the only one who thinks this is all of Hiroshima."

"I don't think that, and I meant the whole goddamn city! How stupid do you think I am?!"

"Ah—"

" _Don't answer that_!"

Shaking her head at them, Namie peered around their surroundings. She shivered for a moment at the wind and frowned slightly, feeling Chikage drape his coat over her shoulders. "He's probably at the university," she said, grasping the coat and pulling it closer together, not even wanting to _imagine_ Chikage's cheeky grin. "They have a laboratory and it could be well protected. We should check there first."

"As expected of my beautiful and capable secretary," Izaya murmured, smirking as she shot him another tired glare. The four began walking again, trusting Izaya to lead them to the university. Shizuo fell to the back of the group, strolling along amiably; Namie was annoyed that he seemed to lag further and further from the group and eventually waited for him to catch up, waving off Chikage and telling him to make sure Izaya wasn't intending on screwing them over.

"You're slow," she stated bluntly.

He stared at her for a moment as if he didn't recognize her, mumbling 'sorry' afterwards. His feet continued to shuffle along the ground and Namie found she had to walk slowly to match his pace. She could still keep the other two in her view and was satisfied; she trusted Chikage to keep Izaya from running off while making sure they didn't fall behind.

An apocalypse did things to people, she thought dryly.

Things like making them trust others for small matters.

"What's it like?" she asked quietly.

"What?"

"…What does it feel like? The closure."

She didn't expect Shizuo to answer immediately. They had walked almost an entire block in silence when he finally did, starting out with a heavy sigh. She said nothing but was growing rather impatient on the inside; she could understand why he took a while to answer but that didn't mean it didn't _annoy_ her. Or the sighs. He sighed a lot of that recently.

"…It's not as comforting as I thought it would be," he started. "And at first, it felt like it would kill me. I thought having a definite answer would make me feel better, no matter what, but… I guess it's because I genuinely expected him to be alive. That's what hope does. It makes you expect the best so when you get the worst, it kills you."

Namie shivered again and she bowed her head, letting Shizuo's (more than expected) words sink in. Thinking about Seiji made her stomach lurch, something that it hadn't done until recently. It didn't take too long for her to realize it was because she had watched what Shizuo went through. Like him, she had been expecting Seiji to be alive. She kept telling herself to be prepared otherwise, but deep down, she had already convinced herself that he was alive.

She was making the same mistake he had been.

Thinking about Seiji being dead was too much for her. She couldn't imagine a world without Seiji; she'd give anything for his happiness, but the world was gone and she couldn't even find him and protect him. Her baby brother. She had no idea where he was, how he was, who he was with, and it was driving her to what felt like the brink of insanity. She was able to swallow it but there were moments where she felt short of breath, like she was too weak to even keep herself standing.

"…Seiji's alive."

Namie hadn't realized she said it out loud until she did; it was a mumble but Shizuo definitely picked up on it. She looked at him to see how he was reacting and his empty smile had her frowning.

"…Yeah. I really hope he is."

Izaya glanced at the two behind him. He and Chikage had stopped walking to wait for them to catch up and he'd heard a bit of their conversation. Izaya was good at his poker face, and so he didn't have to look away, but looking at Namie did remind him of what he knew.

How he _should_ tell her.

When he _should_ tell her.

_But not now. I need her focused so we can find Shinra._

"There's the university," he said, gesturing with his chin. "There are a few zombies, but nothing we can't handle. We should be safe if we can get inside that building. As usual, don't use your guns unless you _absolutely_ have to, understand?"

"Yeah."

"Sounds good."

Nodding at the responses, Izaya turned to Namie, about to prompt her. But the woman's eyes were focused beyond him and Izaya had a bad feeling in his gut, yet his hands didn't reach out fast enough to grab her before she had sprinted past him, ' _Seiji?!'_ sounding in a gasp.

Izaya was pissed off that Namie chose _now_ to become delusional.

Swearing, he spun around and the three began to run after her; with adrenaline pumping through her veins, an adrenaline that could only be produced at the idea of Seiji, they were almost unable to keep up with her. Her ankle nearly twisted and collapsed at some treacherous landings, but she was able to keep running, long legs carrying her over the green expanse. Distantly, she heard her name being called but the blood rushing through her was almost deafening; all she could focus on was Seiji right there in front of her, _Seiji_ being so close…

Reaching a hand out, her fingers brushed against a shoulder.

"Seiji…"

Namie gave a smile, a warm one, with soft eyes. Her spirits instantly felt lifted; she saw brown hair and a stature that was exactly like Seiji's, even the jacket she'd given him for his birthday. The figure began turning around slowly and her good mood immediately disappeared, her eyes widened, she felt like someone had drenched her in cold water and then electrocuted her.

In her time at working with Izaya, she had read several of his books in her free time or when she just didn't want to listen to him. Some of them had been medicine and psychology related, as she was always looking to expand her knowledge. It was commonly known, but she understood that under high pressure, the brain could produce hallucinations. Under extreme stress, the brain would do things and delude her.

She hadn't slept properly, rested properly, barely eaten properly for days.

And combined with her desperation, it wasn't too farfetched for her to see a figure with brown hair and similar stature and assume it to be Seiji.

But it wasn't.

The zombie gave a grown and Namie gasped, stumbled back and tried to find the knife she kept on herself. But with her hands shaking and still feeling disoriented from shock, her movements were slow. She was trying to catch her balance, staring into the whites of the zombie's eyes, mentally kicking herself for being _so stupid_.

She distantly heard a voice—probably Shizuo's—but braced herself for searing pain. She heard another voice, this time closer and not Shizuo's, and eyes opened in time to see Chikage in front of her, slipping in the space between her and the zombie, a hand on her shoulder and managing to push her back just as decaying teeth sunk into the crook of his neck.

"Chikage…!"

**april 23, 9:34 a.m.**

_"NON!"_

_The gates had closed and he knew he had no way to reopen them but was still yelling at the guard. He grabbed at the railing and shook desperately, but he didn't have Heiwajima Shizuo's superhuman strength; there was no way he could open them. Watching helplessly, Chikage sank to his knees and was shaking as he watched the zombies ripping apart his girlfriends. His breathing was ragged and fingers loosened, yet were still furled around the metal._

_They shouldn't even have_ been _here. It had been Chikage's idea; he said it would be fun to visit. And now here they were and it was entirely his fault; he should've made sure they were through the gate before him, he thought, everything was because of him and now there was nothing he could do._

_"N-Non… Kana… Sienna… Kiyomin…"_

_His face was growing increasingly pale, ignoring some of the members of his gangs pulling at his arms, trying to lift him. He couldn't stop staring at the zombies attacking the girls, hearing their screams echoing. He thought they were in front of him; he thought they were already beyond the gate, he thought they were already safe and he couldn't believe he'd let his guard down, should've made absolute sure before he went through them himself. Between the mobs of people and zombies, it was growing hard for him to keep track of everyone._

_But that was no excuse; he'd promised them he'd take care of them and he had failed._

_He thought he was the last of them to cross the line and yelled for the gates to be closed, thinking the zombies would be kept out and everyone would be safe. But he heard a scream and turned around just as he heard metal clanging and saw Non looking absolutely terrified, fear seizing his own body. He reached a hand out and their fingers had just barely brushed before she was snatched back, screaming again as skin and flesh were ripped off of her body._

_"Chikage! Chikage, we've got to go!_ Chikage!"

**may 3, 9:47 a.m.**

_At least I could save one person…_

"My lady," he murmured with a strained smile, "I hope you'll find your happiness. It has been a pleasure to know you."

More zombies were coming and he'd put a sword through the one that bit him, but he made no move to head towards the building that was just beyond them. Shizuo and Izaya had caught up with them and Chikage took a moment to bow and brush his lips against Namie's cheek. He heard a murmured 'idiot' in the least scathing tone yet and smiled, murmuring 'a man's duty is to protect a woman.'

"Take care of her," he said, eyes turning to the other two when he pulled back, a hand reached up to try and keep the collar of his shirt to his wound. His gaze flickered to behind them, seeing a horde approaching them and stepped around the two men, taking his weapon out and unsheathing it. "I'll never forgive you if you let harm come to her."

Shizuo's eyes fell on his neck and he gave a stiff nod, murmured 'let's go' to Namie and a gruff 'thanks' to Chikage. Izaya held eye contact with him for a moment before also nodding and began to walk, yet paused for just a moment to murmur 'you hardly knew her.'

Chikage smirked.

"Duty doesn't depend on how well you know someone."

"Your _duty_ has gotten you killed."

"Then," Chikage said and looked at Izaya coldly, "at least I _die_ knowing I was true to myself and with no regrets."

Looking at him for another moment, Izaya murmured 'whatever suits you' and hurried to catch up with the other two.

Chikage's heart was racing as they approached; he knew it was futile and yet wouldn't die without fighting until his very last breath. The pain from his shoulder and neck had dulled with the sudden rush of adrenaline and he was even smirking, as he moved in, blade of his weapon slicing through their decayed flesh, hardly even batting an eye at the guts and blood spilling.

His shoulder throbbed and blood loss was beginning to wear on him, but he still refused to show the slightest sign of weakness. The least he could do, he thought, was try to make it easier for them to escape later. Even if it was too late for him, it wasn't for them; the one thing he _could_ now control was whether or not he died fighting or died running.

He'd lost his girlfriends and he'd lost his gang, but he hadn't lost every chance to protect anyone.

"Aah, you want some too?!" he snarled, eyes crinkling with a grin as his weapon went through the zombie's eye. He kicked at the chest to shove the body back and immediately turned to the next one, hardly minding the teeth that tried to bite at him.

He was already infected; he had no fear of that anymore.

"Don't worry, there's enough of me for all of you!"

His eyes glanced at the building and gave one last smirk before the lightheadedness was impossible to ignore and he could hardly move anymore, limbs more or less being dragged. The zombies eventually managed to grab him and he grunted, winced.

_You two better protect her with your lives…_

He swore, gave a pained groan but refused to show any more weakness beyond that at the feeling of teeth on flesh, of fingers grabbing at him, his own blood running down his limbs.

_I'm sorry, Non…_

**may 3, 10:31 a.m.**

"Don't tell me you've started falling for him…?"

Silence.

Izaya already knew the answer; Yagiri Namie's love for her little brother was all encompassing and he doubted that she'd ever be able to feel anything besides disdain for anyone else. The words were met with a silence from her and Shizuo's glare, but he gave a shrug.

"What's done is done," he said easily. "It was his choice. Shizu-chan, I'd expect that sort of reaction, but you…?"

"It's probably because people have died _because_ of you, but never _for_ you," Namie said stiffly, Izaya's eyes watching as she pulled the coat tighter around herself. "Figures. There's no one would be willing to do so anyway."

"My… is it possible that you're feeling _guilt_ , Namie-san?"

Izaya was silent as she stalked off, the heels of her shoes clicking against the hallway. He let her walk off by herself and took a moment to look back through the glass doors. A swarm of zombies had gathered and it was easy to assume why; his gaze shifted to Shizuo and wasn't surprised to see him focusing his eyes in the opposite direction.

 _How annoying,_ he thought and began to head towards where Namie had gone. _Dying for someone instead of because of someone? Ludicrous._

Despite how often Izaya would insist that Namie was an awful woman, and he was right in some respects, there would be times where a glimmer of actual humanity would show through. This situation exasperated it; he'd seen her at, arguably, the most human she'd ever been. Upon finding her, of course, she was as frigid as ever. And in some ways, she still was; the world would end before Yagiri Namie showed the same compassion and _love_ she showed Seiji to anyone else.

She was a headstrong woman and stubborn, but, it appeared, she was capable of feeling guilt to some degree. Growing up lonely, she'd probably never thought someone would die for her the way Chikage had. Or maybe she believed that someone would; Izaya didn't find it farfetched at all to say that Yagiri Namie held herself in such a light.

But then someone really did and the guilt was all consuming and she wasn't sure how to handle it.

He was smirking before he knew it.

_How interesting… I didn't even have to set up this situation for these reactions._

"Where's Shinra?"

His smirk dropped immediately and he turned to glance at Shizuo, noting that his head was still bowed, his voice sounding tight. The man's hands were in his pockets and there was a shuffle to his walk; Izaya recognized that he was trying not to be overly emotional, as he'd criticized him of being, but Shizuo wasn't very good at hiding how he felt.

Chikage wasn't even that _close_ to him.

"Mm… I think we should just look around. He's got to be around here somewhere, aa?"

His tone was light, his voice was easy; he spoke like nothing was wrong, like he didn't hear the groans of the undead from outside and walking through an abandoned building that was supposed to be lively was entirely normal for him.

"What the hell is wrong with you?"

Izaya gave a hum but he still walked a few more steps before stopping. Shizuo had stopped in the middle of the hallway and was staring at him, eyes tired but still angry, bags under them but brows knit above. He'd straightened a little and Izaya watched impassively the way Shizuo's eyes flickered and his jaw moved as his teeth grinded together. Finally giving a languid shrug and a lazy smirk, he tilted his head. "What do you mean?"

"How can you not _care_?!" he snarled, taking a step closer and grabbing Izaya by his coat, forcing him to stand on his toes.

_So much for not reacting too emotionally…_

"After all this… after so many bodies, after seeing your sisters, after walking away from Chikage being eaten alive, after _shooting Kadota through the head,_ how can you not even look like you give a shit?! Are you even fuckin' human? How do you go about living and not even show the slightest regret for the loss of human life?! _What if it was you_?!"

His eyes narrowed and he clicked his tongue at the last few words. A hand raised and pressed to Shizuo's chest, took a few attempts to convince Shizuo to step back (because, after all, Izaya very hardly initiated physical contact of any kind.) He fixed his coat and glared at him.

"Because someone in this group has to keep a cool head," he murmured. "Someone has to be clear minded enough to make decisions and not get stuck on what can't be undone. The past is the past and dwelling on it won't do anything."

He gave a quiet 'tch' under his breath and turned, beginning to walk again.

"You must be constantly evolving."

Izaya's hand was around his knife, knowing that there was a good chance Shizuo would try to attack him. He wasn't planning on killing him, but if it came down to it, if Shizuo proved to be more useless than useful, Izaya would have to get rid of him.

This was different from his hate for Shizuo; this was survival and Izaya would do _anything_ to survive.

Hearing another growl, Izaya began pulling his knife out of his pocket. He could tell Shizuo was growing angry; it was almost eerily silent as Izaya stopped and knew that Shizuo was still as well, probably just glaring at him, feeling rage grow.

Had it not been for Namie suddenly sprinting down the stairs, there was a very good chance that the two were going to end up fighting each other. But seeing the woman breathless and actually showing a flicker of fear, something clicked in both of their minds; Izaya immediately glanced at Shizuo and he nodded, understanding.

_It's not safe._

_We'll take care of_ this _later._

"Zombies," she breathed. "They're everywhere and they saw me, so they're coming. There's no way Shinra's in here; the entire second floor's destroyed."

"Is the front safe?" Izaya asked and Shizuo shook his head.

"They're probably done."

 _Eating Chikage_ went unspoken.

"Shit… fine, then the back?"

"Completely swarmed… those damn things probably saw us or heard us or smelled us. Fuckin-!"

Loud moans silenced Shizuo's voice. In unison, all three turned to look at the staircase Namie had emerged from and bolted in the opposite direction without a second thought. A door swung open and Shizuo was flying up the stairs, taking two at a time. A few stragglers were killed easily and Izaya had one hand holding his knife and the other holding onto the railing as he rounded corners, using momentum to his advantage. He barked 'third floor' at Shizuo when he stopped at the door leading to the second and he nodded, continuing the ascent.

By some stroke of luck, when Shizuo opened the door, the hallways were clear. Izaya pulled Namie in, steadying her as she stumbled from the force as Shizuo slammed the door shut and used a wooden board laying around to slide through the handles, keeping the doors closed. He looked around and was panting, mumbling 'follow me' and broke into a sprint again.

"Do you have any idea where you're going?"

"Hell no!"

Heiwajima Shizuo would not be winning any motivational speech awards.

His shoes squeaked against the ground at a sudden stop, hand on the wall and leaving a sizable dent. Zombies rounded the corner and Shizuo turned to consider the other direction, but more zombies were gathering. The sound of their entrance probably attracted them; that or their smell, he thought, but Shizuo wasn't going to linger to think.

He turned towards the locked door and jiggled the handle once before ripping it off its hinges. Izaya instinctively backed Namie to a wall, wanted to know where she was _every single second_ based on this morning's _mishap_. He trusted Shizuo to empty out the room; he would be more than capable of doing so. He heard squelching and the sounds of chairs breaking, ignoring Namie pressing against him, snapping 'I can take care of myself.'

"You do stupid things when you're emotional," he muttered in a low voice and she immediately fell silent, though he just _knew_ she was still glaring. Knife in his hand, he left her only to kill the ones that were getting too close. He was beginning to get used to the blood splatter, feeling it hit him and the feeling of driving a weapon into a human body. The fact that he was getting accustomed was slightly worrisome, but, at the moment, Izaya had more pressing concerns to attend to.

"Shizu-chan," he called, scanning the vicinity quickly and seeing how many other zombies were approaching, "do you mind _hurrying up_?!"

"I'm fuckin' trying! Shut up!"

He gave an annoyed sigh and kicked a body away. Izaya swung his weapon but the zombie had been crouching; it straightened to its full height and all he was able to do was slash its throat.

Which would kill a normal human, but not a zombie.

The momentary lapse in his rhythm affected him; Izaya couldn't bring his arm up fast enough to defend himself (even with immunity, he didn't want to be _bitten_.) But a flash of brown suddenly appeared; Namie had slipped out from behind him and used her own knife to drag it across the zombie's head, watch the blade cut through its brains. Her foot kicked the body away and glanced over her shoulder, murmured "I'm not useless, you know" and Izaya smirked, accepted her hand to stand.

"Of course not. Why else would I have hired you?"

Holding her glare with his smirk a moment longer, Izaya drew his hand back, returned is attention to the horde encroaching upon them. He didn't know what could possibly be taking Shizuo that long; he'd known him to take out three at once if he was _really_ mad, and he decided that today would be a day where he was _really_ mad. Izaya wished he had a longer knife; it would take him a while to get used to, but he was sure that it would be much more convenient.

His heart was racing; another zombie was taken care of but he heard Namie yell his name. Turning immediately, Izaya's eyes widened, swearing as he tried to fall back to avoid being bit. But he was met with wall; there was nowhere to escape—

-but suddenly Namie's body was against his and his breath stilled, watched the zombie get close-

_It's probably because people have died because of you, but never for you. Figures. There's no one would be willing to do so anyway._

-and so Izaya's hand moved robotically to drive the blade into the zombie's skull and pull it off of her as quickly as he could, but he still felt his blood run cold.

"HURRY UP!"

Shizuo's baritone voice drew him out of his trance and Izaya murmured 'don't move' and picked her up, felt blood on her shirt, wet against his fingers. He rushed into the room and stared at Shizuo, already halfway out the window, staring at him. His mouth opened and immediately:

"No _fucking_ way."

"I'll catch you," he explained, giving a curt nod and Izaya watched him jump out. He ran over and stared in disbelief as Shizuo landed on the ground and then looked up like nothing was wrong. His arms were held out, calling 'hurry up.' Years of breaking and healing led to bones of steel, Izaya thought numbly.

Shizuo had _years_.

Izaya _didn't_.

He was hesitant; his grip on Namie tightened for a moment. But he looked behind him and could see zombies fighting to get through the small door—those things were _stupid_ , he thought—and gave a slow breath.

"Ladies first."

Namie nodded and swallowed. He set her down and helped her out the window, letting go of her hand and watching as she fell through the air, having jumped without a second thought, without a single moment to begin hesitating. A three story fall may not take that long but watching and knowing he'd be next made it feel by eternity. Only a small part of Izaya felt relieved when he saw Shizuo catch her without fail, setting her down and she seemed entirely fine, though the red on her shirt had his stomach lurching.

The problem was that Shizuo didn't hold a deathly grudge against her.

"…Shizu-chan's not going to purposely miss, right?"

"Hurry the fuck up or I will!"

"…That's not reassuring."

"IZAYA, HURRY THE _FUCK UP._ "

He looked behind his shoulder again. The zombies had figured out five at a time weren't working and one was staggering towards him once they realized the concept of taking turns. One leg over the sill, Izaya balanced carefully on the ledge as the other one was brought over. He stared at Shizuo for several seconds, realized he'd be putting more trust in him in this single moment that he'd ever put in anyone over the course of his entire life.

The thought was sickening.

But hearing a moan almost right by his ear, Izaya pushed off.

His eyes had closed and actually falling felt even longer than watching. He could hardly move and there was nothing to grab on to or steady himself; Izaya's heart was racing and he felt the most panic he'd felt up to that point well up inside of him, thinking _I'm dying, I'm dying, I'm dying._

He hadn't expected Shizuo catching him to hurt that much.

Eyes flickered open and the throbbing on his back and back of his knees faded quickly as they began to spring towards where the RV was parked, navigating through the zombies. Izaya pulled his gun out and shot at the ones that were getting too close for comfort. Namie was doing the same, though her aim wasn't as good as his, but she at least slowed them down and killed nearly all of the ones she aimed at.

Izaya tossed Shizuo the keys, as he was the closest. He unlocked it quickly and the three jumped in, Izaya pulling the door shut as Shizuo was starting the car and stepping on the pedal before he'd even sat down. Izaya heard and felt bodies being crushed and run into, but he turned his attention to Namie, eyes focused on her shoulder as she began shrugging her shirt off, hands shaking a bit.

He looked at her.

"How do you feel?"

Her breathing was heavy and her face was pale, but she wasn't feverish to the touch and Izaya gave a nod. Shizuo kept barking 'oi, what's happening back there?' At one point, Shizuo had turned to look at them but immediately looked away, a hint of a blush on his cheeks and Namie mumbled 'you've never seen a woman in a bra?'

"Keep driving, Shizu-chan," Izaya mumbled, inspecting her skin where the zombie's teeth had been closest to. He frowned and ran his fingers over her flesh, slowly pulling back and looking at her, eyes narrowed.

"Tell me what's going on!"

"I'd rather not risk you crashing from a rollercoaster of emotion," Izaya murmured a bit slowly, sounding distracted.

"I'LL FUCKING CRASH RIGHT NOW BECAUSE I'M MAD!"

Izaya ignored him, even as Shizuo kept yelling, the only voice in the RV. Izaya opened his mouth but Namie's hand suddenly reached up, taking hold of his and she looked at him, her eyes keeping his locked. Izaya hesitated, staring back at her before giving a sigh and swallowing.

Eyes closed.

"…She's been bit."

She let go of his hand.

**may 3, 5:39 a.m.**

_"You still want to find him, don't you?"_

_Namie didn't answer._

_It was early in the morning and Shizuo and Chikage were asleep. Izaya had to give his word several times for Shizuo to trust that he wouldn't try to leave again and an hour passed before Namie woke up. She walked past him to wash up in the stream, coming back and immediately taking the passenger seat. Izaya had been reading (he never slept for very long anyway) and raised an eyebrow at her. "Willingly sitting by me? My…"_

_"It's my shift."_

_Blinking in surprise, Izaya fumbled around until he found an alarm clock they had picked up to keep track of time. He nodded once he saw the time, but leaned back in the seat. "I'm not tired."_

_"Even you need sleep."_

_"I did sleep."_

_"You need to sleep more."_

_"Are you worried about me, Namie-san?"_

_"No, but it's troubling you're behind the wheel. Switch with me."_

_"No."_

_Flipping another page in his book, he glanced up; silence from Namie was uncharacteristic and he was suspicious but also curious. She wasn't one to bite her nails, so she'd press her fingers to her lips when she was thinking or nervous. Izaya watched the pads of her fingers touch against her bottom lip, skimming over them as she stared out the window. The other hand cupped her elbow, arm across her stomach and her brows were knit, long hair falling over her shoulders. Izaya reached a hand out to brush the strands back, eliciting a sharp jolt and a distrustful look._

_"Ah, don't' mind me. I just enjoy that look of unsettlement and anxiety on your face."_

_"Asshole."_

_Izaya closed his book and moved the seat back to be able to cross his legs. "You're still thinking about going back to Osaka, aren't you?"_

_He could see her arm twitch out of reflex to bring her fingers to her lips but she didn't._

_"Well," he murmured as he heard scuffling behind them, "Shizu-chan and Chikage won't let you go. Personally, you do prove some use, but not much when you're moody."_

_She clicked her tongue._

_Izaya smirked._

_"Tell me, Namie-san. How do you do it? Act like absolutely everyone is scum but drop everything for that one person…"_

_"It's simple," she murmured. "It's loving someone."_

_She looked over, gave a ghost of smirk that Izaya didn't appreciate._

_"Or, you know, some people call it hate."_

**may 3, 4:29 p.m.**

"…You don't seem that upset."

Namie gave a shrug and smoothed her skirt. Shizuo reached a hand up to scratch his head, averting his eyes. Clearing his throat, he glanced at her again before turning, grunting and grasped his hair, the heel of his palm against his forehead. "You… you don't even…"

"I don't want to wait until then."

"…You look… _fine_. I just…"

Namie was quiet as Shizuo just stammered. Once they had stopped, Shizuo had gotten out to clear his mind, try to calm himself at the idea of losing _another_ person. He'd taken a walk and was surprised that he didn't feel any tears; he just felt exhaustion and dread, fatigue wearing his bones thin and misery dragging his feet. He heaved a sigh and turned around eventually, hoisting himself up the stairs.

When he looked in, the two of them were sitting at the booths. Considering what had happened, he thought they looked oddly fine; Shizuo was frozen by the door for a bit as he stared, only the clanging of the door from the wind cuased Izaya to look over his shoulder at him.

_"Ah. Shizu-chan's back."_

He had stood and walked past him, murmured 'take as long as you need.'

Shizuo shifted weight from one foot to the other as he lingered by the wall. The silence was unnerving and Shizuo wondered how much time of him clearing his throat and fidgeting before he shuffled his way over to the booth, taking the seat where Izaya had been.

He glanced up and saw the white gauze covering the crook of her neck and immediately looked away. "How… do you feel?"

"Fine. For now."

Frowning, Shizuo fidgeted again, running his hand through his hair. He opened his mouth to say something but closed it again, swallowing thickly and turning away. He wanted to say something; she wasn't as close to him as Kadota was, so Shizuo didn't know what to say, but in some way she was still important to him. In a way that could only be forged when two people lived together, killed together, and escaped death several times together.

However, that didn't mean Shizuo knew what to say to the woman with a razor sharp tongue.

"I…"

"You're a good person."

Surprised at hearing her say a full sentence without it being an answer to his question, he looked up. She was still staring out the window, her hands in her lap, and had that eternal tiny frown on her lips.

_…Wait._

_Is she wearing lipstick?_

_Where did…_

_Fuck it…_

_Why'm I focusin' on_ that _of all things anyway…_

"Sorry to leave you alone to deal with Izaya," she continued quietly. "But I'm sure you'll be fine. You won't compromise your morality for anything."

"Um… thanks. I think."

Looking to him, Namie gave a hint of a smile and Shizuo blinked, felt his cheeks start warming as he looked away and cleared his throat.

_I think that's the first time she's smiled._

"Take care of Izaya."

"Uh… I'll try but, I mean, he's the flea and…"

"No. I mean take _care_ of him. For me."

Shizuo blinked and gave a tired, wry smile.

"…Right. That I can do."

**may 3, 11:49 p.m.**

Shizuo was curled up the cot, eyes closed and arm folded under his pillow, staring adamantly at the wall.

Namie and Izaya were outside; he ended up sitting across from her for a few hours before finally standing long past the sun had set. Shizuo had immediately tried to stop her, hand reaching out to take her wrist before realizing what he was doing and letting go. But she just looked him and sighed.

_"…Eat your vegetables. Don't let Izaya push you around."_

_"But…" he hesitated, fingers touching against his thumb in succession. "You're not even feverish—"_

_"Also fruits. Fruits are important."_

Swallowing thickly, he pulled the covers over his head and waited for it to be over with. Izaya had assured him that he'd be fine disposing of the body himself, that Shizuo didn't need to push himself. He hesitated but nodded, even murmured 'thanks.' He couldn't handle two in one day again; he couldn't dig a grave again. Not yet; he wished he could say not ever, but he knew that this would be life now.

All he had left was Izaya, he thought. Izaya was now officially the _only person_ left and the thought made Shizuo nauseous. Despite everything so far, he still couldn't stand Izaya and the fear of loneliness was the only thing that outweighed Izaya's presence.

At first, he had hope. At first, he had been looking for Kasuka and they'd met up with people they knew. And for all Shizuo knew, other people could still be out there. But he'd seen too many people die right in front of him to hold onto that hope now; everything felt hopeless and bleak and his only consolation was that he wasn't alone, but it came at the price of having to deal with Izaya and trust him.

There was no doubt in Shizuo's mind that Izaya would betray him if it became beneficial for him. He'd do so immediately and without a second thought because Izaya was out only for himself; he'd worked with Shizuo only because it was good for himself. Shizuo may have had moments of naivety but the one thing he could never forget was that Orihara Izaya was selfish, above all.

But Shizuo had everything to lose if he didn't trust him and absolutely nothing to gain.

"Damn…" he mumbled into a muffled pillow. Namie hadn't been a _friend_ but she had been a person who wasn't Izaya, was the reason Shizuo wasn't _only_ with Izaya. Her presence had made it tolerable. Her presence meant _options_ ; he wasn't forced to have to deal with Izaya all the time. If he wanted to, she was there. At times, she'd even felt like an older sister, someone he could rely on if things really came down to it. But most of the time, she was cold and rude but still better than Izaya.

He didn't know her that well, but Shizuo would choose trusting her over Izaya any day.

_But now…_

What struck him as odd was that she had seemed calm. She didn't show a single sign of being nervous or even sad and, Shizuo couldn't help but wonder, would he be like that? Had Kasuka been like that? Once the fear and panic of death passed, did people just calmly accept it?

Did the fear and panic _ever_ pass?

Tired eyes with bags under them opened and stared at the wall again. His body was tired, his muscles were stiff, his limbs felt heavy; he wanted to sleep, but he couldn't. His mind was racing, his heart was pounding, and he just kept waiting, waiting, waiting for something he didn't want to happen but knew he couldn't move on until it did.

He waited.

_I… wonder what happened to her brother, whatever his name was… hope he's okay. Or… maybe she'll see him in the afterlife._

He waited.

_She was scary… but she wasn't as bad a person as Izaya._

He waited.

_…I'll miss her._

And then he heard the gunshot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was supposed to be about half the length… and i was about to halve it and split this into two, but then i remembered i forgot to update for a month. so this is my apology, hahah. kudos and comments are much appreciated!


	11. the world's biggest asshole

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "you're the world's biggest asshole, you fucking know?!"

**may 4, 2:14 a.m.**

The sound of the metal blade slicing through loosely packed dirt was the end.

Izaya straightened; there was an ache in his lower back, surely from constant movement and improper sleep. He'd finally finished digging a grave and then filling it, watched the white sheet slowly disappear with every shovel of dirt he tossed in. His muscles ached and a thin sheen of sweat glazed over his forehead despite the chilliness of the nighttime.

Dusting his hands off, Izaya glanced behind him. The lights of the RV were still off; they had been the entire time and Izaya wondered if Shizuo had managed to fall asleep or if he was still awake, lying under the covers. He stared for a bit before pulling the shovel out, dredging it back with him. The door creaked as he opened it, made only a moderate effort to be somewhat quiet.

He tapped his shoes against the edge of the ledge to rid them of loose dirt. Stepping into the vehicle, the shovel was placed in small broom compartment in the back of the kitchen. He heard stirs behind him and retrieved a bottle, watching Shizuo sit up in bed from the corner of his eyes.

"You're… done?"

Izaya nodded, taking a gulp.

"Are we leaving now?"

"If you'd like to."

"…Can I have fifteen minutes?"

"Whatever Shizu-chan wants," Izaya murmured airily, waved his free hand as the other lifted the bottle for another sip.

Shizuo's footsteps were slow, heavy as they descended down the stairs. Izaya heard a familiar squeak of a marker being uncapped and moved over to a window, watched Shizuo pick up a piece of wood and crouch down to start writing on it. Izaya's arms crossed over his chest and he leaned against the wall as he kept watching, half empty bottle of water crackling when fingers tightened.

He felt fine.

Compared to Shizuo, he'd probably say he was feeling _great_.

Heiwajima Shizuo allowed emotions to touch him far too deeply, grapple at his heart and overwhelm his rational thought. Orihara Izaya, on the other hand, refused to succumb to something as human as that; he prided himself on maintaining his cool, staying calm. He compartmentalized, dealt with something troubling only as he needed to before stowing it away, allowed himself the memory of it happening, denied the emotional toll.

Which was why Shizuo should be _grateful_ , if anything, for Izaya's existence. Without him, surely he would have died by now or gotten so upset he'd just starved to death.

Giving a sigh before finishing his bottle of water, Izaya turned and traced the path Shizuo took. The other was sitting cross legged on the ground in front of the mound of dirt, staring at it blankly. Moonlight illuminated the board and Izaya could see just _Yagiri Namie_ written, wondered if at some point Shizuo had seen her name written because the characters were all correct.

_Or maybe Shizu-chan got lucky?_

"She deserves a tombstone," Shizuo mumbled quietly.

Izaya nodded.

"May third," he murmured, eyes half lidded as he watched Shizuo write the words down. Shizuo shifted to force the wood into the dirt before packing it with his hands. He stood and walked a bit away, coming back with some flowers that he left on the mound. After straightening, he took a step back and just stared, shoulders sagged and back hunched.

"It's not fair…" Izaya heard in a strained whisper. "It's not fair, it's not fair, it's not… I don't know how much fucking more of this I can take… if everyone's just… just going to fuckin' _die_ then what's even the _goddamn point_ of staying alive is there's _no one fucking left?!_ "

Izaya remained silent. He stared at the dirt, at the grave, at Shizuo's footprints. He listened to the crickets, to the wind, to Shizuo's shallow breathing until it silenced and he closed his eyes, knit his brow.

"Even if we survive, what do we have left to go back to?"

"Celty and Shinra," Izaya said quietly and took a step back.

"We're leaving, Shizu-chan. Are you done?"

"Why are you in such a rush?"

One foot was on the first step and Izaya turned to look over his shoulder, lips pursed in a tired frown that his eyes conveyed. Shizuo had mumbled the question; he hadn't budged from staring at the grave and his hands were still in his pockets, only movement coming from wind in his hair.

"I'm trying to be efficient," Izaya murmured. "Celty and Shinra are waiting—"

"Then they can wait longer. Namie is _dead_."

Mouth opening, Izaya waited a moment before closing it and nodding. Shizuo's voice had been tight; Izaya wondered briefly if he was on the verge of tears or if he was trying to hold them back for whatever reason. Giving a sigh, he stood on the other side of the grave, opposite of Shizuo. Eyes were dull and blank as he stared down at the dirty, decided to focus on the flowers when he heard:

"What the hell's wrong with _you_?"

"Ah…" Izaya murmured, gave a dry smirk. "This conversation again?"

"You don't even care about _Namie_?" Shizuo snarled quietly. "She… because of _you_ she… and then _you_ …"

"Luckily for Shizu-chan, I'm quite good at filling in the blanks."

Izaya inhaled deeply before looking up, eyes closed as his neck arched, head falling back. He basked in the silence for a few moments; the air smelled almost sweet and it was always a blessing to have a moment to himself without having to hear to moans or voices. He missed it.

"What makes Shizu-chan think that I don't care?" he murmured. "Does everyone have to mourn the same way? That takes away the complexities that arise from human differences… that's _boring_."

Kicking at the ground, Izaya stared down again for a moment before smirking at Shizuo tiredly.

"I'm nothing like you, Shizu-chan."

"I'm not sayin' we're alike! I'm sayin' at least I can act like a human _fucking_ being and do somethin' nice for-!"

"Seiji's dead."

Shizuo was silenced immediately.

Izaya dragged the toe of his shoes against the ground, watched the line that resulted. "I killed him," he continued in an easy tone. "Before I met up with Shizu-chan. That exact day, actually. I just didn't tell Namie. Is Shizu-chan going to get angry at me for lying now?"

Izaya expected another outburst, one that would disturb the serenity and cause birds to fly from the trees in crowds, shake leaves and trees. He was waiting for Shizuo's voice to ring through the wide expanse, had even thought out the perfect way to silence him when all he heard was:

"No."

He blinked and looked up at Shizuo.

"…That was nice," Shizuo mumbled and shrugged, eyes still focused on Namie's grave. "I mean… I don't know why you did it. But not telling her was… a good thing, I think. Guess that's why you've been actin' weird about this."

_…Eh?_

"Let's go now."

Shizuo lingered for another moment before turning around and shuffling back to the RV, leaving Izaya standing there dumbstruck and staring after him, wondering exactly what had happened, how he got out of being yelled at when it hadn't been his intention and, most importantly, why he even told Shizuo that.

_My, my… things don't seem to be making much sense anymore._

_Is this what Alice felt like in the Wonderland?_

_Preposterous._

_Even she didn't have a Shizu-chan to deal with._

**may 4, 7:13 a.m.**

Zombies attacked.

Izaya woke up to see a few coming their way and rattled the bedframe to wake Shizuo, alert him of the news. For once, the bodyguard was faster than he was; he slipped out of bed and went outside without a single falter in his movements. Izaya just watched as he began killing them like a robot, was still at the last step of the stairs descending. Shizuo moved stiffly and mechanically, though still gracefully. Even his face lacked the _passion_ that he'd come to known Shizuo for. He looked angry, but a hollow anger.

Shizuo looked empty, like he'd been drained of everything that made him human and really had evolved—devolved?—into Ikebukuro's Fighting Doll.

Izaya glanced out the other side of the wall through the window behind the driver's seat and saw nothing approach; the zombies were coming only from that side of the street and there weren't too many, so he walked back to the cots and laid back down, just watched Shizuo. He was prepared to help him but it certainly didn't seem as if Shizuo needed any help.

After the funeral, they'd driven back into town. Out of panic and adrenaline, Shizuo had driven out of the main city and Izaya had been a bit too preoccupied to be able to watch the scenery and notice something change. Now, though, they went back; after all, this was where Shinra and Celty were and that's what Izaya focused on. That got him through last night, through having to deal with Shizuo. Having a goal in mind focused him and continued to give him a purpose, a reason to survive because Shizuo was right:

_"Even if we survive, what do we have left to go back to?"_

He was beginning to get used to a quiet, sulking Shizuo. It was certainly still odd, but Izaya had come to decide this was the _new_ Shizuo, the post-apocalyptic-kept-losing-everyone-he-cared-about-and-was-beginning-to-lose-the-will-to-live-but-would-still-fight Shizuo.

In truth, seeing him fighting was the first time in a while that Izaya felt the Fighting Doll had become animated.

It was like a stress reliever for him.

Shizuo hated killing, but what he liked and didn't liked mattered very little at this point. His pain had culminated to an all-consuming point point and as a man who was better with action than words, Izaya knew killing these _things_ that took the lives of so many people he cared about would help better than anything anyone could say. One eye was half lidded while the other was closed, facing the window as he watched him kill the zombies one after another, hands and shirt bloodied. Shizuo was panting but he didn't once falter in his movements and Izaya waited until they were all laying in a crumpled heap to get up. He brought a water bottle with him and lingered by the door, watched Shizuo's backside as he stood still, shoulders slumped but heaving with his breaths. Once he straightened and he used the back of his wrist to wipe the sweat from his forehead, Izaya spoke.

"Do you feel any better?" he asked quietly, tossing him the bottle when he turned around.

Shizuo ignored him and twisted the cap off, finishing the entire bottle in a single gulp. His hands were still shaking and Izaya watched him crush the plastic, frowning a bit and murmuring, "There's a lake a bit further up. You can wash up there."

Izaya had thought a quiet Shizuo would be ideal. A Shizuo that said nothing, reacted to nothing, only fought zombies. The perfect Shizuo bodyguard because the only thing Shizuo was _good_ for to him was protection. That morning had exemplified it: Shizuo was fighting just like his nickname and was quiet, didn't bother arguing or even looking at him when Izaya came out.

It was a change and Izaya had honestly thought he'd be more pleased with it.

He didn't like when he wasn't happy with what he thought would make him so.

He thought he wanted an emotionless Shizuo, a machine Shizuo, a rigid Shizuo, a Shizuo with absolutely no emotion and no empathy. But now that he had that, Izaya realized that it didn't feel right. Part of what made Shizuo Shizuo was his temper and his overly kind and naïve heart, his sometimes simplistic thinking and, ultimately, the very clear line that he drew between right and wrong. Izaya thought Shizuo was stupid and naïve, but clearly those were qualities that had a large part in defining who Heiwajima Shizuo was.

Shizuo didn't feel whole if he wasn't acting like Shizuo.

Izaya went to the lake when Shizuo came back; one of them needed to be by the RV and guard it. It was much quieter now. No words were exchanged during the switch; Shizuo didn't even look at him and Izaya didn't make it a point to look at Shizuo either. Namie didn't speak much, certainly not a lot more than they did, but a duo felt more lonesome than a trio. Her absence was haunting and Izaya could see traces of her everywhere in the RV:

The dishes she had organized carefully.

The counters she had wiped down.

The clothes she folded neatly.

The magazines she had been reading.

The wrappers that Shizuo left around that she chastised him for.

That was probably why Shizuo was spending so much time outside. Izaya came back once he was finished washing up, feeling refreshed. He saw Shizuo sitting on the ground, staring into the sky as he leaned back onto his hands, pile of freshly picked flowers by him. Izaya was about to sit before he heard: "I want to go back."

Izaya blinked.

"….To…?"

"Namie's grave."

His mouth opened to argue but after a split second of thinking, he closed it and nodded, murmured 'just for a bit.'

He drove this time. Shizuo sat in the driver's seat and stared out the window during the relatively short journey. Once they stopped, he took a moment to stare at the grave from inside the vehicle before he got out, let the door slam shut behind him. Izaya watched as he crouched to replace the flowers, arrange them in a way that Izaya knew wasn't purely amateur.

Shizuo taking flower arranging classes?

_Ah… constantly a surprise…_

Izaya followed after a moment and stood by the sitting Shizuo, hands in his pockets. A thousand sneers coated his tongue and knew that if he opened his mouth, surely one would slip through just because he was Izaya and this was Shizuo, so he kept his lips together.

_Shizu-chan wears his heart on his sleeve… no matter he's hurt so often._

_Even over someone like Namie who he didn't even know that well… well, if he did, he probably wouldn't be as this upset._

_Of course, she wouldn't even care._

_After all, Shizu-chan's not Seiji._

"Do you have a picture of Seiji?"

Shizuo's voice was quiet and gruff, was hardly enough to catch Izaya's attention. Giving a sigh, he nodded and went back into the RV, coming back out after a few minutes.

"She left it under her pillow," he said quietly, held it by Shizuo's shoulder and waited for him to take it.

Shizuo's eyes rested on Namie's grave for a bit, holding the picture in his hand. Several seconds later, he finally shifted and propped it up against the wooden grave, using rocks to keep it in place, ensure that wind wouldn't blow it away. He sat back down and rested his chin on his arm, propped up on his knee again.

Izaya lingered for another moment before heading back into the vehicle, glancing at Shizuo before going back to a map he had picked up from the memorial park. The university probably wasn't where they were and he couldn't imagine they'd be so obvious as to have Celty set up a shadow tent for them. It could probably withstand a few zombies, but it would attract attention and even Shinra would understand the significance of being incognito. Despite his personality and often his first impression, Shinra was still smart; surely he and Celty, together, would be able to survive for a _long_ time.

Somewhere heavily guarded, Izaya thought with a sigh, closing his eyes as he racked his brain. Somewhere where they'd be safe. Probably a place Celty had chosen, somewhere she could leave Shinra because he may or may not just be a hindrance for when they went back out.

_What if they aren't here anymore?_

His stomach lurched but he ignored it.

_Of course they still are. They have to be._

_A prison… a bank? Maybe… ahh, but we can't search all of those, now can we?_

_Damn that Shinra… Could've been a bit more specific._

_Ahh… always a pain in the ass…_

The more he thought about it, it seemed the only option was to aimlessly wander around the city. Shizuo certainly wouldn't be up for that; the last time they had gone off of instinct, two people had died and Izaya wasn't willing to let a single more person die because it would either be him or Shizuo. If Shizuo died, he'd have very little protection. If he died…

Well, the point of this was so he _didn't_ die.

Giving another sigh, his brow knit. He brought a hand up, middle and thumb pressing to his temples as he gave a quiet groan. He began to think of the prisons he knew in Hiroshima, but then thought about all the prisoners; with them locked up, it was more than possible that most, if not all, had been turned into zombies by this time. And even if Celty was a Dullahan, he doubted she'd be willing to exterminate _all_ of them just for two people to hide.

Not a prison, which had been Izaya's first instinct for somewhere secure. Even though clearing out a block or a wing was possible, given Celty's personality, it was unlikely she'd do so.

_What else is secure…_

_Banks… but which bank…?_

_Ah… wait. Hiroshima…_

_The vault in Teikoku Bank… if it could withstand an atomic bomb, then surely it would withstand zombies._

His eyes opened immediately and he sat up, sudden movement leaving him a bit lightheaded. Teikoku Bank was famous for having a vault that withstood the atomic bomb dropped on the city during World War II. Celty's shadows could probably be used in some way to unlock it, or Shinra would be able to figure something out.

Izaya had taught him a few things about breaking and entering at some point.

Standing from the seat, Izaya felt more revitalized than he had in a long time. "Shizu-chan," he called as he stood on the lowest step, peering out. "We're going. I have a feeling I know where Shinra and Celty are. We should stop by a store first for more food, though."

Shizuo didn't budge. Izaya lingered for just a moment before shaking his head and hopping down, the spring back in his step at having a direction to head in again. He walked over with his hands in his pockets and bowed until he was able to stare at Shizuo's face, lips pursed in a small frown. "Shizu-chan can even nap in the car, all right? I'll drive and get food. All Shizu-chan has to do is stay alive."

Receiving no response, Izaya gave a slightly annoyed looking pout and straightened. He'd been fine with letting Shizuo sulk, but it had been _hours_ and now he had a plan they could follow. Getting back on track with his goal would surely help him feel better, and he was in no mood to let Shizuo's sulking to deter him any longer.

"Shizu-chan," he drawled. "Tell me, why is it that Namie-san's death has you stuck even longer than Kasuka's? Don't tell me you _really_ fell for that woman…?"

"This is our fifth funeral," Shizuo mumbled quietly and stared. "…And her's is the ninth corpse. Everyone… all five of them who traveled with us… they died. They fucking…"

He took a shuddered breath and Izaya watched impassively.

"…They died," he breathed in a voice barely above a whisper. "They all… they all _died_. And the next one… the next one to die…"

He swallowed.

"…Either you die and I'm alone… or I die. That's… that's all that can happen now. And what's the point of all this if that happens… what's the _entire fucking point_?! If we all just die in the end, why are we even-?!"

_"I've got no goddamn idea how I'm going to get out of this shit, but at least I'm not laying down like some fuckin' dog and just dying."_

Shizuo froze and looked up; the vulgarities Izaya had just voiced were incredibly unlike him and he wondered why the words sounded so familiar. Izaya smirked at his reaction.

 _"You're human. You're meant to fight and survive,"_ he murmured, tilting his head. "Remember, Shizu-chan? That's what you said to me. Shizu-chan was the one who pulled the gun away from my head and forced me to keep living… so now Shizu-chan should listen to his own words. Yes, people have died. And, yes, _many_ people have died. But Shizu-chan is still alive. If Shizu-chan gives up now, that's insulting to everyone's who's died up to this point, no? Especially Kasuka. His last wish is for Shizu-chan to keep fighting."

Izaya tilted his head, spoke in a low drawl.

"You wouldn't want to disappoint him, would you?"

Shizuo had frozen and his face paled at Izaya's words once he brought up Kasuka. Izaya murmured 'I'll wait five minutes' and went back to the car, sitting in the driver's seat and began to wait.

He heard nothing at first, but he wasn't worried. The emotional trauma of seeing so many corpses and so many deaths was wearing on him, but Shizuo was resilient. And if Izaya was good at one thing, it was drawing out a person's innermost feelings at a desperate time. He waited and waited, gave a microscopic smirk when he heard footsteps approaching. Shizuo slammed the door shut behind him and hesitated before taking the passenger seat.

Izaya said nothing as he started the car and began driving, not even looking back. Shizuo's gaze lingered on the mirror and Izaya glanced at him.

"We'll come back and visit," he murmured, adjusting the rearview mirror. "Once this is all over."

"…How can you be so sure it will?"

Izaya's grip on the wheel tightened. Shizuo's question was innocent enough, he thought, but it grated against the part of him that was pressing against his mind, trying to remind him of what was more than likely going to happen, an ugly reality he didn't want to face. He didn't particularly want to focus on _that_ and focus on the task at hand instead. When he answered, he'd rid that tension from both voice and expression, was able to smirk and drawl as he always did.

"Because all we can do is hope at this point, aah?"

They pulled up to a grocery store, much smaller than the one they had stopped by in Ikebukuro. Izaya was sure to pocket his knife and gun, opening the door cautiously and motioning for Shizuo to stay quiet. When he heard nothing, he nodded and straightened. The hand around the gun was pulled out to open the door, but Izaya had developed the habit of always keeping his hand on his knife.

"Anything dried, anything portable, anything that won't spoil unless you plan on eating it today," Izaya murmured and frowned. "And don't try to get any milk. Don't risk your stomach."

Shizuo nodded and headed towards the snacks aisle while Izaya lingered for a moment, thought about what he really needed. A box of instant coffee was picked up and he stared, nose wrinkling at the thought of having to drink it. But coffee was coffee, so he kept walking, holding it in his hand. Shizuo returned moments later, holding a basket filled with crackers and instant ramen. Izaya stared at he walked over to the cash register and pulled out some cash, began flipping through the bills and putting down the appropriate amount.

"Shi—" he started but stopped. "…Never mind."

It was ridiculous, but it was a semblance to life as it used to be and Izaya wouldn't deter him from it. He put his coffee and the few vegetables he had picked up into Shizuo's basket. Izaya's eyes lingered on the money left on the counter when he heard footsteps approaching. Instinctively, he pulled his knife out and held it in front of him but relaxed, yet remained surprised, to see Shiki and a few of his men approaching, carefully stepping over the broken glass door.

"Shizuo-niisan!"

Akane ran towards him, arms thrown around the bodyguard's legs, but he hardly responded. Izaya gave a smile that he'd used to trick Akane and patted her head. "Ahh, Shizu-chan didn't sleep much last night."

"Orihara."

"Shiki-san."

Giving a nod, he spotted Akabayashi and Aozaki following him in. Shiki raised a hand and the two nodded, glaring at each other and splitting ways. Akane remained by Shizuo and looked up until he finally gave a half smile, ruffling her hair.

"It's good to see you're doing well, Shiki-san," Izaya murmured, eyes half lidded and smirking.

"We've lost a few men but our priority is keeping Akane-san safe," he said with a nod, watching as Shizuo picked her up and she hugged him again. "Where are you headed towards?"

"Finding Shinra."

"Ah. Any luck so far?"

"There will be."

Izaya gave another nod and held Shiki's gaze for a moment longer. Akane's voice was heard again, this time requesting that Shizuo help her find some candies, and the two were gone, basket of their food left by Izaya's feet. Shiki waited until they were out of earshot to murmur 'you and Heiwajima Shizuo, huh?'

"That's right."

"Interesting…"

Shiki's eyes followed Akane and Shizuo, watching as he led her to a candy aisle and held her up to she could properly go through what was left in stock. Izaya noted the slight crease in his brow, the slightly more prominent than normal frown on his lips. A dry smirk pulled on his own mouth and Izaya tilted his head. "Something the matter, Shiki-san?"

"Ah… nothing. Heiwajima Shizuo just seems a bit different, that's it."

"It would be remarkably difficult for this event to not affect someone."

Shiki hummed and nod, giving a sigh and straightening. "What are your plans after meeting up with Kishitani-sensei?"

The question had Izaya at a loss but he feigned another smile and shrug, recovering easily and quickly. "Shinra has a plan, I'm sure. And you, Shiki-san?"

"The Medei Group has affiliates that are going to help us overseas."

He fell silent and Izaya understood, though he had his own doubts about what Shiki had said. The two met eyes again and Izaya glanced over at Akane and gave a slow nod. Shiki wasn't a stupid man; none of the three men he'd seen were stupid at all. But they had Akane with them, and so he understood.

He nodded again and murmured 'good luck' as Shizuo returned, Akane beaming with her arms full of candy. The man crouched and ruffled her hair again; Izaya watched the girl's face drop and she set the candy down to properly hug him, waving as Shizuo picked up the basket. Izaya gave a final nod to Shiki before they left, climbing into the vehicle. Izaya was in the driver's seat again and Shizuo was putting away what they had gathered, being more organized than Izaya thought was possible for him before joining him in the front.

"What did you say to Akane?"

"Just a goodbye," he mumbled gruffly. "…What are they going to do?"

"They have people," Izaya answered. "I'm assuming they'll be going overseas. They have the connections. Or so they said."

"…What do you mean they… said?"

"I have my doubts as to whether or not the parent group is actually going to help them," Izaya answered with a sigh. "But either way, they're yakuza, Shizu-chan, and we aren't exactly their favorite people. Ah… well, I'm not. But Shizu-chan also has quite a reputation. Shiki-san may be understanding of us but the rest of them wouldn't. We'd have a better chance of surviving on our own than going with them."

"…Oh."

Shizuo visibly deflated at the news, but Izaya ignored it. He'd made the right call and he knew Shiki was thinking the same; he otherwise would've extended an invitation (that's what Izaya assumed.) There was a slight twinge of jealousy, but he brushed it off. Like he had assured Shiki, he was sure that Shinra had a plan.

Or maybe Celty did.

Pinning his hope on Shinra may not have been his best idea, but it was all he could come up with. Izaya had very little else to go on; finding Shinra and Celty wasn't the ultimate goal, but he treated it as if it were. He wasn't sure what to do afterwards and decided that they would know what to do. If they didn't…

_They will._

They drove for a bit in silence, only sounds the squeaking of plastic and crunching of foods. Wrappers were discarded into a trash bag by Shizuo's feet and two water bottles were opened; it had been a while since they'd properly eaten and Izaya hadn't realized how hungry he was until he opened the first bag of chips. At some point, he knew, they'd need to eat something healthier, something that would actually help them survive.

For now, though, junk food would suffice.

Pulling up to the bank after a bit, Izaya gave a sigh and stared at the building. His cheeks tingled and blood pounded through his ears in anticipation; he'd felt fine until this point, but now he realized if they weren't here, then he would have no idea where else to do.

_But they will be here. Of course they will._

"…We're here," he said quietly and Shizuo nodded.

"If they aren't here—"

" _They are,"_ Izaya said immediately, cutting him off. He pocketed his keys and stood, exiting the vehicle first, looking around. It was yet another desolate area of town and he hoped that no zombies would stumble out from a hiding place. He reached his hands out after going up the few steps, fingers curling around the heavy brass handles. He took a breath and was grateful that Shizuo didn't ask him anything.

_Shinra's in here. He has to be in here._

Pulling the doors open, it was then that Izaya realized, for once, he didn't have a hand on his knife.

He really should've kept one hand on it as he always did.

Well, _almost_ always.

A zombie immediately came at him, having been right behind the door. His eyes were wide and he stumbled back, but not before an arm came up to defend himself. The zombie's teeth immediately came down on the exposed skin of his wrist where his sleeve had slid up and he winced at the pain, grunting and stumbling back. The wound wasn't too deep; Shizuo's fast reflexes pulled the zombie off and its head was smashed into the nearby wall. Izaya snapped 'check the inside first' when Shizuo turned to him, and it was only with a hesitant nod that he tore his eyes off of him and checked the inside instead.

Izaya's heart was racing as he wrapped his wrist, wondered if there was some way he could pass it off as not having been bitten. But Shizuo rushed back out and just by looking at him, Izaya knew he had seen, if the blood didn't give it away. The man immediately grabbed his arm and tore the handkerchief off, staring with wide eyes and a pale face, his own hands shaking more than Izaya's.

"Shit…"

Izaya was entirely still, just watching him.

"Shit… shit, I mean, we have seventy-two hours, right? Seventy-two before… fuck, what if… _fuck,_ I should've been in front. What if we find Shinra? Maybe he can do something, that four-eyed freak has to be good for something, shit, _shit,_ I-!"

Izaya watched him and felt a strange calm wash over him. He hadn't expected Shizuo to react like this to him getting bitten and it was only a bit later that he realized it was because on one had ever _cared_ about him possibly dying. That compassion was coming from Shizuo, stemming from his own fear of being alone, but it was still compassion. Someone like Izaya couldn't be picky about what kind of kindness was shown towards him.

He realized this was the first time someone had genuinely cared about him getting hurt.

_What an odd feeling…_

Watching Shizuo continue to stammer and hold his wrist, staring at it and eyes frenzied, Izaya just gave a sigh, understood honesty was his only option at this point:

"I'm immune."

His voice was quiet but strong and clear. Shizuo definitely heard it; he felt silent immediately and eyes slowly rose to meet his. Izaya swore time was passing slower and for a moment, Shizuo looked relieved. A glimmer was in his eyes, but Izaya just waited. He was still holding his wrist and Izaya didn't bother pulling back; he just waited, knew what to expect as he stared at Shizuo and Shizuo stared back.

And then there was confusion.

Brow knit, eyes narrowed, lips frowning, mouth agape for a moment.

"…Wait, how can you be so sure?" Shizuo asked slowly. "You've haven't even been bitten for—"

"I've been bit before."

Shizuo fell silent, breath hitching as he looked up.

"When we were in Osaka. The time we found Kasuka," he said, keeping his voice even and calm. "I was bit. The wound just healed itself and nothing ever happened to me."

"…"

"Which means… I also knew earlier. When we first got to Hiroshima."

"…"

He gave a sigh and closed his eyes.

"…So, yes. I knew when Namie—"

Izaya's head hit the pavement and he was sure that it didn't crack only because his back was first. But pain didn't even register before he felt a very sharp, very solid blow to his face, a pain that exploded only after a moment. He swore and felt the metallic tang of blood. His cheekbone was aching and Izaya hoped that Shizuo hadn't gone and actually _broken_ his face; any medical injury would be a pain to deal with but particularly that.

_Well… at least he reacted just as I had expected._

Wincing, his eyes opened to see Shizuo on top of him, his fist pulled back in preparation for another blow. He was pissed; Shizuo's eyes flashed and he was very nearly growling. His hair seemed unruly—was it like that earlier?—and Izaya hadn't seen this raw, passionate anger in a while. His chest and shoulders rose and fell with his breaths and he could see Shizuo's knuckles turning white, just _knew_ the next punch would hurt like a bitch. Izaya had no choice but to lay still; he couldn't get out of this position and, even if he could, he doubted he'd be able to outrun Shizuo.

He was fast but Shizuo certainly wasn't slow and he also had the adrenaline boost.

_I'm really going to die, aren't I…_

"You fucking _knew_!? This entire goddamn _time_?!" Shizuo spat. "And you didn't _fucking tell us_?! Why the hell not?! What did you think we were going to do?! Why are you such a shitty bastard?! She… she _fucking died_ for you! She took that bite because she thought it would save you and you… _it wouldn't even have killed you!_ If you told her… she… she-!"

"She'd still be here," Izaya finished plainly.

" _What the fuck is wrong with you?!"_

Izaya didn't answer him and just stared up at him with half lidded eyes. His cheek felt warm to the touch and expected it to be bruised soon, if he even had a future of a few hours. But with Shizuo grabbing his shirt, pulling him up a bit, and his fist still clenched, Izaya could only imagine what his face would look like when Shizuo was through with him.

"I can't believe…. I actually fucking thought you'd be… _fuck_!"

"You… _you_ , shit, I thought you were a fuckin' nuisance before but… what, you still playin' your goddamn games?! Seeing how many people you can kill without directly doin' so?! The hell's wrong with you?! People aren't pawns and you can't fuckin' disrespect them like that! Human lives… _HUMAN LIVES ARE PRECIOUS, YOU PIECE OF SHIT."_

" _You're the world's biggest asshole, you fucking know?!"_

Shizuo's fist was shaking and Izaya closed his eyes, deciding he was tired of staring at it and waiting for it to hit him again. Izaya had a relatively high pain tolerance but if Shizuo hit him in the same spot, he wasn't sure he'd be able to keep from showing how much it hurt. All he could do was wait and hope.

Hope for the best.

Everything was about hoping.

And hope didn't seem to be coming through.

He didn't even bother pointing out that Shizuo would be killing a human if he killed him right now; to Shizuo, he was probably as far from a human as possible. He'd been shooting people and was responsible for someone sacrificing themselves under false pretenses. Izaya was a terrible person, but the recent events brought him to an all-new level.

This lie had been Shizuo's last straw.

He _hated_ lying.

And he had reason; Izaya's selfishness led to their trio becoming a duo, Izaya's selfishness led to more emotional trauma for Shizuo. Izaya's selfishness really hadn't benefitted anyone, not even himself. Not telling anyone about his immunity hadn't served him _any_ good, unless he counted the not getting bit as something good.

But dealing with an injury for a few days was far better than allowing someone else to get infected and die, Izaya knew Shizuo would argue.

_How sad. I do deserve this._

_Well, that's not fun._

_I don't enjoy deserving being yelled at._

Waiting for the next blow, Izaya barely managed to catch the sounds of footsteps approaching, clear and definitely not dragged. A sudden 'aha!' that was cheerful and upbeat caught both of their attention because that tone was such an oddity in this world now. Both men turned towards the sound and stared at the figure that stood at the opened doors, peering at them.

A hand raised to adjust a pair of black rimmed eyes.

"Man, Izaya… you look worse than when Simon punched you!"

Shinra grinned.

"Glad to see you two haven't changed!"


	12. the interlude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "you surround yourself with broken people to feel whole. at least admit that, won't you?"

**april 23, 2:42 p.m.**

_"Celty! How about… ah! Fish for dinner? Should we go to the grocery store and… eh? Celty? Are they talking about aliens again?"_

_Shinra blinked, staring at the television and tilting his head in confusion. He'd been bustling about in the kitchen earlier, even decided to don an apron in hopes of sharing a romantic evening of cooking with Celty. But when he came out, she seemed frantic; the shadows from her neck came out short and frenzied, making all sorts of irregular shapes. The news segment was about the most recent zombie attacks, as usual, but he'd never seen Celty this worried. He tried again to ask, but Celty held her PDA to him and he stared. The shaking of her arm made it a bit more difficult to read the PDA but Shinra managed after adjusting his glasses and narrowing his eyes a bit._

We have to get out of here!

_"…Eh?" he asked again. "…Why? Celty, we've been over this! It's just a little thing, it's nothing like an alien invasion!"_

Look outside, Shinra!

_He frowned at her PDA, seeing that her arms were still trembling. Setting down the cookbook he had dug out, Shinra made his way over to the window. Even before he'd reached the glass, he heard the screams; his heart sank as he peered down towards the city. Mobs of the undead were moving in hordes, chasing the screaming still living. They were much faster but they were also outnumbered; zombies were on either sides of the street, making it nearly impossible to escape without having to go through them. He saw fires but knew that unless it was a stab through the brain, the zombies wouldn't stop. Giving a frown, he took a step back and was uncharacteristically serious as he adjusted his glasses, giving a sigh._

_It was silent; Shinra hadn't expected the invasion to become this serious. His apartment was not only high up but also secure; however, they couldn't stay up here forever. Glancing at Celty, he watched the smoke from her neck rise in frantic tendrils and gave a short nod, understood that they had to leave._

_"I'll pack a bag."_

_Celty nodded; she used her shadows to form a ball and used more to grab what she needed, mainly blankets and clothes. Shinra had never quite figured out how her shadows worked; it seemed that it could hold and infinite number of things, yet stay a manageable size. Instead of questioning it, Shinra grabbed two duffel bags and began filling them with medical supplies and food. He brought scalpels and bandages, gauze and antiseptic, anything portable. He rushed back into his room for his phone, picking it up and frowning when he saw that it was at low battery._

Why do you need that many supplies? It's just you! _was tapped onto the PDA when he turned around._

_"Izaya," he explained, looking up after locating his charger._

_She was still._

What?! Why him?!

_"Izaya's a terrible person, but when it comes to having to survive, he'll be a good person to be with. Trust me on this, Celty!" Shinra gave a smile. "Izaya's good at things like escaping his death!"_

_Celty wasn't pleased to hear his name but she knew better than to argue with him and put on her helmet to be able to give a nod. Shinra headed towards the door but Celty's shadows stopped him; he found himself lifted in the air, watching as she opened the seat of her motorcycle. Her own shadow bag along with his two duffels were put in—Shinra marveled at how it all fit so nicely—and found him lowered, a shadow seatbelt securing him and his own helmet._

_His hands touched it, about to compliment Celty on her handiwork, but the engine revved and even with the belt, he felt he was going to fall. Arms immediately wrapped around Celty's waist, glad for the excuse to be close to her and almost yelped in surprise when they broke through the window. He'd seen her ride before, but he had never been with her, scaling the wall. If he was with her, it was in the small side compartment, certainly not exciting as this. Ikebukuro was too concerned with zombies to even notice the Headless Rider making her appearance; they were able to get out of the city relatively easily, with Celty staying off of the streets. Shinra tried to yell above all the uproar and she finally stopped, still against a window at a perfect ninety degree angle and Shinra hugged her tightly._

_"We need to find Izaya!"_

What about Shizuo? _her PDA showed._

_"But Izaya!"_

I can't fit four people.

_"What about your carriage?"_

It's large. It would be difficult to navigate.

_Shinra was still for a few moments as he contemplated what she said, saw the logic behind her words. He looked down the building they were on and saw the zombies; the screams of terror still sounded a bit distant, but also much more real and apparent than when they were still inside their apartment. Shinra didn't feel particularly panicked, not when his arms were around Celty and he was certain that she was safe._

_Under any normal situation, Shinra would be more than pleased to make an escape with Celty. But this wasn't a normal situation; despite knowing that he and Celty would probably be all right, he wasn't sure how long. Izaya wasn't the best of company, but Shinra had seen enough movies and shows to know that when it came to survival, it was safer to have more people._

_Even if that meant Izaya and probably also Shizuo because fate tied them together._

"… _The warehouse," he said suddenly, eyes lighting up. "Okay?"_

_Celty hesitated but ultimately gave in, shoulders hunched. She turned Shooter around and knew exactly which warehouse Shinra was talking about; she'd had to go there to pick him up a few times before. The silence of her vehicle was ideal; the route they took was far less populated but she saw a few zombies, knew that if they heard of them, they'd start following. Reaching the warehouse, Celty had Shinra stay behind on Shooter, wanting to check that it was safe first. Using her shadows to open the door, she waited a moment before stepping in._

_It was empty as she peered around and gave a nod, beckoned for Shooter to follow her in. The door closed once they were inside and Shinra looked delighted, phone pocketed. "I just sent Izaya a text! So let's just wait here for him, okay? I'm sure he'll answer! He always answers his phone quickly."_

_Celty looked dubious but her helmet nodded again. The next few hours were tense as they waited. She flinched whenever she heard a noise outside, but Shinra kept reassuring her that it was fine; there were only two of them and the smell of the warehouse would cover up their scents. As long as they didn't make too much noise, the zombies wouldn't bother them. Celty noticed that Shinra's phone didn't buzz at all and if the doctor realized it too, he certainly didn't let it faze him. He seemed much more upbeat and Celty couldn't fathom how it was possible._

_They were mostly silent, save Shooter's neighs. Celty tried to calm her horse down and Shinra had brought a book, asked if Celty wanted to read with him. Just to amuse him, she nodded and they began reading together, though she was hardly taking in the words._

_When Shinra had brought up Izaya, Celty's mind immediately went to Shizuo. His strength would certainly be an advantage, but he was still human and, thus, susceptible to the infection and death. She hoped he'd be all right, also hoped he wouldn't find Izaya._

_She doubted Izaya would pick a fight with him. Instead, he'd probably offer a sort of agreement or partnership with Shizuo and that terrified her because Orihara Izaya was a terrible, selfish individual and could and would take advantage of Shizuo._

_She also thought about Anri; the woman stiffened at the idea, though it was slight enough that Shinra didn't notice. She knew it would be a bad idea to waste time trying to find her, but hoped that Anri would be able to protect herself._

Anri-chan… she should be all right…

_There were several people Celty was worried about, but it took one sneeze from Shinra and his chirp of 'ah! Bet that meant Izaya's thinking of me!' for her to remain firm in her resolve to keep Shinra prioritized above everyone else. She shifted closer to cuddle with him, realized that was the only way to stop shaking from nervousness, and Shinra beamed, kissing her shoulder._

_"Want me to read to you?"_

_She moved only enough to pull out her PDA._

No.

_"Ahh… how cold, Celty…"_

_**april 25, 3:44 p.m.** _

_Celty had gone out on a food run. Shinra was floating in a shadow ball that she suspended from the ceiling on the off chance that zombies managed to break through the web protecting the entire warehouse from the inside. If they did so, they still wouldn't be able to reach Shinra if he was that far up and she left a small hole for air and light, handing him a book, shaking her helmet when he proposed this be their new "love nest."_

_She patted Shooter when she came back out and opened up the seat to put the groceries in; she'd found all of Shinra's favorites, focusing more on healthy food and water to sustain him. Luckily, fruits were still good; she decided it would be best to feed him those first, before they started going bad. He'd need energy, she knew; while she'd do everything in her power to keep him alive, Shinra also had to do his part._

_And his part was eating fruits and vegetables._

_Climbing back on, she began heading back towards the when a sudden glint caught her attention. Celty slowed immediately and turned towards the alley, guiding Shooter towards it slowly. Even before she saw zombies, she heard them; they were all crowded around something and she had a bad feeling, felt her shadows begin twisting and turning nervously; Celty's skin prickled at the thought and, for once, grew excited at the idea of finding Orihara Izaya, if only for Shinra's sake._

_An alive Orihara Izaya, she hoped._

Wait here, okay?

_Celty got off slowly, materializing her scythe from her shadows as she headed over. She remained behind the corner of a wall as she observed from a distance at first, not entirely sure what to expect. It was err on the side of caution; she knew better than to go charging in, especially if the person she saved was someone terrifying, like Kinnosuke._

_Just thinking of his name sent shivers down her spine._

_Craning her neck, she tried to see as much as she could without risking attracting too much attention. It wasn't Izaya; she could see that immediately by the lack of height and fur trim coat. But there were also far more zombies than she had imagined and she was beginning to feel waves of fear; though she couldn't die, the things terrified her. She'd been more than aware of her own abnormalities, putting her in a category of being a monster._

_It meant she was lumped in with the zombies._

_Gripping her scythe a bit tighter, Celty pushed away her anxiety. Whoever it was, she had to at least try to help them, she thought. She was gathering her nerve when she heard a high-pitched scream and immediately felt cold, sprinting around the corner and decapitating several of the zombies with a single swish of her blade as she kept moving, never once slowing down._

Anri-chan… that's definitely Anri-chan's voice!

_Anri was Saika's host and Saika would protect her; it had done so in the past, so Celty had a good feeling about Anri keeping herself safe. But she had overestimated it; though a demon, Saika was just one sword and these zombies weren't human. They couldn't be controlled and unless the blade pierced their brains, they wouldn't die._

_Celty's frame was shaking; no matter how many she killed, it seemed the numbers weren't lessening and she couldn't get close enough. If anything, it felt like she was being pushed back; they kept advancing and despite all the blood everywhere, she could see less and less, felt overwhelmed. Her hands were trembling and blood was splashing onto her helmet and her clothes, but she ignored them. Finally, she caught a glimpse, but if she had a heart, it would've dropped to the bottom of her stomach._

Anri-chan…!

_She could only hear a scream and had to look away. There was blood and flesh and knives, too much blood and too much flesh, flesh under skin, flesh that Celty didn't want to see. The zombies that were hunched over her blocked most of her from Celty's view, but she knew without a doubt what was happening to Anri. Staring and feeling the zombies trying to grab at her, Celty felt a strange calm. She vaguely felt hands grabbing at her, teeth sinking into skin that repaired itself immediately._

_But it lasted for just a moment before shadows erupted from her body._

_That party of the city went dark; the shadows spread out, stabbing and slicing so many that what had seemed like a large number of zombies were immediately all cut down. Celty could hardly remember what had happened; one moment she was just staring and the next moment she was surrounded by corpses, falling to her knees and holding herself. Her helmet was bowed; she couldn't bring herself to look up at Anri's lifeless body, chest rising and falling in a shallow motion, like she was panting. She jolted when she felt something against her shoulder and stopped short of attacking with another shadow upon realizing it was Shooter._

_Arms were thrown around her horse. Without looking, she reached a hand out, shadows enveloping what was left of Anri; the least she could do, Celty thought, was make sure nothing else got to her._

_Shaking as she climbed onto him, she faced the black shadow enveloping her friend on the ground._

I'm sorry I couldn't save you, Anri-chan.

_The shadow ball was lifted and Celty rode slowly until she reached the park. She found a piece of land that was caged in but still relatively green. A grave was dug and the black shadows lowered the lifeless body into it; dirt was packed over her afterwards and Celty left some freshly picked flowers on top._

Goodbye.

_Shinra had started an exaggerated speech when she finally came back, hearing the door creak open. But when he peered down and saw her trembling, letting the helmet fall to the ground as she slowly lowered him. He stopped talking immediately and waited until the shadow ball was gone to hurry forward a few steps to envelop her in a hug, frowning._

_"Celty… Celty, what happened? Talk to me! Celty, what's wrong?"_

_She shook her helmet and just wrapped her arms around him._

I have to keep Shinra safe…

_**april 28, 10:42pm** _

_Late at night, Shinra's phone finally went off and he looked excited—since when had he been excited to hear from Izaya?—and grinned at Celty with a triumphant 'see?!' Days had passed; Celty went out to get food and left Shinra in a bubble during most days, secured the building with her shadows as an extra precaution. She was always back within an hour, not wanting to risk leaving him for too long; she hadn't tested her shadows, so she wasn't sure just how effective they were against the zombies._

_She never saw a single living soul and if it weren't for Shinra, she would've tried looking around for that damned bastard Izaya. But it was too dangerous; taking Shinra around was a risk she wasn't willing to risk, especially because a lot of the zombies seemed to come out of nowhere. She had been attacked, even bit, but being a Dullahan, she wasn't affected. The wound closed up immediately and her black shadow scythe would swing, neatly cut through the decayed skulls of the zombies._

_She intended on avoiding the park, but found herself drawn towards it, if only to make sure zombies hadn't broken down the gate and to replace flowers. She had stumbled across another body near the alley where she'd seen Anri; it was laying face down, but she saw a definite head wound and knew it wouldn't reanimate. It was a boy with black hair and at first Celty had started walking away, but she stopped and turned slowly, felt prickles running over her skin._

Mikado…?

_Though dirtied, she suddenly recognized the white and green jacket and nearly stumbled back. There was a wound in his site, a large one; Celty could only assume he'd been bit and Anri had made sure he wouldn't come back as a zombie._

_She couldn't imagine what that was like._

_Like with Anri, Celty lifted Mikado's body and buried him near her as well; her daily trips to the grave was now for two people and so she'd bring two bouquets of flower._

_Celty knew where all the grocery stores were, especially the smaller ones. She had checked the large ones but, as expected, most of them were nearly cleared out from everyone grabbing as much as they could before they fled the city. She wondered what they'd do when they were out of food; Celty would be fine but Shinra wouldn't. Would they have to go to a forest and live off of animals and berries, hope they weren't poisonous?_

_Thinking about this future terrified her._

_For now, though, they were all right. There were several smaller family owned stores in the surrounding blocks. Maybe they could start planting their own fruits and vegetables, Celty wondered. But, she realize,d that would take time. That means settling down and staying in one location, something that was much too risky._

Maybe if we find Shizuo and Izaya we could consider that…

_She still had qualms about Izaya, but if Shizuo was with him, Celty would feel more reassured. Shizuo being there meant she'd have someone else to watch over Izaya and make sure he wasn't up to his little antics. If they were together, she just hoped Izaya wouldn't sacrifice Shizuo for his own sake before they found them._

_Wrappers were littered everywhere on the floor of the warehouse and she had picked up a few more books at Shinra's request. She'd come back to what she felt was a bigger mess than she had left and always hear a joyous cry of her name as the black ball was lowered. They spent their days like that, just waiting, just eating, sometimes going out for sunshine. Celty would try to usher him back in as soon as she could and it was only rarely that she'd take him into town too._

_Celty had forgotten how to appreciate the weather. She didn't understand why or how Shinra could possibly be so carefree; she was the one who wasn't at risk of being turned or dying, but she certainly didn't act like it. Shinra would laugh and smile, dance and jump around. His white coat was folded up in one of his bags to allow the sun to hit his arms, give a content sigh and tell Celty she should change into something more revealing to feel the warmth as well._

Why aren't you scared? _she asked him._

_He grinned, stopped spinning for a minute._

" _All that matters is that I'm with you, Celty!"_

_They spent nights indoors; Celty would open one of the higher windows of the warehouse with her shadows so that it didn't get too musty, but she refused to let him outside, know that the nighttime silence and darkness made getting attacked that much riskier and more probable. For several days they just laid together as Shinra read and reread his books, would hum quietly, Celty resting where her head would be on his chest. Her hand felt the rise and fall of his chest, the beating of his heart, smoke coming out in slow, relaxed curls._

Has Izaya answered?

" _Nope!"_

Aren't you worried?

" _Nope!"_

Don't you want to look for him?

" _Nope! He can come find me."_

_Rubbing her arm, Shinra was silent for a while. He even stopped humming, something that Celty noticed immediately. After a bit he began talking again, but his question had Celty pushing herself up to face him, smoke coming out in frantic tendrils when she heard:_

_"Celty, if I die, what will you do?"_

_Scrambling around for her PDA, her hand was shaking, typing made difficult._

Don't even say that.

_"Celty, you'll still be okay, right?" Shinra asked with a quiet, soft smile. "I'll love you forever. Make sure you stay safe."_

Nothing's going to happen to you.

_"I know!"_

_He was back to his bright voice after another moment and Celty laid down stiffly, not fully trusting the more familiar Shinra demeanor now present. Hitting him lightly on his chest, he laughed before they elapsed into a tense silence. Celty wondered why Shinra's heart was beating so slowly and calmly; was he still thinking about it? Maybe. She didn't know. Shinra could get reckless; his entire world centered around her to the point that it seemed as long as she was all right, then nothing else mattered._

_Even his own life._

_So when that text finally came on Shinra's phone (he kept his phone on for only an hour every night, wanted to preserve it as long as he could) they were both relieved, though Celty more obvious than Shinra. He skimmed it and nodded, sent one back before smiling brightly at her. "We'll leave tomorrow night at the latest, okay? Izaya said to give him a day."_

_She wasn't pleased, but decided not to try to argue and nodded with her helmet again before taking it off, cursing the informant._ Why a day? Why not now? Why didn't he answer him sooner? I never liked that Orihara Izaya…

_"Me neither, but he is one of my few friends. It'll be okay, Celty!"_

_At some point, Shinra fell asleep. His soft snoring filled the warehouse and Celty remained awake to watch the door, shadows ready to attack if needed._

…I have to keep Shinra safe.

_**april 29, 8:42 a.m.** _

We're leaving.

_Celty's message was calm, but that was because it was words on a piece of paper. Her PDA, she decided, wouldn't last for very long and so she now opted for writing because Shinra, somehow, more or less understood much of what she wanted to say. She was shaking him frantically, desperately rousing Shinra from his sleep. Phone by him, Shinra sat up and watched Celty hurry to put everything away, Shooter immediately transforming into a motorcycle again. He was still confused as Celty's shadows picked him up and pulled him onto the motorcycle, but it was when the doors were broken down by a horde of zombies that he understood._

_She had gotten up extra early that morning to make a quick run to town for last minute food supplies, as they were leaving that day and she didn't know when Izaya would arrive. She had let her guard down; she left without securing the building, thinking that fifteen or twenty minutes would be fine. But when she came back, she saw zombies approaching, didn't know how they found them after days of safety but didn't have the time to ponder. She killed the ones closest and rushed in to wake Shinra before the ones in the distance reached them as well._

_Arms locked around Celty's waist and Shinra couldn't help but bring his knees up as they began driving, forgetting about his left behind phone. The doctor marveled at how fast Celty and Shooter were as they got out of that warehouse quickly, scaling the walls. Shadows were used to knock the zombies out of the way and kill them to clear a path and it was only when they were in a safe area that Celty stalled as Shinra's beckoning._

" _My phone," he said immediately, pulling back a bit. "My phone! I need to contact Izaya!"_

_She shook her helmet._

" _I need to!"_

_Pulling out the notepad, she began writing again and Shinra, for once, was impatient as he watched her. She used abbreviations and her writing was messy, hands shaking from what had just happened, but Shinra could just barely make it out._

There's no time. We have to leave. You'll have to contact him another way. It's too dangerous to go back for your phone.

_Shinra was still for a while. He looked over his shoulder with a frown; they were high up and he could look down at where they had spent the night, saw that zombies had completely overtaken the building. It would be a suicide mission to go back. He wasn't sure how he hadn't heard the deafening moans and pounding at the door and walls, but was glad Celty did. If they'd only realized once they were inside, it easily could've been too late for him._

_Finally, he nodded and sighed. "…Okay. Let's… let's go to Osaka. I'll leave them a note there."_

Them? Shizuo too?

_"Yeah," Shinra grinned. "I've got a feeling they're going to end up together!"_

Shinra…

_"Trust me, Celty. Neither Shizuo or Izaya are going to die from this and they'll end up finding each other and deciding to work together. They'll find us. I know they will."_

_Shinra always had wishful thinking and Celty found herself acting as his gravity, keeping him grounded. She decided not to argue with him on that point and began driving again, leaving a prayer for Shizuo in the city._

_She knew Shizuo was strong. Even though he didn't have her immunity, she couldn't imagine Shizuo would be defeated by zombies but that was only if he remained mentally strong. She didn't want to speak ill of her friend, but the world was in a disarray and she wasn't sure who he had left, if he had had to watch people he cared about die. Something like that could weaken even the strongest man._

Please stay safe, Shizuo…

Stay strong.

Don't kill Izaya.

But don't let Izaya use you as a shield.

_**may 4, 3:39 p.m.** _

_Because he had been with Celty the past week, Shinra felt an odd aura of calm. He felt happy with her and even began to think of this as a road trip. They had stopped a few times on the way to Osaka so Shinra could stretch and enjoy the nice weather. Celty's body language kept indicating she was nervous and she was constantly turning, surveying the fields. Shinra asked what she was worried about and she was writing frantically again._

I'm making sure there aren't any zombies so you don't get hurt!

_The words sent Shinra into a loving frenzy, hugging Celty as she squirmed to get away. By the time they arrived in Osaka, it was getting dark and Celty insisted that Shinra needed to rest. He had whined and after circling the general perimeter on the silent motorcycle, they found a motel room. Celty had used shadows to secure the door and windows, despite having seen no zombies when they arrived. She didn't have to write anything down for Shinra to know she'd rather take too many precautions than not enough._

_That had Shinra hugging and gushing over her again._

_A shower later, Shinra had changed into pajamas he had brought with him, climbing into the bed with Celty without even asking. Shooter was on the floor next to them and Celty's helmet was on the nightstand. He was humming, content to have an excuse to cuddle with her—"you're shaking, Celty!"—and she couldn't understand it._

Why aren't you scared?

_"Because I'm with you, Celty! Nothing else matters!"_

_It was for that reason that Celty was concerned about him._

_Shinra had eaten some of the food he'd brought for dinner before they slept, although Celty was awake much longer. She still had her PDA with her but it was off; she wasn't sure how long the world would be like this, didn't want to think about a forever, and knew that it would be smarter to use it for an emergency, when there was no time to write something down._

But wouldn't turning it on also take a long time?

Aah… what should I do about this…?!

_The next day, after they had woken up, Shinra had left the note. Celty watched in disbelief; when she asked how he was so sure Izaya would find it, Shinra smiled brightly._

_"I know he will! It's on a main road and he'll stop here because it's a big city!"_

_Shinra's blind optimism was something Celty would never understand, but she didn't have the energy to argue with him._

_And then they were on the road to Hiroshima; whenever there were unavoidable zombies, Celty's shadows would take care of them, forming a scythe, sometimes multiple spears, and going through their heads. It left Celty shaken, Shinra could see, and for that reason he asked her to not do it too often._

_"You don't have to push yourself, Celty! We'll be okay!"_

_Celty had assumed they would stay in Osaka to wait for Izaya, but Shinra had said they would need to leave. She questioned him but he gave no logical answer, just said that it would be best to go to Hiroshima to wait for them. When Celty tried to argue, her reasons quickly were overridden by the fact the motel they were in was overtaken just a few hours later and she agreed to leave with him._

_Kishitani Shinra cared about very little besides Celty Sturluson. He was an idealist and while the positivity was nice, it did worry her. She tried to think of what to do; she didn't like the idea of having to be on the run for the rest of Shinra's life, but there had been no signs of any refugee camps or even people. The virus had decimated nearly every city they'd been to and while Shinra was certain Shizuo and Izaya would find them, Celty wasn't so sure._

_It was like Shinra thought nothing could go wrong because he was with Celty._

_It put a lot of pressure on her and she didn't want to disappoint, or worse, endanger him._

_She wasn't sure how long they stayed in Hiroshima. Celty had lost count of days and she was using the notepad as much as she could, picked up more along with pens whenever she went out to find food. They had found another motel room but it was also overrun; she used her shadows to form a ball around Shinra to keep him safe, having it float along and follow her. The zombies' attacks didn't hurt her; it was a bit painful, but she didn't turn, couldn't even die. Didn't have a brain to be reanimated._

_It was then that she had remembered the vault. She'd been going around the city with Shinra for a while; it seemed that the motels that weren't destroyed only had a matter of time. She was struggling to figure out a place for them to stay without having to constantly be on guard with her shadows but also a place where Izaya could find them._

_Shinra was confused at first when Celty brought them to a bank; he asked why they needed money and she shook her helmet. She tried to listen to the metal for clicks as she turned the lock but, obviously, a bank vault wouldn't be as easy to open as a high school locker._

_She suddenly straightened and disappeared, leaving Shinra and Shooter to stand by the metal. The doctor flinched whenever the horse nudged his shoulder and he watched Celty return with a glass of water. It was set on top of the vault and she began turning it slowly, watching for the miniscule movements in water. The door swung open and she was relieved, having noted the combination and committed it to memory._

I watched it on television, _she wrote, holding up the notebook. Shinra had been impressed, as was Shooter, and there was a rare moment of genuine happiness as she ushered them in._

_For however long, that's where they stayed. They went out only to bring back food and water, sometimes just for the fresh air. But at night, they slept in the vault and trusted that it was safe. And when one day they heard the sounds of yells from outside, distinct human voices, Celty had been so surprised that she could do little except sit there. Shinra just grinned._

_"They're here!"_

_He opened the door and she followed him out, body in shock to see Shizuo and Izaya._

_She had no idea how Shinra just knew this would all work out._

**may 4, 3:42 pm**

"See, I knew you'd find us!"

"You really could've left something more obvious. How did you know I was going to find the note?"

"I just did! All right, nothing's wrong with your face except that it's yours."

Izaya frowned a bit as Shinra pulled back, telling him that all he had was a bruise that would heal up and the bleeding had already stopped. Shinra also added that Shizuo must be getting better at controlling his strength, because when Chikage came to him, he was in awful shape. "Although," Shinra frowned, "he did manage to take four hits from Shizuo… wonder how he is?"

Shizuo had been given a bottle of water and he crushed it, scowling as he looked away.

"He's dead," Izaya said dryly.

Shinra seemed surprised but it passed and he just gave a nod as he adjusted his glasses. The four were in the vault; the door had been closed so give them a rare promise of security while Shinra had conducted the medical examination and Shizuo was resting, sitting as far as he possibly could from Izaya. Celty had walked over to him to hand him the bottle and put a hand on Shizuo's shoulder to get his attention. She held up a piece of paper, asking _are you all right? Do you want to talk?_

Shizuo shook his head.

Izaya watched the exchange, noting immediately that she wasn't using her PDA. "Celty," he said and she turned towards him. "I have a charger."

She wrote in the notepad.

_Do you have an outlet too?_

"I have an adapter and an RV, so yes."

"RV, huh?" Shinra asked, grinning. "So you two traveled pretty comfortably! Sure took your time getting here!"

It was eerily quiet in the vault and Shinra didn't even know _where_ he was going wrong with all the things he was saying. Shizuo stood and the doctor flinched, watching him kick the wall so hard it left a dent. Shooter fidgeted a bit until Celty calmed him down with a hand on his neck after Shizuo left the vault. Celty began following him but changed her mind; instead, she went to begin collecting all of her and Shinra's belongings.

"Let's head to Kumamoto," Izaya said and glanced around. "Unless you plan on staying in here forever."

"What's in Kumamoto?"

"Namie said that that was where the research was mainly be doing," Izaya answered easily. "It wasn't completed, but she said that there had been progress on… that day."

He didn't have to specify which day; there had been a silent understanding among all the living what _that_ day was. _That day_ , the one that came out of the blue; it wasn't the day the zombies appeared. They didn't come overnight and destroy the cities; they trickled in slowly, one by one. No one took them seriously at first and assumed that they would die out. But that had been their greatest mistake.

 _That day_ was the worst day in their lives so far. It was the day everything went to hell.

It felt like the day the world had ended for them.

"Namie?" Shinra asked. The fact that she wasn't here gave him a hint as to what had happened. "Is…"

"She's gone."

"But she was with you?"

"Yes."

"…So… by gone…"

" _Gone_."

Shinra blinked and nodded, waved his hand. "Always so roundabout and mysterious with your ways. So she's dead? What a shame…"

Humming, he frowned and looked up at the ceiling contemplatively. "So you were with her… and Shizuo was with you… which means she was with you _and_ Shizuo. How did Shizuo take it?"

"Slightly better than expected at first," Izaya murmured, giving a sigh. "Until he found out that I knew I was immune. So she essentially sacrificed herself for nothing and that's why Shizu-chan punched me."

Celty had finished gathering everything, using a shadow ball to keep it all together, resting it on Shooter's back. The three left the vault and found Shizuo standing outside, back towards them and staring past the RV. Celty seemed to remember something, holding up a finger as a signal for the two to wait. The shadow ball dispersed for her to be able to dig through one of the duffel bags, producing a pack of cigarettes and lighter. Shizuo looked surprised when she handed them to him, but nodded and muttered a gruff 'thanks.'

"You knew you were immune?" Shinra asked, clearly not reading the situation when Shizuo flinched, lighting a cigarette angrily. "And you still let her do that?"

"It's not as if I had enough time to stop her," Izaya said slowly, eyes watching Shizuo let out angry puffs. His nose wrinkled; he wouldn't enjoy the fact that Shizuo could now smoke again. He also certainly wasn't in the mood to compromise with Izaya and open the windows if he was going to smoke indoors. "And it isn't as if I _asked_ her to."

"Then why did she?"

"I killed a zombie and saved her."

"Ah… she was paying you back."

"I never told her to."

"But with you, there's always a debt that someone has to pay back," Shinra murmured, shaking his head and giving a dramatic sigh. "And even if you didn't ask her… well, see, Izaya, sometimes people do nice things for each other. And, really, you should've told them if you knew. Why didn't you?"

"I didn't want to."

Shinra was annoying, he thought. Annoying because he was right. Annoying because all the reasons Izaya had come up with to try to mitigate Shizuo's anger would be dismissed because they weren't reasons; they were excuses.

Having Shizuo mad at him wasn't anything except _annoying_. However, now that they had found Shinra and Celty, it was considerably better. Izaya wouldn't have to sit in a vehicle with only Shizuo, feel his glare every moment, feel stifled at the silence. And with Celty there, there was the chance that if Shizuo did try to kill him that she'd stop him, if just for Shinra's sake.

It seemed almost dreamlike how smooth everything was; everything felt easier now and Izaya felt much closer to how confident he normally was. Not that he expected any different, but he and Shinra spoke as if everything was normal.

It seemed things were going to finally start working out.

Shizuo reached the RV first, but the keys were still in Izaya's possession. He stood by silently while Izaya took his time in unlocking it, stepping in first and taking the driver's seat. Shinra began heading towards the back until Izaya monotonously commanded him in the passenger seat next to him, ignoring him whining about wanting to spend more time with Celty. The woman patted Shooter and he transformed into a motorcycle. She used shadows to carry him onboard and left him in the back, patted him again before sitting at the booths.

Shizuo was last; while Shinra and Celty were still getting used to the RV, Izaya had begun driving. Shizuo went over to his bed and laid down on his back, arm over his eyes. Celty stood from her seat and sat down on the bed across from Shizuo's instead, taking out her PDA and turning it on. She hesitated a moment and walked up front, raised a black gloved hand to tap on Izaya's shoulder. He hummed and reached into one of the compartment units and handed her a cable and adapter. "There are a few outlets by the beds."

She gave a nod and hurried back, plugging in her phone, delighted to watch it start charging (briefly wondered how and why Izaya had her model's charger readily at hand.) Finally comfortable, she took her helmet off and began tapping away, showing the screen to Shizuo after touching his shoulder for his attention.

_How have you been?_

It was easy for her to tell that Shizuo wasn't in a good mood. It was easy for anyone to tell Shizuo wasn't in a good mood; he made it obvious, unlike Izaya who hid his annoyance behind smirks and malicious intent. But Shizuo was quiet and annoyed, had his temper and was scowling.

"…Everyone keeps dying," Shizuo mumbled. "And I… can't handle that."

 _Have you seen Kasuka?_ she asked, understanding that even though she couldn't speak or give an expression, Shizuo would understand that her tone was still gentle. He stared at the device and swallowed, turning away.

"…Dead."

Celty stiffened before typing quickly.

_I'm really sorry to hear that._

Celty could only imagine what that pain was like. Nonetheless, she put a hand on his shoulder in a soothing manner, taking it off only to start tapping at her PDA again. _It could help to talk about it. I was worried about you. I'm glad you're alive._

"…Maybe later."

The smoke arising from her neck seemed a bit deflated at his words but she patted his shoulder, signifying _all right._ Izaya glanced in the mirror to see them and gave a slight scowl that Shinra took notice of. Staring, he grinned after a moment.

"Oh, right!" Shinra said suddenly in a very loud voice. "Happy birthday!"

Izaya gave a sigh. Celty's body straightened and Izaya caught a glimpse of Shizuo rolling over, propping himself up on his elbows and glaring at him with disgust before laying back down. _Happy birthday to me, indeed…_

Izaya hummed, giving a glimmer of a smirk. "Ah… that's right. I forgot."

"Congratulations on surviving another year despite the world ending," Shinra beamed. "You really are like a cockroach… always surviving."

"How kind of you to say, Shinra."

He'd forgotten it was his birthday. Amidst all that was happening, it had been the last thing on his mind. Birthdays had never been a big deal to him, but he'd always remember; he never expected anything, considering Shinra was the only one who really knew, but this was the first year where it entirely slipped his mind.

His hands tightened on the steering wheel.

_…That was the day Namie died. Ahh… what a glorious day._

It felt foreign to remember that despite all this death, having been the perpetrator of it himself at times, life continued to go on. That even though they were terrified and unsure, that they were still alive and they were, at the most basic level, _living_. By breathing, moving, thinking, they were still alive. And they forgot that, concentrated on the idea of dying. Surely it was because they'd found Shinra, but Izaya felt calm and secure, could appreciate that he was still alive instead of focusing on how to continue to survive.

The drive was quiet for the next hour or so; Celty seemed to be resting (or maybe reading) and Shizuo was still lying in bed. Shinra kept pressing Izaya for what happened; evidently Celty kept him more or less locked up and so he was jealous that he didn't get to be a shining knight for her. Izaya felt a tinge of jealousy that Shinra had spent the past week in what seemed to be an oblivious haze. Everything he went through, everything he saw was foreign to Shinra. He hadn't seen any of it, had been hidden away and protected by Celty.

"Have you seen them up close?"

"Yes."

"What were they like?"

Izaya glanced at Shinra and smirked. "They're awful. They're disgusting."

Shinra looked excited. "Did you cut one open?"

"Ah… I can't say I've done that…"

Shinra's face fell and he reclined, propping his feet up on the dashboard. Hands clasped over his stomach and he stared at the empty road they were driving on. "What a waste… you think you could restrain one so I could cut it open?"

"Mm… I could kill one and bring you the corpse."

"What's the point in that? I need a living one so I can study it!"

"That's not a good idea, Shinra," Izaya sighed. "You'll probably turn if you're bitten and then either Celty or I will have to kill you again. Do you want to be shot through the head?"

Shinra frowned. "No…"

"Exactly."

Shinra looked excited for a moment. "What if I'm immune?"

"I doubt it."

"Why? You are!"

"Because I'm _me_."

"You know, I never thought that would be used as a reason for anything other than something negative."

Izaya ignored the comment. At some point, he'd switched places with Shinra. He took the free time to check his phone, note that he hadn't turned it on in a while. It still had battery but absolutely no signal and he wasn't that surprised. And, even less surprising, no new messages.

It was by pure luck and chance he had managed to find Shinra and Izaya liked to think that the hard part was over. The note in Osaka—he had told him again that that was a stupid idea and Shinra pouted again—and then remembering the bank by chance. Izaya made educated guesses as to people's behavior, but these weren't educated; these were by chance and luck. It had been driving him insane that he was basing everything off of chance and luck.

But it had worked out.

"Shinra," Izaya murmured when they arrived in Kumamoto. "That note was terrible."

"It worked, didn't it?"

"What if someone had found it and thrown it away?"

"I was relying on most people being dead."

"And how did you know I wasn't?"

"Because you're like a cockroach. You can't die."

"And how did you know I was with Shizu-chan?"

Shinra looked over, giving a smile. They'd arrived in Kumamoto and Shinra had pulled up to a curb by a grocery store, parking the car. The city was certainly less damaged than the others they had stopped by, but Izaya still didn't see any people roaming around (which was a given.) Whatever research institute Namie had been talking about would still be there the next day; it was getting late and even he would admit he was tired.

Izaya hadn't realized how drained he was until about now. It was like adrenaline was starting to slow. He was relaxed, he realized, he was finally letting his guard down. It was still too early, but some part of Izaya believed that _this was the end_. That this was all right now.

"Because," Shinra said and turned to him. "You're Izaya and he's Shizuo. Of course you two would end up having to work together. Both of you wouldn't die, so it was only a matter of time."

Shinra smiled.

"It's like there's a really twisted string of fate tying you two together."

Shinra had faulty logic and Izaya waved him off, too tired to argue that it was disgusting to use a string of fate to describe his relationship with Shizuo. Celty used her shadows to cover the windows so they could turn on the lights without running the risk of attracting any unwanted attention, secured the entire vehicle after another minute (though if the zombies tipped it over, there was little she could do about that.) Dinner was prepared, the same food that, somehow, tasted a bit better than usual. Izaya gave a dry smirk and Celty walked up to him, held up her PDA with a pretyped message.

_Why is Shizuo so angry with you?_

He raised an eyebrow, looked to where her face would have been.

"Isn't Shizu-chan always angry with me?"

_Answer me, Izaya._

Giving a sigh, he focused on his food and took a few bites until his hunger had subsided a bit. It came to him as no surprise Celty was angry at him. Celty was almost always angry at him and while he hadn't done anything to Shinra, he _had_ made Shizuo incredibly upset.

"…He blames me for Namie," he said, looking at her. "I knew of my immunity and I didn't tell either of them. She sacrificed herself, thinking it was to save me."

Even Celty's shadows stilled. Izaya waited patiently as she lifted her PDA and began typing again, this time more angrily and Izaya was surprised the device didn't hit him in the face. While he waited, he kept eating and had almost finished when her flurry of angry messages had all been shown to him.

_That's awful!_

_How could you do that?!_

_You're a terrible person, Izaya!_

_She died because of you?!_

"Isn't death, in a way, a good thing?"

Celty typed several _?_ in response to that.

Izaya shrugged again and took another bite of his food. He looked past her to see Shinra enjoying his meal, Shizuo's plate empty and he was curled up under the covers still. Izaya's annoyance had lessened a bit now that he had Shinra to talk to and it wasn't just Shizuo's cold silence. His cheek still ached but any complaints would be met with 'you deserved it' from all three parties.

Having these two was different from anyone else, he thought. Probably because Shinra was his friend. Probably because Shinra had sought him out. Probably because this was _the end_. Izaya couldn't explain it, but this felt like he was finished. Like there was no more worrying. It was ridiculous because he knew there were still questions that had to be asked, decisions to be made.

But maybe, just maybe, he could finally relax for a few hours, trust in Celty's shadows.

_Izaya! Don't just stop talking!_

"Surprised you'd say that," Izaya smirked and leaned against the wall.

"Mm… well, with death, that's it. You no longer feeling anything, no longer has to do anything. You protected Shinra this entire time; you know what this life is like. Hard, isn't it? Exhausting, tiring? If you're dead, then you don't have to fight or risk everything to survive anymore. In a way, I did a good thing, yeah?"

The smoke tendrils from her neck were beginning to rise a bit faster and Izaya watched in slight amusement, wondered if she'd actually kill him right here, right now. But with shaking hands, she typed her message out, held it up to him with a strange sense of calm.

_Death is kind?_

_That's rich, coming from you._

Izaya scoffed, gave a smirk that apparently made her angry enough to walk away. He leaned back in the seat and stared out the window. He remembered Namie having said something similar to that; it had been one of the nights where Shizuo had been asleep and the two night owls were up, Izaya deciding to force Namie into conversation.

_"I really do think Shizu-chan is overreacting. At least Kasuka is resting peacefully."_

_Namie stared at him._

_"You shot his brother through his head."_

_"He was dead already."_

_Namie sighed and shook her head, glaring at him tiredly. "Stop trying to justify what you did, acting like death is something people want."_

_Izaya hummed, closing his eyes and clasping his hands over his stomach. "In the state of this world, isn't it?"_

_Even though he wasn't looking at her and his eyes weren't even open, Izaya could sense that Namie was giving him an incredulous stare. She did that often and Izaya was used to it, could tell when she was doing it. After working with her so long, he liked to think they had developed some sort of a telepathic communication system._

_Namie didn't like that._

" _You bring a whole new level of hypocrisy. The rules still apply to you. You're still human."_

_Rolling his head to look at her, he smirked, eyes half lidded and voice in a drawl._

" _So are you."_

" _I'm not the one trying to deny my humanity," Namie murmured coolly. She bent over to pick up a nail file and focused on her hands instead; Izaya watched the way she carefully filed and blew, made sure her appearance was still pristine—in case she saw Seiji, probably—and reached for a bottle of water._

" _Have you ever even gone a whole day without lying to yourself?" she asked suddenly._

_The bottle froze in midair and Izaya turned to her._

" _Ah… what could you possibly mean? Honestly, Namie-san, I have to have some degree of reliability to have people trust me—"_

" _Please," she scoffed, interrupting him and smirking in a way that had Izaya frowning._

" _You surround yourself with broken people to feel whole. At least admit that, won't you?"_

Celty stopped speaking to him, something that wasn't a huge loss to Izaya. All four cots were occupied, though they took turns staying up to keep guard. Celty's shadows were a nice insurance, but it was understood that it would be too naïve to place their full trust in them.

Izaya had taken the first shift. He was laying in bed, hands folded behind his head as he indulged himself in the silence. The window on the ceiling was opened for air; Izaya relished in the sweet scent and took a deep breath, felt aches in his muscles as they relaxed.

_How nice._

_Everything is working out as planned, even with Shizu-chan here._


	13. the reason you're still here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "now, now. don't look at me like that. i'm part of the reason why shizu-chan is still here."
> 
> celty used shadows to envelop the deer for transportation. but before they got back on shooter, she held up her pda:
> 
> and he's the reason you're still here now.

**may 5, 2:31 p.m.**

_"That one."_

_"You're sure?"_

_"How much do you know, Izaya?"_

_"All right. We head there."_

Driving with an annoyingly victorious Shinra next to him, Izaya's mood, surprisingly, didn't falter. He had slept exceedingly well that night; with Celty's shadows protecting the RV and double the number of living bodies, Izaya felt a sense of security that, at one point, he would've found dull. The four hour drive was conducted mostly in silence; the drive, as usual, posed little risk, but it was that tranquility when they arrived in the city that soothed Izaya. For once, Izaya knew what they were going to do; there was no more guesswork or hoping.

Izaya had chosen an incredibly high-risk lifestyle; he feared death and yet flirted with it constantly. Safety was boring; security was dull. He lived for that rush of adrenaline, knowing he had one foot on the line and the other on the wrong side, bent his knee and dipped further into it, relished in the control of never letting himself fall.

But, now, he craved safety. For just one day, he wanted to remember what it was like to not look over his shoulder every moment, be suspicious of silence, actually relax. Shizuo was acting as bodyguard, but he was only one person; however, with both him and Celty, Izaya felt safer, despite the fact that both of them hated him.

Before _that day_ , everyone had different goals; everyone had their own top priority. But now, everyone had the same one: stay alive.

And there was a safety in numbers.

So even though Izaya was human scum, he was still human.

He had never quite been so grateful for that.

"…Stop here."

Shinra's bright chirp was not very bright or chirpy. Izaya took note of that immediately but didn't think twice about it; he decided that maybe breakfast wasn't sitting well with Shinra or he had some disturbing though that dampened his mood. The drive to this point had been quiet and peaceful. Celty was with Shizuo in the back and Izaya could hear the tapping of her fingers against her PDA mixed in with grunts.

Izaya had given Shinra as much detail as he could about the research facility, which wasn't too much. The two had spent a few hours last night pouring over a map they'd picked up of Hiroshima; it was littered with pen markings and circles, arrows and annotations by Shinra. Izaya was, admittedly, impressed; despite having such little to go on, Shinra had figured out where Namie was probably talking about, easily narrowed down the list. He circled one facility with flourish, said this was the only one with the resources and the security to carry out something like this.

_"You're sure?"_

_"Absolutely!"_

It seemed Shinra could, at times, come through.

But as they rolled up to the curb, Izaya felt his heart sink; even his natural defense mechanism of avoidance wasn't quick enough to prevent that.

"…"

"Er… Izaya—"

"Don't talk."

Orihara Izaya firmly believed against putting all his eggs in one basket if he could help it; sometimes there was no choice, but there usually was. It was a sort of an insurance; if one plan didn't pan out, if something messed up, then he hadn't lost everything and still had a chance for a greater reward than what he'd already put in. There was that one semblance of caution in his high-risk lifestyle and Izaya was _very_ good at it.

This was one of those cases where it was all or nothing. Though there had been no back up plan if they didn't find Shinra and Celty, Izaya had neglected to consider what would happen after they found them. He'd allowed himself to slip and relax upon finding them; that was probably his mistake. Had he'd maintained a clear head and focused on what came after instead of basking in his relief, they may not have been in this situation.

Because finding Shinra and Celty hadn't been the end; even if the research facility worked out, that was the end.

What was the end?

(Surely not their lives.)

What greeted them was a pile of rubble; parts of the building's foundation still remained but it was obviously destroyed, decimated, and uninhabited. From the looks of it, this hadn't happened yesterday. Izaya suddenly thought about how the city had been strangely desolate; he'd relied on Namie's words so much that he didn't think twice about it. If the facility had still been up and running, if there were people here, if this was a _safe_ place, then at some point they should've seen something. They should've passed through a gate or something that kept the zombies out. He realized he'd been incredibly negligent and naïve and now it was catching up with him. There had been nothing here all along; he thought Shinra and Celty were the end, like finding them would magically create a cure for the end of the world.

Biting his lip to the point of drawing blood, Izaya's fingers curled around the wheel tightly. At some point the engine had been turned off; he could only assume it was Shinra who had done so, still had the common sense to not waste any of their valuable resources. Stiffly, Izaya's body bent until his forehead touched to the wheel. He heard mumblings and footsteps; there was tapping and Shinra's voice, explaining the predicament, and even the low grumble that was unmistakably Shizuo.

But all of this was heard distantly by Izaya. There was a ringing in his ears that dampened everything except his own breathing, his own blood rushing, his own heartbeat. He felt nauseous and wouldn't have been surprised if breakfast that morning, eaten in stupid blissful ignorance, came back up.

He took a slow breath but it did little to help him feel better.

Izaya had never had to prepare for a plan to get out of hell because he had been the one who would be _bringing_ hell.

Izaya had improvised many times; he used to love when things didn't go his way because he delighted in the unexpected. But he did _not_ delight in this unexpected turn of events.

It hadn't even been unexpected; it was a very realistic possibility but, for some reason, he didn't consider it. When it mattered most, it seemed his logic and intelligence had failed him and he didn't know why.

He heard something resembling his name being called, a warm hand on his shoulder, presumably Shinra's. He was trying to shake him but Izaya ignored him; he didn't even bother to swat him away. It took everything he had to not shake or rip the wheel off; his heart was racing and his mind was overcrowded with thoughts, none of them comprehensible as he tried to figure out how he got to this point, why he got to this point, when he got to this point.

And then, at some point he didn't feel Shinra's hand anymore.

His body froze. His breathing stopped entirely as he realized, the thought creating a cold that drew goose bumps.

_…Shizu-chan._

His eyes widened.

 _This must be Shizu-chan's fault! That… that disgusting, wretched,_ stupid _protozoan… he distracted me! Yes, that's it! I couldn't possibly have messed up this badly; if I hadn't been with him… it's all his fault. I had to take care of him, make sure he didn't do something stupid…_

_It's all his fault._

_It's all-!_

Izaya had been so lost in his scapegoating that he didn't notice he was thrown out on his ass until his body slammed to the ground. Looking up after staring at the asphalt dumbly, he saw Shizuo easily climb into the driver's seat. Shinra was more visibly surprised than Izaya; an 'um…' was uttered but silenced even without Shizuo having to turn to glare.

The man looked remarkably calm, Izaya noted. His face was vacant of any expression as he took out the pack of cigarettes Celty had given him. The carton was shaken expertly with a trained flick of his wrist. A single one was edged out, taken between his lips and lit, hand cupping the flame.

It was then that Izaya realized: until yesterday, Shizuo hadn't had a single smoke.

In such a high pressure situation, many smokers would have set off to find cigarettes instead of food, as Shizuo had done. But at every grocery store, Shizuo gathered the basic necessities they needed, never once picking up cigarettes.

 _What self restraint…_ Izaya thought, a grin on his face that bordered on maniacal.

Because, after all, it was _hilarious_.

It was hilarious that driven-by-emotion Heiwajima Shizuo had been the one to finally trip up planned, organized, calculating Orihara Izaya. Heiwajima Shizuo had finally found a way to take Orihara Izaya down; he'd gotten inside Izaya's head, messed with the way he thought, made it so Izaya was now in this situation.

After all, it wasn't as if Izaya would have _ever_ been in this situation if entirely by himself. He was so smart, so strategic, he'd be able to survive.

So the fact that he was here now, that he felt hopeless, it was entirely because of Shizuo, because _Shizu-chan is a parasite and I can't believe he used me as his host…!_

"What," Izaya drawled, voice letting slip only a bit of the hysteria that he was still trying his best to ignore, "Shizu-chan decided that an apocalypse was the best time to lessen his smoking? Why pick up one now, then? You've done so well, after all…! Tell me, Shizu-chan, why didn't you look for any? Tell me to go die in hell, fuck off so you could find them? We've even got gas in the back! If you had a lighter, you could've doused me in gasoline and lit me on fire, isn't that what Shizu-chan always wanted?!"

"Izaya," Shinra's voice piped up, "I think you need a nap."

 _"Shut up, Shinra!_ "

Shizuo finally glanced at Izaya. The corners of his mouth were tugged downwards and Izaya was _infuriated_ to know that Shizuo's look, his _composed_ look of disgust, was a testament to his control of his temper over Izaya's uncharacteristically expressive face. His brow was knit and he could feel blood dripping down his chin from his lip; his eyes were furious and his fingers stung from scratching at the ground. His arms couldn't stop shaking; he could actually _see_ the scene of him attacking Shizuo play out, but because it wouldn't end well for him, he restrained himself, just glared at him with a look of utter disgust and contempt.

_It's your fault._

_You're why we're like this._

_Why I'm like this._

_This is all your fault._

_**All of it.** _

In the deadlock of gazes that surely couldn't have lasted more than a minute, Shizuo was the first to move. He gave a sigh and reached into his pocket, took out a tissue and tossed it to Izaya. A drag from his cigarette followed, though he did make a note to blow the smoke out the door instead of towards the wheel, letting some of it circulate in the RV.

"Get in," he said lowly and took the keys from Shinra afterwards, igniting the engine. "Or I'll drive off without you and you'll have to run."

Legs shaking, Izaya stood after a moment. His fingers unfurled as he stared at Shizuo for a moment longer, indulged in the fantasy of taking his cigarette and pressing the light end to his face before walking around the vehicle stiffly. He climbed up the stairs and closed the door behind him; Shinra glanced at him as Izaya made his way to the back to lie down in a cot. His pride didn't let him speak or look at anyone and no one, besides Shinra's glance, attempted to make eye contact with him.

Izaya didn't mind.

Shizuo began driving before Izaya had lain down and so he stumbled a bit. Once he was lying, he gave a shaky sigh, swallowed thickly. One arm rested over his eyes and, suddenly, his lips quirked into a smirk that grew and grew until it turned into a chuckle.

And then the chuckle turned into peals of laughter that the other three seemed to ignore; Izaya was left to laugh alone.

He laughed until his stomach hurt, at which point he gasped for breath. One arm held himself as he rolled over on his side, still chuckling quietly under his breath.

Because it was _funny_.

It was _funny_ how even though he had survived, that despite all these dead bodies, he and Shizuo had survived _together_. The two strongest men in Ikebukuro who hated each other more than anything, wanted each other dead actually worked together. And what was _funny_ was that Izaya had gone from the reason that Shizuo was alive to the other way around.

When they'd met, Izaya was fairly certain Shizuo was waiting to die, holed up in that tiny, pathetic excuse of a place to live. He'd been waiting for days to pass; counted sunsets and sunrises, waited until either something killed him, someone killed him, or he killed himself. Izaya was sure of it. Heiwajima Shizuo was strong but didn't do too well with being entirely alone and having no one left. And after seeing his friends, acquaintances, _brother_ dead, had it not been for Izaya, he would have given up and lost the will to live.

But he didn't because there was a reason not to:

He gave Izaya his word.

Something as simple as a promise to his arch nemesis was enough to give Heiwajima Shizuo a reason to live. Even to Orihara Izaya, who had been the bane of existence for so many years, he'd keep his word; he was that sort of a morally upstanding citizen of a country that had been decimated by the undead.

And now?

Shizuo was the one who was remaining calm. Izaya didn't know where they were going and he didn't know if Shizuo did either, but the fact he'd taken charge showed that he wasn't giving up.

Izaya didn't know what he would have done if Shizuo hadn't yanked him out of that seat, how long he would've sat there.

_Does this count as Shizu-chan saving me?_

_Shizu-chan saving me…_

_Twice?_

Another laugh that shook his entire frame.

_This is hilarious…!_

_First he gets me into this mess and now this… like he thinks this makes up for it?! What an idiot!_

_As if saving me makes up for ruining me!_

Izaya denied many things but denial of denial was at the top of the list.

The RV braked so suddenly Izaya slid down the bed, taking the sheets with him. He didn't know how long they'd been driving for, but judging by how much his stomach ached, he decided that he'd been laughing by himself for quite a while.

Giving a childish frown, he sat up, hand grasping one of the poles. He had calmed considerably; he was far less frenzied and didn't feel any sort of overwhelming impulse. A giddiness still circulated in his blood stream; it was as if he could burst into laughter again at any moment, seemingly delirious from the disappointment, but he was much closer to the Izaya that he was expected to be.

He craned his neck to be able to see what was going on; Shizuo and Shinra's mouths were moving, Celty standing behind the doctor and looking between them, occasionally jumping in with her PDA. Izaya couldn't hear and he didn't feel like walking up there; he just stared at Shizuo, glared at him.

_I never asked to be saved by him._

_Saved by a monster…_

_How tragic._

_How disgusting._

_This is what I've become…?_

Shizuo gave a nod. He opened the door and one foot was out before Celty stopped him with a hand on his shoulder. Looking over, the headless rider held up a hand.

_Wait._

Shadows enveloped Shizuo; he seemed a bit surprised but stayed still as they slowly began to take shape into a full body suit of armor, helmet included. It was handy, Izaya thought; that would certainly be a good defense against the zombies.

Her helmet gave a nod that Shizuo reciprocated and he was out of the vehicle. Izaya's eyes followed him as he walked across the RV and then he moved to the cot across from him to be able to look out the window. Shizuo had stopped in front of a building; the top floor had windows reminiscent of an apartment, based on the dead plants and decorative curtains. The first floor was different; there were tables outside but nothing on them, so it was the signs advertising sales that gave away it used to be a store.

Shizuo entered through the glass door and Izaya could still hear the wind chimes as the door moved on its hinges. Glimpses of Shizuo were seen through the window, though he was harder to detect when outfitted in black, hair hidden by the helmet. Izaya didn't know how much time passed; he just kept watching for glimpses of Shizuo through the windows. He'd gone upstairs at some point because Izaya saw him in the second floor windows; he appeared a few more times before stopping at one, giving a nod and a thumbs up.

Shinra's door opened first. Izaya followed after a moment; loose stones crunched beneath the soles of his feet. His eyes were narrowed as Shizuo came back out, the shadows disappearing with a wave of Celty's hands. He was more composed now; Shizuo continued to ignore him and looked at Shinra and Celty instead.

"It's clear," he said in his gruff voice. He took out another cigarette. "It's actually pretty unharmed, which is nice. Store is still stocked. Meat and produce are bad, but there are dry and canned goods that we can eat. Pretty sure there are forests a bit further out that way," he said, gesturing towards the east. "We can hunt there for meat. The second floor apartment is good too. Undamaged, in good shape. It's kind of bare but there's a stove and refrigerator and stuff. We'll need to get furniture. I'm sure we'll find that somewhere."

"So we just stay here?" Shinra asked.

Shizuo nodded. "I mean… yeah. We need somewhere to live until we figure out what to do. We could stay in the RV but this would be more comfortable. And who knows how long it'll take us to figure something out. Or when we'll all be sane again."

Izaya ignored that comment, just gave another immature frown.

Celty tapped something on her PDA and held it up.

_Sounds like a plan to me. Thanks for taking charge, Shizuo._

Shizuo shrugged, scratching his nose.

"It's nothin'. I mean, someone has to. Everyone okay with this?"

By 'everyone' he meant Izaya, as he was the only one who hadn't said anything. Red eyes were narrowed and glaring, but a quiet 'fine' was breathed and he turned around to begin moving essentials from the RV into the apartment silently.

For someone who was beyond angry at Izaya for what he _supposed_ was a legitimate reason, Shizuo was being unexpectedly mature and civil about it. He was able to act in an unbiased manner and recognize the group's need over his own personal feelings.

How long had he been like this? Since when could he function like a mature adult?

Izaya didn't like it.

_Exceeding expectations as always, Shizu-chan._

_But are you going to be able to figure out what to do now?_

_And, by the way…_

_I'm not insane._

_Rude._

**may 12, 4:31 p.m.**

Over the course of the last week, they'd slowly made the apartment into a proper home.

The first night they arrived, they'd set out for mattress and bedding. That was top priority, as none of them wanted to sleep on the ground or in the RV when they had an apartment available. Shizuo and Celty went out together; with Shizuo's strength and Celty's shadows, it made more sense for the two of them. Shooter also was a much more efficient way to get around, both in terms of silence and speed.

They'd also taken the liberty to check the city and make sure there were no obviously infested areas. Despite the city being deserted, there were few zombies. Celty had wondered why and Shizuo shrugged, said maybe everyone had left. Maybe the facility had been destroyed but the people hadn't died, so instead of lingering around they all packed up and went elsewhere.

Celty had nodded.

_That sounds reasonable._

_"Wonder where they went… if they're still alive."_

She had nothing to say to that.

They canvassed the department stores first, both feeling more at ease taking from stores instead of someone's home on the off chance they came back. They were able to find plenty of sheets and pillows; Shizuo was impressed with how much Celty's shadows could hold, compared them to black holes, watched her shoulders shake and knew that was her laughing. They found kitchenware, toiletries, rugs, curtains, clothes, essentially everything needed to live a normal life.

However, only two mattresses.

It was getting late and they agreed they could try again tomorrow; two mattresses were better than none at all, certainly better than one (a _certain_ someone would loathe the idea of taking turns.) Before returning, they had checked grocery stores and were glad to find water; Shizuo brought over large trolleys from department stores and took as much water as he and Celty could pile.

After all, it seemed no one else was here. There was no competition.

_"You think we should plant a garden?" Shizuo asked, pulling the trolleys. He'd found rope and linked the three of them together; it looked odd and Celty was surprised it was working as well as it did. She walked besides Shizuo, Shooter helping to carry some of their haul as well._

_Her helmet gave a nod and held up her PDA._

Yes! We need fresh fruits and vegetables. But… do you think we'll be here that long?

_Shizuo gave an easy shrug._

_"Maybe. Until we figure out where to go. And if we don't, it's not a huge loss. We just take the seeds and try again elsewhere, right? Or we keep them in pots. Tomato plants should be okay for that, right?"_

_Celty's helmet nodded again. They walked for a while without exchanging words; Shizuo had finished his pack of cigarettes and Celty was quick to notice he'd picked up lollipops instead, frequently had one of the sticks in his mouth to chew._

_She admired his leadership and his realistic thinking. Shizuo had always been straightforward and simple, but that was something that was rare in this situation. In a world where everyone was concerned, Shizuo was one of the few who still kept things in perspective._

Shizuo, may I ask you something?

_He nodded. They stood still as she began typing and Shizuo looked around as he waited, as if seeing if there was anything else. All the money he'd withdrawn was gone; he'd left it at the various stores they went to. It certainly wasn't enough to cover everything, but at least he tried._

You seem strangely calm about all this… Izaya was upset, understandably, and Shinra… well, Shinra's being Shinra. But you… aren't you feeling hopeless? We don't know what to do now and we haven't seen anyone else in weeks.

 _Blinking when he finished reading, Shizuo straightened. His clothes had undergone another change; he'd long ago stop wearing the bartender uniform_ , _instead just folding it and keeping it with Kasuka's note. He began wearing, it seemed, whatever was comfortable and loose. Celty recognized the style from his days off, when he wasn't working._

_"Well, there's no use sulking," Shizuo mumbled finally, hand running through his hair. "Yeah, I don't know what we're going to do next either. But I do know if we all just start laughing like that piece of shit, we'll probably be too busy cacklin' to notice that zombies are eating us. We're still alive. Sometimes it's best to just focus on the present instead of always worry about the future."_

They had returned to Shinra and Izaya playing a game of poker. They had been assigned the duty of making sure the apartment was secure and had no weak spots that zombies could take advantage of as well as doing a general clean to rid the place of dust. Shinra proudly reported that there was nothing as he leapt up to hug Celty. Izaya's eyes flicked towards Shizuo's frame without looking directly at him, not budging when he heard the mattresses set down.

"Only two?" Shinra asked, smiling and turning to Celty. "Oh, Celty—wait…"

He froze and turned to Izaya and then Shizuo and his face fell, giving a desperate wail upon realizing he'd have to share with Izaya because there was no way Shizuo and Izaya would share one.

"Shizuo! Don't you dare do anything impure towards my Celty!"

Shizuo's eyes narrowed and his hand reached up to take the lollipop stick out of his mouth when Shinra retracted his words, laughing 'o-of course you wouldn't please don't hurt me!'

Fitted sheets were stretched over the mattresses. The apartment had a kitchen, living room, and bedroom. One mattress was put in the bedroom and the other in the living room; Shinra's sulking lessened a bit when they agreed that he and Izaya could take the bedroom. Curtains were also put up by Celty; when Izaya dryly remarked they didn't have anyone to require privacy from, she whipped out her PDA to snap:

_And there's no downside to putting them up. There's still the sun, isn't there?_

Izaya gave a shrug.

They were surprised to discover running water and electricity; it was a mystery as to _how_ and definitely how much longer they would have it. Both were to be used sparingly. There was no need for a shower or a bath, but they could use it to fill a bucket and have sponge baths instead. For the time being, they could actually _cook_ and that was exciting.

Shizuo and Celty set up a small garden the next day. Izaya had gone out for air when he saw the two working the soil. He went over to drawl 'testing your green thumbs?' which Shizuo ignored. He had found seeds during one of his runs with Celty and Izaya recognized that they were easy to grow, fast as well. They also had pots and Izaya also recognized that to be in case they suddenly had to leave.

_Wonder how well that could possibly work out._

During this entire week, Izaya hadn't lingered on the terrifying _what's next?_ question that pressed in his mind. He spent most days outside, wandering the city. If he gave them a chance, he'd be told to stay home and protected Shinra. Celty was obviously a prime candidate to go on runs: no risk of dying, no risk of turning, had Shooter, also had shadows. Shizuo was the next choice because of his strength and the fact that he got along well with Celty. But Izaya didn't want to stay at home and so he'd slip out early.

He was better than before; a week of rest had done miraculous things for him. It calmed him down, helped him to regain a sense of control, if only over how he acted and how he felt. It was still terrifying and it was still something he didn't want to admit. But there were no more sudden bursts of laughter and he'd taken several steps back from crossing a line.

He'd scale walls for fun, jump over structures, make sure he could move as he always could; he wanted to stay in tip top shape for when they had to be on the run again. He usually didn't bring home much because he wasn't able to carry huge loads like Celty and Shizuo could. But occasionally he would return with grocery bags, small luxuries like coffee and snacks. He once found cigarettes and brought them back, hiding them with his things.

Once a full week passed, he was more or less back to how Orihara Izaya normally was. Shinra teased him from time to time about the crack in his demeanor but Izaya would shut him down easily and with a cold smile.

"Celty," he murmured, tracking her down in the late afternoon. "Take me to the forest."

_Why?_

"To hunt."

_I'll get Shinra._

Walking past him, she was stopped by Izaya's hand on her arm. She jerked away and turned to him, grabbed her helmet and nodded at 'he's not quiet enough for hunting.'

Given that Celty had to concentrate on driving and that she couldn't talk, it was, expectedly, quiet. In all honesty, Izaya had never hunted. During his daily city strolls, he'd picked up some books, a few of them regarding camping. He'd read up on hunting and how to prepare meet; with the electricity running as long as the infrastructure wasn't damaged, or so he assumed, they'd be able to store the meat. And if not, the three of them could probably finish at least most of a decent sized animal.

Like Shizuo said, there were forests. When they arrived, Izaya stood and pulled out a knife. Celty put a hand on his shoulder to stop him; when he turned, she had her PDA up and a bow and arrow made from her shadows.

_It'll be easier with this._

"Ah, that's true… I'm glad you're here."

She had nothing to say in response to that. Izaya loitered behind her, mostly kept watch for zombies. In the spirit of hunting, he'd stayed quiet and didn't make the comments he normally would to get a reaction out of her. At first he'd wondered if there were even animals _left_ but they found a deer. Celty's arrow struck it cleanly, shadows disappearing as she approached it. Izaya gave a nod as he bent down to inspect it.

"We'll take it back. Now Shinra can help."

Standing, he turned to her and blinked before smirking.

"Now, now. Don't look at me like that. I'm part of the reason why Shizu-chan is still here."

Celty used shadows to envelop the deer for transportation. But before they got back on Shooter, she held up her PDA:

_And he's the reason you're still here now._

Izaya said nothing.

**may 16, 11:23 p.m.**

"Shizu-chan, get up. We need to talk."

Izaya was surprised Shizuo _did_ follow him out. He was roused by Izaya standing next to him, murmuring his name in a quiet voice. The informant had never gone to sleep; he sat against a wall reading a book until Shinra fell asleep, was annoyed to see his limbs splaying over onto his side of the mattress. That, he decided as he closed his book and stood, would be something he'd deal with upon getting back if he was still alive.

They also needed lights.

Luckily for him, the moon was out tonight and Celty hadn't had enough curtains, leaving one window in the living room unblocked. Whether or not she was asleep, Izaya didn't know, but he spoke in a low voice anyway. For a heavy sleeper, Shizuo was roused easily.

Izaya wondered if Shizuo also had trouble trusting enough to really _sleep_.

Shoes were slipped on and each took a weapon as they went outside, just in case. Waiting until the doors closed—Shizuo had taken down the wind chimes because he found them annoying—Izaya gave a sigh and turned to him.

He really didn't _want_ to have this talk, but as part of his newly back-to-his-normal-state-of-mind thought process, this was _needed_.

"Not that I particularly care… but Shizu-chan can't ignore me forever."

He craned his neck to stretch it out, looked at Shizuo impassively and with a bored expression. "Is it still about Namie?" he asked easily.

Shizuo was quiet for a moment and instead of talking more, Izaya waited. Maybe in the past he would've kept talking to fill the silence with his own voice, but he'd learned that sometimes silence was beautiful and that annoying Shizuo wasn't always worth it. It was odd to know he was now purposely doing things to _not_ annoy Shizuo.

As for whether his presence still annoyed him or not, Izaya was sure it did. But Shizuo was certainly getting better at not showing it.

_Mm… maybe if we'd met under different circumstances, we could've gotten along…_

_What a strange and disturbing thought._

"It's not just that," Shizuo said tiredly. Izaya wondered if his voice had always been that fatigued, miserable, _experienced_ sounding. Shizuo always had a voice that very easily could sound angry—because he did get angry a lot—but Izaya had never thought it to be the voice of someone who was a survivor, had seen things they didn't want to.

_Well, of course._

_All of us are survivors now._

_We've all seen things we didn't want to…_

"Do elaborate," Izaya murmured. "How exciting… this is our first proper conversation. Too bad we don't have champagne to celebrate with, mm?"

Shizuo scoffed, mumbled something incoherent under his breath. He took a few steps, paused, and then walked around Izaya. The RV was enclosed in shadows again; it almost blended into the darkness, though pure black didn't quite match the surroundings. Shizuo's hands were in the pockets of his pajama pants; he leaned back to be able to look up at the sky, give a heavy sigh.

Izaya wished he'd brought his phone. He could be playing a game or something.

"It's not just Namie," he murmured, almost echoing what he said. "It's… fuck. You're so… _tiring_."

Izaya hummed.

"I am many things indeed."

Shizuo fell silent again. Izaya, since he clearly had time to think, decided that he could coin the term _respect_ as the reason he wasn't annoying Shizuo on purpose. Because his intention wasn't to not irritate him and there wasn't any sort of personal gain, but to think that he _respected_ Shizuo was absolutely disgusting and atrocious.

Respect?

A _monster_?

Shizuo had held up rather impressively during all of this, even taking charge when Izaya had a moment of weakness. But that didn't mean he _respected_ him.

Izaya discarded that term because it was wrong; someone like him could never _respect_ Shizuo.

_Disgusting…_

"In terms of Namie," Izaya sighed, deciding he'd have to prod Shizuo a bit if he intended on sleeping at all, "I did her a _favor_ —"

" _Fuck_ you."

Shizuo's voice was no longer quiet, dull, and lifeless. The vulgarity was hissed and Shizuo looked over his shoulder, glared menacingly at the one person who was the recipient of such a look the most often. An eyebrow arched as Shizuo turned around. He could only imagine how tightly his fists were clutching in his pockets and he mumbled 'here we go' under his breath.

"Don't you _dare_ say you did her a favor. You're not god, you don't decide who lives who dies, you sure as fuck can't say you put someone out of their misery—"

"I freed her."

"And who the fuck are you to decide she _wanted_ that?! Since when did you have the power to decide who lives and who dies?!"

Izaya remained silent, just watched him evenly.

"You fuckin' _lied_ to us. Somethin' like that… there wasn't even a damn good reason to lie about it! She did that because she didn't know; otherwise she'd be alive, I know it! And right after we promised Chikage…"

"I never asked such a thing from her," Izaya said quietly, eyes hardening. He was getting tired of repeating that, even more tired of the fact that Shizuo would never accept that factual explanation.

"She did it because she felt like she fuckin' owed you! And who blames her?! Maybe if some goddamn normal person saved her, she wouldn't feel indebted. But with you, nothin' good comes without a price because you're a selfish bastard! Hell, I probably would've fuckin' done something like that—"

"Really?" Izaya asked, interest piquing and tilting his head. "Shizu-chan would save me?"

Shizuo stared at him.

"Of-fuckin-course! We made an agreement, didn't we?! I'm human, you're human. We have to look out for each other! I don't know what the hell it is with you and not showin' emotion but… fuck, you've killed three people. Why the hell aren't you showin' any sign of remorse? There's nothing _wrong_ with having a weakness! What _is_ wrong is that you ignore it and get on your damn high horse, parade around like you did the right thing and it doesn't matter! I hate people who lie to themselves!"

Breaking off, Shizuo's panting was the only thing filling the silence. Izaya wouldn't be surprised if Shinra and Celty were peering at them from a window; Shizuo's voice had gotten rather loud, almost to the point of yelling. Still frowning, Izaya just stared at him without saying anything, took in Shizuo's messy hair, his glare, his heaving shoulders.

And then:

"If Shizu-chan hates me so much," he said quietly. "Why hasn't he killed me?"

"…Because."

Shizuo gave an exhausted sigh, pushed his hair back and avoided looking at him.

"We're partners… and you're human. I don't… want to kill a human."

Staring and feeling the heavy silence weighing on both of them, Izaya mumbled 'let's go back inside.' But just as he turned, Shizuo spoke again, his next words causing Izaya to scowl.

"…You've changed."

Despite having just been yelling earlier, Shizuo's voice was graver, quieter, holding a hint of wonder at his discovery. Izaya didn't quite like it; he didn't want to admit Shizuo was right, but knew better than to deny it outright.

Because there were things that even he had to come to face with.

It was silly to think Shizuo wouldn't notice his near mental break.

"Shizu-chan needs some sleep."

"You're still a fucking piece of shit," Shizuo continued, hesitating. "But… you're different. Just a bit. And—"

"Shizu-chan's clearly delirious," Izaya interrupted. "We should pick up more water. Or maybe dog treats? Shizu-chan deserves something special."

"Oi, listen to-!"

"Shizu-chan doesn't know what he's saying."

Izaya cut him off, silencing him decisively with a cold glare thrown over his shoulder. Shizuo's breath hitched and ultimately settled on returning the glare, scowling. That surprised, almost curious look was gone; the soft expression had disappeared to be replaced by the one Shizuo most often adopted when dealing with Izaya.

"Shizu-chan's changed. I'm not sure what I expected of you besides being a monster, but, I must admit, you've exceeded some of my expectations and fallen severely short of them. But you have changed. But that doesn't mean you can accuse me of the same thing."

Giving a cruel, almost taunting smirk, Izaya turned back around and began heading back upstairs.

"I'm _nothing_ like you. Don't ever insinuate otherwise."


	14. no such thing as a happy ending

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "there's no such thing as a happy ending."

_**chapter fourteen:** _ _the two of us_

**may 29, 7:43 p.m.**

They were happy.

Shizuo didn't think he'd ever use that word again.

After their talk, the relationship between Shizuo and Izaya improved considerably. They certainly weren't friends and didn't like each other, not even a bit. But they'd look at each other, talk to each other, occasionally agree to go on runs together. Izaya was quick, could easily jump to high ledges for a bird's eye view and Shizuo could carry, it seemed, anything. Shinra was pleased with this too; it meant Celty could stay home with them. Peace between Shizuo and Izaya had always been delicate and fragile, but it seemed the end of the world brought them closer.

 _"Well, of course,"_ Shinra had said when Shizuo muttered it one night. _"With fewer people around, you're forced to socialize with Izaya! You said it yourself, Shizuo. Maybe you and Izaya could've been friends."_

They had found another mattress one afternoon; that was Shizuo and Izaya's first mission together. They'd agreed that Celty and Shinra could share the mattress in the bedroom and the two of them would each have a mattress to themselves in the living room. Izaya decided to opt for a memory foam one since Shizuo didn't care (and was pleased with the one he had anyway.) There were a few tense hours during which Izaya wanted to go all around the city to find _acceptable_ sheets for himself.

_"Why the fuck do you need special ass sheets?!"_

_"I'm making the best of a bad situation."_

_"Just cover your scrawny ass with paper towels!"_

_"But we should conserve those, Shizu-chan!"_

The only reason Shizuo didn't throw him through any walls was because they found a grocery store where electricity was still running, where they had _milk_. Izaya had been surprise, wondered how this store had held out the longest as he looked around in awe. Judging by its current state, it was a small family owned business that persevered as long as it could.

_"Well… not that spoiled milk could harm Shizu-chan when bullets can't."_

_"Go find your fuckin' sheets."_

They returned that night and Shinra just stared at Shizuo pulling a trolley of milk and Izaya holding bedding and pillows. Blinking, he adjusted his glasses as he watched the two quietly begin to put things away, Shizuo going back down to bring up the mattress.

"… _So you guys really only went out for yourselves today."_

The meat was _delicious_. They'd found spices and the like, let Celty prepare and Shizuo help. Shizuo had started planting some vegetables. A few were ready and they ate them, glad for food with actual nutritional value. Shinra spent most of his days gushing over Celty, who poured over cookbooks when she wasn't making sure everyone was safe.

They were doing fine. They were doing well, if anything; Izaya was learning how to at least tell the general emotion Celty was feeling by her shadows and knew she was content, less worried and stressed than she had been. She and Shinra were constantly together except the times she managed to slip away or Izaya needed to talk to him. Shizuo and Izaya's relationships was as it always was, though both Celty and Shinra noted that it was quieter, more calm. At times, they'd actually be sitting against the same wall and not be throwing venom.

Izaya's days started out with very little quiet time to more and more. When Shinra had chirped that his avoidance issues were flaring again, Izaya had frowned at him and made it a point to stop hanging out with him. Not that Shinra cared what he thought, but Izaya informed him that he was a terrible person to be around.

_"Takes one to know one!"_

Days that started as constant chatter and movement slowly dwindled down to reading and silence. Izaya would spend endless hours reading, pouring over maps and books. He'd take walks, just to enjoy the sunshine and make sure he retained his physical abilities. If he did speak, it was with Shinra; despite how often Shinra was attached to Celty, there were times he would play a game of chess with Izaya.

Their relationship, as always, was one of banters and dry insults, veiled and returned with smiles. They touched on the topic of what to do next a few times but never lingered.

Surprisingly, Izaya was the one who changed topics.

He didn't know and didn't want to focus on it. For now, they were okay. And as long as he didn't think about it too much, it was _fine_ to be _fine_. This felt like a home; this felt like a life. This was living, not just surviving. For the past month, this felt _normal_ and even Izaya wanted normalcy for a bit. Shizuo had set up a few graves; he used rocks at first until he found wood and markers and Izaya silently watched him write down the names of those they had lost. He had disappeared and come back with flowers, handed them wordlessly to Shizuo.

Izaya, relatively speaking, was also doing fine. A bit tense, a bit strange, definitely odd and struggling, but clearly avoiding any sort of admittance to his less than stable mentality. He decided to force being fine until it would come naturally, at least feign it for the other three. He relaxed, he toured the city, he read, he kept his knives sharp. He had found a prison one day and would go there sometimes when he was feeling particularly pent up and kill some zombies. He'd come close to having flesh ripped off of him, but he relished in that adrenaline. Feeling softened bone crush beneath his feet, hearing moans and squelching, even just having blood speckle on his skin eased the pent up anxiety.

One day, though, Shizuo saw him. Izaya had been about to kill three with one slash, but Shizuo caught him midair and pulled him back over the fence, started yelling at him, ignoring the zombies on the other side of the fence. Izaya's eyes had flicked to the metal; he hoped that it wouldn't give out, but considering how few zombies there were today, it would more likely than not be fine.

Izaya just stood there and stared blankly at Shizuo as he yelled, waited until he was finished to smile a practiced curve of his lips.

_"What does it matter? I'm immune, right? It's fine if I get bit. It's good to stay in shape; we don't want to be caught off guard if something does happen."_

_"Then go fuckin' run or something!"_

_"Running isn't the same as practicing killing."_

Izaya had to start sneaking out to the prison after that. He was sure Shizuo still knew but, apparently, if he made an attempt to appear like he had stopped, Shizuo would be less strict about not allowing him. Shizuo was Shizuo; stubborn as hell, but everything that had happened had exhausted him and no longer had the energy to fight with Izaya over every little thing, especially if he wasn't at _immediate_ risk, especially if he wasn't endangering anyone else.

Shizuo, out of all of them, had the easiest time adapting. If Izaya had been the most fidgety, Shizuo was certainly the least. Once they had settled in, there was a period of a few days where he did nothing. He had done his part in helping to set up; he had done most of the heavy, physical labor. While Shinra and Izaya planned, he was the one who retrieved, moved, lifted things. He was quiet and obedient; Shinra had joked that he worked like a zombie before promptly retracting his joke at realizing the current state of his world.

But once everything was set up and there were no more necessarily daily runs, he seemed to just _stop_. He spent his days lounging around, either lying in bed or sitting somewhere, staring at either nothing or the picture of Kasuka. No one bothered him. They went about their business and kept from disturbing him; they understood that, finally, he had the time to properly mourn everything had happened.

Celty would go over sometimes and sit by him, rub his back soothingly.

 _Are you all right?_ her PDA would show.

Shizuo would give a tired smile.

_"I will be. Thanks."_

Izaya had spared him a glance the first few days, but said nothing, kept his distance. There was one afternoon where he came back, left a pudding cup by Shizuo. When he looked up tiredly and slightly suspiciously, Izaya smirked.

_"When Shizu-chan's done, I'll take him to more."_

Life was starting over with just the four of them.

"Izaya?"

Izaya turned a page in a new book; one of the nice things about settling down was that he had time to find new books and read them. He was getting tired of reading Shizuo's book over and over again. By this point, he'd more or less memorized every word in the book.

"Yes?"

"What are we going to do next?"

At hearing Shinra's question, Izaya's hands froze for a moment. The corner of a page was held between his fingers and he rubbed the page slowly. He exhaled the tension with a sigh and turned after a moment, reached for a bookmark to mark his place before sitting up. "What makes you ask that?"

"The fact that we're in a zombie apocalypse and we're currently sitting ducks," Shinra said easily, going back to cleaning his scalpels and arranging them. He'd always asked sensitive, possibly upsetting questions with a bright tone; Izaya always assumed it had to do with the fact that Shinra only really cared about Celty. The woman and Shizuo were out on a run; they'd been out for a while, as they always were. Sometimes they came back with many things, other times not so much. Izaya thought they probably spent time just walking outside. It was a relatively safe city and Shizuo would enjoy the sunshine.

He was like a cat.

"…I'm not sure," Izaya said finally with a sigh. The book was closed and set aside.

"Well," Shinra murmured, "I think we could just stay here."

It was easy for Izaya to see why.

It was safe. They'd been living there for almost a month and the most dangerous thing that had happened was Izaya pissing off Shizuo, something that everyone had grown accustomed to. Izaya was sure that at some point, food would run out in Kumamoto. But that would be a long time from now; the city was huge and they'd barely begun to clear out the stores just on the block. They could drive to other cities if they needed for larger hauls, keep hunting for animals. Staying meant Shizuo's vegetable garden would have more time to flourish as well.

Izaya still didn't sure how long the electricity or water would keep going for, but hopefully a while. All in all, it was a miracle they'd stumbled across a living arrangement this convenient.

Staying also meant that no one would be at risk and Celty would stop worrying about Shinra.

Staying meant a normal life.

Staying meant Shinra could get what he wanted with Celty.

For all Izaya knew, Shinra already had plans to find his own apartment with Celty. It wasn't necessarily a bad thing; Izaya just preferred the four of them together because of Shinra's medical expertise and Celty's shadows and protection.

Staying, for now, was good for Izaya.

Staying, for now, was good; staying was fine, but Izaya didn't intend on _staying_ forever. He didn't want to entertain the idea of staying like this for the rest of his life, of doing nothing, having no one. Just living in an apartment in a deserted city was not the end Izaya wanted.

He had been glad for safety but safety was getting _boring_.

"Are you sure that's not just you being selfish?" Izaya asked, looking up.

Shinra matched his gaze.

"You don't have to stay."

"It's safer if we stay together."

"It's safe here."

"You're ready to die just like this?"

"As long as I'm with Celty, yes."

"You're the same as always, Shinra," Izaya murmured dryly. "Only concerned about Celty…"

"And what about you?"

Eyes narrowed, Izaya looked up at Shinra. He just gave a smile as he finished the last of his instruments, set it down before facing his middle school friend.

"You only care about yourself, as always. Though you have been surprisingly patient with Shizuo. Commendable!"

"Shizu-chan's proven to be quite useful."

"Haa?! What's this, you're _praising_ him? Don't go falling in love with him, Izaya…!"

Izaya stared at Shinra before breaking out into laughter that had an arm holding his stomach, the other palm pressed to the ground to keep him from falling over. He laughed until tears threatened the corners of his eyes, ones that he wiped away with a sleeve as he straightened.

"That's hilarious, Shinra. Really, though…"

Giving a few more chuckles, the curve that remained quickly morphed into something dark.

"That's absurd. _Me_ have feelings like that for _Shizu-chan_? Ludicrous."

"Must be lonely to be unable to love…" Shinra sighed, shaking his head. His instruments were placed on a shelf, right next to all the first-aid equipment, and he ran his fingers over the wood to examine dust collection. "You're so guarded, Izaya. Even now."

"Did you expect anything different?" he drawled, arms folding behind his head as he leaned back against the wall to watch Shinra. "And that's mean… to assume I _can't_. I _can_ I just _don't_. Though, I'm not against it…"

"You're strange, Izaya," Shinra said airily.

"You're afraid to open your heart up, and yet if you were to, you'd want someone who would probably hurt you. Maybe you are better off alone. Ah!"

At this point, Izaya had closed his eyes. There were some things Shinra said that he didn't mind listening to, but most of what he said Izaya didn't want to hear. But at his exclamation, one eye opened to look at Shinra and he immediately didn't like that grin.

"You know how they say your greatest love is from somewhere unexpected. Shizuo might be perfect for you!"

"…I don't think anyone says that, Shinra."

**june 16, 7:53 p.m.**

They had hot pot one night, found some beers for Izaya and Shinra, Shizuo had his milk, and Celty had them. They had vegetables and meat, were _happy_. Shinra laughed. Celty's shadows were happy again. Shizuo even gave a small chuckle from time to time between bites of food, even ate all his vegetables. Izaya gave softer smirks.

They still weren't sure what to do. They had been avoiding the topic but as time passed, they'd bring it up before hopelessness would silence them and they'd talk about something else. But one day they had had a long conversation about it, tossed around ideas.

Keep going from city to city?

_"Aah, we've hit some of the largest ones and there was absolutely nothing."_

Flee the country?

_"It's not as if we could Google how to fly a plane or drive a boat… besides, how would we even know which way to go?"_

A lover's suicide?

Shinra quickly took his words back when Shizuo and Izaya both gave him terrifyingly deadpan glares.

_"Kidding! Kidding!"_

They had fallen silent again, sitting around the table. They moved it close to the window; at any given time, one of them was watching to make sure there were no zombies. But the meeting was important and they needed everyone, so the easy solution was to hold it by the window, where at least one of them would probably see if something was approaching them.

Celty held up her PDA.

_Let's just see how long we can stay like this._

_It's nice, isn't it?_

They had been quiet for a bit before finally nodding, murmured that that seemed to be the best solution. There was no rush to go anywhere; they had no one to meet, nothing to do. They had one goal: to survive. Surviving here was probably as easy as it could get.

After dinner, they decided to go for a walk. It would be the first time all four had gone out together in the weeks they'd been here. Not a single zombie had approached their apartment; the watch-out was more paranoia and habit, as all four had difficulty accepting that they were _safe_ now. A celebration was in order for surviving until now, for setting up something that they could probably call a home.

It was almost too good to be true.

Celty used her shadows to lock and barricade the door _just in case_. It was unlikely the zombies would be able to break the door down, but they still wanted to be safe. They went to a park that Shizuo and Izaya would pass by often on the way to supply runs, a park with a hill that they could sit on. For some reason, Kumamoto seemed to have very, _very_ few zombies. They passed a few that they put down immediately, but for the most part, zombie sightings were rare. Regardless, they understood to not let their guard drop completely.

Sitting in grass, Izaya complained about how itchy it was, Shinra complained about bugs, Shizuo looked up at the sky, Celty tapped at her PDA to try to calm Shinra's complaining. Their ears were perked for the sound of the dead, something that surely would catch their attention. It was like an alarm; all four of them had been trained to respond immediately and appropriately to a groan like that.

Sometimes they'd hear it in a dream and wake in sheer terror.

_Shinra! I told you to bring bug repellant!_

" _Izaya! I told you to bring me bug repellant!"_

" _Did you? Sorry, must've forgotten."_

Izaya pointed out constellations, at Shinra's badgering, drawling out the names and pointing them out in a monotonous voice, obviously bored. Shizuo asked questions and Izaya found himself reciting histories and discovery dates, raising an eyebrow when Shinra asked why he knew all this useless information.

_"Ah? Useless is when it's not used… and I'm using it, aren't I?"_

It was surprising to Celty and Shinra that Shizuo was willingly asking questions and that Izaya was willingly and seriously answering them in such a straightforward fashion. It was almost like they were tolerating each other.

It was exactly as if they were tolerating each other.

Maybe an hour had passed before they stood up and decided to head back, Celty explaining they could stargaze from their windows. They were in such a good mood—even Izaya hadn't said anything _that_ rude all night—that the single zombie didn't even bother them. They were just a few blocks away from the apartment when they saw it. Izaya had noticed it first; he stopped walking and the other three followed his gaze to see it. Its clothes were tattered and shoes dragged along the pavement as it began approaching them, limping and growling. _"So who wants it?"_ Izaya had murmured, hands in his pockets and head lolling to smirk at them.

Shizuo grunted.

Nodding, Celty turned to begin walking, hand out to send a shadow. They heard a squelch and Izaya could see the shadow pierce the zombie in the corner of his eye before they were moving again. But Shinra's excited voice stalled them again; he was the only one still rooted to the spot, having watched the zombie's body crumple to the ground in morbid fascination.

_"Can I?!"_

Shinra was like a child in a candy store.

An excited child, vibrant and full of life. A child who had found candy, a child who was happy.

Izaya gave a sigh, rolled his neck and gave Celty and Shizuo a cursory glance. Their body language suggested no opposition; Shizuo had taken to leaning against a wall and Celty's helmet gave a nod. Izaya straightened and looked to Shinra.

"Go ahead. Just don't take too long and make sure you cover any cuts you have."

Shinra beamed and hurried over, taking out a scalpel—what kind of a person carried a scalpel on hand?, Izaya wondered—and Izaya watched him for a few minutes. He saw the glint of the blade that Shinra had produced and sighed, turning away. He'd seen enough blood and guts; it didn't matter if they spilled out in a much more orderly fashion. They were still spilling out.

Looking to Shizuo, Izaya murmured that they probably needed more meat; what they had left would last only tomorrow, that they should probably go hunting. "And Shizu-chan can carry it, right? Celty came with me last time."

Shizuo nodded.

"Sounds good. When should we leave?"

"Mm… morning?"

"All right."

Orihara Izaya was actually becoming a team player, to everyone's surprise. He actually asked and listened to what they said (but that wasn't to say he didn't offer a snarky response once in a while.) He was quieter. Gentler wasn't the right word because he was never gentle, but he was someone who Shizuo and Celty thought they could actually get along with. He still had his arrogance and what made him Izaya, but seemed slightly less selfish and self-absorbed.

Or maybe he hid it better.

Even Izaya admitted to this change; there were nights where he'd stay up, stare out the window and wonder how, why, when he became this person. Because what was the most startling and unsettling was knowing that he know had a certain level of trust in the three people he was with.

"Shinra," Izaya called out. "Hurry—"

"Celty!"

Izaya frowned at both Shinra interrupting him and Shinra interrupting him by calling someone else's name.

"Does it matter that you stabbed it through its neck and not head?"

Time froze for that one second, one second _too long_ , one second that their reflexes should not have taken. Shizuo pushed himself off the wall first and Celty was second; Izaya had turned just in time to watch the zombie sit up and sink its teeth into Shinra's arm while his head was still turned to face them.

**june 16, 11:48 p.m.**

_Can't you do something?! Anything?!_

"No," Shizuo mumbled. "…There's no cure."

The zombie was taken care of. Celty's shadows had stabbed it properly just a few seconds too late; they'd watched in horror as its decayed teeth sank into Shinra's arm, breaking the skin, watched his face grimace in horror. Staring at his arm, everyone was entirely silent; Celty was the first to move, type on her PDA:

_How are you feeling?_

"…All right for now," Shinra said, swallowing and looking up to Izaya. "Does that…"

"No," he said quietly. "…It takes a while for the infection to spread. We won't know unless you don't feel any of the symptoms for at least two days."

They brought him home quickly; Celty's entire body was shaking and Shinra put his good arm around her comfortingly, gave a small smile and kissed her neck. Shizuo's face was dark; he sat in the corner of the bedroom and Izaya was pacing.

He hadn't felt anxiety like this in weeks; it made his heart feel like it was on the verge of exploding. He felt lightheaded and at first didn't even hear Shinra call his name; it was only when Shizuo barked it that Izaya stopped, heard it muffled through the sound of his blood rushing through his ears.

His breath stilled; Shinra's mouth was moving but he couldn't hear anything, just stared at his arm and felt chills run through his body as he said:

"We can cut it off."

It was silent.

For several moments, Izaya didn't breathe. He murmured 'we can cut it off' again under his breath, over and over and then he was saying it out loud again, eyes lighting up. "That's right! The infection isn't immediate; as long as we get rid of the bite, then-!"

"WE'RE NOT CUTTING OFF HIS FUCKING ARM."

Grunting, Izaya felt the wind knocked out of his lungs. Shizuo had grabbed him by the front of his shirt and slammed him against the wall with such force that Izaya was surprised he restrained himself enough to not break the wall or kill him. Still wincing from the pain pulsating through his body, Izaya glared.

"Shizuo," he growled lowly, enough venom in his expression for Shizuo to take a step back and let go, "I'm helping to save _his_ life. Don't talk," he said, seeing Shizuo's mouth open. "You've _seen_ what that infection does. You _know_ what Shinra would become. If we let it be, he'll die for sure. If we don't, he might have a chance to survive. Shinra, how easy is an amputation?"

"…A good one? I'd trust neither of you."

"It doesn't have to be good. Just for you to survive."

Staring at him, Shinra's mouth opened. His expression had been unreadable to that point; it had been blank and then he stared at the wound, under some hastily wrapped bandages, as if it were foreign, as if the limb weren't his own. Slowly, he flexed his fingers; immediately, his expression darkened with pain, but he waved away Celty's concern.

"…There runs the risk of infection," he said slowly, looking up. "But success… is not at zero percent."

"And death is a hundred if he's not immune," Izaya said lowly, eyes still fixated on Shizuo. "And if we're generous and say he has a five percent of immunity, then he dies with a ninety-five percent change. How likely is infection?"

"Less than ninety five."

_Absolutely not!_

Izaya was slammed against the wall again, this time by shadows. Several kept him suspended and one pressed to his throat, making it difficult to talk. Celty stalked towards him; the only reason her shadow didn't kill him was because Shizuo had reached a hand out to grab her by the arm, keep her from advancing, but Izaya could still read her PDA.

_You're not cutting off his arm! I wouldn't dare trust you!_

"So are you volunteering?"

_No! No one is!_

"It's his best chance to survive."

_This is you being rash! Five percent? Are you joking? If you can be immune, you can't say the probability is that low! You don't even know what it is! For all we know, it could be fifty!_

"It's definitely not fifty. If it is, why are there so many people dead? Stop letting your bias against me cloud your judgment."

_I'm not letting you anywhere near Shinra!_

"Celty, he's right."

Celty's PDA clattered to the ground, shadows receding and Izaya just barely managing to catch himself. The Dullahan turned slowly, body facing Shizuo. He let go of her arm slowly and swallowed, looking away with his brow knit. "…Look, I know how you feel. I don't like this either… I really don't. But Izaya's right. If we don't do anything… he dies. If we wait and he's not immune… he dies. But if we do this and it works… it's his best chance."

The tendrils curling from her neck seemed to freeze for a moment. Celty picked up her phone, tapped quickly and held it up to Shinra.

_Shinra! Tell them you don't want this!_

Giving a fatigued smile, Shinra shook his head slowly. Up to then, he'd been quiet, just watched the three of them. His breathing was growing shallow and he gave a shaky sigh.

"I'm sorry, Celty… I'd never go against what you want, but if this is my best chance to be with you for longer…"

Looking past her, Shinra made eye contact with Izaya.

"Izaya, I'll tell you what to do. Get everything ready."

**june 17, 4:16 a.m.**

"I'm surprised you chose me for this."

Tying the tourniquet around his arm and securing it tightly, Izaya spared Shinra a tired glance. They were downstairs in the store; Celty remained upstairs and Shizuo had said he'd be down as soon as he could. They cleared an area of the floor, having disinfected it as thoroughly as possible. It certainly wasn't ideal, but there was no other flat surface large enough for Shinra to lay down on. Izaya's fingers were shaking, but he continued to flex them, hope to calm his nerves. In contrast, Shinra was more levelheaded than Izaya had ever seen him; he laid his arm out, sitting in a stool.

Taking a deep breath once the tourniquet was tied, Izaya closed his eyes and picked up the scalpel.

"Disinfect my arm first, Izaya."

"…Right."

Giving a dark sort of smirk as Shinra watched Izaya's shaking hands open the bottle of cleaning alcohol they found, he experimentally curled his fingers, stared at them. Izaya knew what he was thinking.

"Don't worry," he said lowly once he was finished. "You've got five more."

"Making jokes now? How crass…"

Izaya closed his eyes and took another moment to take a deep breath. Shinra had told him to use a scalpel and a bone saw; the latter he had to go out and find, as that wasn't one of the pieces of equipment Shinra brought with him. It wasn't too hard, as he found a small hospital nearby and was able to get everything he needed, including extra bandages. He was disappointed to see there were no medications of any sort. There was a bit of anesthetic that he was relieved to find, but when he came back, Shinra told him that it wouldn't be enough to entirely numb the area.

_"But," he did say with a small smile. "It's better than nothing. Look at you, being so nice to me!"_

Izaya noticed that Shinra's face was paling, beads of sweat appeared along his hairline. He was taking too long; all the preparing of materials and Shinra giving him instructions took much longer than anticipated. Swallowing thickly, he opened his eyes and picked up the scalpel. "Don't whine to me afterwards about how it's not pretty, okay?" he muttered dryly.

Shinra laughed.

"Izaya, if you pull this off, I will owe you my life."

Giving a ghost of smile, Izaya rested his gloved left hand on Shinra's arm. The right hand held the scalpel and it hovered just millimeters away from the flesh, a few inches above the elbow before readjusting to be exactly over it.

Izaya had dissected frogs in high school, but he had never even thought about going into medicine.

He wanted to dissect the human mind, not the human body.

Of all the things that he could have expected to happen, _this_ was not one of them. Have to kill people, yes. Have to kill people he used to know as zombies, yes. Partner up with Shizuo, yes.

But this was Shinra and this was Izaya about to amputate his limb.

The very thought made him nauseous, but he swallowed it and focused. He was supposed to be good at compartmentalizing; he spent so many years training himself to avoid genuine connections with others that it was just _cruel_ for fate to force him to do this to the one person he _did_ consider a friend.

It was his idea and so he couldn't try to argue that Shizuo or Celty should do it. And even if it wasn't, Izaya could, in an unbiased manner, understand why Shinra chose him: Celty was too close and Shizuo was too emotional. Neither of them possessed the refined self control Izaya did.

_That's right._

_That's why he chose me._

_Well, well… I can't let Shinra down, can I?_

One final breath later and Izaya was relaxed. His shaking stopped and his eyes opened, dark and focused. He murmured 'I'm starting' and waited for Shinra's nod as he brought the clean, sharp blade down on Shinra's flesh.

It was elastic; it was more elastic than he would've thought. But when he broke through the skin and saw the blood pooling, there was a rush of adrenaline; he heard Shinra hum and actually managed a dry laugh. "What kind of a person _hums_ to being cut open?"

"What kind of a person cuts open his friend?"

"Shinra, I am holding your life in my hands."

"Izaya… you shouldn't be allowed to even try and comfort people."

"Who said I was trying?"

A banter as normal as ever, yet their voices were strained. Izaya dragged the blade, going deeper and cutting with feigned confidence. His left hand tightened its grasp on Shinra's arm to keep him still when he twitched; the deeper he cut, the more painful it was, the less the anesthetic worked. His eyes narrowed and could see Shinra use his good hand to grab a rag, balling it up and biting down _hard_ to muffle his screams. His knees were beginning to ache but he refused to focus on that; even to him, it would be selfish to want to complain about the pain of kneeling when Shinra's arm was being sliced open.

There was blood; there was so much blood. It spilled everywhere, crept towards Izaya and threatened his pants. He'd seen so much blood but this was the first time he was causing it like this, that it was so close, that it was getting all over him. There was so much blood, even with the tourniquet, but Izaya knew he couldn't stop to try and tighten it.

The blade dug through flesh, but Shinra's arm jerking made it difficult. Izaya swore under his breath; he was putting more effort into keeping Shinra still than trying to cut to bone. "Stop jerking around so much…!" he snarled, but Shinra's only answer was the muffled screams.

Swearing again, Izaya turned away as blood squirted, specks landing on his cheek. The blood made it difficult to grasp both his arm and the scalpel and for a terrifying moment, Izaya thought he was going to lose his grasp, but then a warm hand was on top of his.

Eyes opening, Izaya froze and turned to see Shizuo kneeling on the other side of Shinra. One hand was over Izaya's and the other on Shinra's shoulder, tried to keep the limb as still as he could. Shizuo looked pained; Izaya could see it flicker in his eyes, hidden by bangs that were longer than normal. And for a moment, he looked down at Shinra, at his arm, at Izaya's blade and froze. But as quickly as it happened, it was over and he looked up and Izaya had to commend him on his bravery.

Mind over matter.

"Well?!" he growled and Izaya felt Shizuo's fingers tightened their grip on both his hand and Shinra's arm. "The fuck you waitin' for?! Go!"

Staring for a moment longer, Izaya gave a curt nod. He pulled his hand out from under Shizuo's and focused fully on the scalpel in his hand, on cutting as close to the bone as he could. A part of him hoped that Shinra would just pass out from the pain, but he was also grateful he was conscious; it would be only too easy for Shinra to slip from unconscious to dead and being awake was the only way Izaya could guarantee he was still alive.

"Keep him still as best you can," Izaya gasped, pulling back to change from scalpel to bone saw. "This is going to hurt a _lot_ more than cutting through flesh. Shinra, do _not_ pass out."

Izaya was truly impressed Shizuo had kept his word and come down to help him. He wouldn't have blamed him if he stayed upstairs with Celty. But, Izaya remembered suddenly, this was different from with the others, where Shizuo stayed in the RV.

This was the chance to save someone.

"The fuck's that?!"

"Shizu-chan, you honestly thought a scalpel was enough to—"

"Stop fuckin' talking, he's losin' a shitton of blood!"

_"Use the bone saw to cut through bone. It would be easiest at the elbow but there'll probably be too much blood for you to know where it is," Shinra explained, unable to help from wincing as he said that. "And then… I don't think you'd be skilled enough to close it normally. Then… just cauterize the wound. Get a piece of metal, heat it up, press it to the end. Don't hold it there too long and burn off whatever's left. Do it in short intervals."_

_"On a scale of one to ten," Izaya said quietly, wiping the counter down for the sixth time. "How difficult is this?"_

_"For me? I'd say a five or six. For you?"_

_Shinra sighed._

_"…Don't kill me, Izaya."_

"What're you waitin' for?!"

Izaya didn't even realize he was stalling. Suddenly, staring at the still writhing arm in the pool of blood, Izaya couldn't bring himself to lower the blade. Every second was precious, every second meant more blood was being lost. And yet he was frozen; he couldn't even breathe, was only acutely aware of what he had done, what he had to do, of Shinra still screaming, rag not nearly enough.

Shizuo's hands were covered in blood and both of their shirts were soaked. Izaya forced a breath; it came out as a gasp and though he managed to move his fingers, he couldn't move his arms.

"Izaya! _IZAYA!_ "

Shizuo's voice jolted him from his trance and he looked up, didn't care that Shizuo would be able to see the fear in his expression.

"Izaya," he repeated, his voice strong, serious, strained. "You have to do this. You can do this. Just turn off your goddamn brain and do it; that's what you pride yourself on, isn't it? Shit like that? Fuckin' _do it_."

Three seconds passed.

Three seconds where Izaya stared at Shizuo and Shizuo stared at Izaya.

Three seconds where Izaya wondered where Shizuo had that sudden resolve and determination.

Three seconds where Shizuo's confidence calmed Izaya.

After three seconds, he nodded.

"Yeah."

Both hands now free, Izaya was able to put his entire weight into the saw. Izaya had never broken a bone, so he could only wonder what this pain was like. Shinra had told him that amputating at the elbow would be the easiest, but there was so much blood and Izaya had no idea if he was near the elbow. The moment the teeth scraped across it, Shinra's head threw back, his back arched, and the rag fell from his mouth. Shizuo's strength was enough to keep his arm still, but that didn't deter any of Shinra's screaming. Celty had to have been able to hear it and it was so loud it made Izaya's ears ring, but he concentrated on the task at hand. He wanted to get it over with as soon as possible, desperately wished there had been more anesthetic, that they had thought to stock up on that during the first few _blissful_ days when they were setting up their new abode.

Izaya didn't know how long it took; all he knew was that the moment the blade met the floor, he was so relieved. But he immediately moved over to the fire he had started in a trash can; a spare piece of scrap metal was heated up, hand shaking despite his best efforts. Shinra's breathing was shallow; he'd stopped screaming and was laying still, weakly lifting his arm to rest over his forehead, eyes closed, but chest still rising and falling with every breath.

Izaya hurried back and cauterized the wound as best he could, tried to quell the nausea he felt. Compared to what he'd just done, this was the least strenuous. Shizuo winced; he started to look away but Izaya instructed him in a tight voice to start unraveling bandages and getting gauze ready.

Once the wound was cauterized enough, the two disinfected the area as best they could before wrapping it up. Miraculously, Shinra was still conscious; Shizuo silently carried him upstairs and Celty collapsed onto her knees upon seeing him. He gave a tired smirk, mumbled 'see, I'm still alive?' and turned to Izaya after.

Shizuo had left; Celty was next to him, trembling awfully. Izaya began to leave as well, wanted to burn what he was wearing and throw up, but Shinra beckoned him with a soft call of his name. He hesitated but approached him and crouched down.

Shinra's face was pale; he looked exhausted and he looked awful. But he was alive and he smiled, weak and slight but still a smile, eyes softening as he looked at Izaya.

"Thank you."

**june 22, 8:51 p.m.**

"It's not his fault, Celty. Really… if the situation were reversed, I wouldn't have been able to do anything better."

Even Shinra told him it wasn't his fault, but Izaya felt like he was the direct reason that he was dying.

Infection had set in. It had always been a possibility, but a part of Izaya had believed that if Shinra survived the amputation, then he'd be fine. He still couldn't look at his hands without seeing the blood and whenever Shizuo saw him staring, he'd reach out to take them in his, mumbling _stop. You saved his life._

_"He's dying," Izaya spat. Not even twenty-four hours had passed, but Shinra was burning up. Celty had been the one to inform them; Izaya was in the kitchen, making Shinra something to eat when she showed him her PDA, hand shaking._

_"Not because of you."_

_"Of course it's because of me, you stupid brute!" Izaya snapped, turning around and glaring. A hand reached up to run through his hair and he gave an almost crazed, hollow laugh. After reading her message, Izaya had breathed 'I see' and walked out of the apartment, ignoring Celty trying to stop him with shadows (certainly being able to just walk out because Shizuo stopped her.) He followed him just a few moments later and found Izaya pacing in the street._

_"I let him go near that zombie! I cut his arm off! I didn't disinfect enough, I let him lose too much blood because of my hesitance, I didn't cauterize properly, I didn't bandage properly, I_ let my guard down and let him go near that goddamn zombie! _"_

_"He would've gone regardless," Shizuo said quietly, brow knit. "…He wanted you to. He asked you too. Look, Izaya… it's not your fault, okay? You… did everything you did. That was the most selfless I've ever seen you. It's not your fault. You can't… you can't blame yourself for this."_

_He looked up tiredly._

_"…We can't lose two of you at once."_

"You'll be reanimated when you die. I'm not sure if your infection is from the bite or the amputation. It might've spread before I…"

He trailed off but Shinra nodded. Izaya's voice was flat, cold, monotonous. His gaze was fixated on anything, everything except on Shinra.

"So to avoid you reanimating when you die…"

"Okay."

"We can either… now. Or when you…"

"Not now. Izaya, look at me."

Fingers curling, Izaya's eyes narrowed. He moved to stand, mumbling that he'd get Shinra more water, but his hand on his stopped his movements immediately. Izaya's breath hitched but he sat back down, still refusing to look at him. His hand was warm; his hand was uncomfortably warm and Izaya didn't want to look down to see emptiness where the other should've have been because his mind would instantly replace it with blood.

"Hey, Izaya… you know I don't blame you, right?"

"Have you told Celty that?" he asked curtly, standing and walking out before giving Shinra a chance to say anything else.

Celty avoided him and when she couldn't, Izaya half expected for a shadow to wrap around his neck and kill him slowly and agonizingly when his back was turned. Despite what Shizuo and Shinra said and felt, Celty clearly felt otherwise. In her eyes, it was all his fault: for proposing the idea, for executing it, for not executing it _well_. She'd blame herself for not being fast enough to stop the zombie but she'd also blame Izaya because it was Izaya.

Because everything bad would boil down to Izaya.

It took days for the fever to claim Shinra's life. He spent his last few days with Celty, though all three did what they could to help him. He'd made the choice to let the fever take his life; he wanted to spend as much time as he could with Celty. _"Maybe that's selfish,"_ he'd said with a shrug, _"to prolong it… but that's what I want."_

Shinra passed away with his head in Celty's lap and fingers intertwined with hers. Shizuo and Izaya sat next to each other, one of the few times they did and said nothing, and were silent as Celty's body was wracked with noiseless sobs, shoulders hunched and shaking, hands grasping Shinra's. He almost looked like he was asleep, Izaya thought, with how peaceful he looked, how silent he was.

As the king of delusions, Izaya probably could have believed Shinra was just sleeping if he didn't need to keep a clear mind.

_"…We have to do it before he reanimates."_

Shizuo brought him outside. His body was wrapped in a blanket and Shizuo carried him, expression void of any emotion. They made their way to the park again and brought a shovel, Izaya concealing his gun in his pocket. The walk was entirely silent and Celty mercilessly sent shadows to take care of any lingering zombies. She was like Shizuo, Izaya noted. She'd killed them before, but now that someone close to her had died because of them, the way she attacked them was more emotionless, more rigid, and yet, more angry.

She, too, was becoming a fighting machine.

Once they found a good spot, Shizuo set Shinra's body down and nodded, taking a step back. Izaya took a deep breath and pulled the gun out from his pocket, undoing the safety. _He's still dead,_ Izaya thought, swallowing. _He's still dead… it won't hurt._

And then, it hit him:

Why Shizuo had been so upset about Kasuka.

How even though he was a zombie, he'd been moving; he'd been dead, but also alive.

Izaya killed him.

It was informally decided Izaya would be the one to make sure Shinra wouldn't come back as a zombie and even if he wanted to argue it, Celty would probably force him to do it and then kill him after. A part of Izaya had accepted it without much of a fight; it was his fault, he still felt, and this was his punishment.

He had killed his only friend.

It weighed on him, made him nauseous. He hadn't eaten properly in days, hardly slept. He hated how much this affected him; he wondered that, if situations were reversed, if Shinra would be entirely fine with this. He probably would be; Celty would be only too glad to ensure his death and Shinra would cut him up.

_"Hey, Izaya… you know I don't blame you, right?"_

_Were you lying?_

Taking another deep breath, Izaya lifted the gun, like so many times in the past.

Except that this time, his hands were shaking and he just couldn't pull the trigger. His numbness had evaporated at the moment it would've been the most useful and it took everything Izaya had to not drop the weapon and stagger back. Reality seemed to wash over him and he became hyper-alert to the air, the smell, the feeling. Everything, especially Shinra's lifeless body and his gun that was pointed at it. A wave of nausea came over him and he immediately turned away, stumbled a few steps before dry heaving—as there was nothing to throw up.

He couldn't do it, no matter how hard he tried, how he kept reminding himself it was his fault, how many times he told himself he'd count to three and pull but always stop at two. It seemed physically impossible for him to pull the trigger and he wondered how he'd been so easily to do it before.

Because he knew Kadota.

He knew Namie.

He knew Kasuka.

But Shinra was different. Shinra was his only friend.

His _only_ friend.

A sudden wave of terrifying loneliness washed over him and Izaya couldn't do it. Not now, not in ten minutes; he couldn't be the one to shoot his one and only friend. His fingers curled, nails scraping against the rough bark of the tree as he straightened with difficulty, knowing the other two were watching.

"…I can't do it," he said finally and took a step back, turning around and swallowing. "…I can't."

He couldn't tell what Celty felt, but there was a flicker in Shizuo's eyes and he gave a short nod, completely opposite of the snappy 'why the hell not?' Izaya had expected.

Shizuo had changed a little too. He was more patient with Izaya.

But only a little.

Celty tapped at her PDA and held it up.

_Then who is!?_

"I can't," Izaya repeated and swallowed thickly, pocketing the gun. He didn't care how he appeared; he felt pathetic, he knew he was pathetic, but appearances weren't important enough to overcome how he felt at the moment.

Because even Izaya had feelings.

"I don't want to kill someone," Shizuo muttered and Celty was trembling even before she held up her ' _I can't.'_

 _You've killed people before, haven't you?!_ she typed next, screen shown to Izaya.

"…That was different," Izaya said quietly. "This is Shinra."

Shizuo was silent, just gave staunch rejections whenever either of them did so much as look at him. His hands were in his pockets and he focused on the ground because looking anywhere else ended up seeing Shinra's dead body, sending his stomach lurching and feeling uneasy. Celty and Izaya kept arguing; the woman insisted that _Izaya_ do it, because he was Shinra's friend, the same way Izaya insisted _Celty_ do it, because she was Shinra's lover.

"You're closer to him" and "that's why I can't."

"He'd want you to" and "no, he'd want you."

"I can't, he was my lover" and "I can't, he was my only friend."

They'd look to Shizuo and he'd look back tiredly.

_"…I can't kill a person."_

Of all the things the three would argue about before the world went to hell, who would be the one to kill Shinra was never one of them. Izaya and Shizuo had their issues with Shinra, both finding him relatively annoying. Even Celty did too, at times. But Shinra was Shinra. Shinra was their connecting glue; he was why Shizuo and Izaya met, he was why Celty and Izaya had to deal with each other, he was why Shizuo and Celty were able to meet and become friends.

Shinra was annoying, but Shinra was _Shinra._

They couldn't kill him. They could each _kill_ and all of them had, but _Shinra was Shinra._

Celty and Izaya were still arguing when Shizuo's eyes rose, looking around before naturally gravitating towards where Shinra's body was. And at first, he resisted, believed that if he convinced himself and didn't look directly at it, then he wouldn't have to look at him. And it worked; from the corner of his eyes, he couldn't see the body.

It made him feel relieved before he realized that it wasn't that he couldn't see the body.

It was that the body wasn't there.

Brown eyes turned to the exact location Shinra had been and his mouth went dry, seeing that he wasn't there. His heart skipped a beat, leaping in his chest and he looked around.

"Shit…"

His swear was a whisper at first, too horrified at what he realized. But he soon regained control of his voice and he was yelling over them, eyes wide as he was staring. Izaya stared at him, brow knit, but then he followed Shizuo's gaze and his eyes widened, understanding immediately. Celty's shoulders rose before the smoke tendrils were curling faster, showing her agitation.

"…We split up," Izaya said, taking a moment to gather himself, readopt his act. "We find him. He's not human now, so when we find him… don't think of him as Shinra. There's no arguing about who. If you see him… _it_ , you kill it."

Celty was visibly distraught but Shizuo nodded, though he still looked uneasy. Izaya kept his eyes focused on the ground for a moment longer before looking up again; he'd gotten used to raising his defense on command, he'd been doing it for years. Izaya turned his cold gaze on the other two, voice just above a murmur. "He's a zombie now. The Shinra that we know is gone, so when you find him… _it._ When you find the zombie, just kill it without thinking twice, all right?"

Izaya stared at Shizuo, eyes narrowing.

"I might not be right there like I was for Kasuka."

Shizuo cleared his throat, swallowing painfully. "I understand."

"Celty?"

She was still shaking and Shizuo gave a sigh, put his hand on her shoulder. She flinched at first before her helmet gave a nod, but Shizuo kept staring at her, frowning slightly. "I'll go with you."

Immediately, she shook her head and took a moment to tap at her PDA and hold it up.

_I'll be all right. We need to find him as soon as possible._

Izaya gave a nod and he gave a smirk, but it was empty and hollow, only just concealing what he was feeling. Orihara Izaya was a man who never let anyone know what he felt, not unless he wanted them to (and he never did want to.) But it wasn't that hard to know that he felt exactly what Shizuo and Celty were feeling, just thinking about the idea of having to hunt down Shinra:

Fear.

**june 23, 1:37 a.m.**

The city was pretty big, but Shinra couldn't have gotten very far, both because of time and his new state of being.

The three had separated and Izaya was patrolling the streets, gun secured against the small of his back and holding his knife instead. He stayed in the shadows and was surprised that he didn't see as many zombies as he had been expecting to. The city was like a ghost town and he wondered just what had to have happened if there were neither the undead nor dead. Maybe they had all fled upon hearing what was happening in Tokyo, Izaya thought, but he wasn't sure where they had all gone. Going _towards_ Tokyo wouldn't make sense, but there weren't very many other places to go.

_Ah… I don't have time to be thinking about this._

Giving another sigh, he found that he was close to a department store that he and Shizuo had gone to on one occasion. It had been one of their later runs, when they weren't as desperate for food, just decided to get out of the apartment.

They'd taken a shopping cart and filled it up, pleased with what they found. Liquor, clothes, sheets, curtains, bedding, pillows, even home décor. It was one of the more high-end stores and the things that they got weren't really necessities, but they were certainly nice to have. They took their time and strolled around, each having a cart, meeting back up at the entrance.

Izaya's cart was filled with high end products, expensive alcohol and things that he'd been used to having in his every day life. He took one look at Shizuo's basket and sighed.

_"…It looks like Shizu-chan's trying to create a pillow fort."_

_"Oi. Memory form shit is good."_

The one useful thing Shizuo had gotten as pots and pans, along with dishes and utensils. They stopped by the cash register and Izaya watched in amusement as Shizuo tried counting the little cash he had left, giving an annoyed grunt and just leaving all of it on the counter, mumbling 'sorry, it's probably a little short.'

_"A bit? Try a few hundred thousand yen…"_

_"Shut up. I don't see you payin'."_

_"That's right. I should also carry around pieces of paper that now have absolutely no meaning to them whatsoever—"_

_"Shut up!"_

Izaya wasn't sure how long ago it was, but it felt like forever. Even earlier that week, when they were _happy_ , felt forever ago. All that felt real and recent were memories he didn't want and couldn't go to sleep without seeing flicker over the back of his eyelids like a broken movie player. What had felt too good to be true was too good to be true, and now he couldn't even remember it.

He actually missed that peaceful domestic life that was boring, but a relief.

Pressing his back to a wall, Izaya peered around the corner, only to be met with another empty street. He frowned; Shinra had always had the annoying habit of disappearing and he dryly wished he'd asked Celty to just keep him in her shadows forever. It would be easier to find him.

_It._

Tensing when he heard something, Izaya turned around immediately, knife raised in preparation. But he was relieved to see that it was just a bird and relaxed, shaking his head at his own paranoia. He heard another sound and turned faster because it was the sound of shoes scarping against ground. His knife very nearly pressed to Shizuo's skin as he held his hands up instantly, glaring slightly at him.

"Oi, Izaya. It's me."

"…Shizu-chan."

Izaya gave a small sigh of relief and nodded, lowering his hands, murmuring 'at least call out my name, yeah?' Shizuo shrugged and his hands returned to rest in his pockets as he and Izaya continued to head the direction he originally was walking in. _Nope_ was the answer to _any leads?_ and Izaya just gave a nod.

"How do you think Celty's faring?"

"She'll probably be able to find him before us," Izaya murmured easily. "She has Shooter, after all, and most probably a heightened sense. Ah, and she is Shinra's lover, so—"

"No," Shizuo cut off plainly. "…I mean with Shinra dying."

"Ah."

Izaya shrugged, brow knit again and uncomfortable with the direction Shizuo steered the topic. He still felt nauseous; he still felt that tightness in his chest and couldn't stop _thinking_. He wanted to stop, _so badly_ , but he couldn't.

"Terribly. Probably similarly to how Shizu-chan felt because of Kasuka," he answered simply, airily. Easily.

Shizuo's eyes narrowed but he didn't say anything, knowing Izaya was most likely right.

Izaya looked a lot better than he had been, compared to Shizuo. In contrast to earlier, there was a strange calm surrounding Izaya, the softer, gentler, slightly more human Orihara Izaya had vanished in just a single second. Shizuo didn't know how he did it after days of being as close to a break down as Shizuo had seen him. In the face of adversity, it was either great strength or great weakness that allowed him to draw up his mask again.

There were times Shizuo thought he could get along with Izaya, but remembering he had this capability, he decided that he definitely couldn't.

"Why are you like this?" Shizuo asked quietly and Izaya glanced over his shoulder, an eyebrow arching.

"Like what?"

"…This. You never show what you feel. You just… act how you want others to think you're feeling. Why do you hate being human so much?"

"Now, who said I hated humans…? In fact, Shizu-chan—"

"Not humans," Shizuo interrupted, stilling. "Your humanity. Why do you reject it?"

Izaya had ceased walking when Shizuo did, though he waited a moment before turning around to face him. He looked slightly annoyed, had that scowl and wrinkling of his nose. But his expression returned to his arrogant smirk quickly and he even tilted his head. "My… Shizu-chan's more observant than I give him credit for. How annoying."

Like habit, like clockwork, those words, that phrasing tumbled from his lips.

"Like that," Shizuo snarled, fists clenching. "You were different the past few days. You were actually someone tolerable. And now… now, when Celty and I probably need you to be a decent fuckin' human being more than ever, you go back to the shitfaced flea! Why can't you act human and stay human?! People are dying left and right and you… it's like you want to be like those monsters and feel nothing! I don't _understand you_!"

"I think Shizu-chan understands me."

Shizuo was surprised but his expression hardly flickered. He just stared at him, waiting for Izaya to continue. The man took his time, looked around, like he was admiring the weather. Shizuo was close to uprooting the nearest trash can and flinging it at him, just like old times; even that thought made Shizuo feel oddly reminiscent.

"I think Shizu-chan understands me," Izaya repeated softly and looked at him, gaze distant and cold. "It's just that Shizu-chan won't accept me."

Shizuo seemed surprised at his words, but a movement caught his attention. Looking past Izaya, the informant was able to tell that something had happened and he turned. Shinra stumbled out from behind the next corner, feet dragging against the ground. He turned to them slowly, most probably drawn to their scent, and it was strange how, on one hand, he looked like Shinra, but on the other, the glassed eyes and pale skin was a giveaway.

Shizuo immediately took a step back, but Izaya took his knife out and raised it, swallowing thickly.

If there was one thing that Shizuo could genuinely thank Izaya for, it would be never forcing him to kill anyone.

"Shizu-chan should look away, yeah? I'm not sure if Shizu-chan will be able to keep his sanity from another dead body…"

He said it in a mocking tone but Shizuo was aware that this was Izaya's kindness, disguised under his normal personality. It seemed a little sliver of humanity couldn't help but show itself now and then, unable to stay entirely hidden after everything they'd been through.

Shizuo nodded, but he hadn't turned away entirely when he caught movement in the corner of his gaze, eyes widening and turning to see Celty. She was silent, as she always was, but a gloved hand reached out and shadows seemed to explode. Izaya blinked, expression immediately scowling when one of them curled round his wrist, preventing him from moving or using his knife. Another shadow, a much larger one, wrapped itself around Shinra and enclosed him. Izaya gave a frustrated sigh and Shizuo stepped forward, frowning. "Celty… he can't die from suffocation."

"Shizu-chan, I'm sure she knows that."

Shadow left in place, to Izaya's immense displeasure, he passed the time waiting for her to finish typing by watching the shadow ball. He heard the sounds of struggle from Izaya and could just barely make out groans. Izaya's eyes narrowed, turning back to Celty. "Celty. We can't leave him in there."

_We can't kill him!_

Shizuo and Izaya exchanged looks, one of the very few times they both had the same thought, the same realization, the same decisions. Izaya gave a curt nod and let Shizuo be the one to step forward, reaching a hand out tentatively to put on her shoulder. Celty flinched at the mere brush of his fingers and Shizuo grunted when he found himself suspended in the air, Izaya watching nonchalantly.

"Celty," he said, knowing she was listening. "Celty, look… that's not Shinra anymore, all right? I know what you're feeling. I do. I… saw Kasuka. Just like that. He was walking towards me, except he was a zombie… but seeing him, I couldn't think straight. All I saw was Kasuka and I thought that I could bring him back. Because he's family. I love him. And you can never just accept that the people you love have died."

Celty's gloved hands were holding her helmet, back hunched and entire body trembling. Izaya just watched; he was very well aware that anything he say could result in one of her shadows wrapping around his mouth, and so he kept it closed at his own volition. A chief difference between Shizuo and Celty, he thought, was that she had shadows. But aside from their, their reactions were similar.

Both very, very human.

The Dullahan was more human than he was.

(Or cared to admit.)

"Celty," Shizuo repeated quietly, "there's nothing you can do except end it. Look… do you think Shinra would want to be like this? To attack us? To attack _you_? Shinra isn't here anymore… it's just a monster using his body. You can't reverse it."

Celty was still for a few seconds before slowly moving, fingers lacking their normal energy as they typed out her message for Shizuo.

_Did you kill Kasuka?_

He froze and averted his eyes.

"…Izaya did. But that was because he was going to attack me."

_Then don't tell me to kill Shinra._

Had it been the other way around, Shizuo was sure that he'd react the way she did. Namie had been angry, the way he had been at Izaya; being on the other side of things, Shizuo had a new perspective, but also kept the old one, remembered the way he had felt. He sighed. "Put me down, Celty."

She obliged, shadows gently lowering Shizuo before they disappeared. His feet planted on the ground firmly and he waited a moment before approaching her. Shizuo's hands took her shoulders gently and pulled her close into an embrace. Izaya stared at them, giving a sigh and looking away, stared at the shadow ball that Shinra was in.

_Ikebukuro's two monsters._

_How ironic that the ones called the monsters were probably some of the most human in the entire city…_

He tugged at the shadow on his arm but it remained stubborn and he frowned.

He wasn't sure how long it was but Shizuo let go of her eventually, mumbled something and Izaya was relieved for full control of his arm. He rubbed his wrist where it had been bound and glanced at Shizuo. "Do you want him to do it?" the bodyguard asked quietly.

Celty held up her PDA.

_Do you regret him doing it?_

"…I don't regret him saving my life, but… I do think it would've been better for me to. If I was able to."

_But you're his brother._

"Exactly."

Celty was still for several moments and somehow, the silence was even more all encompassing. She gave a nod and Shizuo stepped back to join Izaya, sighing. "…You can put your knife away," he said quietly.

Like what Shizuo had said about Izaya, Izaya could say the same thing about Shizuo. This Shizuo was calmer and more patient, even more understanding. Especially with Izaya. It had been the first time he'd directly talked about what happened with Kasuka and he didn't sound angry at all. Izaya didn't need a 'thank you' but Shizuo understanding that he was right in what he did was enough.

It was even more than enough. Izaya was surprised that Shizuo was capable of this kind of maturity.

_Shizu-chan just keeps surprising me…_

_How annoying._

"Impressive, the way you were able to convince her."

He shrugged.

"I know how she feels and I know how you feel."

The shadow ball disappeared with one movement of Celty's hand and the two men watched. Her wrist flicked and there was a sharp shadow, shaking as Shinra was approaching her slowly.

Izaya's hand tightened around the gun in his pocket, just in case.

Shizuo didn't move at all.

Later, Izaya could ask how Shizuo was so sure and he'd answer _because we'd do anything for family._

Shizuo looked away, but Izaya watched the shadow pierce cleanly through Shinra's forehead, his body slumping to the ground a second time in front of them.

_I'm sorry, Shinra._

**june 27, 10:42 p.m.**

_"You have somewhere to go?"_

_"You should, Celty. You don't have to stay for us."_

_"We'll be okay."_

_"Go somewhere you'll be safe."_

If Shizuo's way of coping was killing as many zombies as he could, Celty's was almost entirely opposite. She went back with them but locked herself in the room she'd shared with Shinra. Not needing to eat or sleep, not having any sort of obligation to do anything to stay alive, Shizuo and Izaya let her be, didn't have to pester her about anything. One was at home all the time (almost always Shizuo) and the other would go out to make sure their kitchen was still stocked with enough food for just the two of them.

Izaya had heard the conversation one night. He wasn't sure how Shizuo had convinced Celty to open the door, but he had and he was in there, talking to her in a low voice.

The selfish part of Izaya wanted to pull Shizuo out and demand what he was doing, snap at him. Celty was protection. Celty had her shadows and her immortality and her immunity, an immunity far better than Izaya's. Celty protected them, protected Shizuo who protected him. To Izaya, Celty was another layer of protection.

But the little growing human part of Izaya knew better than to say that, because he'd just get yelled at. And it wasn't as if Celty would even consider anything he had to say.

And, at the same time, Izaya wasn't desperate enough.

Something had changed. Orihara Izaya, who was willing to start a whole war to reach Valhalla for a painless death on his own terms, seemed to not be too bothered that his only guarantee to that sort of a death was on the verge of leaving. He left the door and went to the kitchen instead, was drinking a glass of water slowly when Shizuo came out. He looked over and Shizuo stared at him tiredly.

_"You heard, right?"_

_"Shizu-chan's voice is rather loud…"_ he sighed and turned away. _"So…"_

_"…She's leaving."_

Celty left that night, coming out only to say a courteous farewell to Izaya. He gave a nod in return and poured himself another glass of water. He didn't have a strong emotional attachment to Celty. He'd lost the one person he would have called a friend and the only other person left who he felt strongly towards was the person he hated.

Shizuo gave her another hug and Izaya wondered when Heiwajima Shizuo had become so confident in controlling his own strength that he'd hug someone. But this was Celty Sturluson; maybe it was because she wasn't human that he didn't have fears about wrapping his arms around her.

_"I wonder where she's going…"_

_"Another world, probably. Valhalla? Maybe America. Who knows? Aah, the possibilities could be nearly endless for her."_

Izaya's easygoing voice didn't match his lifeless, drained expression.

She disappeared into the sky and Shizuo lingered by the window until she wasn't facing their apartment anymore. The woman's signature cat helmet was left in his possession and Shizuo gave a sigh as he looked at it, ran his fingers over the pointed ears. Izaya came into the room a bit after and closed the window, watching him with half lidded eyes, waiting for him to speak.

_"…She didn't die, but it feels like I lost her anyway."_

Izaya gave a dry smirk and crouched down to be closer to eye level to him.

_"Isn't it odd, Shizu-chan?"_

Shizuo looked up.

_"We started out just the two of us, and now we're going to end with just the two of us. What a surreal feeling… realizing my fate is intertwined with Shizu-chan's."_

Giving a sigh, Izaya tilted his head back to be able to look up the way Shizuo had. Celty wasn't visible anymore; he couldn't see her, wasn't even sure which way she'd gone. Didn't know where she was going, how long it would take to get there. Didn't know how long she'd grieve for.

Eternity was a long time to be miserable.

_"But…"_

Izaya's voice was low, broke through the silence and when he and Shizuo made eye contact again, Izaya's smile was hollow, empty, broken, and hopeless.

_"There's no such thing as a happy ending."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy early halloween! i'm sorry, shinra… also, i changed the warnings for this fic, hahah. and now you see why.


	15. we're gonna save the world

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> shizuo's words were slurred, but the more he talked, the louder and slightly clearer they became. "we're gonna save the world… we're gonna save the world, we're gonna save the world!"

**june 26, 10:47 a.m.**

Izaya killed Shinra.

Shizuo would go to sleep thinking that.

Shizuo would wake up thinking that.

Shizuo would avoid Izaya thinking that.

Shizuo would prepare meals thinking that.

Shizuo would do everything thinking that and then abruptly stop because Izaya didn't _kill_ Shinra, he just killed Shinra.

A few days had passed and neither of them said much to each other. Most days stretched on and on in silence. Shizuo only spoke if necessary and Izaya gave one word, simple answers if he couldn't reply with just a nod of his head. Izaya didn't eat. Izaya didn't sleep. Izaya sat in the corner of the room Shinra had died in, stared out the window he watched Celty leave from. Shizuo avoided the room; he stood in the doorway if he had to talk, but otherwise tried to not even look at it. They were both avoiding it, he thought, but Izaya did a weird thing of enveloping himself in what he was trying to avoid, like he was trying to find the eye of the hurricane.

Shizuo avoided the hurricane entirely.

Cutting vegetables slowly to prepare a stew for dinner, Shizuo noticed his hand was shaking. He hesitated and set the knife down, stared at his fingers as he flexed and curled them, tried to rid the trembling. He was suddenly acutely aware of his breathing, how it was shallow and rapid, so he tried to steady that too; eyes closed and he took a step back. He rolled his head back, opened his airway, and took a deep breath to calm himself.

He didn't blame Izaya; he wanted to make that clear.

Shizuo didn't blame Izaya for Shinra's death.

But the fact was that Izaya's actions had led to Shinra's death. _However_ , Shizuo would always hurry to add, _however_ it prolonged what would have been _inevitable_ and, for that, Izaya wasn't at fault. It wasn't his fault.

That's what he wanted to tell Izaya but no matter how many times he ran through it in his head, he couldn't get the words out for Izaya to hear.

Shizuo didn't know how he felt, but he did know that he was all Izaya had left (and that Izaya was all he had left.) He couldn't risk Izaya losing it and despite everything Izaya had done, everything Izaya was, everything Izaya caused, the only things that mattered were those in the recent few weeks. Because Izaya had saved him and Izaya had kept him alive.

So despite Izaya being _Izaya_ , Izaya was now Shizuo's reason for still being alive. He was all Shizuo had left.

So, in a way, Izaya was his everything.

Picking up the knife again, Shizuo took another deep breath before he returned to cutting. The apartment was much emptier now and much more quiet. It was disconcerting, but Shizuo couldn't bring himself to leave for more than an hour at a time, if only because he was terrified to come back to being entirely alone. Runs were mission oriented; he went out, got exactly what he needed, and came back. He'd be relieved when he peeked into Shinra's room and saw Izaya still sitting up and had developed the habit of telling him what he had gotten, even though Izaya never answered.

They felt domestic and though it was overwhelmingly nauseating, it was also slightly comforting.

Once he was finished cutting, he lifted the lid and used the blade to sweep the vegetables in. He'd go downstairs in a few minutes to start the fire and make the stew; as per habit, he'd find a book, tell Izaya, and then ask if he needed anything. The answer would be silence, but sometimes Izaya would nod and that movement was enough for Shizuo.

Izaya had killed, to Shizuo's knowledge, five people: Seiji, Kasuka, Kadota, Namie, and Shinra. He could still remember his unbelievable anger when he'd watched Izaya shoot Kasuka heartlessly in front of him, how he'd been ready to rip him apart. How he couldn't look at him or even think about him after Kadota and Namie, how hearing about Seiji had been unsettling but also distant and, because it was for someone else's benefit, almost _all right_. And now with Shinra, Shizuo didn't blame him; he'd gone from unbelievable anger to nothing at all and there were still corpses.

Because things hadn't changed:

People were dead.

But Shizuo had:

He didn't blame Izaya anymore.

He didn't blame Izaya because now he understood why he'd done what he did. Because Kasuka hadn't been Kasuka and maybe Izaya had been able to do that so quickly because he had already killed Seiji before. Because Kadota and Namie would've suffered, would've gone through what Shinra had: knowing what they would reawaken as, died slowly and excruciatingly. Shizuo didn't condone killing, not at all, but things weren't black and white as he'd once though. Things were, as Izaya had probably always seen, _grey_. So he'd killed him, but he didn't _kill_ them.

_Kill is too strong a word. It's not like he killed him he just…_

_…_

_Killed them._

Giving a frustrated growl, that tiny noise seemed to fill the entire apartment. Shizuo raised a hand to run through hair that was slightly too long. As he gave a sigh and leaned back, head touching to the wall, he heard footsteps. Shizuo's body tensed and he scrambled to his feet, standing and holding a book as what he later would realize as a stupid weapon.

To his relief, it was just Izaya. The man, always having been slender, seemed more so than normal, bordering on sickly as he gave a ghastly smirk, his eyes half lidded and hands in his pockets. The shirt he wore hung off his slim frame and his feet shuffled as he walked; it was very uncharacteristic of Orihara Izaya to be seen with such a disheveled appearance and not care.

"What are you making?" he asked, voice croaking from having so seldom been used.

"Uh… uh. Curry. No, stew. Sorry. Going to go downstairs soon to actually cook it. You okay with that?"

"Fine."

Shizuo watched as Izaya made his way over to the stainless steel pot. He removed the lid and used the other hand to waft the smell towards him (an action that irked Shizuo in a comforting way because at least Izaya was still annoying) before setting it down.

"So," Shizuo said suddenly, feeling the back of his neck prickle when Izaya lazily turned to look at him. "…Uh… how… how are you?"

Izaya blinked, his hued eyes dull and hollow.

"Well, I cut off my best friend's arm, caused him to get an infection, couldn't bring myself to kill him and so had to force his lover to do it for me. How's Shizu-chan doing?"

Shizuo opened his mouth for a moment but closed it, shaking his head and then shrugging weakly. He shifted a bit and knew Izaya was still watching him (or maybe his gaze was on him but he wasn't _looking_ at him, Shizuo didn't know.)

"…You're… going to be okay, right?"

"Why do you ask?" Izaya answered a bit sharply, smile sickly sweet as he tilted his head. "Is Shizu-chan afraid I'll leave him? Is that it? How selfish… but, I suppose, everyone should have some degree of that if they want to continue staying alive."

"Shut up," Shizuo mumbled, ruffling his hair again and trying to ignore the rising irritation. Because even if the world had gone to hell, even if everything was different, Izaya was still Izaya and Shizuo was still Shizuo, so Izaya would annoy Shizuo. "It's just… it's like when you told me to stop sulkin' all the time. You can mourn, it's just… I just want to make sure… that you'll be okay. Because despite who you are, you're a hu—"

"Yeah, yeah, human, I know. You're obsessed with the whole me being a human thing," Izaya breathed, looking annoyed as he took out a spoon and used it to examine his reflection. "I don't—"

"What the fuck do you want?"

Izaya blinked, mouth still open from being interrupted, surprised at the sudden change of tone. Shizuo was looking at him again, though he looked annoyed; Izaya had been surprised at Shizuo's patience the last few days, but he hadn't expected him to snap at this point.

_Always surprising me._

"…I would like to finish my sentence, for one."

"Forgiveness? You want forgiveness? All right, here it is! I fuckin' forgive you, Izaya! For all the shit you've done, for all the shit you did, I forgive you for all of it! There! You're absolved!"

Breaking off, Shizuo straightened and unclenched fists he hadn't realized tightened. He didn't realize he was angry until he saw Izaya just standing there, existing, attempting to be immune to his emotions again. And maybe he didn't have right to be angry; maybe this _was_ Izaya's way of coping. But more likely than not, this wasn't that. This was Izaya running away again and Shizuo was beyond exhausted of it.

"Stop sulking, stop… doing that _thing_ you do!"

"Which is…?"

"Acting like it doesn't matter! Like it doesn't affect you because it _does_! Look, you want to cry? Go cry! I don't care! Cry, scream, throw things, hit me, who fuckin' cares?! Stop bottlin' things up because, goddamnit Izaya, _that's_ going to be what drives you crazy! I…" breaking off, Shizuo pat down his bangs.

"…I know you're upset. And you can mourn. You should. I can't tell you how to mourn but… if you're _stuck_ because you feel like it's all your fault… it's not. Look, I'm here to tell you it's not. And I'm not… I'm not Shinra. Or Celty. But I'm me and I was there. And I know what you did and I know it had to be done. It's not your fault he died. It's not. I forgive you, all right?"

And then it was quiet.

Shizuo stopped this talking, this time for more than a moment. He had held Izaya's gaze, looked at him tiredly and aged. He then looked away and sank down against a wall; one knee was propped up for an elbow to rest on as he pulled out his book and began reading.

Izaya stared at him silently, expression a mix of confusion and disbelief. For the past few days, he'd been trying to avoid coming to terms with what he did. He'd just sat in his room and replayed what he had done, but stopping short at when Celty left. He'd then rewind, go back to when they were in the park, when they were walking home.

Stop, pause, rewind.

Slow motion through the novice surgery, try to pinpoint what he could have done better.

Pause.

Rewind.

Replay.

He ate, mostly to keep Shizuo from worrying because that meant Shizuo grabbing and forcing bites of rice down his throat. But he ate very little; he had no appetite and would get nauseous easily.

He kept repeating _I killed him_ in his head, over and over, and it soon became _I killed them, I killed them, I killed them._

Despite the reasons he had been using to explain himself to Shizuo, to Celty, to everyone, they somehow didn't seem to be acceptable anymore. They had been in defense and they had been to shorten or end suffering, but was that justified? For taking their lives?

Even if it wasn't a life?

_I forgive you._

It was silent and Izaya couldn't stop staring.

"…You forgive me?" Izaya echoed, head tilting. "Just like that? …Please," he murmured, tone dry but an edge of desperation, "do elaborate, Shizu-chan. Exactly _what_ are you forgiving me for? What have you been holding onto as grudges?"

Shizuo forgiving him was just about the one thing neither of them would have ever expected. And Izaya wondered to what extent his forgiveness reached; just the past few weeks? Their whole lives? Shizuo's personal forgiveness? His forgiveness on behalf of his friends?

"That's the goddamn thing! _Nothing_! You're the only one holding onto these grudges against yourself and… You're over here, sulkin' and poutin' over Shinra! And it's not your fault! You tried to save him! You don't feel anythin' and suddenly you feel everythin' at once and you're shutting down! Look, you can't go dying on me too! Because if you do… if you die-!"

_Then I'm alone._

Izaya stared at him and almost gave a laugh; instead, he melted into a fatigued and weary smile, gave something that could be interpreted as a chuckle under his breath. "…So it's not Shizu-chan's personal forgiveness… it's his desperation."

Looking up, Izaya smirked, more animation, more life in his expression, but still a degree of emptiness that both men held.

Shizuo had snapped and it seemed that that was just what Izaya needed.

_What kind of a savior is Shizu-chan supposed to be…?_

"All right. I'll take it. Thank you, Shizu-chan."

He took a step back and looked at the pot again. He hadn't gone outside in days; he hadn't really done _anything_ in days. So his fingers wrapped around the handles and he lifted it, turning around to face Shizuo. "Let's go. Shizu-chan can take care of the fire, right?"

"It's like you said," Izaya continued, shrugging.

"I can't just go and die, now can I?"

**november 20, 4:31 p.m.**

Life carried on in the apartment for months.

They had found a chess board and played through the first few days, maybe even weeks. But they soon grew bored of the game and it was now collecting dust in a corner. Same with checkers, same with go, same with shogi. They found a deck of cards but it was only used by Izaya, who shuffled it aimlessly and practiced a few tricks he'd picked up here and there. Shizuo didn't like playing and poker wasn't as thrilling with just the two of them.

Shizuo spent most of his days lounging in his bed, staring at the pictures he had, staring at Kasuka's note, hugging the coat he'd taken from his brother's apartment. Izaya left him to be; he was sure that when it was this silent, when there was nothing to distract him, Shizuo was reflecting on memories from when he was a kid. He probably wanted to remember Kasuka when he was alive, when they were together.

He wouldn't bother him.

Izaya kept busy, though. After the weeks where he began to accept and grieve, he went from nothing to everything; he couldn't stand sitting still again. Even without Shizuo, he could occupy himself. He went out on runs and came back with books (sometimes a snack or two, but most food runs were done when Shizuo was also with him.) He walked around to remember that the world, technically, still existed. He was sure that he'd explored nearly every crevice of the city over the past few months, but he didn't see a single other person or even a hint of one. It was discouraging, but he refused to let it wear on him. He didn't allow the thought to linger and manifest itself in his mind, grow into something much harder to control.

He'd recognized and accepted what happened to Shinra, dealt with it in a healthier way than he had been so far. That was enough for him; the first time he could think through it without feeling nauseous, he decided he was done, he was healed, and he would shove it into the dark depths of his mind. He stayed that way for a few more days to make sure Shizuo believed him when he said he was fine.

He read to pass the time and then analyzed; he went though pens and pencils, almost felt like he was in college again. The apartment was still silent, but Izaya introduced new sounds of him humming and of graphite against paper, pages turning, finished books tossed onto the ground. He had to keep his mind active and sharp, after all.

Shizuo never stirred. He said nothing and Izaya almost wondered if he'd gone mute through purely psychological means. He was about to ask one day, sing _will Shizu-chan ever speak again?_ when the man did. His voice came out cracked and gruff at first, had to sit up and take a carefully rationed sip from one of the water bottles they had left lying around.

_"What do we do now?"_

Shizuo waited but Izaya ignored him, and he just laid back down again.

He began asking every day and Izaya ignored him every day.

_"What do we do now?"_

_"What do we do now?"_

_"What do we do now?"_

Their food rations were beginning to dwindle. Not that they ate much—just enough to survive—and with Shinra gone, they certainly had more between them, but there wasn't much left in the city and they'd gone through most of it. Izaya estimated maybe a few more months worth of food left at the most. Now that it was cold, their little vegetable garden wasn't producing as much to eat, if at all. It was expected and Izaya wished they'd brought more plants indoors. The ones Shizuo had ended up dying; despite him having cared for them attentively at first, once everything changed and it took everything for the two of them to just take care of themselves, plants went from being a second priority to not being one at all.

A few months' supply of food certainly sounded like a long time, especially when they did nothing all day, but Heiwajima Shizuo was 25 and Orihara Izaya was 26, and their lifetime _should be_ much more than a few more months.

Almost a week passed of Shizuo's one-sentence-per-day question. In fact, Izaya waited until he finished his tenth book before answering, speaking after the sun had set. The electricity finally cut out, so they resorted to candles if they needed the light. The water had stopped a while ago, but for now they were all right. They had found an abandoned delivery truck full of water bottles meant for large dispensers, the kind at offices. Though their bottled supply had run out, they had several of those and at least wouldn't die of thirst.

"What if we go on the road?" Shizuo asked, his second formulated sentence in a very, very long time. "We… we still have the RV. I mean… we've got nothin' tying us to here, right? What if… what if we just left?"

Izaya hummed. He didn't say anything but knew Shizuo understood when he didn't try to push his idea. Going on the road would be running away; it would be driving aimlessly with no goal in mind, no end in sight. They had no purpose and Izaya didn't like to do things without a purpose. Shizuo wanted to put off accepting what would happen and try to exhaust every last opportunity they had.

Izaya understood that sort of thinking. He'd observed it often, back when there were people to observe. It was the hopeful optimist; they refused to give up until they absolutely had to and, for the most part, it was a rather good way of dealing with life. So many people simply stopped trying once things got hard and missed out on success. The hopeful optimists may hurt themselves and may be even more disappointed in the end, but the one thing they could say that the others couldn't was that _at least I tried my absolute goddamn best._

Shizuo was like that.

Izaya wasn't. At least, not now; not when it was so obvious that going to another city wouldn't do anything. Japan was a very densely populated country; with that virus spreading, it was a miracle that anyone survived. And, Shizuo and Izaya saw for themselves, those who did survive had a rather high chance of just getting killed.

Leaving and driving aimlessly had very little appeal and at least if they stayed here, it would be what they knew. They'd have to leave eventually, Izaya knew, if they wanted to survive. They'd have to leave eventually, but eventually wasn't here.

Yet.

It was quiet and Shizuo didn't say anything again. He gave a heavy sigh and began to mumble about going out and trying to find some meat— _"maybe a deer gave birth or somethin'… maybe it's grown up by now…"—_ as he heard Izaya get up from his mattress. Footsteps crossed the distance to the kitchen and there was the sound of glass clinking together. It drew Shizuo's attention and he slowly pushed himself up, seeing Izaya walk back over in the moonlight, bringing with him a bottle of whiskey, two glasses, a candle, and a lighter.

The wick was lit first; a small flame gave just enough light for Shizuo to be able to see Izaya's face and vice versa. His eyes focused on him while he opened the drink and poured; he hadn't looked at Izaya properly in weeks. His face was pale, his face thinner, his hair longer. His black strands also lost their luster; with the running water cut out, clearly they didn't shower, but once in a while they spared just enough to wet a towel and clean themselves as best they could. They'd go to the nearby forest and find a fresh stream to take a more proper "bath" in, bringing along shampoo and conditioner, allow themselves the hollow appearance of being members of a society that was long dead, but they hadn't been out together in a while.

Not that Shizuo looked any better, he was sure. Izaya had playfully thrown him a razor and murmured 'Shizu-chan's got stubble' in a singsong voice. Shizuo raised a hand to touch along his jaw and did indeed feel a prickling sensation.

"Here," Izaya murmured, holding up a glass and giving a tired smirk. "What do we have to lose, right? We shouldn't waste water, so let's just deal with the hangover…"

Shizuo hated the taste of alcohol, especially hard liquor like whiskey, but he took the glass and threw his head back, downing it in one gulp.

People said good whiskey went down smoothly, and since Izaya had been the one getting the alcohol and deciding which bottles to keep and which to use for disinfecting purposes, this was probably good whiskey. But it _burned_ and had Shizuo coughing, sputtering, pulling a face, wincing as he brought a fist to his mouth. Izaya did the same, though his expression hardly flickered. The only thing that happened was his eyes closing, murmuring 'at least there's one luxury left' and poured them both another glass.

Shizuo had never gotten flat out drunk before, not with hard liquor, not shot after shot, and certainly not with Orihara Izaya. But there was no one left and their situation was so doomed it was almost laughable. They didn't say anything and it was only after about the fourth or fifth glass that Shizuo began talking. He had adjusted his position and brought his knees up, feet flat on the floor and ankles crossed. He held his currently empty glass with his two fingers and kept his head bowed, already sounding intoxicated. He'd gone days with minimal food and Izaya didn't need all the information he had on Shizuo to know the man never built up a tolerance; the bitter taste of most alcohol would be enough to ward him away from drinking.

His mumblings were incoherent at first and Izaya just waited. He was certainly feeling the effects himself as well, but unlike Shizuo, he was better at handling his liquor. He sat with his legs crossed and elbows on his knees, dark brow knit as he stared at the melting wax.

"We're gonna save the world…"

Shizuo's words were slurred, but the more he talked, the louder and slightly clearer they became. "We're gonna save the world… we're gonna save the world, we're gonna _save the world!_ "

Izaya was silent. Shaking his head, he poured himself a sixth glass of whiskey, filled Shizuo's to the halfway mark with water, clinked them and took his shot. The faint smell of fire was almost relaxing; Shizuo hadn't smoked in a while and Izaya found he even missed that. He missed the small things he hadn't realized they had been doing to maintain their civility.

He looked out the window. They kept it cracked open at night; the fresh air was good and if anything happened, they'd be able to hear it much more clearly. The moon was high and it was a clear night. If they were in the woods, Izaya thought, they'd probably be able to stargaze.

He almost choked a laugh.

_Shizu-chan and me stargazing… who would've thought?!_

Shizuo was swaying back and forth. Izaya kept an eye on his glass to make sure he didn't waste the water and ended up pushing the bottom of it, prompting the man to take the sip. His blond hair was growing out; Izaya could see brown roots beginning to shower and amused himself with the idea of finding some dye for him. If anything, he should probably offer a haircut.

Probably tomorrow.

There was still tomorrow.

"We're… gonna… save… the _world_ …" Shizuo slurred after he finished his glass. Izaya gave a sigh and took it from him, set his own down to help Shizuo lay on the mattress, slow in his own movements.

Shizuo fell asleep quickly; he was snoring quietly and Izaya gave a crooked smirk. He'd almost forgotten that Shizuo snored in his sleep; that meant he was fully, soundly asleep.

Neither of them had slept well in a long, long time.

Gaze lingering on him, Izaya blew out the candle and made his way to his own mattress. He'd realized weeks ago that he could take the room Celty and Shinra had been in. There was a reason Shizuo and Izaya slept at opposite corners of the room; now, he thought, he could have his own room. Have an entire wall separating him from the man he hated most, even probably dull the sound of his snoring a bit.

But he didn't. He kept his mattress where it was and just laid down, back towards Shizuo.

_"We're… gonna… save… the world…"_

Shizuo's words rang in his head and Izaya gave a defeated sort of knowing smirk.

"Whatever you say, Shizu-chan."

**december 13, 9:43 p.m.**

"Shoot me."

Izaya issued the command in a monotone voice, dropping the nine-millimeter semi-automatic handgun onto his mattress. Shizuo wasn't one to know gun terminology, but one of Izaya's ramblings the other day had been about his gun. Shizuo hadn't meant to listen—he really, really didn't care—but it was entirely silent and he had nothing else to do.

He'd spent his days staring at pictures and Kasuka's note. Shizuo's eyes skimmed over ever single detail and his fingers felt the creases and worn textures under his fingers; shaking hands eventually set them down, but he just stared at them on the floor. He missed Kasuka, he missed his family; he missed Celty, he missed everyone. With just him and Izaya, he had nothing left to distract him; talking to Izaya would make things worse, undoubtedly, and Shizuo was left alone with his thoughts.

He supposed that he _had_ properly mourned for Kasuka. Everyone else, not so much, but he had used any free time to dwell on Kasuka and it was time to accept it and move on. But the thought of moving on had Shizuo's chest tightening. Move on to _what_? Kasuka told him to live, but _how_? To live like _this_? Did Kasuka really want that?

Shizuo felt too drained to be miserable anymore. He hardly had the effort to get out of bed; the few times he went out with Izaya felt more taxing on his body than anything he had ever done before. He lost his appetite and almost his will to live. _Almost._ He'd push off eating until he was so weak that even sitting up made him feel like he was going to pass out, he'd neglect drinking until his throat felt so dry it was closing in on itself. He didn't speak, didn't care if he never would again, because there was no one he'd want to speak to.

He had only One Other Person Left and that person was Orihara Izaya, so Shizuo would be better off alone.

And despite everything he'd said to Izaya, every motivational thing he had ever spouted off, nothing mattered anymore. Not now, when there was no one else, when existing felt like the most draining thing in the world. All those times he'd cursed Izaya for actually having the audacity to say death was kind, Shizuo found himself thinking maybe, _just maybe_ , Izaya had been right.

He was tired. He was so tired, he was so exhausted. There was nothing to do and nothing to look forward to, just everything to regret. He was even too tired to hate Izaya. Even when he thought about how Izaya had shot Kasuka, Kadota, Namie, didn't blink twice when Chikage sacrificed himself, hardly batted an eye about his sisters, Shizuo couldn't find it in him to care anymore. He'd forgiven him, he had said, and he did, about Shinra. But maybe it wasn't forgiveness, maybe it was a lack of the will to care.

_Is this what it's like to die?_

_You just stop carin' about everything…?_

_…Guess that sounds about right._

_Sorry, Kasuka…_

Heiwajima Shizuo had been the strongest man in Ikebukuro, but that title didn't help him to protect the city he called his home from being decimated. It was nothing but ash and rubble, plagued with death and decay. The thought of never going back had been a pang at first, but it had been such a constant and pressing thought that he no longer felt anything. Shizuo felt numb. He felt nothing at all and it felt like he was just a robot, going from day to day. The only reason he was alive was because Izaya occasionally left food and water and because he couldn't kill himself, not when Kasuka's last wish was for him to live.

Shizuo couldn't take the life his little brother told him to cherish.

There had been times where he actually forgot about the state of the world. He knew that it had been decimated, but the gravity of the situation evaded him. It had been when there were others—Namie, Chikage, Kadota, Hachi, Shinra, Celty—who were with them, traveling and talking. Their presence helped him. For a split second, he was just entirely absorbed in the present and the arguing. He forgot. It had been blissful and he forgot, but now there was nothing and he was forced to remember.

Shizuo didn't do well with loneliness.

He was a rather solitary person by nature; he didn't need a whole group of people around him at all times. He was fine with just one, sometimes none; he didn't like to talk too much and needlessly (unlike a certain informant), but when he felt like he had no one, it brought him back to a childhood filled with emptiness and self-loathing that took root so deep in him he was still trying to claw it out. Being alone and being lonely were entirely different. One was a trait, one was a disease.

Izaya's words caught him by surprise, but Shizuo's expression barely flickered. Days had passed since the night of whiskey; Shizuo had woken up with a pressing headache, but it faded with another quick nap and some more water. He and Izaya went back to saying very little. Shizuo didn't even have the energy to try to think of what to do. And if Izaya wasn't spouting ideas, then Shizuo knew that there _was_ nothing to be done.

_Are we just waiting to die?_

And then one day, Izaya just dropped a gun and asked to be shot.

Staring at the gun, he looked up slowly, gaze meeting Izaya's. He was looking at him in a very Izaya-like manner: cold, impersonal, distant, yet with a hint of a smirk. A corner of his lips were quirked and Shizuo searched for the normal glimmer of a joke in his eyes, but they were empty. They had an annoying luster that used to piss Shizuo off, a "glimmer." He hoped it was a joke. He hoped to see mischief or amusement in his eyes, something that would let Shizuo know, ah, this was Izaya being a dick. Not Izaya being serious.

But they were empty.

"…What?"

"Shoot me," Izaya repeated and gestured towards the gun with his foot. "Since Shizu-chan… _stopped me_ that time, I figure Shizu-chan should do me a favor! Quick and painless, all right? Shizu-chan really should aim for the brain stem, but between the eyes should work as well. I'd really rather not draw a target on my forehead…"

Shizuo stared at him and it took a few moments for his voice to register but when it did, Shizuo recognized that Izaya was talking a bit breathlessly, a bit quickly. He was nervous. He was scared.

_He's scared._

_That's why he's making me do it._

_He knows that he can't do it himself… damn flea's a fuckin' coward. Tryin' to make me do the dirty work… as goddamn usual._

_He wants to die._

_He wants to die and he wants me to…_

"…No."

Izaya had expected the answer, judging by his nonchalant expression that Shizuo glimpsed at before turning away.

"Do it, Shizu-chan," Izaya murmured, crouching and eyes running over his silhouette. "Isn't that what Shizu-chan wants? To kill me? Isn't this Shizu-chan's dream come true? Here I am, giving Shizu-chan the chance! I'm not running and there are no catches! You want to kill me? I'm here. In fact, I'm _asking_ you too. Really, Shizu-chan, imagine how many people would kill for this opportunity."

"Shizu-chan's been talking about how he hates me so much… how things would be better off without me. Why, just the _thought of me_ angers Shizu-chan, no? So why is it now, when Shizu-chan has the opportunity, that he says no? Is Shizu-chan a coward…? Maybe Shizu-chan never intended to kill me! So Shizu-chan's just in it for the chase? It was all an act? My, my… how disappointing. And here I thought Shizu-chan was a true opponent… really, you wait until the very last moment to let me down?"

"Has Shizu-chan forgotten everything I've done? It can't be! Shall we recount? There's getting Shizu-chan fired, there's getting Shizu-chan arrested, there's pinning murder on Shizu-chan, there's depriving Shizu-chan of oxygen, there's slashing Shizu-chan across the chest… and more, surely! These are only the things I've done to Shizu-chan _directly_ … To someone like Shizu-chan, hurting his friends and family is worse than hurting him directly, right? After all, your self esteem is so low it makes sense… I bet on some level, Shizu-chan thought he deserved all that. But, moving on…"

"What about to Shizu-chan's friends and family? Certainly there's Celty… ah, how about Akane-chan? Is Shizu-chan angry about that, how I used a child? And that's not even _now_ … more recently, I killed Dotachin. I killed Shinra, I ruined Celty for eternity… why, I even killed _Kasuka_ … and we certainly can't forget about Namie. Does Shizu-chan not care about that anymore? What a shame… for all the crap you put me through…"

Despite starving and weak, Shizuo's grip was still surprisingly firm and Izaya felt bones in his wrist creak again. He was pulled harshly onto the mattress, the metal of the gun pressed to his neck as it moved with their bodies. Izaya's expression didn't flicker; he just stared at Shizuo and didn't think twice about being pinned under him. Shizuo had moved quickly, despite his apparent lethargy and lack of a will to live, but one moment Izaya was next to him and then he was under.

Orihara Izaya was scared of death, and yet he came up to Heiwajima Shizuo, asking to be killed.

Despite his fear, Izaya had come to accept that he'd die—he had actually finally _accepted it_ —and was simply dying _his_ way. A way he'd chosen. A quick, painless death, he had hoped, would be achieved with a gun, but this was Shizuo. He fully expected Shizuo to refuse and hoped that he'd be able to piss him off and push him far enough that Shizuo would kill him before realizing what he did.

Izaya's heart leapt, but he kept fear from showing. Shizuo was above him, gritting his teeth; he'd looked so fatigued earlier, but life had sprung back into his expression.

_No,_ Izaya corrected himself. _Not life._

_Anger._

"Shut the _fuck up_!" he growled and Izaya felt Shizuo's warm palm against the base of his neck, the area between his collarbones. "Shut up, shut up, shut the _fuck up_ , just stop fuckin' talking… I don't want to hear you talk, I don't… I don't want to hear any of that shit! Just… _just stop_!"

"Kill me," he repeated quietly, hardly able to keep urgency from his tone. "…Do it, Shizu-chan. This is what you wanted, isn't it?"

"I… I don't…"

"Doesn't Shizu-chan want to avenge everyone I've ever hurt…?" Izaya murmured, tried to goad him. "His friends, his family, his city, his life. I've been the catalyst of so many awful things and now Shizu-chan can avenge everyone."

"I… can't…"

"Is Shizu-chan going to just let me live? How will Shizu-chan live with himself, knowing the person who made his life a living hell, who spent his time showing Shizu-chan's _monstrosity_ , who is the reason Kasuka's body is dead and cold, laying in the open street of Osaka—"

"I can't… kill-!"

"Do it, Shizu-chan."

Izaya reached a hand up and took Shizuo's wrist. The man jolted a bit to feel Izaya's cool fingers and stared as he shifted the limb, wrapped his fingers around his throat.

"Kill me."

Orihara Izaya never thought he would sink to the level of having to ask _Heiwajima Shizuo_ for a favor. He never thought he'd see that day, but he never thought he'd have worked with Shizuo. The entire situation was appalling and unrealistic; it felt like some awful, awful nightmare, one where death was the only way to waking up.

"Kill me," he croaked again. "Kill me, Shizu-chan, do it, kill me, just…"

"I _can't_!"

"Do it. I know you want to, look, just do it, just squeeze, I won't fight, just do it. I've done so many things to you, really now, Shizu-chan, you should still have enough anger in you, if anything, to—"

" _I said I fuckin 'forgave you for all that!_ "

Shizuo's voice was so loud the window panes rattled and Izaya just stared at him. His slender frame was shaking; he wasn't crying, but he was shaking, his breathing heavy and Izaya just sighed. His eyes closed and he turned away, feeling a knot in his stomach as he sat up, still straddling Izaya's hips. A hand clenched and it met the wall forcefully, leaving a dent as he heard Shizuo's voice, sounding tiny and broken.

And for a split second, Izaya actually felt _bad_.

"Please," Shizuo's voice croaked. "…Please."

"…Don't make me a killer."

**december 25, 9:04 p.m.**

"So…"

"…"

"Merry Christmas, Shizu-chan."

They'd made a trip the night before, went to a small village nearby to see if there was any food. They found a few snacks and nonperishables, enough to last them for a bit longer. Somehow, miraculously, they found milk; Izaya had watched Shizuo's face light up in ways he hadn't seen since Shinra and Celty, murmured 'bet now you're glad we took this drive, right?'

And now they were back. Izaya was drinking a glass of wine, since coffee was hard to make without hot water, and Shizuo was enjoying his milk. They sat quietly in the living room, close enough to enjoy (or recognize) each other's company, but not too close to have to talk.

"I got you a present."

"Oh?"

Izaya looked over when he heard the sound of something sliding towards him. He set down his wine glass to pick up a hastily wrapped package and undid it slowly, a small frown pursing his lips. Shizuo was still staring out the window as the paper fell off and Izaya gave a ghost of a smirk. "A pen."

"You seem like the type of asshole who spends a shitton money on pens," Shizuo explained.

Izaya gave a hollow laugh and took out his own package, slid it towards Shizuo.

"There you go."

Glass still at his lips, Shizuo opted for the package instead of another sip. He unwrapped it in a much less delicate fashion than Izaya had and his breath hitched at seeing a picture frame. His fingers ran over the smooth, polished wood and his eyes softened, actually smiling.

"…Thank you."

Izaya nodded.

The next day, he saw Kasuka's note framed and propped up by Shizuo's mattress. He didn't say anything and Shizuo didn't either, but Izaya did use Shizuo's pen to write him a note:

_Shizu-chan's got decent taste in pens, at least._

**january 26, 12:01 a.m.**

"Happy birthday."

"Fuck off, I'm tryin' to sleep…"

Giving a tired laugh, Izaya took a seat next to Shizuo. He was intent on going back to sleep until he heard the unmistakable clicking of a lighter; immediately, he jerked awake and sat up, scrambling to get away from Izaya as quickly as he could. When he looked up, he saw Izaya with a raised eyebrow, looking at him curiously. "Don't worry, Shizu-chan. I know that if I wanted to set you on fire, I should douse you in gasoline first."

"The fuck you doin'?!"

"I," Izaya said in a low voice and Shizuo finally looked at what he was lighting instead of just the lighter, "am wishing Shizu-chan a happy birthday."

Shizuo didn't know where Izaya got a cupcake. Where on _earth_ he found a cupcake that would still be edible, but he didn't care. Just seeing it made his stomach growl; the appetite that had vanished for the past few months suddenly came back at the sight of something sweet, something that he used to save as treats. Once the candle was lit, Izaya carefully set the place down on the mattress, pulling the blankets away for good measure.

Shizuo stared at it for a moment before closing his eyes, bowing and blowing softly to extinguish the flame. The warmth and light vanished and they were back to basking in moonlight. Shizuo's hands were shaking as he undid the wrapper impatiently and Izaya watched as he began eating voraciously. He hadn't been eating much the past few days and so Izaya decided to, at least, do this one nice thing for the one person he had left.

Ever since _the December 13 incident_ , things had been tense between them. There had been a period where things were normal; they were more or less comfortable, having let down guards each had put up. Because, after all, it was lonely to keep up those guards when they only had each other. But after the gun, the command, Shizuo's desperate please, they'd gone back to how they always were, walled in themselves and their loneliness.

There had been times where Izaya had gotten angry at Shizuo. He was angry that Shizuo hadn't had to put anyone down, that Shizuo, more or less, had been keeping his hands clean of human blood this entire time, that he had been forcing Izaya to dirty his hands. But that night, that night where Shizuo was as vulnerable as Izaya had ever seen him explained it:

Izaya was fragile, but so was Shizuo.

Izaya was fragile; his heart was fragile, it could break with too much emotion.

But Shizuo was fragile and killing someone, succumbing to that monstrosity would break him. There was no doubt about it; Shizuo didn't have the heart to kill someone.

However, Izaya did. Izaya could. Izaya could do it while rationalizing its effect, whether it be for _their_ benefit or his own self protection. Izaya could kill someone and not lose his mind because he could compartmentalize.

But he couldn't handle emotion. Shizuo, however, could. Shizuo could handle all the emotion that Izaya didn't even want to touch upon; he could take them, mourn, grieve, yell, scream, get upset, and then recover and move forward.

They were both fragile in their different ways and as long as Shizuo would help him recognize absolutely necessary emotion, then Izaya could handle the killing.

"I won't make you do anything you don't want to do, Shizuo."

Izaya's voice was strong and clear. Shizuo paused and looked up at him, cupcake half gone, and was met with Izaya's cool and quiet gaze. Hesitating, he swallowed and gave a nod. "…Thanks."

Izaya returned the nod.

"We're partners, after all. Compromise is part of that."

**march 29, 11:04 a.m.**

Izaya was only planning on washing his hair, but Shizuo stripped down and stepped into the water, so he figured _why not_?

For a man who bathed daily and weighed himself, hygiene was essential to him. He kept clean and didn't feel right if he wasn't; skipping a shower was unacceptable and, if anything, he took multiple a day. He hated the feeling of grime and sweat lingering on his body, loathed his skin being sticky. But after the day it went to hell, he recognized that he'd have to make certain allowances.

Finding showers at first was lucky. He was able to keep clean, but once they began to travel and slept in the RV, he had to skip a day or two, unless they were close to a large body of water. Izaya could never grow accustomed to the feeling of being dirty, but he'd accepted it. When they found the apartment with Shinra and Celty, it was better; he took much faster showers, conserved as much of it as he could, but at least it was nearing a daily basis again. But, naturally, the water eventually ran out and there were times he and Shizuo would go up to a week without one. A wash cloth could only do so much and he was almost glad they didn't have mirrors

It was late March and still cold, but Izaya had had enough of washcloths. He'd snuck into apartments, checked to see if, by some miracle, they could find one where there was still running water. And, miraculously, there had been at first. But they soon also eventually ran out and Izaya was left with no showers and feeling absolutely disgusting.

Shuddering as he stepped into the cold water, his clothes folded neatly and set on top of a bag he had brought to keep them from getting dirty, he lowered himself into the water. Small bottles of shampoo and conditioner were brought by both of them and Izaya was more efficient in washing himself; after all, he didn't have Shizuo's same pain tolerance and the cold water affected him much more quickly. He lingered for only a bit after washing his hair and body, stepped out onto a towel he had laid out and used another to dry himself off before redressing. A glance towards the other man's direction let him see that Shizuo was just reclining, like nothing was out of the ordinary.

Izaya shivered and immediately began drying his hair a bit. For once, he was glad the sun, despite how little it currently did to warm him. His hair would dry in no time, but he'd keep medicine close by just in case he did get sick. Shizuo seemed incapable of getting sick.

_Idiots really don't catch colds…_

Mouth opening to tell him to go, Izaya hesitated. He turned and scanned the area quickly; he heard nothing and so instead sat down on the towel, looked out over the small clearing they were in. Shizuo had washed up, but he was still sitting in the water. Izaya wanted to murmur that while, yes, the water was clean, it wasn't perhaps _that_ clean, but Shizuo probably didn't care as much as Izaya did. He looked at peace and that was incredibly rare for them. They hardly left the apartment, much less the city, and so this was rare. They had to objectives: baths and meat. And with double the incentive, they decided to go, as they would have the rest of their lives to do nothing.

"Shizu-chan," he murmured upon spotting a deer a bit away, "open your eyes. I'll be annoyed if you get turned while I'm getting that deer."

"Shut up…"

But he did open his eyes.

Killing a deer was easier than killing a zombie. After having to kill those, a deer was easier for him. Izaya was quiet as he approached the animal searching for food; he hid behind a tree for a few moments before expertly sending his blade to sink into its body. It fell over and Izaya looked around to make sure there wasn't a zombie he hadn't seen before heading over.

He pulled the knife out and wiped it as best he could on some nearby leaves before sheathing it and replacing it in his pocket. He brought it back to where Shizuo and their RV were, left it so that he and Shizuo would work on preparing it together. Giving a sigh, he returned to sitting on the towel and leaned back on his palms, looking up through the canopy of leaves.

Despite how many he'd killed by now, Izaya would never get used to the feeling of sinking his blade into flesh, cold blood spilling onto him. It was easier than stabbing a human due to the decay, he thought, but it still left an uneasy feeling in him. They weren't human, but they _looked_ human. They had the same faces as they did when they were alive and despite all logic, all reason, it would be impossible to separate that same body into two separate identities.

Izaya pulled a face.

_Nn… why am I thinking about that? What a waste…_

But even he couldn't fool himself anymore; there was a sullen melancholy, even in his normally jolly tone. He was tired, just as tired as Shizuo (if not more so) and he wondered exactly where this lifestyle was heading. This wasn't living and surviving was exhausting and hardly felt fulfilling. They had only each other to talk to, so they didn't talk.

This situation didn't make Orihara Izaya hate Heiwajima Shizuo any less. If anything, he hated him _more_.

Shizuo was being annoyingly _mature_ now. He seemed to have accepted the losses of his friends and family and was now just quiet. Waiting. Patient.

Heiwajima Shizuo wasn't supposed to be _patient_.

_Maybe Shizu-chan's giving up too…_

_But Shizu-chan would never kill himself… he can't even kill me._

_Shizu-chan's so soft…_

Izaya hated that there was only Shizuo left and he hated that Shizuo was proving to be human with every passing day. It angered him that Shizuo was so human and so much more in touch with his emotions, let them show so much more clearly and could process and handle them in their entirety. Izaya _hated it_ and yet couldn't voice it, _wouldn't voice it_ because that would do nothing except amplify that hidden feeling of shame he had tucked away in the deepest crevices of his mind.

_I hate him…_

_And he hates me._

_Yet he can't kill me…_

_Ah._

_He probably never really had it in him…_

"Izaya."

Shizuo's voice was clear and low, cut through the silence. Izaya hummed, but didn't bother looking over. He heard the rippling of water and knew Shizuo was getting out; he had no need to see what he didn't need to.

"…Don't leave."

Izaya knew that Shizuo still hated him. He knew that without a doubt; their hatred ran so deeply in their veins that it was overwhelmingly passionate and it was still _amazing_ that a single agreement of being partners created this loyalty. The partnership, on the surface, was built on that handshake, but Izaya easily knew it was really based on their fear of being alone and having no one else.

Their arch nemesis was still better than not being alone.

Izaya didn't say anything as he stood. He washed his towels quickly while Shizuo picked up the deer and headed back to the RV first. He followed after and hung the wet towels up as they began to make the drive back, engine revving to life nicely and vehicle starting smoothly.

"Shizu-chan can prepare the meat. Shizu-chan's better at that, anyway…" Izaya murmured, a hand on the wheel lazily. "Aah… we have a few spices left, so I'll use those. We'll have an actual meal tonight. Is Shizu-chan excited? Shizu-chan must be…"

"Shut up…"

"It's getting late tonight, but we can try going to some of the surrounding shrines… Maybe Hikawa? There could be food… maybe electricity is still there and we find milk for Shizu-chan! Seriously, Shizu-chan's like a kid…"

"Tch."

He felt domestic and it was disgusting, talking to Shizuo about dinner and, in this new era, grocery shopping. It was like they were just accepting that this was their life. They surely didn't have any sort of a notion to save Japan or save the world, despite Shizuo's drunken ramblings, but this felt like _giving_ up. They'd gone from desperately trying to find others to find a way to return to normalcy and now they were grocery shopping.

Orihara Izaya and Heiwajima Shizuo were now driving to Hikawa to find Shizuo some milk.

It was almost laughable.

It _was_ laughable.

But with the world in the state that it was and everyone gone, with everything destroyed and no chance of revival, what else was there? He could play house with Shizuo as they just _sat there like ducks_ waiting for death.

"How about Shimabara? Maybe we should take a vacation…"

"I don't like boats."

"You know, Shizu-chan… the bigger problem here is that we don't _have_ a boat."

Giving a crooked smirk, Izaya rested an elbow on the vehicle door, leaning his cheek against his palm. Shizuo's feet were up on the dashboard and he grunted again, mumbling 'then why bring it up?'

"The world is our oyster," Izaya explained dryly.

Shizuo sighed, running a hand through his still wet hair. "I thought you said there's no point in hittin' the road."

"There isn't… not if we want to find a way to, as Shizu-chan put it, _save the world_. But, ahh… I don't quite feel like rotting away in a little apartment in Kumamoto…"

Shizuo snorted. "An apartment in Shimabara is going to be better?"

Izaya made a turn and didn't say anything. Shizuo kept quiet, save the small mumbles and retorts under his breath, and Izaya waited until they were back in the city to speak, his voice low. "Shizu-chan, we left Osaka because of Kasuka."

From the corner of his eye, he saw Shizuo freeze, suddenly realizing what Izaya meant. It wasn't that an apartment in Shimabara was better to die in than an apartment in Kumamoto, but it was that the apartment in Kumamoto was where Shinra had died.

Shinra, his only friend.

Shinra, his only hope.

They'd stayed at Izaya's request, and now they were going to leave at his request. Izaya had waited until the unbearable thought of being where Shinra had died outweighed the terrifying notion of going without a plan, and it seemed to be nearing that point.

Still silent, Shizuo waited until they had gotten back. Izaya put the vehicle in park, but Shizuo was already out before it, taking the deer and heading around the building to prepare the meat. Red eyes narrowed but he gathered his bag and checked the towels before leaving them, cracking the windows open a bit.

He went upstairs to gather what he needed, making a quick spice rub and bringing a lighter back down. With electricity gone, meaning no refrigeration, Izaya knew the meat wouldn't last long. But with their appetites, they would be able to more or less finish all of it, especially considering there was Shizuo. And if there was leftover, then they could make jerky.

It was rather rudimentary cooking, but it was food and Izaya's stomach let out a growl so loud he vaguely wondered if a zombie would be able to hear it.

"Let's get a boat."

Izaya hummed at Shizuo's proposal. Shizuo had heard him approach, but didn't turn around. Izaya created a small area to build a fire and set up a stand to roast the meat on. They were lucky that there was such a clearing close to the apartment and dry twigs around; it was probably the one thing that had gone their way since this all started.

"We don't necessarily need a boat… we could just drive. It would take longer…"

"All right. Let's drive then. Do we have enough gas?"

"I'm sure we can find abandoned cars along the way…"

Shizuo nodded as he brought the meat over, Izaya still prodding the fire as he added twigs.

"…Partners."

Shizuo uttered a single word, but Izaya understood it. He hummed. It was a cool night and though the fire was emitting a smoke, zombies had never been attracted to this area before, so he wasn't overly worried about being attacked. He'd changed into shorts and a t-shirt, for once not wearing some sort of a jacket.

_Partners_ had become the word to describe their new relationship because _partners who still hate each other_ was a mouthful. _Partners_ held their promise and loyalty, that they wouldn't turn on each other and that they wouldn't betray each other. That they wouldn't leave each other, that they were in this together.

_Partners_ was why Shizuo had agreed to Shimabara.

Izaya smirked, nodding to signify he was ready to start cooking. He raised a hand to run his fingers through his hair (he'd recently given himself a haircut and Shizuo one as well, so their hair, at least, was back to normal length) and looked to Shizuo. He was still staring at him expectantly and for half a moment, Izaya was tempted to call him a dog, tease that Shizuo had become his pet.

But that would mean a difference in rank, that would mean deference, and that wasn't what was going on now.

Izaya's hand fell, smirk widening.

"Partners."


	16. a reason

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> you can't hate someone at first sight. you need a reason.

**june 8, 9:24 a.m.**

Shizuo woke up, but he also didn't.

Izaya was in the kitchen, trying to scrape together some sort of breakfast for himself. Their food supply was running low and they'd taken to eating sparingly, only if they needed to. They'd agreed to go to the forest again soon; now that it was summer, they hoped that they'd have better luck than the last few times. Two grown men had a hard time living off of just one rabbit, after all.

Izaya heard grunting and ignored it; Shizuo sleep-talked and sleep-mumbled very often, and grumbling was one of the more common habits among all of humanity. He continued to retrieve the glass he was looking for; their supplies were low but he'd woken up with a parched throat and lethargy. He made sure to pour slowly, didn't want to risk spilling any of what precious water they had left.

Lifting the glass to his lip, he finished almost all of it in one gulp; the water was delicious, soothed his dry lips and ache in his throat. Finishing his glass of water, Izaya turned around and looked at Shizuo's body sprawled on top of the mattress. He leaned against the refrigerator and cradled the empty glass in his hand; they hadn't left yet for Shimabara and it was entirely because of him. Shizuo hadn't pushed it, just as Izaya hadn't brought it up after that one time, that one night.

He hadn't lost his nerve. He certainly knew they needed to move on, but that cowardly part of him, the part that was deathly afraid of what else was out there, wanted to stay here and milk out their resources until they absolutely _had_ to go. They were getting close, but Izaya figured they could last a few more weeks. But as the sun continued to rise and set, as the world continued to turn, as the universe continued to expand, his delusion was crumbling and the reality was approaching.

Izaya didn't even really _like_ Shimabara.

"Wake up, Shizu-chan," he murmured, voice teasing as he approached him, nudging at the mattress with his foot. "Rise and shine, you stupid brute. I'm bored."

Had Izaya been able to spare time to think, he would've made a note how asleep-Shizuo was much easier to offend and piss off than awake-Shizuo.

Which said something.

The moment his foot applied enough pressure to just barely budge the mattress, even with Shizuo's weight on it, a hand shot out and grabbed Izaya by his ankle. The glass cup he'd still been holding fell from his fingers and shattered to the ground right as the back of Izaya's head met hardwood floor harshly. But as he was hurrying to catch his breath and think past the pain, Shizuo was suddenly over him, knees on either sides of his hips and hands around his neck.

Shizuo hadn't eaten or drank properly for days. They'd been running low on water (Izaya having that glass was actually something he wasn't supposed to do) and so Izaya easily pinpointed this erratic behavior as delirium. Shizuo's eyes were open, but he wasn't awake; he was glaring at him, expression furious. His teeth grit together, only separating long enough to growl the traditional nicknames he'd always roared at Izaya's back.

Sputtering, Izaya very quickly knew he wouldn't be a match for Shizuo, even in his weakened state. But with his weight and his inhumane strength (which was probably at fifty percent, given his neck hadn't snapped), Izaya had very little chance of being able to throw him off. But even at fifty percent, his grip was tight enough that Izaya couldn't breathe, despite craning his neck every which way desperately.

"Shi… zu… o…!"

The syllables of his name came out harshly in choked gasps. Izaya's hands tried to scratch, hit, pull at clothing, hope that something would wake him up. But Shizuo's expression remained empty save the rage; his eyes were still blank as he growled 'you goddamn piece of shit' and 'fuck you!'

His vision was beginning blur and oxygen deprivation was affecting what, compared to Shizuo's, measly strength he had. His palm scanned the floor near him and his fingers brushed against a broken shard of glass. Immediately, he grabbed it and ignored it slicing into his own palm. His arm swung up in an arc, glass cutting against Shizuo's cheek. It wouldn't be deep enough to hurt him (much, anyway) but it was enough for Shizuo to be startled.

The moment his hands loosened, Izaya took a gasp and moved the shard to press it to Shizuo's neck. Blood trickled down his trembling arm into his long sleeve and he watched Shizuo's expression as his chest continued to rise and fall, greedily breathing in sweet oxygen.

He watched Shizuo freeze, then start to wake up. It took him a few moments and he looked confused; once he realized what was happening, what Izaya was holding to his neck, he growled and shoved his arm away, scrambled off of him. "What the-?!"

"We're going out for food," Izaya croaked, unharmed hand reaching up to rub his neck as he glared at Shizuo tiredly. The other glared back for a few moments before he really looked at Izaya, saw the way he was massaging his throat, the weapon he held in his other hand, heard his coughs and voice. His expression melted from annoyed to surprise, finally settling on realization.

"…What did…"

"We need water," Izaya interrupted, giving a few coughs to clear his throat. "And definitely food. There are some crackers left and about enough for three glasses of water. Go eat and drink. I don't need you jumping on me again…"

"I—"

"Yes, you did. But no, you didn't."

Taking a moment after he stood to lean against a wall and catch his breath properly, Izaya could hear Shizuo shuffling about behind him. He'd closed his eyes and only opened them when he could feel Shizuo standing close to him. A presence that used to both excite and fill him with a rush of adrenaline now left him feeling a very strange, cautious sense of security.

His eyes opened to see Shizuo holding a towel, antiseptic, and bandages. His expression was torn between guilt ridden and annoyed and Izaya gave a smirk. He held his hand out and Shizuo poured a bit of the antiseptic onto the towel as he began to dab away the blood to clean the wound, holding Izaya's slighter hand in his. Izaya didn't look up at him, but if he did, he knew Shizuo wouldn't be returning his gaze; guilt emanated from him and while it was his fault, a small surprising part of Izaya didn't quite blame Shizuo.

"…Izaya," he mumbled, voice low.

"Hmm?" Izaya returned, voice sing-song.

Shizuo hesitated and swallowed.

"…If that happens again, just kill me. Don't die for my sake."

Izaya was silent as Shizuo finished with the towel and wrapped his hand with the bandages. They were surprisingly well done, Izaya noted, and he experimentally curled and uncurled his fingers. He was glad the wound wasn't bad enough for stitches; he didn't quite want to do that to himself and didn't trust Shizuo's hands to not shake enough to shove the needle through his entire palm.

"Don't worry," he murmured, looking up and tilting his head.

"That was Plan B if Plan A of waking Shizu-chan up didn't work."

**june 9, 5:41 p.m.**

After a very short and urgent run for more water and food, they returned. Footsteps were heavy as the trudged up the stairs, door throwing open and Izaya mustering the little strength he had left to lock it. The case of water he was carrying was nearly dropped on the floor before he ripped it open and grabbed a few water bottles, Shizuo doing the same, only moving from their spots to grab the knapsack of food Shizuo left on the ground between them. Neither said anything as they ate voraciously and chugged the water. Izaya had rationed his portion a bit; he left aside a few bottles of water and some crackers, in case this morning's incident happened again. He urged Shizuo to eat and drink everything; clearly, he'd explained dryly between chugging water, Shizuo needed the nourishment.

And now Shizuo was resting; he'd laid back down and was asleep within minutes. Izaya would never understand how Shizuo could sleep at any hour of the day with sunlight directly on his face; it just had to be Another Unsolved Mystery of Heiwajima Shizuo.

Despite it seeming that all they really had to do nowadays was sleep, they were still exhausted. Izaya found it hard to allow himself to relax long enough to fall asleep. Even with aching muscles and burning eyes, he'd lay on his mattress, sleep evading him. They agreed to take turns keeping watch, but Izaya would always end up telling Shizuo to go back to sleep, he didn't mind taking another shift, that the chances of zombies coming to them _now_ would be unreasonable.

He'd sit on the windowsill all night, chose the one that gave a nice view of the city and forest beyond it. One knee would be crooked, arm resting on it, and the other would dangle. The idea of bringing both legs over and rocking back and forth crossed his mind, just wanted to see what would happen, but he never attempted it. The times he'd considered seriously, he's look over to see Shizuo's sleeping form and change his mind, give a heavy, resigned sigh.

_He's like an anchor…_

Orihara Izaya wasn't one to want to die, but he was one to flirt with the line and indulge in the exhilaration. But he'd never wanted to cross it; he liked bending it, but always made sure not even a toe stepped over the line.

_**october 13, 8:32 p.m.** _

_"You'd really be doing humanity a favor if you died."_

_"That's so sweet of you to say, Namie-san… I truly enjoy your presence everyday."_

_Giving a slightly strained smirk as he limped into his apartment and closed the door behind him, Izaya made his way to the refrigerator for an icepack before heading to the couch, all without a single offer to help from his secretary._

_However, if she did offer to help, he'd be very suspicious._

_He gave another slightly exaggerated sigh as he lowered himself carefully; his clothes were still dirtied and his pants covered the bandaging around his ankle. Carefully resting his sprained ankle and placing the ice pack on it, Izaya finally leaned back and looked to Namie. "So, how has your day been?"_

_Silence._

_"Been doing all the work I left for you this morning?"_

_"And the files you emailed me, then the ones you texted me to find."_

_"Excellent! And my groceries?"_

_"Leftovers are on the counter."_

_"Bring them to me, would you?"_

_"No."_

_Pulling a slight face, Izaya draped his arms over the back of the couch. The apartment was dark, main lighting set to dim and the brightest source from Namie's desk lamp. Considering she was a secretary, Izaya always thought that, on some level, she should've appreciated how well he treated her, in terms of compensation and working area. His apartment certainly wasn't shabby and while he never expressed she could eat, sleep, shower, and watch television, she did so at her own liberty._

_Looking around his apartment and complimenting his own design aesthetic, his gaze returned to Namie._

_"Namie-san," he drawled, knew that she could hear him, "how about hotpot tonight?"_

_"What," she returned dryly, eyes never once leaving the computer screen, "feeling especially lonely and friendless tonight?"_

_He smiled at her._

_"You don't need the extra money, and yet it's Friday night and you're here. Is Seiji on a date with Mika?"_

_He instantly noticed that the clicking of her manicured nails to the keyboard grew louder and angrier, smirking victoriously._

_"Eat before I get to your food first."_

**june 9, 7:39 p.m.**

"You went out again?"

"Shizu-chan's snoring makes the apartment rattle," Izaya replied, his answer having minimal connection with Shizuo's question.

Scowling, Shizuo met only with Izaya's smirk. He'd looked around the apartment and instantly noticed more water, more food, and a shopping cart. Without his strength, evidently Izaya had to find some way to bring multiple things back with only one trip. On one hand, he was impressed that Izaya had found the strength to go back out and find more supplies. On the other hand, the idea of Izaya pushing a cart down the street, as if he were just grocery shopping, and whistling made Shizuo mad.

"Fuck you," he mumbled, sitting up and running a hand through his hair. "Could've died…"

"Shizu-chan, I was gone a total of thirty minutes. A zombie would take at least an hour to get through that padlocked door, which is still faster than you."

Shizuo stared at him with a strange expression.

"Kidding!" Izaya sang, rolling a few bottles of water towards him. "Shizu-chan would just kick it down without thinking of the consequences, as he always does."

"…Are you tryin' to piss me off enough to shove your head through the floor?"

Smirking, Izaya stood and disappeared into the kitchen again, giving Shizuo an opportunity to drink the water. The liquid was welcomed by his parched throat and he laid back down, feeling better. He'd felt a bit uneasy all day and tried to not dwell on it; he'd slept a bit, but a good deal of the time was spent laying under the covers and thinking about how he'd almost killed Izaya.

_Izaya._

Because for every time Shizuo had wanted him dead, for every time Shizuo had tried to kill him, he couldn't believe he'd actually wrapped his hands around Izaya's neck, would've killed him had it not been for his weakened state and Izaya waking him up. He caught glimpses of the bruises; Izaya didn't exactly go too much out of his way to hide them, but he made an effort, evidenced by the powder and foundation Shizuo saw by Izaya's mattress and his pulling the hood of his coat close to his neck.

He tried to imagine what it would've been like to wake up afterwards, see Izaya's lifeless body, the bruises on his neck and piece everything together. How he'd be staring at Izaya's corpse and realize that it was _his_ fault; he'd killed a human. How his mind would've gone blank and he would've collapsed, wanted to look away but been unable do, have absolutely no idea what to do not, just knew he'd screwed up.

Not only because he was only, not only because he'd killed his partner:

Because he'd killed a human.

And not just any human; a human who had saved his life and kept him from giving up.

Thinking about it again made his stomach turn and Shizuo growled, resting an arm over his eyes. He'd been listening to Izaya shuffle around most of the day, the pages flipping and his sighs. He'd heard the sounds of Izaya existing, of Izaya being alive and, more than anything else, was comforted by the fact that there was another human being with him.

Even if it was Izaya.

"I think Shizu-chan and I should get to know each other."

He heard Izaya's words and then the sound of a bottle being set down. Removing his arm and rolling his head to look, he saw a bottle of what he identified as vodka based on the label. Brow knit, he looked to Izaya.

"…That shit's disgusting."

"Well, Shizu-chan," Izaya sighed and drank from the opened bottle first before offering it to him, "getting drunk is the only way we'll hold a meaningful conversation. I had a nice little opportunity to think while I was looking for some candy for Shizu-chan. I found none, by the way."

"No."

After his abrupt reply, Shizuo rolled onto his other side, back to Izaya. But he heard the creaking of floorboards and patter of feet, soon sensed Izaya's presence in front of him again. He growled and pulled the covers over his head, decided suffocation was worth it to not see Izaya's stupid face.

"Come now, Shizu-chan," Izaya's voice sounded, only slightly muffled by the blanket. "It's just the two of us… don't you think we should get to know each other? Isn't there anything Shizu-chan wants to know about me? Like why I call him Shizu-chan?"

"Because you're a prick."

"I'll say something about myself, you say something relating to the same topic. Then you pick the new topic and say something about yourself. Easy, right? Shizu-chan even gets to control half of the game."

Shizuo didn't answer and he felt the edge of the bottle touch to his cheek, was annoyed that Izaya knew where it was. He turned and burrowed his face into the pillow; he didn't want to drink, he didn't want to talk. There'd been times where he tried to talk to Izaya, but he'd been shot down. And now Izaya wanted to talk, but Shizuo didn't, and he certainly didn't owe him any sort of a conversation.

He just wanted to lay there and reminisce.

"Shizu-chan, don't you think it would make all of this slightly more bearable if we were more than people who used to try to kill each other?"

Izaya's voice was quiet, his words some of the most gentle Shizuo had ever heard from him. His face was in the pillow until he really _was_ on the verge of suffocating, and he finally sighed, throwing the blanket aside and sitting up. He grabbed the offered vodka, already opened, and brought it to his lips, threw his head back and felt the burning liquid against the back of his throat, coughed and winced as he handed it back to Izaya.

"I'm not twenty one," Izaya said and took another gulp, passing it back.

Shizuo stared at him incredulously.

"…You-!"

"Shizu-chan, you think _one_ shot is all it takes to get drunk?"

"…I'm twenty six," he mumbled after a pause, pulling a face before his next sip; his fights with Izaya had to be picked because he could fight with him about everything, but had the energy for only a select few. "…I always wanted a dog."

"I'm more of a cat person."

"Of course you are."

Izaya smirked and moved to sit back against the wall, sighing and looking past Shizuo. "My parents weren't around much when I was a kid."

Vodka slowly set on the ground between them after his drink, Shizuo shifted to be crossing his legs and pushed his bangs back from his face as he regarded Izaya warily. It was beginning to get dark; that was the one thing Shizuo had always liked about summer. He never liked the dark much, but for the past few months, that was the least of his problems. "…Is that s'posed to be some excuse for the shitty way you turned out?" he asked tiredly.

"Oh, no. You can blame Shinra for that."

Grumbling under his breath, Shizuo let his hair fall back to how it normally was and rubbed his eyes tiredly. "My family was normal. I like blue."

Izaya stared at him.

" _Insightful_."

"Oh, piss off."

Giving a dry laugh, Izaya took another swig. Shizuo tried to figure out how Izaya could drink hard liquor like water; his expression hardly flickered, while Shizuo's contorted to express his displeasure and pain. Did Izaya drink often? Shizuo certainly didn't expect that.

"I like grey. I call Shizu-chan by that nickname because that's how I first heard you addressed and thought you were a girl."

"…I thought you were an ass since the first time I saw you."

"Do you mean met?"

"No. Saw."

Managing a dry laugh at Izaya's slightly offended expression, Shizuo reached for the vodka and took a tiny sip, yet held the bottle to his closed lips to give the appearance of actually drinking more. By the time he set it back down, he was greeted with Izaya's arched eyebrow and incredulous look, knew he'd held it too long for it to be believable. Scowling, he looked away and reached a hand up to palm the back of his neck; he felt pleasantly warm and dizzy already. He wondered if the warmth in his cheeks was a blush or not, wanted to steal a glance at Izaya to see if he was also feeling the liquor. But he didn't; getting caught looking at Izaya by Izaya was shameful, even with the whole "if he catches you looking, that means he was too" thing.

"I," Shizuo hesitated and cleared his throat. His words were suddenly lodged and he couldn't express them. Izaya didn't say anything. He sat there patiently and quietly, waited for Shizuo as he swallowed and closed his eyes.

"…I think that… maybe we could've been friends."

He didn't know if alcohol could affect his hearing, but it was quiet. He didn't know what else to say and Izaya was silent. He could feel blood rushing to his cheeks and was about to yell at Izaya to not stop playing his own game when he saw a pale hand take the bottle in his peripheral vision. The vodka sloshed around a bit when Izaya set it back down, gave a quiet laugh.

"I don't know about that. What makes you say that?"

"I mean," Shizuo mumbled, "if you didn't cut me—"

"Well, if _you_ didn't attack me—"

Mouth open to retort something else sharply, Shizuo caught himself just in time and swallowed thickly. He counted backwards from ten to calm himself, took a deep breath for good measure. Reminded himself that just because he _could_ , he _shouldn't_.

"…I don't believe in fate or anything like that," he said finally, shoulders slumping a bit. "I don't think that we were _meant_ to hate each other. I think if things were different… if we met at different times, if we met in a different way… maybe we would've gotten along. And if we did… everything would be different. Maybe you'd be different. Maybe I'd be different. Maybe some things wouldn't have happened. Maybe other things would've."

It was something Shizuo thought about often, especially one nights where he particularly loathed himself and Izaya. He'd think about what he could've done differently, if it was his fault.

It was strange to imagine a world where Heiwajima Shizuo and Orihara Izaya didn't hate each other, but maybe, just maybe, a world like that could exist.

As his voice trailed off, Izaya saw Shizuo's gaze rise and look past him, through the window at the deserted city. He observed Shizuo quietly for a moment, saw the wonder and sadness in his expression, eyes slightly glazed.

He hummed, took another gulp of the vodka before reaching for the cap, deciding that was enough for tonight.

"Don't worry, Shizu-chan. I'm sure our hatred didn't cause the apocalypse."

**june 13, 2:49 p.m.**

Shizuo was loitering and it pissed Izaya off, but he pretended he didn't know and continued to read his book.

But with every flip of his page, he could hear Shizuo doing _something_. He was either shuffling or scratching his cheek, breathing or clearing his throat. It was only when he'd finished the book (for the thirteenth time) and set it down that Shizuo spoke, words coming out a bit hurried and Izaya's expression soured. He'd been waiting, and not very patiently.

"Weren't we heading to Shimabara?"

Seeming to ignore him at first, Izaya stood and walked past Shizuo without so much as a glance. He put the book back where it had belonged, having organized his growing collection by both genre and author. Taking a step back, his arms crossed over his chest and he hummed as he tried to decide which book to read next. Shizuo watched him and after about thirty seconds, he tried again:

"Izaya?"

"That one I've read… and that. I'm starting to memorize all of these…"

"…Izaya?"

"That one was interesting, but I'd much rather reread it with some time in between…"

"…Izaya," he said slowly and in a louder voice. "We—"

"I'm going out," he announced, turning to Shizuo and smiling. "Care to join me?"

Without waiting for a response, he swept past Shizuo again, picking up a coat similar to his signature one and pulled it on. He could see Shizuo hesitate for a moment before scrambling to follow suit, step into his shoes and just barely pull them on properly to avoid stumbling down the stairs after Izaya. Sunlight hit his skin immediately and he was grateful for it, wondered why Izaya even bothered with a coat in this weather. His mouth opened but when he looked to Izaya, he saw a glint from each pocket as Izaya reached into them and closed his mouth.

"We need to talk about this," Shizuo said, long strides enabling him to catch up with Izaya quickly. "I figured you were planning or something but… are you still even thinking about it? Look, Izaya, we're running out of food and supplies. What we have now might really be the last of it. And it'll be more worth it to just go to another city. We've basically cleared out the smaller towns surrounding here and—"

"Shizu-chan should start reading again too. Actually, you do, don't you? If Shizu-chan didn't sleep all day, we could start our very own two person book club…"

Izaya pulled a face.

"How lame."

"Oi! Are you even listenin'?!"

"Shizu-chan," Izaya said, abruptly turning a corner and causing Shizuo to have to retrace his last few steps. "I'll get around to it, yeah? Don't worry, we won't both die here."

Scowling, Shizuo hurried ahead to cut him off, forcing Izaya to look at him. "I thought you were actually moving on but, Jesus, you're just going back! You can't—"

"Shizu-chan, I _really_ don't have time for this lecture today," Izaya said, voice light but sharp as he cut him off. "So why don't you go back first? You'd probably be a hindrance more than anything; you'd walk right into a zombie's jaws…"

Not bothering to look up at Shizuo, Izaya walked past him, hands in his pockets and shoulders slightly rounded, habit having him bow his head to hide his annoyed expression even though there was no one around to see him. Shimabara had been the plan, but the morning after he'd proposed it, Izaya had very abruptly and firmly changed his mind. Shizuo had been quiet about it at first, but then it became increasingly difficult to dodge the question. Shizuo wanted to leave, he knew, but Izaya didn't.

But if there was one thing Izaya was good at, it was weaseling his way out of situations, sometimes more gracefully than other times.

Sighing, he straightened. His eyes were closed and he let his head fall back, head rolling to stretch out his neck as he rounded a corner; there was a bookstore he had yet to inspect, figured there might be a convenience store or something around the area. At this point, chips were probably all that were left. He wondered how Shizuo's little vegetable garden was doing; fresh vegetables would be good, especially with meat, if Shizuo could not talk long enough so Izaya to be able to tolerate him on the drive to the forest.

He pouted.

"Shizu-chan's so—"

" _Watch where you're goin', you moron!_ "

Arm nearly jerking out of his socket, Izaya's palms barely reached out in time to break his fall as his feet tripped over each other during his backwards stumbling. Ignoring the dull pain and feeling of tiny rocks digging into his flesh, Izaya watched Shizuo grab the zombie's head and seamlessly slam it into the wall with practiced ease. A dark stain was left on the bricks as the body collapsed into a heap and Shizuo made a face, wiped his hand off next to the zombie's brains.

He was still breathing heavily but turned to look at Izaya, gave him a tired glare. "Get up. Bookstore's over there, right? Jesus, and you said I'd be the one to walk into a zombie's jaws…"

Nodding after a moment, Izaya stood and dusted off his pants. He lagged a few steps behind Shizuo; he'd been close enough to be able to see every disgusting detail of the zombie, its matted hair and torn clothes, ghastly skin and rotting flesh. He didn't even have time to feel panic; it'd been annoyance at Shizuo straight to nothingness from shock. Shizuo had come out of nowhere and he had to wonder:

_He knows I'm immune, and yet he saved me. Worst case would've been a bite that took a few days, maybe a week, to heal…_

_Mm…_

_…Strange…_

_Uncomfortable…_

"…You didn't go back?" Izaya asked finally, just as Shizuo opened the door to the bookstore. The chimes were still there, let out a high pitched sound that was welcoming, comforting, but also eerie and creepy.

"Of course not," Shizuo mumbled, stepping in and looking over his shoulder and glaring again.

"Couldn't leave you out here by yourself, even if you _are_ Izaya. Goddamnit."

_**october 13, 9:03 p.m.** _

_"You're strange."_

_"What a pleasant thing to say to someone."_

_Izaya had eventually gotten his food and made a cup of coffee for himself. There were a few texts from Shinra that he ignored and he was currently surfing the internet for another disposable phone to mess with Shizuo with. He'd limped to the kitchen and to his desk after the painkillers Shinra gave him had taken effect; unfortunately, he'd be stuck at home until his ankle was better, but it was a good thing that he had Namie's chilling company._

_"You're very strange," Namie murmured. The clicking of her typing stopped and Izaya looked up to see her looking at him with a strange, knowing sort of smirk before resuming her work. Immediately, he felt a flicker of annoyance. He hid it with a smile, crossed his arms and leaned back in his chair._

_"And why is that?"_

_Internet could surfing could wait. Sometimes conversation with Namie was fun, especially if Izaya could twist it to something about Seiji._

_"You're a coward," she said simply, leaning forward and resting her elbows on her desk._

_Izaya's smile wasn't phased._

_"And you're an incestuous stalker."_

_"You're usually on the outside of things," she said after taking a moment to scowl and flick her tongue. "Because you're never the one to be caught or dirty your hands. You just manipulate people and have them do your bidding."_

_"I do not," Izaya protested with a mock frown, feigning hurt. "All I do is provide them information, as such is my job! As for what they do with it… well, that's up to them, no? Namie-san, you cannot truly expect me to be responsible for people's actions…"_

_She stopped typing long enough to give him a long, hard stare before arching an eyebrow. Izaya tilted his head, drawled, "Is something the matter? Lost your train of thought?"_

_"You say you hate Shizuo, and yet…"_

_Izaya knew that even without looking at him, she'd know he'd twitched at the mention of Shizuo's name. Brow knitting at her profile, he leaned forward in his chair again to go back to surfing the internet, monitoring the chat room. This conversation with Namie was not fun._

_"Despite your cowardice, you're the one seeking him out and starting fights."_

_"Now, that's not true. Shizu-chan's always throwing things at me."_

_"Because you continue to make his life difficult and hurt the people he cares about."_

_"Mm… who says?"_

_She typed for a few more seconds before clicking a few things and standing, pushing in her chair._

_"Leaving?" Izaya called as she went to retrieve her bag and coat, giving a victorious smirk._

_"You make an awful large number of exceptions for him," she said once she returned to the living room area and was pulling on her coat. "And your whole "he isn't human" spiel. You're always singling him out, aren't you? He's your exception, the one you pay attention to more than anyone else?"_

_"We have to be wary of the monsters, Namie-san."_

_"Especially the ones we desperately excuse."_

_Bringing her hair over her shoulder, Namie went to the kitchen and Izaya watched her take a few of his snacks, pour some of his coffee into her thermos in preparation to leave._

_"You've said an awful lot today, Namie-san," Izaya said, breaking the silence as she opened the door. "Are we forming a boss and secretary relationship? If we are, you really shouldn't bring up Shizu-chan… that also doesn't reflect favorably on your monthly bonuses…"_

_"I'm just saying," Namie said airily as she looked over her shoulder._

_"I've seen people do more extraordinary things for love than hate."_

**june 9, 8:14 p.m.**

"Here you go."

"Thanks."

Dinner that night was instant ramen they had found and some vegetables, creating a balanced, nutritious meal. Shizuo had agreed to make another trip to the forest, pulling a face but nodding when Izaya added that it would be a quiet, silent, conversation-less trip.

"…You saved my life," Izaya said quietly as they stared at the covered ramen, waiting for three agonizing minutes to pass. They'd boiled water in a kettle outside and Izaya had brought it up to make the ramen while Shizuo put out the fire. By the time he came up, the water had been poured in, chopsticks over the paper covers to keep them closed, and Izaya had a blanket wrapped around himself. "…Again."

Shizuo ran his hand through his hair and frowned at him.

"Of course I did. We're partners, aren't we?"

Izaya was quiet for a several minutes, waited until his ramen was ready. He peeled back the cover and picked up his chopsticks, giving a heavy sigh. "Shizu-chan still considers that?"

He blew on his ramen for a bit before eating it; hot food was a delicacy nowadays, even if it was just instant ramen. Izaya couldn't remember the last time he had instant ramen this good, though he couldn't remember the last time he had actually looked forward to instant ramen in general. For Shizuo, he was sure, this as dinner was much more frequent.

But Izaya hadn't been having his standard dinner for a long while now.

Shizuo strugged, slurped his noodles and used the back of his hand to wipe away the soup that splattered on his chin and cheeks.

"I gave you my word, didn't I? I won't go back on it."

_**april 22, 4:23 p.m.** _

_"Man, Izaya… I mean, I told him you were an ass, but still…"_

_"I was protecting myself," Izaya returned with a smirk, leaning back in his desk as he looked to Shinra. "You saw! Shizu-chan attacked me! What a brute!"_

_"I mean…" Shinra said slowly, "you deserved it."_

_"I didn't even do anything to him!"_

_"Yet."_

_Returning to smirking after a feigned pout, Izaya sighed and stretched, back arching before his elbows were on the desk again. His fingers laced in order for his chin to rest on them as he looked out the window; he'd met Heiwajima Shizuo yesterday and saw him a few times today, but disappeared into the school crowd before Shizuo could see him._

_It had been interesting, to say the least. Izaya wasn't sure what he'd expected, but their meeting certainly hadn't been it._

_Except it had._

_He expected Shizuo's annoyance, he expected Shinra's rude introduction, he expected Shizuo's reaction. He'd expected all that, and yet something about Shizuo caught him off guard._

_Something about the feared Heiwajima Shizuo struck Izaya as odd; something about Heiwajima Shizuo was something that had been unprecedented to Izaya. Something about him surprised Izaya, but he couldn't pinpoint it and that, more than anything else, left an unsettling feeling in this pit of his stomach._

_Something about Shizuo was unique to Izaya._

_"Hey," Shinra piped. "Do you really hate him?"_

_"Hm? Of course."_

_"Why?"_

_"He's not human."_

_"His strength?"_

_"Among other things."_

_"Like what?"_

_"Shut up, Shinra."_

_Chair squeaking along the floor as Shinra pulled it up to Izaya's desk, he took a seat. And while Izaya looked out the window, Shinra's palms cradled his chin as he looked at him, giving that deceitfully innocent looking smile. "Are you sure you hate him? You can't hate someone at first sight. You need a reason to hate him."_

_"Who says?"_

_"Everyone."_

_"You mean Celty?"_

_"Of course!"_

_There was a shuffle as Shinra gave a quiet 'ah!' and pulled back, most likely to check his phone for any texts. But when Izaya heard nothing else except a small sigh, he could assume Celty hadn't sent him any messages. Sharp eyes immediately caught sight of a blond head of hair moving; eyes dropping, he watched Shizuo walking towards the school gate._

_He stopped suddenly, as if sensing someone watching him, and looked up. Their eyes made contact and Izaya's smirk widened, causing Shizuo's brow to furrow and his expression to darken. They held gazes for a few seconds before Shizuo was the first to look away, strides a bit longer and faster._

_"You know, Izaya, I do mean that. You can't hate someone at first sight. You need a reason. Love, though…"_

_His smirk dropped and was replaced with a scowl, looking slightly nauseous as he turned to Shinra._

_"…What are you implying, Shinra?"_

_His friend smiled brightly, adjusted his glasses._

_"Maybe that was love at first sight between you and Shizuo?"_

**june 10, 2:53 a.m.**

_Damn that Shinra._

Sitting up, having been jolted awake, Izaya's chest was rising and falling with heavy pants. A palm came up to press to his forehead, pushing his hair out of the way, as he tried to collect himself. It had been a while since he'd dreamt like that, and it had been a _very_ long time since he'd allowed him to think about Shinra.

That day had stuck with him; he could still remember the cold, metal chair leg touch against his exposed ankle when he saw, the fabric rubbing against his elbow when his arms moved. He'd had some tuna for lunch and plain rice that day, stolen a bit of Shinra's noodles when he wasn't looking. Their lessons were boring, as usual, and one of the kids in their class was called down to the principal's office, eliciting the typical high school class response of 'ooh's.

_You can't hate someone at first sight. You need a reason._

"Tch… like I'd take advice about love from _Shinra_."

Izaya looked up and without quite realizing it, he was staring at Shizuo.

"I love everyone. _Except_ Shizu-chan…"

Something had been different about Shizuo when they first met, and something continued to be different about Shizuo now, after all this time together. Something about Shizuo made it impossible for Izaya to ever really _know_ who he was, would make it impossible for him to be able to make an educated guess at his future actions, his thoughts, his feelings. Something about Shizuo enshrouded him in a mystery, which was infuriating because there were _very_ few people who surpassed Shizuo in terms of being an open book when it came to emotions.

_Shinra was wrong._

_If I don't need a reason to love someone, then I don't need one to hate someone._

_Stupid Shinra._

_Stupid Shizu-chan._

Shizuo awoke that night, rolling over onto his other side. And when he opened his eyes, he was met with Izaya's very stern, angry glare, and he jerked, scowling and sitting up to glare back.

It was 3 a.m. and both too early and too late for that.

"The fuck's wrong with your face?"


	17. maybe i'll kill you first

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> izaya blinked and gave a smirk so cold it was a bit too reminiscent to shizuo of old izaya, making him want to punch his face in. their soup was getting cold and just that one look from izaya was enough to ease the threatening sentimentality in that conversation, had shizuo glowering and izaya feeling less desperate and terrified, even for just one moment.
> 
> “who knows? maybe i’ll kill you first.”

_**march 3, 5:13 p.m.** _

_"Do you really think you can kill Shizuo? Keep ice on your ankle."_

_"Killing Shizu-chan would be so boring," Izaya sighed, doing as Shinra said and wincing as he adjusted his black jacket, not wanting wrinkles. The red shirt he wore under was dirty, as it always was after a chase; Heiwajima Shizuo's existence was the prime reason that Izaya went through so many uniforms, most of their violent encounters his fault. "He needs to be alive for me to toy with him!"_

_Raising an eyebrow, Shinra stood to put away his medical supplies. His sleeves had been rolled up to his elbows and Izaya hated noted that Shinra was humming; it had just been a twisted ankle, but the fact that Shinra had the opportunity to poke and prod at him was satisfying, it seemed. "No, I mean, do you think you could?" he called over his shoulders while he opened a cabinet. "If it came down to it?"_

_Izaya was silent, stared straight ahead at the television, now that his view was no longer obscured._

_"Kill someone?" Shinra clarified, prompting him and closing the cabinet door._

_Frowning, Izaya's eyes flit to his ankle when he watched Shinra hovering by the coffee table it was propped on, giving an innocent enough seeming grin. He was fully aware that Shinra wanted an answer; once he was interested, he'd never let something go until he was satisfied. Izaya had a relatively high pain tolerance, but not enough that he'd be all right with Shinra pressing down on his ankle. Or, worse, sitting._

_He wasn't a very good friend._

_Izaya gave a sigh that had his shoulders dipping. "I think humans go beyond their own expectations all the time," he answered carefully, shrugging and rolling his head to look at Shinra with half lidded eyes._

_"Adrenaline. Fight or flight."_

_Izaya smirked, eyes flashing._

_"Kill or be killed."_

**june 13, 8:48 a.m.**

"…July."

Izaya paused, let the silence settle long enough for it to be heavy before breaking it again.

"We'll leave for Shimabara on July first. Okay?"

Shizuo had been attempting to learn how to carve a dog from a piece of wood when Izaya announced the news. Knife stopping just short of his thumb, Shizuo looked up with a slow blink. Izaya's hands rested in his pockets; his head tilted downwards a bit to be able to make eye contact with Shizuo and he held the gaze for a moment before turning away to head towards the kitchen. Following him with a slight stumble in his step as he got up, Shizuo set the hacked wood and pocket knife (it was Izaya's, actually) down on a nearby table. He took a second to recover from surprise before responding. "…Yeah. That's fine. Do we have enough food and water until then?"

Izaya nodded. "We should. We could have some to take with if we ration, or we could completely run out if we wanted to indulge a bit. Up to us."

"Okay. I think we should try to ration."

Izaya gave another nod but hesitated. He turned to Shizuo and Shizuo watched Izaya's eyes run over him. He was about to glare and snap at him, but caught sight of his neck and remembered when they were stained with bruises, so he allowed Izaya to look over him.

Twice.

"I'll ration. Shizu-chan looks awful. When was the last time you drank water?"

Shizuo palmed the back of his neck, hand rising just as slowly as his body had when he stood. "…I haven't been moving much. Trying to save water."

"You still need water," Izaya murmured, reaching for a glass and pouring it half full before handing it to him. "We don't want a repeat of that incident, do we? I may not be able to stop you this time and we both know Shizu-chan's not a murderer."

The water was finished in one gulp and Izaya noted Shizuo's quiet, satisfied sigh. He had half a mind to pour him more, but after looking at the remaining water supply, he decided that it would be better to save it. Shizuo seemed fine for now; a bit tired and sluggish, but he was more or less coherent. And he really hadn't been moving much; Shizuo spent most of his days on or near his mattress, picking up random little hobbies. Once, Izaya had watched him knit, but then they ran out of yarn. Then he watched Shizuo attempt to learn origami, which he got pretty good at, until they ran out of patterned paper. And now it was carving.

As long as he didn't slice a finger off, it was fine. Shizuo probably wouldn't even feel it, so Izaya had to keep an eye on his fingers.

"You aren't either."

Shizuo spoke quietly, so quietly that Izaya didn't know if he was meant to hear it. But the words had his stomach turning; Izaya's mind flashed to Shinra in the room that they'd more or less permanently closed the door to. His teeth bit down on his lip harshly; any longer and he would've drawn blood, but he released before the skin could break and lolled his head back. "How about we go on a run today? Go a bit further than we normally do? There should be some buildings on the outskirts of town that we haven't checked."

"Yeah. Sounds…"

As he straightened from leaning against the wall, Shizuo suddenly stopped talking and Izaya's eyes narrowed. While Shizuo reached a hand out to press against the wall to steady himself, Izaya immediately poured another glass of water, a full one this time. He strode over and handed it to him. Izaya pressed the rim of the glass to Shizuo's lips expectantly. It took another moment for Shizuo to seem to be able to regain his vision properly, but once he did, he took the glass and finished it in one gulp.

"Stay home," Izaya instructed firmly. "You're too weak."

"I want to help," Shizuo mumbled and Izaya shook his head.

"It's going to be a lot of walking and it's hot today. Stay home and rest. Eat some crackers. I'll try to bring back more water at least."

"I want to _help_ …"

"You'd be helping more by just resting. Lay down. Eat some crackers. Don't cut off your thumb. No more carving today."

"But my _cow_ …"

"I'll bring back more wood."

Waiting until he saw Shizuo sit down stiffly on the mattress, Izaya pushed himself off the counter. He grabbed the keys from the thumbtack on the wall and pocketed them. He slipped into his shoes and grabbed a few switchblades, teased them between his fingers before slipping them into his pockets, both front and back.

"Any special requests?" he called over his shoulder.

Shizuo grunted.

Managing to keep from murmuring something that could set Shizuo off if he heard, Izaya closed the door behind him, locking it just in case. Nearly skipping down the steps, Izaya wondered if there was any way he could fix the creaking. The apartment was still more or less in the same condition as they had found it, excluding the lack of water and electricity. Izaya had taken to checking if any of the other houses they went into still had either, but no luck. It seemed as if the entire city no longer had them, and so they'd have to leave and hope they had better luck elsewhere.

He took another step, heard a creak, and pouted.

_Or maybe I shouldn't. It would be good if there was a zombie smart enough to walk up stairs… serves as a natural alarm. Not that I expect them to have those kinds of brains… I mean, even Shizu-chan trips up them. And surely he's smarter than a zombie._

Izaya pulled a face.

_…I just complimented Shizu-chan._

_…Nn…_

Clearing his head of thoughts, Izaya turned to the right, instead of his normal left. He took care to skip the cracks in the sideway and look around. He and Shizuo had marked the doors of the buildings and houses they'd gone through. Some were with spray paint, others were with markers, a few with carvings. Some of them just had holes in them from Shizuo's fist. Those were the days they couldn't find anything to mark them with, so splintered wood had to do.

All the doors on the block were marked, as he expected. Throughout their stay here, they'd gone on multiple runs, having started with the closest homes. He assumed this would be the last one; there were probably a few places they hadn't gone, but Izaya doubted he'd find much, certainly not enough to last more than a few weeks.

There were many signs telling him that he and Shizuo should leave, and he took starvation and dehydration as the final one.

Summers in Kumamoto were hot and rainy. There was a lot of sweating involved, so showers were either trips to the woods or standing outside in the pouring rain. For a time, they used to collect rainwater in anything they could and boil it in order to make it safer to drink. But there seemed to be something of a dry spell lately; there hadn't been much rain, and their water supply continued to dwindle. However, the grass was still vibrant and green, Izaya noted with a slight smirk.

"How nice. The homeowners must be so proud that their lawn persists even though they're probably long gone. Congratulations, truly."

Izaya wasn't sure how long he walked, but he did consciously go ways that he and Shizuo normally didn't. He left marks to remind himself of his path, mostly in the form of knife marks on any surface he could scratch. Despite it being Shizuo who would greet him, Izaya did want to go home.

_Home_.

That tiny, stuffy apartment where Shinra died almost a whole year ago was _home_.

_Speaking of which… it was on June 23, right? April 23… June 23… terrible things seem to happen on the twenty third. It's almost the anniversary…_

Izaya pulled a face, ignored the sudden pang between his ribs that actually forced him to stop walking for a moment to take a slow breath.

_Anniversary has too positive a connotation._

Rounding a corner, Izaya blinked slowly at the sound of the metal fence next to him being shaken roughly, heart rate not once quickening. He turned his head, his hands still in his pockets, and gazed evenly at the zombie. Its fingers were curled over the lattices, pulling and pushing as its teeth tried to gnaw its way through to get to him. Sounding a contemplative hum, Izaya took a step closer until he could smell the rotting flesh, its fingers able to brush against his clothes but not grab him and pull him close. "You see," Izaya said quietly, "I could just _let_ you bite me. Gnaw a finger off, even. But it wouldn't matter because I'd recover. I'm immune. You can't kill me. I won't get a fever, I won't die, I wouldn't come back as one of you."

"I have to wonder about you as a human… who were you? What did you do? What did you regret? Where did you mess up? Did you ever cause someone to die? What were your regrets? Would you have jumped off a building if coaxed? Were you happy? Were you trying to be happy?"

Izaya tilted his head, eyes lighting up.

" _Could_ you have killed someone? I wonder… Maybe everyone has the capacity to kill. I mean, stabbing someone multiple times takes quite a bit of strength… but, as I've learned, a blade through the eye straight to the brain doesn't take too much strength. And if the victim is tied down… well, that's getting quite morbid. Sorry about that," he smiled pleasantly.

His smile remained for a while. Aside from the zombie and fence, everything else was quiet. He hadn't heard birds for a long time and the silence was both unnerving and settling. The zombie's grunts and the shaking of the fence were all he had except his own thoughts, and Izaya welcomed it.

Until he got tired of it.

Smile turning into his normal contemplative expression, he pulled his hand out of his pocket. With a crooked finger, he raised it slowly, edging it towards the zombie's mouth. But just before his nail was about to brush its teeth, Izaya pulled back, as if startled. "Ah. I do like having all my fingers. Never mind. Anyway, I should get going. So…"

In a single fluid motion, he pulled out his blade from his left hand and drove it easily into the zombie's head, pulling it out and watching it fold behind the fence. Lips turning downward a bit, Izaya bent down to wipe his weapon on the grass. Flipping it closed, he began walking again, pleased with how good he was getting with his non-dominant hand.

After pocketing the weapon, Izaya continued along his way, avoided cracks and whistled with a bounce in his step. He was back to humming until it ended with a curious 'oh?' upon finding a house with a clean, unbroken door. Blinking, he shrugged and headed over. His right hand grasped his knife tightly as the left hand opened the knob slowly. He opened it cautiously and poked his head in first. It looked well-kept but empty, and when he didn't hear anything for almost thirty seconds, he relaxed and stepped in, closing the door behind him. Out of courtesy, he wiped his feet on the rug by the door, heading upstairs first.

Kitchens were always last because they liked to think that the kitchen would have the most to take.

Turning into one of the bedrooms, Izaya was quick to note that they had a kid, probably a high schooler, based on the uniforms in the closet. Humming, he tilted his head as a hand reached out to examine the material.

"Quite similar to Raira's…"

Crouching down and rummaging through the mess at the bottom, Izaya found a simple black backpack and stood. He held it upside down and shook it a few times to make sure it was empty before slinging it over a shoulder, leaving after determining there was nothing else of use to him in teenager's room.

The house itself was nice. Despite being eerily empty, Izaya could see how, at some point, it had been a home. He saw pictures, furniture, doilies, tablecloths, paintings, toys, pillows, throws. Most of what he saw Izaya didn't have in his own apartment, meaning these were items meant to decorate and served no practical purpose.

And before he realized it, he was imagining Shizuo living there.

Shizuo getting up early, rubbing his eyes and cussing when he hit his toe on the foot of the bed.

Shizuo going to the bathroom, swearing again when he splashed much colder than anticipated water on his face.

Shizuo sleepily making tamagoyaki, only to burn it. But unable to find the motivation to make more and not liking to waste food, Shizuo eating it anyway.

Shizuo eating and reading the newspaper when his kid ran up and hugged his leg, wanting to play.

Shizuo's partner coming out to pry the child off of him, ask if he wanted them to make a better breakfast.

Shizuo being happy in his own quiet way.

Izaya blinked.

_...Strange._

Shizuo definitely struck Izaya as someone who wanted the normal, ideal family life with a white picket fence, a family pet, and children. Lazy Sundays and eight to five jobs. Quiet, surrounded by loved ones, _normal_. Not feared, isolated, and ostracized. Integrated into society, a normal, peaceful life.

Would Shizuo have been able to achieve that more easily if it hadn't been for Izaya's doing?

Maybe.

After going through all the bedrooms and only finding some unopened bars of soap, razors, and towels, Izaya headed downstairs and headed towards the kitchen, giving a slight smirk. "Sorry for ruining your shot at happiness, Shizu-chan, but when you consider this zombie apocalypse, everything I caused is _clearly_ quite forgivable… ah, maybe not clearly. Just possibly. Something worth giving a thought."

The kitchen had quite a bit more, Izaya was pleased to see. Aside from some rotting fruits, vegetables, and meats, he found some nonperishables and, more importantly, water. Everything was gathered and placed onto the counter. He found bags of chips, crackers, canned goods, jerky, bottles of water and a full, unopened case. After counting how much he had found, Izaya did a quick calculation of how many days left in June.

Nodding, he set two bottles of water and some food aside and devoured it. He ate so quickly he was surprised he didn't choke, washing everything down with water when it really felt like it might be too much. He finished everything in record time and was panting, palm on the counter to support himself as his chest heaved, his shoulders rising and falling. The empty feeling in his stomach he'd managed to ignore was finally satiated and Izaya turned, sliding down to sit with his back to the counter. He gave a satisfied sigh and draped an arm over his stomach.

"That was good. Never thought I'd say that about junk food… but that was good. Maybe we should go fishing… ah, wait, I've only ever read up on preparing fish for sushi… not sure if I'm immune to food poisoning. I miss tuna…"

Eyes half lidded, he took a few minutes to just stare at the ceiling, enjoying the silence. He was full and he was relaxed; he was two things he hardly had been in months. All he could hear from outside was the wind. He'd never quite liked or disliked the birds, just used them as a reminder to get some hours of sleep at times, but it was strange without them.

Maybe fifteen minutes had passed. Until now, Izaya hadn't ever spent fifteen minutes doing nothing; he'd find something else to amuse himself with if he had time between appointments or plans. Doing nothing felt like wasting time, unless doing nothing had a purpose. Namie would dryly comment on how she wished he'd just die from overworking himself, but he'd wave his hand, smile proudly at her.

_"If Shizu-chan can't kill me, something like this can't either!"_

_"Shizuo definitely could," she answered monotonously, pausing only to take a sip of her tea. After determining it was to her liking, she set it down and poured more into her mug. "You, on the other hand, can't."_

_"Is that a bet…?" Izaya asked delicately._

_"I'm not making a bet with you."_

_"Scared?"_

_She stared at him._

_"Dead men can't pay up."_

Giving a heavy sigh, Izaya waited twenty more seconds before pushing himself up. He put everything into the backpack, slinging it over both shoulders and picking up the case, right hand holding the knife pressed to the bottom of it as he walked out of the house. He was down the steps before remembering to go back, carve an X on the door. He lingered for just a moment, stared at the house that could've been something from Shizuo's dream and left.

By the time he got home, Shizuo was asleep, seeming to have decided to take another nap. Izaya stared at him for a moment before setting down some food and taking the rest into the kitchen, beginning to organize everything.

Hearing a grunt, Izaya turned to watch Shizuo roll over, eyes opening tiredly. His mouth moved and Izaya heard incoherent grumbling, perhaps meant to have been 'you're back' and Izaya smirked. "A present for you."

Shizuo stared sleepily before seeming to identify what was by his mattress and sitting up, immediately ripping over the packages and eating. After rolling two water bottles towards him, Izaya turned, taking the last two and preparing to leave them on the counter with the others.

But he hesitated for a moment, fixing his gaze on them. And after staring for a bit longer, he quickly strode over to his side of the room and hid the two water bottles in his things, taking advantage of Shizuo being distracted.

"Shizu-chan," he called over his shoulders. "I found more. I'll split it evenly between us and we'll ration for the next two weeks, all right? Best to leave some for the trip to Shimabara too."

"…You're not listening, are you?"

Just the sound of chewing.

**june 14, 10:14 p.m.**

Today was board game day and the board game they'd chosen, and the only one they had, was chess.

"So Shizu-chan's only ever had a crush on the milk lady?"

And Izaya had decided to throw some personal conversation into the mix.

"How the fuck did you know—"

"Just answer the question, Shizu-chan."

Regarding Izaya warily, Shizuo went back to setting up the chessboard. It had been Izaya's loss that time, but Shizuo always wound up having to put the pieces back in place. It was almost even: twenty wins for Shizuo, twenty four for Izaya. He was losing, but judging by Izaya's lack of snarky remarks, he was probably one of the few people who'd come close to matching him game for game.

"…Yeah. Black or white?"

"I was white so I'll be black this time. Haa... so she's Shizu-chan's type, huh?"

"I don't have a type," Shizuo answered easily, moving a pawn and seeing Izaya look up. "I like people for who they are."

A simple answer, as Izaya had expected, but it meant much more than just what it seemed. Izaya quirked an eyebrow; he breathed an 'is that so?' and moved his pawn before Shizuo could snap at him to hurry up. Playing chess had become the most common form of entertainment; Izaya brought a board back with him from his solo run and in the middle of teaching Shizuo, he'd lazily told him he already knew how to play.

Izaya really hadn't expected to play more than three games with Shizuo, but they were pretty evenly matched, despite his current lead. It kept Izaya thinking and strategizing. It was good for him.

"So theoretically, Shizu-chan could like _me_? Disgusting."

"You're not a person. You're just human."

"Aren't those the same?"

Shizuo moved another pawn.

"No."

Izaya hummed and tilted his head. He purposely dawdled; most of Izaya's moves were quick and decisive early on in the game, so he knew Shizuo was getting irritated at the way Izaya would lift a piece, set it down, move to another, change his mind, go to the first one, and repeat. When he finally decided to execute the move he'd already decided on more than a minute ago, he leaned back on his hands. "So has Shizu-chan done it with anyone?"

Shizuo was silent for the next three moves, so Izaya decided he knew his answer. "I see. Why not?"

"Haven't liked anyone since her."

"Or is it because you're afraid of what could happen if you get so wrapped up in pleasure and lose all sense of self-constraint?"

Izaya smirked as he watched the rook splinter between Shizuo's fingers and he murmured 'forget I asked' as he waved his hand. The board received a few dents on some of its squares in the following few moves, but they soon tapered off and Shizuo was back to regular movements.

Three games passed before Izaya started speaking again.

"Is Shizu-chan not going to ask about me?" he piped.

Shizuo grunted. "I already know what you'd say. Somethin' about loving all humans. You're always spoutin' that. But…"

Pausing to think about his next move, Izaya waited for Shizuo, intrigued at what he could say. Unlike Shizuo, Izaya didn't show his impatience. Shizuo wasn't quite the type to leave his thoughts half finished. If he started, he'd finish.

Shizuo sighed at last, pulling his hand back after setting down his knight.

"You don't seem like the kind of person who could love someone anyway."

Izaya's head tilted as he moved his bishop without looking.

"Why's that?"

"You're not honest enough. You're not strong enough. You're just… no."

"'You're just no'?" Izaya echoed, sounding slightly amused. "Insightful and _rude_."

"I mean," Shizuo shrugged, looking up finally. "Sure, you could love someone."

Izaya gave a cold smile.

"Just not in a healthy way."

Izaya pouted, but didn't argue.

**june 19, 1:42 a.m.**

Izaya was having a mood swing, so Shizuo decided he'd pick up crocheting.

"See, _Shizu-chan_ 's fine, just fine."

"…I'm in the exact same situation as you are, moron."

"No, you're not. And _that's_ exactly it!"

Izaya wasn't making much sense, but Shizuo was used to it.

Sighing and looking up, Shizuo raised a hand to pinch the bridge of his nose. He had attempted to go to sleep an hour ago, but Izaya's rambling had kept him up, especially because he'd talk to Shizuo and expect replies. After about forty minutes, Shizuo had given up on sleeping and sat up, blankets pooled around his waist.

"Shizu-chan's an _angel_ ," Izaya sneered, a wicked smirk twisting his lips. "An absolute _angel_. Shizu-chan can do all the wrong, but no one's going to blame him because _he's the victim_! After all, it's _my_ fault, isn't it?!"

Shizuo didn't know where Izaya came up with image of him being an angel because, as long as he'd known him, Izaya had always declared him to be a monster. It was probably some exaggeration or delusion he'd chosen; Izaya went through long periods of being close to normal and tolerable, but everything would build up to these nights and Shizuo would come close to wanting to snap his neck.

But he didn't.

_Partners._

It had become a mantra for him.

"I'm not an angel," Shizuo said tiredly, running a hand through his hair. "I'm human, just like you—"

" _Shut up_!"

Izaya throwing things didn't scare Shizuo. If he couldn't feel a gunshot to his stomach, he wasn't going to feel a book hitting him either. Clicking his tongue and looking away, Shizuo's bangs were pushed away from his forehead, the heel of his palm pressed there instead. His long fingers were curled, tickled by his hair, legs grossed and other elbow resting on his knee. Izaya had stopped talking, but Shizuo could feel him glaring.

A nuisance.

Closing his eyes, he gave a heavy sigh that sagged his shoulders and stole all his breath away.

"…I've put a man in the hospital."

"So have I, Shizu-chan," Izaya drawled. "You, actually."

"No," Shizuo said quietly, voice tightening as he closed his eyes and swallowed thickly. "…In a coma. And it was my fault."

Izaya hesitated and lessened his glare, gaze turning more inquisitive than anything. He didn't say anything for several minutes and let them elapse silently.

"…I was a kid," Shizuo continued softly. "It was pretty soon after the time I tried to throw a refrigerator at Kasuka. I'd just been released from the hospital and… I saw these older kids kicking around this dog. So I tried yellin' at them to stop, but they wouldn't… so before I realized what I was doing, I picked up a vending machine and threw it at them. Except they ducked. But then this guy… probably walking home from work, mid thirties, was walking by and…"

Izaya had been hit by a trashcan before, but never a vending machine. Nothing quite that big and sturdy (the trash can obviously _hurt_ but Izaya could stand with no broken bones, just some bruising.) Stealing a glance, he could see Shizuo's knit brow and his body trembling for just a moment.

"I never got in trouble for it," Shizuo muttered. "…So no one knows what happened. They think maybe it fell. No one was going to believe that a little kid threw it and those kids who were there were too scared to say anything. I… used to visit him sometimes. Bring flowers. …Read him the newspaper. I don't know where he is now, though. Checked the hospital the day I found you, but it was gone. So I guess…"

Breaking off, Shizuo gave a strangled sigh, head bowing and shaking. Izaya didn't know why he confided that to him; that was something he'd never learned about Shizuo, despite his extensive research, meaning it was probably something he'd never told anyone.

Until now.

"…The point is, I'm not perfect. Or innocent. And if I die, then I will deserve it. So… of all the shit you spout, stop sayin' I'm an angel."

Shizuo stopped talking after that and laid down, leaving Izaya to stand alone in a dark room, moon hiding behind the clouds that night. He eventually sat down on his mattress and laid, but had no intentions of sleeping. Instead, he just folded his hands behind his head and stared out the window, troubled by a new thought:

_…Does Shizu-chan trust me?_

**june 23, 8:14 p.m.**

"Shinra died today."

They'd gone to sleep around two in the morning, woken back up at six, and Shizuo had taken great care to not voice what they were both thinking for the next fourteen hours and fourteen minutes. Izaya had announced it quietly without making eye contact. They were in Shinra's room, Izaya finally stepping in after a whole year. The window was open (the apartment was stuffier, but this room was even worse) and they were cleaning it out, at Izaya's suggestion. Shizuo had taken care of the mattress so Izaya didn't have to look at the faint blood stains, and he'd come back to Izaya folding the clothes and sorting through his things, deciding what they should keep and what they didn't need.

"Celty's PDA."

"…Guess we can toss it."

Izaya nodded and slid it towards Shizuo with his back still to him.

"A keepsake."

Staring at it for a moment before he bent down to pick it up, Shizuo ran his thumb over the bumps of the keyboard, the smoothness of the screen. For almost the entire time he'd known her, Celty had communicated with him using this. Thousands of words and conversations conducted on this one simple device, long ago having run out of battery. Eventually Shizuo had started learning what she meant just by the way the smoke would curl from her neck or how her body reacted, but he was nowhere near as familiar with those sorts of gestures as Shinra was.

Still, though, she'd told him he was the second best at reading her.

Shizuo's expression darkened for a moment when he thought back to the night she left. He'd been happy for her in a heartbroken way. The short time he had with her meant more to him than he could describe to anyone; she was his _friend_ and having her around him was comforting. He had wanted her to stay after Shinra's death, but he knew that was selfish.

_Hope she's doing well._

Garbage bag in the other hand, Shizuo pocketed the PDA and instead bent down next to Izaya, tossing away torn, dirtied clothes and random maps and trinkets Shinra and Celty had brought with them. Shinra's clean and unused medical supplies were set to the side, as well as the backpack and pens and notebooks. The two were quiet as they sorted through the remnants of Shinra and Celty's earthly existences, finishing quickly.

Dinner was quiet. Beef jerky and a soup with some of the last vegetables Shizuo's little garden had managed to grow, one of their healthier and more filling meals. They'd decided to treat themselves a little.

For Shinra's sake.

"Hey, Izaya?" Shizuo asked after his second bowl of soup.

Izaya was still on his first when he answered.

"Yes, Shizu-chan?"

"…You think we'll survive?"

"Here?" Izaya asked, turning to look with a slight frown. "There are no zombies."

Shizuo shook his head. "In general. Just… I know you don't like thinking about it. I don't either. But what happens… in the end? Do we just… wait and die?"

Tilting his head slowly, Izaya's brow furrowed a bit more, an action he seldom allowed to show to others. His fingers curled and his shoulders rounded for a bit before he relaxed. Humming quietly as he shifted his position to stall for more time, Izaya waited as long as he could before answering.

There it was again, thinking about an uncertain future that Izaya hated. But they were leaving in a week and once they reached Shimabara, they would have to think of something else. Have another plan, because just waiting to rot and die was _not_ how Orihara Izaya wanted to end.

He didn't want to end at all, but he inevitably would.

It sent chills down his spine and terrified him that he could do absolutely nothing.

"I suppose so," he said finally, taking another sip of his soup, trying to guide a carrot towards his mouth.

"…So that's it?" Shizuo asked and Izaya tried to ignore the disappointment (what did he honestly expect?) in his voice. "We're going to die together?"

Izaya blinked and gave a smirk so cold it was a bit too reminiscent to Shizuo of _old_ Izaya, making him want to punch his face in. Their soup was getting cold and just that one look from Izaya was enough to ease the threatening sentimentality in that conversation, had Shizuo glowering and Izaya feeling less desperate and terrified, even for just one moment.

"Who knows? Maybe I'll kill you first."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> do you feel happy? or at the very least not entirely, incredibly sad? okay, then, remember this feeling.


	18. call for help

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> maybe…
> 
> maybe a dream?
> 
> could this be…
> 
> could it?
> 
> eyes opening again, izaya straightened and opened his mouth.
> 
> call for help.
> 
> and the moment he heard his own voice cry out, he collapsed on the ground, dull pain in his knees masked by the emotional turbulence that threatened to rip open his chest.
> 
> because it wasn't a dream.

_**chapter eighteen** _ _: call for help_

_**march 24, 2:37 a.m.** _

" _Nightmare, Namie-san?"_

_Already having stolen a glance when Namie jolted awake, Izaya didn't feel the need to look at her again. Yagiri Namie had fallen asleep after going multiple days of very little sleep, both for her own protection and because of Izaya's workload. She had finally collapsed while cooking dinner for the two of them. Izaya had clicked his tongue and stood over her body for a minute, deciding the least he could do was carry her over to the couch. After all, it had been his fault._

_And she'd be disgusted to know he had carried her. It was an added bonus._

_Gently laying her down along the length of the couch, Izaya had a sudden flashback to when he'd used to take care of his sisters like this when he was a teenager. He hummed softly as he draped a blanket over her shoulders, immediately felt a sense of déjà vu as he recalled executing the exact same action, just with a different blanket and over two much smaller bodies._

_Shaking off the feeling, Izaya headed back to work. A bit more than an hour had passed when she woke again. Izaya had noticed her body moving during that time; judging by the shallow breathing and the way her fingers scratched against the leather of his couch, he decided it was definitely a nightmare when she woke violently, sitting up and panting._

" _You didn't let dinner burn, did you?"_

" _Your portion is on the couch," Izaya answered easily. His fingers stilled as he watched her stand, taking only a moment to steady herself. His generously offered blanket had been tossed aside carelessly and her steps were slow and cautious. Izaya leaned back in his chair and smirked. "You know, Namie-san, a way to wake yourself up from a bad dream is to call out for help. You'll know you're asleep if you try to yell but only a whisper comes out."_

_Namie ignored him as she made herself a bowl of rice with some of the stew she had been preparing, bringing it back to the couch. The blanket was wrapped around her shoulders and she turned on the television, still continuing to ignore Izaya's existence._

_Undeterred, he smirked._

" _Aren't you glad it was just a dream? Makes you realize how much worse your life could be, right?"_

**june 23, 10:18 p.m.**

"Does Shizu-chan want to die?"

Watching Shizuo's expression, Izaya lifted the gun and tapped the barrel against the other's temple. He looked curious enough; Izaya had the same look on his face as when something unexpected but interesting happened. It hadn't been to plan and it was the moment before he delighted in it and broke into a smirk.

"Wouldn't that be so much easier?" he murmured, finger around the trigger and face finally relaxing into his signature devious smirk. "If Shizu-chan died, he'd stop struggling so hard to survive! No more missing your brother, no more thinking about those who are already gone. No more wondering about tomorrow and, best of all, no more dealing with _me_ , isn't that right? Hey, tell me, Shizu-chan, why aren't you dead yet? Are you scared?"

No response, so he tapped the gun to Shizuo's forehead instead. Still receiving no answer, Izaya huffed in a childlike manner as he moved from sitting next to him to in front; that way, he was able to press the muzzle squarely between Shizuo's eyes, tilt his head as he continued his one-sided gaze.

"It'll only hurt for a moment, you know. Maybe even less. Actually, judging by what people say, you won't even feel it. Don't you trust my aim, Shizu-chan? What's the point in continuing to live like this and not know what's going to happen? If I just pulled _right now_ … it could all be over for you. You get to rest, Shizu-chan. You get to be with your little brother in the afterworld. What could be better than that?"

"Oi, quit messin' around."

Shizuo's hand came up and batted Izaya's away, his annoyance causing his hit to be a bit stronger than he probably intended. The gun skittered across the floor when it was knocked from Izaya's hand and he just stared at it. "Tell me. Why wasn't Shizu-chan afraid? You know the safety wasn't on, right?"

"Because you wouldn't kill me unless you absolutely had to," Shizuo answered tiredly, pinching the bridge of his nose.

Izaya stared at him for several moments in silence, finally opening his mouth and asking:

"So Shizu-chan _does_ trust me."

Because Izaya had just held a fully loaded gun to the forehead of his enemy, someone he'd been trying to kill for years. Because Shizuo just had a gun pressed to his forehead by someone whom he'd _seen_ shoot others through the head without wavering. Because Izaya had just held Shizuo's life in his hands and Shizuo didn't even flinch.

Izaya's lips twisted into a strange sort of smile.

"It's kind of scary how much people trust me."

_**august 9, 6:34 p.m.** _

" _I—ZA—YA-!"_

_Struggling against the metal that pinned him against the cage, Shizuo was too angry to wonder if this was the sort of thing they used with rabid, uncontrollable animals. The officers looked terrified with multiple of them yelling, several of the police restraint sticks use. Chains were wrapped around his limbs in another attempt to hold him back, but Shizuo's anger driven adrenaline had them continuing to call for backup. Shizuo roared Izaya's name again; he'd lost his glasses at some point in the chase and his clothes were littered with cuts and dirt. The clothes Kasuka gave him were dirty again; once that thought would fully register, he'd be angry enough to shove all the restraints off and throw a car at Izaya._

_He saw Izaya straighten from behind a police car, all the officers too busy trying to make sure Shizuo didn't break free. A smirk formed before he lowered his hand from his face, a sort of knowing twist of his lips as he just watched over his shoulder. "Heiwajima Shizuo, stop resisting!" an officer's voice blared with the megaphone. "We can end this peacefully! Stop fighting us!"_

" _I didn't fuckin' do it!" he roared, shoulder blades lifting from the fence again. "That goddamn louse did, he's_ right there _!"_

" _Heiwajima-san, please, calm down! This doesn't have to be-!"_

" _YOU'RE ARRESTING THE WRONG PERSON!"_

" _H-Heiwajima-san! Th-this is an order to calm-!"_

" _I'M NOT FUCKIN' CALMING DOWN!"_

_He had just started a new job. Kasuka found him a position at a bar and he was excited for the opportunity, intending on trying his best and keeping his temper in check. It had been a new start that he knew he may or may not have deserved, and he didn't want to let Kasuka down again. Kasuka stopped by a few days ago with several uniforms, commenting that Shizuo would need them. Shizuo had given a small laugh, mumbled 'I'll put all these to good use' with a smile._

_But not even a week after he started, Izaya had framed him for something and this certainly wouldn't look good to his employer. Shizuo had been doing acceptable work, nothing amazing, but maybe slightly above average._

_Just not enough above average to make up for the bad publicity this situation was causing._

_Orihara Izaya was a leech, a parasite who stirred things up when they were too dull for his liking. He was selfish and he was manipulative. Worst of all, he was cowardly; he hardly ever partook in conflict, just started it and then hid. He started things and stood to the side to watch them unravel, have everyone experience the consequences of his doing._

_Shizuo hated it._

_Trying again to struggle against the multiple types of restraints on him, Shizuo was annoyed that he couldn't break free. Had it been just one, it would've been easy, but at least six or seven were being used on him. Izaya had lingered for only a moment before turning and running off, ignoring Shizuo yelling his name after him again. Blood threatened to drip from his palm as Shizuo's roars were cut off only by the air being knocked out of his lungs with every shove to the rattling fences._

_Shizuo didn't know what his problem was. He thought he'd escaped him at the end of high school by graduating, but even as adults, Izaya went out of his way to piss Shizuo off. He didn't understand why Izaya was so fixated on him; they had the opportunity to be done with each other. He didn't purposely seek Izaya out, but Izaya did. He pissed him off and taunted him, resulting in chases like these that always wound up in Izaya's favor._

_Shizuo was going to kill him one day._

" _I—ZA—YA-!"_

**june 24, 9:29 a.m.**

From the moment he'd met him, Shizuo had hated Izaya.

He had a bad feeling. Just looking at him, and hearing the name Orihara Izaya being passed down in what seemed like urban legends, Shizuo sensed that he was a bad guy. He caused trouble and then ran away, making him both an ass and a coward, combined into one very unfortunate human being in Shizuo's life.

He remembered two eras of his life: the horrendously lonely and ostracized childhood followed by Izaya's presence in his life. Shizuo had always been an outsider and hated it, so when he met Izaya, who seemed intent on exposing every _monstrous_ part of Shizuo, all he could do was feebly want to disappear, but not allow himself to, because Izaya couldn't just get away with all that.

In a way, Izaya _could_ be seen as something akin to a reason to keep persevering for Shizuo.

The trust that Shizuo had started forming for Izaya wasn't genuine. It wasn't the same trust he had in Kadota and Celty. It didn't come out of a good relationship and the kindness of his heart. It came out of desperation and urgency. While Izaya's actions and loyalty had a part in it, the overwhelming majority of Shizuo's _trust_ stemmed from the fact that Izaya was all he had left, as awful as that was.

As awful as he was.

As awful as _Shizuo_ was.

Because when Izaya had tapped that gun against his temple, when he'd pressed the muzzle against his forehead, a part of Shizuo had been relieved. He wasn't scared because he knew Izaya, despite having killed others, wouldn't kill Shizuo without reason, but being calm and relieved were two entirely different things. As much as he hated listening to Izaya talk, there was a certain truth in his words.

But Shizuo wanted to stay alive. He didn't want to give up and die, not after Kasuka's note had told him to keep living. He couldn't stand to know that he didn't do everything he could to honor his little brother's last request. It was the easy way out, but it wasn't the fair way out.

He was still alive when so many others weren't, and he had absolutely no right to waste that.

Turning another unread page in his book, Shizuo continued to stare blankly at the words. They'd gone to sleep after that, gun still on the floor between them. Shizuo couldn't believe that he'd come to the point where he'd be able to fall asleep after Izaya had pointed a gun at him and that same weapon was still within an arm's reach for him.

Izaya could very easily kill him, but Shizuo knew he wouldn't.

Not without reason.

Because as much as he hated it, he and Izaya had one similarity:

"You know, Shizu-chan, it's pathetic how desperate you are to not be alone."

Shizuo looked up tiredly to see Izaya passing by holding a bottle of water. He left him with a smirk after walking back to his mattress, giving a sigh and sitting back down. Their rations were low again; there wasn't much water left and that, combined with the intense heat, had Shizuo's throat so parched that swallowing hurt. He tried to space out the little he did have left and just hoped they'd be able to get to Shimabara all right, that they'd find more there.

_I have to do everything I can to not die._

Eyes lowered to his book again, for a moment Shizuo thought it was decayed flesh and stringy hair. He could feel the cold, grimy skin against his palms and he flinched; Izaya hardly blinked when a book went flying by his head, hitting the wall so hard it left a dent. Instead, he just hummed and looked up with an arched eyebrow.

"Shizu-chan, you already look awful. Don't make it worse, yeah? We still have the drive to Shimabara…"

"Sh… shut up."

Still feeling lightheaded from the surprise, Shizuo noticed his arms were shaking and barely able to support himself as he laid down, back to Izaya. His heart was still pounding wildly in his chest; all his encounters with zombies had left a permanent image of them in his mind. Despite not having killed one with his bare hands in a while, Shizuo still remembered the feeling. Sometimes he'd feel their jaws move beneath his palm right before he smashed their heads into bricks and cement. Blood would ooze from the wounds and between his fingers, the slimy, smooth feeling of entrails and insides something that could still wake him in the middle of the night.

He always called them monsters, but, Shizuo wondered, did he have a right to call them that as if he wasn't one of them? He killed them with his bare hands; it was sheer force and brute strength, similar to how the zombies ripped and grabbed at fresh human flesh.

Except it was worse because Shizuo was _stronger_. He was stronger than all of them combined; it was a testament to his strength and it was terrifying.

Is someone who's stronger always a hero or are they a monster too?

_I'm a monster…_

_I was protecting, though. I was… protecting, I…_

_I'm…_

"…I'm no better than they are…"

"Shizu-chan's not one of them."

Shizuo hadn't realized his thoughts were voiced out loud until Izaya's response. Feeling less dizzy, he trusted himself to push himself up on an elbow and look over his shoulder. Izaya was sitting against the wall with a new book he'd picked up during one of his earlier runs and nonchalantly turned a page.

"Shizu-chan's not out there, is he? He's in here," he answered simply.

He turned another page before looking up, smirking again but in a fatigued, exasperated, almost grateful seeming sort of way.

"Shizu-chan's not a monster."

_**september 23, 5:14 p.m.** _

"… _I see."_

_Namie had come back from a brief convenience store trip that Izaya sent her on. He wasn't one to care what his secretary did in her own free time as long as his requests were met, but he did notice that she was holding an extra carton of milk. Red eyes followed her as she was putting away what she bought, eventually giving in and prompting the conversation._

_He started off with a lazy sigh._

" _I don't recall asking you for low fat milk…"_

" _It's not for you," she answered plainly._

" _Oh?" Izaya asked. "As I recall, you don't purchase that brand, do you?"_

" _Shizuo gave it to me."_

_Izaya was surprised and with Namie's back towards him, he let the expression settle for a moment, knowing full well that she'd pick up on that extra beat of silence. Disgust instantly permeated his mind at the name, but he recovered quickly. Pushing himself back from the desk and standing, Izaya took his time strolling over to where she was busied. She'd also stopped by the grocery store to replenish his refrigerator with produce so the two could have dinner that night, taking her time in sorting everything, organizing it carefully._

_Izaya looked at the milk. It had been just a carton, but now that he knew it was Shizuo's, it looked abhorrent._

" _Shizu-chan, ah…? I wasn't aware you and he spoke. You're always full of surprises, Namie-san…" he commented lightly._

_Namie scoffed. "I bumped into him and he looked upset that he'd accidentally bought a low fat carton so he gave it to me."_

_It would've been a cute image if just the mention of Shizuo's name didn't make Izaya nauseous._

_Tearing his eyes away, Izaya rested his hands in his pockets and began heading back to his desk. "So Shizu-chan is just handing out milk now?"_

" _To people he doesn't want dead, probably."_

_His back was to Namie, but even so, Izaya kept the slight flicker in his expression to a minimum. Shizuo had an annoying habit of_ befriending _people who weren't meant to be his_ friend. _It irked him because this was Shizuo. This was Heiwajima Shizuo, a monster. A monster._

_And yet, people liked him._

_People liked Shizuo. People befriended him, people trusted him. People were loyal to him._

_People flocked to him._

_Izaya's brow knit but he relaxed them clearly and pushed his train of thought out of his mind, turned around and gave Namie a cold smile. "How about hot pot tonight?"_

_She looked at him tiredly, already knowing what he was going to say. "I didn't buy any meat."_

_His smile wasn't phased at all._

" _Well then, you should go back out, shouldn't you?"_

**june 24, 6:43 p.m.**

" _Did you know, Namie-san? Surely you do. You exercise it everyday."_

" _What are you talking about now?"_

" _Survival is one of the most primal of human instincts."_

Cockroaches can live up to a week without a head, but it wasn't as if Izaya planned on losing that part of his body anytime soon.

Survival instinct was primal. It was why people ducked and avoided. It was why there were adrenaline rushes. People wanted to survive, even at their darkest, and it just so happened Izaya had more of that than most people. But unlike most people, he didn't trust anyone else. Teamwork helped, hence why he was with Shizuo, but being with someone didn't always have to equate to trusting them. Izaya didn't trust anyone and while that could be a strength, it was, in the end, a weakness.

What Izaya was doing, with this domestic setting and this supposed partnership and tolerance, was surviving. He didn't want to die, _especially_ not if Shizuo was still alive. He couldn't bear that thought; it had been a silent, one-sided sort of competition about who would stay alive. Because whatever Shizuo understood "partners" to be, Izaya had a different definition.

It wasn't as if he and Shizuo would be together like this forever. Izaya didn't have the specifics planned out, but he knew that at _some point_ they'd separate.

" _Why?"_

" _Well… because Shizu-chan is Shizu-chan," Izaya answered carefully, "and I'm who I am. You don't honestly think we'll be like this forever?"_

_Frowning, Shizuo pushed himself up, elbows supporting his weight. It was a cool night, so his sheets were still entirely over his body. Izaya had laid on his mattress and started reminiscing, spoke only when he thought Shizuo was about to fall asleep, knowing it would be annoying._

" _Uh… have you… seen the state of the world?"_

" _I know," Izaya answered easily. "But eventually…"_

" _Do you think the world's going to fix itself? What, like we're actually going to save it?" Shizuo snapped tiredly, pushing his bangs away from his forehead for a moment. "I don't like this, okay? I don't like havin' to be with you like this, like we're... we're…"_

" _Tolerable."_

" _Yeah. But we can't be alone, you know? Not right now. Not in this situation. I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow, but…"_

_Shizuo sighed, laying back down with the heel of his palm still to his forehead._

"… _It's never going to be the way it was. And it's better to be stuck with you than be alone. Because everyone could use someone to watch their back."_

_Izaya was silent. His fingers curled around the bunched fabric of his covers as he laid back down, folding his hands behind his head. "..So… Shizu-chan wouldn't leave me if he found another partner?"_

" _No," he mumbled, already sounding like he was on the brink of sleep again. "I'm not goin' to desert you."_

" _If I was trapped in a zombie pit?"_

" _I'd try to pull you out."_

" _If I was bit… ah, never mind. If I was injured and couldn't run?"_

" _I'd carry you."_

" _If I kissed you?"_

" _I'd rip your head off and carry the two pieces."_

"… _Romantic."_

Everything had been to survive, including tolerating Shizuo. In an effort to keep from turning into what he considered a monster, he'd done things that he never wanted to do and what he never thought he would. He'd never explicitly thought of it as preserving his own humanity, but when the thought crossed his mind, he realized something else:

Shizuo was the monster, but in this situation, he'd clearly be seen as the one who held onto more of his humanity.

"Oi. Here's dinner."

A very short and light run earlier that day had blessed them with barely enough food to constitute a dinner. He didn't know about Shizuo, with his strength and all, but Izaya worried about his physical state. He'd tried to maintain his stamina by exercising when he could, but with starvation and dehydration constant looming threats, he had to make the choice between pushing himself over the limit and staying safe.

Taking his portion with shaking hands, Izaya ate slowly. The sun was setting and it was silent, as it always was. Izaya wished he heard birds; that would be something he and Shizuo could kill and eat.

He entertainedthe thought of living in the forest a couple of times but decided against it. A solid building like this was much more comforting to live in, especially since they'd have to worry about both animals and zombies killing them otherwise. After days of eating junk food and snacks, the actually cooked meal was a relief and by the time Izaya finished, he felt infinitely better, looking over to Shizuo with a smirk. "Your cooking's improved."

"Shut up. It's always been better than yours."

"That's not much of an achievement…"

Shizuo glared at him tiredly. His plate was clean already by the time Izaya set his down and he'd taken to watching the sky, setting sun casting a myriad of colors. It was beautiful as always; the sun setting and rising seemed to be the one constant that would never change and Shizuo found comfort in that. Because he could die tomorrow, because Izaya could die tomorrow, but the sun would continue to rise and set, indicating the beginnings and endings of days.

At least the world would go on, even if humanity ended.

"…This is the end, isn't it?"

Izaya turned to him. For a moment, Shizuo swore he saw a flicker. For the past few months, he'd be willing to bet that he actually saw genuine emotion from Izaya, that Orihara Izaya had let slip a bit of what he was _truly_ thinking and _truly_ feeling. Shizuo had always been told he was a good judge of character; he followed his gut feeling, and his gut feeling hardly ever led him astray.

His gut feeling was that he could _possibly_ actually trust Izaya in these moments.

But just like that, the flicker was gone and Izaya was smirking. His demeanor had changed entirely, leaving Shizuo with a slight frown as he stared at him.

"Whatever are you talking about, Shizu-chan? The end? This? Us? _Now?_ "

He shook his head and looked out the window again.

"Ridiculous… I'm going to survive."

**june 26, 4:13 p.m.**

"So how do we get to Shimabara?"

Shizuo was consulting a map, eyes narrowed as he scratched the back of his head. He gave a frustrated growl and straightened to finish the rest of his whiskey, wincing at the taste. Izaya sat next to him; one hand cupped his elbow while the other cradled the glass, frowning as his eyes skimmed the routes they could take.

Drinking and driving was a bad idea, but drinking and planning, Izaya explained, could lead to some creative results.

"Mm… we could drive, though that would take a while…"

"We've still got gas, right?"

"A bit. Certainly not enough to last us all the way…"

"Didn't you say… stuff 'bout cars along the way?"

"Ah, but leaving things like that up to pure luck may not be safe…"

Shizuo was _clearly_ drunk, Izaya thought when he looked up. The man was swaying; they had decided to finish the rest of the bottle of whiskey, split it evenly between them. Izaya knew to pace himself, take small sips, but Shizuo, apparently, didn't. It wasn't the smartest idea, given that they didn't have much water left (just two bottles each), but they were grown men.

Izaya still had his two bottles, hid them away with his things. He could give one to Shizuo to make it fair, but this was survival of the fittest. If he _really_ needed to, he supposed, he could give one to him. But until then, Izaya didn't want to risk giving valuable and scarce resources to someone who didn't seem to understand the concept of rationing.

It was really all for Shizuo's own good that Izaya was a selfish bastard.

"Boat?" Shizuo frowned.

Izaya gave a dry laugh.

"Can Shizu-chan operate one?"

"'zaya," Shizuo slurred suddenly, looking up with such intensity that Izaya decided to humor him. "…I think even _you_ have a li'l bit of wantin' to save th'world…"

"…Excuse me?"

"I think… that… think… world…"

"All right, Shizu-chan, take a moment and prepare your monologue, all right?"

Waving Shizuo away from the table, Izaya set his glass down next to Shizuo's empty one. He watched him stumble over to his mattress before gracefully falling down with a loud thud; had there been anyone living under them, it would've been an invitation for yelling. But all that was downstairs was the convenience store where Izaya sawed off Shinra's arm, where Shizuo held him down, where the blood could still be seen between the tiles.

It was time to leave.

Izaya didn't know how. He had a map and he had a vehicle and he had a Shizuo, but he had no definite _plan_ as to how to get there. And, the most chilling thing of all, was that he was still ready to go once June ended. He could plan all he wanted, but his plans had a tendency to fall through. And as long as there was Shizuo, Izaya certainly wouldn't die easily.

The past year had been difficult. Izaya had gone through endless cycles of determination, hopelessness, misery, fanaticism, annoyance, desperation, and then determination again. Shizuo had dealt with all of them; at first he'd try to calm Izaya down, but by the third cycle, he realized there was no point. He'd let Izaya ramble on and on until his throat hurt and even he had nothing left to say, wait until Izaya was back at being relatively stable.

But the one thing that was constant throughout all those mood swings was a single thought:

_I'm going to survive._

There was never a doubt about that. Izaya didn't have a "what if" scenario for his death, both because it wouldn't matter if he was dead and because it wasn't as if he _cared_ about Shizuo.

(But he did expect Shizuo to continue fighting, even alone, because of his personality.)

He didn't know if Shizuo would be all right, but he'd try.

Izaya would be all right _and_ try.

_I'm going to survive._

_I'm not going to die. Not here and not now; most certainly not before Shizu-chan. I'm not going to die… I'm not going to die. I'm going to do everything I can do survive. It's survival of the fittest. It's as it's always been. I've stayed alive up to this point, surely I can continue to do so._

Izaya took a shaky breath, rested his palms on the table. His knuckles ached a bit with the added weight as a dip between his shoulder blades formed, moving with every slow exhale.

_I'm going to survive._

Straightening as if his composure hadn't been threatened, Izaya headed over to sit by Shizuo. He wordlessly took one of Shizuo's water bottles and poured about half a glass, made sure to cap the bottle and keep it out of his line of sight, opting to hand him the glass instead.

"We're gonna save the world…" Shizuo mumbled childishly as he took the glass and took a sip with surprising self control.

Heiwajima Shizuo was too idealistic for this world. Izaya believed that they would survive; that was realistic. But Shizuo believed they were going to save the entire world and that was ridiculous. Izaya didn't know Shizuo even had an intention; maybe the alcohol had deluded him, led him to think that just because he the superhuman strength that he could become Superman himself.

"We're gonna save the _fuckin'_ world… You 'nd me. Just the two 'f us… There's nothin' we can't do if we're together, you know? _You know?_ "

Izaya hummed.

"We're gonna save the world," Shizuo drawled, fisted hand hitting the floor. "We're gonna save the world, we're gonna save the world, we're gonna… save the _world_ …"

"You think you're a hero, Shizu-chan?"

"No…" Shizuo mumbled, slouching as if sad. "…But I want to help you the way you helped me…"

Izaya hadn't expected that. He froze for a moment and examined Shizuo's expression carefully. Whatever he had meant, it was probably the same for Izaya. The fact that Izaya watched his back during this entire time and made it possible for him to occasionally relax and rest? Shizuo did the same for him. Or the fact that he offered company to escape imminent, awful, all-consuming loneliness? Shizuo did the same for him.

It was disgusting, but Shizuo did help him and Izaya could never forgive himself for that.

"Oi… 'zaya…"

Izaya hummed again, discarded his previous worrisome thoughts. Whatever he felt for Shizuo know, whether or not it differed from how he felt before, wasn't relevant. Namie had a habit of mocking him, teased him that love and hate were both _passion_ , that Izaya was just simply _passionate_ about Shizuo.

Swaying a bit, Shizuo managed to focus on Izaya.

"…I'm glad I could understand you a bit…"

Eyebrow raising, Izaya turned to look at him. Drunk Shizuo was honest Shizuo, but honest Shizuo could be confusing and unsettling. "…Ah? What drunken ramblings are Shizu-chan murmuring now? Going from hero agenda to this?"

"I'm glad I could understand you a bit…" he mumbled, still swaying slowly, seeming as if he was enjoying himself. "I still don't accept you and the… shit you do. But… y'know… sometimes you're not as shitty as I think you are. Because… you're human."

Izaya's eyes narrowed and he looked away.

"You're scared… and you're really just like everyone else—"

"Shizu-chan," Izaya murmured, cutting him off. "You're drunk. Go to sleep."

Shizuo gave a grumble. Izaya heard the sound of his body thudding to the mattress a moment later and smirked, giving a slow sigh. Shizuo began mumbling 'we're gonna save the world' under his breath again, a steady sort of chant. Izaya gave a sigh and stood up to go to his map again. Even though he'd accepted he had no definite plan, the least he could do was find a good path.

"We're gonna save the world."

_I'm going to survive._

"We're gonna save the world."

_I'm going to survive._

"We're gonna save the world."

_I'm going to survive._

Izaya's eyes were half lidded and he nodded.

"Together, there's nothing you and I can't do..."

… _I feel the same way, Shizu-chan._

**june 27, 4:13 p.m.**

"Hey, do you find me annoying?"

"Are you fuckin' _kidding me_?"

Izaya gave a quiet laugh as he shook his head, mumbling 'Shizu-chan's the same as always.'

Heiwajima Shizuo and Orihara Izaya were enjoying a very civilized game of Go Fish. There was very little to do and both too fatigued to go out and try to find something to eat, they decided they could last the next twenty four hours without anything. Izaya had one bottle left, not counting the two he'd hidden, and told Shizuo he was welcome to half of it. Shizuo shook his head, answering 'it's yours.'

"It won't do me any good if you're dead."

"I won't die."

Putting down another card, Izaya flashed Shizuo a smirk. "Shizu-chan's been quite tolerant of me… I must say, you've surpassed my expectations as always."

"I don't give a shit about surpassin' your stupid expectations," Shizuo mumbled. "Can't kill you. Have to deal with you."

"I'm surprised you managed to restrain yourself after Kasuka."

Shizuo's hand froze.

"…I am too."

"Was it because Namie-san was there?"

"…Probably."

"This is a sensitive topic, isn't it?"

"Go fish, you sack of shit."

Offering another smirk, Izaya purposely took his time in drawing. Despite how quickly everything had changed over the last year, it was still stunning to him that he and Shizuo could now play a childish card game and be fine with it. Just a few months ago, something like this would still be tense. But whenever he cast a glance to Shizuo, he looked entirely relaxed.

_Maybe the rest of my life with him wouldn't be the worst thing._

Izaya blinked and frowned, but shook his head when Shizuo asked what was wrong.

_That's an unfortunate thought._

"Shizu-chan," he said suddenly, broaching a new subject. "Do you believe love and hate are both passion?"

"The fuck… you want to get all philosophical during Go Fish?!"

"Answer the question."

Sighing, Shizuo pushed his bangs back as his elbow rested on his knee. His brow was knit and Izaya wondered if he was seriously thinking that hard about their game, his question, or if he was just annoyed. Knowing him, it was probably all three.

"…Yeah. I mean, passion's feeling stuff strongly. Love and hate are both that."

"So you could say love and hate… are the same?"

"…No. But… yeah."

"…"

"…Fuckin' gross…"

"Not the way I would've put it, but I agree," Izaya said quietly. His brow knit again and he could almost _see_ Namie smirk triumphantly at him.

_Damn woman can't leave me alone…_

"…What would things be like if we weren't like this?" Shizuo asked suddenly. "Nothing as extreme as one of us not existing, but… if you weren't… you."

"It's all my fault?"

"…"

"…Fine," Izaya mumbled. He set his cards down after a moment and straightened, arms behind his head as he stretched. He took a moment to look outside the window; a part of him was still bitter that the world continued to exist when they were struggling to do so. There was something infuriating about the way the sun continued to rise and set, as if nothing had changed when everything was different.

"Who knows?" Izaya drawled. "Maybe in a different universe, Shizu-chan and I actually got along. Or, imagine this, we're _lovers_. Wouldn't _that_ be something?"

Shizuo stared at him and threw down his cards, scowling.

"We don't have any food to spare, so quit sayin' stuff like that. Don't make me puke."

**june 28, 7:21 a.m.**

Shizuo had run out of water and Izaya still didn't offer him any of his, justifying his selfishness with the fact that Shizuo hadn't passed out.

He was just sluggish and weak, could barely move.

" _We'll leave tomorrow, all right? We'll stop by one of the temples we haven't been to yet, stock up on water. Or the forest. I told Shizu-chan to not drink them too quickly…"_

Izaya had said that last night and Shizuo nodded in agreement. There was nothing wrong with leaving a couple of days early; in fact, there was no specific reason for them to stay. It had just been Izaya's stubbornness; had he been more flexible, they would've left weeks ago when they were beginning to run out of food. But the morning they were to leave, Izaya woke up with hands around his neck.

"I—za—ya-!"

_He's delirious._

Izaya was quick; he raised a foot and delivered a swift kick to Shizuo's stomach, taking advantage of the fact that he was weak from dehydration. He was clearly delirious and Izaya was annoyed; it would probably be hard to snap him out of it, and all he could really do, he thought, was hope he'd pass out. Once he did, though, he'd need to give him water; at this point, Izaya was willing to offer him an entire bottle.

He wondered if he should've offered Shizuo some earlier, despite it being Shizuo's own irresponsibility that led him to this point.

Despite being weakened, Shizuo was still strong. Izaya coughed as he massaged his neck, wincing because he knew to expect bruises shortly. His kick wasn't enough to nullify Shizuo; he was up after a moment, staggering a bit, and glaring. It seemed he thought that they were still enemies, judging by the way he was glaring (because Izaya hadn't done anything especially terrible that Shizuo knew of recently.)

_How nice, to think that we're in the pre-apocalyptic times…_

"Izaya… you fuckin' bastard…! Where's Kasuka?!"

"…Hah?"

Izaya evaded a punch Shizuo threw, noting how clumsy his movements were. He was frowning as he watched him stumble for a bit and continued to avoid Shizuo's attacks, his own body acting a bit more sluggish than he'd like. Though not as bad as Shizuo, he did feel lightheaded from moving so much. Shizuo was remarkably energetic for being dehydrated, Izaya thought, giving a sigh.

_Must be Shizu-chan's lack of the limitation imposed on normal humans… ahh, annoying…_

"Shizu-chan," Izaya called after ducking again, Shizuo stumbling and crashing into the wall. "Stop it. You're delirious."

"Shut the fuck up! What did you do with Kasuka?!"

Clearly, Izaya thought, this was some hallucination because Izaya hadn't actually ever kidnapped Kasuka and hidden him. Or, in a way that was closer to how he actually conducted business, he'd never caused a chain of events that would lead to Kasuka's kidnapping.

Even more annoying.

"I didn't do anything with him," Izaya snapped, unnaturally irate. "Unless Shizu-chan means when I killed him? That I _did_ do, but Shizu-chan's already come to terms with that…"

" _Don't joke about that!"_ Shizuo roared. Izaya barely managed to move out of the way in time, clicking his tongue at how close Shizuo's fist came to his nose. He reached a hand out to steady himself against a wall; Shizuo was breathing heavily, having collapsed again and was sitting, still glaring venomously at him.

He had entirely forgotten the past several months, the past _year_. Delirium had overtaken him and he forgot that he and Izaya had a truce, an agreement. He forgot that they were beginning to _understand_ each other. He went back to when all they did was hate each other and want each other dead, and considering he thought Izaya did something to Kasuka, the Orihara was more than aware that he was actually at risk of being killed.

"Shizu-chan," he said again, beginning to feel worried, "I'm telling you to snap out of it. Use that brain of yours, all right? You're _hallucinating_."

He reached behind him until his fingers brushed against his gun. Izaya picked up the weapon and slowly slid it under his shirt, used the elastic of his boxers to keep it close, knowing that he might just need it. A shot through the leg would probably do it; Shizuo healed quickly and they still had some first aid supplies. As long as he didn't hit a vital organ, it would be fine.

He didn't want to, but he couldn't die.

Not like this.

" _WHAT DID YOU DO WITH KASUKA?!"_

Izaya stood, about to try to run past him, thinking he could lure Shizuo into the separate room and lock him in there until he passed out or regained control of himself. But his ankle met a wet spot on the floor, most probably from sweat and his eyes widened as he fell backwards. His head hit the floor and he felt his heart nearly leap out of his chest as he swore, the moment in which he was paralyzed more than enough for Shizuo to be over him. One punch and then another; Izaya let out another swear and he reached for a knife he kept under his mattress. The blade was released and he swung it at Shizuo, but it hardly cut into him; he'd almost forgotten that Shizuo's skin was abnormally thick. It seemed his knife would do nothing and Izaya didn't want to risk slicing a major artery.

_Shit… shit, he's going to kill me…!_

_I need to survive…_

Shizuo was glaring at him with nothing but pure hatred and anger, completely different from those drunk but softer eyes a few days ago. Izaya could actually still see Shizuo giving small smiles and giving gentle looks, even laughing quietly. Really, that was his default: tranquility. He remembered Shizuo's sullen and morose expressions, even, but anger was something he hadn't seen. Annoyance, all the time, but pure anger like this…

The last time he saw it was after he killed Kasuka.

Without Izaya, Shizuo would really have little to no reason to have to be this angry. Without Izaya, Shizuo would be peaceful. He'd be what he wanted; someone like Shizuo didn't deserve this post-apocalyptic world. Because, when it came down to it, Heiwajima Shizuo was _kind_. Had it not been for Izaya's meddling and interference, he could be a different person and people could have a vastly different perception of him.

_I don't want to kill him… Shizu-chan, snap out of it…_

_Don't… don't make me kill another person…_

_Don't make me kill you._

Shizuo's hands were around his throat again and Izaya barely managed a breath. He was feeling lightheaded _quickly_ and his back rose immediately, taking out the gun with a slight fumble. Shizuo didn't seem to comprehend what he was doing; Izaya's hands were shaking and he was losing consciousness quickly as he raised it, tried to figure out where to shoot for Shizuo to let go. With his arms in the way and the angle of their bodies, Izaya couldn't reach his legs, but anywhere in his abdomen would be dangerous. His shoulders and arms might not register enough pain for him to let go (Shizuo's pain tolerance seemed significantly higher when he was angry) and Izaya gave a choked gasp, realizing he only had one choice.

_I need to survive._

_I need to survive._

_I need to survive._

_**I'm going to survive.** _

He did it without hesitation.

Barrel to Heiwajima Shizuo's forehead, he pulled the trigger with the little strength he had as he bordered on passing out. Izaya's vision was already turning to white when he distantly heard the shot ring; the kickback sent pain ricocheting from his hand through his arm and Shizuo was sent flying back from the force. The gun dropped from his hand and Izaya rolled onto his side, coughing and hacking, gasping and struggling regain his breath.

His body was shuddering and a fist pounded his chest. He crawled over to his bag and took out a water bottle; though desperate, he was able to restrain himself enough to not down the entire bottle. Eyes closed and he leaned his head against the wall, waiting until everything had stopped spinning and he could breathe more easily.

And then he realized.

He froze. As his mind began to clear, the first thing he saw when he opened his eyes was red on the water bottle. With shaking hands, he wiped the rim clear and didn't dare lick his lips, slowly coming to realize that there was something wet on his face. Recapping the bottle slowly and putting it back, he couldn't bring himself to turn around. His lungs were still burning and his neck still hurt, but he was staring at a corner, knowing what would be waiting for him when he turned around.

_I…_

_I just…_

Hands shaking, Izaya looked over his shoulder slowly, his eyes wide, his pants so quick and shallow that if Shizuo's hands around his neck hadn't caused him to pass out, his own breathing certainly would do so.

Heiwajima Shizuo's body was on the ground, limbs splayed out and blond hair stained dark with his own blood, pooling from his wound.

His eyes were closed and his chest wasn't moving.

He looked tranquil.

_I…_

_Oh, god…_

Izaya's eyes were wide and he leaned over, one hand on the ground to support himself as he threw up. He was shaking as he straightened, still panting heavily. Swallowing thickly, he grimaced at the taste, head bowing so his bangs obscured his vision.

_Maybe…_

_Maybe a dream?_

_Could this be…_

_Could it?_

Eyes opening again, Izaya straightened and opened his mouth.

_Call for help._

And the moment he heard his own voice cry out, he collapsed on the ground, dull pain in his knees masked by the emotional turbulence that threatened to rip open his chest.

Because it wasn't a dream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm always really sad when i kill someone off, but doing this to shizuo is just a whole new level of absolute pain and regret. unfortunately, this event was needed and something planned from the start… rest in peace, angel…
> 
> also the biggest thank you to jenn for being my last minute beta reader YOU'RE WONDERFUL don't know if you'll see this BUT YOU'RE WONDERFUL


	19. it's okay, i'm okay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it's okay, i'm okay, it's okay, i'm okay, it's okay, i'm okay.

**june 28, 7:44 a.m.**

He killed Shizuo.

Izaya's hand was shaking as he wiped his mouth with the back of it, feeling his own hot, jagged pants as he slowly stood up. His breathing was shallow and after another moment, he ended up collapsing again, narrowly avoiding landing in his own vomit. Blood was pounding in his head and he forced his stare onto the wall, eyes tearing away from Shizuo.

_I killed him…_

_I killed him…_

_I…_

_I finally killed Shizu-chan…!_

And then he began laughing.

A crazed, hollow laugh had his entire lithe frame shaking and he ended up rolling onto his back, tears nearly escaping his eyes. One arm was across his stomach, holding himself, while the other was across his forehead. He laughed until his stomach ached and he was gasping for breath, peals of laughter mixed in with coughs. He brought a hand to his neck and flit his fingers over it; it was odd, he thought, how he could almost still feel Shizuo's hands around his neck.

_I survived._

_Ahh… I survived! I survived, I really did, I'm the last person, I survived, I even beat out Shizu-chan…!_

_I survived…_

_I survived._

Izaya's laughter slowly trickled off until he was left with only his shallow breathing, staring at the ceiling, brow furrowed. He grew annoyed at the lack of excitement; he hadn't felt it since the world had gone to hell, but he had thought the elated realization would bring that happiness. However, the high was short lived and he returned to feeling nothing; it was entirely silent in the apartment, even the clock that used to tick had run out of battery.

_I survived, which means…_

_I…_

_Killed…_

_Shizu-chan._

He blinked and something within him changed because he blinked and felt nothing anymore.

"Huh. Boring. That was uneventful."

Izaya sat up and looked over at Shizuo's body, eyes glazed over and expression cold. A full ten seconds passed before he stood up and carefully avoided stepping near Shizuo's body as he navigated around the room, humming the theme song to Hanamaru Kindergarten and nodding his head to the imaginary beat. He picked up what he needed, a few blankets and pillows, moving them into the RV outside wordlessly, carefully walking around Shizuo's body as if it wasn't even there. A bit of blood stained his shoe and he clicked his tongue when he noticed, brow knitting. Pausing to lean against a wall, Izaya lifted a foot and crossed it as his knee to observe the dark stain on the sole.

"How messy… I'll have to stop by somewhere with fresh water. Or perhaps pick up a new pair. Time for a change!"

Bending down to pick up his backpack, Izaya slung it over his shoulder. There hadn't been much left, and so he was able to move everything into the RV relatively quickly. Even so, he walked around one last time, checked all the rooms and cupboards to make sure there wasn't anything important missing. After affirming so, he hesitated before heading over to Shizuo's mattress.

It was the only area he hadn't gone through.

He picked up his book, first of all. And then he saw Kasuka's note, his eyes lingering for a moment too long. No water, no food; nothing except the blanket, pillow, book, and note. Izaya swallowed thickly, his expression darkening before quickly returning to blankness. Picking it up, he took a deep breath and walked over to Shizuo, bent down where Shizuo would be facing away from him.

"Here you go."

_It's okay, it's okay, it's okay._

_I'm okay._

_It was self defense._

_It's okay it's okay it's okay it's okay it's okay it's okay it's okay…_

_**It's okay…** _

Izaya stood after placing the note next to him, staring down at him silently. Shizuo was unmoving. Shizuo was dead. Shizuo was _actually_ dead.

His lips twitched, but it wasn't with laughter.

A part of Izaya hadn't thought that Shizuo would die. He knew that he could and he would, but Heiwajima Shizuo had been such an important part of his life that Izaya never thought about him _dying_. And to think he was the one who caused that?

_It's okay, I'm okay, it's okay, I'm okay, it's okay, I'm okay._

Even when sleeping, Shizuo would be moving a bit, sometimes snoring. And then when awake, Shizuo didn't go very long without making a sound or movement; there'd be times where he was silent but he still moved. Shizuo was always alive, Izaya thought; he always showed some sort of sign that he was alive, whereas Shinra had once said Izaya very well looked dead at times.

But Shizuo was very, very dead.

_It's okay, I'm okay, it's okay, I'm okay._

"Bye, Shizu-chan."

He paused, smiling even.

" _Good_ bye, Shizu-chan. It was a pleasure to work with you. I didn't expect it to work out so well… well, I supposed it didn't work _out_ so well. I'm sure you understand. You even said it yourself! That's right, don't you remember? You essentially gave me _permission_ , Shizu-chan. Well… this is it! Goodbye!"

And then he left.

Izaya didn't know where he was heading, but he did know that the RV had at least half a tank of gas. Shimabara was a possibility, albeit a rather stupid one. Now that Shizuo wasn't here to keep chanting Shimabara, Izaya really saw no point. Driving there would take forever as well, he thought as he climbed into the RV. He slammed the door shut and sighed. His slender fingers curled around the wheel, but he couldn't bring himself to start driving.

Shizuo was dead in that apartment and Izaya felt oddly liberated.

_It's okay, I'm okay, it's okay, I'm okay._

He'd finally killed him with his own hands. It had been a blur, but he did remember pulling the trigger, though he had looked away. Blinking, Izaya straightened and touched his finger to his cheek, looked at it afterwards. His heart lurched and it was at that moment he remembered he even _had_ a heart. He'd gone on autopilot, and those were a blissful few hours of nothingness.

Blood.

_That's right… Shizu-chan's blood is warm._

Izaya rubbed the liquid between his index finger and thumb, watching it spread thin and turn into a pale red that seemed to blend into his skin. His eyes were impassive as he felt it dry, rubbing his fingers again and leaning back in his seat with his eyes closed.

"Where should I go, I wonder… even that awful woman could be helpful right now. Not Shizu-chan, though. Shizu-chan would just parrot Shimabara at me… honestly, does he even _know_ any other cities?"

_I can't just leave him up there._

Izaya frowned.

He didn't like that thought and that voice.

"Shinra would be quite useless. Dotachin would be good. I miss Dotachin."

_It's not okay, I'm not okay._

"It's okay," Izaya mumbled, sounding a bit too forceful with his tight voice. "And I'm okay. Shizu-chan understands."

Starting the engine, Izaya glanced at the building one last time, realized now that both floors were stained with blood and it was all Izaya's fault.

"Goodbye, Shizu-chan."

_Good people sometimes have the worst things happen to them._

So Izaya drove away, decided to not think about what the warm temperatures and open windows would do to the rate at which the body would decompose, how Shizuo wouldn't have a grave and his final resting place was in his own blood, how, if he was really unlucky, zombies would find their way up into that living room.

How Heiwajima Shizuo had been terrified, but risked his life even for the person he hated most. How Heiwajima Shizuo had even been able to _tolerate_ Izaya after what he did to Kasuka. How Heiwajima Shizuo was someone who Izaya labeled a _monster_ for years, and yet he still helped him. How Heiwajima Shizuo _saved his life multiple times_ and Izaya ended his, all because he didn't share.

"It's not like that was the only thing! It was food too!"

Despite his words, Izaya shuddered. It was bad enough that Shizuo put in so much effort to give final resting places to the people who died but he didn't have one of his own, but Izaya felt a certain emptiness when he thought about how death was just that:

Nothing.

Shizuo had carried on the memories of those who had died, but now that he was gone, so were they; it was one fewer lifeline for them. Shizuo would disappear into bones and then he'd be nothing, not even a stone with his name on it. But Shizuo was gone; what made Shizuo Shizuo was gone and it was just his physical body that remained, and even that wouldn't last very long.

_Nothing._

Izaya gave a sigh and shook his head. His grip on the wheel tightened and his eyes narrowed as he began driving a bit faster; he wasn't sure where he was going but he was going far away.

_I'm not going to be nothing._

_I'm going to survive._

_I'm going to survive._

_I'm going to survive._

" _Hey."_

Izaya's breath hitched and he suddenly, he slammed the brakes so hard that it lurched him forward and his chest hit the wheel painfully hard. Panting, he stared out the window.

_What… what was that voice?_

_That's…_

_No way._

_Shizu… chan?_

"Hey."

Jolting violently, Izaya immediately pulled out the gun he had in his pocket, flicked off the safety and pulled the trigger before he even fully registered what he saw. Luckily the side passenger window was down; otherwise there would've been a hole and crack in it. Swallowing thickly, Izaya stared at the blond figure sitting there, as he always did, except he shouldn't be.

"Sh… Shizu-chan…"

"Remember that night after we cooked that deer?" Shizuo asked, giving a tired smile.

"You shouldn't be here," Izaya said in a tiny voice, swallowing thickly and trying to move as far away as he could, eyes wide and heart racing. "You… you… n-no, you're-!"

"It's just like what I said that night to you," Shizuo continued, looking away and staring out the window.

"…It's not the end of the world to listen to your heart, Izaya. This is the end of the world. This. But not that. Just… let yourself feel once in a while."

Izaya blinked and he was alone again.

His shoulders were shuddering as he tried to catch his breath, eyes wide as he slowly stared at his hands. They clenched slowly before relaxing and the image of them burned into the back of his eyelids as he let out a strangled breath, bowing until his forehead touched to top of the steering wheel.

_What…_

_What did I do…?_

_Feel?_

_What kind of cruel joke is this?_

_Shizu-chan came back just to tell me to feel? What, he wants me to feel awful about_ _**killing** _ _him? And he does so with that stupid smile and that tranquility?! What the hell is that?!_

His hands were clean. They looked as they always did, even from when he used to be nothing more than Orihara Izaya, the informant. From when he'd never directly killed someone to now, it was amazing that his hands, _those hands_ , looked the same.

The _absolute_ same.

Swallowing, Izaya slowly grasped the steering wheel again after straightening up. He stayed still until his heart wasn't threatening to rip through his chest and he gave a slow nod, sighing in defeat. Lifting his foot from the brake, he calmly drove back to the apartment, parking and hopping out.

" _It's not the end of the world to listen to your heart, Izaya."_

The words echoed in Izaya's mind as he made his way back up the stairs he thought he had been done climbing. Shizuo had muttered them in a quiet voice, one of his rare seemingly good moods. Izaya didn't know why; it may have been the food, or it may have just been Shizuo being strange.

Shizuo seemed to have taken up a side agenda that concerned Izaya's emotional wellbeing, and Izaya didn't appreciate being his little project. But even all the silence could be unnerving for him and happy Shizuo was better than morose, sullen Shizuo, so as long as he kept his speeches to fewer than five minutes, Izaya could tolerate it.

_Shizu-chan, worldwide superhero. One person at a time… how lucky of me to be first._

Shizuo would've been a good hero, Izaya caught himself thinking before he realized it.

Stopping in front of the door, Izaya braced himself. His palms felt unnaturally warm and he wiped them against his pants, tried to steady his breathing. It was different now; he'd been here last with the intention of cleaning and leaving everything behind. But he came back with the intention of resolving what he'd left behind, meaning he'd have to acknowledge the existence of… it.

… _No._

Izaya sighed, leaned forward until his forehead met the door.

…' _It' is for the monsters outside._

… _Him._

He inhaled through his nose and, after what felt like an eternity, exhaled through his mouth. And as all the air left his lungs, it felt like his heart dropped; he could feel it beating in his stomach, a death march that led him to the other side of that door.

_It's okay, I'm okay, it's okay, I'm okay._

Taking a deep breath, he straightened and turned the knob of the door, letting it swing open and would've thrown up had it not been for the fact there was nothing in his stomach. Shizuo was still there; there seemed to be more blood, puddle larger and darker. It made Izaya's stomach lurch and his legs seemed frozen in place.

He'd come back to give Shizuo a proper burial. Because Shizuo was Shizuo and Izaya was Izaya, but Shizuo had helped Izaya and, he figured, this was the least he could do.

It seemed Shizuo's humanity had rubbed off on him a bit.

… _Sheets._

Taking a deep breath, Izaya closed his eyes. He held an arm out and felt along the walls to guide him to what had been Shinra's room. He took his own bedding with him and couldn't bear to disturb any of Shizuo's belongings. He opened his eyes once his fingers brushed the doorframe and swallowed thickly.

Disturb one dead person's things for another.

… _Fun._

Taking as many sheets as he could, he hesitated before going back outside. His back to the wall, Izaya stared at the ceiling, heart still racing.

_It's okay, I'm okay._

_I go out, cover him with sheets, take him outside, dig a hole, bury him, be done with it. It's the least I can do. And I am doing it. So Hallucination Shizu-chan can stop just appearing and making me waste bullets._

_That was so rude of Hallucination Shizu-chan. Even the real Shizu-chan wasn't that rude._

_Stupid Hallucination Shizu-chan._

_It's okay, I'm okay._

Another shuddered breath later, Izaya forced himself off the wall and strode over to Shizuo, tossing one of the sheets over him without having to look at him for too long. This wasn't something that Izaya could manipulate or chain react someone else into doing, so he had to do this on his own.

Direct and efficient, just like Shizuo.

… _Real Shizu-chan was also rude, just rubbing off on me like that…_

_All Shizu-chans are rude. All of them…_

…

_And none of them are here anymore…_

Frowning, he shook his head quickly and continued wrapping Shizuo's body up as best he could, trying to ignore the blossoming red stains. With the exception of his eyebrows, Izaya kept his expression mostly neutral as he folded and tucked the sheets. He was careful and delicate with his movements and made sure to touch the body as little as possible, not wanting to risk finding out if there was anything else in his stomach that could come back up.

Once finished, he took a moment to catch his breath, knowing that this next part _necessitated_ physical contact.

… _Damnit._

It had been different with the others. First of all, he'd moved them less. And second of all, it had just been different. He'd ended their lives out of _kindness_ , he reminded himself firmly, focusing on that as he draped one of Shizuo's arms around his neck and grunted as he stood, stumbling a bit because of the weight.

He had done them a favor. This wasn't a favor. This wasn't preventing Shizuo from being a zombie. This was…

Self defense.

_Selfishness._

_What_ had _to be done_.

_A mistake._

Necessary.

_Something that could have been avoided._

Izaya really didn't like that small voice in his head.

Struggling with his steps, Izaya already had to lean against the doorframe for a break, trying not to think about Shizuo's body pressed to his entire side. With the warm weather and his physical, emotional, mental fatigue, he had no idea how he was going to make it down the stairs without risking either of their bodies tumbling.

_I'm sorry._

Adjusting his grip on Shizuo's arm, Izaya used his new surge of energy to straighten and begin to descend the stairs painfully slowly. Shizuo's feet dragged and Izaya had to be careful in keeping his balance, moving his feet carefully and making sure he had good footing before lifting the other one. Stairs had never been this difficult, and it was a narrow space for the bodies of two grown men, despite how slim their statutes were.

_It shouldn't have turned out like this._

_Would it have turned out differently if I had offered you some of the water?_

…

_It could've._

_Just one more day._

It was selfish, but a part of Izaya, at one moment, felt incredibly angry.

Angry that Shizuo was gone.

Angry that Shizuo was dead.

Angry that Shizuo had left him _alone_. Here he was, in Kumamoto, where he'd been for more than a year. Here he was, in Kumamoto, where he hadn't seen another living, breathing soul for that entire year. Here he was, in Kumamoto, in Japan, in the world, feeling like absolute last person alive, all because Shizuo was gone.

_That's right._

_It's_ _**his** _ _fault._

_He left me. After all that, Shizu-chan left me!_

_He left…_

…

_Me._

Finally making it down the steps, Izaya stumbled a bit as his shoulder hit the wall so he could catch his breath. His throat burned with every breath he took and his grip on Shizuo's wrist was so hard that his fingers were turning white. Licking his chapped, dry lips, Izaya's head bowed.

_It's not his fault._

_It's… mine…_

_It's not okay, I'm not okay._

He brought the body to where Shizuo had attempted his vegetable garden, the plants brown and dry by now. Setting it down as gently as he could, Izaya ignored the aching in his shoulders and back as he picked up a shovel.

Spade into dirt, foot to drive it in, dig, toss to the side, repeat. Izaya almost welcomed the pain; every muscle was begging him to stop, but he ignored them and kept pushing. The pain made him feel alive. The pain reminded him _he_ was still alive. The pain replaced that empty terror, even if temporarily, and he relished it.

It made him feel _alive._

Hands to the grass once he'd dug deep enough, Izaya used the last bit of his energy to hoist himself out. He collapsed after; at last, he gave in to his body and laid still. The grass and dirt prickled against his skin as he stared at the sky, sun not quite noon-high but still claiming its place in the blue sky, among the white clouds. Looking down on him, as it constantly had been, and Izaya's lips curled into a manic grin.

"It's as if it's been looking at me this whole time… taking turns with the moon, switching off, watching everything that's expired. Isn't that creepy? That's most definitely creepy…"

Hoisting himself up, Izaya lingered on his elbows for a bit before forcing himself up. "Have to get it done, after all," he mumbled as he walked over to Shizuo's body again, robotically lifting him and easing him into the grave, lowering his feet first and then his head.

As he began filling it, he stopped only at the last moment. Going back upstairs quickly, he was back within a minute, crouching and gently laying Kasuka's note on Shizuo's chest, eyes softening for just a moment.

"…Don't say I never did anything for you."

Izaya piled the rest of the dirt on top of Shizuo until he could no longer see any hints of the sheet. He laid the shovel down and reached for a scrap piece of wood that was laying around from when Shizuo had taken up chopping wood for his carving hobby. Taking out his knife, he crudely carved 'Heiwajima Shizuo' onto the smooth side of it, using the shovel to wedge it by the body as a tombstone.

And with that, he stood still, elbow resting on the shovel. Blood still stained his skin and hair, mixed with sweat and dirt, but the nausea was beginning to subside a bit. He stared at the mound and gave a shaky breath, bowed his head and closed his eyes. He tried to smirk, but his lips didn't seem to be able to move the way he wanted them to.

"I know you hate me, Shizu-chan. And I know you don't trust me. But… believe me when I say this."

Izaya shuddered and for a moment, just a single moment, he didn't think about all the justification for what he did, just focused on what had happened and bowed his head.

"…I'm sorry, Shizuo."

_You were never the monster between us._

He took the shovel back to the RV and tossed it in the back; it was still the same small, cramped space that, at one point or another, seven people had shared. Izaya could still remember the way voices would echo, bouncing off the walls, and how it would get almost unbearably stuffy at times.

It was the exact same space, but it felt much too big.

Because seven was down to one.

Clambering around, as if making temporary noise would permanently help, Izaya was back in the driver's seat. Keys were in the ignition and he was about to drive when remember something.

"Ah."

He shifted to reach into his pocket and pull out the crudely carved cow, smirking tiredly as he left it on the dashboard, lingering on it for a moment.

"Goodbye, Shizu-chan."

And as he began driving off, Izaya couldn't understand why the further he drove the harder his heart raced, why the more distance between them the worst he felt.

"I did what you would've wanted," he found himself mumbling, fingers tightening around the steering wheel. "I buried you, I went back, I…"

"You killed me," came Shizuo's voice and Izaya jolted only slightly, not even bothering to look at him.

"…I didn't mean to."

"Pretty fuckin' sure you did."

"You don't understand, I—"

"This is called _guilt_ , Izaya," Shizuo said firmly and Izaya fell quiet.

"Live with it, you son of a bitch."

**july 3, 2:15 p.m.**

"What a bother…!"

Sighing, Izaya gave up and left the keys in the ignition as he leaned back in the seat. He had less gas than he thought, but, to be fair, he was driving around rather aimlessly. Izaya wasn't thinking rationally; if he was, he would've stayed until he knew what to do, or at least start heading _out_ of the city. Instead he was just circling in and out, weaving around; he didn't want to be in front of that apartment anymore, but once he started driving, he didn't want to stop. Something about movement was calming; it felt like progress, when he'd been at a standstill for months.

Progress without an end in mind, but _progress._

He grabbed a spare duffel and began packing it with the spare clothes and a blanket. He added a first aid kit to his own backpack; there was very little in the RV that was still useful. It had been almost a week; the half tank of gas had been used up pretty quickly as Izaya drove and stopped, drove and stopped. He slept in the cot when he could, but he rarely felt safe enough to do so. They were relatively light cat naps; his body had essentially been trained from his work as an informant to operate on very little sleep, to react to the slightest sound.

To never, ever let his guard down entirely.

For the past two days, he'd taken refuge at a small town outside of the city. It was one of the places he and Shizuo hadn't gone to raid, so he looked around to find a restaurant. When he found food and water, he was more than relieved; for two people, it would been just barely enough, but for just one, it was plentiful. Izaya had taken everything and found a shrine nearby, deciding that it would be safest to rest there. The restaurant had shown signs of struggle and even though he had to kill three zombies, there had been zero at the shrine itself.

He felt better; he was finally rehydrated and had food in his stomach, even allowed himself to _sleep_. It did wonders for him; Izaya looked the best he possibly could in the given situation. He had found a water source to wash his clothes. Presentation didn't quite matter as much nowadays but it was soothing for him to wear clothes that weren't stained with sweat, blood, or dirt. Zombie blood and guts surely weren't attractive, no matter how bleak the world's future seemed.

And Izaya still had himself to look good for.

Izaya passed every day as he normally did, though there was more exploring included, made possible with the new source of food and hydration. He ate and he drank and he slept when he could; he didn't mind being constantly being on the move, not overexerting himself but not wanting to get lost in his thoughts. Shizuo made some sparing appearances and Izaya blamed it on the heat; it wasn't as if a few meals would nullify weeks of starvation and dehydration. He ignored Shizuo as much as he could, but decided to have some fun in bantering with him.

He didn't like this Shizuo though. This Shizuo was angrier. It was like this was _ghost_ Shizuo, coming back to haunt him.

Izaya didn't like it, so he pushed him out of his mind as much as he could without admitting why, finally deciding to take a break. His constant moving around with this heat could have negative consequences. So he went back to the shrine where he left the vehicle and sat, intending on taking the rest of that night off.

But before the day even ended, he'd gotten restless again. He upped and drove off before finally running out of fuel and ended up parked on some dirt road. He took his bags and began walking, duffel over one shoulder, backpack over both, one hand on his knife and the other on the gun. Having made it to a large highway, Izaya was confident that he would be able to find another car if he kept walking long enough. He had food, he had water, he had rested up; things were looking up at last.

Except the one minor inconvenience that was his mind, but he was okay.

As he was walking, he couldn't help but smirk, feeling a bounce in his step because he was finally, _finally_ out of that cursed RV. Everyone who had entered, human or dog, ended up dead or gone, and Izaya wasn't going to allow himself to fall victim. He had found a bowtie behind a cot during his last and final cleanout and stared at it for several moments before scowling.

" _Even dead, Shizu-chan's still pissing me off…"_ he had mumbled before hopping down the steps, letting the door slam shut behind him definitively, not even sparing one last glance as he walked away.

He walked for a good thirty minutes before seeing several cars ahead. Steps a bit hurried, Izaya was greeted with a mini abandoned traffic jam. He looked further ahead and was pleased the road was cleared; he could only assume these people had been meaning to drive to safety, but for whatever reason, they stopped and ended up dying. Maybe they were trying to help someone or maybe there had been a hoard attacking them; either way, the cars were left, all still relatively intact. They were a bit worn from being abandoned, but Izaya picked the closest one and opened the door. Sitting in the driver's seat, he tried the engine.

Dead.

Frowning but not deterred, he moved to another one, eyes lighting up. "A Maserati…?" he murmured under his breath, hand running over it before gracefully sliding in. He turned the key and was pleased to see that the gas tank was nearly full; he wasn't sure why someone would've taken their Maserati out in the middle of a zombie apocalypse, but he decided to not complain. He gave a smirk and set his belongings into the passenger seat before getting back out, knowing better than to just leave a possible goldmine of supplies. A spare gas container was retrieved from one of the other cars and he filled it with what he could, setting it in the trunk of his new vehicle. He ended up scouring all the cars, searching for anything that would be of use to him. He wound up with a case of water bottles, to his pleasure, and a good deal of food; it seemed many of these had been families, judging by several abandoned booster seats. He even found spare clothes and blankets, nice pillows too. Izaya was in a pleasant mood as he moved his findings into the trunk and back seats of his car, humming until he saw a toy cow, and his expression faltered before slipping into a scowl.

_Shizu-chan would call this stealing._

He ignored the toy and closed the trunk.

_Ah… Shizu-chan again._

_You'd think that when you kill someone, that's it._

Packing the car with his newfound belongings, Izaya moved the others first, driving them away to clear a path. Once he was finished, he returned to the one he decided to claim as his own. Though it wouldn't be as comfortable to sleep in this one as the RV, it was much smaller and would use less gas. It would be faster too, he thought. And, his vanity could help but notice, it _looked_ much more like a car Orihara Izaya would drive.

_Where to go…_ he thought as he made himself comfortable, adjusting the seat. _Shimabara is a definite no. Too far. It was really only to amuse Shizu-chan. Maybe I'll just keep driving… I should be able to reach Amakusa within two or so hours. Probably less, speed limit doesn't matter… but I should really practice safe driving._

He nodded.

_Amakusa it is._

Izaya put the key into the ignition and turned, hearing the engine hum to life readily. The seat belt clicked securely and he began driving, pleased with how much smoother this car was. The RV they had been using was fine, though a bit old; the engine was much louder and the ride was bumpier. This car was smaller, more efficient, and a much newer model, one that Izaya was pleased with it.

Things really were looking up.

After a few minutes of fiddling around with the radio, refusing to admit he'd been hoping to pick up some kind of human life, he turned it off and rolled down the window for fresh air. One hand was on the steering wheel and the other arm hanging out of the vehicle leisurely. The wind whipped his hair and it stung his face, but he didn't mind; he had washed his infamous fur trim coat several times and the blood stains were slight, fur no longer crusted. It was too warm to wear it now, but Izaya kept it in the seat next to him. He occasionally glanced over and couldn't help smirking; after all, it had been his signature. Because aside from his name and pretty face, that coat was something people recognized.

It was the one thing that he wouldn't change about himself.

Orihara Izaya and his Fur Trim Coat.

_That_ wouldn't change.

He wasn't sure what to do upon reaching Amakusa. The thought had him frowning as he continued to drive the mainly straight road. He supposed he could stay there, like he had been, but that was _boring_. Izaya was rather tired of house-hopping; he wanted an actual goal, not just to live aimlessly.

"See, that's something Shizu-chan would do… Shizu-chan's fine with doing nothing with his life, after all."

Izaya sighed.

"Shizu-chan's pretty stupid and naïve."

"Shizu-chan was really just weighing me down."

"Shizu-chan…"

_I'm sorry._

Izaya hesitated. It was odd to be able to say things about Shizuo without him getting angry; part of him had been expecting to hear Shizuo's angry retorts, feel the car shake with Shizuo getting angry. But nothing. Not even his hallucination, which was strange; Izaya figured Shizuo's ghost would definitely come out when he was badmouthing him.

But it was silent.

"…Shizu-chan is dead."

_I killed Shizu-chan… I finally killed Shizu-chan._

_I killed him._

Giving a shaky sigh, Izaya swallowed thickly. His fingers relaxed for a moment before curling around the wheel again and he tried to give a nonchalant smirk. "Shizu-chan is dead," he murmured. "Shizu-chan is dead… Shizu-chan is dead. Shizu-chan is _dead_ , Shizu-chan is... _dead._ "

The words rolled off of the tip of his tongue, but they still didn't feel right; they felt foreign and made his tongue feel like cotton. He felt unsettled every time he said it and swallowed again. He repeated the words, just those three, and before he realized it, his hand was fisted and he hit the side of the car, a loud sound that startled him. Eyes widening, Izaya's breath stilled before he was able to exhale and let his arm relax.

_Ah… that's odd. Why does it feel so odd? Shizu-chan's dead and I killed him. He's finally dead. It's the truth._

_Nn… Shizu-chan's such a nuisance. Even dead, he leaves an unsettling taste in my mouth._

And suddenly, an apology sprung to mind again. It had him narrowing his eyes and clicking his tongue, deciding to ignore it. He'd already apologized. He'd done enough. He couldn't change anything; there was no dwelling on it.

_So stop it already._

Izaya hadn't realized how much he'd accelerated until the wind was causing his hair to whip at his cheeks painfully. He was nearing a hundred thirty kilometers per hour and he stared at the speedometer, watching it for a moment before pressing down on the pedal further.

_This is why I have my seatbelt on, after all._

Izaya didn't drive often; living in the busy Shinjuku and Ikebukuro area, there was really no need for a car. He had his license but hardly used it. And also, Izaya knew, considering his profession, driving was dangerous. People with only a few enemies would have their cars tampered with. Izaya, who made an enemy out of a good majority of people, wouldn't trust driving.

But of course, he knew _how_ to drive. In fact, he'd passed his exam easily and on the first try. The times he did drive, he was textbook perfect, stopping fully at signs and stoplights, driving within the speed limits and using his blinker for the appropriate amount of time. He was annoyingly good at driving, Shinra had commented one day (then adding that, of course, no one could be better than Celty.)

Humming, Izaya released the pedal slightly, keeping at a steady two hundred kilometers. The road was long and straight; he'd easily reach Amakusa within the next hour, especially at this speed. He was a risk taker by nature; it was why he enjoyed living his life on the border, constantly seeking some sort of a thrill. With no one endangering his life anymore, he had to find the excitement elsewhere. Even when there had been Shizuo, just being by him was enough; in the back of his mind, Izaya knew that Shizuo wouldn't consciously kill him. But there was that risk in itself, allowing himself to sleep next to him, let his guard slip around him; that risk itself was enough for him.

And also the zombies, but Izaya had always been more wary of Shizuo.

The zombies were stupid.

Shizuo wasn't always stupid.

"I just complimented Shizu-chan…"

He pulled a face.

Shaking his head and giving a tired smirk, Izaya put his foot back on the pedal, pressing down again. His eyes narrowed as the car sped up even more; he'd long pulled his arm back in and rolled up the window. For a moment, he even let go of the wheel. A flicker of fear passed through him but Izaya just smirked and leaned back in the seat, feeling utterly relaxed with his hands floating above the wheel; he felt like he was _flying_ , hearing the wind and waiting until the car felt like was going to veer off the road to grasp the wheel again.

A single hand rested at the twelve o'clock position comfortably, lightly; he steadied the car and glanced at the speedometer. _Two seventy... that's it?_ He pressed down a bit harder on the pedal and repeated the action. His hand fell into his lap again and he watched as the scenery became nothing but a blur; signs went by so quickly that he had no idea how close he was to Amakusa.

It really didn't even matter that much anymore.

He could very easily die like this, he thought suddenly. He undid the buckle and let it return to its original position, the click almost deafened by the wind.

_I just couldn't die as long as Shizu-chan was alive, right?_

_What's stopping me now, then?_

The car felt precarious and Izaya was staring straight ahead, knew a relatively sharp turn was coming up ahead. His hand hovered over the wheel and knew that he had to slow down if he was going to make it safely, but for some reason, couldn't bring himself to lift his foot and slow down. He swallowed and stared intensely; he knew what was going to happen and knew what he had to do to prevent it, and yet…

He could very easily die like this, he thought suddenly.

_I could very easily die like this._

_What's stopping me?_

He could crash. He'd fly through the windshield and it would probably be painless (or almost.) Maybe not, but he had very few painless death possibilities left. He could veer into the rail guard or crash into a tree; or maybe he'd hit a bump and the car would flip and he'd die, being tossed around like some sort of a rag doll.

_Is this the end for me…?_

_I could die._

_I could end._

_Everything could end._

_What's stopping me?_

_What's stopping me?_

_What's stopping me?_

_**Fear.** _

Izaya clicked his tongue and frowned, brow knitting as he snapped out of his trance. His hand came down on the wheel, grasped firmly to regain control and he switched pedals. He'd reached three hundred ten and was bringing it down; the tires were undoubtedly suffering but, Izaya thought, it didn't matter. He'd switch cars if he needed to. That was easy. Staying alive to be able to do that, at this moment, was not as easy.

The turn was approaching and so he pressed harder on the brake, yet not hard enough to skid; that would just be _stupid_. The belt wasn't touched, but Izaya had a very firm resolution to not die; he'd spent this entire time determined to survive and wasn't going to die because of _reckless driving_.

It was just fun to tease the border.

Three hundred, two ninety, two eighty…

_Ah… can't slow down in time. In that case…_

Izaya swore quietly when he saw the turn approaching quickly; he switched to his right hand grasping the steering wheel for any control he could have, leaving the left free to reach for the handbrake. His eyes narrowed as he waited and gave a sharp pull; one hand remained on the wheel and the other was still curled around the brake as the vehicle made the turn.

He clicked his tongue again. Much like earlier, there was the sense of bordering between all control and no control. He felt his heart flutter and a sardonic smile pulled on his lips; his body was forced towards the left as the car was turning right, but he tried to remain upright. Izaya realized he was holding his breath only when the turn was completed and he found himself relaxing, taking a deep breath as he brought the car down to a much more regular speed.

He didn't drive very often and he wasn't quite an expert on drifting, but Orihara Izaya had more lives than a cat and more luck than a rabbit's foot when it came to surviving.

Humming, Izaya rolled down the window again to enjoy the fresh air, pretending his heart wasn't racing. He was in a much better mood; he'd felt an odd sense of tightness in his chest earlier, but after that _brief lapse in making good decisions about driving_ , he felt freer. He was smiling again, heading moving side to side as he tapped his finger along to a beat he'd made up.

_I'm going to survive._

_I did survive._

"A hundred thirty huh, this feels rather slow. But, after all, I'm in no rush…"

Sighing, Izaya took a moment to look to the side. It was a nice day out, as it had been for the past few days. It was like the day he saw Tom and Shizuo stopping by an ice cream cart (obviously for Shizuo), the same day he saw Namie pay his sisters. The same day he saw Mikado and Anri walking around, only reason not disrupting them being that he was stopped by Celty. He remembered giving her a smirk, murmuring _what, you don't trust that I just want to say hello?_

Days where there had been white noise as Izaya focused on certain conversations, listening for a few seconds to decide if they were worth his attention. Days where nothing was happening, but that in itself was everything. Days where the city was brimming with life.

Days that were no longer.

He reached Amakusa quickly; his little escapade had cut down significantly on travel time. Izaya drove much slower when in the actual city. It was quiet and quaint, seemed like the sort of place someone like Shizuo would go for vacation.

_Tch. Shizu-chan again._

At any other time, he supposed the area would be relaxing. But since there had recently been an apocalypse, the air was eerie with how silent it was. Izaya slowed in hopes of finding someone or any sort of life. But considering the low population of the area, he didn't have much hope; he didn't even see very many zombies around and about. Giving a sigh, one hand raised to push his hair back from his forehead.

"Aah… now what?" he murmured lowly to himself. "Sightseeing? Seems a bit dull… though, I have never been to this area of the country."

"I don't even have music…"

"Ah! Ah… my phone must have run out of battery by now."

"Really, even Namie-san's nagging would be nice."

"Shizu-chan used to hum. It was awful, but at least it was something."

"Even Shinra…"

"…They're all _dead_."

Izaya's brow furrowed, emphasizing the last word under his breath. He'd been accused of talking just to hear his own voice and always denied it, explained that what he had to say was incredibly important to humanity. But now, it was to hear his own voice; it was to hear _anything_ at all. The silence was deafening and at times his ears would ring, unnerving him greatly.

Izaya was sure there was at least one other person alive in the world. That, despite him accepting his status of The Only Person Left, there _had_ to be at least one more person. The entire country couldn't have been devastated; after all, he'd survived. And he'd found others who survived as well; though they were gone, if _he_ could survive for months, then surely someone else also could.

_I can't be the only person left._

He wasn't sure how long he had been driving for; he'd been wrapped up in his own thoughts that he had been driving wherever the roads and turns took him. Looking around, he saw that he wasn't in the city anymore. He was by a cliff, dried branches hanging and yellowed grass at the base. On his other side was the ocean and Izaya found himself staring, eventually halting completely. After putting the car in park, he got out, bringing with him his backpack and a weapon. He hopped the rail guard and sat down, childishly puffing his cheeks for a moment.

Opening a water bottle, he took a sip and recapped it tightly to avoid wasting any. His eyes were quick to notice movement in his peripheral vision and he was immediately on his feet, grasping the screwdriver tightly. He was quiet, listening to the scuffling sounds; surely the sound of him driving up and stopping had attracted attention, whether they were humans or zombies, and he was trying to decide which of the two it was.

Upon hearing moaning, Izaya knew that they were zombies. But he was still for about five entire minutes before he was beginning to grow suspicious; he heard scratching and sounds of struggle, but didn't see them. From the sounds of it, there weren't many. Hesitating a moment, Izaya began to move towards the sounds, pushing aside some dry branches.

Immediately, a decayed hand reached out towards him. But Izaya hardly flinched; he saw that there were three of them, but they were all stuck. There was a boat behind them and despite looking slightly worn, it still seemed to be in decent shape. Izaya sighed; he hopped down from his ledge and nonchalantly drove the screwdriver through their eyes, three quick and decisive stabs to kill them, surrounded by silence once again. Two men and one woman; he could only assume that they had been trying to escape when this all happened. He stared at the boat and frowned a bit, eyes lingering before turning to look at the water. There was an island and he couldn't help but wonder why they had been so adamant to go there. Judging by the bodies, they hadn't been zombies for long; he'd seen corpses much further in the decaying process.

_Is… there something there?_

Standing still, Izaya's head tilted. He made a split decision in thirty seconds; having nothing else to lose, he didn't see anything wrong with at least going to the island. He made his way back to the car and brought all the supplies he had with him, piling them into the boat. The keys were found on one of the corpses; Izaya was slightly amused at how little issue he had searching the pockets of dead, decayed bodies, but was pleasantly surprised to find them easily.

He was humming against as he put the key in the ignition, turning and hearing the engine rev to life. Taking a seat, he began navigating a bit slowly; he didn't have very much experience with boats, but it seemed relatively fine. The currents weren't too strong but the boat did rock, so he was much more cautious than he had been with driving.

The feeling of water splashing and getting on his arm was annoying, but Izaya kept his eyes focused on the approaching island, trying to visualize a map of Japan. He wasn't sure which island it was, but as he approached it, he didn't see zombies, which was always a good sign. He even saw a clearing and was relieved that he didn't stumble on some untamed tiny island in the middle of nowhere that would leave him more isolated than he already was.

Pulling up to the shore, Izaya stared up. With the engine turned off, he remained where he was for a few moments. He gave a sigh, shuddering a bit as he climbed out, careful to keep from stepping into water deep enough to wet his shoes beyond just the soles. He grabbed his backpack and slung it over his shoulder as he walked a further bit up the shore after pulling the boat as much as he could, keeping it from drifting away.

Despite the sound of the small waves lapping at the sand, it was quiet. Eerily quiet, just like the rest of Japan, but seemingly even more so; all the quiet had been unnerving, but this was especially so. Izaya supposed it was because he, finally, had no idea where he was. He tried to look around for landmarks but found none; the realization drew a small 'hmph' from his lips and he shook his head.

_I'll just set up somewhere to stay for tonight then. I'll look around tomorrow. Or maybe I should just head back…?_

He adjusted the backpack and turned around, gathering as much as he could. Folded blankets and food were put on top of one of the cases of water and he lifted it relatively easily, bringing it to further up on the shore, a safe, dry area where water wouldn't reach. He set it down and the backpack followed; a fisted hand hit at his lower back and he gave a small laugh.

"Ah… what an awful time for my back to start giving out. Shizu-chan would actually be useful right now."

Izaya had been planning on going back and getting the rest of his things, then using a rope to secure the boat to the nearby rock. He was planning on looking around to see if there was anything else to eat, wanting to conserve what he had. He was planning on making a plan; he was in new land and, in a way, it felt like starting over. He was excited, in a way; instead of half knowing, he now entirely didn't and Izaya had always delighted in the unknown surprising him.

With everyone gone, the RV gone, the apartment gone, it was time to start over.

"It's like a white slate," Izaya murmured slightly, smirking.

And then everything went black.


	20. hello again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "well, well… hello to you too."
> 
> "Yyu're just like a cockroach," they murmured, stepping out fully from the shadows and letting moonlight cascade over their features. "you just won't die."

**july 4, 11:34 a.m.**

Izaya woke up realizing two things:

That he had a headache, which wasn't uncommon. It was unfortunate, but given Izaya's lifestyle and habits, he'd almost gotten use to the dull ache, would even find it odd if he woke up pain-free. So that was fine.

And also that he was handcuffed. This was slightly stranger. Not rare, and not the first time, but a little bit alarming.

He noticed the headache first; eyes opened and sunlight instantly blinded him. He groaned and winced, closed his eyes as he tried to bring a hand to cover them for additional darkness. The sound of metal clinging rang out at the same time as Izaya realized he couldn't move the limb any further, stilling in surprise. Brow knitting, he turned stiffly when the pain subsided a bit to see his left hand cuffed to the metal pole.

And then the third realization:

He was in a bed.

A queen-sized bed with a mattress and freshly washed sheets to be precise, a luxury that Izaya had missed for more than a year, opting instead for hard cots and lumpy mattresses. Despite waking up feeling groggy, he realized his body did feel much better, comparing it to the contrast of how his muscles would ache and he'd never quite feel entirely rested when his eyes opened. It was a relief but also unnerving; Izaya stared blankly past his cuffed hand to the wall, still puzzled.

Trying to move a bit, he used his free hand to push himself up, wincing at the movements in a body that suddenly felt unfamiliar. Sitting up against the wooden bedframe, Izaya looked around the bedroom. It was bare but well-kept; aside from the bed, there was a desk and dresser, a layout similar to his own decorating aesthetic. His hand was still trying to steady himself when it brushed against his pants and realized another piece of a never ending puzzle:

He was showered and in clean clothes.

Someone had _showered and changed_ him.

_Now this crosses the line into being strange._

The grimy, dirty, blood-stained fabric had been stripped from his body, skin feeling clean and soft, something that had been incredibly rare ever since the day it went to hell. Izaya gingerly brought a hand up to his nose and cautiously smelled it, delicate lips pulling into a smallfrown. He looked around the room again, this time much more warily; something was strange.

A brush of his hand against his head alerted him of bandages; touching it gently, the dull pain seemed more appropriate. He recalled being knocked out after landing on the beach, his new memory providing more questions than answers. Eyes scanning the room quickly, he located his backpack in the corner, still closed and seemingly undisturbed. Immediately, Izaya straightened and went to pat his hips, tongue clicking when he realized his gun was gone.

Strange, unnerving, and suspicious. A bad combination.

When he heard the door click, his head snapped in that direction. A woman entered, humming jovially until she realized he was awake. Giving a startled jolt, she gave a gentle smile afterwards, hand on her chest. She sang an apology and opened the door again; Izaya could hear her say something but couldn't make out the words, deciding to continue watching her. She seemed relaxed, and he figured that if they wanted him dead, he would be.

But what was more important was that Izaya recognized her, the blonde hair and green eyes an instant giveaway.

_Emilia Kishitani._

"Hello! You've been out for a few days, how do you feel?"

"Peachy," Izaya answered dryly, watching as she approached him with an annoying pep in her step. His keen eyes were focused, suspicious of her movements, but he didn't pull away when she approached him. "…Kishitani-san."

Seeing her instantly made him think of Shinra and he couldn't help but linger on the memories before pushing them aside, focusing on his current predicament. She pulled out a thermometer and he opened his mouth obediently, eyes never leaving her as she took it out and gave a satisfied nod at the reading. She smiled at him. "Ah, Izaya-san, correct? It's good to see you!"

"May I inquire where my belongings are?" he asked smoothly, allowing her to listen to his heartbeat using her stethoscope. She started humming again while she did so, prolonging answering as she took his vitals. Izaya remained patient; the fact that masked men with guns hadn't come bursting in was certainly a good sign and from what he knew of Emilia, he doubted he'd be in any sort of immediate danger.

Probably.

Nothing was really certain anymore.

"They were taken from you!"

_Obviously…_

"May I have them back?"

"I'm afraid not!"

Keeping his smile as was, Izaya watched Emilia take a step back and pick up a clipboard, writing something down. He cleared his throat and purposely moved his chained hand, metal clanging against metal to draw her attention. In that case, may I be released?"

"I'm afraid not!"

Izaya's smile was becoming tighter lipped.

"Then... may I know where I am?"

She looked up, clicking her pen to retract the tip and smiled again.

"Yokoshima Island!"

_Finally, an answer._

Izaya gave a nod, exhaling slowly at the patience exerted in this incredibly strenuous conversation. He missed the quiet with Shizuo. Part of it was because of their relationship, but part of it was personality. Shizuo wasn't a big talker and Izaya didn't appreciate being yelled at, so silence wasn't uncommon.

At some point, Izaya realized, the silence with Shizuo felt comfortable.

Returning his attention to the situation, his eyes glanced around the room again, noting there was only one door and one window, curtains drawn with just one annoying and unfortunate crack. "And… why am I here?"

"You washed up on the shore!" she chirped.

"Is this… a sanctuary?" he hazarded.

"Yup!"

"And who else is here?"

"Many people!"

"And who is your, ah, leader?"

"Shingen!"

Emilia continued to bustle around him and Izaya found himself poked and prodded, lifting arms (as best he could) and opening his mouth when prompted. She took everything from saliva samples to blood pressure to temperature (a second time, Izaya noted) and remained cheerful while doing so. Izaya was patient throughout the ordeal, though finally hesitating when she asked if he'd seen her son.

Eyes choosing instead to look at the floor, he cleared his throat.

"Shinra didn't make it."

Freezing immediately, Emilia blinked a few times. "…I see," was murmured quietly and she looked down for a moment. When her eyes met his again, it was brief and her smile was less energetic. "...Well, I'm done! It appears you're more or less fine. Like I said, we're a sanctuary; there hasn't been a single zombie on this island and so we're relatively safe. Here is your apartment…" she pointed at a spot on a map. "We do hand out food, but we also have a local food pantry should you want to cook for yourself! It's rationed, but I don't think I've heard of anyone going hungry for too long! If you have questions, you can go here… and if you want to partake in keeping guard, go here and tell them you're interested!"

Nodding as she was talking and barely listening to what she was actually saying, Izaya waited until the handcuffs were undone. He massaged his wrist and continued to murmur his answers at her questions. While she was blabbering on, he glanced at the window again. It felt surreal to be sitting in a proper bed in a house that didn't seem like it was going to fall apart and not hear any groans outside. He heard chatter and laughter; he heard the sounds of _society_. He was hearing the people he loved and yet, he still felt as if something were missing.

_A world without Shizu-chan…_

… _Odd._

"I'll get your things then and you can be on your way! Ah, Shingen may want to see you at some point. I apologize for the way we greeted you! Can't be too careful nowadays, right? If there's any trouble, please contact Kinnosuke-san! He's been very helpful, but don't bring up Celty-san. It gets him quite worked up…" she gave a small smile that faded after a second. "...Have you…?"

"Celty's fine," Izaya murmured and Emilia gave a sad smile, nodded and hugged her clipboard to her chest.

"That's wonderful… I'm sure Shinra…" her voice trailed off and shook her head. "Well! I'll retrieve your belongings now! Don't worry, Izaya-san, you're not a prisoner here. The cuffs were simply a precaution!"

Izaya nodded and watched as she left, noticed that there was far less bounce in her step. His eyes narrowed and he looked over to pick up the apartment key she'd left him; the metal was cool to his palm and his fingers wrapped around it, giving a sigh, calling out her name just before she was about to walk out the door.

"Kishitani-san?"

She stopped and turned around with a smile. "Yes?"

"…I'm sorry."

Her eyes widened and Izaya had to look away; they were too reminiscent of Shizuo's.

Innocence.

Energy.

Life.

_Humanity._

"…Thank you."

**july 4, 5:29 p.m.**

Izaya's new apartment was located in a slightly run down looking two-story building. He guessed where he had woken up was the city hall (or acted as that), explaining why it looked pristine. After leaving what he decided was a makeshift nurse's office, he noticed the halls and doors were ornate. Great care had been taken to make it look presentable and he couldn't help but scoff.

Because it didn't matter and it seemed that these people hadn't fully grasped that.

He didn't mind the yellowing walls or slight water damage of his new abode; it was still a decent living space and although it reminded him of where he had stayed with Shizuo, the lack of imminent danger made it more attractive. It was quiet and the locks worked, so Izaya was satisfied with it. It was nothing compared to his high-rise apartments, but things had changed. He had changed.

While locating it, he had been able to scope out the area on his walk. He assumed it was a moderately sized community; what he saw from the walk from city hall to his apartment certainly wasn't everything, but he decided it would be an appropriate sample. Some buildings seemed to be original structures but some seemed to be new, others still in construction. People glanced at him, most giving a smile and nod that he'd reciprocate. A few stopped him and they held brief conversations, ended with handshakes and littered with good feelings. Izaya played along; he smiled back and chit chatted as long as they would want, smile slipping only when his back was turned to them.

Izaya was disgusted.

Everyone seemed fed and happy; people were out strolling and Izaya passed by a few construction workers, giving a polite nod of his head and brief smile when they greeted him. Maybe this was how it was in a small community, he thought. In Shinjuku and Ikebukuro, people hardly just greeted strangers so warmly.

This would take getting used to. The small town life was something he could adjust to quickly, but the _safety_ and lack of death every day at every hour was strange. It was what Izaya had known for months on end, this constant pressure and adrenaline rush that was responsible for his still being alive today.

Stopping when he found the complex, he looked up. It was of decent size, a moderately large building with he assumed five or six floors. It certainly wasn't anything as modern and pristine as the apartment building he used to live in in Shinjuku, but it looked sturdy and habitable.

"No… way…"

A familiar voice had Izaya's ears perking up and he turned. A smirk slowly spread over his features to see two people approaching him, one smiling and the other looking wary and suspicious, barely able to conceal his fear.

For the first time, Izaya was delighted to be approached by people.

"Masaomi. Saki."

His smirk widened.

"Hello."

**april 23, 2:14 p.m.**

" _Saki! Are you all right?!"_

" _F-fine…"_

_Sitting up with the help of Kida's arm supporting her back, Saki gave a tired smile. They had gotten out of the city by hitching a ride with some kind people who had room in their car, but traffic soon began to pile up when they were leaving the city. People were yelling and honking, but the noise served only to attract zombies. What Saki remembered next was Kida grabbing her wrist and pulling her towards the forest, yelling that they had to get out of there._

_She'd been mesmerized and stunned to the point of almost complete immobility at the sight of the undead rising, walking towards them and ripping flesh from bone. Teeth broke through skin and she hadn't ever quite thought about how elastic it would be until she was watching it and flesh being ripped from bone right before her eyes. Kida had to tug at her arm and yell several times before she could find the will to move, finally stumbling as she tried to turn._

_But her other arm was grabbed by a hand that felt too cold, skin that felt like it would come off far too easily. She screamed when she turned and saw that it was a zombie, its hair stringy and eyes nearly coming out of its sockets. Kida had a crowbar, smashing the zombie's skull several times before it finally let go and crumpled into a heap on the ground. Saki remembered blood splattering over her, but once she felt its grip loosen she was able to run away immediately with him._

" _Masaomi…"_

_Dizzy from fatigue and shock, she had stumbled along as best she could before everything turned black after calling his name weakly. She then woke up in Kida's arms, felt that she was laying on a makeshift bed of the blankets the two had brought. They were still in the forest and she realized that she had been moved to under some shade that a tree provided. Their backpacks were next to them and she shifted to look up at him, murmuring his name quietly for his attention. Her eyesight was still fuzzy and could feel Kida offering her water, based on the feeling of a bottle to her cheek. She accepted it and took a sip, though jolted a bit to hear 'how is she feeling?'_

_Sitting up, she assured Kida she was fine before turning to the other voices, rubbing her eyes to try to make them focus more quickly. She could see two figures and though her first instinct was to be suspicious, she trusted that Kida decided they were trustworthy enough to be with. "You're…"_

_The woman nodded._

" _My name is Varona. This is my partner, Slon. It is a pleasure to meet you."_

" _They found us while you were passed out," Kida explained, giving a tired smile. "They're good people, I think. Right?"_

_Varona gave a nod._

" _We have not been instructed to kill you."_

"… _Right," Kida said slowly, turning back to Saki. "And more people is better, right? So I think we should stick with them for now."_

" _Masaomi…"_

_Saki gave a nod and glanced at the two before turning back to Kida, looking concerned with a frown gracing her expression. Struggling to sit up properly, she reached a hand up to touch his face, her fingers cool against his warm cheek. "Are you all right? That zombie…"_

_She could see the hesitation; Kida's breath hitched and he looked away but only a moment passed before he looked at her again and smiled. His own hand came up to take hers gently, trying to instill more confidence into his smile._

" _I'm not running away anymore. I'm going to protect you."_

**july 4, 5:53 p.m.**

"And how did you stumble upon this island?"

"Probably the same way you did," Kida mumbled, looking away, fidgeting. Izaya turned towards Saki, noted her smile and much more relaxed posture compared to Kida. "We just wandered from place to place after… you know."

Izaya smiled. "Good for you, Masaomi, being able to survive. Anyway, I would love to talk for longer, but I'm rather tired."

Eyes lingering on Kida, Izaya's smirk threatened into the territory of sardonic for a brief moment, relaxing into a pleasant smile. "I'm sure I'll see you around."

Resuming his walk up the stairs into his new building, Izaya's fingers had grasped the handle of the door to enter the lobby when Kida's voice sounded again, holding in it some hesitant and worry. Back to them, Izaya's expression faltered and his brow knit, hands clenching inside his pockets.

"Oi, if Shizuo comes here too, don't mess things up, all right?"

The breath felt knocked out of him for a moment, but as soon as his heart beat again, he was smiling as he looked over his shoulder. "Ah, there's no need to worry about it. Sadly, Shizu-chan couldn't make it. Tragic, isn't it?" he finished lightly, lips twisting into a brief smirk at Kida's widened eyes.

This was the first time he'd told someone and couldn't help but feel a tinge of pride to be able to announce that he had killed Heiwajima Shizuo, the strongest man in Ikebukuro. Something that no one else had been able to do; he'd killed a monster, a monster, and now somebody knew.

"What? N-no way… even Shizuo-? By the-?"

Izaya shrugged.

"Monsters aren't the only ones who can kill monsters," he murmured lowly in a smooth drawl before entering the complex and closing the door behind him, leaving Kida staring in confusion.

New bounce in his step as he located the stairwell, Izaya opened the door and ascended the steps relatively quickly. They creaked under his weight, evidencing the older status of the building. When he reached his floor, he opened another door and wasn't the least bit disturbed by the desolateness of the hallway. Quiet was good, Izaya decided.

He hesitated.

Quiet while knowing there were others around was good.

Humming some tune or another when he located his apartment, numbered 128 just one floor above the lobby, he fished for his new key in his pocket. The door looked sturdy enough; it certainly wasn't anything compared to his state-of-the-art security system back in his Shinjuku apartment, but it would do quite nicely. It would provide privacy and probably at least muffle sounds from the hallway, which was all Izaya really could ask for nowadays.

After setting his things down, he took a quick look around the apartment, checked the sinks and shower and was pleased for _hot_ water. It was well furnished; he had furniture and sheets, even some basic clothing folded and hung in the closet. The kitchen had a few canned and dry goods as well as standard supplies such as china and utensils. All in all, Izaya was more than impressed; despite the community certainly not being small, they'd done a fantastic job at setting up apartments.

Human kindness was something Izaya had never been familiar with.

Collapsing on a couch, Izaya reached into his bag to take out his knife and gun. He used a freshly wet towel to wipe them off and marveled at how clean they looked. Standing afterwards, the towel was rinsed and wrung, hung in the bathroom to dry. He pocketed his knife and hid the gun in the waistband of his pants, already feeling more secure with the cool metal pressing to the small of his back.

He flicked on a light switch and smiled at electricity.

_Wonderful!_

Making a quick round to ensure the windows were all locked, Izaya headed out to explore the surrounding area and look for something besides crackers for dinner. It felt strange to be able to enjoy the nice day. For more than a year, nice days meant ideal times to look for food or hunt. Nice days didn't mean evening strolls among the living. Nice days didn't mean ambling about and _living_.

Nice days meant better chances of survival.

Everyone around him was so carefree and he wondered if he'd ever be able to reach that point again. Every sudden sound, no matter how small, had Izaya tensing, fingers curled and readied around his knife. But he'd look and see a squirrel or a kid who had given a piercing sort of laughter. All the smiling and laughter had Izaya's eyes narrowing, annoyance welling in his chest. These people had no idea what the world was like outside, he thought, absolutely no idea and would be the first to drop dead. They were too soft, too naïve, too weak to survive with the world as it currently was.

_Shizu-chan would've liked this, though. Quiet, peaceful, quaint._

_Ahh… he was even so close. Just a few more days…_

Stopping in the middle of his path, Izaya took a deep breath and closed his eyes. He swallowed thickly and opened his eyes only after he let his head loll back, staring up at the darkening sky.

_What's done is done._

Turning a corner, Izaya was met with a much busier and more bustling area. Shops and restaurants lined the street on either side of him, people standing around and indulging in pointless and idle chatter. Izaya took his time as he looked around to see a food pantry next to a small tailor shop. It was like they'd reverted to older times, he thought with slight amusement. Or maybe that was how this area are had been before the day it went to hell, one of those historical era villages that was well preserved, given it was an island.

It would be strange, but he could acclimate.

Orihara Izaya's number one skill was surviving.

Looking away from the pantry, Izaya stopped immediately and stared, eyebrow raising.

"…Russian Sushi?"

An amused smirk quirking one corner of his lips higher than the other, Izaya's long legs carried him across the street after a long moment and he entered the restaurant, familiar cloth panels in place of a door. "Welcome!" rang out as it always did, in that familiar baritone and accented voice.

"Nice to see you're still here."

"Ah! Izaya!"

He smirked and took a seat at the bar. "Simon."

Simon had always stood out and was easy to spot in a crowd. Even if he hadn't heard his voice, Izaya would've easily recognized him. He looked up from the bar and stared for a second before his expression broke into a smile, ushering him over with a hand. Izaya took a seat and could see Simon beginning to prepare his usual order, slightly amused he still remembered after more than a year. "Glad to see you're doing fine," he started, elbows resting on the bar.

"You too, Izaya!" Simon boomed, his voice loud in the small restaurant. "But of course you're okay, you're Izaya!"

"And of course you have another sushi place."

"Sushi is love!"

"Yes, yes, as you've said many times…"

Pleased to be served so quickly, Izaya murmured his thanks as his food was set in front of him and poured a bit of soy sauce before lifting one of the pieces of ootoro, closing his eyes as he let the taste melt in his mouth. It had been so long since he had sushi, much less _good food_ , and for the first time, he felt all the muscles in his body relax at the familiarity. Simon's question of 'good?' was returned with a nod and Izaya had had his second piece before looking up at him. "How long have you been here?"

"Four months!" Simon nodded. "Good island! Where is Shizuo?"

"Shizu-chan couldn't make it," Izaya said, the words coming out much more easily this time.

There was a beat of silence.

"…I see," Simon said, expression falling. "Anybody else?"

"Mm…" Izaya hummed, trying to decide on where to start. "Ah. I… saw Varona."

He finished his third piece.

"She won't be joining us."

"I see…"

Izaya felt like the bringer of bad news, informing people blissfully unaware of what was happening outside of their community of the deaths of their loved ones.

_How unfortunate. Oh well._

_Someone has to._

Simon gave another nod and sighed, turning away, leaving him to finish his meal in peace, mood visibly dampened. The fish touched to the soy sauce and Izaya was still pleased that they had fish. Having any fish would be miraculous but for it to be _fresh_ pleased him greatly. It seemed the little island community was doing quite well.

_It's nice for humans to exceed my expectations…_

His smirk was wry, his eyes were half-lidded.

_I love them after all._

He was about to start his last piece of sushi when another plate was unexpectedly set down in front of him. It was something that he'd never order, as it was far too sweet for his tastes, but he did know of one person who would always eat it, who always ordered it at Russian Sushi. The way ootoro was associated with Izaya, this was associated with that person. His expression darkened, corners of his lips curled down a bit as he looked up.

"Tamagoyaki for Shizuo?" Simon asked.

Looking slightly annoyed and ignoring the rising sense of guilt, Izaya nonetheless nodded and took the plate. "Wouldn't want to waste Simon's generosity," he said as he picked up a piece, dipped it lightly in soy sauce and took a bite.

Just as he expected, it was too sweet. But it was moist and airy, excellently made, which Izaya could say after putting aside his bias about the taste. The moment the egg met his tongue, his first instinct was to throw up, yet the reflex had nothing to do with the taste itself. It was too reminiscent; it reminded him too much, too quickly of Shizuo and Izaya almost couldn't swallow it.

But he did.

It immediately brought him back to a day during their time at Raira when he and Shizuo had coincidentally ( _actually_ coincidentally; Izaya really hadn't set it up) were at Russian Sushi together, forced to both sit at the bar with only one empty space separating them. Shizuo had been yelling at him, as usual, and holding a piece of the tamagoyaki in his hand. Izaya wondered if he'd shake all the rice off and be left with just egg and seaweed, the image actually widening his smirk widen.

Which, naturally, enraged Shizuo even more.

_That was a while ago…_

_Shizu-chan had always been such a nuisance._

Drinking the tea he had been given earlier, he waited until the slightly bitter taste was enough to wash away the sweetness to set his chopsticks down and stand, leaving the rest of the plate untouched. "Thank you, Simon," he said airily. "Unfortunately I have somewhere to be."

Nodding, Simon bade him farewell as Izaya left, his hands in his pockets. He took a deep breath as he began retracing his steps to his apartment, brow knit, fingers brushing to his knife as reassurance.

He regretted not eating the last piece of his food; the sweet taste would've been mitigated and it wouldn't continue to linger on his tongue the way Shizuo's memory on his conscience. Every step reminded him of Shizuo, every breath reminded him of Shizuo. Everything reminded him of Shizuo and he nearly stopped to slam a fist into the nearby tree, willing for any sort of distraction.

Eventually, he did stop. He leaned against a tree, felt the rough bark even through his shirt and gave a dry, caustic laugh.

_Shizu-chan, when you've departed this world, it's commonly courteous to leave those who still inhabit it alone._

**july 8, 9:13 p.m.**

It was almost boring.

Izaya didn't understand why; the place was bustling with humans, and yet he kept finding himself unable to focus on them the way he used to. He found a coffee shop and would sit there, leaning more towards tea than coffee nowadays. He'd always start off observing them, but his mind would always drift and instead of admiring them, he'd find himself annoyed. He looked at them with disdain; their innocence pissed him off, their laughter irritated him, their peaceful life left him uneasy.

They had it so easy.

He wondered if some of them had never even seen a zombie, only heard about them from the others who eventually joined them. He wondered if they even knew what was out there, or if they remained blissfully ignorant of what had happened to the world.

It wasn't fair.

_It wasn't fair._

But whenever his fingers would tighten around the ceramic, he'd take a deep breath and relax, allow his shoulders to fall.

_I love humans,_ he'd chant in his mind. _I love them, every aspect of them._

He'd taken to cooking; after eating out a few days and somehow unable to adapt to the way they made food, he stopped by the grocery store and bought what he needed. Tonight was different though; he decided to venture out, think that maybe if he talked to a few of the other inhabitants that his annoyance would lessen.

It didn't.

Strolling home, Izaya's hands were in his pockets. A few days had passed since he arrived and he'd spent them mostly walking around, reading, figuring out as much as he could without having to necessarily talk to people more than he wanted to. It was all about keeping busy; Izaya hardly lingered in his apartment, even took to reading outside for the background chatter. Silence was when his mind would start to wander, when he'd hear Shizuo's voice or see him.

Shizuo heading over to Russian Sushi.

Shizuo sprawling over the bed.

Shizuo glaring at Izaya and grumbling.

Shizuo falling asleep on the couch.

Shizuo seeing a dog and stopping to pet it.

Izaya wondered if there was something in the food to make him hallucinate.

_This is finally a world without Shizu-chan, but the brute's memory is ruining it for me._

His eyes narrowed.

_This isn't quite what I had planned._

Rounding the corner and heading up the stairs, Izaya gave a sigh as he fished his keys out. His plan was to actually sleep. After having been situated and scoping out the area, he installed new locks, locks that _he_ trusted, and decided he could afford a few hours of sleep. He'd gotten used to running on very few hours, but now that he didn't have to, he understood there was no need to continue to strain his body.

He hummed quietly under his breath and turned the final corner in the hallway. Even without looking up, Izaya saw a shadow in his peripheral vision. He made no sudden movements and casually swept his hand against his back, easily taking out the gun and raising it at the same time he looked up until he saw who it was.

"Ah. Masaomi."

Lowering the gun and adopting a smile instead, Izaya watched Kida relax, hand running through his blond hair and still regarding him warily after jolting and shoulder crashing into the door at the gun. "I apologize about that. However, you really shouldn't sit in front of people's doors so late at night. But how kind of you to come see me! Is there something you need?"

"Somehow I'm not surprised you have one of those… no wonder you're still alive," he mumbled, sighing as he stood. He dusted off his pants and smoothed his hair, averting eye contact as he patted down his bangs, still looking nervous and slightly worried. Izaya tilted his head, eyes quickly skimming the surrounding area to confirm they were alone.

"Saki isn't here?"

"No… no, she doesn't know."

An eyebrow raised at Kida's behavior. He hadn't seen him since that one brief meeting, but even since then, he seemed a bit paler and more nervous. Izaya wasn't one to pass up an opportunity to find out what was tormenting someone so and use it against them, but he was rather tired and looked forward to sleeping in clean sheets.

Things changed, people changed.

Humming again, he moved to step around Kida. "Well, if you'll excuse—"

"What's it out like there?"

Izaya's foot hesitated before it came back down to complete his step, though the other didn't follow, as per the natural process of walking. "…Excuse me?" he asked, voice slightly tense.

"I mean…" Kida swallowed, eyes darting at Izaya's gun, the outline showing through his pocket. "Saki and I… we got here pretty quickly. So we saw them but… only really from distances. Well, I killed one, but it was just one…"

"You…" Izaya frowned at him, "…All the way from Ikebukuro to here? Just one smooth journey?"

"We kept getting separated from people," he muttered, brow knitting and fingers grasping at his hair. "And we couldn't really get around well on our own. But after Varona and Slon, we met up with Mikage-san and…"

"Mikage-chan is here?"

Kida nodded and ran a hand through his hair. "I don't know about everyone else… like Varona and Slon because there was a horde and we got separated. I also don't know about Mikado and Anri. Do you…"

He looked up, trailing off, but Izaya just stared back silently and Kida swore, biting his lip and looking away. "Damnit… I should've…"

"Masaomi," Izaya sighed as he walked around him and unlocked his door easily, "there's nothing you could've done."

Just as his hand was about to turn the doorknob and open it, Kida shoved Izaya, element of surprise causing his slenderframe to stumble. He frowned as he watched Kida grasp the doorknob and pull the door shut, his golden eyes glaring furiously. "You don't know that! You can't just say stuff like that; sometimes even you're wrong-!"

"I'm not about this," Izaya sighed, recovering and tilting his head as he looked at him. "I know what type of a person you are, Masaomi. And though, indeed impressive that you and Saki have made it onto here without any major injuries, even you must realize most of that was pure dumb luck? You said it yourself. You traveled from group to group because the two of you on your own would have difficulty traveling. You kill one or two zombies on your own and you think you can survive? You're wrong."

Taking a step closer, Izaya's eyes were impassive as he watched fear flicker through Kida's eyes, past events clearly still haunting him.

"One or two is _nothing_ ," he murmured, his voice low. "Imagine an entire mob coming at you and all you have is a single weapon. Not even a gun, because that's too loud and attracts more, but just a pipe. It's just you against all of them and you're tired, but it's either fight to the death or be eaten. Imagine seeing people you knew, people you cared about come back as the undead. Imagine having to put them down again, tell yourselves that they aren't humans anymore, but it's their _face_ you're putting a bullet through, that you're smashing. Imagine seeing people break down over losing loved ones, going crazy and hardly able to keep it together. Imagine watching people die, not because of the zombies, but because of what this world has become. Imagine having to kill _humans_ because they've lost their mind, feel warm blood splatter all over you. Imagine killing and trying to justify it, but at some point it stops being for survival and you wonder just how far you've fallen. You kill one or two on your own and think you can survive? _You're wrong_."

Izaya was close enough to feel Kida's breathing turn quick and shallow, face visibly paling and eyes widening. He took one step back, then another, seemingly frozen to the spot. Holding his gaze for a few more moments, Izaya eventually got bored. He rolled his eyes and gave a dramatic shrug, sighing theatrically. "Haa... I didn't quite expect you to be scared that much, how unfortunate. I really should go out and buy some water, actually. I'll see you around, Masaomi. However, I did mean it when I said to please stop sitting in front of people's doors at night."

Stepping around the seemingly petrified Kida, Izaya was stopped only by a hand on his wrist. He was surprised at the action and even before he could turn to look, he heard:

"…Kill me."

Izaya didn't even blink. He'd heard the command before and turned to face Kida's profile, watched his shaking frame. Kida couldn't even bring himself to look at him; his eyes were focused on the same spot on the ground, fingers trembling even while still in contact with Izaya's skin.

"All right."

Retracing his steps, Izaya stood in front of Kida. He easily pulled the gun out of his pocket and raised it, barrel to between his eyes and just stared at him.

"You want to die?" he asked, Kida slowly raising his gaze to meet his eyes. "You want to give up, take the easy way out?"

"I don't want to live in a world like this," Kida rasped, swallowing thickly.

Izaya nodded.

Under normal circumstances, Izaya wouldn't kill someone just because they'd asked. He'd killed humans, he knew; he understood and accepted that. But he killed with reason. He killed with justification.

But he'd killed so many he wondered:

Does it even matter anymore?

What's another?

His finger curled around the trigger.

_Kill me,_ he heard Kida's command repeat in his mind.

_Kill me,_ he heard as his own command to Shizuo.

_Kill me,_ he heard as part of Shizuo's request, wanting to be killed instead of killing Izaya.

_Kill me, kill me, kill me._

And as he stood there in the barren hallway holding a gun to Kida's head and having been issued a command for a practiced action, he realized that he couldn't.

His breath hitched. He readjusted his grip and despite his expression, the internal turmoil was enough for his palms to begin feeling damp. He couldn't, he realized, he couldn't and he didn't understand why. He'd done it before and this was someone directly asking him. He'd justified ending the lives of others, and this would achieve the same goal.

They would all die eventually, and some wanted to be there sooner.

Was it because Kida wasn't dying already?

Was it because Izaya wasn't in danger?

Or…

_Maybe it's because you're feelin' guilty._

Shizuo's voice was baritone in his voice, loud and echoed in his mind, startling him. Izaya swore and took a step back, the gun falling to the ground. Kida jolted at the sound and seemed to snap out of his fear-induced trance as looked up in surprise. The two just stared at each other for several moments before Izaya cleared his throat, murmured 'go home' in as smooth a voice as he could. Hesitating for just a moment, Kida hurried off without another word, nearly tripping over his feet. Once he could no longer hear his footsteps, Izaya sank down against the wall, elbows on his knees and fingers grasping his dark hair. His eyes were fixated on the gun just inches from his feet and his breathing felt ragged.

His heart felt like it was pounding in his chest; there was a pressure on his chest Izaya couldn't pinpoint, one that left him breathless and shuddering, white flashing before his eyes, hearing _you killed me_ over and over, saw angry flashing brown eyes and unruly blond hair with brown roots showing. He could smell the stench of cigarettes and heard the sounds of metal scratching against cement, heard grumbles and swears, colloquial and casual speech. Saw black and white, a bowtie strewn about, ripped formal wear.

And then the pressure was around his throat.

He couldn't breathe. For a moment, Izaya couldn't breathe and he panicked. His hands went to his throat, feeling his own palm against his own neck, but the pressure didn't lessen. He curled his fingers to rake his nails against the delicate skin and only after a scratch that nearly drew blood did he manage a gasp of breath, sound echoing in the hallway.

For a moment, it felt like a pair of strong, calloused hands were around his neck.

He remained frozen for another moment before standing, bending down and picking up his gun. His hands were shaking as he switched the safety back on and hid it in the usual hiding place, long legs taking quick steps.

" _Whether or not you like it, Shizuo's definitely not just anyone to you."_

Kadota's voice was in his head before he could help it, his words searing his thoughts.

Eyes were narrowed as he went around the back of the building, careful to keep his footing on the downward slope of grass. This was an area he'd discovered on day two of exploring; that day had been solely devoted to learning as much as he could about the area surrounding the building. His steps were hurried until he reached the lake, shore hidden by grass and bushes. Izaya made his way through the shrubbery and was finally able to take a deep breath to see the wide expanse of water, moonlight reflecting on the rippling surface.

Inhaling and letting his chest expand, he let his head fall back.

In.

Out.

_In._

Out.

_Breathe._

By the time his eyes opened again, his heart rate was closer to normal. There were slight disturbances in the water from the wind, but otherwise it was peaceful. Izaya could hear the melody of crickets and other insects along with some background chatter of people still milling around.

_We're gonna save the world._

_We're gonna save the world._

_We're gonna save the world._

Izaya scowled. 'Rude' was the first word he thought, but even that was drowned out by a gruff voice and its drunken slurs. He shook his head and one hand came out of his pocket, palm to his forehead and fingers tangled in his hair. His brow knit and he swore quietly under his breath, heel of his palm pressing harder. "Stop it…" he breathed in something barely above a mutter. "Stop it, stop it, stop it…"

_He couldn't even save himself, how was he going to save the world?_

_Really, so naïve and stupid. He had always been like that. No rational thought, no reasoning, no logic._

His eyes narrowed.

_So idealistic._

His ears picked up a slight rustling and unsure if it was the wind or not, Izaya slowly lowered his hand, other one curling around his blade. He waited a few seconds but heard nothing else, relaxing a bit and dismissing it as wind.

And then he heard a voice.

"Somehow, I had an idea you'd be fine."

A familiar voice had Izaya tensing, though his fingers unfurled from his weapon as he smirked. The voice belonged to a person who was far from comforting but he knew they wouldn't kill him. Not right now, anyway; they didn't have an immediate motive.

Giving a short chuckle under his breath, he looked over his shoulder and smirked tiredly. Eyes had grown accustomed to the darkness and he could just barely make out a figure in the dark, still mostly hidden by the trees and bushes. Slim legs were unveiled from the shadows first and Izaya's eyes crinkled as his smirk widened.

"Well, well… hello to you too."

"You're just like a cockroach," they murmured, stepping out fully from the shadows and letting moonlight cascade over their features. "You just won't die."

His smirk twisted. They were looking at him the way they always did, tiredly and tinged with annoyance, but he could see the slightest trace of amusement. "What, miss me?" he asked mockingly, finding comfort in the scoff.

Tilting his head, he turned fully to face them, hands in his pockets.

"That's not a nice thing to say to your boss, Namie-san."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hahah in the chapter where namie left, someone actually predicted exactly what happened. and when i read their comment i was just 'am i really that predictable?' and yes. i am.


	21. i'm not like you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "i took the liberty of trying to wake you."
> 
> izaya looked in the mirror at his two red cheeks.
> 
> "…by slapping me on both sides of my face?"

**may 3, 9:12 p.m.**

_The gunshot rang out._

_Namie was impassive as she stared at Izaya, watched smoke emit from the barrel of the gun. A bullet burrowed into the ground next to her and though she hadn't been too amused at the fact that Izaya still insisted on shooting in her general direction, she decided this was one thing she could trust him with._

_Izaya wasn't a cold-blooded killer._

_That much was for certain._

_They stared at each other for a few moments of tense silence and when there wasn't even a stir from the trailer, Izaya nodded, lowered his head and took his finger off the trigger. Namie swallowed and returned his nod, dark eyes glancing at the door of the RV. She half expected Shizuo to come bursting through it; he seemed like that sort of person, but they weren't actually that close. Not close enough he was going to subject himself to seeing an expected corpse._

_She picked up the bag Izaya had prepared for her, filled with some medical supplies, food, and clothes. He handed her a duffel next, one filled with a blanket and pillow along with a few other things. He was silent during this and once she had both, he picked up a shovel, giving her a wry smirk._

_"Kindly leave us alone if you do come back, Namie-san. I have a feeling you'd be a particular pain to deal with."_

_She scoffed._

_"Asshole."_

_They looked at each other, gazes lingering, before Namie was the first to break it and begin walking, hearing Izaya begin to dig behind her. They'd taken a sheet, just as a precaution, and that's what he could bury. Small details like this probably didn't matter, as Shizuo wouldn't actually count how many sheets they had left, but it was all just in case._

_She hadn't been bit and Izaya had seen that when he was inspecting her. But she realized that this was her opportunity to disappear and Izaya had understood when she'd taken his hand, silently asked him to lie to Shizuo on her behalf. This was something she had to do; she couldn't keep going with him, not knowing where Seiji was. Maybe he was still in Osaka, but she didn't know. Or maybe he was elsewhere. She had to check; she wouldn't be able to relax until she knew she'd exhausted every single possibility._

_Shizuo was the problem; he wouldn't allow her to do this on her own and Izaya wouldn't allow her to force them to turn back. Izaya certainly wasn't pleased with the plan, but he knew how stubborn she was, knew to what sort of lengths she'd go for Seiji. He'd even dryly commented that she might actually kill both of them and turn the RV back around. She stared and informed him that the idea certainly had crossed her mind and he just smirked._

_So Izaya would be down a medical expert and Shizuo would up his level of emotional trauma, but Namie didn't care. Namie didn't care all that much about either of them. She only cared about Seiji._

_There had been a build up of cars a few miles back and so she began walking. Shizuo wouldn't get up for hours, as judged from how he dealt with deaths in the past, and so she knew that by the time he was up and looking around, she'd be out of his eyesight. She'd take a car, siphon some gas if needed, and go back to check every place she could. Izaya had given her two weapons, a knife and a crowbar, both of which she could use with relative ease. She'd picked up a thing or two while traveling with him about how to survive and it wasn't as though she had absolutely no idea how to defend herself. Growing up and willing to do anything for her brother coupled with being Izaya's secretary motivated her to learn._

_She had to do everything she could to try to find Seiji, after all._

_Namie gave a sigh, tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear before reconsidering. She kept walking as she tied her hair up, twisted it into a loose bun._

_And doing everything meant she couldn't worry about anyone else._

**july 14, 11:18 a.m.**

"I'm guessing you haven't found him."

Namie glared at Izaya. He smirked at her expression and she was annoyed that more than a year had passed but he still so easily saw through everything. He turned into the grocery store and she followed, walking far enough away that no one would be stupid enough to mistake them as tolerating each other, close enough to, unfortunately, appear that she _was_ with him. "Where did you go first?"

A few days had passed; it wasn't as though they were _dying_ to each other. She'd shown up and they exchanged a few words; Izaya teased her, pissing her off enough to leave him alone for a bit. But then he was loitering in the park where she was, so she decided to go over. It wasn't as though there was anything else and it wasn't as though she'd made friends she couldn't bear to leave.

"Osaka," Namie murmured and followed him through the aisles, her arms crossed over her chest. She watched the way he scanned everything over, wrinkled his nose and pulled slight faces. "Then to Hiroshima, stopping by wherever seemed plausible. And then here."

"How long since you arrived?"

"About a month," she said, frowning as she watched him begin to observe the different kinds of coffee. She couldn't help but think back to the RV, how she'd been subjected to that god awful instant stuff that Izaya somehow managed to drink without throwing up. Shizuo tried it once and Namie remembered being amused at the way he spat it out and was reprimanded by Izaya at wasting it.

_Shizuo._

She hadn't thought about it at first, but it was becoming much more apparent. Namie blinked.

"Where's Shizuo?

Izaya froze and had it been anyone but her, that moment likely would've gone undetected. Izaya neglected to answer and crouched to look at the brands on the lower shelves before standing, going back to the two he held in his hand. He was humming, head tilting and appearing in contemplative thought.

Namie's eyes narrowed.

"…He's… alive, isn't he?"

"Namie-san, which brand do you recommend?" he asked instead. Namie just stared; suspicion slowly edged towards surprise, finally settling on dread. The realization left her chest feeling empty and she wasn't sure if it was because it was the strongest man in Ikebukuro or because the second strongest one.

"You… killed him?"

Her voice wasn't angry. Surprised, definitely. Awed, likely. Horror was too strong of a word to describe it. There was an element of breathlessness and Namie almost flinched when he looked at her, giving a smirk that wasn't echoed in his eyes.

There had been a decent number of people when they entered the grocery store, but suddenly that aisle became her entire world and only she and Izaya were left.

"He was going to kill me," he answered quietly, holding her gaze before going back to his coffee.

Namie stood her ground and looked away, traced the outlines of the tiled floor. She could hear Izaya put down and pick up coffee, seemed a little bit too invested in which brand to get. She felt a bit lightheaded; she hadn't ever cared about Shizuo, not beyond a sort of 'we're surviving together, don't die' sort of way, but the news of his death left her a bit shaken.

It was just hard to believe that Heiwajima Shizuo was actually _gone_ and she couldn't decide if it was fitting or ironic that Orihara Izaya had done him in.

Maybe both.

"Was he… bit?" she asked finally.

"No," he answered easily.

Her eyes narrowed.

"…Sick?" she tried again.

"He was dehydrated," Izaya said quietly, glancing over with the same detachment in his expression and voice. "He was attacking me. Managed to fire before I passed out."

As far as Namie concerned, Shizuo was a better person than Izaya could ever hope to be and the loss of his life in exchange for the extension of Izaya's was extremely unfortunate. She hadn't spent very long with him and she wasn't one to be sentimental, but something about Heiwajima Shizuo got through to her. Something about him got through to many people; it was likely his naïve personality, his seemingly over simplistic view of things, his _kindness_ despite everything. He was a bit rough around the edges, blunt and short tempered, but he was a good person. He was a protector but also the sort of person people wanted to protect.

Or maybe it was her older sister personality.

Namie already had a dirt low opinion of Izaya and despite understanding the need to survive, she couldn't help but feel a bit of anger.

"Maybe you _should've_ ," she murmured, looking at him pointedly. "Am I supposed to honestly believe what you say? That you aren't skewing it?"

"And what does that mean?" he asked, sounding bored.

"Did you _really_ have to kill him? Or is that an excuse but you couldn't handle being dependent on—"

"Are you _god_ now, Namie-san?" Izaya sneered, cutting her off. "You can decide who should live, who shouldn't without being there, seeing what happened? This could be hard to believe, but it was _justified_."

"It's _not_. Nothing is justified when it comes to you. Nobody deserves to die if _you_ get to live."

Izaya's eyes narrowed.

"So you're saying… I should allow myself to get bit by a zombie if it meant me not killing it?"

Namie was silent for a moment, looked up and looked him straight in the eyes.

"Yes."

Izaya blinked, turned away and gave a ghost of a smile. _Well… now there are two reasons for her to be angry about Seiji-kun._ The slight outburst had receded and Izaya decided on which brand he wanted, put the other down and faced her. "Namie-san, that kind of delusion is what gets one into trouble… you shouldn't say things before knowing all the sides. You're not god. You can't play god."

"This is _you_ ," she said in response, eyes narrowing. "You've hardly been one to tell the whole, objective truth in the past and there's absolutely no reason for you to begin now. You—"

"People die," Izaya said suddenly, voice calm though his interjection was a bit snappy. "And others survive. It's how the world is and you should know that, Namie-san. You can't assume the rules of how the world used to be before it went to hell. Everything's changed. Things happen now that weren't acceptable before. Humanity's adapted for thousands of years to cope with their changing environments, and what makes you think it's not happening now? You may hate me all you want, but I refuse to put my _life_ at risk because _you don't approve_."

His eyes flit to her.

"Some people are better at surviving than others."

There was something different about him, she noted as she followed him to the register. She couldn't quite place it and there were times where she wondered if she was imagining it. But any sort of outburst was exceedingly rare from Izaya; the topic of Shizuo clearly had set something off and it was only because she'd known him for so long that she could pick up on it easily.

Shizuo had always been the one person to be able to elicit that from Izaya, even from beyond the grave.

Namie ended up following him to his apartment. Izaya had briefly mentioned Seiji during the walk there and she shut him down easily. He'd glanced at her to smirk. _"What if he's been dead this entire time, Namie-san?"_ She'd given him an icy glare that would've had most others falling to their knees but he just laughed it off.

He unlocked his apartment and stepped in. Namie followed and looked around.

"Empty, like your heart."

"Feeling better enough to crack jokes?"

Frowning at Izaya, Namie stood by the door as he went into the kitchen. She took the time to glance around and saw actual signs of him _living_ there. Namie was surprised; Izaya didn't seem like the type of person to settle down anywhere, especially here, but it seemed as though it were his case. It wasn't a bad place to stay, she had decided, but she still had Seiji to find.

She looked around and realized that while it looked situated, it was still empty. She had a reason to leave and based on the fact that Shinra and Celty clearly weren't here, Namie thought Izaya would as well. "You haven't found Shinra and Celty yet?"

"Shinra died. He was bit and turned. Celty left, probably to Valhalla."

There was an easygoing quality to his voice that Namie was surprised to hear, but she didn't say anything else. With Shizuo dead, Shinra dead, Kadota dead, and Celty gone, Namie wondered if there was anyone left who Izaya had a modicum of a relationship with besides her. The thought instantly elicited sympathy from her; at least she still had Seiji.

_He was always lonely, but now he's alone._

"So you're staying?"

She had changed her position to lean against the wall, arms crossed as she observed him. Izaya was bustling around the kitchen; she realized suddenly that she had never seen him behave like that. Usually she was the one who was doing so; he had her cook for him and bring him tea and coffee whenever he wanted. She didn't even know he knew how to cook. Maybe he still didn't. He probably did.

"I don't see why not," he said, giving a smile over his shoulder that she scoffed at. "The area seems safe, I'm being fed and given shelter. It would be silly to go back out, especially with such low numbers. Surely you're not thinking of doing so, Namie-san…?"

She sighed and pushed herself off the wall, walking over to sit on the couch. "Seiji's out there," she explained and picked up a book on his coffee table, wondering why Orihara Izaya, who kept his items in pristine condition, had such a worn copy. "Of course I'm leaving."

She flipped through maybe the first ten pages before realizing she'd read this before, having borrowed it from the original owner.

It was Shizuo's.

Her thumb ran over the cover one more time and thought back to the times she saw him reading it. He'd be on his bed reading one minute and when she looked back ten minutes later, he was asleep with the book over his face. She saw him reading it often and knew he must've finished it at least once, considering he'd lent it to her and she had seen multiple folds on the same page.

Izaya never folded his pages. It seemed Shizuo had reached page seventy one on his last reread.

"Of course I am," she said, setting the book down and frowning. "I can't just stay here while Seiji's out there, possibly alone. I have to find him."

"What makes you think he's alive?"

Izaya strolled over with an apple in his hand and Namie watched as he took a seat in one of the other couches, sitting across from her and biting into the fruit. Her eyes were narrowed as they followed his movements. "Because he's not dead," she answered.

She glared at Izaya's smirk.

"And how do you know that? What if he is?" Izaya asked, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees. "What if all your effort is for naught? What if you put yourself at risk and it's all for waste? What if you never find him? What if you've been deluding yourself this entire time, unable to consider even the _very plausible_ possibility that your precious baby brother is gone, that the only person you have left is me?"

Namie's nails were digging into her skin but she was careful to keep her expression neutral. It would be unusual for Izaya to _not_ piss her off; in a strange way, him continuing to do that was comforting. That one thing hadn't changed, that Izaya was still Izaya. Cruel remarks to test her reaction, as always.

"I won't know until I try," she said shortly. "I won't forgive myself if I try. I don't need you to come with me. I don't need your approval."

"So why tell me?"

"You asked."

"Did I?"

Mouth opening before closing again, as she knew better than to start an argument with him, Namie stood. She gave him another glare and curtly announced she was returning to her apartment, that Izaya wasn't invited, and she'd leave in a few nights.

Izaya's words didn't affect her. Namie's resolve was strong; she'd always had a stubborn determination that carried her far in life. She believed that Seiji was alive and so he was, until she was proven wrong. Her not seeing him didn't mean he wasn't alive; her not seeing him or his dead body simply meant that he wasn't at that specific location, that he hadn't _died_ at that specific location. Yagiri Namie believed in staying positive, albeit in a somewhat twisted, forced manner.

All she needed was hope that Yagiri Seiji was alive and she would be fine. She'd be entirely fine, able to carry on living, regardless of who died around her. As long as there was hope Seiji was fine, as long as her love still had hope, Namie was fine.

That was the kind of person she was. On one hand, she needed only one thing. On the other hand, that one thing was her everything. It was risky but it was how she lived and she had fared rather well.

Yagiri Namie was strong because of her unwavering love.

Slipping her shoes on, Namie reached a hand out to open the door. She hesitated and looked over her shoulder. In the time that passed, she knew she'd changed; her hair was longer, her body toner. But Izaya had changed as well; he was slimmer and paler, looked more tired and exhausted, though that twinkle in his eye was persistent and she didn't think she'd ever see him without it. He was stubborn, like she was, stubborn and the king of denial.

He had a hell of a will to live and casting aside absolutely everything else about him, _that_ was admirable.

"It must be lonely," she murmured in what was close to a sneer, "to not understand what it's like to _love_ someone."

Izaya raised an eyebrow and smirked as he leaned back, draped his arms over the back of the couch.

"It must be sad to lead a life of such delusion."

"You would know, wouldn't you?"

It wasn't the most creative of her remarks, she knew, but she didn't need creativity. It was entirely true and Izaya would have to utilize that denial she was attacking to deny it.

**july 15, 5:13 p.m.**

Izaya didn't want Namie to leave.

She was a vile, terrible, selfish, twisted woman but she was someone who Izaya did truly love.

She was _human_.

Of course, Yagiri Namie wasn't exactly the best person to love but, unfortunately, she had to do. Her existence would be enough. Just knowing she was there on that little tiny haven of an island was enough for him to keep from going insane; it didn't matter what Kadota had said, Izaya thought. He _loved_ his humans and in relative terms, it was still _love_. Love was love.

The people on the island were more or less absolutely boring. Most of them didn't seem to have an inkling of what it really took to survive; they honestly believed the grocery store not having fresh fish for a day was terrible. They thought the prospect of fewer vegetables with the upcoming winter was bad. They thought having to stay indoors more was the end of the world. They thought not having all the luxuries they used to was the end of the world. They thought the end of the world outside the island was also their end of the world.

Well, Izaya had news for them.

He hadn't seen Namie today, which wasn't a bad thing; it spared him glares and snappy remarks. He'd found out the total count of everybody here was about a hundred twelve; a rather sizable population in terms of having to learn names and become acquainted with, but an absolutely tiny little village.

Not wanting Namie gone left very conflicting feelings because Orihara Izaya loved all humans equally. He didn't value a single one over the others and if he did, Yagiri Namie certainly would not be the one who was that special. There was only one person who Izaya had ever separated from the rest but that was out of _hate_.

Leaning back in the seat of a restaurant he had picked at random, Izaya sighed and stared out the window. He wondered if she was leaving tonight; she said a few days but there was nothing stopping her from leaving earlier.

It was ridiculous. There were a hundred and twelve other humans here for him to love and the only thing that set Namie apart from them was that he knew her from before. That she had been out there with him, that she knew what the world was really like. That she wasn't living in the same delusion the rest of these people were. That looking at her was proof the past had happened and it wasn't just something he'd made up. That there had been Kadota, there had been Chikage.

There had been Shizuo.

"Hello."

Giving a pleasant smile to the woman who came up to take his order, he pointed to what he wanted and kept smiling as she nodded and left. He reached to take a sip of his tea when he heard a loud voice from outside, instinctively craning his neck to find it. It was familiar and he quickly placed it, confirming that it was Mikage when he saw her arguing with Kinnosuke over something (knowing it was her, maybe she'd destroyed structures of some kind.)

_Just like Shizu-chan._

The thought popped into Izaya's head with no warning. As soon as it did, his face darkened and he scowled. But his expression was back to neutral when the food arrived. He was quick with his meal, left crisp bills on the table and embarked on the way back to his apartment.

Though getting dark, dusk was still a time many were still out. Izaya narrowly avoided children running into him and saw several families out together, walking and laughing. As he left the main part of the town and entered the residential areas, it was much quieter and there were fewer people milling about.

But he did see one family grilling something; a plume of smoke was what caught his attention first, the delicious smell following after. Eyes focused on the meat (he couldn't tell what it was from this distance) but immediately he thought of Shizuo again, as much as he hated to.

He had been the one who carried the game back, for obvious reasons, the one who would cut it up appropriately, though Izaya had to teach him first. One slice from Shizuo was all it took while it took Izaya several attempts with the knife. Izaya remembered taunting him, asked how he felt eating cows. Shizuo just stared at him.

_"How do you feel eating fish?"_

_"It's not as if fish produce milk for me to drink…"_

_"Yeah, well, you eat salmon and their eggs, don't you?"_

_"I'm more of an ootoro sort of person…"_

_"That's not the fuckin' point!"_

_"Shizu-chan, don't wave the knife around. That's mean."_

_"YOU'RE MEAN!"_

_"Resorting to elementary school insults, are we?"_

Shizuo had angrily thrown around their catch that day on the makeshift table from wood while Izaya sat nearby with a book. He claimed fatigue and Shizuo just grunted; he probably didn't believe him, but he also didn't seem to mind. Izaya's dark eyes had watched him impassively prepare the cuts of meet; his work was sloppy, but it was effective and Izaya wasn't expecting gourmet food.

Just the fact that they had meat was more than enough for him. The scarcity made it more delicious and now that Izaya had it readily at his disposal, he was back to his terrible diet of rice and coffee, vegetables and meat only when he could be bothered or someone prompted him.

_Shizu-chan would've loved this place._

His eyes lingered on the barbecue for a moment longer before he turned and continued heading back to his apartment.

_It's a shame._

Glad to see no more obstacles barring him from his new home, Izaya unlocked his door and stepped inside. His shoes were slipped off in favor of his slippers and he locked all three of the locks, skimmed the apartment and was very, very still to see if he could pick up signs of anyone having broken in.

 _Honestly, maybe I'm a bit paranoid,_ he thought with a quiet little laugh, going to wash his hands. _Truthfully, though, Shizu-chan was very useful. The brute kept his word and nobody would be stupid enough to try to fight him… what a shame, what a shame!_

_If only he hadn't been so stupid to not ration his water and food. How many times did I tell him! Far too many! It's his own fault he got himself killed. It was entirely self-defense._

"Was it?"

The last two words were spoken in a different voice. Izaya's heart nearly jumped to his throat and he turned around in his bathroom, one hand immediately reaching and unsheathing his knife to hold it in front of him protectively. He felt dizzy from the sudden, quick movement, and had to take a moment to wait for his vision to clear. But he was able to discern a figure standing in front of him; the layout of his apartment allowed him to see nearly everything from just the bathroom. Someone stood in the living room and approached him, but their hands were in their pockets, seemed to present no immediate danger.

But what had Izaya's blood running cold was the blond hair that emerged from shadows.

_…Again, really? Damnit, Shizu-chan._

"Was it really?"

Heiwajima Shizuo in the flesh.

 _Again_.

Losing composure for a moment, Izaya faltered. But his knife was held to Shizuo's chest, the man stopping once the blade touched to his shirt, the same one he wore the day Izaya had killed him.

Izaya had that image burned in his mind. He could remember dirt piling up on him, could remember Shizuo then appearing in the seat next to him. He'd dismissed it as fatigue and stress, but hadn't expected it to happen again.

It made him nauseous.

"…Shizu-chan," he said slowly, clearing his throat. "What a pleasant surprise… did you use your monstrous strength to break down my door?"

"You really think it was self defense?" Shizuo asked him, voice low and serious. "You go to sleep every night okay with that? Think "yeah, it was self defense, I'm innocent." You fuckin' shot me through the _head_ , Izaya. You're going to say you didn't even try anything else? Didn't even think of it?"

"Survival of the fittest," Izaya murmured, voice edging on snarling. He stepped around Shizuo to quickly leave the bathroom, but the moment Shizuo was behind him, another person was in front of him.

"Hey."

"…Dota-chin."

Taking a slow breath to calm himself yet managing to give that easygoing smile, Izaya closed his knife and put it back in his pocket. It was obvious he was hallucinating; people didn't come back from the dead as themselves. They just didn't. Maybe he needed more sleep and water. Definitely that. Izaya decided to treat himself to some well-deserved rest.

_I deserve some rest._

"Yeah, killin' people's exhausting, isn't it?"

"It's not nice to read my mind, Shizu-chan…" Izaya mumbled, already getting annoyed at this hallucination. "Why is Dota-chin here? Are you going to haunt me too?"

Kadota shrugged.

"You're the one who's seeing things."

Kadota had a point.

Frowning, Izaya's arms crossed over his chest. His gaze lingered on Kadota for a moment longer before he retreated to the couch and took a seat. One leg crossed over the other and his arms draped over the back of the cushions, head following. "Well, Dota-chin, you're free to go. After all, you and I did reach an agreement about your death. Shizu-chan, though… talk about _obsession_ …"

Kadota sighed. "The irony is strong right now."

"Hah? What's that mean, Dota-chin?"

"You didn't even _try_ to save me!"

Annoyed, Izaya's eyes opened and the first thing he realized was that Kadota was gone. That was a relief. If his hallucinations were linked to levels of guilt, then at least Izaya had _some_ sort of control.

Anyone could lie, but the best are the ones who believe their own.

Kadota being gone didn't necessarily meant Shizuo was as well. He blinked when he heard footsteps and sighed. Evidently, Shizuo was still here. Izaya wondered if hallucination Shizuo would still throw furniture at him. Would it be actual furniture? Most likely not. It would be hallucination furniture.

_Great, now I'm going to be making up furniture too._

"Shizu-chan," Izaya called out, annoyed at his own subconscious right now, "you were _strangling_ me and we both know in terms of physical strength…"

"There was a shit ton of stuff you could've done instead of _killing_ me!" Shizuo roared and Izaya clicked his tongue, now more annoyed that his hallucination lacked logic. "It's not like I had you pinned down! You could've escaped! You could, shit, I don't know, waited until I passed out? Trapped me? You've gotten out of worse situations without a single goddamn scratch on you but this time you just decide to _shoot me_?! _Kill me_?! Who the fuck made you god?!"

"Nobody _made_ me god," Izaya explained. "I _became_ god."

"What kind of bullshit answer is that?!"

Izaya sat up just in time to feel Shizuo's hands come down on the back of the couch, his fingers dangerously close to where Izaya's shoulders had been. He was on his feet in seconds, twirling gracefully to face him again. "Shizu—"

Izaya stopped. His eyes immediately went to the blood dripping from Shizuo's forehead, his blond bangs stained dark. His throat felt dry and his eyes were wide as he stared at him, as Shizuo, who had looked fine, was morphing into the Shizuo from the _seconds_ before Izaya shoved him off. Shizuo, with blood dripping down his face. Shizuo, with unruly blond hair. Shizuo, with crazed eyes.

Shizuo, _angry as hell_ and then Shizuo, _cold and dead._

"You didn't even _try_!" Shizuo yelled and started advancing on him. Izaya immediately began to stumble back, unable to tear his eyes away from the blood dripping onto his carpet. "You just fuckin' shot me! You got what you wanted in the end, huh?! Me dead? So how's life workin' out for you, you fucker?! Are you happy now? You can sleep every night, satisfied with what you did? You _took my life from me, Izaya_! Do you even care about anyone else?! I should've known you were goin' to betray me! Fuck, and here I was, actually _trustin'_ you!"

"Now, Shizu-chan, I didn't…"

"You fuckin' did!"

"You were _strangling_ me. We were both exhausted; Shizuo, it was either you or me—"

" _YOU KILLED ME, YOU BASTARD!"_

"Yeah, Izaya. You did."

Flinching, Izaya jerked forward when he felt a hand against his back. His knife was brandished and held in front of him again as he spun around, saw Kadota standing there. The tip of his knife had brushed against something but there were no signs of injury on him. Izaya's hands were shaking, he noticed, but he tried to keep the fear from showing his eyes. There was blood on Kadota too, he saw, a single bullet wound and blood dripping down his face.

He took a step back. "D-Dota-chin, you _wanted_ …"

"Then why am I here?" he asked. "You can't pretend you don't care about anything, Izaya. You're human. Yeah, I asked you to. But you still did."

"I never…"

"Never what? Killed us?"

"Pulled the fuckin' trigger and thought only about yourself?! Didn't consider another option because, fuck everyone else, as long as you live, it's okay?!"

Both of them began talking at once and Izaya stumbled backwards, unsure who to look at. Their words began to blend together and all he could focus on was the red dripping down their faces, heart thudding in his chest. His breathing was beginning to feel labored as he slowly backed up until he found a wall to press against.

"You _killed_ me, you lousy shit!"

"Sh-Shizu-chan, stop coming up with these ideas…"

"Actually…"

A new, third voice.

Izaya turned again and this time it was Shinra, breath hitching. _Shinra? I didn't even… I tried to save…_

"I know! Thanks for cutting off my arm, Izaya!"

… _Damnit._

"Izaya, you have to be honest with yourself, you know," Shinra said, stepping forward. Immediately, he used his knife to try ward Shinra off but he continued to approach them. Crimson eyes were wide as he watched the metal just pass through Shinra, leaving not even a scratch, yet his hand was very solid with a very real feeling weight on Izaya's shoulder.

"You're so sad, Izaya," Shinra sighed with a sad frown. "You're lonelier than anyone and you're more afraid than anyone. And worst of all, you can't even admit that, not even to yourself. The entire time I've known you, you've talked about how you hated Shizuo and how you wanted him dead. And now that he is, look at what's happening."

Maybe it was because of Shinra, or maybe it was because Kadota and Shizuo had quieted down. But Izaya's heart rate was returning to normal and he could breathe again. Taking a final deep breath to calm himself, he straightened, giving a smirk. He took a step to the side after shrugging Shinra's hand off, waving a hand. "I don't know where you could possibly be getting these ideas," he said airily, looking around and brow knitting. He wasn't face them, but knew Shinra was behind him. Then when he turned to face him, he saw the others all standing behind Shinra, all quiet, all glowering at him.

Shinra tilted his head.

"…But Izaya, we're hallucinations. We don't have minds of our own."

Shinra blinked.

"…These are all of your thoughts."

_"Wake up, idiot."_

Izaya jolted awake and the first thing he felt was cold.

He realized quickly why: he was laying on the bathroom floor.

Stiffly, he tried to sit up but a pounding headache slowed the process. One hand was on the ground to support him as the other was to his head, brow knit and giving a slight groan. His knees were bent, though felt stiff when he moved them, and his fingers flitted along his scalp until he found a sensitive spot. The voice that had stirred him was a feminine one and so he had no trouble tracing it back to Namie.

Turning to look out of the bathroom, he saw her sitting on the couch reading a magazine.

"Namie-san," he asked, voice hoarse, "how did you get in?"

"It's a mystery, isn't it?" she drawled sarcastically.

_…Did I lock the door…?"_

"I came in and you were passed out on the bathroom floor," Namie explained calmly and Izaya nodded, slowly standing with a hand on the sink counter to help steady himself.

"I took the liberty of trying to wake you."

Izaya looked in the mirror at his two red cheeks.

"…By slapping me on both sides of my face?"

Namie turned a page in her magazine.

"How could I pass up an opportunity like that?"

Frowning at the red marks on his face, Izaya decided not to linger on it. He moved slowly to the couch, limping a bit and trying his best to ignore the dull headache. Namie's eyes flitted up from her magazine as she watched sit down, looking very dryly amused as he swore quietly. She stood and returned moments later with a bottle of water, setting it next to him.

"You need to eat and drink properly."

"It would have been kind of you to tell me _before_ I passed out."

She went back to reading and after drinking half the bottle, he could feel her watching him silently. He wondered _why_ she was here, but didn't quite have the energy to question it and made a note to add more locks, just in case three weren't enough.

_At least Shizu-chan wouldn't slap me. He'd fret quietly._

He remembered his hallucination.

_Never mind. They're both awful._

"You haven't left?"

"I said a few days. Not the next day. But something came up, so I think next week."

"I see."

"What happened?" she asked finally.

Izaya's hand froze in midair, having gone to pick up his water again. He relaxed into an easy smile for her, could hear her sigh, accepting that she wouldn't get what she wanted.

"Just had a little nap."

**july 18, 10:48 p.m.**

As it turned out, Namie wanted her book back, which is why she went through the ordeal of breaking and entering Izaya's apartment. But Izaya could be more displeased; after all, she had found him and, if things had gotten worse, probably would have helped him.

Or waited for him to die and find her book herself.

Rifling through his belongings, Izaya was taking things out, organizing into different piles, such as laundry or trash, keep or hide. He didn't have very many things and so the process didn't take long, though Izaya did end up lingering on certain objects.

The spare bullets, for one. He made sure to count them.

His old jacket. He'd thrown most of his original clothing away, as it was dirtied beyond salvation, but somehow he couldn't let go of his signature fur trim coat.

And then a book.

Izaya turned it over in his hands a few times; it hadn't been Namie's because he'd left the books in one corner and told her where they were to pick them up. The cover was worn, edges slightly bent, some pages a bit ripped and yellowed. Izaya began flipping through it to try to get an idea of where he'd picked this up when a receipt fluttered out.

He reached out to pick it up and one look at it placed the owner immediately:

A receipt for three gallons of milk.

Immediately, Izaya felt cold and he looked at the book like it was a bomb. Memories of events from a few days ago, left him feeling just as unsettled as then. But just as quickly as the feeling started, he put an end to it. The book was immediately moved to the trash pile and he stood, scowling, slightly annoyed that Shizuo had multiple books.

"Well, I think that's enough organizing for today…"

His eyes lingered on the worn out copy for a bit longer and unwanted memories started surfacing regarding it. It had been what Shizuo was reading when he first saved him, it had been what Shizuo read during the long rides when it was quiet. It had been what Izaya had picked up once out of idle boredom, thumbed through it before setting it down to not incur Shizuo's wrath.

_Stupid book._

A knock at his door broke him from his trance and Izaya's steps were quick as he retreated from his bedroom. But once he was close to the entrance of his apartment, they slowed down and he walked silently, making sure the visitor wouldn't be able to see the shadow of his feet from under the door as he craned his neck to look through the peephole. Seeing dirty blond hair, Izaya smirked. The three locks were undone quickly and he opened the door, though not fully and leaned against the doorframe.

"What can I do for you, Masaomi?"

The boy was quiet; he stood a bit away from Izaya's door and didn't look him in the eye though he kept fidgeting. Izaya was tired but Kida's behavior was slightly intriguing; clearly something was bothering him and Izaya loved finding out what bothered people. He posed his question again and raised an eyebrow. "Ah… should we have another repeat of the other night? My my, Masaomi, you just love taking the easy way out, don't you?"

"Sh- _shut up_!"

This was fun for Izaya.

Kida's movements were slow and stumbled, so while Izaya had the time to move out of the way, he didn't and just smirked to see a gun raised clumsily to point as his head. He assumed Kida must've found it somewhere or swiped it from one of the officers because it definitely wasn't his. Nonetheless, Izaya wasn't too worried.

"Masaomi," he drawled, "you may want to turn the safety _off_ …"

"St-st-stop talking! I'm… I'm going to do it! I'm going to…!"

"Kill me? Please do."

This was amusing. Of all the things for him to do, Izaya never would've imagined Kida to actually have the courage to come and try to kill him. Unless he set it off by accident, though, Izaya knew he wouldn't have the guts to. It took a certain kind of person willing to cross certain lines to kill and Kida wasn't that kind of person.

That he was sure of, so this was just plain _fun_.

Izaya's smirk twisted when he heard a click. A sense of exhilaration coursed through his body and brought a spring back into his movements. Izaya stepped out into the hallway, watched with amusement as Kida stumbled back, and closed his apartment door behind him quietly.

"Well?"

"S-stop talking!"

Izaya's nose wrinkled; he caught a whiff of some sort of alcohol (most likely whiskey) and nodded, mouth open in a silent _'ah_.' "Makes much more sense now…" he said quietly, tilted is head and smiled again.

"Aren't you going to do it? You hate me, don't you?"

"Y-you were going to kill m-me! And… you might! I have to do this, I have to… We're not _safe_ with you here!"

"Are you sure? Or are you making excuses?"

"I said…!"

"Will killing me make everything better?" Izaya purred. "Will it make up for what you did in the past? Will it make up for you asking _me_ to kill you? What would Saki say to that? Will it make you feel better? Will you be able to live with yourself and what you've done?"

_So much fun._

Kida's arms were trembling terribly and if anything, Izaya figured he could possibly die from an accidental discharge. But still, he wasn't worried. He remained still and stared at him, wondered if Kida would actually have the nerve to carry through his intentions. Maybe he'd changed since the Kida Izaya knew. If he did, Izaya would be pleasantly surprised; if he didn't, then Izaya would be right. It was a win-win situation.

The younger boy's arms shook for a bit longer and, for a moment, he thought he was going to pull the trigger. But as quickly as that resolve showed itself, it was gone. Kida's arms fell and the gun clattered to the ground between them, skidding a few feet away. He stumbled back until his back met the wall opposite to Izaya's door and he slumped down against it, knees propped up. His hands came to grasp his hair and Izaya gave a small frown. _Boring…_

"I can't…" he rasped. "I… even if it's you, I just… I can't _kill_ someone…"

Izaya hummed.

"'Even if it's me'?" he echoed. "Rude."

"I'm not like you…"

Kida was still for a bit longer before he stood slowly, head bowing and leaving quietly. Izaya watched him for a bit and looked both ways down the hallways before picking up the gun and retreating to his apartment. He took the weapon with him to his bedroom, slipping it under his pillow and laid down.

Giving a languid stretch, he sighed. It had been so long since he'd had a proper rest in a proper bed like this; as he relaxed, he could feel his muscles ache, unaccustomed to being taken care of like so. His eyes closed and he turned onto his side, sheets pulled up to his chest.

_I'm not like you._

Kida's words rang in his head. Not like him? _Not like him?_ Certainly Kida and Izaya had little in common, but Izaya still found those words uncommon. Kida didn't _know_ what Izaya had to do to survive. It wasn't as if Izaya went and put bullets in innocent heads on purpose. It was for survival.

 _I'm not like you_ really meant _I wouldn't do anything to survive like you_ so, really, it was a compliment.

Izaya yawned, clicking his tongue and frowning nonetheless.

"Rude…"

He closed his eyes and then opened them again, almost surprised that his half lidded eyes didn't see Shizuo standing there, ready to yell at him. He thought that if anything were to trigger the hallucination, it would be this. Maybe ' _fuck yeah, not like you!'_ or _'see what it's like to having a gun pointed at you?!'_ to start off the conversation, but it was quiet, it was dark, it was just Izaya alone in his room.

He sighed dramatically.

"Oh, so it's at _his_ volition? Well, that's just annoying."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haha, this fic was supposed to have 23 chapters and end on april 23rd. i don't think i'll be able to end it within the next two chapters, so at least i can do the update on april 23rd part.


	22. goodbye, farewell, so long

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "in the end, are you glad you knew?"

**july 24, 12:19 p.m.**

"I never did ask how you knew my address."

Izaya had woken early that day again, unable to sleep for too long. He'd taken up strolling; it was relaxing and also enough movement to satisfy his new fidgeting habits if he was still for too long. There were still times where he'd flinch a bit too violently at something and realize it was just some kid playing, and he'd unfurl his fingers around his knife. Safety was still a foreign feeling. He still found himself looking over his shoulder at every sudden movement and unable to _really_ sleep at night. Despite having an actual bed and actual sheets, Izaya had slept better the times he did when Shizuo was around.

Hallucination Shizuo sitting in his room did not count. That just made it even harder for Izaya to sleep.

Shizuo was a nuisance both alive and dead. The hallucinations came sparingly and Izaya decided to not mention it in his occasional conversations; who knew what the island would do to people who came in from the outside and were seeing things? Izaya doubted they knew very much about the virus, would claim he was lying if he explained he was immune, and just off him because they thought his hallucinations were due to the infection.

So Izaya just ignored them as best he could. Kadota and Shinra showed up about equally often, but it was Shizuo who was there a bit more often, who was the one Izaya had the most trouble ignoring. He'd snap at him that he was only there because of his own guilty conscience, and Izaya decided he didn't like his own guilty conscience very much. Ignoring Hallucination Shizuo was impossibly difficult.

And yet, he tried.

"You think I didn't pick up a thing or two working for you?"

Izaya's eyes lingered on Namie for a moment as she turned another page in her book before he took a seat next to her, noticing that she didn't shift to be further. That was clearly a milestone in their still rather bitter relationship.

Smirking, he draped his arms over the back of the bench. His morning stroll ended up an afternoon one; Izaya hadn't realized he was ambling around for so long until he saw Namie. She didn't look pleased when he announced himself, but she didn't actually look pissed off either.

A true accomplishment.

"And it boils down to me and my loyal secretary…" he breathed, sighing and shaking his head before looking over. "If you also take a walk in the park at this time, I may have to come by earlier…"

Namie scoffed. "I'm leaving tonight," she said monotonously, not bothering to look up at him.

She happened to miss the way Izaya's body stiffened at her announcement. His fingers clenched, nails biting into his palm, and he swallowed thickly. Izaya had all sorts of people with different motives come to him, and the one that Izaya had always been the most perplexed about was _I need that person to live._

Especially when it didn't involve romance.

Because Izaya saw people go to great, and stupid, lengths for love. He'd witnessed it in so many different forms that he more or less had accepted it was the human condition.

But when it didn't involve _love_?

When it was plain and simple 'I can't live without them' and 'I need them to survive?'

He never understood it.

Until maybe now.

Familiarity was soothing and dependency was a bitch.

He cleared his throat. "Ah… I see. Are you certain?"

"I've wasted enough time here," she announced, closing her book and looking at him with a frown. "Seiji's still out there waiting for me. He could be in danger."

Izaya gave a hum, feigning a nod of understanding. Namie shifted to slip her book back into a purse (had she taken the liberty of going "shopping" during these past few months?) and watched her with half lidded eyes as she stood. She checked the area to make sure she had all her belongings before beginning to walk off without so much as a farewell to Izaya.

Gaze lingering for another moment, Izaya stood and followed her. He strolled casually; long strides made it easy for him to catch up with her. Izaya gave a cheerful smile as he looked at her. "Namie-san… you're awfully optimistic."

"If I have to deal with nothing but hope, I might as well make the best of it."

Izaya raised an eyebrow at her surprisingly optimistic remark, looking ahead and following her to what he assumed was her apartment. The walk was quick, though to be fair their paces were brisk, and Izaya waited patiently as she unlocked the door and slipped in behind her. She finally turned to face him after setting her purse down with a slight glare.

"… _Yes_? You want to come along?"

"Namie-san, have you missed my delightful presence?" he asked. But her glare made it evident that she wasn't taking any of his jokes that day and he gave a languid shrug. He took the chance to look around the apartment; it was small and clean, much like his own, and he could still see most of her belongings out. She hadn't started packing, he decided, and felt himself relax a bit.

"Ah, unfortunately I'm _not_ … I've had enough of looking over my shoulder and fearing for my life. Twenty-six years of it, actually…"

She scoffed.

"Another week here and you'll have enemies. Just like how it always was."

She turned and headed into her bedroom, where Izaya followed, arms crossing over his chest. He watched her open the closet and begin to pull the clothing off the hangers, leaving them clattering against each other. She moved a bag from the floor onto her bed and began to fold the clothes up silently, rolling them up, something Izaya had actually taught her. There were times where they'd need to leave, so in addition to pay, Izaya also offered tips on how best to travel.

Namie hadn't been pleased at the time, but she was probably finding those bits of advice useful right about now.

Izaya leaned against the doorframe; watching her gave rise to an uneasy feeling. His fingers kept fidgeting, but he refused to let it show on his face. Izaya hated admitting that he needed someone. It made him feel weak and vulnerable; he hated the feeling of dependency.

Which was a good thing that he _didn't_ need her. Izaya didn't need anyone, especially someone like her, and could easily feel fine and settled on his own. If anything, he did have Kadota, Shinra, and Shizuo. He even only saw them every few days, like how he ideally would want.

But, _well_ , surely having Namie around couldn't be that awful.

Half-lidded eyes watched her impassively.

_If she's leaving because of the hope Seiji's alive…_

_Mm… well, what do I have to lose?_

He refused to let _I need her_ become even a thought.

Because he _didn't_. It was just _nicer_ to have her around.

"What if he's dead?" he asked, head tilting and looking at her.

Orihara Izaya was very good at navigating his way around on thin ice and Yagiri Namie, when it came to Seiji, was the thinnest of ice.

"Why do you keep saying that?" Namie snapped, glaring at him. She turned back to her clothes and resumed packing, folding and rolling, movements as calm as ever in comparison to her annoyed tone. "Unless I see his corpse…"

"There is no corpse."

Mouth still open from being interrupted, Namie closed it slowly and turned to Izaya. Her brow was knit at his interruption; Izaya was always saying shocking things to test people's reactions. He was leaning against the door, his hands in his pockets and an ankle crossed over the other as he looked up. Izaya typically held a certain glimmer of playfulness, whether in his tone or his eyes. But he was just looking at her, his voice monotonous and quiet.

She swallowed.

Izaya _always_ said shocking things to _test_ people's reactions.

"What do…"

"Seiji is dead," Izaya said quietly, announced it casually. As the words voiced themselves, he gave a sigh and looked up, head touching to the wall behind him. He was looking at the ceiling now, so nonchalantly and easily. "I killed him."

It was quiet.

Namie just stared at him, her body entirely frozen and completely stiff. She'd worked for Izaya long enough to discern when he was lying and when he wasn't. Though, she'd admit, Izaya never _lied_ ; he never told false information, as his job depended on clients trusting him. He'd twist the truth or manipulate his wording, know everything could be seen in multiple lights and choose the appropriate one for the situation.

It wasn't a hundred percent because Izaya was Izaya, but Namie could at least _sometimes_ tell if he was bluffing or not.

What she did first was decide if he has a motive. Izaya almost always had some sort of logic behind his actions (even if the logic was illogical), but everything was calculated and planned. So as she stood there, stared at the person leaning against her wall and admiring her ceiling, she had to think:

_What did he have to gain from lying about Seiji's death?_

And then she realized:

Nothing.

He wasn't lying.

He wasn't twisting anything.

He had no reason to.

Izaya had absolutely nothing to gain by saying that. He had more to lose by lying than telling the truth, so he wasn't lying.

Her mind went black and she looked away because Izaya wasn't lying and she so desperately wished he was.

Namie swallowed and turned back to her bag, shaking hands lowering the shirt to the bed. She took her time in running her palms over the fabric, smoothing it as best she could before beginning to fold again. Her long hair fell over her shoulder, curtaining around her face, and she couldn't bring herself to move and tie it up; all her effort and concentration went into folding that one single shirt, kept the creases clean, made it as symmetrical as she could.

"…When?" she asked quietly, keeping her voice low and even. "Like… a week ago? A month? When did… if it did happen, when…"

"Before I found you."

Namie's breath hitched.

"April 28," he said quietly. "…The day Shizu-chan and I met up. He was going to kill me…"

"That excuse again?" she murmured, voice trembling slightly as she cut him off. She straightened and briskly walked over to her closet to pull out a sweater, returning to the bed and laying it out, making sure the fabric was smooth before she began folding it. "You _had_ to? Did you really? Or is that you making up an _excuse_?"

"Namie," she heard behind her with a heavy sigh. "He was already a zombie."

"So is your new hobby putting bullets through siblings? Cellphones to shootings… what a jump."

"I was protecting…"

"Have you ever stopped to think," she said lowly and spun around, hands still trembling at her sides, "that maybe nobody _wants_ you to be alive? That all those people you _kill_ are _loved_. And they _die_ but you… _you._ You just don't die; you just kill everybody around you; you cause more pain than relief when you survive, you… the world would be so much better off with you _dead_!"

Breaking off, she stared at Izaya for a moment, almost annoyed at how nothing flickered over his expression at her outburst. But a moment passed and she cleared her throat, looked away again. "…Of course, you're lying. There's no way you're telling the truth," she decided, voicing it more for her own benefit than his.

Walking back to her closet, she stared for a moment before reaching and grabbing several articles of clothing at once, tugging them off the hangers. She began to fold after throwing them onto a heap on the bed, her voice shaking and rising as she tried to maintain the clean folds. "You're lying because… because if you aren't… if you _aren't_ …"

"I'm not lying, Namie."

"You h…" she broke off and took a breath. "…You have to be. You're just… you want to keep me here for your own sick, delusional pleasures."

"I don't have a reason to lie. Namie-san… you're not _that_ important that I'd lie about something of this magnitude to."

"Absolutely fucking _flattering_."

She'd given up folding. Now, Namie was just balling up her clothes and shoving them into her bag, trying to get them all in and struggling with the zipper. She kept tugging and swore when it wouldn't go up anymore, mumbling that she'd brought all these in the bag, that this made no sense. She kept pulling until her knuckles were white and didn't realize tears were rolling down her cheeks, following the curve before nearly meeting on her chin.

"You're lying…" she said in a tiny voice, eventually giving up and head bowing, back to him. "You're lying… because if you aren't, you're… you're an even more awful person than I thought."

It was so quiet that Namie could hear her neighbors coming home, her stupid, blissfully unaware, ignorant neighbors. They were laughing, joking around, talking about how great dinner had been. They slammed the door shut and kept laughing. They were happy. Namie couldn't remember the last time she laughed.

It was so quiet that Namie could hear them open a closet door to hang up their coats and then one ask if the other wanted tea. She could hear the other walk around, floor creaking and coming towards her, entirely unaware of what she was going through.

It was so quiet that Namie hoped it would suffocate her.

"I suppose I am."

Taking a slow, steady breath to try to calm herself, Namie raised a hand and wiped her tears away. When he'd first told her, she'd been numb, felt like something had lit her skin on fire. But that tingling had dulled a bit, leaving her with a strange daze. He was there, she could see him. He was talking, she could hear him. He was just there, he was just talking, and she was there to accept all those stimuli without actually having to process them. "So you knew this whole time," she said, voice small.

"Yes."

"And every time I mentioned him…"

"I knew."

"And every time you told me to stop…"

"Because I knew."

"So you just watched me worry without doing anything, knew that you could've stopped it at any time."

Silence.

"…Yes."

Namie was gripping the tank top in her hand so hard that she was sure her nails would've drawn blood had it not been for the fabric creating a barrier. Her teeth bit into her lip and her gaze was concentrated on one particular spot in her sheets. She reached out without thinking to smooth it out. Her entire frame was trembling as she tried to continue taking slow, deep breaths.

Finally, she straightened and turned, expression almost too blank, a look that would have sent many others running.

Izaya just watched her.

"…You killed Seiji."

"Yes."

"And you've known this entire time."

"Yes."

"And you tell me now because…?"

Izaya shrugged.

"I suppose because I have nothing left to lose."

Namie knew that, physically speaking, Izaya was much better at fighting than she was. She could handle herself but Izaya had spent years training to run and, eventually, fight against the strongest man in Ikebukuro. He could very easily stop her attacks and, considering her anger, knew she'd be moving purely on instinct and be easy to predict.

But adrenaline can be a bitch.

Izaya was moving to duck even before she swung her first. His hand came up to take her arm, fingers wrapping around her slight wrist before he twisted it behind her back. He used momentum to force her to turn and, for a moment, her back was against his chest. Wincing at the pain, she nonetheless freed herself by bringing her foot down. He avoided it, but the movement was enough for him to loosen his grip, having taken a step back. She swung a leg up but Izaya easily stopped it with his forearm to her shin, and ducked, allowed it to keep traveling over his head.

Izaya was quick on his feet again, standing easily while she was still struggling to find her balance. Namie's breath hitched; he was right in front of her before she could even move and surprise had her feet stumbling backwards until the back of her knees touched to the bed. Izaya had her wrists pinned up to above her head and had a knee pressing to her hip to immobilize her. He gazed down impassively as she kept struggling; it wasn't a particularly hard hold to get out of, but she was moving before she could think, wasting energy and being absolutely infuriated at the way he was looking at her.

"What," she snarled, glaring at him, "is this where you kill me? Because I'm also a risk to _your life_? That's what you do, isn't it? Kill people who pose a threat to you? _Because you don't even think about another option?!"_

"He was going to bite me," Izaya said quietly, eyes hardening and grip on her wrists tightening. "He was _already_ a zombie, like Kasuka—"

" _What, killing people's loved ones somehow makes it better?!"_

A sudden burst of strength enabled Namie to free herself. She broke free from her grasp and brought a knee up, foot to Izaya's stomach and kicked harshly. She was satisfied at the way he winced, at the sound of his body colliding with the wall. Back curling off the bed, Namie was on her knees over him, pinning him down as her hands brushed over his clothes. He seemed to know what she was aiming for and swore, but by the time his hands had grabbed her arms and pushed her off, she found it:

His gun.

"Your paranoia comes in handy once in a while," she breathed. Izaya stared up at her, still sitting on the ground, and heard the click of the safety. He was looking down the barrel, Namie's figure behind the gun blurry. She moved back and gave a sick, twisted sort of grin. "How does it feel to be on that end of the gun for once?"

His eyes narrowed.

"Namie."

"Izaya," she returned breathily, chest rising and falling with harsh breaths from the struggle. Her arms were steady as she held the weapon with both hands and pointed it at him, listening to the blood rushing through her ears. She swallowed to ease the dryness of her throat and a few more seconds passed before she had to flex her fingers, readjust them.

And then tears were pressing to the back of her eyes again.

Because Seiji was dead. Seiji was _dead_ and even though what Izaya had done was unforgivable, even though he'd lied, deceived, manipulated, tricked, gave her false hope, exactly the opposite of what she was seeking, Seiji was _dead_ and that was really the only thing that mattered to her.

Seiji was dead, her little brother was dead, her reason for living was dead, the reason she was able to stay focused and keep fighting was dead; she had no purpose, no will, no fight left, nothing because Seiji was dead, Seiji was dead, _Seiji was dead._

Hot tears were following the curve of her cheek again and she hated that she was crying in front of Izaya but couldn't help it. Her hand was trembling terribly as she continued to point the gun at Izaya, three fingers tightening but not a single one on the trigger.

And then she pulled it back, pointed it to her own head…

…pulled the trigger.

_**april 7, 10:17 a.m.** _

" _Namie-san, allow me to ask you something. Purely hypothetically, simply for interest's sake!"_

_Namie sighed and poured him his tea, hoped the splatter would land on his hands. It was another typical day of work; the news channel was talking about the zombie virus, but Namie disregarded it. Only a few had been spotted and she wasn't even sure they were actually zombies._

" _What would you do for Seiji-kun?"_

_Namie turned to him slowly._

"… _I'd sacrifice you, to say the least."_

_Izaya pulled a face. "Sacrificing me for loved ones seems to be popular…"_

" _Why not? You're not worth much."_

" _Cruel…"_

_Despite his mock pout, Izaya continued to watch his secretary bustle around, doing all the tasks he had assigned her. He leaned back in his chair and laced his fingers together, resting over his stomach with his elbows on his armrests. "Is Seiji-kun your entire life? In other words, does your life entirely depend on his?"_

_She ignored him but Izaya wasn't deterred. Namie often didn't answer his questions but her not answering was the answer itself. It was one of the most annoying things on him. Most people required responses for a conversation. Izaya didn't. He could carry one entirely by himself with anyone._

" _So you're saying if Seiji-kun dies, you do too?"_

_He asked this question with a malicious smirk and since it involved the possibility of harm coming to Seiji, Namie turned to face him. She was holding a stack of books that Izaya asked her to pull and had been looking for the last one when his voice interrupted her._

_She stared at him._

" _Touch Seiji and I will_ _ **kill you**_ _."_

**july 24, 4:52 p.m.**

"Namie-san… you shouldn't do that. You could've died."

Her ears were still ringing from the gunshot and so Izaya's voice was distant, but she did register his words. Her entire body felt numb; she remembered that Izaya's hand was on her wrist to sharply pull it away and redirect the gun right before she pulled the trigger, a bullet in the ceiling proof of that. Luckily for them, she lived in the top floor. Her breathing was shallow and she'd lost all her energy. Her arms felt limp; Izaya's hand holding her wrist was the only reason it wasn't by her side and her shoulders shook with silent sobs. She hated to cry in front of him, absolutely _hated_ it, but it felt like nothing really mattered, that she could lose every ounce of dignity she had left in front of Izaya and she wouldn't care because _Seiji was dead._

Nothing mattered anymore.

"Namie-san," she heard in a quiet murmur. "I did not save your life for you to throw it away like this."

"If you're that terrified of being alone, maybe you shouldn't go and _kill everyone_ ," she snarled weakly, trying to tug her arm away. Izaya's grip was still firm and she gave up quickly, using her other hand to wipe at the tears beading at her eyes again. Izaya gave no rebuttal to her words; he just lingered there for a moment longer before letting go and stepping back.

She gave no resistance as he pried the gun from her fingers and she fell to her knees, head bowing and hiding her face in her hands. Izaya watched her for a moment before he released the magazine and pocketed it, following with the other remaining round. Izaya stepped around her after picking up the duffel bag he knew she had the weapons he'd given her in.

"Did you know," she called, no longer caring that her cheeks were stained with tears, "that you're a fucking disgusting coward? You kill people left and right with no hesitation, no regards to anyone else as long as it's you who lives. And you're so obsessed with your own goddamn life that you don't think about the greater good—"

"Seiji was a zombie. So was Kasuka. If you're going to use an argument, use a better one," he said, words clipped but voice soft.

"Tell me," she said, voice rising, "you know what it's like. You took away the reason why I'm living, so how about you? You took away your own damn reason, how are you coping?"

Izaya's eyes narrowed, looked at her and she watched him frown a bit. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Heiwajima Shizuo," she said, voice barely above a whisper. "You killed your _own_ love—"

"Namie-san, you've gone from distressed to plain mental—"

" _Don't deny it, asshole!_ " she snapped. "With all your crap about loving humanity, tell me why Shizuo was always set apart? Why you were so obsessed with him? Why did you foil even your own plans because of him, for him?! Why you insisted that as long as he was alive, you couldn't die? How that was your stupid roundabout way of equating your lives, how if he dies, you can't live? _So, tell me again that it's okay,_ _ **because it's not**_!"

Izaya said nothing; he just gazed evenly at her despite her outburst. Namie bit her lip and ducked before he could see new tears rolling down her cheeks. Bringing her hands up to hide her face, her shoulders rounded before breaking down in sobs that racked her thin frame.

"Seiji…"

Her broken voice was the last thing Izaya heard before closing the door to her room.

Izaya lingered by the door for a moment, thought about the rest of the items in that room. Yagiri Namie wasn't normally a rash person except when it came to Seiji, so he wasn't willing to leave her with any item that she could use to end her own life. He gave a strangled, shaky sigh and swallowed; his heart was racing painfully so, leaving him feeling a bit nauseous and weak. His legs were still shaking and it seemed like no number of breaths would be able to stop that.

_Don't leave._

"You're a fuckin' bastard, you know that?!"

Izaya turned to stare at Shizuo and couldn't help but linger on Namie's words.

_Disgusting. She's clearly deluded._

"Not now, Shizu-chan… Besides, aren't you always preaching about honesty?" he murmured, giving a strained smirk.

"I'm not talkin' about you tellin' her! I'm talking about you fuckin' _killing Seiji_ and keepin' it from her!"

"Actually, that would mean you're talking about telling her."

Sighing tiredly, Izaya walked over to the kitchen table and sat down. The empty gun was left on the table and her bag was left below; Izaya's fingers rubbed at his eyes and for a hallucination, Shizuo's footsteps were heavy. He could sense the other's presence, despite it fake. Shizuo was the most annoying hallucination for many reasons, some Izaya cared to admit, some he didn't.

"You fuckin' killed Seiji?! And you didn't tell her until now?!" he yelled and Izaya sighed. "What the fuck's wrong with you?!"

"She was useful."

"You _saw_ how upset she was over him! You _knew_ how badly she wanted an answer and you had it this entire time but you…! I can't fucking believe how goddamn selfish you are! Just because you didn't give a shit when you found your sisters doesn't mean we don't care about our siblings, especially when you're the ones who fuckin' _killed them_!"

"I didn't kill them," Izaya snapped, hand coming down on the table and looking up tiredly at Shizuo, very, very annoyed that Shizuo was a projection of his subconscious, that Shizuo's thoughts were his _own_. Izaya did not give his brain permission to have these thoughts. "They were already dead. They were _zombies_ and they were going to kill me. It was self defense. Everything I do is self defense…"

"Just because you call it that doesn't mean it is, you selfish shit!"

And then as quickly as he was there, Shizuo was gone. Izaya looked up again and he was entirely alone. He was relieved but, at the same time, the apartment seemed that much larger without anyone else there, the only other person in the bedroom and bordering on hysteria.

Izaya sighed, leaned back in his chair. He could hear muffled conversation from downstairs or next to him, Namie's sobs from the other room. He heard doors opening and closing, the sounds of what seemed like a small gathering outside.

"Well… if I knew she'd react _this_ strongly, I would've taken that one to the grave."

**july 29, 6:13 p.m.**

The good news, Izaya decided, was that Namie was still alive.

The bad news, Izaya realized, was that she really didn't want to be.

He'd more or less unofficially moved into her living room, bringing with him a blanket and pillow and basic toiletries. Izaya took the liberty of going through the money she had to buy food; most of it was prepared for himself but he did make her a portion, left it by the closed door of the bedroom. It wasn't locked; Izaya was surprised the first time he opened the door, but he decided to not taunt her. He hadn't intended on going in, but when meal after meal the food went untouched, door closed. So he started going in but leaving quickly at first. However, as days passed, he began lingering, staying in the room, holding one sided conversations.

Yagiri Namie had undergone an entire one hundred eighty degree change and Izaya hadn't even intended on it.

Well, that wasn't the original intention.

"Are you going to eat today?"

Silence.

"Then at least drink some water."

Leaving a bowl of rice on the nightstand, Izaya sat against the wall a bit away from the bed, leaving a glass of water between them. He gave a sigh and leaned back; the back of his touch pressed to the wall, legs propped up with ankles crossed, arms resting on top of knees. Humming softly, Izaya's voice silenced quickly, neck rolling to be able to look at Namie.

She'd been sitting against the bed most of the time, her knees hugged to her chest and forehead on top of her folded arms. For the first few days she'd glared at him, occasionally tried to attack him. But Izaya was able to avoid her easily, pin her down if needed until she calmed down. She'd snarl the same words at him time over time, though her voice was weak as days passed, bordering on wobbling.

Namie had lost her anchor and Izaya didn't really expect any other reaction from her.

Shifting, Izaya winced when he put too much pressure on his arm; Namie had decided to throw a lamp one day and while he evaded that, she came after him with one of the broken shards from the light bulb, managing to leave a somewhat deep cut on his arm. He recovered quickly and reached for a piece of bread he had intended on giving her, eating it himself.

He'd tried to be sensitive and give her her space, but he was getting bored.

"Tell me, Namie-san," he murmured, "are you angrier at the fact that Seiji is dead, that I killed him, or that I lied? I'm sure you're upset because of all of those reasons, but surely one has to stand above them all."

Silence.

"It must be your dear brother's death… the fact that it was me simply adds salt to the wound."

Still silence.

Izaya finished the bread, dusted his fingers off over a nearby trash bin. Namie hadn't moved at all since he'd come in and he was used to it; she was slighter, paler, the exact signs of distress Izaya had expected. Though he certainly didn't hold her to a high regard, Izaya had always thought Yagiri Namie to be resilient. She was stubborn and strong-willed, seemed to be able to overcome any obstacle that was presented to her, never missed an opportunity to try to undermine Izaya.

But Izaya had taken away her world.

In the end, he'd confirmed she was just like everyone else. That no matter how strong someone was, they'd have _one thing_ that, if lost, would drain them of the will to live.

Some people recovered from it.

Others didn't.

"Namie-san," Izaya said softly, "do you want to die?"

Ten minutes of silence elapsed, ten minutes that felt like eternity, before Izaya left the room, closed the door behind him. She hadn't said anything and despite no verbal answer being given, Izaya felt like that refusal was her answer itself.

Because despite everything, she was still Yagiri Namie and he was still Orihara Izaya and there were things their prides would never allow them to admit.

**august 6, 3:12 p.m.**

"So have you noticed that I talk? When I'm not in this room?"

She had progressed to sitting up and eating about half of what he left her, so these were definite signs of life, Izaya decided. She didn't even glare anymore, just nibbled on the rice and vegetables, pushed away the rest. Izaya considered it lucky she didn't have any friends; it saved him the effort of having to explain why she wasn't going out, why she was like this. Izaya didn't go out very often; he did if he needed something, but he didn't trust Namie to leave her by herself for too long.

"Shizu-chan's been visiting. Kadota and Shinra too, but mostly Shizu-chan. Lots of Shizu-chan."

"It's been quite strange, but I think I'm getting used to it. They certainly provide better conversation than you do."

She didn't even bother to glance in his direction, just kept her eyes fixated on her blankets and slowly eating the carrots he prepared.

"That's not hard, though," Izaya sighed, closing his eyes. "Anyway, apparently I'm hallucinating now. I think it may be stress, but the hallucinations keep telling me it's because of a guilty conscience. I don't think they're right but, well, they are _my_ hallucinations projecting _my_ thoughts."

Izaya frowned at the continued lack of response. It had been expected, since that was how she'd been for two weeks now, but it was still a tad bit annoying. Sighing, he stood. "Anyway, I'll be outside if you decide you'd like to yell."

Closing the door quietly behind him, Izaya raised his hands to rub at his eyes. He didn't even need to look anymore; they'd become such a constant that he knew, more often than not, they'd just _be there_ waiting.

"Namie-san told me that I'm a coward."

"You fuckin' are!"

It was time for conversations with hallucinations.

Unfortunately, today it was Shizuo. Izaya wished he had some sort of conscious control over who appeared but he didn't; he woke up that day on the couch and Shizuo was sitting on a chair, legs straddling the back and glaring at him angrily. Used to waking up like that, Izaya gave a sigh and ran his hand through his hair before washing up and making breakfast for himself.

"Clearly she's mistaken," Izaya murmured, waving his hand and walking past Shizuo to the kitchen where his portion of lunch sat. "She's delusional from everything she's feeling and doesn't know what she's saying. Actually, she probably does. But Namie-san has always said terrible things about me for no reason at all."

"…"

"I suppose some of them could be justified."

Standing in front of her balcony with his bowl and chopsticks and staring out of it, Izaya's lips pursed into a frown. He began wondering if it would be safer to charm one of her neighbors into delivering groceries. He could pretend to be her boyfriend and say that she had fallen ill; he didn't want to leave her, in case she needed something, but they needed food. It was basically the truth, just a mellowed version where Izaya didn't do anything wrong.

"Because it's true, right?"

Izaya supposed that by wishing he had control over who appeared, he should have specified that he wanted to have only Kadota appear.

Turning around, Izaya gave a thin-lipped smile. "…Shinra."

"You don't want her to leave because you won't be alone," Shinra chirped, sitting on the couch with his legs crossed. "What other reason is there? You _like_ her? Haha, that's hilarious. Imagine _you_ and _her_!"

He looked terrified.

"…Oh god, imagine—"

"Stop, Shinra."

Giving a sigh, Izaya turned back around, brow knit. His knuckles began turning white from grasping the chopsticks and he allowed anger to show briefly before relaxing; even in front of Hallucination Shinra, he still had face to maintain. The good news was that Hallucination Shizuo was gone; maybe he had hallucination responsibilities to attend to, Izaya thought dryly.

"I mean, it makes sense," Shinra chirped. "She's the last person who you actually _knew_ left. So when she dies…"

"Shinra, _stop_."

"Why? Oh, that's right, you can't bear to actually listen to your own thoughts!"

Izaya realized only when he heard a crash that he'd picked up an empty mug and thrown it in Shinra's general direction. Naturally, he'd disappeared; the ceramic shattered once it made contact and he was left alone in the living room, staring at it, feeling his heart racing, a sense of nausea unable to be quelled.

Closing his eyes, he gave a shaky sigh and brought a hand up to his face, thumb and middle finger pressed to either temple. When he heard a door opening, he figured one of the hallucinations was back, but then it was a woman's voice that sounded. Izaya was surprised Namie had actually gotten up; looking at her, he was met with a cold, impassive stare.

"You weren't kidding about the hallucinations," she said softly, glancing at the mug.

"Ah, you're up. How nice."

She looked at him and Izaya frowned; Namie had always been shorter than he was and the distance between them wouldn't change that. But she was looking down on him; her nose was turned up a bit, she was sneering, and Izaya couldn't help the way he clenched his fist.

"So, tell me, Izaya. Tell me that you're not in love with Heiwajima Shizuo."

"There are also Shinra and Dota-chin," Izaya answered with a smile. "Who knows? Maybe Seiji-kun will come to you and we'll have one more thing to bond over."

"Don't lump me together with you."

She crossed her arms.

"Your hallucinations are a product of your guilt. That's what's driving you crazy. _That's_ what's going to be what does you in."

Her smirk widened.

"I'm just sorry it isn't me."

She went back into her room and Izaya later remembers this as one of the last thing she ever says to him.

**august 19, 10:13 p.m.**

It had been a quiet evening, dead of the night, even the moon hiding between the clouds.

Izaya took his time. He washed the dishes and cleaned the living room, packed up his little living space because he was going to leave.

Izaya knew when things were hopeless. His specialty was getting out before he was dragged down.

That one time Namie had come out seemed to be the only one. She stopped doing so, resumed her earlier silence. Izaya tossed a few more mugs to see if it would coax her out, even dropped the in front of her. But she didn't look at him. He didn't even know if she heard.

Because he read about what appeared to be a surge of life right before death in some patients. For a few hours, it seemed like they'd be all right, that they'd make a full recovery. But it was just adrenaline and they'd die a few hours later.

Izaya was even humming as he cleaned; Shinra perched himself on the chair and tried to talk, Kadota would lean against a wall and watch him. Shizuo was the hardest to ignore, but Izaya managed. If he had the will, there was a way. He'd take a deep breath to block out Shizuo's yelling, remind himself that he wasn't real and that he _wasn't_ losing his mind.

He had no reason to feel guilty.

Turning the water off and leaving the dishes in the dish rack to dry, Izaya wiped his hands off on the towel. As he moved, he could feel the metal of his gun press to the small of his back; he'd picked up the habit of keeping the weapon close to him again. He'd borrowed a vacuum earlier that day and some cleaning supplies from one of the neighbors, returned them with a charming smile and some small talk.

" _Ah! Are you Yagiri-san's friend?"_

" _I am."_

" _How is she?"_

" _A bit under the weather, unfortunately… she received some bad news recently."_

" _Oh dear… is there anything I could do to help?"_

" _That's quite all right. I'm sure she'll be glad to know you offered, though."_

Izaya was satisfied with his work as he looked around; cleaning was typically Namie's job, but he was still able to do a relatively thorough job himself. It looked similar to what his apartment had looked like when he moved in, save the backpack of Izaya's belongings by the door. The one room that he didn't clean was the bedroom, for obvious reasons.

His stomach twisted when he looked at the bedroom. Izaya had to give up plans and relinquish them in the past, but this was different.

He _really_ wanted this to work.

But it was broken beyond repair.

Eyes found themselves staring at the door to said room but instead of heading over, he turned back into the kitchen and made himself a cup of tea. For the first time all day, Izaya's pleasantly neutral expression was broken when he realized his hand was shaking, having wondered what that clinking sound was. He looked down to see the teacup and plate meeting repeatedly, finally setting it down entirely.

He took a deep breath, closed his eyes, relaxed.

He stood still for thirty seconds before picking up the cup and took a sip.

Was Namie's apartment always this quiet?, he wondered. Maybe it was better in the day when there was the chatter of the neighbors. Izaya supposed he'd forgotten what absolute silence was like; this was one of the rare times where Kadota and Shinra and Shizuo all decided to leave him alone.

Izaya's eyes fell to stare at his reflection in the tea; his hands were pressed to either side of the china against the counter and he swallowed thickly to calm his racing heart.

_This is odd… I don't like this at all. What an unpleasant feeling…_

_Really, Namie-san could easily have been the cause for my early death. I'm sure she would love to know that…_

_I suppose it's time to go home._

_There's nothing left for me here._

One deep breath later, Izaya straightened, robotically went into Namie's room. He brought with him a cup of tea and a bowl of rice. Three items were set on the nightstand, Namie's back facing him and unmoving at the sounds. She'd moved from the floor to the bed recently; despite barely speaking or leaving the room, small things like that reminded Izaya that she hadn't _entirely_ given up.

Izaya sat on the edge of the mattress, stared at her thin figure under the sheets.

"Namie-san," he murmured, "you should try to eat or drink something. This surely can't be good for you… although I suppose I'm not one to speak. Funny, isn't it? To think you actually used to tell me to eat… though that was to make sure I was alive enough to sign your paychecks."

"Hey, Namie-san, can you even hear me? It's really hard to tell nowadays if you're asleep or not… I'm assuming you aren't. It is a rather late hour, though…"

"Your neighbors seem like quite decent people. Sadly, you're not a very good neighbor."

"Isn't it ironic? It's just you and me now. I never would've thought it was my _secretary_ who survived until the end… although, I suppose this isn't the end. The world is still turning, people are still walking this earth. What do you suppose the fate of the world is? Will it end because of this? Or will it somehow prevail?"

"Humans are impressively resilient…"

He turned to look at her, brow knit and fingers tightening their grip on the sheets.

"But I suppose everyone has limits."

He paused and looked away.

"…This one, I will take the blame for. You have my apology."

Izaya fell silent. He could hear crickets chirping outside and the wind carrying leaves through the branches. The bed creaked as he stood and a dry smirk curved his lips, eyes half lidded. His chest ached; a part of him so desperately wanted to stop, still believed that maybe, just maybe, he could keep living like this. Because she was still alive, wasn't she? She was still breathing, eating just enough.

She was still Yagiri Namie, right?

No, she wasn't.

"I think we should part ways now, however. You were an awful, awful secretary… always making those snide remarks, even trying to poison my food from time to time. I really should've fired you earlier. Goodbye now, Namie-san."

The final words were said quietly and Izaya paused. His brow knit for a moment but was relaxed when he faced her again, asked a question in a low voice, saw Namie's body actually twitch upon hearing:

"In the end, are you glad you knew?"

He could just make out her fingers tightening, confirming that she was indeed awake. Her knees drew to her chest a bit under the covers but still neglected to answer and Izaya gave a sigh, mumbled 'how stubborn' and ran a hand through his hair. His eyes swept over the room one last time and caught sight of something he'd missed. Staying in his spot, he focused on the photograph and immediately recognized it as the one she kept on her desk in his office. It was the picture of her and Seiji, both dressed nicely and looking at the camera with pleasant smiles. Izaya didn't recall a single time when he had seen it, assumed she'd done a good job of keeping it to herself.

_I suppose I'm not surprised…_

Eyes moving across the white sheets to rest on Namie's form again, he gave a slow, almost silent sigh.

"Thank you for your work, Namie-san."

Izaya left minutes after that, casually picked up his backpack and swung it over his shoulder. It was a bit cold but he welcomed the chill when he stepped outside, was sure to keep as quiet as possible to not disturb the other residents of the building, all of who he assumed to be asleep. He kept from humming until he was a good ten yards away from the building, steps halting only to hear a sudden and loud bang.

Birds were startled; he could hear rustling of branches followed by instant murmurs and doors behind thrown open. He knew that if he turned around, he'd see windows begin lighting up, people waking, asking each other _what was that?_ and _did you hear that?!_ and _someone call the cops!_

Staying in the shadows as surrounding buildings also began waking up at the sound, Izaya was careful to not let any emotion show on his expression, following the shortest and quickest path to his apartment.

"Oi, Izaya… you…"

"Not now, Shizu-chan…"

"Izaya…"

"Funny, Shinra, for you to decide to accompany me now… you don't fare too well in the dark. And, Dota-chin, I know you're there. You don't need to say anything."

He gave a sigh, went through a mental checklist, thought of everything he'd brought to Namie's, thought of what he left with, excluded things such as toiletries and food, only thought of more permanent possessions that wouldn't lose their use after a few days.

_Blanket, clothes, books… ah, yes, everything is here._

_Well, everything except one._

_That's all right, though. I only really need one anyway… another was just as a safety precaution._

It felt odd to walk without the metal pressing into him with every step.

When Izaya looked up again, there was only one figure left. He was tall, a slender frame and light hair that caught the moon's light. Izaya managed a tired smirk before he began walking and heading back to his apartment. Sometimes his plans failed. Sometimes he took a gamble and it didn't pay off. This was one of those times, clearly, and his only regret was that he had really, desperately, truly wanted it to work out.

And maybe he could have, if he kept forcing and pretending. But it was futile and the day he realized that was also the day the hallucinations were becoming more permanent.

He lost one person, but gained another.

"So do you approve or disapprove?" he asked casually. "I'd expect you to disapprove, you know. I did lie to her, kill her…"

"You didn't kill her," came Shizuo's voice. "…You told her the truth and gave her a choice. I don't approve or disapprove."

Izaya gave a smirk and turned to face Shizuo, head tilted. "Hey, Shizu-chan?"

Shizuo stood behind him, hair back to its blond state and clothes as they always had been. The uniform was crisp and clean; there was even a lit cigarette and Izaya could see the end flare red with every puff, watch the smoke curl, smell it. It was amazing, he thought, and it was dangerous how _real_ this hallucination was.

"Don't leave me," Izaya said quietly.

And his hallucination of Shizuo just nodded.

"I won't."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hahah happy birthday, izaya!!! i love you, despite what it may seem. thank you for reading, kudos/comments are appreciated!


	23. april 23rd

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> what, did you expect a happy ending? please. this is a post-apocalyptic world. there are no happy endings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> to avoid likely confusion, please note that italicized dates are to indicate past.

_Hello! Orihara Izaya here!_

_Have you ever wondered just how many historical events have happened on each day? For example, your birthday? Or a holiday? Christmas Day, certainly, isn't known only for Christmas Day. In the year 274, the Roman emperor Aurelian had a temple dedicated to Sol Invictus. And then in 875, Charles the Bald was crowned emperor of Rome. Fascinating, no?_

_One source says that 189 historical events happened on April 23_ _rd_ _. A temple was built; a battle freed Ireland from foreign control; conquests, uprisings, annexations all took place. Many things happened. I suppose our April 23_ _rd_ _is the hundred ninetieth historical event._

_But it's not the only time it was thought the world would end._

_On April 23_ _rd_ _, 1990, Elizabeth Clare Prophet thought the world would end in twelve years because of a nuclear war starting. Her devout followers prepared for this and stockpiled shelters with supplies and weapons._

_As you can most likely tell, the world did not end because more than sixteen years have passed without the beginnings of a nuclear war. Elizabeth was diagnosed with epilepsy and Alzheimer's disease in 1998._

_Tragic._

_But, like I said, every day has multiple events happening; it's just a matter of us knowing about them. Humans are often so focused on one event they forget everything else. Many people only know February 14_ _th_ _to be Valentine's Day, but in 1747, James Bradley first presented his findings of the Earth's wobbling motion on its axis in London. Many people only know October 31_ _st_ _to be Halloween, but in 1517, Martin Luther posted the 95 Theses on the Wittenberg Church. And, finally, many people only think December 25_ _th_ _to be Christmas, when in 1599, Natal was also founded in Brazil._

_The problem with humans is that they're often so absorbed with what concerns them directly. But, I suppose, that's human nature! Being selfish is necessary to survive and thrive; if one focuses too much on others, spends all his time worrying about them and neglecting himself, he will most likely perish far too soon. Selfishness has advanced and survived through natural selection._

_So, really, it's not that much of a problem. It's a blessing, even if much of history goes unknown because of our obsession with the present and near future._

_April 23_ _rd_ _of this past year wasn't the only time the world was thought to end._

_But the thing about the world ending…_

_Is that the first time it truly happens is also the last._

**august 13, 5:31 p.m.**

More than a year had passed since Yagiri Namie's body was discovered in her small but well-kept apartment.

It had been a shock to everyone. Namie wasn't friends with them, per se, but people did know her. She was pleasant enough. She'd stop if addressed and would make a few comments about the weather, but would never be the one to initiate conversation. But while most people answered 'good, how about you?' when asked 'how are you?' Yagiri Namie would return with a succinct nod. The conversation could feel precarious; her 'that seems fine' was, by all means, a perfectly legitimate response, but her stony expression and monotonous tone would indicate otherwise. She didn't join in much on social events for the community and when Izaya arrived, that was really the first anyone ever saw her interact willingly and repeatedly with someone.

But nobody had thought she would kill herself and still no one knew why. Withdrawn, yes. A bit hard to get along with, certainly. But suicidal?

Nobody saw it coming.

Her death was mourned quietly. She was a member of the community but her passing didn't seem to hit many people that hard; after all, she had seemed to prefer to stay on the outskirts. But people paid their respects, bouquets of flowers multiplying in front of her door. Her apartment complex saw a few more people than usual coming in and out for about two weeks, but then they tapered off. Her apartment still wasn't rented out; people weren't coming at a fast enough rate that the room had to be used, and so it stayed as it was. A few people would murmur about this in front of her door but others would hush them, say that it was rude. People generally didn't linger; they left flowers, bowed their heads, and left.

Oddly enough, the only person who never seemed to be there was the person she was last seen with.

"Masaomi-kun! Saki-chan!"

Flinching, Kida looked up. Saki gave a calm smile, her hand squeezing Kida's tighter when it began to shake. Orihara Izaya approached them; he wore the same pleasant expression he always did, though it wasn't difficult to pick up on the problems with his current appearance. He was thinner, his skin paler. 'Sickly' should've been the proper word to describe him, but it didn't seem right; he didn't look weaker, just different. Kida couldn't put his finger on it.

"What a beautiful day to be taking a walk! How have you been?"

"Fine, Izaya-san," Saki answered. "And you?"

"Splendid!"

Orihara Izaya hadn't been on the island long enough for everyone to know his name, but everyone who had been in the Tokyo area knew he was there. Kida wasn't surprised when multiple people approached him to voice their concerns about Izaya. He did his best to assuage him; despite his own uneasy feeling, he believed that Izaya wasn't there to hurt anyone.

But after Namie's body was discovered, Kida noticed Izaya's temporary disappearance.

He didn't actively seek him out, especially not after that one night, but he did stay on alert for him. Even though Izaya didn't seem to be posing an imminent threat, he was still dangerous; Kida had plenty of reasons to be wary of him.

He thought it surprising. Of course, Izaya and Namie weren't _friends_. Neither of them were the type to make friends. They were a special sort of awful that only they could tolerate, but they seemed to be all each other had on the island. Everyone needed someone, Kida thought, and Namie had been Izaya's.

Then again, this was Orihara Izaya.

Selfish, greedy, cowardly bastard.

"Glad to see you out and about," Kida murmured, lips curving downwards. "Haven't been seeing much of you lately."

Izaya smiled and the way he did so sent chills down Kida's spine. "Missed me, Masaomi-kun?"

"Not particularly."

"How mean! Of course, Shizu-chan always says the same thing… right, Shizu-chan?" and he looked to his left. He let out another laugh and Kida's eyes widened.

Izaya tilted his head and smiled sweetly.

"Masaomi-kun, frowning causes wrinkles. Namie-san knows all about that, of course, don't you?" He looked to his left, still smiling.

Kida felt his blood run cold. He didn't listen to the rest of the conversation that Saki took over, and was still frozen when Izaya walked past them. Only when he was out of earshot did Kida ask in a stilted voice:

"Saki, there's no one else here, right?"

"No," she said quietly, looking up at Kida with a sad smile. "Tragic, isn't it? He's all alone now."

Kida nodded mutely and looked down at his feet.

He pressed his lips into a thin line and swallowed.

"…Am I awful if I think he deserves it?"

****august** 23, 3:52 a.m.**

Ten days later, investigators find Orihara Izaya's dead body in his apartment.

_**august 6, 9:53 p.m.** _

Izaya stopped by city hall later that night.

He noticed something strange about Shizuo. Sometimes his footsteps echoed, the sounds reverberating in an empty space as they normally did. But other times they didn't; he'd see Shizuo walking, feel him keep up, but he wouldn't hear anything. This was one of those times. His footsteps had been plenty loud on the way here, crunching gravel and stepping on twigs, but once they were on clean tiles, it was silent.

But, Izaya decided, it made sense. He was a hallucination. Hallucinations didn't make sense. Furthermore, this hallucination was a projection of his mind, and his mind was deciding that it made sense. Obviously, it made sense.

Izaya's mental state was not at its peak and deteriorating quite clearly.

Or, he thought, maybe improving. It was growing more vivid and creative. That was it. He liked that better.

It was late at night; there were a few people left but Izaya had long ago figured out that security around here was relatively lax. He slipped through quietly and easily, having memorized this building he'd been in and seen the floor plan of once. Finding Kuzuhara Kinnosuke's mailbox, he pulled out a normal sized envelope, placing it at the very top before leaving.

It was only when Izaya was back in his apartment that Shizuo spoke:

"…She'd appreciate that."

The next morning, a secretary read the note:

_Yagiri Namie is deceased in the bedroom of her apartment._

_**november 6, 11:52 p.m.** _

September came.

_"Did you know, Shizu-chan?" Izaya asked on a rainy morning._

_Shizuo was sprawled on the couch, reading his book._

_"It's Namie-san's funeral today," Izaya continued nonchalantly. "You can go if you'd like. I think I'll pass. Namie-san wouldn't want me there anyway."_

_"You're just going to go later tonight," Shizuo mumbled, his first and only words that day._

_Izaya hummed. He turned another page of the book he'd picked up from the library and decided to keep from conversation. Shizuo also didn't say anything further; he'd grumble every now and then, mostly little comments about whatever passage he was reading, and even though Izaya wasn't responding, he couldn't help but listen. He shivered because it was like deja vu, like on an infinite loop, hearing the same commentary about the same plot about the same book from the same person._

_Izaya hadn't turned the page in over an hour before he realized he wasn't reading._

_Hours later, after the sun had set, when he crouched down in front of her grave, Izaya wasn't even surprised to hear Shizuo's footsteps. Smiling slightly, he left a bouquet of flowers and her most worn novel, thumb lingering on the cover before he pulled back. Shizuo stood a fair distance from Izaya, silently watching him._

_"Don't worry, Shizu-chan," he said quietly and stood, hands in his pockets._

_He felt a cool breeze and smiled, closing his eyes._

_"…We'll be seeing her soon enough."_

September passed.

October came.

_"October is passing by quite quickly."_

_Izaya looked up in concern, frowning._

_"Wait, Dota-chin… I don't think you should be cooking. Aren't I eating air?"_

_"Then you do it."_

_"Dota-chin's just tired of cooking all the time."_

_"You'll die if you don't eat, Izaya."_

_"You've been cooking for us!"_

_"The three of us are hallucinations and you're the only one who needs to eat."_

_"Then why cook?"_

_"To draw your attention to the kitchen and have this conversation."_

_Arms crossed over his chest, Izaya leaned against the wall with a bony shoulder and hip. He'd admit that there were days where he skipped a meal or two or three, but he'd been busy. Hallucinations took up a lot of his time._

_Kadota frowned at him. "At least put on some rice."_

_"What, Dota-chin's worried about me?" he teased._

_"Yeah."_

_Izaya's lips pursed. He flinched a bit when he heard a gruff 'move' and straightened, flattening himself against the wall in time to watch Shizuo move past him. He plugged in the rice cooker and turned to Izaya, staring expectantly._

_Izaya sighed dramatically, going to actually plug in the rice cooker. "Fine, fine! I'll make enough rice for all of us, all right? Who would've known having you two around would be almost as annoying as Shinra…"_

_"We'll be less annoying when you start taking care of yourself," Shizuo snapped. He was rough as always; for all the days where he said nothing and was startlingly peaceful, there were just as many where Izaya absolutely couldn't ever forget he was there. His apartment wasn't that big but Shizuo's presence easily filled it; he could be in the furthest room and Izaya would still just feel him there._

_Izaya smiled. "Shizu-chan only wants that because this is the last remnant of your existence."_

_Kadota sighed. "We'll be your reasons to live until you find one yourself," he interjected before Shizuo could snap back at him. He shrugged tiredly. "Okay?"_

_Izaya's half lidded eyes watched him, holding his gaze momentarily before he took out the pot to wash the rice in. He waited until the rice was on and cooking to turn around; palms pressing to the top of the counter, his fingers curled over the edge. Izaya tilted his head and gave a smirk._

_"All right. But that may be a while, Dota-chin. Good thing none of you can die."_

_He paused._

_"Again, I mean."_

October passed.

The three months since Namie's death went by in a blur and Izaya could only remember bits and pieces. But he was constantly aware of one thing:

True to his word, Shizuo stayed.

Izaya sort of regretted asking him to.

Shinra and Kadota made their appearances, but Shizuo was the constant. Sometimes Kadota would be in the kitchen or Shinra would be on the balcony, but Shizuo would always be loitering somewhere, reading a book or just lying out on the couch. He was a hallucination; Izaya knew that. He hadn't lost his mind so much as to finally believe these figments of his imagination were real, but they felt real.

They felt _so_ real and that had terrified him at first. He found that if he tried really hard, he could will them away. They always came back, but knowing he had the option was comforting and he felt that if he kept doing so, he could probably keep them away for longer periods of time, maybe altogether.

But as annoying as Shinra's chirping was, as disapproving as Kadota's sighs were, as haunting as Shizuo's presence was, the loneliness was worse and harrowing. It swallowed him up and it got to the point where Izaya couldn't do anything because he felt suffocated. Making tea reminded him of Shinra and how protective he had been of one particular china set. Going for a walk reminded him of Kadota because he'd take walks to, as he claimed, 'keep it together because otherwise you and Shizuo will drive me crazy.' And reading was the worst. Reading reminded him of Shizuo. Words, pages, bindings reminded him of Shizuo.

It didn't take long for Izaya to stop willing them away.

Of course, there were downfalls. Sometimes the apartment would be loud. But other times Kadota and Shinra would be silent or just entirely not there. He'd excused it as Kadota and Shinra just having less of a presence, but he didn't like that reasoning because of its implication about Shizuo. So then he decided Kadota and Shinra were just quieter and his mind had manifested that memory, but remembered that, unless provoked, Shizuo really was the most quiet of the three.

And also, Izaya wanted to scold himself, Shinra? Quiet?

He hadn't thought he was losing it _that_ much.

Shizuo was always there, always on his mind. Always seen, heard, spoken to, or a combination of the three; Shizuo was always, always, _always_ there and Izaya refused to admit why because, after all, Shizuo was just like anyone else.

But he was there.

Shizuo, who he played chess with.

Shizuo, who he loitered on the balcony with.

Shizuo, who he discussed things with.

_"Shizu-chan," Izaya murmured, "are you angry?"_

_Shizuo frowned. "…I'm not that sore a loser. Besides, you've won five games and—"_

_"Not about that."_

_"Oh."_

_Shizuo sighed. Izaya watched him turn around so the small of his back was against the railing, palms flat against the metal. Izaya himself was leaning with his folded arms resting on the surface, quietly overlooking the view._

_"…No," Shizuo said._

_Izaya smiled tiredly._

_"You're saying that because you're a projection of my subconscious."_

_Shizuo looked over._

_"That doesn't make it definitely a lie, though."_

Of course, Shinra and Kadota were there occasionally as well. Izaya wondered briefly about Hachi but stopped, decided he didn't need an imaginary dog leaving imaginary, but probably very real smelling, crap all over the apartment.

Life continued. Izaya was still alive. He ate and he exercised, fulfilled his quota of social interaction with both imaginary and real people (though heavily weighted towards the imaginary.) Things were all right. Simon gave him free sushi. He ignored the pitying smiles. He went shopping for groceries when he wanted. He consulted a few maps but never seriously considered leaving the island.

Because what was out there? Who was left? Izaya was tired; he didn't know if he had it in him to fight more zombies, see people he once knew drag their feet as the risen undead. He was tired. He was _exhausted_. Izaya felt that he deserved to rest, that karma was getting its fill with the whole haunting him thing.

So this way, everything worked out.

Stirring, a sudden shift on his bed woke Izaya. He'd always been a light sleeper and with everything that's happened, that certainly wasn't going to change. Sighing, Izaya sat up and rubbed at one eye, smirking tiredly at the shadowy figure.

"Three months," he murmured. "Have to say, you really took your time, didn't you?"

Yagiri Namie examined her nails, sitting on the foot of Izaya's bed with her legs crossed.

"Decided to take a small vacation before coming back."

She looked up and glared. Izaya frowned. "What, you're angry? You pulled the trigger," he said nonchalantly.

"And who handed me the gun?"

"Didn't mean you had to use it."

"And who pulled the rug out from under my feet?"

Izaya was silent before lying back down.

"You and Shizu-chan can chat tomorrow."

_**december 14, 3:19 p.m.** _

The thing was, everyone else was so lucky.

"Everyone else was so lucky."

"Are you seriously going to start with that right now?" Shizuo growled. His foot visibly twitched at his remark and Izaya just looked over, smiling nicely.

"You're imaginary, Shizu-chan. Throw all the couches you want, but they won't actually hurt me."

Shizuo slammed his book down on the coffee table and it made quite a realistic thud.

"You wanna see me fuckin' try it?!"

"See," Izaya waved a hand, "with Namie-san, she's an awful woman. But she got what she wanted in the end!"

"You killing Seiji?" Namie snapped.

"The truth," Izaya corrected and Namie scowled. "And Dota-chin, well, Dota-chin died valiantly. Honestly, Dota-chin, you were too good of a guy. You were able to get out before everything really turned awful."

Kadota stared at him incredulously before sighing and pinching the bridge of his nose. It appeared that he knew better than to argue him.

"And Shinra! Shinra, you were just reckless and stupid, examining that zombie. However, aren't you glad to know that Celty was that distressed over you?"

Shinra smiled just as nicely.

"I'm not you, Izaya."

"And Celty's left this world—honestly, it would've been nice if she took me with her—and Chikage found his own peace by sacrificing himself! Kasuka died with hope and his brother as his last thought, though, what good did that do him? The Awakusu-Kai, well, I wonder how they're doing… probably not well. And everyone else we had seen… people keep dying, and yet those who remain try _so hard_ to keep living. Why is that? What point is there? Is civilization really supposed to come back from this? _How_? Tokyo is decimated. The country is ravaged. We've got no idea what's going on overseas, but probably nothing good. Are we supposed to procreate? How are we going to replace all the lost lives, replenish our food sources? No matter how you think about it, we're doomed. What, did you expect a happy ending? Please. This is a post-apocalyptic world. There _are_ no happy endings."

Izaya stopped to catch his breath, breathing in, shoulders drawing back. He leaned back on the couch and draped his arms over the back as he exhaled slowly, using one hand to gesture towards the four around the room.

"So, really, all of you are lucky. It is unfortunate you're all _dead_ but you were able to leave before realizing just how hopeless the world was. You all died still believing for something better."

Holding his smile, Izaya looked over his shoulder to Shizuo.

"You may throw things now, Shizu-chan."

And for a moment, it was deathly silent. Namie looked bored. Kadota looked exasperated. Shinra looked amused.

Shizuo looked _infuriated._

"Are you fucking _kidding_ me, Izaya?!" he roared and Izaya just sighed. He stood and kicked the coffee table over, leaving Izaya to marvel at how that could be so real, so loud to him, but his neighbors would've heard nothing. "Lucky?! You're still goin' on about how we're _lucky_ to be dead? How fucked up in the head are you right now?!"

Izaya tilted his head.

"Well, I'm certainly not at my best."

"We're not _lucky_ ," Shizuo snarled, grabbing Izaya by his shirt and shoving him against a wall, "so don't you dare say that, you miserable bastard. We're dead. We're fucking _dead_. And you, you're _alive_. Stop taking that shit for granted. Yeah, the world's fucked. Can it come back from this? Maybe not. But you don't just stand here and think that. You keep trying. Until the goddamn end, you try with everything you've got. Wasn't that what you were preaching? You're going to give up now just because you fuckin' killed everyone who was with you?"

Shizuo's glower lingered; his hand shook with rage and Izaya knew to expect his shirt to be a bit stretched out from this. He let go eventually and Izaya landed gracefully on his feet, straightening his shirt, expression remaining impressively impassive.

"You don't get to call us lucky," Shizuo repeated in a low voice. "You don't get to play the victim. You don't get to lie to yourself anymore. You've got a guilty as fuck conscience for a reason, Izaya. All of us know how you really feel and, you know what? It's time to stop lying to yourself. We're dead. We're hallucinations. You can lie to us, but you can't lie to yourself.

"You're human. Of course you're scared. Of course you've got weaknesses. That's part of being human. There's nothing wrong with that. What is wrong is how you keep pretending you're fine. All of this has fucked everyone up, including you. Admit it.

"Like I said, I'm not mad that you killed me. What I'm mad about is the way you're _dealing with it_. Stop running away from your problems. Grow the fuck up."

Shizuo's chest was rising and falling and Izaya found himself watching it, stared at the way his Adam's apple moved with his breathing. He didn't _need_ to breathe and yet it appeared he was; these hallucinations were simply fascinating, he thought. Izaya understood hallucinations; they were a result of abnormal activities in the brain, but actually experiencing them was different altogether. He was intrigued.

He eventually tore his eyes away from Shizuo's chest and leveled their gazes.

The other three were still there, quietly watching them, but Izaya didn't pay them any mind. All that mattered right now was Shizuo and the way he was glaring at him, that hatred that was so intense that it was hard to believe his own mind could create that.

(But, then again, nobody hated him more than himself.)

The problem with Shizuo was that he seemed to have a knack for saying the exact things Izaya didn't like to hear. Real Shizuo also had that tendency; he almost seemed to find the nail and was ready to hit it on its head, even if he didn't know that it would strike a sensitive spot. They were opposites; they always had been, despite a few concurrent similarities. Izaya avoided things. Shizuo faced them head on. It angered Shizuo and unsettled Izaya.

The additional problem with hallucination Shizuo was that these nails were much more personal and the things that without Shizuo's annoying bluntness, would have probably never seen the light of day.

He blinked. Clapping his hands together, Izaya stood and breezily sauntered past Shizuo, ignored his jolt.

"So! Let's prepare dinner!"

_**january 1, 1:07 a.m.** _

"It's a brand new year!"

"Mhm."

"It's a whole other year!"

"Yeah."

"It's a—"

"For fuck's sake, Izaya!"

"That's not very in the holiday spirit, Shizu-chan…"

Izaya wrinkled his nose. He was wearing an ugly sweater; it wasn't Christmas, but he decided that something festive was needed. He hadn't expected the hallucinations to change clothes and joked that Namie was fine, that she was in red and green all year.

But then he woke up this morning and she was wearing a black skirt and dark red sweater, leaving Izaya to wonder why he was projecting his middle school uniform color scheme onto the most vile woman in the world.

Kadota was in his normal clothes. Shinra was wearing something _atrocious_ , and Shizuo was in sweats. He'd seen Shizuo in sweats before. He'd obviously seen Kadota in his normal clothes, but not that horrendous thing Shinra was wearing. Izaya congratulated himself on his creativity.

He had gone out earlier that week and found hot chocolate powder. Mixing it with milk, he made five mugs and handed them out. Namie looked disgusted. Shizuo looked annoyed to be not annoyed. Kadota nodded. Shinra just started drinking.

It wasn't exactly the most festive of new years, but it was one of his more lively ones; Izaya was quite pleased he wasn't by himself (sometimes with Namie for company) to usher in the new year. Standing by the window and looking out, he watched Shizuo and Namie play chess by the window, Kadota watching over. Shinra joined him; his mug was already empty and Izaya silently poured him some more.

Was he pouring it straight onto the carpet?

"Hey, Izaya. Let's bet you'll survive this year," Shinra beamed.

Izaya laughed.

"Come now, Shinra. You know I only bet when I win."

_**february 26, 4:15 p.m.** _

The thing about Shizuo that differed from the other three was that he _argued_.

Namie would ignore him if she could. Kadota could provide decent conversation. And Shinra would gush about Celty, though he'd usually silence and disappear if Izaya brought up that she was gone.

And it did make him feel guilty to be the reason why his only friend was sad, so Izaya only did that if absolutely necessary.

But Shizuo.

Shizuo _argued_.

"You can't keep surroundin' yourself with broken people to make yourself feel whole!"

Eyes narrowing, Izaya huffed quietly. He remembered those words from Namie; he remembered them clearly and they still annoyed him. Crossing his arms gracefully, Izaya leaned against the wall. He crossed a foot over his ankle and then he undid the movement; he moved much more than he normally did to hide the fidgeting that Hallucination Shizuo surely wouldn't notice (unless, of course, Izaya's subconscious wanted him to.)

"So Shizu-chan's calling himself broken? My my… looks like those self esteem issues still have to be worked on."

"At least I can be honest with myself," he growled, striding towards him. Izaya remained smirking as Shizuo's hand grabbed him by his collar, forced him to stand up straight. "But you… just keep lyin' to yourself and everyone. And there's one thing that's been bothering me…"

"Oh? What is it? I'll try my best to help Shizu-chan achieve some peace even after his death."

Izaya expected more yelling. He expected even Shizuo to punch him, but when Shizuo just pulled back a bit, his grip loosening, it served as an irksome reminder that Shizuo never did what Izaya expected him to. Watching him a bit suspiciously, he gracefully flattened his feet against the floor as Shizuo just stared.

"…Why did you never try to fix me?"

The question caught Izaya off guard, despite it technically coming from himself. His eyes widened and he couldn't move for a few moments, just stared. But then he started laughing; his lips curled as his body shook, a sound that was a little too loud and had his body trembling a little too hard.

Shizuo kept staring.

"Why did I never try to fix Shizu-chan?" he echoed, shrugging once he stopped. He wiped a tear from the corner of his eye. "Maybe I never thought Shizu-chan as actually _broken_. Just different."

Izaya pushed his bangs back from his face, stared out the window with that same smile, a little too wide, a little too crazed.

"After all, Shizu-chan's everything I'm not."

_**march 17, 10:33 a.m.** _

Izaya threw up that morning, so he should've known it would be a terrible day.

Namie silently handed him a napkin and stepped back after he accepted it. Izaya laughed quietly, hunched over the toilet with an arm following the curve of the seat. The other reached up and flushed, the act itself looking as if it took great difficulty, and he gave a weak cough. "You're kinder as a hallucination."

His body still felt like it was on fire when he stumbled out of the bathroom. His stomach twisted and turned; the past few days passed by in a blur. Izaya's sleep schedule was officially destroyed; he went days where he slept hours and hours, but then there were days where he didn't sleep at all. Regardless, he slept lightly. Even on days where he spent all day in bed, he'd jerk at the slightest sound and just doze off again after a bit.

Needless to say, Izaya was already over the edge but he was Izaya, so he was, in normal people's terms, on the edge.

"It's your subconscious. You didn't kill me yourself and so you think that I would be less angry."

"You needn't narrate that, Namie-san."

"I do."

Lingering by the wall to wait for the hot flash and dancing spots to pass, Izaya continued on to the kitchen afterwards to start preparing breakfast for himself. After twenty minutes, a bowl of rice and egg and black coffee were his final products, one of which was taken to the coffee table. Kadota looked up and frowned disapprovingly. "Izaya, now you're just wasting food."

"Who says I won't eat it later?"

Taking his first gulp, Izaya sighed contently and set the mug back down. Someone sat next to him, weight distributing unevenly between the two spots. Namie was at the other end of the couch, Shinra was admiring his tools, and Kadota was going through Izaya's collection of books. That left…

"Would you like some breakfast, Shizu-chan?" Izaya asked airily.

He could see Shizuo staring at him from the corner of his eye and huffed. "Now, don't be like that."

"Like what?"

"Like _that_ ," Izaya explained, though his voice was a bit strained. "Like you can't handle a joke. Trust me, Shizu-chan, I know you can't eat."

Shizuo was quiet.

"Because you're dead," Izaya clarified.

"I didn't say anything," he shrugged. "Offer it to Shinra or Kadota. Or Namie."

"See, it's not the same. Because, as Shizu-chan is thinking, Kadota asked for it. And I certainly don't mean breakfast, in case Shizu-chan's single-celled brain can't keep up. Shinra was already turned. And Namie-san only used the gun I left her. As Shizu-chan would say, that's why Shizu-chan is special. Why he always has been. Special people meet special ends."

Izaya wasn't _trying_ to tease, it just came out that way and he prepared himself for an outraged yell. But, as always, Shizuo surprised him; when he looked over to question the silence, he found Shizuo just staring blankly at him. Izaya stared back just as blankly.

"Yes?"

"…Huh," Shizuo commented. "You called me a person."

Izaya's chest seized for just a moment. His body froze; he felt his skin prickling lightly and something burn the base of his throat. Slamming the book shut, he stared at his coffee first, teeth biting down on his lip. Izaya could vaguely hear Kadota bustling around, the clinking of Shinra putting his things away, and hear Namie _breathing_.

She probably breathed loudly to annoy him.

"Namie, you're breathing right? I can barely hear it."

"Not everyone's like you, Shinra."

Izaya could hear birds and he wondered why they had to make that stupid noise.

His skin prickled.

"Look, Izaya," Shizuo sighed, clearly perturbed by Izaya's response. "I'm not—"

"I'm sorry, all right? I'm _sorry_ ," Izaya snapped. Everything fell silent; Izaya heard a ticking and disregarded the fact that he didn't have a clock that loud. He just closed his eyes and counted along with the sound; he relaxed but the smirk on his lips seemed to indicate otherwise, the malicious grin widening.

"For, as Shizu-chan can't seem to stop reminding me, _killing him_! Because apparently I was supposed to sacrifice myself for you, right?! You've got to be kidding me! When I found you, you were on the brink of giving up! You're going to tell me that between the two of us, if only one had to live, it should have been _you_? Why, because you're _kinder_? That's what decides who lives in this post-apocalypse shitshow of a world?! Being _kind_?! _Please!_

"You wouldn't have lasted a month without me and we both know that! You would've gone into shock after realizing what you did! You think you would've been able to pull yourself together enough to find this place? You're not a killer, Shizu-chan! You're not strong enough to be one! You can't handle the repercussions; that's why I've been doing this the entire time! Not because it's convenient or because I like it, but because between us, I'm the one who's more capable of dealing with the consequences! You're _weak_ ," he spat. "You're weak and disgusting."

Maybe he should've eaten his rice. Izaya wasn't very friendly when he was hungry, dehydrated, or hallucinating, much less all at once.

Panting when he broke off, Izaya hunched his shoulders as he kept glaring at Shizuo. He could hear the blood rushing through his ears as he straightened, cleared his throat and crossed his arms. He tried to regain some dignity from losing his cool. Clearing his throat, he straightened invisible wrinkles from his clothes as best he could while still sitting.

It was hard, though, when he heard 'whatever makes you feel better' and was ready to test if Shizuo could be hit. He just took another deep sigh and counted backwards.

He lost track and found himself having to start over before realizing he didn't know what his starting point was. So he chose random numbers, counted backwards at a rhythm to match his heartbeat and when it took longer to get from ten to five than it did from fifty to forty, he knew it was working.

Izaya didn't know how long passed before he heard Shizuo again:

"Are you done?"

"I suppose I am," Izaya said airily.

"Then it's my turn," Shizuo murmured and Izaya clicked his tongue, wrinkling his nose a bit. "It was never about one of us surviving. That's not why I'm here and you know that. It's about the fact that you didn't have to—"

"I did."

"You could've tried—"

"The angle made it impossible. If I aimed at your shoulder, the bullet wouldn't have exited without puncturing your heart. I couldn't reach any other part of you and it was either your head or neck. And in case you forgot, you were sort of strangling me and I was running quite low on air."

Izaya was incredibly aware that he was rambling. Shizuo usually rambled; even this Shizuo, the Shizuo who was a figment of Izaya's imagination, was the one who rambled while Izaya listened. But things were different now; Izaya kept talking and Shizuo was quiet, spoke only when necessary, only what he had to.

Izaya knew exactly why he was rambling and dreaded Shizuo saying it:

"You've never dealt with the guilt."

"There's no guilt to—"

"You don't get why you feel this way. You buried me. You apologized. You thought that would be enough. You don't get why it's not."

"I don't feel any—"

"You're in love with me, aren't you?"

Hallucination Shizuo was a bad kind of different. Shizuo was blunt and honest, but he wasn't tactless and he certainly wasn't this perceptive. He was perceptive in a different way, but something like this required a certain level of self-confidence that Heiwajima Shizuo just didn't have. Heiwajima Shizuo would've never accused someone of being in love with him with his self esteem; only Hallucination Shizuo, who had access to the parts of Izaya's mind even he himself avoided, would know that.

Of course, that didn't mean it was right, Izaya thought stubbornly.

Izaya closed his eyes, exhaled through his nose slowly.

The human perception of love was something that had been contested over and over again. Media was obsessed with it; there was some sort of a stigma associated with being single, one that Izaya had found interesting. All sorts of people came to him for his services; on more than one occasion had there been a vengeful ex-lover or a suspicious spouse asking for information.

Love, from what he learned through observation and consumption of media, was a deep emotional attachment to someone, something that many people, for some reason, prioritized over friendship. It wasn't always positive; Shinra's love for Celty, for example. Namie's love for Seiji. Saika's love for humans. There were many kinds of love.

He dug his nails into his palms and swallowed. Izaya's eyes closed; his brow knit for a moment as he tried to reassure himself that he wasn't in love with Shizuo. He didn't even love him and Izaya loved _everyone_.

Shizuo was special.

Shizuo stood out from everyone else.

Shizuo had always been different. Izaya had isolated him; he'd deemed him as a monster and separated him from his beloved society. He loved everyone else. He didn't love Shizuo.

 _I don't love Shizu-chan,_ he thought briskly. _I don't because the opposite of love is hate-_

Something in his chest lurched.

_Except it's not._

Because the opposite of love wasn't hate; the opposite of love _and_ hate was apathy. What Izaya felt for Shizuo was anything but apathetic. Everything regarding Shizuo elicited a strong reaction from him; for someone who was so driven to one goal, Izaya would discard his plans in favor of Shizuo. Shizuo was the only one he'd seek out for a head on fight; he hated Shizuo, he'd said for years, but hating someone was another way of being passionate about their existence.

It was like someone dumped cold water over him.

Love wasn't always about support and happiness. Love was selfish. Love was twisted. Love was awful; love could be a terrible thing to feel for someone, that intrinsic bond.

Namie, who said he was in love with Shizuo, carried a twisted, incestuous love for her little brother.

Shinra, who hinted he was in love with Shizuo, harbored a selfish, all-encompassing love for Celty.

Those two people, Izaya realized, would know better than anyone else.

He felt sick.

"That's why you can't stop feeling guilty," Shizuo said quietly. "Because you couldn't admit that to yourself. And because you couldn't admit that, you'll never know if I was able to feel the same way. Or if I did."

Izaya's breath stopped but he didn't allow it to show, looked away and dug his nails into the fabric he was sitting on. He took a deep breath but it seemed his lungs didn't have that capacity and he ended up with a choked gasp, flinching as the back of one hand pressed to his lips.

Orihara Izaya wasn't one to misconstrue kindness as love, no matter _how_ (and if, he might add) he was lonely. He knew Shizuo's kindness was out of necessity to stay alive. His attentiveness and his forgiveness were all because they were partners.

Shizuo didn't feel anything besides hatred towards him.

"Shizu-chan, we both know you didn't," he said quietly.

Shizuo didn't even blink whereas Izaya couldn't even look in his general direction.

 _You didn't refute_ , he knew Shizuo was thinking.

(What Izaya himself was thinking, actually.)

 _Yeah. So?_ he tried to challenge but challenging himself in this way was never fun.

"But I could've. Because if you did, who was to say I couldn't? You don't always know how someone feels; you might know what they're going to do, but actions and emotions are two entirely different things and while you're good at predicting what someone will do, what they're thinking is unknown territory. Especially me, right? You decided I was a monster because you didn't know what I would do. You never did; I always went against what you expected. If you couldn't figure that out, how can you say you know for certain how I feel? How I felt, I mean. We could've been something. We could've been one in a million.

"I'm not angry at you. I'm not. What you did was self-defense, but the reason you can't let go is because you're stuck in this limbo until I forgive you. Because that's what happens when you wrong someone you care about. It's what happens when you form a genuine relationship; that's what you were afraid of all this time, right? Opening yourself up? Trusting someone?

"That's why you feel guilty."

Izaya wasn't someone who cared about forgiveness, but his natural response to scoff every time Shizuo made a claim about his guilt ridden conscience was slowly lessening. The real Shizuo had always been spouting things and Izaya never answered; he'd believed that they had only ever affected him shallowly, if at all, but the thing about Izaya was _everything_ was shallow until it wasn't.

Nothing mattered until it became everything and then everything would matter and drown him alive.

"What," he muttered, raising and tilting his head back a bit to look at him condescendingly, "you think I'm in love with you? I have an undying passion for you? I want to be with you always?"

"Love isn't always like that and you'd know it," Shizuo answered. "Look at you and humans. Namie and Seiji. Shinra and Celty. Haruna and Nasujima. The city's full of twisted love; you think what you feel for me-"

"You sure are confident about me feeling anything besides hatred-"

"Feeling hatred is still feeling something."

Izaya didn't respond to that.

He couldn't. He swore the words were in the back of his throat but apparently the distance between there and the tip of his tongue was immense, more than enough for them to get permanently lost and never voiced. Swallowing, he could feel his resolve disappearing as well and just clenched his hands.

"Hate is just the other end of the spectrum," Shizuo continued. "It's a form of passion. There's more than one kind of love and you know it, Izaya."

Izaya said nothing. He reached behind the couch to tease out a magazine he'd left lying around. Or maybe Shizuo did; he didn't even know. Maybe the magazine wasn't even there. Izaya's mental state wasn't really to be trusted right now, but calling someone over to ask if there was really a magazine on that particular cushion seemed excessive.

Maybe his neighbor didn't even exist.

Setting the possibly-not-real magazine on the table, Izaya sighed. He leaned forward until his elbows were able to rest on his knees, bringing the heels of his hands to his forehead. He exhaled a sigh that moved his entire body, left a dip between his sharp shoulder blades. He didn't hear anything but there was no doubt in his mind that Shizuo was still there, just sitting, just staring, just observing.

Just there, but not there.

"Izaya, you want to know something?"

Izaya became acutely aware that not only were the others silent, they were gone.

Izaya dropped his arms, looked up with a challenging gaze. "Try me."

"I think I could've felt the same way."

Three seconds passed. Then five, then ten. Then thirty before Izaya looked over, his smile wry and eyes half lidded.

"Weren't you the one going on and on about how everything you say is what I think?"

"You knew me better than anyone," Shizuo said and Izaya's smile fell.

"That could actually have been an unbiased observation you made about me, Izaya."

_**april 23, 9:41 a.m.** _

Izaya hated this day.

It didn't matter how many he had survived or how many more he'd have; April 23rd was a date etched in his memory with the most awful of connotations.

Izaya hated this day.

"It's raining."

"An acute observation, Shinra."

Leaning against the wall as he peered through the blinds, Izaya watched the rain hit the ground and roofs of nearby buildings. He'd switch from watching the raindrops to not seeing them, a special sort of game of perspective. He watched the droplets chase each other on his window, watch them merge and become one huge one, entirely losing their independence.

He started feeling bad for them and clicked his tongue when he caught himself.

Orihara Izaya doesn't feel bad for _raindrops_.

It was quiet in the apartment. Even Shinra's words sounded like they was echoing and when he refocused his eyes to see the reflection of the window, he could tell he was alone in that room. His bedroom door was ajar and so he could glimpse into the living room, but nobody walked by. No footsteps. No pages flipping. Nothing.

Izaya would've thought that he was alone but he knew better than that.

He was never really alone anymore.

Everything that had happened in the past couple of years had become a blur and yet was staunchly entrenched in his memory. Days and nights blurred together; there would be times where Izaya couldn't even remember time passing, but certain events were crystal clear.

People dying.

People being killed.

People being killed _by him_.

Seiji's death. Kasuka's death. Kadota's death. Chikage's self sacrifice. Shinra's death. Namie's death.

Shizuo's unwilling, untimely, unprecedented death.

When Izaya looked down at his hands, sometimes he swore he could still see the blood, feel it warm on his face. Izaya wasn't one to beg; he was one to make others beg and delight in that raw, human desperation. But even when pointing the shaking gun to Shizuo's head, he clearly remembered repeating _please don't make me do this, please don't make me do this, please don't make me do this_ in his head over and over again as his vision began blurring and suffocation began catching up to him.

How the gun went off and part of Izaya was amazed it did.

How the last time Izaya had seen his face, Shizuo had been delirious and angry. Shizuo had thought things were how they used to be and a part of Izaya was ridiculously jealous because he was trapped on this island in this world; he'd give anything to go back to their stupid chases around Ikebukuro. Shizuo was delusional, but Izaya wished he could have that delusion.

He'd go back to having Shizuo alive, even if it meant he hated him.

"How does it feel?"

Izaya just sighed at the voice. Letting the blinds fall back to hang naturally, he turned around and smirked. All their voices had an effect on him at first; it would make him jump until he was used to their presence. Any of them could scream and Izaya would just sigh, but Shizuo's was the exception; even now, that low, gruff voice could easily make him flinch.

"How does what feel?" he returned.

"To be trapped in your own mind."

And then he was aware of Shinra, Kadota, and Namie in the room, one sitting on the bed, one leaning against the wall, one by the dresser. He looked over, lingered his gaze on each of them. Namie was examining her nails, Kadota was staring at the ceiling, Shinra was humming, and Shizuo was just watching him.

Izaya smiled.

"Well, Shinra did always say I needed more friends."

_**may 4, 12:53 a.m.** _

Izaya asked a question:

"How did you know you were ready to die?"

"You took away my hope."

"I didn't want to turn."

"Everything else failed."

"I didn't."

Izaya hummed and nodded, looked up again when he heard Shinra call his name.

He beamed.

"Happy birthday, by the way."

_**may 19, 1:42 p.m.** _

Kadota was watching him, leaning against the wall by the balcony. He had his arms crossed over his chest and one ankle over the other. He looked relaxed; Izaya remembered that he used to push gently at Kadota when he stood like that and enjoy watching him stumble and try to catch himself. That was a long time ago, but it seemed his default standing position had never changed.

Izaya hummed and decided to appear extra pretty.

He even took a napkin to wipe the bit of coffee threatening to drip down the side of his mug after taking a sip. Placing it down carefully on the coaster, Izaya cleared his throat; he leaned back into the cushion and tried his best to adjust his position to get more comfortable. He folded an ankle over the opposite knee languidly and exhaled slowly.

"Izaya."

"Like what you see?" he purred.

"You need to leave the apartment."

"And why is that? I've got more than enough food—"

"—because you haven't been _eating it_ —"

"—I get fresh air by opening the windows, I have you four as company—"

"—we're hallucinations. You're talking to yourself. We're not here—"

"—now now, Dota-chin, you've always had an issue with this sort of thing, haven't you?"

"Damnit, Izaya, you're going to die at this rate!"

And that was when Izaya looked over, pronounced tendons in his neck straining with the movement. Kadota's eyes narrowed as Izaya's lips curled slowly into a smirk.

"Dota-chin, do you really think I'd just let myself waste away? What an unsatisfactory death."

He waved his hand.

"Don't worry about me, Dota-chin! I'm fine, just fine. In fact…"

He paused and looked over, let his neck relax and head loll back as he smiled. "I'm better than fine! See, Dota-chin, I can say this to you because you're already dead. People really value being alive nowadays and it's certainly understandable. But, considering how I was before all this…"

He craned his neck, widened his eyes, watched the way Kadota's brow furrowed.

"I really wonder what I was scared of after all. So, really, I'm fine, Dota-chin, just fine."

Kadota didn't say anything for the rest of the day.

_**june 27, 3:21 a.m.** _

"Namie-san, tell me something."

"No."

Looking over, Izaya watched a strand of Namie's hair fall over her face. He was lying on his bed when she'd decided to join him, though there was more than a respectable bit of space between their bodies. She was lying on her side facing him with eyes closed and her knees a bit bent, one hand under the pillow and the other so close to her mouth that her lips occasionally pressed to it with an extra deep breath.

She wasn't asleep, though.

"Why do you even bother sleeping?"

"To entertain the fantasy that I'm still alive," she muttered and Izaya appreciated that death hadn't lessened her sarcasm.

She opened her eyes.

"That's what you wanted to ask?" she mumbled, sounding annoyed.

"No," he said after a moment and went back to staring at the ceiling. "Namie-san, the one thing I regret about your death is not knowing how you really felt about Seiji's death."

"…That's the only thing you regret about my death?" she asked incredulously and Izaya smirked. He loved that tightness in her voice; it delighted him.

"So," he continued easily, "tell me. How do you feel? Were you glad you knew?"

Yagiri Namie was one of his beloved humans and what made her stand out at times was her lack of predictability. Izaya enjoyed it; sometimes his plans would go askew because of it, but he was always looking forward to his predictions being wrong. She was complicated, this woman, and having her as his secretary provided a bounty of fun.

Also, she was a good cook and a decent chess player.

She was special, but not so special that she was like Shizuo. Izaya could generally predict her reaction to things, but whether or not she was relieved in the end to find out the fate of her little brother could easily go both ways.

She could be glad to know the truth and have closure.

She could also be distraught to have lost that hope. She could have died thinking he was out there and alive and fine. From what Izaya's observed, people in love generally care more about the other's happiness than their own. Yagiri Namie was likely willing to live a life of suffering if that could ensure Seiji's.

Izaya took away that hope, handed her the truth and let her take her own life because of it.

It didn't make him feel very good, honestly.

"Actually," he says, eyes wide and voice a bit more animated, "it's likely the latter; after all, you did take your own life. How could I forget? That was rather stupid of me.

"Mm… but, then again, that may have been just one moment. The human process of grieving can be quite complex despite being simple… though, Namie-san, you've never exactly been quite typical. Perhaps you would've stayed in anger? Or, maybe, if you hadn't ended your life, you would've moved onto acceptance. After all, that's what you told Shizu-chan, no? That you wanted to know, no matter what?

"But, did you really? After all… look at you now. You're dead, buried, and my imagination is the only place where a remnant of you exists. That's sad, isn't it?"

Hallucination Namie seemed more patient than real Namie because after that speech, she just sighed. Of all the reactions to have, she just seemed to be annoyed that she was being kept from her faux nap for this.

"Anything I say is going to be what your subconscious is thinking," Namie stated and closed her eyes; Izaya was a little annoyed that she didn't get angry. "I'm not entertaining that. Any chance you had of knowing is six feet under and rotting."

"Ah. So you _do_ admit that you'd rot. Imagine how Seiji would feel. Perhaps he'd find it attractive and matching to his zombie state?"

Namie's eyes opened again and she glared. Izaya smirked in satisfaction but he fell silent again, another sigh causing his chest to almost concave. She reached a hand out and Izaya marveled at how real her touch against him was.

"You'll die if you don't eat," she said quietly.

Izaya raised an eyebrow, looking over. "I suppose this, then, is the human instinct to survive, manifesting itself in what you just said. After all, Namie-san, you could care less if I were to drop dead, especially now. Or, maybe, you want to keep me alive so this last piece of you will as well?"

"Oh, please."

Namie scoffed and turned onto her other side.

"Like you wouldn't be the same, Izaya."

_**july 21, 5:41 a.m.** _

Kishitani Shinra was the only person who Izaya had ever come to close to calling a friend and, really, he was the worst there was.

It wasn't that he was a little selfish. It was that he was a lot selfish; of all the people in Ikebukuro, all the people with kind, giving hearts, Izaya chose the one person who was so entirely absorbed with one individual that he'd do anything, _anything_ to keep her by him, no matter who it hurt, even if it was her.

Naturally, Izaya selected this person.

"You think Celty's coming back?"

Izaya looked up very slowly.

"No."

Shinra frowned. Izaya was lying on the ground, a pillow under his head and arm tucked under for extra support as he read. One foot was flat on the floor for a propped knee and the other ankle folded over it. He balanced the book on his chest, alternating between that and holding it over his face depending on the elevation of his head.

It was a nice hour to be awake. Izaya liked it because very few other people were, especially in this quaint, immature community. It was silent. He felt alone. It felt reminiscent of those nights he'd spent traveling, when that stupid old RV had been his entire world, his home. Everything felt vast and empty. He felt _liberated._ Even the other three hallucinations were sleeping, so it was just Izaya and Shinra.

"I bet I could get her to come back," Shinra said suddenly, perking up.

Izaya sighed tiredly. "No, you can't."

"Why not?"

"Because you're not real," he stated. Shinra stared at him for a moment; he didn't look upset, but Izaya couldn't quite figure out _what_ he looked, if not that. It bothered him he couldn't find out, so he decided to go back to reading.

"You know, Izaya," Shinra said, holding his chin with his thumb and forefinger, "…the problem most people have with hallucinations is that they think they're real. They don't realize they're not. Because we seem real, right? We're here. We talk. We interact. And for the first few months, you couldn't touch us, but I now hand you things. But with you, that was never a problem. You just accepted that we were real."

He tilted his head.

"I never thought you'd embrace your mental deterioration so gracefully."

"You underestimate me, Shinra," Izaya drawled.

Shinra was a terrible friend, but that didn't mean he didn't pay Izaya any attention at all. In fact, that was part of why he was a terrible friend. He knew things about Izaya from acute observation and growing up with him and found the worst times to say them. Izaya could sense this was about to be one of those times because Shinra was staring, sharp eyes focused on him.

"Izaya, you know what I realized?"

"I don't really care."

"Shizuo was the first one who could touch you. Who _you_ could touch," he said slowly. "…For a long time, it was only him. And he's also the only one who's always been here. Most people try to suppress the hallucinations, but you… it's not a matter of accepting, right? It's a matter of…"

Shinra had always had this annoying, _annoying_ habit of pausing at crucial moments. He'd been like that since he was young; Izaya remembered in middle school when Shinra would learn something juicy and spend ten minutes vaguely gloating about it before caving and telling Izaya in twenty seconds. Izaya never appreciated it.

He was really irritated that his subconscious kept this little quirk.

"…Not dying alone."

Izaya looked down at his book but he couldn't focus on anything; half of the words seemed to be moving and the other half remained blurry, despite his twenty twenty vision. Izaya's hand was shaking; the page trembled, corner held between his index finger and thumb, and so he pulled back. Swallowing, he reached for a glass of water in front of him and took a slow, deep sip.

"Don't be silly, Shinra," Izaya said a little too quietly a little too late, and shut his book.

"We all die alone."

**august 23, 9:02 p.m.**

"Here."

Orihara Izaya set down his fully loaded gun in front of Heiwajima Shizuo on the couch.

"Kill me."

The other three said nothing. Shizuo stared down, blinked, looked up at him, blinked again. "…No."

"You will because you're a projection of my subconscious and you'll do what I want you to," Izaya declared, moving to sit across from Shizuo. His body ached; Orihara Izaya had officially become a recluse these past few months. He'd used to at least go out once in a while for a walk and groceries, but with him barely eating, there was little reason for him to step outside anymore.

The neighbors he'd become acquaintances with noticed his disappearance but none of them were close enough to be proactive about it. Izaya's interactions with them had been brief, usually on the way home or out. He'd stop and chat with them for a bit; every once in a while, he'd say something to Shizuo or Kadota (the other two didn't like to go grocery shopping) and the neighbors would look startled.

That was usually when the conversation cut off and they'd hurry away.

Izaya didn't mind. They were boring; everyone on this island who was still alive absolutely disgusted him and having to play house with them made him feel ill.

Izaya loved humans, but these weren't humans. They were dolls. They were sheltered dolls, safeguarded from true desperation and survival instincts.

Boring.

"Shizu-chan, I don't like leaving things unresolved," Izaya said and nodded. "As a result, I've decided to allow you to kill me."

Shizuo didn't say anything at first and Izaya had expected that, so he just leaned back in the couch and waited patiently. This wasn't something spontaneous. This was something he'd thought about time and time again, weighed the pros of being alive and decided if they outnumbered the cons. While hallucinating the people whom he had interacted with the most was certainly great, Izaya, in the end, decided to consider the future.

He was just being proactive. Izaya liked waiting around for the demise of other people, but not of the world and himself. He was done; it was that short and simple. Why he waited until August didn't matter. He'd known he was done a while ago and he'd just waited for everything to resolve before he felt he could depart peacefully.

Anything that was unresolved, he thought, had lost its chance.

Izaya was done and he was going to allow Heiwajima Shizuo the pleasure of ending it all for him.

_"You're a coward, Izaya."_

_"Shut up, Shinra."_

"…You know that I don't care about us being even," Shizuo finally said in a quiet voice. "That even if I were _actually_ Shizuo, that's not what this is about. I don't believe in an eye for an eye, especially when it comes to violence. Especially when it comes to death."

Izaya nodded again.

"And you know that this doesn't make me feel any better because I don't have a conscience anymore. This doesn't even ease your conscience. It ends it."

Izaya looked at him with half lidded eyes. "Shizu-chan, I _know_ you. You're angry at me for killing—"

"No, I'm not. I'm not angry about that. I'm angry at the fact that you won't allow yourself to admit that you feel guilty, that you have feelings, and that you wonder if there had been another way—"

"There hadn't," Izaya waved a hand. "I'd gone through all the possibilities—"

"You were lightheaded because I was suffocating you—"

"Exactly," Izaya interjected a bit shortly, "which is why I did what I did. It wouldn't do for both of us to die. You would kill me, wake up and realize what you did, panic and more likely than not waste away because of the guilt. At least this way, one of us survived."

Shizuo didn't say anything at first. He just stared at Izaya from across the table. His hair was pure blond, Izaya noticed and raised an eyebrow carefully. During the time they'd been together, it had grown out, his dark roots showing and creating an ombre effect. Izaya had given him a haircut at one point so that he wouldn't have to keep putting it up, but that just resulted in it being more or less his original hair color.

It was both strange and settling to see Shizuo with his blond hair.

How out of it was he if he hadn't realized that earlier?

"Shizu-chan, in what way did you think dying your brown hair blond would help you to _not_ stand out in Japan?"

Shizuo didn't answer that.

Izaya looked around the room for what he assumed might be the last time. He'd spent most of his life avoiding death while teasing it; it left an exhilarating rush every time he narrowly evaded it. He thrived off of that adrenaline; he loved the threat of losing control but jerking it back at the last moment. The control over that loss of control was _addicting_ and Izaya was proud that he'd still never lost. But now, he realized, now it was over.

It had been over a long time ago, actually.

There was no point in immortality if there wasn't a world and his one chance at eternity was gone. Most of the people Izaya had known and worked with were gone; he'd seen too many corpses that had once been animated, too many familiar faces now with sunken cheeks.

He was remarkably calm about this, actually.

The bliss of apathy.

"You don't want to die," Shizuo started. "You don't, but it's time for you to because you have nothing left. You have no one left. You're running out of ways to ignore the guilt and fear. You're running out of excuses and you refuse to confront anything, like the goddamn coward you are, so you're taking this way out. I don't know if it's fear or pride or what the fuck, but you're _not_ ready to die. Not now. Not like this. What are you afraid of, Izaya? Dying slowly? Rotting away? Deteriorating even more? One day being left with absolutely nothing so you have to admit everything you feel? You don't want to die. Don't fucking kid yourself."

Shizuo's voice brought him out of his trance. Izaya looked over with a distant little smile. "Of course I do. I've gone over—"

"Life isn't about finding every decision and weighing the pros and cons," Shizuo interrupted, voice beginning to sound agitated. "You can't predict everything that's going to happen. You just can't. That's not how things work. You can spend all day thinking, but something will always happen that you didn't expect—isn't that what you used to live for? You'd get all fucking giddy and shit when someone did something that screwed with your goddamn plans. How do you even know the world's ended? What makes you think we can't bounce back from this? Humanity's resilient. That's why we're survived for so long. And this… you don't even know how things outside of the country are. You've been on this island for so long; maybe help's coming but you just don't know it. You're not asking to die because you're done living, Izaya. You're fucking terrified. Listen to your heart. Right now. Listen to it. It's racing, isn't it? You don't want to die. Stop lying and saying you're ready for this because you're _not_. Hate it and fight it, but you're just as human as the rest of us, you piece of shit."

Shizuo took a breath and when he exhaled, the look on his face left Izaya feeling a bit cold.

His heart was rattling his frail ribcage.

"Stop insulting my memory by lying to my face."

Izaya's arms draped over the back of the couch, his fingers drumming steadily along the material. Shizuo's voice was loud; it was so loud that Izaya wondered if his neighbors heard it before he realized he was just yelling at himself. There was a burning sensation in his chest that he knew wasn't hunger; he'd gone past the point of feeling his stomach wanting to be fed a while ago. He was used to it; coffee was all he really subsisted on, occasionally just enough food to keep him from fainting and never getting up again.

It was hard to eat with no appetite.

Pressing his lips into a thin line, Izaya looked to the side. Shizuo's words were echoing in his living room, he thought, and then he actually _saw_ them, the words just floating around. His eyes widened a bit before he squeezed them shut. Digging his nails into his palm, he counted backwards from fifteen before opening them again, relaxing only when words were no longer floating in front of his plain walls.

He smiled. It was automatic; Izaya could smile at any time, at any moment. He had a specific smile for _just_ that purpose:

A smile for the sake of smiling.

"You know, I think we could've been spectacular together."

Izaya's words came out in barely a murmur and when he looked up, his smile turned into a smirk. The curve of his lips never reached his eyes but when he watched Shizuo's brow furrow, the grin widened and he was more than aware he looked crazed. "Imagine it, Shizu-chan!" he began animatedly, one of his palms facing upwards. "You and me, together… not necessarily _together_ but as a team. Imagine everything we could do! Of course, you wouldn't ever approve or partake in what I do, but… if you did, it would be _wonderful_. Nobody could stop us. What if…"

Izaya blinked before he laughed, loud and short as he threw his head back. His heart was still racing but now the blood rushing through his veins made him feel alive. His ribcage felt like it could shatter at any time still but Izaya ignored that; he felt _alive_. He'd fallen into some sort of a daze the past few days, just cycling through his existence, succumbing to exactly what he never wanted.

But this?

Now?

Shizuo's words?

He felt like Orihara Izaya again.

Giddy, childish, excited.

" _What if_ has to be the saddest phrase in any language. Because, Shizu-chan," he said and lolled his head forward, " _what if_? What if we didn't hate each other? What if we didn't spend the majority of our adult lives chasing each other, trying to kill each other? What if we got along? What if we'd never met? What if? There are so many what ifs; do you think we were fated to meet and become enemies? Do you believe in that sort of stuff? Of course you do; you're Shizu-chan!"

His laughter subsided immediately; one moment he was cackling crazily and the next he was calm, a transition that would've unnerved his audience had his audience been real. Things were feeling disconnected. He felt disconnected. Hot, but cold. Happy, but miserable. Rational, but hallucinating. A paradox. A walking, living, sitting, dying paradox.

The only clear thing was that he was excite; Shizuo _always_ excited.

Tilting his head, Izaya stared at Shizuo for a few contemplative seconds.

Or, rather, the physical appearance of Heiwajima looked like him; he looked exactly like Shizuo did, but what had made Shizuo _Shizu-chan_ was his personality and his thought process. Shizuo wasn't Shizu-chan. Izaya, while he knew everything there was to know about him, couldn't actually _create_ another Shizuo.

It was cliche, but everyone was unique.

 _Shizu-chan_ was gone.

"Oh, wait. You're not Shizu-chan." He kept staring at him, unblinking eyes wide and head tilting a bit more. He was still again, no longer making grand hand gestures and grinning. "You're just Heiwajima Shizuo. A remnant of who Shizu-chan was. A memory. The real Shizu-chan… the real Shizu-chan is gone and I can never talk to him again, hear him, have him throw something at me. He's gone because of me and no matter what I think, what I say, what I feel, he's staying gone. You may look like him. You, in a way, _are_ him but, at the same time, you're not. Because the real Shizu-chan would keep growing and learning… but you four who stand in front of me, you're… frozen."

His eyes light up. "That's right! Frozen!" he exclaimed as if having made a grand discovery. "Your lives have ended. This is how you were right before that moment. You're not Namie-san, you're not Dota-chin, you're not Shinra. None of you are who you are."

And as he said their names, they began disappearing, fading away one by one. With only Shizuo left, Izaya swallowed and turned back to him.

"…You're not Shizu-chan."

He didn't disappear.

Shizuo remained where he was on the couch, leveling his gaze with Izaya's. Scoffing, Izaya looked away. "A nuisance, as always."

"Yeah," Shizuo mumbled, appearing entirely unbothered by Izaya's rapid changes in moods. He was quiet for a bit and Izaya realized he was actually leaning forward, hanging onto his every word. Shizuo watched as he pushed himself back, curve of his spine meeting the cushion. He took a few more moments to adjust the way he was sitting and it was only after he'd been still for a few seconds that Shizuo finally continued.

"Sorry. No one's left, Izaya. We're not real. None of us are. We're not the same people you knew and we're a pretty shitty consolation. Namie took her life after you killed her brother and neglected to tell her for _years_. Kadota sacrificed himself and you were the one who ended his suffering, but he was one of the few people who had actually shown you genuine kindness. Shinra? Your only friend. You took your eyes off of him, let your guard down and now he's dead, but after you amputated his arm. And his death drove Celty away, leaving her heartbroken for eternity. And Kasuka, my little brother who you shot while I was holding him, drove a bullet through his head right in front of my face. Your sisters. Chikage. Seiji. _Everyone_.

"And then me. You killed me out of self-defense so you feel like you don't have to be guilty, but you are and that annoys you, so you insist you don't feel anything. You hate that you're feeling so awful for it, you hate that _you can't survive without me,_ you hate everything but, most of all, you hate that you care enough to hate it. You don't want to feel any of it. But you do and it's been eating you up. You stopped going outside. You spend all your time locked up in your apartment, talking to the versions of us who are now frozen in time. You don't want to meet new people. You don't want to have new _people_ as your playthings because you're tired. You're all alone now and it's your fault. You drove people away. You killed them. You're not God, Izaya, and you're not much of a killer. The physical act of killing and the emotional repercussions are two different things and for someone like you, someone so fragile and afraid of being hurt, that latter is too heavy a burden.

"What we could've been… what we could have had… it drives you crazy to think about that, right? You and I are endless and you hate what because you hate me. But why? Because I'm not human? Because I don't do what you expect me to? Because you've labeled me a monster and yet I'm more capable of developing genuine relationships than you are? Or, because, you think I could've been someone who you could have come to trust? All you had was Shinra and that relationship was clearly one sided. I could've been different. We may not have been in a romantic relationship. Something like that has all sorts of issues that, emotionally, we probably wouldn't be ready for for a long time. But just… a friendship. You think about it all the time. Maybe we could've been friends. Maybe we could've. Your entire life could've been different. It could've been a dream. What we could've had, that _peace_ you could've had, feels like a dream, but it shattered. We shattered. Shattered like a dream."

Izaya _hated_ his heart.

Not the symbolic heart. His actual physical heart. He hated that it would race and pound so furiously in his chest; it was a physical confirmation of what he was hearing. His heart wasn't where he felt; his brain was, but it would cause his heart to thud so hard that he swore his entire body was swaying with it. It kept beating as Shizuo's words echoed in his mind.

He cared.

He didn't want to, but he cared.

Shizuo's death couldn't be written off; no one's could, actually, but Shizuo's especially. That made him _special_ and Izaya didn't want to care; he'd spent the majority of his adult life detaching himself for that precise reason. He didn't want to care, because caring led to hurt. He didn't want any attachments and, yet, the one person he swore he didn't care about ended up being the one he was most attached to.

Izaya swallowed thickly and shuddered from the pain.

"That's quite arrogant of you to say," Izaya mumbled quietly at last, averting his eyes. "What makes you think I would've wanted any of that with you? Honestly, you're so lonely you-"

Shizuo didn't even bat an eye.

"I'm your subconscious. This isn't what Heiwajima Shizuo is saying. This is the person who you wanted all that with saying it. You and Shizuo were both lonely, but Shizuo could overcome that because he could form relationships. You couldn't. So you look at this person whom you deemed a monster and feel ridiculously jealous that he could achieve what you couldn't. You didn't want to be hurt but, you know what? Someone who knows what it's like to be lonely wouldn't hurt you. You saw that in Shizuo. You loved everyone equally; if you think like that, there was only one individual for whom you held stronger feelings. Isn't that what most people think love is? That one person who you're just so emotionally attached to."

Izaya stopped breathing, felt his heart fall straight to the ground.

But Shizuo was finished, because then he said:

"You wonder if I could've fallen in love with you, don't you?"

Izaya felt sick. He physically felt sick and as he leaned forward, there was a moment where he thought he'd throw up. But, he remembered, he hadn't eaten in days; there was nothing _to_ vomit and he started laughing at that. It was quiet at first, just breathy hiccups. But then they grew louder and louder, one hand coming to cover his eyes as he just laughed and laughed and _laughed._

It made no sense.

Nothing made sense.

His shoulders were still shaking when he straightened, arms holding his stomach. He wiped at a tear from the corner of his eye, eventually calming down enough. But not even three seconds before he started laughing again, until nothing came out and he was just shaking, trembling as he tried his best to hold himself together in more ways than one.

"Admit it," Shizuo said quietly. "Admit this is for yourself. That asking me to kill you isn't for me. Heiwajima Shizuo is dead and buried. His conscience has ceased a long time ago. This isn't for his forgiveness; he _can't_ forgive you. He wouldn't even have wanted that anyway. This is for your own conscience, to try and clear it because you're so reluctant to admit your guilt. You'd do anything to avoid admitting to it because otherwise you'd have to realize and accept that Shizuo wasn't a monster to you. He _mattered_ more than you want to admit and that appalls you. That's why his death has affected you so much. Not only was he the last one, but he mattered more than anyone else. The hallucinations started after him. You started losing the will to fight after, ironically, killing him to keep yourself alive. And you hate it because after everything you've done to keep people at arm's length, the one person who ends up getting close is your nemesis."

Was this how it felt for others when conversing with Izaya? It certainly wasn't a coincidence the way he got into people's minds; Izaya would purposely do that, gauge their reactions before deciding each carefully crafted sentence. They were subtle enough that, at first glance, it wouldn't seem like anything too out of the ordinary, but personalized so that only the person who was meant to hear it would feel unsettled at being exposed so quickly and simply.

He closed his eyes. First was a brief smile; it disappeared as quickly as it came and Izaya was left to lick his dry lips.

His heart was racing, Shizuo was right. It was pounding in his chest and the lightheadedness he felt wasn't solely from hunger. His palms were sweating. His breathing was shallow. He felt hypersensitive and when he opened his eyes to see the gun on the table between them, he started laughing again.

He was in hysterics. It hurt his ribs and Izaya was gasping for breath, alternating between laughing and trying to fill his lungs with air. He couldn't sit straight; it took everything he had to not fall off the couch as he grasped at his skin and bone, shuddering.

He laughed,

and laughed,

and laughed.

There was no one left except a hallucination of the person he felt the most of _any_ emotion towards and that person was now insinuating that maybe it hadn't been pure hate, that instead of wanting him as far away as possible, Izaya had wanted him closer than anyone else. It was disgusting. It was wretched. But what was most vile of all was that Izaya didn't deny it.

Izaya denied lies because they were lies. That was self explanatory.

And truths were split into two categories:

The ones he could talk himself out of. The ones that had a possibility of being changed so when he was denying them, it wasn't completely lying.

And then the ones he couldn't talk himself out of, the ones ingrained so deeply in who he was, the ones so innate to his existence, the ones that he could try to deny over and over again, but it would be futile because he'd give in in the end.

Shinra brought up their getting along multiple times, saying that if they didn't, they'd always be on the worst terms. Izaya had waved him off over and over again; he and Shizuo just wouldn't get along, he'd explained. It was something innate about their personalities. It was something about fate. They'd meet and hate each other; that's how things were.

 _"Or,"_ Shinra had piped, _"you're terrified that Shizuo will hate you even if you're nice. It's easier to be hated when you've given them a reason, right?"_

Izaya had neglected to answer and distracted him with something about Celty, but the _what if_ always remained with him. What if he had tried to get along with Shizuo? Shizuo was likely the type of person where, if in high school, Izaya had extended a truce, he may have accepted it. But it was far too late now; Izaya had done too many things to him to ever warrant any level of forgiveness. He was beyond redemption now and, yet, Shizuo still found it in himself to show him kindness, loyalty, and the partnership.

 _What if?_ he'd ask himself sometimes.

 _Never,_ he'd answer his own question.

Orihara Izaya lied to many people, himself most of all, but even he had limits.

And that was _hilarious_.

"You're not Shizu-chan," Izaya said finally, wiping his tears from his eyes. "So it doesn't even matter how I feel, yeah? I killed Shizu-chan. He's gone and I'll never know what he really thought, what he really felt, what he could've felt. _What if_ , am I right? Even if I wanted to apologize. Even if I wanted to profess my guilt. Does it even matter that I care? That I feel this way? That I can't stop thinking about him? That out of everything I've done, _that_ is what keeps me up at night? No matter what I want to do, he's gone."

Izaya grinned.

"Shizu-chan's gone." His voice sounded strange, he thought, but he kept smiling.

"Yeah," Shizuo said and shrugged. "No matter what you do, you can't get him back. He's gone."

Shizuo looked at him.

"And that's really why you can't bear to be alive anymore."

A ton of bricks fell and Izaya didn't even try to move.

He laughed, a light, airy chime of a sound. "I suppose it is… Who would've thought?" he murmured. "All right! Let's try that. I can't live without Shizu-chan," he announced, both palms upwards. "After all this time of wanting to kill Shizu-chan, it turns out that I can't survive without him! Is that it? Is that what you wanted to hear? Are you happy now?"

Something burned in his body but, at the same revolting time, his breathing grew easier. Izaya froze; the weight that had been pressing to his chest suddenly felt lessened and his lungs were able to expand to full capacity again. Testing it again with a sigh, he looked up at the ceiling with the same lazy smile. His heart was beating rhythmically and normally; his body felt normal and relaxed, though he could hear Shizuo picking up the gun. It was strange; he knew what was going to happen and its imminence left him feeling a strange euphoria.

He was smiling again, laughing and closing his eyes. "I can't live without him… _disgusting_ ," he whispered hoarsely. "After everything, the one person… _him_ , of all the people to _attach_ …

Karma's a real bitch, no?"

He breathed. Orihara Izaya breathed and even though he'd been on this island for more than a year, the air felt fresh, free from the stench of death and zombies. He inhaled and his lungs expanded so much he wondered if his ribs would crack. He closed his eyes.

" _It's probably because people have died because of you, but never for you. Figures. There's no one who would be willing to do so anyway."_

" _I'm just saying I've seen people do more extraordinary things for love than hate."_

" _Not everyone is at heartless as you are."_

" _I'm not the one trying to deny my humanity."_

Yagiri Namie.

" _If you say you love everyone, that's like loving no one, isn't it?"_

" _I'm not saying you like him, Izaya. I'm just saying, in relative terms, you feel nothing for everyone else but something for Shizuo."_

" _You definitely have stronger feelings for Shizuo."_

" _Just admit it, Izaya. Whether or not you like it, Shizuo's definitely not just anyone to you."_

Kadota Kyohei.

" _Because you're Izaya and he's Shizuo. Of course you two would end up having to work together."_

_"It's like there's a really twisted string of fate tying you two together."_

_"You know how they say your greatest love is from somewhere unexpected. Shizuo might be perfect for you!"_

_"You know, Izaya, I do mean that. You can't hate someone at first sight. You need a reason. Love, though… Maybe that was love at first sight between you and Shizuo?"_

Kishitani Shinra.

Their voices echoed in his mind, words they'd said to him before their deaths. He'd brushed them off at first but now everything washed over him and he felt suffocated; they'd seen it, he thought numbly, but he'd deluded himself to not believe them.

Love wasn't always kind. Love wasn't always generous.

Love wasn't always _love_.

Love was passion.

Izaya closed his eyes and laughed again. It was disgusting. The love he felt for his humans was something he'd accepted; by loving them, they couldn't hurt him. He'd accept everything about them, flaws and all.

But this?

_This?_

Abhorrent.

Lazy smirk curling his lips, Izaya lolled his head forward. "Well, what do you know?" he drawled softly, voice hoarse. "Now I have done everything. I've finished everything I needed to in life," he murmured. "So this is what it's like to be honest with yourself?"

"Yeah."

"Not all it's cracked up to be."

"No."

He smiled again. The muscles in his face tried to perform the practiced action but couldn't sustain the expression for too long; Izaya realized he was just staring at the weapon. Every breath felt precarious; he was breathing slowly and shallowly, as if fearing a sudden gasp would cause his lungs to explode or his ribs to crack.

Every breath felt cold; he swallowed and slowly clenched his fist.

"...I feel guilty for killing Shizu-chan," he started quietly. "...I regret killing Shizu-chan. I…"

It struck Izaya suddenly how loyal Shizuo was. He'd always known that on some level; he'd teased him about being a dog for multiple reasons and that blind loyalty was certainly one he'd just never realized.

_"Shizu-chan and I are going to be partners, right? To find a way out of this? So let's shake on it."_

Izaya knew Shizuo took their _partnership_ much more seriously. He kept repeating it, explaining why he did things like save Izaya's life, with it; they were partners, Shizuo insisted over and over again.

_"We're partners… and you're human. I don't… want to kill a human."_

_"Of course I did. We're partners, aren't we?"_

_"Don't fuck around, Izaya!" Shizuo snapped and Hachi barked. "Oi, you said we were partners. This means you share shit like this with us!"_

'Partners' had become something of a cursed word to him. He refused to use it ever since his death; saying it, hearing it, thinking of it reminded him of Shizuo and his making a mantra of it. Shizuo hated him and Izaya knew he had reason to, but after deciding to be partners, he had never once threatened to leave.

Unlike Izaya.

He had never once prioritized his own life over Izaya's.

Unlike Izaya.

He was loyal and true to their agreement of being _partners._

Izaya couldn't breathe.

He had no problems betraying people if it meant furthering his own self interests and keeping himself alive was easily at the top of that list. He was ready to step on anyone at any time to achieve what he wanted, or so he thought. Using Celty meant hurting Shinra and he hated to admit that the idea of that bothered him. Using Shizuo to keep himself alive throughout this mess was something he knew he had to do. With his strength, Shizuo would be an obvious asset, his only liability his emotions.

But maybe that hadn't been the liability.

Maybe he'd done more for Izaya than he'd realized. Izaya had been annoyed over and over again by Shizuo's constant overflow of emotions but, he thought numbly, that had kept him human. Seeing a _human_ kept _him_ human; otherwise it would've been too easy to disregard his feelings, disassociate entirely and focus purely on survival.

There was no meaning to living if he wasn't human. The way he'd reacted to killing everyone was a testament to that.

He'd hated it so much that every time he felt an ounce of what was guilt, he suppressed it. He repressed everything to the furthest crevices of his mind, acting fine, just fine until he could believe he was really just that. Just fine.

And Izaya probably would've been able to do just that if Shizuo didn't keep butting in and ruining everything.

Shizuo, with his constant concern and genuine worry, showing more kindness to Izaya as his arch nemesis than even his own family and only friend put together. And one night, when Izaya had been silent and shaking because the weight of the world was settling on his shoulders and threatening to flatten him, Shizuo sat across the small room in Kumamoto. Shinra was gone. Celty was gone. Everyone was gone except for Shizuo and with moonlight casting a gentle shadow and crickets composing a symphony:

_"Hey, Izaya… you know I don't blame you, right?"_

_He smiled, sincere and tired but compassionate._

" _...You did what you had to for us. You're… stronger than I am."_

That was a lie, Izaya thought.

Izaya wasn't stronger than Shizuo was, not physically and not emotionally. He may have seemed to be, but that was because he refused to process them. Shizuo was more resilient; he'd allow his emotions to overtake him to a fault sometimes, but in the end, he would be able to move on. For Izaya, he internalized everything and it was just his luck that there was Shizuo to push him to acknowledge some of them, otherwise he would've been overwhelmed long ago.

He would've lost his humanity and his mind long, _long_ before this. He was weak, ultimately, and he hated that; he wasn't anywhere close to the detached figure he'd tried to become. Izaya tried to alleviate his guilt by thinking that Shizuo would deteriorate rapidly if he killed him, being alone and having blood on his hands. But, he realized, Shizuo's resiliency had gotten him this far. He survived Kasuka's death, didn't he? And despite being the reason Izaya would be dead, Shizuo would do everything in his power to fulfill Kasuka's last wish for him to stay alive.

Logic only worked if it was logical.

Izaya's next breath was strangled and choked.

Shizuo was overwhelming. Somehow seeing Hallucination Shizuo had never actually gotten him worked up; in a sense, it had been soothing. It was relieving to have him by his side again, even if a bit tinged with the harshness of his hallucinatory nature. But comfort was rare these days; Izaya grasped onto everything.

He missed Shizuo who, despite all his suffering, still managed to bring a certain optimism and sense of hope.

That optimism and hope was gone, rotting six feet under with him.

He couldn't stop thinking about him now. Every time Shizuo had smiled, every time Shizuo had reassured him, every time Shizuo had _been there_. Every time Shizuo pushed to talk, every time Shizuo realized to not push yet. Every time Shizuo yelled, every time Shizuo threw something, every time Shizuo did _anything_ flooded Izaya's memory.

And then, finally, he remembered one of the few, precious lucid moments before Heiwajima Shizuo met his untimely death, he'd said:

_"I was probably going to die until you found me."_

_Shizuo looked over and gave a small smile._

_"...Thanks."_

Even Izaya could recognize Shizuo was a much better person than he was.

A person. Not a monster. He'd never been the monster. _Shizuo_ had never been the monster; there was a reason Shizuo could connect to people in a way that Izaya couldn't. People liked him. People trusted him. He was kind. He was loyal. He was honest. He was everything Izaya wasn't.

He thanked the person who had sabotaged his young adult life, shot his little brother through his head, manipulated and hurt the people he cared about routinely, nearly left him, constantly put his own selfish needs over his.

And, yet, he thanked him.

Izaya brought a hand up to his face, hoped that restricting the air would make it easier to breathe.

For all the years he'd spent claiming he hated Shizuo and wanted him dead, Izaya realized that now it had happened, he wasn't actually happy. He never had been. Not even for a second, maybe not even because he killed him.

Because wouldn't that make him happy? To be the one who killed the strongest man in Ikebukuro? To be the one who finally _won_?

It didn't feel like winning. Izaya's existence without Shizuo's seemed barren and empty, full of despair in an already despair ravaged world.

He supposed he never thought about what life would be like without Heiwajima Shizuo and he didn't realize he needed him until he was gone.

He started laughing.

Laughing until all the air was forced out of his lungs and they were constricting, laughing until tears gathered in the corners of his eyes, laughing until the entire apartment filled with that choked sound. Laughed because, really, how would Shizuo feel if he saw him right now? Laughed because wasn't it ironic how Shizuo would want to kill him for wanting to die? For giving up, for, as Shizuo would yell, _throwing away what others laid their lives down for_? Zombie Seiji was dead, but he didn't count since he was a zombie. As far as Shizuo knew, Namie gave her life protecting him. And Shizuo himself died so that Izaya could live; there were three (well, two and a half, Izaya supposed) instances that he should've died but didn't, made a last minute swap so that Death would be satisfied.

Would knowing that have made Izaya change his mind? He didn't know. Maybe. Maybe not; maybe Izaya was too far gone to care what that _protozoan_ thought.

Would he have cared that Shizuo thought he was a coward? Shizuo already thought he was a coward.

But what he did know for sure was that Shizuo would be mad.

Shizuo would be _livid_ and that made Izaya laugh and laugh and laugh.

It wasn't funny, though.

His laughter started dying down, until he was still grinning but there was nothing coming out of his month. Mouth slowly relaxing, Izaya focused on his breathing for a few, terse moments; in and out, in and out, in and-what was it?

_Out._

Izaya forced himself to open his eyes and when he lowered his hand, he saw a book on the edge of the table.

Had that always been there?

He couldn't remember anymore.

He blinked.

The thing was, Izaya liked sitting up when reading. He found it the most practical; laying on his back caused either his arms or his neck (sometimes both) to be sore, laying on his stomach could cause his back to hurt. Sitting upright put the least strain on his body and was also the most efficient position to get up from, should he need water.

Shizuo was the one who laid down while reading. Even when they were in the RV, if there was no room in the vehicle, he'd go outside and lay in the grass, bring a blanket to lay over hard pavement if he could. Namie had thrown him an extra blanket one day because she'd just done laundry and didn't want to have to see his shirt all dirtied again in fewer than twenty four hours. _"It's not even that clean, anyway." "...Thanks for the blanket?"_

Izaya had started laying down while reading now without thinking twice about it.

The thing was, Izaya like realistic storylines. He didn't like the overly romantic tales where happiness was guaranteed; he preferred darker, more twisted fiction, if fiction at all. His tastes were generally historical nonfiction and books on psychology or sociology.

Shizuo was the one who liked fiction. He liked books with happy endings and while he and Izaya shared an interest in historical books, the types Shizuo read were fiction where the protagonist ultimately succeeded.

Izaya was not only reading a fiction about romance, but the one Shizuo had been thumbing through for the umpteenth time.

He blinked and the book disappeared. Straightening slowly and with a shaky sigh, he exhaled and unfurled his fingers.

"...I miss him."

Yagiri Namie, always with her sharp wit and annoying tongue, would time and time again bring up Shizuo, more often than not to piss him off. But aside from:

_"I've seen people do more extraordinary things for love than hate."_

There had been:

_"People don't only fixate on those they hate. It's usually for something else."_

Shizuo, the center of his attention when dead or alive. Izaya could spot Shizuo easily in the bustling Tokyo streets, and not only because of his stature and blond hair; in a way, he'd trained himself ever since Raira days. He'd explained it to himself as protection. If he could see Shizuo first, he could act first; if Shizuo hit first, Izaya would most likely be _dead_.

He purposely sought Shizuo out. He always had; he'd go into Ikebukuro just to find him and claim he was bored. He'd find some other way to amuse himself until he came back but once Shizuo was in the city again, that's when Izaya would be most delighted.

And now he was dead, but Izaya's mind was still projecting Shizuo most often. Shizuo was the first one, Shizuo was the constant, Shizuo was the always. Always, always Shizuo.

He nodded numbly.

"I miss him," he repeated, eyes widening. "I… miss him and this entire time, maybe it wasn't that I was saving him, it was that-"

"He was saving you."

Izaya stopped breathing when his own voice quieted, but hearing Hallucination Shizuo finishing the thought he couldn't stomach to form had him choking. Leaning forward, he brought one fist to his chest and pressed, bowing until he was almost folded entirely with his chest to his knees.

"Because Shizuo's always been human to you, right?" Shizuo's voice continued. "Always, even before April 23rd. He's never been a monster. He's more human than anyone else and you were jealous of how he could trust people, develop relationships, grow from his mistakes and shortcomings. Because that's not what a monster does, and yet you decided he was because it was better that he be the monster than you.

"You've always known, Izaya, right?"

Hallucination Shizuo's voice echoed in the apartment.

"That he was everything you're not. And that's what you hated."

Izaya closed his eyes and wished they'd never opened again.

Izaya excelled at reading people. Human observation had always been his hobby and he'd picked up on little things during his adolescence. It was why his plans could be so complex and yet work out; in terms of other people, Izaya knew what he was doing.

But when it came to introspection, Izaya excelled at not reading himself. He denied everything; he denied caring, he denied feeling, he denied anything that would result in attachment. Shinra would talk about it sometimes but Izaya would tune him out; they weren't things he wanted to hear and he certainly didn't enjoy listening to someone point out his faults.

Shizuo had always been different, though.

Izaya could tune Shinra out. It wasn't difficult; Izaya had been doing it for years. Shinra had that kind of a voice. An annoying voice. But not Shizuo; Izaya may not have reacted, but whenever Shizuo spoke, he found himself listening and, against his will, absorbing.

He hated the power he had over him.

He hated the effect he had on him.

He hated that he didn't hate Shizuo, that what he thought he hated about Shizuo was what he hated about himself; Shizuo's honesty was absolutely blinding.

He hated that after detaching himself from everything, Heiwajima Shizuo was that one foil; _his foil_. He was everything Izaya wasn't.

It drove him crazy, but it wasn't Shizuo who he hated.

Shoulders shaking as he laughed silently, Izaya was still grinning maniacally when he straightened. A crooked finger wiped the tears from his eyes.

The gun wasn't on the table anymore.

"That's right," he murmured, closing his eyes and smiling, shoulders relaxing with his last sigh.

"I never really hated him. Would I say that I was in love with him? That's a bit strong for me to proclaim, don't you think? But was I apathetic? Quite certainly no. I never was. Did I care about him? Certainly; he foiled my plans, after all. Did I care for him?"

Izaya fell silent and laughed, bowed his head and let his shoulders tremble lightly with the action. "Anything is possible," he murmured finally.

Lips still coiled in a weak smirk, he sighed, concave between bony shoulder blades deepening. "...He could've saved me. Funny, right?"

He opened his eyes, stared down at his open palms.

"...Shizu-chan could've saved me if only I'd let him."

And as Izaya lifted his head to look down the barrel, the shot fired.

**april 23, 9:30 p.m.**

"I never got why some funerals would be held so long after the death."

"Well, with Namie-san they were investigating. With Izaya-san, it was the same but more straightforward."

"Oh, right. They were suspicious because of that note, right?"

"That's right. But also because neither of them had family or friends here, so there was no pressure. Quite sad, actually."

"Yeah."

Orihara Izaya's funeral had been small. His body was discovered soon; Kida heard there had been a note delivered the morning after it happened. The identity of the person was never figured out, but it seemed like an Izaya type of thing to do. He'd die, but wouldn't want to rot and so would plan ahead for his discovery. Talking to people who weren't there or not, that was something he'd do without fail.

News spread quickly; on this small island, suicide was rare, and Namie and Izaya were the first two. Survival was bleak nowadays; of course, it was safe on the island, but the journey to there was immensely difficult. Some may have been luckier than others, but everyone faced some kind of difficulty. Just because some never killed didn't mean they got to escape witnessing death entirely and sometimes just seeing something could wound as awfully as an action.

Investigators said that he had died from a self-inflicted wound, gun in hand when they found him. Kida also overheard a few of them murmuring that it was strange, that it was almost like Izaya was _smiling_ , but that wasn't publicized. He learned of it only from loitering in the building while they came in and out. Hearing it left him feeling cold; he wrapped his arms around himself and couldn't help but bow his head as he tried to remember how to breathe normally and not think about Orihara Izaya's head in a pool of blood but meticulous smile still etched on his lips.

Kida had wished death on him before, after everything he had done, but now that he was actually gone, he didn't know how to feel. It still didn't feel real; Orihara Izaya wasn't someone who he thought would _die_ , much less by his own hand. It didn't make sense. He couldn't make heads or tails of it and it kept him up for several nights, like he was afraid Izaya would just appear, smile and announce that faking his death was all an elaborate joke because he was bored.

(He would.)

Jerking a bit when he felt Saki's hand squeeze his, Kida offered as natural a smile as he could. She didn't buy it and laced their fingers together, walking closer so their arms were pressed together. "Are you still thinking about him?"

"Yeah," he mumbled with a shrug. "It's just… I can't believe it. He didn't… I mean, I knew that he was human, but… he didn't really _seem_ …"

"I understand," Saki said quietly, still wearing that demure smile. "It's strange he's gone."

"I just… I don't understand _why_. He was safe here. No one was after him. He could've started over. There was… no reason—"

He broke off and stopped walking. Saki did as well; she held his arm with both of hers and rested her chin on his shoulder. They were on their way home from a late dinner; in Ikebukuro, walking around at such an hour would've been an invitation for trouble, but this island was safe. This community was safe.

It was _safe_ , so he didn't understand why Izaya did what he did. He didn't understand why Namie did either, but he'd never known her. Izaya, he knew. Kida couldn't say he understood Izaya, but he _knew_ him. He knew his name. He knew his tendencies. He knew his twisted, manipulative nature and he knew to be afraid of him. Kida certainly didn't know how Izaya's mind worked or even begin to understand it but, on the basest of levels, Kida Masaomi knew who Orihara Izaya was.

And he certainly knew him enough to still be baffled by this turn of events.

He clenched his fist and even when Saki reached down, his fingers refused to unfurl. She sighed and Kida swallowed. It felt surreal. Nothing felt real anymore, nothing felt right.

Even though he was gone, it still felt like Izaya was here.

"Well," Saki said and looked up with a small smile. Kida looked over after a moment and couldn't help but smile back at her. "I guess when there's no one left for you, it doesn't matter if the world can rebuild itself. The world you knew is gone, so there's no point in living anymore."

She looked past him, focusing on the moon and squeezing his hand again as she exhaled.

"It's important to keep the people you care about close to you. Izaya-san… probably didn't realize that."

"Or," Kida mumbled, kicking at the ground, "…he didn't realize who he cared about."

xx

 _In 215 BC on April 23_ _rd_ _, a temple on Capitoline Hill was dedicated to Venus Erycina as a commemoration to a victory over Rome at Lake Trasimene._

_In 1229, Ferdinand III of Castile conquered Cáceres._

_In 1662, Connecticut was chartered as an English colony._

_In 1795, William Hastings was acquitted in England due to high treason._

_In 1798, the Dutch emperor accepted a new Constitution._

_In 1851, Canada issued their very first postage stamps._

_In 1904, the American Academy of Arts and Letters formed._

_In 1910, the International Exhibition opened in Brussels._

_In 1935, the Polish Constitution of 1935 was adopted._

_In 1952, the oil pipeline extending from Kirkuk to Banias was completed._

_In 1964, the New York State Theater opened._

_In 1977, Dr. Allen Bussey completed 20,302 yo-yo loops._

_In 1997,_ Titanic _opened at the Lunt-Fontanne Theater in New York City._

_And in the twenty first century, Tokyo fell to the zombie apocalypse._

_See how many things can happen? And these are just off the top of my head. There are so many other things that have happened on April 23_ _rd_ _! How many can you name? Precisely; even though some of these events have been catastrophic, most people will forget them as time passes. In a few years, Japan's decimation will be forgotten, either because the world no longer exists as we know it or because it's been rebuilt and this is just another distant, historical event._

_Everything is impermanent._

_In 79 on August 23_ _rd_ _, Mt. Vesuvius began stirring._

_In 476, Odoacer was proclaimed King of Italy._

_In 1328, the Battle at Kassel took place._

_In 1441, Holland and Hanzesteden signed a cease-fire treaty._

_In 1566, Beeldenstorm reached Amsterdam._

_In 1617, the first one-way streets in London opened._

_In 1839, the British captured Hong Kong from China._

_In 1866, the Treaty of Prague ended the Austro-Prussian._

_In 1904, the automobile tire chain was patented._

_In 1924, Mars was closest to Earth the first time since the tenth century._

_In 1933, the first TV boxing match aired._

_In 1942, the first US flights landed on Guadalcanal._

_In 1944, the Allied troops captured Marseilles, France._

_In 1953, Phil Grate threw a baseball far enough to set a record._

_In 1986,_ Rags _closed at the Mark Hellinger Theater in New York City after four performances._

_And in the twenty-first century, I died of a self-inflicted gunshot wound._

_However, I am but one measly person. This won't even go down in textbooks like the zombie apocalypse will. I'm just one of the thousands, of the millions who perished in Japan alone._

_Imagine: everyone who died may have had a journey like mine._

_Chilling, isn't it?_

_Alas, this is how society functions! We're often each so involved in our own affairs that we forget that everyone is the main character of their own life! Of course, we take a particular interest in those who are closest to us. But all in all, we can be extremely selfish. Our stories are the ones that are most important to us. Mine has ended and while that means everything to me, to someone else, it may just be a minor inconvenience, if anything. And to the world?_

_Don't make me laugh! The world doesn't care!_

_It can be truly upsetting, but that's how the world works:_

_It doesn't matter who you are, it'll continue to exist without you._

_No matter who cares about you._

_No matter who you care about._

_But to ease this inevitably depressing outcome, we reach out to people. We impact them. We try to leave our legacy with as many people as we can so that we may continue to live even after we die. I've carried those which I could for as long as I could, but now my time has ended. But as long as I have had an impact on just one other person, at least it wasn't all for naught._

_This is what it means to have lived, regrets and all._

_And so, with that, I now say_

_goodbye._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and this unintentional monstrosity of a fic is finished! thank you to those who were extremely patient and to those who are still reading; i entirely understand as to why a fic like this is not to everyone's taste, with its harrowing tone and extreme events, like shizuo's death. as with any fic, i change a lot of things from the first outline to the final chapters i publish, but this ending, izaya's thought process, the culmination of his feelings, those are what have been the driving force since before i even started the first draft of chapter one.
> 
> again, if you've read this far, if you're still reading after more than a year and the death of, well, basically everyone, thank you, thank you, thank you for your time, attention, comments, bookmarks, subscriptions, anything and everything. it's been an honor to share this with you and, for the last time, comments are appreciated ♥


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